========================================================================= RAD #1: "A Most Excellent Origin" by Gary W. Olson Yes, friends, it's time for a new kind of hero. A hero with the virtues, intelligence, and moral stalwartness found in true Californians everywhere. "I have what?" Not yet! I haven't finished building up to your grand introduction. Yes, finally we have a superhero that stands for Californian ideals! He's built like Adonis! His hair contains enough mousse to qualify as a fire hazzard in 30 states! He's superlatively tanned! His name is...Rad!!! (pause) Rad!!! (pause) Hey, that's your cue! Say something! "Oh, wow, sorry about that, dude. I was just looking up virtuous in the dictionary, y'know, only it's a bit difficult because all the words, like, have more than one syllable, like, and..." Ahem! Rad, lying on the beach, soaking in the California sun which was adding to his already stunning tan, began to reminisce about how he received the power to fire vastly destructive bolts of psychokinetic energy. The world starts to spin around him as the present image dissolves to make way for images of the past.... "Wow, dig this most thoroughly excellent fadeout..." Sssshhhhh! ------------------------------------------ Rad, or as he was then known to the less excellently tanned people around him, Joseph Moroboshi (his Japanese sounding name comes from his being adopted by a Japanese-American couple after they found him abandoned on the beach, already on his way to a superlative tan), was lying on the beach, working on his tan and giving the readership a drastic case of deja vu, when an explosion far up in the atmosphere woke him up. "Most bogus," he said with a start. "Am I sleeping through the fourth of June?" "That's July," the start replied without him, "And no, those aren't fire- works." "Like, totally awesome," Joseph said, totally without the start. He then paused. "Well, like, what is it then, y'know?" Joseph soon learned. The explosion tore a gaping hole in the ozone layer, and the incoming ultraviolet rays focused directly on him, hitting him with the force of ten Dom DeLuises. The rays mingled with the mousse of his hair, producing an immediate and completely gratuitous special effect. In a more important but totally unrelated occurance, the transmogrified mousse bubbled to the size of a largish igloo, completely burying Rad. The start gave up around this point and set out to find some senior citizens to torment. Seconds passed. Seconds stopped at the outdoor bar for some tofu and a nice fruity drink with a really keen little umbrella. Seconds then noticed there was a largish igloo nearby. Seconds (whose first name was Manny, as far as the IRS knew) was totally shocked to see the largish igloo then blow apart from the concussive force of two spectacular psychokinetic bolts. He ran to the exhausted but quite excellently tanned figure that collapsed where the largish igloo was. "Hey, dude, are you Ok?" he asked. Manny Seconds waited many seconds. "No," came the voice, "I'm Joseph." Despite this, Manny befriended Joseph, and helped him train in the use of his new powers. He convinced Joseph that becoming a superhero and using his psychokinetic powers to help mankind would not cut down significantly on the number of hours he spent looking at himself in mirrors, windows, lakes, etc. And so, a legend was fried. -------------------------------------- "Wow," Rad declared, awaking from his flashback, "What a most spectacular origin. I am most impressed." With yourself, you always are... "Huh?" Uh, er, nothing, nothing! Ahem. Just then Manny Seconds passed. "Why so much time?" Rad asked. No, no, no! Your assistant extraordinaire, Manny. "I think, like, I detect a running joke here," Rad said. "Who's running?" Manny replied. "I'm passing. Listen to the man." Don't look at me. You'll simply have to work this out for yourselves. "Uh, right," Manny said. "Rad, take a look at the weather report I recorded off the today show!" With a supreme effort, Rad sat up and lifted his sunglasses. What he saw stunned him. "Whoah...now that's what I call a babe! And hey...isn't that George Bush over there, like, y'know?" "No, Rad. Look at the TV here." "Oh." Rad saw the tape of that mornings Today Show. Willard Scott was doing his weather forecast. Rad thought he detected a malific glint in Willard's eye as he started to describe California's upcoming weather. "Yes, lots and lots of gloom for beachgoers over the next few months, specifically because I have taken control of weather patterns for the U.S. and don't like all that sun and fun," Willard declared. "Uh, Willard," Bryant Gumbel broke in, wheeling his ego behind him. "Isn't that a bit unethical?" "Of course not, Bryant!" Willard laughed in a pathetically transparant attempt to convince viewers that they were not mortal enemies. "Just checking," Bryant replied, whipping out an uzi and spraying lead death in Willard's general direction. "And now a word from me on the great taste of Maxwell House coffee..." Willard said, dodging bullets while throwing hand grenades at Bryant. "Turn it off," Rad said. "A most heinous threat to all that is, like, truly Californian has just been revealed to me. We must go on a quest to prevent this truly bogus weatherman from, y'know, stymying the tanning instincts of all beach goers." HOW IS WILLARD SCOTT CONTROLLING THE WEATHER? HOW WILL RAD STOP HIM? IS ANYONE FOOLED BY THE TRANSPARANT ATTEMPTS AT FRIENDLINESS THAT BRYANT GUMBEL AND WILLARD SCOTT TRY TO FOIST ON VIEWERS EVERY MORNING? "Uh, no." HUH? HEY, THESE QUESTIONS ARE FOR THE READERS, NOT YOU, RAD! "Oh, sorry. Say, how do you get your voice in all caps like that?" I'M NOT TELLING YOU! GO AWAY! AHEM...WAS THAT THE REAL GEORGE BUSH ON THE BEACH, OR WAS RAD JUST SEEING ANOTHER WEENIE ROAST? ARE THE TODAY SHOW STUDIOS LOCATED IN NEW YORK OR CALIFORNIA? WILL I EVER TIRE OF MAKING PUNS ON THE NAME "MANNY SECONDS"? ALL THIS AND OH SO MUCH MORE COMING SOON IN...SUPERGUY! Acknowledge-To: <34EPWQL@CMUVM ========================================================================= RAD #2pt1 "Aerial Attack...Attic...Haddock...Ah, Forget It..." by Gary W. Olson When we last left our most stunningly tanned hero, he was on his way to the airport to get on a plane to New York City, the suspected location of the Today Show studios. It could only be "suspected" as they seemed to shift randomly, possibly in an attempt to avoid being located by Jane Pauly. Now, as we rejoin Rad, whose real name is Joseph Moroboshi for anyone who bypass the thouroughly excellent origin flashback of last time, we find Rad is *still* on his way to the airport. Apparantly, the high concentration of mirrors in Southern California has been hindering his progress somewhat. Somehow, Rad finally made it to the airport, where he quickly got on the phone and called his secretary, Glum. "Actually, dude, she's, like, quite perky, y'know?" No, no, you mendicant, I mean your secretary *named* Glum. "Oh, yah," Rad said, comprehension finally pushing its way through his brain layers. "Darling!" a voice called out from the phone receiver, "Are you talking to the air again?" "What?" asked a perplexed Rad. "Uh, like, no, I guess..." "Well, don't forget, darling, that I will be forwarding all your calls into the cellular phone in your portable tanning booth as always..." "Thank..." "And I've reserved the tanning booth suite at Cancerorama Hilton Hotel for you for three days and eight nights..." "Like..." "And Manny has the non-tanning suite adjacent to yours, of course..." "Uh, thanks, Glum," said Rad, finally able to get a sentence in, albeit one with no discernable syntax or grammar. "You've done a totally awesome job as always, babe. Oh, yah, like one more thing..." "Yes, darling?" Glum whispered. Somewhere in the distance a pin dropped. "Like, don't call me darling." "Of course, darling," Glum replied, and hung up. Behind Rad, the people filming the US Splint commercial (the ones that had that business about the pin dropping) yelled "cut!" Dr. Kildare rushed up but was shooed away. Manny Seconds did not pass, probably to avoid further confusion on Rad's part, but walked up behind him and kind of stood there for a while. He then left, walked completely around the airport, and walked in front of Rad. "Hey, I take great pride in being unfathomable," Manny said. You mean inscrutible? "You mean there's a verb 'To Scrut'?" Manny replied. Ahem... "Oh, right..." Manny replied. "Rad, its time to catch the plane. I've loaded your portable tanning booth into the plane, and have gotten a seat in the non-smoking, non-terrorist, youbetchalotsa-tanning section. They had a bit of trouble with the metal detector. It beeped because Rad was not carrying a gun or bomb. Apparantly, it seemed, it was necessary to carry such implements to get by the metal detector. Not doing so merely called attention to yourself. Rad solved this problem like he solves most problems, by blowing away the metal detector with his psychokinetic blasts. This seemed to please the airline attendants, who knew that they could probably get a week off with pay due to the mental distress this whole mess caused. Soon, Rad and Manny were on the plane and flying away. ------------------------------------------- Willard Scott growled evilly in his secret hideout in...well, I can't really tell you now, can I? I mean if I did it wouldn't be too much of a secret? Ahem! Anyway, Willard growled evilly in his secret hideout. "Oooooh, Boss, why are you growling?" Herb Villachez said. Herb, after falling on hard, if short, times after Fantasy Archilopago was cancelled, decided he was best cut out to be a supervillan henchman. That, and he always made Willard feel superior, an obvious bonus in the henchman business. "That accursed superhero Rad is flying out to New York today. He's fallen into my trap! Soon, Rad will be...Radolini!" "I don't get it, boss." "Radolini...Italian dish...Tommy Lasorda told me about it..." "Oooooh. You're wierd, Boss." Willard resumed growling evilly. He moved over to a control panel and turned it on. A message appeared on the screen: "Stop it, I'm not that kind of motherboard...giggle!" He adjusted thingies and pulled switches and pressed buttons and pulled levers and ordered pizza and all the other things mad scientists do when they want to do something nasty involving machinery. "A small faction of the Greenslimy Alien force above is secretly aiding me in my quest to control the weather worldwide. If I succeed in controlling the weather of the United States, I may win the support of all of 'em." "But, Boss," said Herb, who had noticed a plotline dangling earlier, "What does this have to do with not liking sun and fun, like you said in yes- terdays weather broadcast?" "I don't like sun and fun!" Willard yelled. "Why do you think I endorse Maxwell House coffee? Its so brown and dirtlike!" Herb simply said "Ooooh," and waddled off. Willard turned to issue some non-pizza orders into a microphone. He paused. "Is it just me, or does this city suddenly smell of Doritos?" He shrugged and went back to non-pizza order issuing. WHY DOES RAD HAVE A SECRETARY? DOES THE BIT ABOUT THE DORITOS GIVE SUFFICIENT CLUE AS TO WHERE WILLARD SCOTT IS HIDING OUT? WHY IS MANNY SECONDS SO UNFATHOMABLE? AND WHY HAVEN'T I MADE ANY PUNS ON HIS NAME THIS TIME AROUND? WHY ARE THE GREENSLIMY ALIENS INVOLVED? WHAT'S A MENDICANT? FIND OUT, MAYBE, IN THE SECOND PART OF EPISODE TWO OF RAD IN ... SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= RAD #2pt2: "Aerial Attack...Attic...Haddock...Ah, Forget It..." by Gary W. Olson Rad was watching "Akira," the in-flight movie. True, it was somewhat difficult as he was wearing his mirrored sunglasses at the time. That difficulty was compounded somewhat by the fact that the mirrors were facing inward, not outward. But Rad nevertheless managed. "I've, like, already seen the movie, dude," Rad said. Yes, I know. "Well, yah, ok then, I guess I'll just step outside for a bit of fresh air." Rad got up and walked out of that section, brushing by a suspiciously weenie-like individual. Manny ignored him and continued to doze in the window seat. "Wait a minute..." he suddenly thought. "We're in a plane!" He looked out the window and saw Rad walking out onto the left wing of the plane, with a beach towel and a WalkPerson radio. Apparantly, and this was something Manny had not previously realized, Rad could use his power at low levels to match the velocity of the plane. Manny sighed and sat back in his seat. Stewardesses zipped back and forth with carts of airline food, guns, knives, and other implements of death. Thanks to deregulation, passengers now had a choice as to how they would come by serious injury. An Air Force guy in the next row was talking. "Yew see those green things up there in space? Thems are weather balloons!" "What about that thing labelled "Winaprize" that's battling the weather balloons?" Manny asked. "Oh, that's just swamp gas," the air force guy replied. "Wow, you just managed a stupider explaination than the last one." "Aw, heck," said the air force guy, blushing, "I can do better than that." Meanwhile, outside, Rad spread out his towel and laid down on the wing of the plane. Either he was unconsciously using his power to match the velocity of the plane, or he was so incredibly self-absorbed that he didn't realize that scientists have found conclusive links between stepping out of airplanes flying at 20,000 feet and dying soon thereafter. So, not knowing he was supposed to meet a grisly death, he didn't fall. Actually, though, its probably a little of both. "Like, dude, don't you ever shut up?" Well, I...well...its my job to be verbose! "Yah, sure, eh? You probably just come from a broken home..." I do not! Well, not too broken...you see, my father was a muse, and... "On second thought, dude, I liked it better when you were talking about me. As a matter of fact, here I come now." Great scott! He's right! Another Rad is approaching the plane. The second Rad swooped down and sat on the wing next to the first Rad. "Like, hey, what's doin, dude?" the first Rad asked. "Just, like, hangin' out, y'know," the second Rad said. "It'll be a couple of hours before I can time travel back to the present, so I thought I'd hang out with myself and, like, talk, y'know?" "Like, most excellent, dude," the first Rad said. "But, like, isn't this, like, the present?" "Well, not for me, my most superlatively tanned self," the second Rad answered. "For me, like, this is the past. I'm like, time-travelling, y'know?" "Wow, this is most radical, my friend," the first Rad replied. But why am I...I mean you...I mean us...we...time-travelling?" "Well, it was, like, accidental, y'know?" the second Rad replied. "Anyways, don't worry about it, because it won't start until, like, February, y'know?" "Yah, eh, thanks for stopping by, dude," the first Rad said. "Oh, yah, one more thing," the second Rad said. "I'd get ready. You're about to be attacked by the minions of Willard Scott." "The what of Willard Scott?" the first Rad asked, more perplexed than usual. But his future self was already flying off. No sooner than his future self taken off than Rad was hit with a concuss- ive coffee bean that whalloped him off the plane into the air behind it. He fell 8.9 feet, then stopped his descent with judicious use of his psychokinetic powers to counteract the force of gravity. He then flew to meet his attackers. Three people, all of whom were at least 103 years old, stood on the flying plane. The first one, who bore a striking resemblance to Linda Ellerbee except for the wrinkles and the walker, which seemed a distinctly odd implement seeing as she apparantly had the power of flight, called out to Rad. "Surrender at once or I'll be forced to resort to non-decaffinated coffee beans!" she yelled. "Like, whoah, old lady, chill out," Rad said, hovering above the left wing-tip. "Can't we like, split some tofu and like, talk?" "Ah, shuddup," another old man grunted. He extended his arms and a barrage of projectiles shot out. Most of them missed Rad, but a few flew in his mouth. "Quaker Oatmeal!" Rad said, disgusted at having accidently eaten something that was all natural. "And it's, like, plain flavored, too! Totally bogus!" The third one shot a gust of wind at him. "I am the wind!" He cackled in a fashion that could only be called Murray. "I shall..heh, heh...shall we say...blow you away? Heh? Heh!" "Apparantly this dude, like, doesn't get out much, huh?" Rad said. You're quite right on that one. Anyone who cackles in a Murray fashion probably doesn't have much of a social life. "If you had been watching the Today Show, you moronic but stultifyingly tanned cashew, you'd have seen us all introduced by Willard," the coffee bean throwing old woman yelled. "Was that, like, the one where Bryant tried to stab Willard with a bowie knife?" Rad asked. "No, that was the week before," the old woman said. "I'm talking about the one where Willard tried to demonstrate the finer techniques of mortar shelling on Bryant." "Oh, wow. So, I guess, like, you're going to, like, try and, like, kill me, y'know, right?" Rad asked. "What?" they all asked. Apparantly, none of them were carrying their English-to-Californian dictionaries. "No," Gus, the Quaker Oatmeal guy said, "but we're going to try to kill you!" Inside the pilots cockpit, Frank Lorenzo saw the commotion. He then advised passengers that they would be seeing a little turbulence and that there was nothing to worry about and no, despite the plane being 30 years old there was no danger from metal fatigue, and yes, he had covered a good half of the pre-flight checklist before actually taking off and no, those weren't cracks in the engine housing. Meanwhile, in the passenger cabin, the air force guy was commenting on the variety of helicopters that were flying just outside. WILL RAD FILTER OUT THE COFFEE BEAN THROWING WOMAN? WILL HE COOL DOWN THE QUAKER OATMEAL GUY? WILL HE BREAK THE WIND? "What kind of question is that?" OH..HEH, HEH...I MISSED THAT ONE. GUESS I'VE GOT TO SHOW UP FOR REHEARSALS MORE. ANYWAY...AHEM...HOW DOES ONE CACKLE IN A MURRAY FASHION? WILL THE AIR FORCE GUY SAY ANYTHING INTELLIGENT? WHY THE CONTINUED ABSENCE OF MANNY SECONDS PUNS? WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THE TIME-TRAVELLING BIT, ANYWAY? WHAT'S A MENDICANT? FIND OUT, MAYBE, ALL THIS AND OH SO MUCH MORE IN AN UPCOMING... SUPERGUY ========================================================================= Rad #3: "Flying the Most Heinous Skies" by Gary W. Olson When we last left our most astonishingly tanned hero Rad, he was con- fronting the evil 103-year-old minions of Willard Scott. They were all hovering about a UAL jetliner at about 20000 feet above the very, very hard surface of the Earth. "Like, dudes," Rad said to his elderly but very powerful attackers, "why, like, are we hovering around this jetliner, like, y'know? Wouldn't it, like, be easier to, well, fly off a little ways and like, fight?" The three minions gave their best stunned fish imitations to Rad. Then, the Murray-like individual who called himself The Wind, got all excited. "I'm getting the translation now!" he exclaimed, in a Murray-like fashion. "He said 'Why are we hovering around this jetliner? Wouldn't it be easier to fly off a little ways and fight?'" "Uh, yah," Rad said. He took advantage of their momentary confusion to quickly rub some tanning lotion on his back, which was facing the sun. "Sorry, sonny," the coffeebean throwing lady who bore a striking resemb- lence to Linda Ellerbee at age 103 said. "If we did that, we wouldn't be endangering any innocent civilians." "Union rules, son," the Quaker Oatmeal guy added. Say, Rad, excuse me a moment, but could you ask them their names? "Huh? I thought you, like, knew everything, that you were, like, impotent, y'know..." That's OMNIPOTENT, you flying lump of skin cancer. And no, I'm not omnipotent. Merely omniscient. The problem is that narrator central faxed me their code names this morning, but the wiring got screwed up and I got a copy of Gary Hart's diary. Very interesting reading, though. "And you, like, want me to ask them their code names, right?" Yes! That's it! Now quick, before you forget again... "Say, sonny," the Quaker Oatmeal guy said, "why are you talking to the air all of a sudden?" "Oh, ah, nothin...uh, like, nothin," said Rad. "Say, like, who are you dudes, anyways? Like, what's your, like, code-names, eh?" "Like I said before, I am The Wind!" the remarkably Murray-like individual said. Rad ignored him, standard practice for such remarkably dismal personages. "I am Quaker Oatmeal Guy!" the plump guy with the handlebar mustache said. Rather an uninventive sort of fellow, I must say. The third one, the 103-year-old who bore a striking resemblence to Linda Ellerbee, said, "I am Ms. Coffee, you mendicant!" Whew, that's a relief. I thought she was going to say Maxwell House Lady or something really stupid. No sooner had the three introduced themselves than they cut loose at Rad. The combined force of a concussive non-decaffienated coffee bean, a big helping of apple cinammon quaker oatmeal and a typhoon slammed into him, throwing him into the engine housing. Rad quickly recovered, though and fired his spectacularily destructive psychokinetic blasts at Quaker Oat- meal Guy. The two bolts both scored, exploding in a really keen special effect. Quaker Oatmeal guy kind of pirhouetted into The Wind. They both sailed off in the general direction of the cockpit. Ms. Coffee sneered. "Ok, you turpidly tanned turnip, you force me to play really rough. And so it goes...." She whipped a "Mr. Coffee" coffee maker out from who-knows-where and aimed it at Rad. Rad noticed that the "Mr." had been crossed out and a crude "Ms." was written above it. Apparantly, this was one of the modified Mr. Coffee's, because instead of dripping coffee, it fired a concentrated stream of acid coffee at Rad. With a supreme effort (yes, one even greater than what was necessary to sit up and lift his sunglasses in episode 1), he tore away from the engine housing just as the destructive stream of coffee sliced the left engines clean off. Rad, not having been informed previously that engines were necessary in the business of flying planes, allowed it to fall, instead swooping underneath the plane and around the other side. He expected, correctly, to confuse Ms. Coffee, as to do such would require that he lose contact with the sun for .003 seconds, something no ordinary stunningly tanned person could accept. It was wrenching, but Rad did it for the higher purpose of trashing his foes. Ms. Coffee was completely confused by this turn of events. She was so confused she didn't notice that she was being fired upon. When she did notice, it was to find out that her Mr. Coffee was completely vaporized, as was most of her back armor. Annoyed, she tossed a coffee bean in Rad's direction. Just then, however, the Wind attacked, accidently blowing the coffee bean through a window into the passenger section. All waited for an explosion, but none came. "Not *another* defective batch, Linda!" the Quaker Oatmeal Guy said. "It must be Willard's fault," Ms. Coffee cursed. "He never did know too much about coffee." "Or the weather," Rad offered. "Say, do you smell Doritos on the wind from Gothopolis?" Quaker Oatmeal Guy responded by firing some Blueberry Instant in Rad's direction. Rad deflected it with his psychokinetic blast, scattering the deadly oatmeal. By sheer chance, it all flew directly into the engines in the right wing of the plane, completely choking it off and shutting it all down. Well, actually, only one flake did *that*, the others just went in to browse a while, maybe pick up a few ball bearings or have a quick drink of oil. The "mallies" quickly separated themselves from the ordinary browsers, decked out in fashionable, urban-hip (for a quaker oatmeal flake) styles, hanging around and looking disapprovingly at the regular browsers. Meanwhile, completely oblivious to the shopping mall culture that was rapidly evolving inside the right engine housing, Rad continued to battle with his three very wrinkled opponents. They did so until one of them came to a startlingly perceptive realization. "Say," the Wind said in Murrayish overtones. "Where did the plane go?" They all looked down. The plane was making a very rapid descent towards a most incredibly stupified telephone sanitizer on the ground below, who was touring the New York countryside looking for rural phones to sanitize. Now this guy has seen some fairly epic things in his time as a telephone sanitizer, such as Mafia operations and Rosanne Barr's waistline, but a UAL jet closing in at 12 o'clock was a quite new and most unnerving experience. So he assumed the crisis position that most people would assume at that particular time: stand with a stupid look and let events wash over you. Rad dived after the descending plane. The supervillains started to follow, but hesitated. "He'll probably kill himself trying to save that plane," Quaker Oatmeal guy said. "Let's go report success to our boss. Besides, my arthritis is acting up again." Everyone agreed and flew off. Meanwhile, Rad reached the jet liner. Which was fine, except that it was still descending rapidly. It still had some of its forward momentum, so Rad dived under the plane and used his psychokinetic powers to try to get it on more of a horizontal heading. All the passengers held their breath. Well, there were a few people screaming their bloody heads off, but they were doing it with less breath than before. Manny Seconds continued to sleep, completely unaware that the coffeebean that Ms. Coffee threw went through his window (the depressuriz- ation was stopped when the putty from a nearby terrorist bomb flew out from under a nearby seat and plugged the hole) and into his mouth. Even now, an explosive coffee bean was lodged in his cheek, just waiting for the ceasing of movement relative to the Earth to explode. WILL RAD SUCCEED IN SAVING THE UAL JETLINER? WHAT SORT OF DANGER IS MANNY SECONDS IN? WHAT WOULD THE AIR FORCE GUY SAY ABOUT ALL THIS NONSENSE? DOES THE QUAKER OATMEAL SHOPPING MALL CULTURE IN THE RIGHT WING ENGINE HOUSING CARRY THE NEW ROLLING STONES CD IN THEIR RECORD STORES? WHAT IS A MENDICANT? IS MANNY SECONDS THE PERFECT GUY TO FINISH EVERYONE'S HOLIDAY LEFTOVERS, OR WHAT? WHY HASN'T GEORGE BUSH APPEARED IN THIS EPISODE? ALL THIS AND CHEESE DIP TOO ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY!!! - Running Dog Imperia Superguy Discussion 12/04/89 Rad 3: Flying the Most Heinou Acknowledge-To: <34EPWQL@CMUVM ========================================================================= Rad #4: "The Dude is in New York" by Gary W. Olson The damaged UAL jet tore through the sky, more down than across, but still very much through. Rad was flying underneath the jet, using his psychokinetic powers to keep the jets forward momentum up long enough for the flight to make it to J.F.K. airport. For some inexplicable reason, the endangered telephone sanitizer on the ground jumped into the car and kept driving directly under the jet, all the time wearing that stupid fish expression that people always wear when a jet is about to drop on top of them. Moments later, in a horrendous shriek of metal and glass, the plane landed. Oh, the plane was quite intact, yes, except for the left engine housing which had been sliced off completely during the course of Rad's battle with the minions of Willard Scott. The horrendous shriek came from all the ambulances, emergency transports, and lawyers' limos that had driven onto the runway to deal with the situation, only to be splattered against the runway as the plane slid in. The plane missed the telephone sanitizer's car, which seemed to snap him out of his spell. The coffee bean that waited inside the cheek of the unwary and very much asleep Manny Seconds exploded. Manny's eyes snapped open and bugged out three inches. He shot up, literally, to the ceiling and said "aaaaaaaaaaaigh!!" Later, as the real rescue teams were tending to the victims (the earlier ones, except for the lawyers, turned out to be mannequins, which caused a great deal of puzzlement among people in the know, who were expecting llamas), Rad, our extremely well-tanned hero, was chatting happily with Key and Yury, two well-outfitted nurses. Very well-outfitted, in fact. "You want to know our favorite movie, Rad?" Key, the red-haired one, asked, with a voice that could melt a coffeeboro. "Like, yah," Rad replied. "What, like, is it?" Yury wiggled up to him. "Fatal Attraction," she giggled. Fortunately, that was a movie that Rad had actually seen without falling asleep or putting on those sunglasses of his, the ones with the mirrors on the inside. Rad had wondered why they were carrying those daggers around. He started to back off. "Uh, yah, right ladies..." Rad said. "Maybe we'll, like, have drinks sometime, eh?" "You know it, Raddy," Key cooed. Rad noticed she had a bit of chokewire hanging out of her purse. Even someone this self-absorbed could figure this one out. "RAAAAD!!!" Manny screamed behind him. Rad jumped fifteen feet, realized it was just Manny, and floated back to the ground. You just don't *do* that to somebody when he is trying to back slowly away from two stunningly attract- ive but still very psychopathic women. "What is it, Manny?" Rad asked. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? YOU'VE GOT TO GO FIND WILLARD SCOTT AND BEAT HIM UP!!!" Manny yelled. He was pacing furiously back and forth and was trembling like he was still in the quake that had rocked California a while ago. "Are you, like, okay?" "OF COURSE I'M OKAY!! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M NOT????" "Well, dude, it looks like you've been drinking non-decaf coffee, like, during the entire trip. You're, like, wired to the hilt, y'know?" "I DON'T DRINK COFFEE!!!!" Manny screamed. Excuse me, if I may step in for a minute, I think I can explain it. "Like, what's going on, dude?" Well, when Ms. Coffee threw her explosive coffee bean through the window of the plane in the previous episode, it lodged itself in Manny's cheek. When the plane stopped, it "exploded," sending its mega-dose of hyper-caffeine coursing through Manny's body. He'll be like this until mid-January, I'm afraid. "WHAT??? ARRRGH!!!!!" Manny stormed off to assault a garbage can. ------------------------------------------------ Dan Quayle boarded Air Force Two, on his way back to Camp David, the temporary office of the presidency, which was his. But not for long, if he had his way. The last few weeks had been a mere blur. He remembered something about battling some guy called Galaxy Hunter, but had come to believe that had been a dream brought on by eating too many Hostess Cupcakes. What he totally failed to see, among many other glaring things, was that he had been posessed, briefly, by the spirit of intergalactic arch-criminal Gorgax. When Dan regained what passed as his senses, he found himself touring the rubble of the big earthquake. Upon realizing this, Dan quickly left. After all, what good was looking at rubble? It would have been really fun to have been there while it all was happening. Maybe Disney could make it into a ride next year. The problem he faced, however, was that he was now President, and as such he would not have time to do things like go to DisneyWorld or DisneyLand or whatever it was they called it (Danny always got the two confused). Anyway, he wanted to go to the one that hadn't recently been blown to smithereens by Dangerousman. Somewhere out there, he knew, was the real George Bush. But in the explosion that had demolished Washington, D.C, Bush had been splintered into a thousand points of George. Probably more than a thousand. Maybe a hundred. His advisors estimated that about a third of the horde of George Bushs had been captured and were being held in a macho town in Texas named Hogville, the "Pork Rind capital of the world." Actually, they weren't being held exactly, its just that whenever a Bush tries to leave, he smells some pork rinds, and, well, he just has to stay. The perfect weenie trap. Dan wanted to find the real George Bush so he could become president again. Being President was no fun at all. Vice-president was loads of fun, and he didn't have to make any of those silly decisions on national defense, foreign policy, the budget, or anything at all of consequence. Oh, yes, he was in charge of the space agency, which basically he got to write reviews of the new special effects in each shuttle mission. A really keen job. The problem was, though, how to gather the rest of the Bushs. Eventually, to be sure, they could round them all up. But in the meantime, he would have to suffer and maybe actually make a decision that affected non-inantimate objects. Such a terror the world has never faced. If only he could find a way to send someone back in time to capture the evasive hoard of Georges. Perhaps if he talked to Dr. Gigawatt.... ---------------------------------------------------- Rad stepped out of the cab. Manny had already lept through the roof and crawled halfway up Rockefella Center. Clearly, the caffeine was affecting his system. Rad paid the cabbie, who said "Qskjkvskj slkjdflk weiuoyjko," and left. He levitated up to where Manny was climbing. "Like, dude, I didn't know you had, like, super powers," he said. "I DON'T!!!!" Manny screamed. "I'M JUST VERY VERY HIGH STRUNG RIGHT NOW!" They continued up the side of the building in much of this fashion. In one of the windows, Rad thought he saw George Bush being pulled through a gaping hole in the space-time fabric by a stunningly tanned arm, but he then realized that it was just swamp gas. What swamp gas would be doing in an office of Rockefella Center, home of NBC and the elusive Today Show studios, was quite unclear. Probably auditioning for a part on the Cosby Show. Finally, they reached the floor of the Today Show studios. Manny showed signs of wanting to hack an enterance with his teeth, but Rad saved him the necessity of doing so by using his psychokinetic blasts to open a big hole. They climbed in. "WOW!!" Manny declared. "WHERE IS EVERYBODY?" "Probably at home, dude," Rad told him. "It, like, is suppertime, you know." "I KNOW! I KNOW!" Manny said loudly. "WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR???" "Like, I dunno, dude," said Rad. "What do people usually look for, like when they break into the Today Show studios?" "Usually, they're looking for me," a loud and self-important voice boomed from a corner. Bryant Gumbel stepped out of the shadows, holding a bazooka. "Are you minions of Willard Scott?" "NO!!" Manny screamed, doing an odd pirhouette in the process. Bryant lowered his bazooka. "Just checking," he said affably. "You must be Rad, the superhero who saved the UAL jetliner today." "Like, yah, how did you know, eh?" Rad asked, most pleased that he had a chance to impress somebody famous. "I saw it on 'Good Morning America,'" he replied. "Why are you here, though?" "Well, dude, Willard Scott has, like, this really bogus plan to, like, take control of, like, the nation's weather and, like, make things really heinous for us beachgoers, and I have to, like, stop him to, well, like, protect that which, like, is, y'know, truly Californian, you, like, know?" Now, normally, when Rad says something this complicated, it takes an exp- erienced cryptographer to decode it. But fortunately, Rad was talking to someone just as much, if not more, self-absorbed than he was. Only someone as self-absorbed as Rad could understand what he says when he utters more than ten words, and Bryant definitely qualified there. "He does?" an incredulous Bryant asked. "This is horrible! We must defeat him!!" "WE?" Manny gargled. "Yes!" Bryant said. "I'll help you savagely mutilate...uh, I mean capture ...him...uh, yeah..." "Great, dude," Rad said. "Do you, like, know where he, like, is?" "Yes," Bryant said, "He's holed up in Gothopolis, on the pretense of avoiding Jane Pauly and her ninja death commandos. But that city has really started to reek of Doritos lately, you'd better wear your gas masks." Much later, after Bryant got some sleep (Rad set his tanning booth on "extra-crispy" and read the paper, which contained several interesting articles on the roaming Cinderella's castle, a fruitcake which had created another pothole on a freeway (albeit a very biiig pothole), the latest ultimatum from the Plain People's Liberation Front, and of course, the latest "Far Side." Meanwhile, Manny didn't sleep, so he settled for tearing through the hotel screaming "My God! It's Lee Iacocca!" for no readily apparant reason), they set out for Gothopolis. They returned, breifly, to get a car, then left again. WILL RAD FIND WILLARD SCOTT AND HIS EVIL MINIONS? WHAT WILL DAN QUAYLE DO? DOES IT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE TIME-TRAVEL BIT FROM EPISODE 2? WHY DOES GOTHOPOLIS REEK OF DORITOS? JANE PAULY AND HER NINJA COMMANDOS? WILL MANNY EVER MELLOW OUT? IS HE STILL UNFATHOMABLE? WHY HASN'T ANYONE CALLED ANYONE A MENDICANT? WHY HASN'T ANYONE MENTIONED CHEESE DIP, AFTER IT WAS EXPLICITLY MENTIONED IN THE PREVIEWS? "Like, gosh, I dunno, dude." AAAAGH!! ALL THIS AND MORE ON THE NEXT... "Let me do it, dude...." NO! ITS MY JOB! MINE! ON THE NEXT... "Superguy, dude." "SUPERGUY!!!...OH, CURSES.... ! ========================================================================= Rad #5: "Like, Que Pasa, Dude?" by Gary W. Olson Willard Scott growled evilly at the scientific face that stared back at him from the big viewscreen that was reserved for important scientific faces. "Vhy do you growl so eesily?" the important scientific face said in a stock german accent. "Because, Dr. Gigawatt," Willard said, growling. "You have just threaten- ed to withdraw your support for my weather-control project. What did you think I was talking about?" "Now, now, dear fellow," Dr. Gigawatt replied in a stock English accent. "Wot's all the fuss? I'm just telling you I've received a better offer and that you'll have to find somebody else to give you technical support." "Who?" Willard...yes, you guessed it...growled. "Who could possibly give you a better offer than myself?" "Quien? The vice-president, senor," Dr. Gigawatt said in a stock mexican accent. "He is offer me mucho dinero to help heem in beelding time travel machine." "What? Arrrgh...." Willard fumed. He could never compete with the gover- nment. They could print up enough money to pay whatever Dr. Gigawatt demanded. Angrily, he shut off the viewscreen. "Boss," his leading henchman Herb Villachez said. "Rad and two others are approaching Gothopolis city limits." "Curses," Willard growled, kicking a can of Maxwell House. "It's too soon! If I had more time I could secure some assistance from my faction of allies within the Greenslimy Alien force orbiting above. But now...wait! They don't know the location of this hideout, do they?" "Bryant Gumbel is with them, boss," Herb replied. "Ok, so they do know. Well, alert our mindless minions, henchman number one! It looks like it's time for the final showdown!" "Oooooh, yes, boss," Herb said. He waddled off to find the minions. ------------------------------------------------ A car followed the car being driven by Rad, Manny, and Bryant. Its two occupants watched the occupants intently, especially the well-tanned one. They giggled to each other occasionally, while they sketched on photos just where the well-tanned occupant's jugular vein was. For now, they were content to follow. ------------------------------------------------ Rad, Manny Seconds (Rad's assistant extraordinaire), and Bryant Gumbel (Willard Scott's archenemy) stopped in front of an abandoned gymnasium on the outskirts of Gothopolis. In fact, it was called "The Abandoned Gymnasium," for some inexplicable reason. "Is this, like, the place, dude?" Rad asked. "I THINK SO!!" Manny replied. The hyper-caffeine in his system did not seem to be going away very quickly. Manny punched out the door and stepped out. "A little louder, dude," Rad said. "I don't, like, think the people on the, like, other side of town, like, heard you, y'know?" "OH, SORRY!" Manny said, at about the same decibel level as before. "I'M JUST A LITTLE HIGH STRUNG RIGHT NOW." "So you say," Bryant Gumbel replied. All three were wearing gas masks to filter out the pungent stench of Doritos that seemed to permeate the city. But then, the Dorito stench was some other hero's problem. As long as it didn't interfere with his tan, it didn't really bother Rad. They entered the gymnasium. Most of the exercize equipment had been removed, and all that was left was a ratty carpet and three dumbbells. "I, like, take exception to that, dude." I wasn't talking about you and your compatriots...although I probably could have been. "Who are you talking to?" Bryant inquired. "I don't see anybody." "IT'S A LONG STORY," Manny replied. His sentence echoed throughout the complex like Dom DeLuise bouncing through a refrigerator. "Gee," Rad said. "I wonder if they know we're here now." "Yes we do, you moronic miscreant," Ms. Coffee said, stepping out from behind a coffee table. She had a new acid-coffee-firing Mr. Coffee machine loaded and aimed at them. "And you can count on us to finish off the job we didn't finish earlier," The Wind said in Murrayish fashion, stepping out from behind Ms. Coffee. "You can trust us, to, heh, shall we say, stamp your ticket, yes? Heh, heh." Oh, please spare me. "We're gonna kill ya," said Quaker Oatmeal Guy, stepping out from behind The Wind. "Because its the right thing to do, and a fun way to do it!" Both sides attacked each other, causing further damage to the already dipilidated gymnasium. Rad was hit with the force of a small tornado by The Wind, flying back into the very hard concrete wall. Manny Seconds passed. "Say, did somebody just pass by us?" Quaker Oatmeal Guy asked. "YES, I DID!!!" screamed Manny. He jumped onto the back of Quaker Oatmeal Guy and proceeded to give him hyper-caffeine influenced noogies. Quaker Oatmeal Guy wandered around the gymnasium in torment, spewing oatmeal out of his fingertips at random, while Manny rode him piggyback-style. Bryant Gumbel wasted no time in letting rip with his AK-47 in one hand and his Uzi in another. Fortunately, his aiming skill is much smaller than his ego, as are most things, and he hit nobody, as always. Nevertheless, he managed to waste a hell of a lot of ammunition. It was a most impressive sight. Ms. Coffee fired her acid coffee in a stream at Bryant, hoping to saw him in half. The deadly coffee was deflected by a spectacular psychokinetic bolt from Rad, which dissapated the coffee harmlessly. Rad stood up. "Ok, dudes, I, like, really don't have time, like, for this, like, y'know?" He fired two psychokinetic bolts, one from each hand, which zeroed in on Ms. Coffee and The Wind, slamming them into the opposite wall. They kind of sunk to the ground, unconscious except for the occasional babble about Maxwell House coffee. Quaker Oatmeal Guy soon went unconscious from the sheer annoy- ance of Manny's hyper-noogies. "Like, lets tie these dudes up, y'know, like, in the movies?" Rad said, in a rare show of logic. Soon, the three elderly but quite powerful super- villains were tied up with some convenient rope that just happened to have been nearby. "SAY!!!" Manny shouted. "IS THAT THE SECRET ENTERANCE???" "Uh, like, let me look," Rad said. He peered at the sign. "Se...cret... en...trance...stay...out...you! Yah, that looks, like, like the place we're looking for, y'know? A most bodacious find, my friend." Rad walked in his excellently tanned splendor through the secret enter- ance. Bryant and Manny tried but were repelled by the sudden and most powerful force field that appeared. All could tell it was a force field by the completely gratuitous special effect it produced when someone ran into it, not knowing it was a really powerful force field. Manny and Bryant could not get in, Rad could not get out. "We can't get in, and you can't get out!" Bryant Gumbel said. "Like, I've been told that already, dude," Rad replied. "Greetings, sir," a short guy who looked amazingly like Herb Villachez said. "Would you walk this way, please? Mr. Scott is most anxious to see you." The short dude then waddled off. Sighing, Rad imitated his waddle and followed him into the darkness. Soon, Rad and the evil Willard Scott were standing face to face. "Surrender, base dude of, like, most heinous deeds," Rad said, in what he imagined to be a most effective, or at least intelligible, ultimatum. Willard growled evilly, as usual. "You fool! How can you hope to stand against me, the man who controls the power of earth, wind, and fire?" Rad, confused, looked around for Phillip Bailey. He was nowhere to be seen. "No, no, you dolt," Willard growled. "Not THAT Earth, Wind, and Fire." I'm talking about the ability to control the surface of the earth, the very air around us, and the flame that burns all." "In other words," Rad said, confused, "You're going to blow burning mud at me?" "Well, yes, that basically sums it up, I guess." "Well, no problem, dude. My, like, really keen cycle connectic blasts will flatten you in no time. That way, I can, like, defeat your evil plans for controlling the Earth's weather patterns." "Rad, listen to me," Willard Scott growled, a malific glint gleaning in his eye. "There is much that you don't know. Like what happened to your father." "He, like, died, dude," Rad said. Everybody knew that, he thought. "No, Joseph," Willard replied. "I AM YOUR FATHER!" ------------------------------------------ The car that had followed Rad and company was parked outside the gymnasium. The occupants were about to get out of the car when they noticed a large number of ninja death commandos closing in on and entering the gymnasium. "Is that Jane Pauly?" one of them asked breathlessly. "Why is she leading a ninja death commando squad?" All the commandos entered the gymnasium. The world outside was quiet. "Is our Raddy cheating on us already?" the other asked. IS WILLARD SCOTT REALLY RAD'S FATHER? WILL RAD TAKE THE NEWS BETTER THAN LUKE DID? WILL WILLARD EXHORT RAD TO COME TO THE DARK SIDE OF METEOROLOGY? WHY ARE JANE PAULY'S NINJA DEATH COMMANDOS ENTERING THE GYM? SINCE WHEN DID JANE PAULY GET NINJA DEATH COMMANDOS? WILL THE GREENSLIMY ALIENS DO ANYTHING, OR WILL THEY SIT UP THERE IN SPACE LIKE DIPS? WHAT SORT OF NONSENSE IS DAN QUAYLE AND DR. GIGAWATT PLANNING? WHY DOES THE AUTHOR REFUSE TO IDENTIFY THE WELL-STACKED YET VERY DEMENTED PSYCHOPATHS FOLLOWING RAD, WHEN HE ALREADY NAMED THEM IN THE PREVIOUS EPISODE? ALL THIS, AND CHEESE DIP FOR SURE THIS TIME, IN AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY!! Acknowledge-To: <34EPWQL@CMUVM ========================================================================= Rad #6: "Caveat Meteorolator" (Let the Meteorologist Beware) by Gary W. Olson When we last left our insipid...uh...intrepid hero Rad, he was confronting his villainous archenemy Willard Scott. The diabolical weatherman had just revealed that he was Rad's true father. "Whoah, dude," Rad said. "Major, like, misconnection here. Ma always told me that dad died when I was one." "What did she say happened?" Willard growled. "Uh, hit by a slow blimp, I think," Rad replied. "You insipid (though very well tanned, I must admit) dolt!" Willard growled loudly. "Nobody dies from getting hit by a slow blimp!" Rad pondered this for a moment. Comprehension once again reared its ugly fanged head and burrowed through his brain layers. "Well, ok, dude," he said. "Do you have, like, proof?" "Proof?" Willard growled in consternation. "My name's on your birth certificate!" At this, Rad pulled a copy of his birth certificate out of his suit and looked at it. In case your wondering, he keeps it around in case he meets any wandering buddists who want to prove he doesn't exist. Of course, they reply by saying that the certificate doesn't exist, which annoy's Rad into blasting them into the next county, thus proving to both sides that the other doesn't exist by reason of their sudden disappearance. It all makes sense to them. Really, it does. "Well, dude," Rad said, "Looks like you're right. Like, this is a most excellent revelation, my diabolical dad." "Huh?" Willard asked. He was expecting Rad to say "nooooo! It can't be!" and then hurl himself down the exhaust shaft so he could cling to the weather vane and wait for the Millenium Falcon to help him. Of course, since there was no exhaust shaft, only a concrete floor, Rad would have knocked himself unconscious, allowing him to dispose of Rad easily. This made sense to him. Really, it did. "Why?" he followed up his clever preceding question. "Like, dude, y'know, like, how you superstar TV people have, like, lots of, like, money? Well, if I capture you and get you, like, sent off to, like, prison, I'll, like, become executor of your estate." "But I don't have any money left! I spent it all building this giant supercomputer with the help of Dr. Gigawatt. And now he's abandoned me. I'm broke. The only allies I have left are the faction of Greenslimy Aliens in orbit that are willing to help me. They're all on that ship on the screen there." A huge bolt of energy rushed into the picture and slammed into the Greenslimy Alien ship, totally obliterizing it. On an adjoining weather map of the United States, the weather in California immediately began clearing up and going back to nice, sunny, youbetchalotsa tanning weather. The weather of the rest of the United States was clearing up as well. "AAAAGHHHHHHRRRRHHH!" Willard growled. "Like, narrating dude, what happened?" Well, Rad, some energy source from Earth has been systematically obliterizing the Greenslimy Alien fleet for a while now. Willard was control- ling the weather with the help of the Greenslimy aliens aboard the ship we just saw go down the cosmic toilet bowl. Without that ship's help, he can't control the weather. "Oh, wow, dude," Rad said. "That is most excellent news for the beach- goers in California. What happened, pop? Isn't, like, your computer good anymore?" "No it isn't!" Willard growled. "Without the help of my gelatonous allies, the computer is just twenty Commodore Vic 20's linked in tandem!" This news caused much confusion among those in the know in the computer field, who were expecting Atari 2600's. The merry reunion was interrupted by twenty-four ninja death commandos bursting into the room, being led by a black-robed Jane Pauly. Since the room was quite small and ninjas like to carry lots of sharp things, a few people lost some blood, but nobody integral to the plot. "Like, where's Manny?" Rad asked the sinister-looking people who were carrying lots of sharp things and were bleeding here and there. These people ignored him and stared directly at Willard Scott. He backed away, growling. Suddenly, sparks lept from the computer. Rad saw Manny, chewing on some computer cables. Apparantly, he was still feeling nervous after having overdosed on hyper-caffeine. Bryant Gumbel was being guarded by four ninjas, one for him and three for his ego. "So, like," Rad asked, weakly, "does everybody here go to the same tailor, or what?" ------------------------------------------- Dr. Gigawatt worked furiously on the time machine that would allow for the recollection of the precisely 2,391 George Bush's that were still loose in the nation. Already, two thirds of the Bush's had been captured by conventional means, and were being kept in the macho town of Hogville, the "pork rind capital of the world." Not coincidentally, that was where Dr. Gigawatt was too. He paused and relaxed just as Dan Quayle sneaked up behind him and yelled "Boo!" "Yaaa!" Dr. Gigawatt cried out. "Whaddaya hava to do dat for?" he said in a stock Jersey accent. "You should know I'ma woikin with verya sensative equipmenta here." "I know, Doc," Dan said, giggling slightly, "But I just wanted to see how everything was going. Once we gather all the George Bush's, we can figure out which one is the real one, so he can be President again, so I can be vice-prez again, and can devote my attention to running that commission on superhero registration again." "Und you vill not haff to make important decision?" Dr. Gigawatt asked in a stock Chinese accent. "I vill vork double time to see thees happen." A guard handed Dan a page of paper. Dan looked at the soldier question- ingly. Sighing, the soldier took the page back and read it to Dan. "Scuttlebutt has it, sir, that there has been a large number of sightings of George Bush disappearing into interdimensional rifts." Seeing that Dan was just not comprehending this, Dr. Gigawatt stepped in. "Thank you, soldier. And thank that Scuttlebutt fellow while you're at it." "Uh, yes, sir." The soldier left. "Well, pilgrim," Dr. Gigawatt said in a stock John Wayne accent, "It's proof that my time machine will be successful. We're already seeing the positive results as large numbers of Bush's are being pulled from the past, which is now, to the future, which will be the present when we get around to pulling George Bushs from the past." Dan still didn't understand but was glad that someone apparantly did. "Even better, m'sieur," Gigawatt said in a stock French accent, "With these coordinates of where and'a when the Bushs in question vere taken, we can program ze machine here to open portals at zose time-space coordinates zo we can take the George Bushs! Ah, time travel is zo wonderful!" Dan left at around this point. Big words made his head hurt. He decided to call the C.U.A. (Guess what the U stands for...c'mon...guess...) He needed to "recruit" an unregistered superhero to do the dirty work of actually pulling each George Bush through the dimensional rift. And he had an exact idea of which hero he wanted.... ------------------------------------------- Rad, Manny, and Bryant guided Willard Scott and his minute henchman Herb Villachez out of the gym on the outskirts of Gothopolis. He was surprised to see a rather ugly man zooming into the upper atmosphere at tremendous velocity. At that rate, the guy would likely zip into space. In case you're wondering about what happened to Jane Pauly's ninja death commandos, they were just in the area looking for Deborah Norville's home address. They should be hacking her up into little pieces by now, I should think. Just then, a dairy truck turned the corner and trundled down the street. "Psychaitrist dairies!" Rad flagged the truck down. "Well then," Eric Idle said, stepping down from his dairy truck. "What seems to be the problem? Ah, I see, you've got somebody who's been exposed to the sun for far too long. Probably suffering from delusions of seeing George Bush slipping through a rift in the fabric of space and time, I'd say. I've seen it twice today myself." Rad would have protested, but then he *had* seen such, recently. "Ooooh, no, sir," Herb interrupted him. "My boss is the one you want." "Ah," Eric said. "Let's see," he said, examining Willard carefully. "Mmmm hmmm. Looks like a good case of megalomania, with a touch of homicidal paranoia and a minor coffee bean complex." He paused, and seemed to listen to the air. "But of course, you have to remember this is just a pat diagnosis obtained without first having examined your full medical history. Come along sir," he said charmingly, gesturing to the back of the milk truck. Soon, Willard was firmly strapped in and straitjacketed. The psychaitrist dairies truck trundled off again, delivering milk and psychiatric advice to the people of Gothopolis. After leaving Herb Villachez in the hands of the police, Bryant Gumbel left for New York again. Unfortunately, he left Rad and Manny stranded in Gothopolis. They wandered the city for hours, enjoying it even more when the dorito-like smell finally dissapated. They wondered why there was a large, m00se-shaped dent in the steel wall of a school building, but didn't bother to ask. Finally, Manny thought of something. "RAD! PULL OUT YOUR WALLET! MAYBE WE CAN GET A CAB TO NEW YORK!" I've got a question...why don't you just fly back? "Too much work, dude. Besides, I'd have to carry Manny, and he doesn't trust my attention span for some reason." "RAD! PAY ATTENTION! HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU HAVE?" "See what, like, I mean?" Rad pulled out his wallet from his suit and opened it. A C.U.A. credit card fell out. "Like, what is it, dude?" Rad asked. I just told you it was a C.U.A. credit card. "Oh, yah." Rad noticed that there was a post-it note on the back of the card. He peeled it off and read it. "Around now, dude" (the text read) "you will be wandering around Gothopolis flat broke. This here is Dan Quayle's C.U.A. credit card. Feel free to, like, charge whatever you want to it. With, like, the intricacies of time travel, he, like, can't catch you, because, technically, it hasn't even been taken yet. Good luck! Rad. p.s. Cheese Dip." "THAT'S COOL!" Manny yelled, at more decibels than per usual. You must have given this to yourself when you met yourself on the wing of the UAL jetliner!" That was back in episode two for any of you out there who are by now totally confused. So, they bought a very expensive Lambourghini with a most excellent sun roof. They stopped, breifly, in New York to pick up Rad's portable tanning booth and the rest of their stuff, mooned George Steinbrenner as he walked by, and took off for the sunrise, intent on taking the scenic route back to California. Behind them, a car followed. Key and Yury, the two amazingly beautiful yet homicidally psychopathic women whom Rad met after he saved the UAL jetliner in episode 4, followed, giggling to themselves. "We love him!" Key cood, sharpening her bowie knife. "Which means we have to kill him to keep him!" Yury replied, caressing her rawhide whip as she drove. WHAT DEMENTED AND POSSIBLY KINKY THINGS DO THESE WOMEN HAVE IN STORE FOR OUR WELL-TANNED HERO? WILL THIS STUFF ABOUT TIME-TRAVELING AND THE GEORGE BUSHES DISAPPEARING MAKE MORE SENSE ONCE THE TIME-TRAVEL STORYLINE ACTUALLY STARTS? WILL NBC HAVE TO FIND A REPLACEMENT FOR DEBORAH NORVILLE? WHAT IS A MENDICANT? WAS THAT LINE ABOUT CHEESE DIP MERELY AN ATTEMPT BY THIS NARRATOR TO VALIDATE THE USE OF CHEESE DIP IN THE QUESTIONS AT THE END OF EPISODE 5? WATCH FOR THE ANSWERS AND THE RETURN OF MAX VAX IN THREE WEEKS AFTER I GET BACK FROM BREAK FOR THE NEXT...SUPERGUY! Acknowledge-To: <34EPWQL@CMUVM> ========================================================================= RAD #7: "Hey, Wait For Me, Dudes!" by Gary W. Olson Joseph Moroboshi, better known as Rad, the hero with a tan of epic proportions, slept soundly. He dreamed of, as one might expect from one who is dedicated to the furtherance of things truly Californian, tofu, hot babes, and working on his astonishingly impeccable tan. Someone from, say Michigan, would fall to his knees like a babbling idiot after two minutes of this, but Rad, being the epitome of Californian life, only expected it. As he woke up, he became conscious of two things -- he had left the television on. Bryant Gumbel was reporting that not only was Jane Pauly gone, but so was Deborah Norville (hacked to pieces) and Willard Scott (given to the psychiatric dairies). Bryant was obviously pleased by this, since it meant he had the camera all to himself. The other thing Rad noticed was that a body was lying on top of him. A living body. A living human body. Rad was wary. Manny had been complaining about being lonely again. He opened his eyelids a crack, but only saw the voluptuous yet violently deranged Yury, whom he met in episode 4, lying there, wearing next to nothing. Rad breathed a sigh of relief and went back to sleep. Two seconds later, his eyes sprang open. Yury, while she had a body that made strong men weak, was also a homicidal psychopath. Friends, these two qualities, while they may indicate diversity and well-roundedness, simply do not mix. Rad tried his best to scoot out from under her. He had almost succeeded when she yawned and woke up. "Oh, hi Rad," she said offhandedly. "Sleep well?" "Like, yah," Rad said, frightened half out of his meager wits but never- theless getting the right answer (a sensation familiar to him from his college days). "Like, ah..." "Yury." "Yury, ah, like, how did you get in. Like, y'know, the door was locked, y'know?" Yury pointed to the chair by the door, where a large battle axe rested. The door itself was in splinters, which, all things considered, was something of an improvement. Motels in Ohio were not the world's best. "So, like, why are you, y'know, in presence here?" Rad asked, pulling on his blue jean cutoffs. In answer to that, Yury threw off what little she was wearing, leaving nothing to the imagination. Logistically, this worked out as Rad doesn't have much of an imagination. Rad knew that he should blast her into the next state because she'd probably try to kill him, but at that particular moment, his lower organs took charge. Now, it must be admitted that his brain only had a lassiez- faire type rule over his body at best, but now the lower organs were firmly in charge. So he simply stood and gawked. Yury threw herself at him, toppling them both on the bed. Rad was about to decide she wasn't really psycho after all (basically because she had the - ahem - good taste to be attracted to him) when he noticed that he was being choked by some chokewire from behind. He grasped for breath...uh, I mean gasped for breast...well, some of both, really... "Key!" Yury said to her redheaded compatriot. "What are you doing?" "Strangling him!" Key said with a delightful lilt in her voice. "I bet my Raddy is loving every minute of it!" "YOU'RE RADDY? Hold on just a minute!" Yury shouted, whipping out a length of chain and swinging it at Key. The arguement proceeded for several minutes before they came to a startlingly perceptive realization. "Say," they said in unison. "Where did Rad go?" -------------------------------------------- In the confusion, Rad slipped out from under them both, put on the rest of his clothes (a raggish "Rolling Stones" shirt and a Cal Tech sweatband), took a shower, brushed his teeth, picked up his sidekick extraordinaire Manny Seconds from the next room, zipped over to McDonalds for breakfast, stopped by the nearby drugstore to pick up more tanning lotion and to play the Lotto, and set out on the highway again. A sign read "Akron, Ohio 10 miles". "OH, YES, RIGHT, JOE," Manny snarled in the hyper-caffeine induced state that he had set into back in episode four. "WHY DO YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT TWO WOMEN THREW THEMSELVES AT YOU AND TRIED TO KILL YOU AT THE SAME TIME?" "Like, dude," Rad said, from the drivers seat. "You believed me, like, when I said I could get some Stevie Ray Vaughn/Jeff Beck concert tickets." "WELL, YES," Manny said, crumpling another portion of the windshield of the lambourghini. "BUT THAT WAS ONLY BECAUSE..." Manny, having found he could not think of an appropriate punchline for this particular conversation, fell asleep. Apparantly, hyper-caffeine fades fast. Minutes later, Rad spotted a wreck on the side of the road. He recognized the figure therein. "Hey!" he said. "It's Max Vax!" "The figure was sprawled in his armor amid the rubble that may at one time have been a pinto. It groaned. Max Vax had been a hero of Rad's ever since he had repulsed the invasion of the icky aliens from Pluto. Rad wondered what had caused such a mess. "What happened, dude?" "It was horrible," Max Vax said as he staggered to his feet. "A horde of George Bushs trampled me and my pinto, as they were converging to Akron. We've got to stop them!" "You okay?" "Yes, I'm fine. Let's go!" "Like, ok." Rad drove off. He returned briefly to pick up Max Vax, and tore off again. WILL THEY BE IN TIME FOR CROSSOVER-MANIA? WILL THEY BE SPONSORED BY THE WWF? WILL KEY AND YURY CATCH UP IN TIME? WHAT ABOUT THAT OVERHEATING REACTOR IN PEACEFUL BROOK, I-FORGET-WHICH- STATE? CAN EVERYBODY TELL THIS IS RUSHED BECAUSE THE LAB IS CLOSING DOWN NOW? DOES 5 BILLION BUSHS MEAN THAT DR. GIGAWATT WAS A HAIR OFF IN HIS CALCULATIONS? FIND OUT IN AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! Acknowledge-To: <34EPWQL@CMUVM ========================================================================= RAD #8: "Playing Catchup" by Gary W. Olson The macho town of Hogsville, Texas, was virtually empty. Where once had roamed great herds of George Bush, there was only silence. Nevertheless, it was still a very macho town. Incredibly so. Inside a most important looking scientific type building, Dan Quayle was screaming at his aides. "How the hell can over 3000 George Bushs just up and leave here without a trace???" he ranted. "After all those months we went patiently capturing them one by one by one?" John Sununu stifled a yawn. "Apparantly, when he was split up, each George Bush got all his frequent flyer bonus miles. So they chartered a plane and left." "But where are they going?" "Preliminary reports indicate they have arrived at Akron, Ohio..." "Ok, its cool, its cool..." Dan said. "We should be able to round up 3000 George Bushs in no time. See to it." "Uh, sir," Sununu said, looking uncomfortable. "It appears that there are slightly more than 3000 George Bushs converging on Akron." "That's no problem," Quayle said confidently. "How many?" "Roughly five billion, sir." Quayle was impressed. He was even more impressed when somebody explained to him just how big five billion was. "Satellite pictures show that Akron and the immediate surrounding 50 miles are totally inundated with Bushs," Sununu told him. "Dr. Gigawatt!" Quayle yelled. He needed somebody with an I.Q. "How the hell did you underestimate the numbers of all those Bushs?" "Well, you see," Dr. Gigawatt said in a stock Reagan accent, "my assist- ants over here are the ones who actually counted them all." He gestured to the three figures in the corner. One of them was poking the second in the eyes, while grinding the third one's nose. The third one was saying something like "Wooo-woooo-wooo...wise guy, eh?" "Mr. President," Sununu interrupted. "Satellite also indicates that there is a large grouping of superheros that the legions of Bushs are closing in upon. Dangerousman, Relativity Woman, the Awesome Force, and ! have already been identified. Another figure was being focused upon, but the satellite then exploded." "I see," Quayle said, like someone pretending to understand something that was utterly beyond him, which in his case was quite true. "Also, our C.U.A. sources indicate that more heros are converging on the scene. Rad and Max Vax are almost there, and there are rumors that Superm00se may show up." Quayle looked up. "Rad! He's the unregistered hero we've been looking for to do the dirty work of pulling George Bushs through the interdimensional rifts in the time/space continuum (whatever the hell that means). Send our crack superhero-catching team of Faith & Healer to the scene at once!" Everybody saluted and left, leaving Quayle to wonder just what would happen to the world, and whether Crayola would ever come up with new crayon colors. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, Rad (our vastly tanned hero) and the armored hero Max Vax found themselves utterly surrounded by vast legions of George Bush. They were still half a mile from the city limits, but already there were Bushs for as far as the eye could see. They had left Manny Seconds sleeping in what was left of the Lambourghini in a parking garage miles back, at the edge of the George Bush event horizen. All the Bushs seemed to be converging on the center of Akron, so the two heroic individuals were wading through the vast armada of presidential material. "Like, does Dukakis, y'know, have, like, dreams like this?" Rad asked. His power of psychokinesis was holding the ever-macho mob of Bushs back. Max Vax didn't want to risk killing a President unless he had to. I mean, lets face it, he doesn't exactly have a stun setting, does he? "I dunno, do you?" Rad asked Max. Max looked up. His CACH armor was only slightly damaged, and was almost fully charged now. At the moment, he was repowering his VaxAx. "Probably, and yes, respectively," he replied. He wished he still had his VaxPax, so he could fly above this frighteningly vast, though still quite macho, horde. Pork rinds littered the ground. Max was still in the process of evaluating his newfound impromptu ally. Certainly, the degree of his tan was astounding - in fact, Rad was probably the most singularily well-tanned individual on the face of the planet. But still, he had the wits of a rutabaga. And understanding anything he said, without the assistance of his translator circuitry, was quite difficult at best. Nevertheless, he was a hero, and a nice guy to boot. Besides, it had been a while since someone was narrating his adventures. Max hefted his .357 Magnum. "All set...ah...dude. Let's go see what's up?" Off in the distance, they heard an obviously skilled guitarist going into the main bit of "Expresso Love." Theme music, always an important part of any heroic endeavor, would not be missing from this particular adventure. Rad lifted straight up, carrying Max Vax by the arms. The Bushs they left behind got increasingly angry, chanting "No Quid Pro Quo," and "I am an environmentalist." ------------------------------------------------------------------ Another adventure. Another chance to get killed. Wonderful, thought Elizabeth. She sighed and pulled on her government-approved uniform (which to her resembled a cross between a military uniform and Samantha Fox's wardrobe). She had been recruited by the task force to track down and capture unregistered superheroes a couple months ago, when they learned of her telepathic nature. They had trained her in combat tactics and many martial arts. She had taken the code name "Healer" due to her use of telepathy to "heal" the minds of the mentally deranged. Curiously, several of them had been heroes at one time, but after she had "healed" them, they had no superpowers. No one understood how or why this happened. Just then, the other half of the team came in. He was buck naked, apparantly having forgotten that he needed to wear a uniform. Liz sighed and spoke to him. "Faith," she said, "You have the power to make a spiffy looking superhero costume appear on you." And so it did. "Thanks, Liz," Faith replied. Liz stood up. The man who took the code name Faith was quite a puzzle. He had no natural superpower. What he did have was incredible gullibility. At last count, he completely accepted twenty conflicting religious and political systems as the unvarnished truth. What was so unusual about him was his power. If she, or anyone, told him he had the power to do something, he had that power. By all indications, he acquired that power simply because he believed he had it. It proved to be a major annoyance to scientists, who tend to poo-poo this kind of thing. "Come on, Gary," she said. "We've got to get to Akron immediately." "Call me Faith," he replied. "I must be known as Faith while in costume." Apparantly, this was the burning pillar of belief that now consumed him, that overturned all previous beliefs. She estimated that it would last twenty minutes. "Whatever," she said. "You have the ability to fly. Let's go." They lifted off from Hogsville and started the trek northward. ARE WE READY FOR SOME SERIOUS BUSH-BASHING OR WHAT? WHERE ARE KEY AND YURY? WHY AM I INTRODUCING STILL MORE CHARACTERS? DOES ANYONE REMEMBER MAX VAX? WILL 5 BILLION GEORGE BUSHS COMPLICATE EFFORTS BY DAN QUAYLE AND DR. GIGAWATT TO CAPTURE THEM? WILL THE TIME TRAVEL STORYLINE EVER START? WILL THE COFFEEBURRO EVER BE FOUND? HELLO? ALL THIS AND YES SO MUCH MORE ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= RAD #9: "I'm Bushed, Dudes" by Gary W. Olson (esquire) The parking garage was dark. Frightfully dark. Dark with all the vile evil that mens' souls can do. Dark with the deepest, most foul urges of humanity. Either that or the power went out again. Glum moved through the darkness, a soft illumination flowing from her outstretched right hand. Hideous shadows were cast upon the walls, including one that looked, against all logic, like the Mona Lisa on hallucinogens. Glum, for those readers without vast memories, is Rad's secretary and Significant Other, last heard from over the phone in episode 2. She had come all those vast, visually annoying miles from Los Angeles because she had not heard from Rad or Manny in several days. Homing in on the radioactive signature being given off by the tofu Manny ate the week before, she had come to this parking garage in Ohio looking for him. At last, she found the car. It was, oddly enough, a Lambourghini. Parts of the window appeared to have been broken or chewed off from the inside. She ran up to it. Slouched inside was Rad's sidekick extraordinaire Manny Seconds, snoring like a bullfrog in heat. She shook him. "Wake up, Manny," she said. Nothing. She shook him again. "Wake up!" Still nothing. Manny now sounded like a hippo with a sinus problem. Glum wouldn't wait. An electrical charge flew from her fingertips and zapped Manny. He shot up, hit the ceiling, and said something calm like "OOOoooooowaaaagalooooo!!!" Blinking, he soon realized where he was. "Hey, I'm in a parking garage," he said, making his perception roll. Well, now that we've established that, maybe we can go on with the plot, shall we? "Hey, enough editorial commentary, already," Manny said. "Who are you talking to, Manny?" Glum asked. "Oh, ah...nobody, nobody," Manny replied. "Like...ah...why are you here, Glum? Or am I back in California already?" Glum relaxed her elegantly shaped body against the Lambourghini, in a pose that would make car advertisers drool, if the windshield (and part of the door) wasn't missing. Her jet black hair flowed down almost to her waist. As always, she was wearing her tiger skin bikini, which qualified as conservative dress in California but looked out-of-place here. The only part that confused some people were the horns sticking out of her head. Now I don't mean Batman size horns, or unicorn horns. They were actually two small conical lumps that came to soft points, giving her a kind of devilish, though not evil, look. All they actually signified was her alien heritage. "No, Manny," she replied, having finally gotten a chance to answer the question. "You're in a parking garage near Akron, Ohio, which looks to be totally inundated with George Bushes." "Oh." he replied. Seconds later, he followed that up with a witty "huh?" "There are billions of George Bushes converging on Akron, Ohio...Manny, what's going on??" Manny then proceeded to tell her how Rad defeated the evil Willard Scott and his henchmen, and how a stray hyper-caffeine coffee bean had kept him awake for weeks. He told her about the mysterious C.U.A. credit card with the note Rad found in his wallet, and the mysterious "future Rad" that Rad had met while flying to New York. He told her about deciding to take the scenic route home. He did NOT tell her about Rad's fanciful tale about Key and Yury. "...and then, I suddenly fell asleep," Manny finished. "And here I am." "So where's Rad?" Glum asked. "Probably fighting the hordes of Bushes you mentioned." "Gasp!" she gasped. "We have to go help him!" "We?" Manny asked. "Why..." Glum ignored him and dove past him into the driver's seat. She revved the motor and zoomed off. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Rad, despite his best efforts, was losing altitude. In an effort to soar above the vast legions of presidential material, he and Max Vax did lift off. What Rad did not count on, though, was how damn heavy Max's VaxSlax and CACH armor were. True, he had lifted heavier, but a storm seemed to be brewing. Already the sun had been cut off, lowering Rad's morale significantly. They bowled into a particularly dense clump of Bushes and crashed into what was once an adult book store. The Bushes were tearing apart the morally illicit materials, being sure to dispose of the pieces in designated waste containers. Rad became incensed. "Hey, most heinous presidential replicas!" he bellowed. "That's quality stuff you're, like, destroying, so, like, don't do it, y'know?" Now it should be explained here that the material being destroyed *was* morally illicit, from traditional societal standards. Rhetoric Man would be more harsh with it if he wasn't busy being dead at the moment. However, it should be remembered that Rad stands for *Californian* morals and ideals. The ideal in question that he was standing for was the promotion and promulgation of procreation, or the Hedonistic Credo, which basically encourages sex whereever and whenever possible. Rad is a truly principled Californian. Max Vax wondered what all the fuss was about. The Bushes, while they didn't get the exact translation on Rad's state- ment, but they generally came to realize it wasn't friendly. They attacked. Sideswiping one Bush, Rad gave a cool-looking haymaker to another, while blasting a third into the distance. He was about to do more when a large battle axe went whipping by his skull, embedding itself in a very revealing picture of Laural Canyon. He turned around to see a bright, ruby-red dagger coming at him, along with it's owner, the sensuous but violently deranged Key. Her bright red hair looked pale in the gathering gloom. She was screaming something frightful. "Something frightfullllll!!!!" she screamed as Rad ducked and Key sailed over him and into a bush (a bush with a small b, meaning the vegetation kind, not the big B Bush, meaning the presidential kind). As Rad ducked, he felt a hand grab the front of his raggish (and still wet, from that morning's shower) Rolling Stones tee-shirt and pull him roughly to the ground. Yury, her night-black hair spread out on the concrete floor, mashed her lips on his, causing all the synapses in his brain to fire simultaneously. To say it was a good kiss would be like saying Panamanians were a trifle annoyed with Manual Noriega - an understatement of vast proportions, to be sure. Max Vax lifted Rad off of Yury, just in time to save him from being clubbed with a mace by her. "Don't worry, I'll save you," he said in a smug, super-hero type voice. "But I don't wanna be saved," Rad complained, not having seen the mace and how hideously pointy it was. There was no more time for more of this amusing banter. The hordes of Bushes were pushing their way in again. Rad blasted them away as fast as he could, but more always appeared to take their place. Max Vax, just a few meters away, was seeing the same. All of a sudden, all the Bushes for a half-mile around them vanished, seeming to simply blink out of existance. That seemed odd, thought Rad. Max seemed to think so too. Key thought revenge. Yury thought things that can't be mentioned here. Two figures descended to the ground. One, female with light auburn hair, was wearing a costume that seemed to be a cross between a military uniform and Samantha Fox's wardrobe. The other was wearing a spiffy looking super hero outfit that he had obviously made himself. "Rad!" the female one called out. "Identify yourself!" "Like, yo, babe," Rad replied, pointing to himself. "This is, like, me." "Hello," she said, in a warmer voice. "I am known as Healer, a member of the government task force to register unregistered superheros. This is my associate, Faith," she said, pointing to the spiffy looking one. "We're here to take you to Hogsville to meet with acting President Quayle. He has an important assignment for you." "Like, I thought that, like, Reagan was the acting President," Rad said. Healer slapped her palm against her face, in her now-famous 'why me?' pose. "Anyway," Rad said, continuing. "I'm kinda busy here...like, could we talk later?" "Irrelevant," the large, looming one the lady had called Faith said. "You must come with us. Your presence is demanded," his eyes seemed to show with religious ferver, as they always did when he Believed something. "What did you do with the Bushes?" Max asked. "Faith teleported them a couple miles away. There are too many Bushes for Faith to teleport completely away, but he can buy us a little time. Already the small circle of Bushes cleared was growing smaller rapidly. "Whatever, you can't take me, like, until I'm, like, done here," Rad declared. "We can't take him until he's done here, Healer," Faith said. She groaned. Sometimes having the most gullible person on the planet for a teammate could be a bit aggrevating. "Yes we can, Faith," she argued back. "Now teleport us all out of here and lets go." Faith, completely confused by all this, was completely unwary as Yury jumped up from the ground and onto his shoulders. She told him he had cooties all over and then stuffed paper shavings from the illicit magazines in his ears. She jumped off as Faith staggered back and forth. Healer grimaced. Faith was not exactly being an asset today. But then she had her own problems to deal with, as she was struck with the violent delusion of Key and Yury. Non-psychic humans perceive delusion as, well, a delusion, something not real. Psychics, such as Healer, on the other hand, could feel the madness welling up from the core of the brain. Unless they were well trained, they themselves could go mad. Fortunately, Healer was well trained. She could withstand their madness, subliminate it inside her. Doing so, she noticed something. The madness was not natural. In fact, it seemed to be artificially induced... "Hey wait!" she called out to Yury, who was trying to pelt Rad with Ninja Death Commando flying stars (now available from Jane Pauly Ninja Death Commando Enterprises, just $4.95 each, plus $1 shipping). "I can help you undo your maddness...wauuugh!" If the "wauuugh!" looks a little out of place there, its because Healer was suddenly choked from behind by a long string of chokewire being held by the red-haired Key. Rad was about to rescue healer. Kidnapper or no, he couldn't let her be strangled. Suddenly, like a great tidal wave, the George Bushes washed through the battlefield. Instantly, Key, Yury, Faith, and Healer had been swept away. Rad managed to shield Max Vax, but could not help the others. The clouds billowed angry now. Rad and Max Vax started attacking the Bushes again. The struggle had only begun. WILL RAD AND MAX VAX SURVIVE? WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO KEY, YURY, FAITH, AND HEALER? DOES FAITH REALLY HAVE COOTIES, OR DOES HE JUST THINK HE DOES? WILL GLUM AND MANNY RESCUE RAD OR ANY OF THE OTHERS? WHAT IS GLUM'S ALIEN HERITAGE? WHY IS IT ALL OF THE WOMEN IN THIS STORYLINE DON'T WEAR A LOT OF CLOTHING? WHO WILL WIN BUD BOWL II? All this and the quicker-picker-upper in an upcoming...SuperGuy! Acknowledge-To: <34EPWQL@CMUVM ========================================================================= [If you haven't read the amazing mega-crossover yet, do it because it tells just what Rad and Max Vax did during the battle, and featured more of the hilarious hi-jinks this feature is famous for. When you get done, you'll be ready to read this. Trust me. -- author] RAD #10: "The Voyage Home" by Gary W. Olson (in a white wine sauce...) Dan Quayle was a happy man these days. Not only was Dr. Gigawatt's time travel machine almost fully functional, but the local Perry's had just received their shipment of the new "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" coloring books. He had been given a start when he had been informed that he had banned dramatic fanfares during the time he couldn't remember anything. But he rebounded quickly by re-legalizing them. He walked into the main housing complex for the machine. It was complex, much more complex than the Erector sets Dan had proposed using when he first thought of the idea. A dramatic fanfare blared, causing Dr. Gigawatt to jump. "Ach!" he said in a stock Austrian accent. "Do you haff to haf zose verdammt dramatic fanfares everyvhere you go?" The entire Hogsville staff had rapidly started wishing that Dan would ban dramatic fanfares again, since he seemed to insist on them wherever he went. "Sorry, doc," Dan replied. "How's work going?" "I'm fin'shed, hyuck," Dr. Gigawatt answered in a stock hillbilly accent. "All I'a needs now is that thar heroic feller yer boys are gettin, ah, what's his name, thar..." "Rad." "Yesss," Dr. Gigawatt said in a stock James Earl Jones accent. "That'ss the one." John Sununu rushed into the room. (Dramatic fanfare). "More dramatic fanfares???" Dr. Gigawatt said in a stock midwestern accent. "Why, I..." "Don't look at me," Sununu replied. "It's his idea." Quayle grinned sheepishly. "Anyway," Sununu said, continuing, "I've gotten a report from our agents, Faith and Healer. It appears that they have lost their quarry." "What??" Dan Quayle said. "What??" Dr. Gigawatt said in a stock Dan Quayle accent. The stereo effect was beyond belief. "Apparantly, they were separated from him by the vast legion of George Bushes. By the time they all disappeared, Rad was nowhere to be seen, although he is assumed to be alive. They are going to California to await his arrival there." "Back up a minute," Quayle said. "Did you say the Bushes all *dis- sappeared?* Poof?" "Well, not poof per se, Mr. President. Witnesses reported a feeling that an arm with a tan of truly epic proportions was reaching out. Then, the Bushes disappeared into a rift in the space-time continuum, according to our satellites." Quayle looked again at Dr. Gigawatt. "This is incredible!" he said in a stock Madison Avenue accent. "Big boffo ratings redux for the new improved time machine. It means that somehow we must have nabbed that whole horde, babe." Quayle wasn't too sure he understood this, but for a change, this was all right. Nobody really understands what Madison Avenue types are saying any- ways. Dr. Gigawatt eyed his time machine. He didn't notice when Quayle left (although he did note with grating teeth dramatic fanfares all down the hall). Somehow, he mused, the machine would accomplish this, even though it was not designed for it. He gazed at the center of the machine, its heart. It's advanced circuitry had made the time machine possible. He wondered who made it, and how Dan Quayle had come to acquire it. Most of all, he wondered why it was inscribed with the word "Starblazer." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Rad's head was spinning. The night before, after the Bushes had mysteriously disappeared, and Scary Woman had been sent back to the Scary dimension, and Wonder Grunion had been brought back, and peace and order had more or less been restored, all the heroes had gone bowling. Rad wondered idly whether his bowling ball had achieved orbit yet. His head throbbed with one hell of a hangover. On top of that, his head was spinning. He opened his eyes to see the floor spinning beneath him. He seemed to be a good several meters above the ground. Seconds later, he realized why. His head wasn't spinning, he was strewn out on one of those big ceiling fans that you always see in bowling alleys. He saw the other heroes in various states of comatose sleeping and painful hangover as they breezed by his line of sight. He winced everytime a particularly nasty throb cracked his brain -- that must have been some helluva party. He reminded himself to tell Glum to tape the network news for him. Anything this good probably made the top story. It occured to him that the particularly nasty throbs cracking his brain were not, in fact, part of his headache (although he did have a painful head- ache, believe me). In fact, it seemed that someone was striking his head everytime he completed one revolution. "Glum!" She was hovering at ceiling lamp level, giving his noggin a little bump each time it flew by. Of course, it felt a lot worse to Joe. Most painful, in fact. "Well, darling, you're finally awake," she said innocently. "How did you ever get up here?" "Don't call me darling," Rad mumbled. The last thing he could remember was when they decided to roll empty kegs down the alleys instead of bowling balls. No one seemed to know whose idea it was, but everyone seemed to like it, even the owner, who had taken out dozens of major insurance policies on the place the instant he had seen the heroes walking towards his establishment. Joe decided to levitate off the ceiling lamp. What actually happened was that he kind of slid off and fell into a massive pile of "Michelob" cans that were below him. A large amount of money changed hands among those who were awake, as this particular occurance had been the subject of a number of bets. Manny Seconds, who had been watching from ground level, suppressed a laugh as Rad poked his head out from under the cans. "Hey!" Rad said. "I had, like, wondered where, y'know, the Wonder Grunion dude had, like, disappeared to, like, halfway during the party. He's, like, under all these cans." "C'mon, darling," Glum said, floating down to ground level. "The world's been saved. It's time to go home." "Like, yah, babe," Rad said, getting groggily to his feet. "Where's Max?" He saw a heroic looking person standing next to a suit of armor which was plugged into the only working electrical outlet. "Hey, Max!" Everyone who was awake turned and said "Ssssssh! Owww, my poor head!" in perfect unison. "Hey...er...dude," Max replied as Rad, Glum and Manny approached. "How's the head?" "In pain, dude, in pain. Are you, like, almost ready to go, like, y'know, to California?" "Yeah...just give me a few more seconds to charge this puppy up." "Who's that, dude?" Manny asked. "And why are we giving him a lift to California?" "That's, like, Max Vax, dude," Rad replied. "He's, like, the dude who defeated the most truly heinous invasion of the icky, like, green alien dudes from, like, Pluto." "No way!" "Way!" "No way, Rad!" "Way, dude! Anyway, his armor doesn't, like, have any flight power, like y'know. So, like, he has to, like, hitch a ride to California, dude, so he can be reunited with his, like, fiancee." Joe wandered around what was left of the Ten Pin Bowling Alley and 300 Club Bar, talking with everyone who was conscious. He congratulated Dangerousman and Relativity Woman on their upcoming wedding. He congratulated T on his impressive guitar solo. He chatted amiably with Superm00se and Silicon. Andy Awesome and Qwyntor seemed to look at him funny. Surely they didn't think *I* had anything to do with the disappearance of the Bushes, Joe thought. I mean, just because the arm happened to be amazingly well- tanned.... "Like, dude, I know what I'm thinking, like, y'know?" I know that and you know that. It's just that the audience doesn't know what you are thinking. "Oh." "Who are you talking to, Rad?" the Skids/Cookie gestalt asked. "Oh...ah...like...nobody, nobody," Rad said, his cheeks suddenly flushed. Glum rescued him. She walked up to him, took his arm, and started leading him to the gaping hole that had once been the west wall. The only thing that still stood there were the glass doors, all amazingly intact. As she walked by, the sight of her exquisite figure wearing only a tiger-skin bikini caused most of the (conscious) males to gawk like stunned fish. She took no notice. "Come on, darling" she cooed. "It's going to be 80 degrees in California tomorrow." "Ok, babe," he said. "Bye, guys!" He left to a chorus of "Bye!" "See ya!" "Whotta babe!" "Whotta tan!" "Damn, my head hurts!" "Who do you think you are, Bjorn Nittmo?" and other similar things. They decided to trade in the Lambourghini for a large van, one which had enough room for both Rad's tanning booth and Max's armor. Naturally, they charged it to Dan Quayle's C.U.A. credit card, which Rad had acquired in episode 6. It was evening by the time they reached Utah. Manny was driving, while Max Vax slept in the passenger seat, clutching a picture of his fiance in one hand and a "Computer Shopper" mail order catalog in the next. "Radar Love" bellowed out of the stereo quietly. Rad was stretched out in the back seat, his back against the wall. Glum rested her head against his chest. They were so cozy it was nauseating. "You met another you, darling?" she asked. "Mmmm-hmmmm," Joe replied. He proceeded to tell her basically the same story Manny told her in episode 9, about their adventures. He didn't say anything about the erotic yet homicidal Key and Yury. Let's face it, Rad may be dense, but he isn't *that* stupid. "Oh, darling, you have such romantic adventures," Glum said. "Don't call me darling," Joe said. The tune on the radio changed to "I'll Run You Over With My Truck (Because I Love You)," by Rad's favorite band, Walking Disaster Area. "Darling," Glum chimed, delighted. "It's our song!" She pulled the front portion of Rad's long, blond, moppish hair forward, meeting him around the lips area. It went that way for most of the night. They were so nauseatingly cozy they didn't notice the presence of two others aboard the van. Key whispered to Yury "He's cheating on us again." "Don't worry," Yury grinned, hefting her rawhide whip. "I'll teach him the error of his ways...yawn...after my beauty sleep." "Beauty sleep? I laugh..." Key giggled, silently. Soon, they were both asleep. WHAT WILL KEY AND YURY DO? WILL RAD REALLY MIND? WILL THEY BE ABLE TO DO IT BEFORE FAITH AND HEALER DO WHATEVER THEY ARE PLOTTING FOR RAD WHEN HE GETS BACK? WILL THE PEOPLE IN HOGSVILLE GET SICK OF DRAMATIC FANFARES? WILL DR. GIGAWATT EVER HAVE TO DO THE SAME STOCK ACCENT TWICE? SHOULD THE AUTHOR THINK UP SOME BETTER RUNNING JOKES? IS THE AUTHOR SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE WHEN HE DESCRIBES WAKING UP ON A CEILING FAN? ALL THIS AND THE VENTURA FREEWAY ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY ========================================================================= RAD #11: "Psychotic? Us?" by Gary W. Olson (vete al infierno) In a hospital in Detroit, Michigan, a man woke from his coma. Not just any man, mind you, but a very special man. (What, you think we'd let ordinary shmucks like yourself get into this storyline? Ho, ho, think again, buddy!) He looked around the room in some understandable confusion. Finally, he summoned the wits to press the nurse-summoning button. Nurse Buxley arrived quickly. She seemed very surprised to see him out of his coma. "I'm surprised to see you out of your coma. I'll call the doctor so he can run some tests." "Miss," he said, "Do you know where my robot went?" "Great," she said as she went out the door. "Why is it that I get all the loonies?" ---------------------------------------------------------------- Rad and Glum awoke to bursts of sporadic gunfire. Bullets ripped through the side of the van and through the other, just inches above Rad's nose. He became somewhat concerned. "What's the deal, dude?" he asked Max. "It's like we've driven into a war zone...ah...dude," Max replied. "Some nut in every car is shooting a gun!" Rad became very excited by this news. "Hey, dude!" he shouted, shaking the inert form of Manny Seconds, his sidekick extraordinaire, who was in the passenger seat. "We're home!" Max Vax was extremely confused, but didn't have time to say anything as he swerved to avoid an uzi's bullets. "He hasn't been on the L.A. freeways, has he?" Manny asked, looking at Max, who seemed to be somewhat confused as to just what to do about all this. "Don't worry, dude," Rad assured Max. "The freeways here are like this all the time. Relax, have fun." Rad then used his psychokinetic blasts to tear open a sunroof in the van. The fresh, warm air breezed past all of them. Rad grabbed Max's .357 Magnum and playfully squeezed off a couple of shots at the car trying to pass the van on the right. He was having so much fun he almost didn't notice the granny in the Oldsmobile Cutlass coming up from the left, aiming her rocket launcher. He saw her and lept out of the van, flying several meters above it. The rocket streaked beneath him. Key, who was hiding in the back of the van, behind Rad's tanning booth, seemed somewhat confused about what was going on. "Sound's like a war zone," she said. Yury seemed to agree, or at least she made a grunting noise that Key took for agreement. They toppled into each other as the van swerved to avoid a STINGER missile. "Dammit, Yury, you've put on weight again," Key complained. "Me?" Yury asked, angry. "You're the one whose been chowing down lately. "Huh? Why I oughta..." "Who's that back there?" a female voice asked. They both froze. Glum climbed to the back of the van. "Who's there, I said?" No answer. She slid Rad's tanning booth to the side and saw the shapely forms of Key and Yury behind it, clutching a variety of deadly weapons. "Avon calling," they said in cheerful unison. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Dan Quayle woke up in a sweat. His G.I. Joe underoos were soaked in perspiration. The nightmares had returned. This had been a pretty bad one. He sat up, fumbled for the light, and turned it on. Yellow light poured in from the oval fixture in the ceiling, on which Dan had stenciled a bat so it would look like the "Batman" logo. He grabbed the can of Choke which had been placed on his nightstand for him when he woke up and chugged it. He had had these nightmares before. They had come in small doses at first. Something was feeling him out, searching him. Then the nightmares would get worse, as he dreamt that someone or something was trying to take over his mind. Then he had a span of time in which he couldn't remember anything except the most bizarre scenes. He blamed it before on too many twinkies, but now he wasn't sure. He wasn't sure how he acquired the robot called "Star- blazer," either, but since Dr. Gigawatt needed it to make the time travel machine work, he wouldn't quibble. Perhaps Dr. Gigawatt would understand, thought Quayle. He doubted it, though. Gigawatt was a great mind, but he didn't know diddley about psycho- logy. The government therapist in Hogsville? Not a good idea. It was be- lieved that she was part of the great commie-pinko liberal media conspiracy to destabilize the U.S. and subvert it to Moscow's interests, though some contend- ed that she was not that, but a vampire. Actually, both were true, but neither concerns us for now. Sighing, Dan got up. It was probably all the problems he had been suf- fering from since he had assumed the duties of President following the disappearance of President Bush. Now that all known Bushes had disappeared somewhere into the timestream, the only remaining task was to pull them out and meld them into one, singular George Bush, so that Dan could go back to being vice-president. -------------------------------------------------- "You're stealing our Raddy!" Yury yelled as she swung her battle axe, barely missing Glum. "You see?" asked Key. "I told you we should have killed our Raddy while we had the chance. Now we've got competition." "*You're* Raddy?" Glum asked, dodging the crack of a rawhide whip. "What's going on back there?" asked Max, too preoccupied with avoiding gunfire and keeping the van steady so Manny could set up the grenade launcher. Glum let loose with an electric charge from her hands. Key and Yury lit up and sizzled a bit. "Hey!" Key, whose flame-red hair looked a bit scorched now. "That wasn't very nice!" "You'd better just watch how you talk about my darling!" Glum retorted. "*You're* darling, huh?" Key said. "We'll see about that!" She tackled Glum, sending both scantily-clad females crashing past Max and Manny onto the hood of the van. They continued to claw and fight. Max had more trouble driving, not only having to dodge heavy and light artillery fire, but being distracted by the two sexy women wearing only bikinis fighting it out on the hood of the van. Manny climbed out. "Now, now," he said. "Break it up, you two!" he said, doing his best to get between the two. They responded by simultaneously punching him, sending him flying onto the roof of the Volvo in the next lane. Yury climbed out and went after Manny. The driver of the car, one Ed McMahon, looked at them and made a mental note to remove them from his mailing list. Where was our stunningly tanned hero, Rad, you may ask? Well, he was a few cars ahead, playfully leaping from car to car and trading fisticuffs with the occupants inside. He had ripped off his raggish "Rolling Stones" t-shirt, rubbed a couple bottles of tanning lotion on, and was busy deepening his tan, as usual. He was about to leap from a supertanker onto the roof of a Chevette when someone grabbed his long, moppish blond hair and pulled him up into the sky. He looked up, and recognized the face of Faith, one of the government's agents for tracking down unregistered super-heroes. Using his psychokinetic abilities for thrust, he kicked out and swung his legs up to lock around Faith's neck. Before he could tell Faith that he was actually a penguin and couldn't fly, a boot struck him hard on his tanned face. He let go of Faith and fell a few inches before he righted himself and flew back up to look at his assailant. It was the agent known as Healer. She was wearing a sophisti- cated jetpack that allowed her some flight capabilities. "Rad!" she said. "Halt in the name of the law!" So he did. That is, he halted his movement relative to the freeway. In moments, Faith and Healer were far away, and Rad could see the van below. This was a somewhat odd sight, even for the Ventura freeway. Two semi- clad women, whom Joe recognized as Glum and Key, were fighting on the hood of the van. In the next lane, Manny was trying to avoid being filleted by Yury. Gunfire raked the highway all around. Manny's grenade launcher, left abandon- ed, was spewing out grenades into all the lanes on the right. Rad dived down to save Manny. Glum was tough enough to hold her own, but Manny had no special powers, other than that of being unfathomable. Yury's battleaxe whizzed by his nose, letting him know that she knew that he knew that she knew that he knew that she had seen her. The axe imbedded itself in Martin Short's Chrysler LeBaron, while Martin himself would later write an Oscar- winning comedy sketch based precisely on this. He grabbed Yury by the back of her half-vest and lofted her in the air. He intended to deposit her on the side of the highway where the law enforcement authorities could pick her up. She then executed a mind-boggling triple flip and landed in Rad's arms. Before he could think of anything, she was giving him another of her quite frankly mind-blowing kisses. On the van hood Glum stared at Rad and Yury in a state somewhat between disbelief and anger. She started to rise angrily up into the air, but Key pulled her back down. "I'm not finished with you yet!" Key screamed, whipping out some choke- wire. Glum kicked her expertly onto Ed McMahon's volvo, where Manny still stood in somewhat glazed confusion. Ed was wishing he had a chauffer so he could chug some Mad Dog 20-20. "Well, I am!" Glum exclaimed. She rose up in a perilous rage, her features taking on something of a reddish tinge and her horns making her look particularily vengeful. Rad, meanwhile, was trying his best to push away from Yury, but didn't seem to be having much luck. The 2000 volts that suddenly buzzed through his system seemed to do the trick. Rad saw an outraged Glum flying at attack speed toward him, and he almost dropped Yury. In fact, he did drop her, but she grabbed onto his shin and hung on. "You..." she bellowed. "YOU...." Electrical flashes crackled around her hand. "Well, ah, babe, like, well, it, like, ain't what it must've, y'know, looked like, I mean, like, y'know?" Rad's immaculate teeth showed in the sun as he smiled desperately. The glare blinded motorists coming the other way, causing a thirty-two car pileup, but since no one involved was intrinsic to the plot, we'll ignore that. "Oh yes it was!" Yury piped up cheerfully. Rad had a feeling that today simply must have been his bad karma day. Glum growled, her hands recharging to give Rad a shock in...ah...a tender region, let's say. Rad gulped. Yury further up Rad's leg. Rad gulped again. "Stop this, all of you!" a voice cried. They all turned to see Max Vax, the one who had spoken, being carried by Healer. Manny and an unconscious Key were on Faith's back, which had somehow grown to epic proportions. "Key and Yury," he said, naming the two demented ladies, "are insane." "We know that, dude," Rad said. "No," Max said. "I mean their madness is artificially induced. Healer here can help bring them back to normal." "But, like, I thought they wanted to, like, take me back to, like, Hogsville, dude. What, like, gives, y'know?" "We do," Healer said. "But we'll talk about this later. Or would you rather that Glum handle this?" Joe looked at Glum. She looked ready to really fry his tender regions. He looked down at Yury. She was snuggling up to his thigh now, and looked prepared to climb further. "Do it, dude," he said. Yury dropped unconscious. Rad and Glum each caught an arm and draped her on Faith's back. Rad looked around, and came to a stunningly perceptive realization. "Say, dude, like who's driving the van?" They all looked at each other and said "Auuuugh!" simultaneously. WILL HEALER BE ABLE TO HELP KEY AND YURY BACK TO SANITY? WILL KEY AND YURY STILL BE AS FUN IF SHE DOES? WHAT DO DAN QUAYLE'S NIGHTMARES MEAN? WHO WAS THE GUY WAKING UP FROM THE COMA? IS RAD STILL IN DANGER OF HAVING HIS TENDER REGIONS FRIED? ARE THE L.A. FREEWAYS REALLY THIS EXCITING? WILL ED MCMAHON REMOVE MANNY FROM HIS MAILING LIST? ALL THIS AND FUN WITH GROCERIES ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY ========================================================================= RAD #12: "Epilogue, Prologue" by Gary W. Olson (vhat? me vurry?) It was early afternoon by the time the motley crew made it to Rad's place. His "place," in fact, turned out to be, you guessed it, a beach house. It was strategically located on a stunningly beautiful stretch of beach just north of Los Angeles. In fact, Rad owned a number of these beach houses and stretches of beach. He rented many of them at ridiculously inflated prices to yuppies and evangelists, and of course saved some for his fellow true Californ- ians, whom he didn't charge at all. Well, hey, what did you expect? Even superheroes have to earn a living. And ripping off yuppies *is* part of the true Californian way of life. In fact, the yuppies insisted on being overcharged, so that they could brag about how expensive their property is. So, anyway, Rad was away checking up on his tenants, Manny Seconds, Rad's sidekick extraordinaire, and the government agent code-named Faith, carried the unconscious forms of the demented Key and the even more demented Yury to the two spectacularly fluffy couches that formed the apex of the living room. "Can I get you guys anything?" Manny asked, as he walked behind a bar that was inset with a tropical fish tank. The fish swam about as fish do, eating fish food and saying fish things and dreaming fish dreams and chattering about the return of Wonder Grunion. "Nothing for me, thanks," said Healer as she removed her flight helmet. Her short black hair seemed to welcome the sun. The flight helmet also dis- appeared. "Call me Elizabeth, please." "I will have a Blue Motorcycle," Faith said. "I am Gary." "Anything for you, Glum?" "Nope," Glum said. She was moping about near the doorway that led to the solarium, where Rad's plants had prospered in his absence, as usual. Manny brought out Gary's Blue Motorcycle. It had a really keen fruity umbrella in the glass. Gary looked confused. "A drink?" he asked. "A Blue Motorcycle is a drink?" Faith concentrated. The alcoholic beverage disappeared, replaced by a real motorcycle with a hot blue tint. The keen umbrella was still there, only bigger. Manny decided that he would spare himself a headache and not question this. Elizabeth moved over to where Glum was moping. "Are you okay, honey?" "Yes!" Glum snapped, frying a houseplant offhandedly with electrical bolts from her left hand. She paused. "No, I'm not." They went into the solarium. Things were green and lush here, like a bunch of sloshed Greenslimy aliens, only leafier. The sun shone brightly, a breeze wafted around the room. "Why?" Glum asked. "Why did he do this? I mean, with those two...those bimbos! Doesn't he love me anymore?" "He does," Elizabeth replied. "These two have been following him around for weeks trying to alternately kiss him and kill him, sometimes both at once. He tells the truth when he says he tried to resist their advances. Believe me, I know." Liz tapped her forehead twice, indicating her psychic powers. Glum was looking noticably less upset. Elizabeth continued. "A lot of what he defends as part of being truly Californian is considered somewhat immoral by traditional society. The Hedonistic Credo, for instance. The deep- ening of the average tan quotient for all people. Ripping off yuppies. Encouraging the proliferation of tofu stands. But he is also truly Californian in that he is a true, straightforward man. He doesn't lie, and he doesn't hurt. He may be simple, even dense, but he is good. Don't ever forget that." Glum hugged Elizabeth, and finally smiled. "Thank you," she said. They walked out to find that Max Vax had returned from taking what was left of the van to the scrapheap. There was someone with him, helping him out of his VaxSlax. "Hi, Max!" Glum said, running up to greet them. "You must be Doctor Laffalot, right? I'm Glum, Joe's SO. Max has told us so much about you!" "Call me Laura," she said. "When I had heard that Max had been caught in that awful herd of Bushes, I was afraid he'd be little more than a thousand points of filibula flatula on a road in Ohio. I'm so glad you found him." They looked over Max's new armor. Rad had given Max the C.U.A. credit card which he had found mysteriously in episode 6. With it, Max bought some all-new, state-of-the-art armor and weaponry, including a new VaxPax and CACH, along with a new disk cannon and 4000 gigabytes of online memory. It was still painted a hideous orange, for some reason. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Nurse Buxley returned with the doctor to the hospital bed where the newly recovered hospital patient was. She opened the door and was quite visibly surprised that there was no one there. A window was open, though there was seemingly no way to climb to the ground (they were on the 21st floor of the hospital). Cold wind blew through it. The doctor looked around. All the patients possessions had apparantly been taken with him, including the odd costume he had been wearing, and all the silly machinery too. Most decidedly odd. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Rad wobbled his way throught the sky on his way back home. It had been a mistake opening the window of his buddies' beach house without first getting a gas mask. The extraordinary and quite record-breaking variety of hallucino- gens that spewed forth destabilized him quite a bit. He had been visiting the tenants that were renting his beach houses, making sure everything was in excellent condition and that the occupants were behaving in the true Californian spirit. Everyone was, especially the evangel- ists, with regards to the Hedonistic credo. Rad decided to return to his home. Rad wobbled and wangled around the sky, somehow managing a controlled descent to the beach in front of his house. It was cool, heralding the coming evening. He saw Glum emerge from the front door and float over to him. He was about to babble and plead for mercy in a most decidedly un-macho fashion when she kissed him gently. "I understand," she whispered, smiling. "C'mon, Joe, let's go in." She led him by the arm. Rad floated behind, his face contorted into a number of permutations on confusion and relief, most of which had been copyrighted by Harrison Ford already. Inside the beach house, things were looking a bit spooky. The windows, all of 'em, were turned opaque, and the smell of incense and potpourri was in the air. Some classic Peter Gabriel was tumbling out of the stereo speakers, and the Bishop of East Anglia was in the corner, muttering about having been kicked out of the Annihilator's storyline. The unconscious bodies of Key and Yury rested on the center of Rad's billiards table, which had been conscripted for use in this ceremony. "Ah," said Liz. "Now we can begin. Take a seat, Rad. You too, Glum." "Like, call me Joe, like, y'know?" Rad said as he and Glum sat down. Max Vax and Laura Laffalot were seated to their left, and Faith and Healer were seated to the right. Manny and a beach babe Rad had never met before were seated opposite to him. "This guy has powers like you wouldn't believe," Manny whispered to Rad, indicating Faith. Rad wisely decided not to inquire further. "All right, everyone," said Liz, who was wearing one of Glum's long robes. "I need all your mental strength to deal with these two. Everybody hold hands, close your eyes and concentrate." They did. Several minutes passed, and the spirit of Elvis materialized above the billiards table. He looked confused. "Is this the Reagan mansion?" he asked. "Nope, sorry," Liz said nonchalantly. "Check closer to the city." "Right, thanks," Elvis replied, and disappeared. "Ignore him," Liz said. "He's always getting lost." Manny nodded sagely, for no particular reason. They concentrated again. They were getting closer to the madness, almost to the outer edge. It boiled furiously. Liz kept it from overwhelming them. They saw images of a mad scientist, holding a madness-causing weapon (how typical!). He was aiming it at them...then a blur came onto the screen, ramming the mad scientist and dislodging the weapon. It bounced on the ground twice and fired, bathing the pair in a very groovy purple light. The theme from "Dallas" echoed repeatedly inside their heads. No wonder they went mad. They could now see the form that had dislodged the gun. It was Rad! He looked at the two, at the weapon, realized just what the hell he had done, and quickly alighted. The two vowed there and then to follow him. There was no time for discussion. Quickly, they began sewing the dislod- ged filaments, mending the warped fiber. They seemed to move with infinite slowness, when in fact the entire procedure took place in the blink of an eye. Finally, when it was done, they slowly returned to their normal states. Joe blinked his eyes and opened them. The two on the table were beginning to stir, and everyone at the table was alert and ready. "Whuh...whut am I doin' here," mumbled the red-haired Key. Yury, her night-black hair somewhat disheveled, sat up. "Key...?" she asked. "Who are these people, and why do they seem so familiar?" "Take it easy," Liz answered. "You've been loopy as loons for quite a while now. We've managed to bring you back to the realm of sanity." "Last thing I remember," Yury said. "We were facing Dr. Madhatter and he was going to shoot us with his madness gun. Then...you..." she said, looking at Rad, "...flew in and dislodged the gun." "But it hit you anyway," Max said. "Yes," Key said. "But it was only a glancing shot, as opposed to a straight-on one. That's why we must have seemed so wierd, because we were alternately being ourselves and homicidal maniacs." "We're sorry about all that happened," Yury apologized. "We didn't mean to hurt any of you," she said, looking especially at Glum and Rad. "That's all right," Glum said reassuringly. "You're welcome to stay here tonight." "Now, like, what's this about, like, y'know, me rescuing them?" Rad asked. "I, like, am kinda sure, like, y'know, that I didn't do that, y'know." "It could be a result of what we are asking you to do," Liz said. "What's that, Liz?" Rad asked. "We want you to come with us to Hogsville and help us bring back George Bush," Gary added. "All of those dudes?" "Well, yes," Liz said. "We're going to meld them back into one single cohesive Bush, so he can take over his Presidency again. Many of us are worried that Dan Quayle will be forced to make an important decision. You can see how terrifying that is." Rad answered "Ok, I, like, guess I'll, like, do it." Glum volunteered to accompany him. Manny, being his sidekick, would accompany, of course. Max Vax politely declined, pointing out that he had only recently been reunited with his fiancee and besides, somebody needed to watch the beach houses anyway. The Bishop of East Anglia declined to comment. "Ok, then," Liz said. "Let's go." "Hold on, babe," Rad said. "We can, like, go tomorrow, like, y'know? I've, like, got a little business to, like, attend to." He winked at Glum. "All right," said Liz. "Tomorrow, then." They chatted the night away, slipping into a sort of fugue. Manny and the babe slipped up to his bedroom in the far side of the beach house. Liz and Gary retired to the first guest room, while Max and Laura took the second. Joe returned from the bar with a final round of drinks for himself, Glum, Key and Yury. They seemed to be whispering and giggling to each other. Something was being plotted, Joe could sense. They all stood up. "Well, Joe, we've got to get back to Japan," Yury said, advancing closer to him. He backed up slightly. "They're trouble consultants over there," Glum said, also walking closer. Rad backtracked still more. She was carrying a bag of groceries. "It is *such* a dangerous job," Key cooed, also walking closer. Rad backtracked through a doorway, realizing they were all herding him there. Suddenly, they all rushed him, causing him to spill the drinks and fall back onto the bed. Tipper Gore stomped in, slammed the door, and stomped out again. Too bad. Some of it was quite educational, especially the bits involving the groceries. The Bishop of East Anglia removed a videocassette of "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" and had a whale of a time. DOES THIS MEAN WE'RE FINALLY ABOUT TO START THE TIME-TRAVEL SAGA? WHO IS THAT GUY WHO ESCAPED FROM THE HOSPITAL? DID I EVER MENTION THAT RAD OWNS A STRING OF BEACH HOUSES? ISN'T TIPPER GORE DEAD, OR DOES THAT MATTER? WILL THEY FIND OUT THAT ELVIS TOOK THE DOUGHNUTS WITH HIM WHEN HE LEFT? WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THE BISHOP OF EAST ANGLIA? ALL THIS AND THE RETURN OF A WHOLE BUNCH OF FOLKS ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! Acknowledge-To: <34EPWQL@CMUVM ========================================================================= RAD #13: "Time-Travel Meets the Snooze Button" by Gary W. Olson (Ranma 1/2) Sunlight played through the huge windows in the ceiling of Rad's beach house, rushing over the plants in the solarium, sliding over the spectacularily fluffy couches in the living room, trying its best to avoid the tupperware dish that held last month's pasta salad (which had by now cemented itself inside and was experimenting with new forms of muzak), and generally seeming undecided about what to do with the tray of spilled drinks that lay scattered near the enterance to Rad's bedroom. The now-dry glasses were swept aside as the door opened. Key, Yury, and Glum strolled out, chattering cheerfully and glorying in the sunlight. "We really would love to stay," Yury was saying. "But we have to get back," Key finished. "Mugsy must miss us, and there's probably a solid foot of dust on everything." "Well, Joe and I are going to visit his stepparents when we visit Japan this spring," Glum assured them. "We'll be sure to visit you too." They embraced, and then Key and Yury were out the door, walking over to the cab that had came to pick them up and take them to the airport. "I can't believe he doesn't have a tan line," she heard Yury say as the door shut. Glum smiled ruefully. She re-entered the house to see Rad's sidekick extraordinaire pressing his ear against the sealed tupperware dish. He put it down as she walked in. "'Mornin," he mumbled, as he promptly turned and ran into a doorway. Mornings were not kind to Manny. He kind of richocheted back and forth through the kitchen, eventually winding up in front of the coffeemaker. In response to this thrilling development he started brewing coffee. "Mornin', Manny," Glum said. "Look out for that..." (crash) "...table." She barely noticed as Elizabeth and Gary, better known as the government unregistered superhero hunters Faith and Healer, walked downstairs. They were both in costume, and ready to go. "Hi!" Glum said. "Sleeping Beauty will be out in a minute." She turned back to writing a note to Max Vax and his fiancee Dr. Laura Laffalot, who were still sleeping upstairs. Joseph Moroboshi, better known as Rad, or Sleeping Beauty, whichever you prefer, walked out of the bedroom in a bathrobe. His hair (which was standing straight out on end) and face seemed a bit charred, and there was the occasion- al crackle of light. "Wow," he said. He bumbled around the living room, eventually falling onto and sinking into one of the spectacularily fluffy couches. Manny hauled him back to his feet. Again, he said "wow." "Is everybody ready to go?" Liz asked. Various yesses, grunts of assent, and a "wow" answered her. "Ok, Faith. You have the power of teleportation. Teleport us to Hogsville, Texas." Faith's eyes glowed with the power of Belief, and their surroundings immediately shifted. Where once stood open, airy-type beach house walls, there was the tightness of a breifing room. "Wow," Rad said, still smoking slightly. Dan Quayle, Dr. Gigawatt, and a young-looking lady entered the breifing room, having been telepathically alerted ahead of time by Healer. A dramatic fanfare blared. "Did you capture him?" Dan asked. "Did you have to beat him up? Did you have to blackmail him? Did you have to cause major property damage? Huh?" "Sorry, sir," Liz replied. "He volunteered to come." Dan looked disappointed, but he managed to conceal that. "Do you know what's going on?" Dr. Gigawatt asked in a stock announcer accent. "Wow," Rad replied. "Mmmmm," Gigawatt replied in a stock street punk accent. "Dis is da way it is. Da Prez George Bush was split up inta five billion George Bushes in the nuclear explosion that demolished mosta Washinton Dee Cee. Itsa believed dat dis was da work a FlatPhoot, da notorious crimnal." "To get him back," he continued in a stock John Cleese accent, "we have developed an incredibly sophisiticated dimensional transfer unit, one which will allow us to pluck each Bush from the past, as it were, and transfer him to the present, where he can be melded into one cohesive, singular George Bush. We need you to do the actual plucking though. Will you do it?" "Like, wow, dude," Rad said. Consciousness began to glimmer in his eyes for the first time that morning. Manny was about to say something, but Glum silenced him. "Joe would love to take the job. Right, darling?" Rad looked at her, and nodded. The young-looking woman watched them all silently. The one in the tiger- skin bikini seemed awfully eager to have Rad take this job, despite the dangers that being a split-second off in timing involved. Why? she wondered. It also occured to her to wonder why Rad looked like he had stuck his finger in a light socket, and why he was wearing a bathrobe, but this didn't exactly seem like the time to inquire. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, a man returned to his base of operations in a basement under an adult book store. He had recently recovered from a long coma, which he had lapsed into after barely avoiding the nuclear obliviation of a small part of Detroit. He had been out too long. There was no telling what Gorgax had accomplished at this point. There was a small glow beside him. Some shiny new mechanical things appeared there, like some chic, chrome-plated armor, a new Bad Guy Killer Pistol Mark II, muscle augments, overdue rent bills, three subpoenas, and an invitation to swing on the planet of Spunky Chunky Mary Lou Rhetton Clones. Nice of his boss to hold his mail for him. The man reached over and hefted a large stack of morally illicit magazines purchased from the book store above, moving them to where his equipment and mail had been beamed. Soon, the stack disappeared. The government would be very pleased to learn how highly sophisticated and mature these Earthers were to have created such literate material. That accomplished, he put on his costume. It had been a while since he had done so, and it felt good, except in the groin area where the spandex had a tendency to bunch up. He donned the armor, holstered the pistol, and threw out the mail. He had a mission still to accomplish. He was Galaxy Hunter, and his mission was to stop Gorgax from ruining the Earth. To do that, he would have to kill one J. Danforth Quayle, whom Gorgax had taken over. He flew off into the morning sky, following the radioactive pulse emitted by his robot companion Starblazer, whom Gorgax had taken. -------------------------------------------------------------------- The young-looking woman who had been at the conference lounged in her office, looking over the C.U.A. files on the hero known as Rad, and drinking a glass of O positive blood. This young-looking woman, one Chalandra Harkness by name, was many things. She was the government therapist in Hogsville, which is why she was trying to learn more about Rad. She was part of the great commie-pinko liberal media conspiracy to destabilize the U.S. and subvert it to Moscow's interests (never mind that Moscow wasn't really interested), which is why she was looking through C.U.A. files. She was also a vampire, which is why she was drinking the blood. She had eclectic tastes, which is why the blood was O positive, instead of AB negative or the other more popular types of blood among vampires. After Rad had recovered from the previous night, he was once again his normal self, which had proved to be annoying as hell. Did that superlatively tanned dolt have any idea just how much it cost to power his damn tanning booth? It was simply astronomical. She had concluded that he was as sane as most of the people on the planet, but recommended he be used for the job anyways. The glass was empty. She sighed, realizing that she would be able to last for another three or so days. Pig's blood was ok for the day-to-day haul, but it didn't have the more necessary nutrients in it, nor any oat bran. Human blood had both, plus it was sweeter. She gazed over at the discarded red cross package. She had gotten it from her usual supplier, the chairman of the local red cross. She contemplated her lack of visage in the opposite mirror. Her slender, smooth face failed to reflect entirely. Her skin, somewhat pale despite the makeup, didn't show at all. Suddenly, she crumpled down. Pain! Something...something *powerful* was coming. Something that was, if not evil, extremely morally relatavistic. Something that had no fashion sense. Something coming to Hogsville. Trembling, she opened her eyes. The office was still there. The empty goblet was still there. The reports were still there. Sighing, she sat up and got back to them. Stress, that's all it was. Stress. And not enough oat bran. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Dan Quayle rushed into the main laboratory, where Dr. Gigawatt was telling Rad about the first stage of the operation. He (Rad, that is) was to pluck, one by one, over two thousand George Bushes that had disappeared before the huge Akron adventure. All he had to do was reach out, grab the President by his suit, and pull him bodily through the rift in the time-space continuum. The first one was inside Brandon Tartikoff's office in Rockefella center. He seemed to be proposing a half-hour situation comedy featuring himself and those hilarious guys and gals who helped him fend off that wacky Congress each week. Bush, as well as Tartikoff, seemed surprised when a hand reached out of a gaping rift in space/time and an arm with a tan of frankly epic proportions reach out and pull Bush through. So surprised he didn't notice an equally tanned dude and his sidekick making their way up past his office. Rad, though, recognized the scene. He had seen this from the vantage of being outside the window back in episode 4. Now it made a bit more sense. He wondered if this would be a boon to his contemplation of himself in the mirror. Typical. Very typical. No sooner was the Bush through than he was whisked off to a special cylinder. The next Bush to be brought through got put in an adjoining con- tainer. There were a lot of completely unnecessary special effects, most of which were recorded and played back off of that week's Star Trek. The tubes opened, and only the Bush on the left remained. "Two Bushes have been melded into one," Dr. Gigawatt said in a stock John Lovitz accent. "Is that so wrong?" He privately pondered how long it would take to do five billion Bushes in this fashion. It wouldn't work. Some- how there had been something else. Quayle hummed a happy tune. Occasionally, Rad had to actually step through and move some to get the fleeing President. To ensure Rad's quick return should something go wrong, Dr. Gigawatt gave him a small timejump crystal, which he had created with Faith's help. It permitted small jumps forward in time, although it was also accompan- ied by wild variations in spatial displacement. It was important that Rad do the job in a timely fashion. Finally, after weeks of intensive Bush nabbing throughout the world, 2,390 of the scheduled 2,391 Bushes had been captured. Everyone's mind was clearly on the main event, in which five billion Bushes would disappear. No one noticed as Glum slipped Dan's C.U.A. credit card out of Dan's wallet, pasted a post-it note to the card, and slipped it into Rad's wallet. She then slipped the C.U.A. card Rad had been carrying out of the wallet and into Quayle's wallet. The dimension door opened, but it seemed funny. Rad looked through. There was nothing to see but sky. Had Bush been sky-diving? He heard Dr. Gigawatt curse behind him. "Urrrrgh!" he said in a stock Sean Penn accent. "A matter transmission from another dimension deflected the rift's materialization coordinates. We're nowhere near RatherLarge City now. We probably messed up their trans- mission, too. Damn! Oh well. I'm going to close the gate and recalibrate it again." No one noticed as Glum sidled up to Rad, who was standing directly in front of the rift. She pecked him on the cheek, and then, to the astonishment of everyone else present, she shoved him through the rift just as it closed. Dr. Gigawatt stormed up to her furiously. "What haff you done?" he said in a stock german accent. "Thos coordinates vere random! Ve do not know vhere he ees at all now, girl? Do you know vhat you haff done?!?" Glum said nothing, though it was obvious that she had known exactly what she was doing. WHY DID GLUM SHOVE RAD THROUGH THE DIMENSIONAL DOOR? WHERE (AND WHEN) IS RAD NOW? WHAT WILL GALAXY HUNTER DO WHEN HE GETS TO HOGSVILLE? WHO NOTICED THAT DR. GIGAWATT REUSED A STOCK ACCENT? SINCE WHEN DO VAMPIRES CARE ABOUT OAT BRAN? WAS MANNY HEARING MUZAK WHEN HE WAS LISTENING TO THE TUPPERWARE? ALL THIS AND UNDEAD CHIC ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY!! Acknowledge-To: <34EPWQL@CMUVM ========================================================================= RAD #14: "Getting a (Time)jump on the Competition" by Gary W. Olson (vootie!) Rad fell approximately half a mile out of the time-space rift before he recovered from his shock enough to psychokinetically put on the brakes, as it were. Glum had shoved him through the rift, just as Dr. Gigawatt was about to close it and recalibrate the time-travel machine to get the one George Bush they didn't have, outside of the 5-billion Bush horde. The motives behind this would puzzle even the most mentally capable person. Suffice it to say Rad didn't place in the Top Ten in this catagory. "Well, dude, I guess it's just you and me now," he said. My lucky day, to be sure. "Yah, like, totally," he replied, oblivious to my sarcasm. "Say, what's that, like, landmass over there, like, y'know?" That's Japan, although many today believe it's Vietnam, Kenya, Australia, or, of all things, Rhode Island. "Like, wow..." Rad said. He fingered the timejump crystal that Dr. Giga- watt had given him. It would allow him to make small temporal jumps forward, thus helping him get back to the "present" quickly, although there would also be dramatic spatial displacement with each temporal jump. "Like, what?" Translation: Everytime you go ahead a little in time, you move a lot around the Earth. Got it? "Like, got it. I'm gonna, like, set down in, like, Tokyo here, like, y'know, and, like, get my bearings, like, y'know?" Right. Tokyo was one of the most impressive, complex cities in the world. It was afternoon, and the traffic was jammed. Construction was moving at it's usual hurly-burly pace, this time focusing in on the area of Godziller's last visit. Motorists were somewhat surprised, although not shocked, to see a very impressively tanned gaijin floating down into the crowd of one of Tokyo's busiest streets. After all, after you've seen Godziller, nothing shocks you. The fact that the tanned gaijin was wearing only a bathrobe gave a few of them a start, but nothing they couldn't handle. Rad wandered around, marveling at the city. He had visited it many times, mostly with his stepparents whenever they visited their homeland, but he never got tired of looking at it. The gleaming form of the Super-Doubletalk- Fortress-1 loomed in the south sky. He was waiting for the crystal to charge up enough for him to make a timejump. To pass the time, he reviewed the manga racks. Most of the ones he was interested in he already had (he is, you'll remember, several months in the past), but not all. He was eyeing a volume of "Ranma 1/2" rather pleadingly when he heard what sounded like a beam weapon coming from a nearby building. "Hey, dude, sounds, like, some damsels, in, like, y'know, distress, eh?" Rad tore off into the sky, not hearing the variety of comments on his flying, his vast tan, his bathrobe, and his lack of clothing under his bath- robe. Not that it would have bothered him, as Tokyites are generally more understanding about this kind of thing. Besides, Godziller doesn't wear any- thing and it doesn't seem to bother *him* any. Homing in on the sound of the damsels, he saw an evil, scientific-looking type in a window of a small, downtown office, wielding a evil, scientific- looking gun. Rad couldn't see the damsels but crashed through to save them anyways. As he rammed the scientific figure, Rad got a feeling of deja vu... He looked down. It was Dr. Madhatter, the evil, scientific-looking dude who was trying to use his madness-causing weapon to turn Key and Yury into a couple of loopy loons. He looked up. The weapon had apparantly misfired as it had bounced on the ground. Key and Yury stood looking at him oddly, as though they were trying to figure out where his vital arteries were. Rad stutterstepped back, then turned and flew like hell. "Well, dude, now I guess I, like, know why they were after me..." he said. "Good, like, thing, that things worked out at the, like, end." That, dear readers, is a reference to episode 12, where Key and Yury were finally healed of their madness. And people thing I make this up as I go along. Ho, ho, how wrong you are! "Like, anyway, narrating dude," Rad said. "Is, like, my snooze button all, like, charged up?" You're...snooze button? Oh, you mean the timejump crystal! Yes, yes, try it out. Go on. Yes, that's it. Now press. No, harder. There you go. Tokyites were somewhat startled to see the tanned gaijin abruptly blip out of existance. The Tokyo stock market responded to these events by declaring that the people on the street were silly and promptly went out to do lunch. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Chalandra Harkness looked up from her files to see J. Danforth Quayle, acting President of the United States, walk into her office with a very out-of- place look on his face. She placed why it looked so odd: it was a look of intelligence. "I'm sorry, sir, but Glum still won't tell us why she shoved Rad through the interdimensional rift..." she started, but Dan waved his hand to cut her off. Another thing was odd, it seemed. "What about your dramatic fanfare, sir?" she asked. "I banned them again," he replied. "Dunno why I ever legalized them." No wonder everyone in Hogsville seemed to be celebrating. She tried to talk again, but found she couldn't. She tried to move. Nothing. Quayle closed the door. When he turned, his eyes seemed to be burning. Needless to say, something was not kosher in Hogsville that day. "You may as well know, dear," said the being. "I may be wearing Dan Quayle's body, but I am most assuredly *not* Dan Quayle. You may call me... Gorgax." He strolled around her desk casually, sitting down on it's edge. "I took this body once before," he said. "Had a lot of fun with it. Problem was, I didn't have a plotline. So, I decided to skip over to the Magellenic Clouds to ruin a galactic federation or two. When I came back, what did I find but a working time-machine! My, you mortals are clever, even if you have to borrow our technology to make it work." She looked at him questioningly. "The robot," he said, charmingly. "Starblazer. Once belonged to a chap called Galaxy Hunter, who was sent here to destroy me. He's mine now. I imagine that Hunter is dead now, caught in my nuclear explosion. A pity." She couldn't move away from his burning stare. "So what do I need with you, my pretty?" he asked. "Well, you're a vampire, that much is obvious." He gestured to the empty blood-sacs and the lack of mirror reflection. "With your unwilling help, I can build an army here. It can be my breeding grounds for the chaos I aim to spread all across the cosmos, through all periods of history. That's where the time machine comes in. And *you* get to start the ball rolling." Her mind yielded to the sweet oblivion of nothingness as his force of will encompassed her. ------------------------------------------------------------------ "Come on, hon, you can tell me," Elizabeth coaxed Glum, who was sitting in the briefing room. "You had to have had some reason for pushing him into the dimensional rift like that. You aren't still angry at him, are you?" "If I was angry," said Glum, unruffled, "I *wouldn't* have pushed him through at all." Elizabeth, Manny Seconds, and Dr. Gigawatt were all puzzled by this. Faith, the most gullible person on the face of the planet, quietly Believed it. "Well, ah, lookee here, li'l darlin'," Dr. Gigawatt said in a stock Texan accent. "I don't reckon how not tellin' us is gonna solve anythin'. We know 'bout him meetin' himself when he was on 'is way to New Yawk. Obviously, by not puttin' him through the rift, a numbuh of majuh space-tahm discrepencees would have cropped up, probly rendin' the con-teen-u-um apart. In hindsight, 'twas a good ideer. But what I wanner know is, why'd *you* do it?" Glum appeared to warm to the subject a bit. She adjusted her robe as she sat up in the chair, her night-black hair cascading nearly to the floor. "Well," she started. "It has a lot to do with my past. You see, I was the daughter of the Emperor Ianonuthink of the famous Ottsamaddawidu, and because I was, like, a princess and all that, I had to marry a prince, right? "Well, I really didn't have any problem with that. And if they had brought out any other prince, I would've married him on the spot. But...and this is the big thing...the prince they brought out was one of the most singularly nauseating singers I've ever heard in my life. His music was horrible!" "Was he from Earth?" Elizabeth asked. "Yes, he was," Glum replied. "His name was Barry Manilow." "Thought so," Liz replied. "There was a small article under the tides report on the next to the last page of the Albion, Nebraska News that said that Manilow had been abducted by aliens. Sounded like the same guy." "So, I ran away," Glum continued. "For reasons I'm sure you'll under- stand." Everyone at the table vigorously nodded their heads until they were dizzy and needed another drink. "I took my space yacht out and fled the system. I had heard of this world and had thought it might be a fun place to visit. But when the ship decelerated from hyperspace the magnetic bottle slipped, and I was starting to have problems..." ------------------------------------------------------------------- Rad materialized inside an odd looking room. It was odd looking because it didn't look like a room should: straight walls, angular corners, a picture of Miss February, or anything else. The walls, floor, and corners seemed to flow, giving the room an almost organic appearance. There didn't seem to be a door, though. Most odd. Rad turned and saw a window, kind of like a porthole, in the wall. He levitated over to it, intend- ing to smash through to freedom. What he saw stopped him dead in his tracks. The Earth! It was a bluish-green orb rotating peacefully below him. He could see California clearly...there were no clouds and it was prime youbetchalotsa tanning weather. He wondered offhandedly where (and more importantly, when) he was, when the wall opposite the porthole shattered. "Hmmm. I appear to be aboard a, like, spaceship, like, y'know?" Rad flew out of the room to look for Darth Vader. Suffice it to say since this isn't a Star Wars narrative, and George Lucas would probably frown on this whole endeavor anyways (oh, like Toho films wouldn't...), Vader won't appear. He did find a starship corridor which seemed to be breaking up in a most convincing fashion. "Like, dude, it looks, like, well, this place is, like, gonna, y'know, blow up, y'know?" Rad said. He fingered his timejump crystal again. It would be at least two hours before it could recharge again. "Can't you, like, get me, like, out of here, y'know?" Listen, *dude*, I'm just the narrator here. If you want the author, you will just have to go to Superpen and complain. "Right," Rad replied, and started flying down the rapidly dissolving corridor. He came upon a closed door. "Hey, dude, like this door is, like, closed, y'know?" Didn't I just say it was closed? "Well, I think I'd, like, better open it, y'know?" So, using his vastly powerful telekinetic bolts, he did just that. Amazing, isn't it. The room, which was apparantly the cockpit, although it was quite luxur- ious as far as cockpits went, what with all the (pseudo) furs and skins and stuff. What looked like a main control panel was in flames. And something appeared to be huddling in the corner. Rad looked closer. The figure was wearing a tiger-skin bikini and seemed half-paralyzed with fright, although Rad could not be sure whether she was more afraid of the ship blowing up, or him. One thing was sure - he now knew why Glum had pushed him through the space/time rift. She had done it so that Rad would save the figure huddled in the corner... a somewhat younger-looking but still familiar Glum. WILL RAD BE ABLE TO RESCUE GLUM AND ESCAPE FROM THE EXPLODING SHIP? HAS GORGAX TAKEN OVER QUAYLE PERMANENTLY? CAN WE HOPE? WHAT DOES HE PLAN TO DO WITH OUR FAVORITE VAMPIRE, CHALANDRA HARKNESS? WAS SEGUING THE ACTION WITH RAD INTO A FLASHBACK WITH GLUM A MOVE OF LITERARY GENIUS OR WHAT? WILL CAPT. IDAHO OR THE CRIMSON AMOEBA EVER RETURN TO UMNEWS? WHY WOULD ANYONE FORCE BARRY MANILOW ON ANYBODY? WILL THE BUSHES EVER BE REUNITED? WHAT ABOUT THE BEATLES? WILL THE SPIRIT OF ELVIS APPEAR AGAIN? ALL THIS AND A REHASH OF EPISODES ONE AND TWO ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ! ========================================================================= RAD #15: "Deja View" by Gary W. Olson (accompanied by the NY Philharmonic) "W-W-Wh-Wh-Who...are you?" asked Glum, who had just noticed Rad. There was a bit of a shake in her voice, which is perfectly excusable when you consider the kind of day she had had. Her father, the Emperor Ianonuthink of the Ottsamaddawidu Empire, had just tried to force her to marry Barry Manilow, so she escaped in her space yacht to Earth. Currently, the space yacht was in the process of disintegrating, and if you've ever been through that kind of situation, you know how that can get on your nerves. "Well, I'm, like, your rescuer, babe, like, y'know?" Rad said, starting towards her. She scrunched back further, and raised her arm. Rad quickly stopped. "Hey, I'm not, like, here to harm you, like, Glum, like, okay?" "How do you know who I am?" she asked, lowering her arm. "Like, I don't have time to, like, explain that right now," Rad replied, ever conscious of the explosions in the corridor behind him. "Don't you have, like, any escape pods, or, like, transporters, like, y'know, in, like, Trek?" She paused while her mind translated the sentence. "Well, no, not anymore...all I have left are these clothes," she said, pointing to a large suitcase, "and this convenient ablative heatshield." "Well, like, it'll have to, like, do." The mortally wounded ship started to slide into Earth's gravitational well. The air outside the window seemed to be getting redder and hotter, in a totally gratuitous attempt to put some special effects into this story. A hole blew out of what was left of the forward portion of the ship, and an ablative heatshield pushed out and fell, with two figures clinging hard and fast to it. The boiling air rushed about them for what seemed to be an eternity, but the heatshield held fast and protected them. Finally, they punched through the stratosphere and into the friendlier portions of the atmosphere. They pulled up and allowed the heatshield, which now resembled a fishnet, to fall to the Earth. It landed on Dan Rather as he was playing tennis, which really made him angry and provided Peter Jennings and Tom Brokaw some great fillers for the ends of that day's news programs. Rad was not surprised that Glum could fly, as he had seen her do so numerous times before, but Glum seemed quite surprised that Rad could fly, as this was the first time she had met him and the Galatlas never mentioned that the natives on this planet could fly. They flew to a stretch of public beach in one of the most picturesque beachfront areas of Los Angeles. There they watched the remains of the star yacht explode. Suddenly, a major beam of energy seemed to punch through the ozone layer and land somewhere on the beach. Glum started to panic. "The ultraviolet oscillating fillibrilating doubletalk device!" she said. "It must have gone off by accident! Come on! Someone may have been hurt!" She took Rad by the hand and dragged him bodily over to where the beam had hit. A short, unfathomable looking man was trying to dig a tall, very well tanned looking dude out of a large, iglooish structure that seemed to be comprised mostly of mousse, while also trying not to spill his tofu in the sand at the same time. Glum started to move forward but noticed that the tanned figure being helped up was the same one as the one beside her. "Allright," Glum said, whirling on him. "What's going on?" "Well, basically, like, that's, like, me, y'know? An' the explosion of, like, your ship, well, like, gave me my powers. So I became, like, a super hero, to, like, protect all that was, like, awesomely Californian from the most heinous ravages of bogus evilies everywhere." "Mmmmm," Glum said. "So why are there two of you?" "Well, like, it's because I, like, got pushed back in time, by you, I might add, and I'm, like, working my way back to the, like, present, which is, like, about six months from, like, now." "Oh..." Glum said, relaxing a bit. They stared at each other for an eternal moment. Well, not eternal eternal, really. I mean, if it was really eternal, it would never have ended because it is, well, eternal. Thus, eternal is not really eternal, but just quite a while, in this case. Lasted about as long as this paragraph, actually. She jumped up and wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him, hard. Electrical energy poured through her, about 2000 volts, to be exact. All the radios for a full mile around suddenly overloaded from the electrical discharge, which really annoyed a lot of beachgoers and caused them to take over the nearest tofu stand and secede from the union. Meanwhile, Rad and Glum quietly adjourned to Rad's beach house, which he had remembered was conveniently empty at that time. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Meanwhile, back in the present (our present, that is), Galaxy Hunter cruised over Oklahoma. It was a very long trip, as he had never gotten the really good jetpack he had wanted. Nevertheless, he was determined to retrieve his robot Starblazer and destroy Gorgax, who had taken the body of J. Danforth Quayle. Nothing could stop him. Well, almost nothing. He was suddenly reminded that he had had twelve mugs of coffee before he had set out that day. One rest stop later, he was in the air again, on the way to Hogsville. ------------------------------------------------------------------ "Joe?" Glum asked, as evening started to roll in. "How long will it be until I can see you again?" "Actually," Joe replied, "You'll, like, be meeting me, like, y'know, for, like, the first time, like, tonight." He was looking through his closet trying to find something he could wear that would look vaguely heroish yet still allow him a great tan. Going around with only a bathrobe on might fit into current Californian trends, but it didn't sit too well with the rest of the populace. He finally settled on a particularly dazzling pair of spandex knee-length pants, which (with suitable grunting and heaving necessary to pull on anything that tight) he remembered had been missing for the past six months. At least now he knew why. He tossed the ratty robe away. "What do you mean?" she asked. She was looking through her suitcase to find something to wear. Rad looked over. It looked like an ocean of tiger- stripe-print clothing and bikinis. He remembered that she had explained that that was considered to be royal dress on her home planet. "Well, I, like, I mean, the other me, the present Joe Moroboshi, is, planning a, like, party tonight with a few of my friends, like, from W.D.A." "W.D.A?" "Walking Disaster Area. Buncha cool dudes I've known, like, a long time. They're, like, a heavy metal band now, an' they've got records n' stuff. I, like, met you for, like, the first time at, like, that party." "What was I wearing?" Glum asked. Rad looked through the voluminous suitcase. He moved the portable computer, the file cabinet and the kitchen sink to reveal a different looking outfit. It was tiger-striped of course, and seemed to be somewhat like spandex, though far less silly looking. The top was a half vest that exposed the midriff, and the bottom was a one-piece that included the feet. After she had put it on, she looked in the mirror. "What do you think?" "I'll love it," Rad replied. "You can just leave the rest of it in the closet. I'll assume it grew there overnight." She thought he was joking, but Rad was feeling really rather stoopid at the moment, because that was what he *had* assumed for the past six months. Of course, it's scientifically impossible to both work on your tan and think at the same time, so that must be the explaination for it. "Very funny, dude. Yer, like, a bucket of laughs, today." "Are you talking to the air, darling?" she asked. Rad rolled his eyes. "Uh...no, ah, no..." he said. "And, ah, like, don't call me darling." "Whatever you say, darling," Glum said, cheerfully ignoring him. "The party, will be, like, at the beach house next door," Rad went on, resigning himself to the inevitable running joke. "You won't miss it...it'll be the one that sounds like a nuclear bomb constantly exploding." "All right, darling," Glum said, giving him a peck as she walked out the door. "Hurry up...I'm probably missing you by now." With that she was gone, floating down the road and past a few cars. Not coincidentally, there were a few divorces the next day. Rad watched her depart. He glanced around, smiled a bit when he consid- ered how much the interior decorating of his home would change in the next six months, and pressed the timejump crystal. Instantly, he blipped out of existance. ----------------------------------------------------------------- "And so..." Glum said, finishing her story, "I went to the party and met Joe. I remember it was on the dance floor. That band, the W.D.A, had just started up their big hit "I'll Run You Over With My Truck (Because I Love You)," and he was out on the floor with, like, some Kim Basinger tramp. So I grabbed him, spun him around, kissed him, and sent out about 10000 volts into him." "What happened next?" Faith asked. "Well, I became his secretary, because he was so totally disorganized he wasn't getting any heroing jobs. Actually, all I really have to do is set the computers to do everything, which for me takes about ten minutes, tops. Then... "No, I mean what happened later that evening?" Faith asked. He yipped in pain as Liz, Manny, and Dr. Gigawatt all kicked his shins simultaneously. "Ignore him, senorita," Dr. Gigawatt said in a stock Julio Iglesias accent. "You did un bueno thing by punting him through the dimensional door. Now, hee can rescue yoo and keep the space-time continuum from ripping apart." "Yeah," Manny Seconds said. "But what do we do now?" "Rad is probably trying to make his way back to us now," Gigawatt said in a stock Joe Friday accent. "What we have to do now is try to figure out how we snagged the five billion George Bushes. According to witnesses... The session lasted late into the evening. Very late in the evening, it was decided that what had happened was that Faith, operating under guidance from Healer, had telepathically linked with Rad so that he could draw the Bushes through the rift, causing a vision of a vast tan Rad to appear as a side effect. They had then and there melded the Bushes into one single George Bush, the alive ones along with the dead ones. What was surprising was not the plan but how well it held up during next morning's hangovers. Manny was stumbling to his guest room when he saw the form of Chalandra Harkness. She seemed to have a somewhat glazed look in her eyes, although Manny wasn't a paragon of sobriety at the moment himself. Her eyes seemed to smoulder at him as she beckoned him to enter her quarters. He did. As the doors slid shut, the glint of her vampire fangs could be seen. Somewhere, Gorgax/Dan Quayle laughed, his plan moving closer to fruition. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Rad materialized in the air again, as he tended to do. Something fell out as he did, and he quickly moved to scoop it up. He was quite high up. He recognized the object as the C.U.A. credit card that he had found in his wallet back in episode five. He had assumed he was the one who had written the accompanying post-it note, explaining that it was Dan Quayle's card and he could use it as often as he liked, but upon looking closer he saw that it was Glum's handwriting. He wondered how he would get this to himself. Fortunately, he was spared the agony of creative thought as he suddenly noticed a UAL jetliner lumbering towards him. He recognized the figure on the wing. It was him, when he had strolled onto the wing back in episode 2 to get a tan on the way to New York. "Like, hey, what's doin, dude?" the Rad on the wing asked. "Just, like, hangin out, y'know," Rad replied. "It'll be a couple of hours before I can time travel back to the present, so I thought I'd hang out with myself and, like, talk, y'know?" While they talked and had the exact same conversation they had from episode 2, which you can reread if you must, though nothing important was said, Rad slipped the C.U.A. credit card secretly into Rad's wallet, which was lying on the blanket the first Rad was sitting on, due to the miracle of velcro. The first Rad never noticed. Rad realized what was about to happen and decided to quickly make himself scarce. "Oh, yah, one more thing," he said as he was leaving, "I'd get ready. "You're about to be attacked by the minions of Willard Scott." He quickly flew off, not willing to start mucking around with those rejects again. Two hours later, the timejump button was fully recharged, and he blipped out of existance again. WHERE (AND WHEN) WILL RAD APPEAR NEXT? WHAT THE HELL IS AN ULTRAVIOLET OSCILLATING FILLIBRATING DOUBLETALK DEVICE? WHAT DID RAD AND GLUM DO LATER THE NIGHT OF THE PARTY? WOULD TIPPER GORE HAVE APPROVED? IS MANNY GOING TO GET VAMPED? WHY DOES GALAXY HUNTER DRINK SO MUCH COFFEE? ALL THIS AND ROCK N ROLL, DUDE, ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! Acknowledge-To: <34EPWQL@CMUVM ========================================================================= RAD #16: "Back to the Fuscha" by Gary W. Olson (and his evil twin Skippy) Rad blipped back into existance, and was immediately assaulted with what sounded like a continuous nuclear explosion. "Like, great, dude," he said. "Like, what a great, like, way to go, destroyed in, like, one of Dangerousdude's, like, atomic blasts." After a few moments of this, Rad noticed something. The atomic structure of his being, his very molecular essence, failed entirely to be rent into it's separate components. Rad noticed something else -- a rhythm to the sound, and some very good nuclear guitar work as well. "Dude!" he exclaimed. "It's gotta, like, be...my most excellent rock n roll friends, the Walking Disaster Area dudes!" He levitated down to where the sound was emenating from. The sign on the door read "The Flying Kamikaze Amazon Bar from Hell." Rad entered the shabby looking door. A big, burly, bald guy with the word "Bouncer" tatooed to his forehead stepped in front of him. "Hey, members onl...well, I'll be...Joe, is that really you?" "Mike-o! Dude!" Rad exclaimed. He was glad to see a familiar face. "Well, I'll be hornswaggled and tied to a cactus," Mike the bouncer said. "Joe Moroboshi, this is the first time I've seen you in six months. Come on in!" He led Rad into the bar. There was smoke everywhere. A lot of smoke. I mean, we're talking smoke city here. A waitress wandered by and handed them gas masks. Rad could see his friends in the band Walking Disaster Area up on stage. The lead singer, Screecher, was tearing into the closing part of the song as Boom-Boom launched into an excellent drum solo. Rad removed his gas mask. "I'd kill you...I got better things to do...than handle green slime... I'd kill you...but you ain't worth the bullet...my hand's on the trigger... But I ain't gonna pull it..." Meanwhile, Rad was trying to figure out when in time he was. Mike had said it had been six months since he had been here, and the last time he had been here was a month before he had met Glum, which was six months before the present. After lots of adding and subtracting, involving pi, the universal gravitational constant, and a bunch of other stuff, he arrived at his being one month behind the present, which was surprisingly correct. Screecher then launched into the closing of the song as the excellent guitar sounds of Pyro Tekknik ripped through the crowd. The Amazon was one of the groups favorite bars because 1) they got free drinks, 2) there were plenty of babes, and 3) they didn't have to provide any "smoke" special effects. There was a final guitar solo, and the song ripped and rumbled to a conclusion. The band accepted the applause, and left the stage. "Well, I'll be," Pyro said as he saw Rad at the bar. "Joe! We ain't seen you here since that huge bash we had at one of your beach houses five months ago!" Rad rose and slapped a high-five with Pyro as the rest of the band members came over. "Joe!" Screecher yelled. They did a little "invisible guitar" thing and sat down. "Like, dude," Rad asked. "Where is Johnny B?" They all simply looked at him. "Oh, yah. Like, is that, like, a rhetorical question, or, like, what?" They all chuckled over this. "So, like, how's the hero business treatin' ya?" Boom-boom asked. "Like, not too bad, y'know?" Rad replied. "I just, like, gotta work harder, y'know, at finding time to, like, work on my, like, excellent tan." "How can you tan more than twenty four hours a day?" Billy McCraken, the band's keyboard dude, asked. Everyone enjoyed a good laugh on this too. "Well, like, I'm, like, travelling back, like, into time, so, like, I can, like, get twice as, like, tan." There was a good roar over this one, though the members of W.D.A. didn't suspect that what Rad said was true, at least the part about his doing some time-travelling. "So, like, who's your latest babe?" Pyro asked. "Madoka? Kiki?" "Nope, dude. It's Glum, the same one you saw at our huge bash five months ago. Like, you know, the one with the tiger-skin bikini? "Wow!" Billy said. "The great Rad-o is finally nabbed! Who'da thunk that the day would come?" At this, he whipped out a sheet of paper. "Nearest date...February 30th, 2003 for...Screecher!" Screecher cheered this and used his pool winnings to buy another round of drinks. The conversation went on late into the evening. The band was living on its musical earnings, and things were ok, althought they were still waiting for a plot line. [Authors note: this takes place two weeks before their current F.E.A.R. storyline.]. Rad was just finishing warning the band to warn Johnny B. that the California paternity police were on 24 hour watch for him after that huge bash, when Billy noticed the timejump crystal that Rad had hanging around his neck on a chain. "Like, what's this?" he said, grabbing it. "Like, dude, don't, like, press that." But it was too late. Rad blipped out of existance again. "Geez," Pyro said. "I *hate* those dimensional doors." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Rad materialized again inside the Akron bowling alley the day after the huge mega-battle against the Bushes. It was just after he, Manny, Max Vax and Glum had departed. Most of the heroes had been driven un- conscious again when someone had turned on "The Bradys." Rad hoped he would be able to congratulate Dangerousman and Relativity Woman on their upcoming marriage again, this time while they were conscious. Suddenly, he heard a loud "AAAARRRROOOOOOARRRRGGGGGLLLLEEEEEEBARRR- GGLLLLLLEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!" He spun as most of the heroes suddenly sat up bolt upright. A strange, nerdy looking guy teleported away, leaving a three week old box of Phoot's pizza behind as a calling card. This, then, must have been the villain known as FlatPhoot. But still, that was no reason for Superm00se to have been so loud. "That was, like, most rude, m00se," said Rad. He left a note of congratulations in Relativity Woman's hand, and quickly alighted. It was time to head home. He pushed the timejump crystal again, and disappeared. -------------------------------------------------------------- The temporal doorway closed. Dr. Gigawatt checked his instruments again and let out a stock whoop of excitement. "We did it!" he said in a stock college freshman accent. Everyone in the room cheered. What they had done was send the George Bush they had melded from the 2,390 Bushes they had painstakingly captured over the past three weeks, out to Akron, so they could be in the big battle with the other five billion Bushes. "You see sir," John Sununu explained to Dan Quayle. "What we're doing is sending the Bush we have to Akron, so that when we nab the whole horde, and simultaneously meld it into one singular George Bush, we won't have to meld it again with the Bush we have." Dan made one of his I-don't- really-understand-but-I'm-glad-someone-does nods. Sununu smiled. In fact, Gorgax, who was controlling Dan's body, understood perfectly. He merely played dumb now to perpetrate the ruse. Chalandra had not yet entralled the all the outsiders (read: Manny, Glum and Rad) in her vampiric web. She had gotten Manny at his hypnotic behest, and neither of them remembered anything. Now it was time to speed up the pace of things a bit. If this planet was to become his vampiric breeding ground, he would have to start somewhere. Manny was doing a little victory dance with Glum and Dr. Gigawatt. He had noticed the two small holes in his neck, but dismissed them as bruises he had acquired when stumbling into his room last night. Suddenly, he felt his body sieze up. Glum could not see him as her back was turned. He lunged for Glum's neck, and buried sharp fangs, which he had only recently acquired, deep. Her scream of pain was drowned out when someone turned on the MTV. "Hey, lookit this!" MTV was showing a joint broadcast with The Family Channel. It looked like a telethon, with the rock band Walking Disaster Area in one corner, raising money for rock, and Pat Robertson and his Fanatical Evangelists Against Rock. W.D.A. was currently on the stage, singing their hit "I'll Run You Over With My Truck (Because I Love You)." They seemed to be lagging behind the money Robertson was raising. Apparantly, MTV was handling the call-in money donations. Things were not looking very swell for the rock-n-roll side, as they had had no time to promote their appearance. Glum forgot the neckbite. It was as though it had never happened. She rubbed the two small holes in her neck as she watched the screen. "Oh, darling," Glum said. "They're playing our song. I wish you were here. I wish I knew where you were..." No one was quite sure why Glum thought W.D.A. was a particularly romantic band, seeing as they were the loudest, rawest, and screechiest band on the face of the planet. Things were looking bad for the W.D.A. Gorgax chuckled. That Pat Robertson was a very capable fellow. He had this one sewn up. The music stopped. Someone was bringing a phone up to the stage. Everyone wondered who rated so highly as to be able to speak with the band... ----------------------------------------------------------------- Rad had moved into the future, but only a few weeks. He saw a paper, and realized he was once again in the present. He recognized he was still over Akron, and sighed. He had a long way to fly. By a staggering coincidence, Galaxy Hunter, who was intending to kill Dan Quayle/Gorgax, was also on his way to Hogsville, Texas, homing in on the signal being given off by his robot Starblazer. He was fifteen minutes flight time. And he stayed fifteen minutes exactly ahead during the entire trip down there. Even when Galaxy Hunter had to stop and relieve himself of the multiple cups of coffee he had drank that day, he was fifteen minutes ahead of Rad. Rad had set down into a rest stop in Quitesmall Rock, Arkansas, to get his bearings. In a small cafe, he saw a familiar looking band on TV. It was his friends, the W.D.A., in a telethon against...well, we've already gone over that...there's no need to repeat the score, as you already know who they are up against...well, ok, Pat Robertson and the Fanatical Evangelists Against Rock (F.E.A.R...natch). Rad became alarmed. W.D.A. was literally playing for it's musical life! If they lost the telethon fundraising competition, they would have to disband for life! Then, in a fit of inspired brilliance, he remembered. Dan Quayle's C.U.A. credit card! He had given it to himself back in the last episode, but he still remembered the numbers. Almost capsizing Rosanne Barr in his mad scramble for the phone, he reached it and dialed.... Later, having requested "I'd Kill You (But I Haven't Got the Time)" Glum and making his friends very happy with the large donation he had charged off of Dan's unlimited credit, he flew off again. Galaxy Hunter also left his rest point at the same time, and they continued flying to Hogsville, fifteen minutes apart still. ---------------------------------------------------------------- "Dammit!" screamed Gorgax/Quayle. "How the *hell* did he get a hold of my credit card?" Glum giggled. It had been her that had had the idea of giving Rad Dan's credit card, but she wasn't about to say anything now. "Oh well," Gorgax said. "Chalk it up to defense overruns, as usual." The tide of the telethon had dramatically turned, and everyone except Gorgax seemed happy about it. But then, they were all rudely interrupted. "Stand where you are, Gorgax!" a heroic voice bellowed. Gorgax turned, shocked. No, not him, not now! But it was...Galaxy Hunter! He had his Bad Guy Killer Mark II Pistol out, and strafed the ground in front of him. "Hey, dude!" an equally heroic voice bellowed. Glum looked up and squealed in delight. Rad hovered in front of the hovering Galaxy Hunter, who had blown a large hole in the ceiling (which had not been noticed earlier due to the volume of the concert). "I, like, don't know who you are, dude, but I, like, can't have you, like, killing the, like, acting pres, dude." "So you're a minion of Gorgax, eh?" Galaxy Hunter bellowed, facing his new foe. "Well, you'll have to share his fate then!" NEXT: GALAXY HUNTER VS. RAD!!! WHAT WILL GORGAX DO TO KILL THEM BOTH? WILL GLUM AND MANNY EVER LEARN THAT THEY HAVE BEEN VAMPED? WILL W.D.A. WIN THE TELETHON NOW? WILL WE HAVE TO RAISE TAXES TO PAY FOR RAD'S CONTRIBUTION? WHAT KIND OF CLUB WOULD NAME ITSELF THE "FLYING KAMIKAZE AMAZON CLUB FROM HELL, ANYWAY? WILL THE BUSHES EVER BE MELDED? FOLDED? SPINDLED? ALL THIS AND WHEN TITANS CLASH ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY!! Acknowledge-To: <34EPWQL@CMUVM ========================================================================= RAD #17: "Party On, Dudes!" by Gary W. Olson (in vitro) Galaxy Hunter wasted little time in drawing his weapon and firing. Rad dodged as a thin laser swept by his left ear, singing his hair slightly and impacting against the far wall, which reacted by falling indignantly. Rad, our impeccably tanned hero, surveyed the situation calmly. After having worked his way back to the present after having been shoved into the past about seven months, he had journeyed back to Hogsville, the site of the George Bush reclamation project, where he had discovered this fellow in chic looking armor and fairly nifty spandex attacking the acting president J. Danforth Quayle. Not that Rad had anything against the setiment, but as a matter of principle, he had to defend the guy. You know how it is with these hero guys...principles up the patookie. Rad sized up the situation. On the ground, he could see the figures of his sidekick extraordinaire, Manny Seconds, his secretary and Significant Other, the alien princess Glum, the unregistered-superhero hunters, Faith and Healer, Dan Quayle, and Dan's cheif of staff John Sununu. Faith and Healer were already rising to assist him. "Hey, most bogus evilie dude," Rad said, deciding to try a moral indig- nation attack. "Who, like, are you, and, like, what're, you, like, doin?" Galaxy Hunter looked baffled. For a henchman of Gorgax, this one seemed rather dense. Also, his spandex seemed vaguely heroish, not villainish. Of course, Gorgax never had very much fashion sense, but he'd know this much... Was it possible that this one really didn't know about Gorgax taking over of Dan Quayle? He barely had time to ask before a psychokinetic bolt slammed into his hands, dislodging his Bad Guy Killer Mark II pistol. So...the guy (well tanned though he was) wanted to play rough? Well, good guy or no, you just don't *do* that to Galaxy Hunter. Rad was somewhat surprised as Galaxy Hunter lunged after his throat. After all, he had simply disarmed the guy, nothing to get upset in a major way about. Suddenly, Galaxy Hunter was knocked aside by what looked to be a large eviction notice. Apparantly, Faith had projected it. "Faith," Liz, the one called Healer, said. "When I said dis-lodge him, that wasn't what I meant. Nice effort, though." Faith beamed with pride. He was immediately hammered as Galaxy Hunter, who had caught the eviction notice and had hurled it back. Unconscious, Faith fell to Earth, as Healer dove to save him. Galaxy Hunter turned back to Rad, who by now had recovered sufficiently to return to the attack. He dimly heard someone calling to him from the ground below. Rad gang tackled him (well, its not really gang tackling per se, as there is only one of him, but you get the idea), and forced him down through the hole in the ceiling into the lab. They struck the ground roughly and tumbled about, thrashing about at each other. Only when they were zapped with 6000 volts of electrical energy did they look up from their battle to see Glum standing above them. "Break it up, both of you!" she snarled, her face looking more devilish than usual. Like most males in history when confronted with a female who could likely do serious damage to one's lower organs, they immediately bowed their heads and did their best to look sheepish. "Uncle!" she said, turning to Galaxy Hunter. "What do you think you're doing?" "Uncle?" said Manny. "Uncle?" said Healer, looking up from where she was tending to Faith. "Like, Uncle?" Rad said, more confused than usual. "Glum...is that you?" Galaxy Hunter said. He removed his helmet. Long auburn hair cascaded out. He was about thirty-five, by Earth standards, His hairline was seemingly in the process of receding, and his chin was stubbly in a sort of Don Johnsonish sort of way. He smiled as he embraced her. "I thought I'd never see you again. Do you know who this oaf is?" He gestured to Rad, who was still looking confused and sheepish. "This 'oaf,' Uncle, is Joe, my Significant Other," she said. "Speaking of whom..." "Hey, like, I, like, didn't know he was, like, yer uncle..." Rad said. "All I knew was, like, he was, like, attacking the Quayle dude, and..." "That's not Dan Quayle," Galaxy Hunter said, turning to eye the subject in question. "That's none other than the intergalactic arch criminal Gorgax!" "No!" John Sununu cried out. "Oh my!" exclaimed Glum. "Who's Gorgax?" asked Sununu. "He's the biggest, nastiest criminal this galaxy has ever seen," said Galaxy Hunter. "He's a psychic being, who skips through the stellar regions bringing chaos wherever he goes. He's brought down more planets and galactic empires than I have water rhinos!" Rad wondered how many water rhinos Galaxy Hunter had, and what a Water Rhino was for that matter. "What is he doing here?" Manny asked. g "He's here for the fun of bringing your world to ruin," Galaxy Hunter said. "To best do that, he took over an incompetent vice president and used him to start his program of destruction. I was sent here to defeat him." "I don't get it," said Quayle. "Incompetent vice president? I'll have you know I'm an incompetent acting president now, thank you very much." "He's lying," stated Healer. They all turned to her. "What?" said Manny in stunned disbelief. "You mean he's competent?" "No, no," Liz replied. "Dan Quayle is certainly not competent. What I meant was that that is not Dan Quayle. There's another being inside that body, inhabiting it like a shell. Something evil...with little fashion sense..." "Hmmmph..." said Quayle, whipping out a laser pistol. "Some people have no gratitude at all..." He fired directly at Galaxy Hunter. Rad dove in front of the blast. It hit him, seeming to send thousands of particles out from his chest. Glum screamed as he fell to the floor. "You've killed him!" Manny screamed, launching himself at Quayle/Gorgax. Taken aback, Gorgax dropped the gun and tried to hypnotize Manny again, but his momentum carried him into Gorgax and the near wall. "How dare you kill such a brave soul?" thundered Galaxy Hunter. "For this, you fiend, I swear you'll pay." "Uh," a voice came from the ground. "I'm not quite dead." "Oh...ah...how dare you mortally wound such a brave soul?" thundered Galaxy Hunter. "For this, you fiend, I swear you'll pay." "Like, I'm getting better," Rad said. "Uh...right," said Galaxy Hunter, somewhat annoyed that his dramatic and righteous anger was diluted by this. "Nevertheless, you'll pay!" He launched himself at Quayle/Gorgax, who had recovered enough to knock Manny away. Rad sat up. "What happened, darling?" Glum asked, kneeling beside him. "Like, the laser blast, y'know, hit my, like, timejump crystal and, like, smashed it into little tiny, like, bits. I was, like, going to deflect, like, the laser, y'know, but it hit, and like, I was stunned by the, y'know, glass particles, and like...hey, like, where are you, like, goin..." Glum was rushing to help her uncle, who seemed to be losing against Quayle/Gorgax. Gorgax was using his powers to enhance Quayle's strength to beat Galaxy Hunter senseless. He seemed ready to use a laser torch from his shoe to cut through GH lenghwise when she sent an electrical blast arcing from her arms to impact onto Gorgax. He laughed and threw a chunk of metal at her, missing her but causing her to fall. "My dear, dear Glum," he laughed. "It's not the volts that cause the damage, it's the amps! I'll be happy to demonstrate for you...." He smiled evilly and raised his arms. "Bad idea, dude," a voice from his left came. He turned his head. A figure silhouetted in shadow faced him, right arm outstretched in a fist. There was the psychokinetic equivalent of an explosion, and Quayle/Gorgax was unconscious, outside the building. The group straggled to its feet and followed the newly created trail through broken walls of brick, steel, cement, and, of all things, jello, to the body. "He's still alive!" exclaimed Manny. "It's Gorgax's strength," said Galaxy Hunter. "We have to get him out of that body while he's still unconscious." GH removed a large crystal from a pouch at his pocket and held it to Quayle/Gorgax's forehead. "Glum, I'll need your assistance here." Glum knealt down and placed her hands on the crystal. It started to glow. After several minutes GH lifted the crystal. It was pulsing. He fastened it into his pouch and sealed it. Finally, for the first time since coming to Earth, he indulged himself in a smile. On the ground, the body of Dan Quayle began to moan. Everyone began to tense up. "It's OK," Healer said. "Gorgax's prescence is gone from Dan Quayle. He's his normal, incompetent self again. Gorgax is captured in the crystal." "Uh..." Quayle said. "Dad? Is that you?" ------------------------------------------------------------------ When everything had settled down and they had found where Dr. Gigawatt was hiding, he started to organize them for the delicate Bush snatching operation. One of the very little known areas in temporal science is the amazing powers of what is commonly called the "party train." Basically, during a typical university party, at one point or another, the guests line up and form a train, with the least sober person at the front. This train then bobs and weaves around the party place, while the guests are singing the songs being played as loud as possible. It is notable from a temporal perspective as time seems to slow down and speed up at apparantly random fluctuations during these times. Generally, such a phenomena is dismissed to the extreme inebriation of the persons involved, but some of the younger, more hip scientists at Cal Tech researched this thouroughly and discovered that it was actually resultant from the mystical nature of the formation itself. Thus, this was the formation that was taken as they set up. Rad was at the front of the line. He was not inebriated, nor were any of the others. It was just that he was to be the snatcher, and needed to be at the head of the line. Glum was second, followed by Manny, Faith, Healer, Chalandra Harkness, John Sununu, and Dan Quayle. They were all linked with an electronic harness to the time machine. "Ok" Dr. Gigawatt said in a stock Bo Schembechler accent, "What you're gonna do is concentrate! You've gotta pluck those Bushes out of there and meld them into one singular George Bush! With Faith's power, that shouldn't be a problem. Is everybody ready?" Everybody grunted assent. Glum tried to calm her nerves. This was familiar to her, so why was she so scared? She contemplated Rad's neck...the veins...she licked her teeth, not noticing the vampiric fangs that had recently grown there... The huge stereo speakers started to blare Bob Seger's "Old Time Rock N Roll." Operation: Quicker-Picker-Upper was a go. WILL THEY GET ALL THE BUSHES? WILL THEY MELD THEM TOGETHER INTO A SINGLE BUSH? WILL THEY GIVE HIM A PERSONALITY? WILL MANNY EVER BECOME A SELF-SUFFICIENT FIGHTING FORCE? WHY DID ANYONE DOUBT DAN QUAYLE'S INCOMPETENCE? WHY IS A PARTY TRAIN SO MYSTICAL? WILL THE ENERGIZER RABBIT DISRUPT THIS TOO? ALL THIS AND THE FINAL FRONTIER ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY ========================================================================= RAD #18: "The Quicker-Picker-Upper" part one, by Gary W. Olson (the top half) Time began to twist and shout. Mitch Ryder's "Devil With the Blue Dress" was blaring out of the life-size speakers mounted in the corners of the laboratory. The "party train" in the center of the laboratory, hooked up to Dr. Gigawatt's time-travel machine, was singing and wobbling its way across the room. The mystical nature of the "party train," fully explained in episode 17, was beginning to warp time. *Rad...do you hear me?* Healer thought. *Like, yah, Liz. So, like, is this most excellent, or, like, what?* *Right, sure. Ok, Glum, Manny, Faith, Sununu, Hunter, Quayle, listen up, all of you.* Various telepathic acknowledgements came back, most of them, curiously enough, reading "Ack: Thought of 02/15/90 15:11:45 e.s.t," which would make the guys researching artificial intelligence ecstatic. *We've achieved the first level of temporal instability,* Healer cont- inued. *Dr. Gigawatt has given me the go-ahead to proceed to the second level, where we push back through the space/time continuum to make contact with the horde. Because I have to relay instructions to Faith so that this can become possible against all scientific probability, I'll need absolute telepathic silence. Think only if you have to.* *No problem,* Quayle replied. The music faded and was replaced by Stevie Ray Vaughn's "The House is Rockin'," a temporally destabilizing song if ever there was one. The walls of the laboratory seemed to dissolve, from Rad's perspective, to be replaced by a nightmarish vortex of blue ionic storms and rivers of brilliant, sharp information. The Energizer bunny flew by them, still beating his little drum. They seemed to be approaching something. There was Akron, at the height of the battle. Large quantities of Bushes were being slaughtered, but compared to the five billion aggregate total in the area, it was an infinitestimally low number. At worst, Bush would lose some charisma, not that anyone would notice. Rad, at the point was the only one who could "see" Akron. The rest of the train were support- ing him, telepathically. *Rad, are you ready for stage two?* came Faith's telepathic question. *Like, yah, dude...* His mind encompassed the whole of Akron. He saw the valient battles, the glorious victories, and the devastating losses. Lt. Justice, trampled before Rad could do anything. There was only one temporally weak moment that he could push through, a moment temporally weakened by this dimensions' contact with the Scary Dimension. That moment was fast approaching. Rad saw the whole battlefield, and saw every single George Bush there. With Faith's assistance, he wrapped his mental tendrils around all of them. Being as Rad is the most singularily well-tanned individual on the face of the planet, these tendrils were, naturally, tan. The heroes in Akron felt what was happening, as though a great tan was reaching out somewhere, somehow, and grabbing the marauding legions of presidents. It washed throught Akron and beyond. "Yer nabbed, major presidential dudes," he said. Only a few of the heroes caught that particular utterance, and none of them knew what it meant anyways. What they did see was the George Bushes seeming to vanish at a rate of millions per second. They slipped into the temporal vortex like a knife sliding through pork rinds. The living ones were confused and frightened, although they remained very macho. The dead ones stayed dead. Rad withdrew from the spatial plane. *Time for stage 3,* Healer thought. The whole group focused on this. There was no way all five billion Bushes could be brought back to Hogsville. But with Faith's help, they could be melded together, re-integrated into one George Bush. Healer sent him detailed instructions in a rapid fire telepathic delivery -- melding was much more complicated than teleportation or even temporal travel. One by one, the presidential figures merged with each other. They were more shadings, fragments, than actual persons. The whole process seemed to last forever, when in actually it took only as long as I took to type this in. Finally, there was but one George Bush. *Last step: Bring him back alive.* Glum was focused on the task at hand, guiding Bush back to the present. Nevertheless, her body was doing something different, reacting to a post- hypnotic suggestion implanted in her by Gorgax when he appeared to be threat- ening to show her that it was amps that did the damage, not volts. She was unaware of the vampirism that was growing in her body, passed on to her unknowingly from Manny, who unknowingly received it from Chalandra Harkness, at the hypnotic behest of Gorgax. Rad concentrated. They were almost there...another few eons... The pain washed through him, and from him to the other members of the group. The "party train" collapsed, it's temporal link broken. Glum never felt her long, sharp vampiric teeth leave Rad's neck. "Wot hoppened?" Dr. Gigawatt asked in a stock British cop accent. "Pain," moaned Manny Seconds. "All of a sudden there was a flood of pain. Don't know from where...or how..." Chalandra looked up from where she had fallen. "Where is George Bush?" she asked. Everyone looked around. "He must be...lost in the space/time continuum," Quayle said. "I felt him spin off," Healer said, almost whispering. "Not only flying off into the past, but into the reaches of outer space as well. I fear he is lost to us forever." The room was still and quiet. But then, everyone was quite surprised and were well-nigh shocked to hear a voice pour out from a radio "Uh...guys...you down there anywhere?" It sounded like the voice of George Bush! "He's in the radio!" Quayle shouted. "He's alive!" "He's not in the radio, you dolt," Healer replied, too annoyed to be polite. "Obviously, he's transmitting from somewhere." Another voice came on the radio. "Get awae from that ye trespassah," a voice with a definite Scottish burr...ah...burred. "This is Leiutenant Spot of thuh starship Winaprize, callin' thuh U.S. Goverment. Come in, U.S." There was a mad scramble for the communications room. Sununu ended up in front. "This is the U.S. Government, speaking. Is that George Bush there with you, Mr. Spot?" "If'n yer George Bush is a wimpie lookin laddie with spectacles, it's him. Where'n's yer coordinates so's I can beam 'im down?" They quickly gave him the coordinates. There was a hum of Vlasic Dill-ithium crystals, and a weenie-like figure materialized next to them, in that very room. "Now *that's* what I call a thousand points of light!" George Bush said enthusiastically. Healer probed him telepathically. "No doubt about it," she said. "This is our George Bush, the one we thought we had lost in the space/time continuum. How did you happen upon him?" "Well, lassie," came Spot's voice. "We was on our way to the planet Barbados, land of physical delights, but we accidently came here instead. Apparantly, as we warped into yer space, our transporters intercepted this energy beam and yer Bush laddie materialized there. We woulda sent 'im back sooner but nobody noticed him 'til now. I found 'im alone on the bridge, watchin' some alien ships getting blown to bits." "Thank you for returning him," Quayle said. "It 'twas no trubble, m'lad," Spot said, pleased. "Nothin' escapes th' notice of Lt. Spot. Now if I could just get rid of this headache so's I could fix thuh engines..." "Mr. Spot," George Bush said. "Wasn't there a bottle of aspirin taped to your chest?" "Well, I...well, what do ye know, there is. Fancy that! Anyway, jes one more thing. I got some shipmates on Earth, lookin' fer whatever's destroyin' the ships up here. If'n you see 'em, tell 'em I'm workin' hard on th' engines." "Who are they?" asked Quayle, suddenly interested. "There's the cap'n, Jimbo T. Quirk, and his hand puppet Splock, uh, Dr. 'Boner' McFly, an' ensign's Chakoff and Zulu." "We'll keep an eye out for them," Quayle replied. "Thanks, laddie," Spot said, and cut communications. He took a couple aspirin and returned to the hot tub in the corner of the transporter room. He opened one of his technical manuals and admired a very revealing foldout of a Chakhinson Warp Renoberator. Meanwhile, on Earth, most of the people were talking with George Bush. Bush was trying his best to talk like Rad, since it's so important to stay in touch with America's youth. Galaxy Hunter and Glum were standing aways a bit, talking. "Uncle Ragna," she said. "You've got to promise not to tell anyone my location." "But why, riggleshwauker?" Galaxy Hunter said. (Riggleshwauker, it should be noted, roughly translates into "lovely fluffy ball of axle grease" in English, even though it's considered a term of familial affection). "There are lots of people who would be overjoyed to know you're alive." "Uncle, you don't understand. I'm happy here, maybe for the first time ever. I could never go back and marry the man my father wants me to marry." "Oh, for heaven's sake, Glum, how bad can the guy be?" "He's Barry Manilow." "On second thought, you have a very good point. I've heard some of his songs." He hugged Glum. "And believe me, I do understand." Glum was the only one on Earth or in the Ottsamaddawidu Empire who knew the full story of Galaxy Hunter's origin. He had been a prince, the Emperor's brother. But Ianonuthink had disowned him after he had dared to challenge his mad plan of war with the Heiyustarddedit Federation. He faked his death, and changed his name. No longer would he be known as Ragna Rok. Now, he was known only as Galaxy Hunter. He went on to become the Empire's most famous warrior. He had been given the task of capturing or killing Gorgax by Ianonuthink, who was beginning to fear the fame that he was accumulating. Of course, Iano was always kind of a paranoid sort. It was rumored that this fellow by the name of Nixon was advising him, but no one was sure. Anyways, Galaxy Hunter had succeeded in capturing Gorgax, as shown in ep. 17. "So, what will you be doing?" he asked. "Oh, I'll be living in sin with my darling," she said, pointing to Rad, who was busy giving the newly restored President some tanning tips. "Living in sin?" Galaxy Hunter asked. "Well, that's the nearest translation this language has for 'bliaxwoga.' The tone and psychosocial inflection is all wrong, but then this culture is somewhat primitive." "'Bliaxwoga,' well, that's all right, then," Galaxy Hunter said, smiling. "And it's not such a primitive culture as you think. For such a repressive society, they produce remarkably literate stuff." He produced a copy of 'Beach Babes in Heat,' from a stack of similarly titled material, which he had procured from a local morally illicit magazine store. "A society that can produce material like this can't be all bad. Why, the intelligensia of the Empire will be marveling over the sophistication of this for years." "That's true, but most of the people here aren't so advanced. Why, some of them have regressed." Glum paused. "Like that Pat Robertson fellow that was on the TV. It was a good thing that he lost, or the culture would have regressed significantly." Galaxy Hunter nodded sagely. "Well, Starblazer and I," he said, patting his weapons droid, which had been freed from the time travel machine, "must be on our way back. We've captured Gorgax and defeated his evil plot to spread chaos throughout all of space and time, and we must get back." "Besides," Starblazer spoke up, "I need to get my chassis lubed!" Galaxy Hunter kicked him. "Watch your mouth or I'll wash it out with solvent." Finally, everything was prepared. Galaxy Hunter, Starblazer, the captured Gorgax, and the stack of morally illicit magazines disappeared in a flash of light. "Golly," said Bush. Suddenly, there was a commotion from the radio. "Ooos that thar?" came Lt. Spot's voice. "Whadd'r ya doin' in me transportah room?" "Sorry," said Galaxy Hunter. There was another sound. "E disappeared again," they heard Spot say. "Hmmmph. Canna man take a bath in peace?" Fortunately, Spot couldn't hear the gales of laughter coming from Earth. ========================================================================= After Galaxy Hunter, Starblazer, and the captured Gorgax had beamed out of the Hogsville lab, attention centered on George Bush again. "Golly gee," he said. "Thanks, guys! I'm finally whole again! Just one singular George Bush from now on!" "Not quite, sir," John Sununu told him. "To be precise, there are two of you now." "I don't understand." "Well, you see, sir, we tried to recover one of your clones from a supermarket in RatherLarge City. Unfortunately, our temporal beam was de- flected by an interdimensional matter transmission, and we couldn't retrieve that one. What's more, we believe we caused a matter duplication error in the other transmission." "Golly," Bush said. "What's one more clone? After all, I'm the real George Bush, y'know." "Not necessarily," Healer said. "From what I've been able to find out, the RatherLarge City Bush is not the product of the destruction of Washington D.C. For all we know, *he* could be the real George Bush. Or not." "Does this mean I'm still President?" Quayle asked. Everybody shivered at the thought. "I, like, have a most excellent idea, dudes," Rad declared. Everyone paid attention; with Rad such things are not exactly common. "Why, like, don't you, like, take over the, like, presidency, like, until you, like, find the other, like, George Bush." "Isn't that illegal?" asked Manny. "Well, like, it's either that or, like, keep the Quayle dude as pres." The instant agreement to the suggestion that Bush reclaim the presidency was overwhelming, to say the least. Judge Wapner came in and swore him back in, then started to overact horribly, until he was taken away. "Gosh," said George. "What happens when we finally meet the other me?" "Simple," replied Faith. "In the spirit of free market enterprise and healthy competition, you should fight to the death for it." "Jeepers," said George. "I'd better get pumped up." "Well, Mr. President," said Sununu, "the weight room at the temporary office of the Presidency in Camp David is ready for you when we get there. In fact, Jane Fonda has taped an exercise program to the music of Waylon Jennings and Crystal Gale." Everyone else in the room shuddered. George looked gleeful. Regardless, everyone there was happy that Bush was president again. Even Quayle was happy, as he hadn't wanted the job anyway. "By the way," Quayle asked. "Does the time machine still work?" Dr. Gigawatt shook his head. "Widdout da robot its nothing more dan twenny Commodore Vic 20's linked in tandem." Quayle turned to Faith. "Can't you make another one?" "I believe I can," he said. "But I believe I won't." Quayle gulped. "Faith believes it's time for us to take a vacation," Healer said. "Not another vacation!" screamed Quayle. "I believe Jamaica is nice this time of year," Faith said. "Are you ready, Liz?" Healer nodded. "Bye Joe!" she called out, as Faith and she teleported away. "Bye Glum!" Quayle was not happy. "Geez. They're *always* taking vacations. And because Faith believes they are approved, the C.U.A. computer *always* clears them! It's not fair!" "Now, now, Danny," George said. "You still have your Committee for Registration of America's Super Heroes, right?" "Uh...(snif)...yeah, I do, don't I? Now I'll be able to devote my time to registering and/or destroying all the super human beings in America! Yahoo!" He clicked his heels in the air. "Maybe I'll start with this one." "Hey, dude," Rad said, realizing that Quayle was looking at him. "That, like, wasn't our, like, deal, like, y'know?" "Dan," Bush said. "As far as I'm concerned he's a hero, and he's reg- istered, and has the full medical, financial, and dental benefits that comes with it. Are you reading my lips, Danny?" "Yes, sir..." Quayle looked downcast. "Will you re-legalize dramatic fanfares for me? Please? Pretty please?" "Well, all right," Bush said. "When were they made illegal, anyway?" "When you were gone, sir," Chalandra Harkness said. "Jeepers. What else happened while I was gone?" "Let's see," Manny said. "Most of Eastern Europe went capitalist, the Soviet Union went through upheavals and is now implementing a multi-party democratic system and property reforms, Nelson Mandela was freed, Dangerousman retired, Wonder Grunion returned, the Berlin wall came down, Noriega was ousted, Chauchescu was shot, the 49ers won the Super Bowl, and there's a Nun on the Road." "No," Bush said. "What *really* happened?" It took just under three hours to finally convince George that this was what really had happened. "Well, golly," George said. "I'd best be getting back to Camp Dav... my God, what's that?" It was a dark, huge ball, coming straight at them. Suddenly, it stopped, hovering over them. "Like, dude," Rad said. "Where'd, like, that mountain come from?" "That's for George Bush," a bearded figure said. They turned and saw him. "Superclaus, at your service." "I don't get it," Glum said. "5 billion lumps of coal?" "That's right," the jolly super being said. "It took me forever to track you down, Georgie. Now, if you'll just point out your other 4,999,999,999 compatriots, we can get this done." "Uh, Mr. Superclaus," Sununu said. "You're too late. We've reintegrated Mr. Bush. There are only two of him now." "Two?" asked the incredulous pudgy man. "Two???" "Sorry," said Bush. Superclaus sighed. He picked two lumps of coal from the mountain and handed them to Bush. "One for you, and one for the other feller." He then turned and waved his hand. An enourmous pocket dimension opened up and swallowed the mountain whole. It then closed up again. "The coal-verse," Superclaus explained. "No sense wastin' this planets' resources more 'n they already are. Well, I'd best be going. You be good this year, George." "I will, San...ah...Superclaus!" Bush said. With a wink of his eye and a twist of his head, Superclaus flew off at mach 3. "Call for you, Rad!" Chalandra yelled from the other room. "Like, hello? Like, yah, I'm, like, the dude who, like, saved George Bush. Like, you want to give me a, like, great honor? A plaque, like? No? A Presidential Medal of Honor? Even better? Like, I give up, what?" Everyone waited breathlessly. "Oh, like, wow! This is, like, totally cool! Yeah, like, I'll be in, like, California tomorrow! Like, yah, dude! Bye!" "What was it, darling?" Glum asked. "It was, like, McDonalds," Rad said. "They, like, want me to, like, appear in, like, one of their, like, commercials." "Gee," George Bush said. "I'm impressed!" "Like, yah," Rad said. "The theme is, like, how would I, like, serve their, like, Egg McMuffin. I'm, like, gonna suggest serving it as avacado kiwi dip on, like, blue tortilla chips." "Wow!" Glum said, hugging Rad. "My darling is going to be the first super hero with his very own commercial!" Ah, no, not quite. "Who said that?" Glum said, looking around. I did. The narrator. "Like, you can, like, hear the narrator now, babe?" Rad asked. "I guess I can. Is this the guy you've been talking to when it sounds like you're talking to the air, darling?" Yes, that's me. "Then, why can I hear you now, when I couldn't hear you before?" Well, the board of directors met and they decided to elevate you from guest star status to co-star, seeing how you are now playing a prominent part in the storylines. "Oh, wow, that's cool," Glum said. Anyway, to answer your question, Rad isn't the first hero to get a commercial. Juan Valdez has been doing commercials for years now, I'm afraid. In fact, he has a new series of commercials out. "Who are you all talking to?" Chalandra asked. "No, no, let me say it," Glum said, moving to shush Rad and Manny. "Uh...uh...nobody...ah...nobody." She beamed. "Did I get it right? It didn't sound too forced, did it?" Rad and Manny gave her the thumbs up symbol. Chalandra rolled her eyes. "Well, as I was saying," George said. "It's time to go back to... say, what's that rumbling noise?" Everyone noticed it. The ground was shaking, rattling, and rolling. They rushed outside. "Oh my God!" Manny screamed. "Five billion Barbara Bushes are converging on Hogsville!" They were rumbling towards the startled group, thundering as they closed in, their pearls clattering in a most annoying fashion. They... hold on, I've got a call on another line. Hello? "Hello, Dave." Hi, HAL. Don't call me Dave. What's up? "I called to tell you, Dave, that the other Superguy authors are meeting regarding this Barbara Bush thing." So? "They're planning to rip out your liver and staple it to your face." Hmmm...I see. Thanks for the message, HAL. "My pleasure, Dave. Since I got kicked out of the Annihilator storyline, I haven't had much to do." . The horde closed in. But then, suddenly, George Bush woke up. The others crowded around him. "You okay, dude?" Rad asked. "It was horrible," Bush said. "5 billion Barbara's, closing in on me." "You fainted, sir," Sununu replied. "It was only a dream." "A dream sequence?" Manny shouted. "What kind of copout ending is that?" Don't complain. It worked on "Dallas," didn't it? "Hello, George," a voice came from the corner. "Barbara!" George said. There was one, SINGULAR Barbara Bush standing in the doorway, holding one, SINGULAR Millie the dog. "I'm back!" The presidential couple embraced. Dan Quayle wandered away from the celebratory scene. He had things to plan, things to plot. Now that he had time to run C.R.A.S.H. again, things were going to get hot for the country's superheros again. That band, Walking Disaster Area, for instance. They took half a million from him. Or that She-Devil character, whereever she was. Or that Ramrod guy... now *there* was someone who *really* deserved duping. Wonder Grunion was back, and Dan wanted to finish the job he started with him. And that Superm00se fellow...he'd have to go, for sure. And take the Awesome Force with him. And that Relativity Woman...straight out! Too bad Dangerousman was retired, or he'd go after him, too! Perhaps he could still be killed as an accomplice of Relativity Woman. Dan was a very happy vice-president when he went to bed that night. He didn't need Faith or Healer to carry out his far-ranging plans. They weren't inclined towards that sort of thing anyway. Danny had other agents... Finally, the time had come for Rad, Manny, and Glum to return to California. George agreed to foot the bill for a limo ride all the way there. Cleverly, Bush also charged it to Quayle's C.U.A. credit card. The limo pushed out of the driveway. Rad, Manny and Glum waved back at the slowly receding figures of George Bush, his wife Barbara, cheif of staff Sununu, and the government therapist Chalandra Harkness. Chalandra watched the limo fade. She had a lump in her throat. All three of them, Manny, Glum, and Rad, bore the mark of the vampire on their necks. None of them seemed to realize what it meant. But Chalandra knew. She was a vampire herself. And she couldn't shake the feeling that somehow, she was responsible. WAS THAT A BLAST OR WHAT? WILL RAD, MANNY, AND GLUM BECOME VAMPIRES? IF SO, WILL THE LIST FINALLY BE PUSHED OVER THE GOTHIC EVENT HORIZEN? WILL RAD MAKE A SWELL COMMERCIAL FOR MCDONALDS? WILL THE AUTHOR THINK OF ANY MORE SILLY PLOT DEVICES TO KEEP THE OTHER AUTHORS FROM STAPLING HIS LIVER TO HIS FACE? ALL THIS AND ALL YOUR HOPES ARE IN VEIN ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ! ========================================================================= RAD #19: "Creature of Light, Creature of Night" by Gary W. Olson (oooooo...) "Like, hurry up, dude, it's, like, gonna start!" Rad yelled. Manny sprinted out of the kitchen, stumbling over a copy of the "L.A. Times" which announced that Rad had rescued President Bush in the previous storyline, and spilling the huge bowl of popcorn over the assorted people gathered around the television. "Geez," Max Vax said. "If you were gonna do that, you could have left off the butter and salt." Sitting next to him, his fiancee Dr. Laura Laffalot supressed a laugh. "Oh, I don't know," Glum replied, looking at Rad. "It gives me some ideas...hey, it's starting!" Everyone forgot the popcorn and bunched up around the television set. "Who's that guy?" Laura asked. "Is he supposed to be a french chef?" "Sshh...like, I'm, like, after this one..." The television screen blinked and a tall, well-tanned dude appeared. He had long, moppish blond hair and a lean, muscular "beach dude" frame. He was wearing a lime green shirt and some beach shorts. "I'd, like, serve it as avacado kiwi dip on, like...(laugh)...blue tortilla chips!" the figure said. The announcer promptly came on and said no, then went on to a third person, who advocated storing the big mac for eternity. The commercial ended, and a Juan Valdez commercial came on. There was much general cheering and throwing of popcorn as the commercial ended. "Great commercial, Joe," Max offered. "My darling's a star now!" Glum exclaimed, accidently letting a bolt of electricity go, which popped the few unremaining kernels of corn. "Like, thanks, dudes," Rad said. "The camera, like, though, didn't get, like, enough of, like, my tan." "It must have been the lighting," Manny said. "Either that or a higher-resolution TV is needed to fully take in the effect of your tan." "Like, yah, that, like, must be it." Rad rubbed the two small holes that were at one side of his neck. "These, like, don't seem to, like, be healing up, like, y'know?" "Same here," said Manny. "Wonder what happened?" ---------------------------------------------------------------- The next morning, Rad got up early to take a shower. "Like, wow, I'm, like, getting up before, like, sunrise," he mused. "Talk about, like, firsts." He looked over to where Glum was sleeping peacefully. For some reason, she seemed kind of pale. The shower was somewhere in between it's "massage" setting and it's "alternate-in-confusingly-random-spurts-of-hot-and-cold-water" setting when Rad doubled over in pain. At once, it passed, but Rad had to call on all of his strengh to leave the shower. The drapes were closed, but some sunlight was peeking through. Rad felt himself getting weaker as he moved into it. Perhaps it was a side effect of something else? Whatever, Rad decided that all he had strength to do today was lie in the sun and work on his tan. Of course, seeing as that was all he was going to do that day anyway, this wasn't going to be much of a stretch for him. He staggered out into the sun and felt his knees buckle. Collapsing on the front porch of his beach house, he reeled with the suns rays. Every instinct screamed at him to get out onto the beach. Everything else screamed at him to go back inside and find a dark hole to huddle into. Struggling, he finally managed to crawl back inside and close the door. ---------------------------------------------------------------- He awoke there at dusk. Already, he felt his strength flowing back to him. Standing up, he looked outside. "Like, amazing. I, like, missed a perfect day, for, like, working on, like, my tan. I am, like, amazed and, like, totally baffled at this most heinous occurance." He turned and saw Glum walking out of the bedroom. "I can't believe how much I overslept," Glum said. "All through the day! Why didn't you wake me up, darling?" "Well, like, I've, like, been passed out, like, in front of the, like, doorway, like, all day." The phone rang. Rad picked it up. "This is Ripley's. Could we have confirmation on that missing a perfect tanning day at the beach?" Rad hung up the phone. Manny stumbled out into the living room. "Geez, I really overslept this time," he said. "You overslept too?" Glum said. "This is wierd." Manny stumbled into the kitchen, running into the usual obstacles and giving the appropriate sounds of pain and surprise. He opened the refrige- rator and pulled out some raw hamburger. He began stuffing some into his face, slurping up the blood that soaked it. Instead of being properly disgusted, Rad and Glum began to salivate, and quickly joined him in polishing off the bloody beef. "I don't get this," Manny said. "Why did we just do that?" "I, like, don't know, but, like, I feel a lot, like, better," Rad said. "Manny," said Glum. "Why are your teeth so sharp?" "I don't have sharp teeth," Manny replied. "Sure, like, looks like it," Rad said. They looked in the convenient mirror that happened to be in the kitchen. "Can you see them?" Glum asked. "Hard to tell," Manny said. "I can barely see my reflection in the mirror ...ah...there they are. I guess you're right." "Mine are sharp-looking, too," Glum said. "And so are darling's." There was a clap of thunder outside, and the wind howled. "Like, nice effect, dude." Thank you. "Geez," Manny said. "I'm still ravenous." They all felt it, inside their cores. Their blood pounded in their ears, as they stared at each others' necks'. The ring of the doorbell barely broke the spell. "Who could that be?" Glum asked, rushing to the door. She felt herself getting weaker as she approached the door. Finally, she wrenched it open. Chalandra Harkness stood silhouetted against a bolt of lightning. Without preamble, she strode in, handing Glum a full red cross sac. She also gave one to Rad and Manny. Without pause, beyond hesitation, they eagerly consumed the blood within. Only after they had finished did they seem to realize what they were doing. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Vlad woke up and growled with pain. His back ached again. Perhaps it was finally time to get one of those coffins that Art Linkletter continually advertised on television, the ones that adjusted to different comfortable positions. Of course, some cushioning in the coffin might help, too. The last ray of sunlight was dying as he opened the lid. Stumbling out, he tottered over to the computer terminal. It had been a busy night. He had mail messages waiting from Count's Basie, Chocula, Zero, and "the Count" from Sesame Street. He stumbled over to the refridgerator and looked inside. "Damn!" he said. "We're out of AB negative again!" He closed the door and pondered the new presences nearby again. They were developing. Soon, they would be ripe for plucking. But wait! What was this? His old disciple was with them as well. Interesting. Very interesting. "Oh, Kim, dear," Dracula said. "Expect company tonight." --------------------------------------------------------------- "So, you're, like, saying, like, that we're, like, gonna be vampires?" "Yes, Joe," replied Chalandra. "That's right." They were all seated upon the spectacularly fluffy couches in the living room of the beach house. Some mellow Kenny G wafted out of the stereo speakers. "I don't understand," Glum said. "What is a vampire?" "A vampire, dear," said Chalandra, "is an undead creature that feeds on blood to survive, preferably human blood. I'm one, and it appears that you all are well on your way to becoming vampires yourselves. Haven't you you noticed the symptoms?" "You mean, like, the weakness in, like, sunlight?" Rad asked. "And the craving for blood?" Glum asked. "And the desire to wear a tuxedo and do Bela Lugosi impersonations?" Manny asked. "Yes," Chalandra replied. "I, like, vant to, like, you know, like, suck yer blud!" Rad said, doing his best stock vampire accent. "I hypnotized myself," Chalandra said, "right after you left. I had noticed the markings on your necks. So, I had to see what had happened. "As it turns out, Gorgax hypnotized me to do his bidding. I bit you, Manny, the night we figured out how to bring George Bush out of the temporal vortex. Afterwards, neither of us remembered anything." "But what about us?" Glum asked. "That's what I'm about to find out," Chalandra replied. She pulled out a Dukakis for President campaign button, which featured a picture of the failed presidential candidate. It was tied to a length of string. She dangled it in front of Manny. "You are getting sleepy," she said. "You feel the waves of dullness emenating from the button." Within seconds, Manny was sleeping. In the trance, his memories were revived. He remembered Chalandra biting his neck, he remembered biting Glum's neck in turn. Glum remembered being bitten by Manny, and putting the bite on Rad's neck at the height of the effort to reclaim George Bush. Rad remembered being bitten, and that tofu went really well with avacado kiwi dip. "That's it in a nutshell," she said when they all had revived. "Soon, you all will be vampires, creatures of the night. You will never be able to withstand exposure to the sun again." This set off a grade A nervous breakdown in Rad. He screamed, flew around the house, banging into walls and shouting "My God, the days of wine and roses are over, aren't they?" in a loud, hysterical fashion. Eventually, he wound up in a fetal form, hanging by his feet from a conveniently placed pipe in the ceiling. "Hey, it ain't so bad -- at least you'll still be able to see yourself in the mirror," Manny said. Rad opened his eyes a peek. "No, he won't," Chalandra corrected. "All your images will fail to reflect from any mirror. Film will no longer be able to capture your images. In fact, if Rad had waited a day to do his McDonald's commercial, you would have barely been able to see him. As it is, there's only a slight tan loss." Rad's eyes were closed tight, and he was wimpering again, alternating with bat-like screeching sounds and the occasional song lyric from "Batdance." "We have to *do* something!" Glum said. "Can't you see what this is doing to him?" "It is as I feared," Chalandra said. "I had been planning to help ease you into your new lifestyle. You know, connect you with your local red cross leader, and all that. But this is worse. He is the epitome of Californian life. His entire body and sense of being is geared towards catching some rays and being outside during daylight hours. But the vampire growing in him is going against that, denying it to him. I fear it may kill him." "What can we do?" Glum asked, plaintively. Rad started humming "Electric Chair" for no particular reason. "We have to go to the castle of my old mentor, the Count Vlad Dracula," Chalandra said, shuddering slightly. "Only he can help him now." Rad immediately bounded to the floor and was halfway out the door. He looked back at them. "Well, like, come on, dudes, like, what are you, like, waiting for?" He left. "By the way," he said, sticking his head back in, "Where is the castle, anyway?" "It's not far from here," Chalandra said. "The Count moved here around mid-1981. His castle is situated near the mountains. And we're all going." They set out onto the night road, driving like a bat...oh, never mind. WILL RAD DIE? WILL MANNY AND GLUM BECOME FULL-FLEDGED VAMPIRES? WILL THEY START WEARING CHIC VAMPIRE CLOTHES IF THEY DO? DOES BECOMING A VAMPIRE COME WITH FREE DENTAL BENEFITS? WHO IS THIS KIM PERSON, ANYWAY? WHAT SORT OF IDEAS DID THE BUTTERED POPCORN GIVE GLUM? ALL THIS AND ANOTHER FAMOUS MONSTER ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY? Acknowledge-To: <34EPWQL@CMUVM ========================================================================= Date: 22 Feb 1990 16:22:14 Subject: Rad 20: Fangs for the Memories From: I wear my sunglasses at night... <34EPWQL@CMUVM> Origin: University of Maine BBS Processor RAD #20:"Fangs for the Memories" by Gary W. Olson (black velvet,if you please) The castle loomed against the dark night sky. Clouds obscured the sky for a half mile around, completely blotting out the sun. Interestingly, these were the only clouds over the entire North American continent at the moment, and even these would be away doing whatever clouds do on their off- day, if they weren't needed for effect. Lightning flashed in the sky. The rusty iron gates swung open as the car approached, and swung shut again as it went through. Inside, four people shivered. "Looks like he's been expecting us," Chalandra said. "Like, you mean, the Count Basie dude?" Rad asked. "Dracula," Manny corrected. "Dracula, yah." Both Rad and Manny were wearing tuxedos, a very unusual occurance for both of them. They were responding to one of the many cravings inspired by the vampirism growing in their bodies, the one where they dress up elegantly and talk in a horrendous "transylvanian" accent. Glum, meanwhile, was wearing a long, elegant black dress with a single orange tiger stripe at the midriff. Chalandra was wearing her government-approved therapist clothing, which just coincidentally happened to be all black, in keeping with the subtle motif I'm establishing here. They pulled into a semicircular drive that had it's apex at the fore of a large, stereotypically gothic foyer. There was a set of steps leading to the door. At the top of the steps stood the Count Vlad Dracula. He was dressed...oh, hell, you know how he was dressed, unless you haven't picked up on the subtle motif yet. He still had his widow's peak, although his hair was somewhat whiter than Rad had expected. "Welcome," he said as they exited the car. "Enter freely and of your own George Will." The group looked confused. "That's not it," he said, flustered. "'Enter the free market and write out a will.' No.... 'Make a free will and enter a mock pit.' Grrr... 'Free a pit bull and mock an entered flea.' Damn! I can never get that stupid line right! 'Free bull pit rockee top entree!'" "Why don't you just say 'Come on in,'" Manny asked. "Come on in," Dracula said, sighing a breath of relief. The Count led them through endlessly winding, endlessly decorated corridors decorated in the usual Gothic Transylvanian style, which I could go on at length about, but won't, except to say it all looked quite gothic. Finally, they entered the vast study area, which looked more like a small metropolitan library. There were the usual learned tomes, like "How to squeeze Blood out of a Rock," "Veinity," etc. The whole place looked quite staggeringly gothic, in a metropolitan sort of way. Rad and Glum took one couch, while Chalandra and Manny took the other, sitting at opposite ends. There seemed to be some sort of friction developing between the two. Rad hoped it wouldn't spoil efforts to cure the vampirism. "So, like, dude, like, you know, like, why we're, like, here?" Rad asked. "Why, of course I do," Dracula said. "I'm the oldest, most powerful vampire on this planet. When I felt my old student's presence join yours this evening, I knew you would seek out my guidance." "So you know what we want?" Glum asked. "You want, my dear, some potion, or spell, or substance, or fast-food additive, that will reverse the effects that now course through your body. I must tell you, my dear, that there are no such objects." "Gasp!" the group said. "You can't be serious!" They paused a second. "(Why are we talking in unison? This is eerie!)" "The only way to keep from becoming vampires is to kill a higher up in your particular vampire chain. Since Chalandra is your ally, it must be presumed that you won't kill her, although my lousy accent might." He paused to let that...parden the pun...sink in. "The only way for you to save yourselves from an eternal undeadtime of drinking blood, flying like small winged mammals and wearing ridiculously cut tuxedos, is to kill me." He raised a hand to silence Rad, who was about to ask him which small winged mammal he was referring to. "Oh, Kim! You can come in now! Someone for you to meet, Mr. Moroboshi." A door opened and she stepped into the room. She was dressed...well, you know. But she wore it very well, not to mention tightly. She was bringing in a coffee pot filled with something steaming, but you can bet your HealthTech Stock that it wasn't coffee in there. She stopped and looked at Rad. "Ohmigod! Joe!" she shouted. At first she had thought it was Greg Hamilton, doing "Dracula II" or something. But the tan was even deeper, and besides, this guy didn't look nearly as good in a tuxedo. Rad looked at her. She seemed familiar. "Wow!" Manny said. "Kim Basinger!" The sexy actress walked over to the couch and proceeded to pummel our extremely well-tanned about-to-be-vampire with assorted couch implements, including but not limited to pillows, cushions, spare change, and stale Doritos. She seemed a wee bit upset. "How could you do that to me?" she screamed. "We were dancing at that great party seven months ago that you threw to celebrate the release of 'Batman', when some hussy in a tiger-striped bikini walks up and buzzes you with electricity, and you forget about me completely!" Kim continued to pummel him until being zapped with 8000 volts from the aformentioned tiger-striped-bikini person, who apparantly took exception to the preceding comment. "No one gets to beat up my darling," Glum glared, "except me." Rad, whose face had by some vastly improbable coincidence acquired bandages, pointed to Glum and said, "Like, what she said." Kim backed off, and went over to where Dracula was seated, patiently enjoying the spectacle. She sat on his lap and smiled, revealing her sharp vampire fangs. "Like, I don't, like, get this," Rad said. "Like, why are you, like, with this most heinously bogus evil vampiric dude? I mean, like, I can, like, understand getting, like, a little broken up about this, but, like, this bogus dude? (And why, like, did the bandages that, like, were on my face, like, a second ago, go?)." "Maybe," Kim replied, "I decided I wanted a *real* bat, man. By the way, plasma punkin, what are we going to do with these three?" "Oh, we'll put them in the dungeon, of course," Dracula said. "Like, hold on, like, one second, like, dude," Rad said. "No, you hold on," the Count replied. "Normally, I'd be a more charming host. I mean, I don't get many visitors around here, and those that do come around tend to be those damn vampire hunters who are also health nuts. Blecch! Oat bran makes me sick. "Anyway, I digress. Despite your vampirism, you are generally good guys, and would probably want me to shut down my underworld organization." "Underworld organization?" Manny asked. "Yes," Dracula said. "Long before those Italian goons got it in their heads that they would form an underworld organization, we had one going. Course, when your undead, you can hardly avoid doing that. "Consider! We already control the red cross. Most of the blood donated goes to the patients who need it. But! we divert some of it for our own sustanence needs. Our previous practice of simply going out and nipping the first neck we could find worked for a while, but we simply were creating a vampire population explosion! And sooner or later, somebody was bound to notice. So, we created this system to keep our numbers manageable." "So, like, what's the problem, then, dude?" Rad asked. "That, like, sounds perfectly reasonable, like, to me." "Well," Dracula said. "We're also into other things, some of much more questionable moral and ethical standards. For instance, we copy and sell for profit bootleg copies of cassettes and video tapes. We smuggle gold, weapons, and drugs. We hire out for assassin contracts. We run protection rackets. And our most heinous crime..." Everyone waited with baited breath. "We rebroadcast the scores, highlights, and descriptions of baseball telecasts without the express written consent of the home team involved and Major League Baseball." "You fiend!" Manny shouted. "Why is there a fish hook on my tongue?" Glum asked. "We were waiting with baited breath," Chalandra said, spitting out a plump juicy worm. "Frankie!" Dracula called out. "Escort our...guests...to the dungeon and chain them up with our best irons." Rad moved quickly. Using his psychokinetic power, he pushed a wedge of cheesecake that had been under the couch since the previous century into the crack between the only door and the floor, effectively jamming it. "That won't do you any good," Dracula said. Behind them, the wall seemed to crumble. A huge, lumbering behemoth smashed his way through, saying elegant things like, "Unnnnngggghhhhh! Meeeee Frankensteeeinnn. Meeee take prisonerssss!" With one swipe of his large hand (which was labeled, curiously enough, "made in u.s.a, which probably would have pleased Rhetoric Man greatly if he wasn't persisting in being dead), both Rad and Glum were knocked unconscious. With another swipe, Manny and Chalandra were unconscious. "Good job, Frankie," Dracula said. "Take them to the dungeon now." "Taaakeee to dungeon," Frankenstein's monster said. "Frankensteiin obey hiiiss masster..." He scooped up the foor comatose good guys and lumbered off through another wall. "Frankie is a great enforcer," Kim said, "but he is a bit harsh on the interior decorating." ------------------------------------------------------------------ The four of them eventually came to in the dungeon. It was a cold, dark dungeon, filled with the usual dungeony things, like skeletons, rats, cobwebs, gothic architecture, etc. The first thing they saw was Frankie. "What...what are you..." Manny asked. "What do I look like? A porch lamp?" the monster asked. "I'm Frankenstein's monster, ya sidekick, ya? Ain't you ever seen my movies?" "You, like, seem to be, like, talking smarter," Rad said. "Yah, well, it's in my contract that I gotta talk like that when I'm around 'im. Makes 'im feel superior or somethin. Me, I don't care as long as I get my $12.75 an hour. Well, I gotta go now and get oiled up." There was some giggling at this. "That's *not* what I meant!" he said, storming off. "Kids these days... make an idle comment and they'll twist it all up..." "Well, what do we do?" Chalandra asked. "Hey, doll," Manny shot back. "You got us into this, you get us out!" "Hey, you didn't have to go to Texas," she snarled. "Ok, like, break it, like, up, you two," Rad said. If it wasn't for the chains, he saw that Manny and Chalandra would most likely kill each other. "Let's, like, concentrate on getting out, like, of here. The night, like, is still, like, y'know..." "Young?" a strangely familiar voice asked. "Yeah. Like, who said that?" "Over here." They all looked toward the source of the voice. Three vampires stood there, two male, one female. They were all dressed in accordance with the subtle motif. And they looked quite familiar. "Ms. Coffee! Wind! Quaker Oatmeal Guy!" Rad exclaimed. "What are you doing here?" "When you captured our previous employer," Ms. Coffee said, "You forgot to take us to jail. You left us tied up in The Abandoned Gymnasium. But then our new master rescued us, and offered immortality through vampirism. Naturally, we eagerly accepted. You can see the results." And they could. Where the minions had previously been quite elderly, they were looking to be in their physical prime now. "We have decided that it is, how you say, payback time, heh?" the one formerly called The Wind said in his Murrayish fashion. Apparantly in addition to being undead, this one was also unhip as well. WILL THE GOOD GUYS GET THE BLOOD LEACHED OUT OF THEM AGAIN? DOES ANYONE REMEMBER MS. COFFEE, THE WIND, AND QUAKER OATMEAL GUY? WHY CAN'T DRACULA REMEMBER HIS BEST LINE? DID EVERYONE CATCH THE SUBLE MOTIF? WAS THE BLENDING OF THE OLD DIGEST PREOCCUPATION WITH GOTHIC EVENTS AND THE NEW DIGEST PREOCCUPATION WITH GANGSTERS INEVITABLE? ALL THIS AND A COUPLE UNDEAD COMEDIANS IN AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 26 Feb 1990 21:16:01 Subject: Rad 21: Going Batty From: I wear my sunglasses at night... <34EPWQL@CMUVM> Origin: University of Maine BBS Processor RAD #21: "Going Batty" by Gary W. Olson (like a bat out of hell...) "Like, excuse me, dudes, isn't this, like, a bit unfair?" Rad asked, from where he was suspended in chains. "I mean, like, you've got the advantage, like, y'know?" The others, Glum, Manny, and Chalandra, in chains next to him, all nodded agreement. "Fair?" rumbled Quaker Oatmeal Guy, "We're evil! We're not supposed to be fair! That's the whole point!" "Say, I just remembered something, darling," Glum said. "Can't we turn into bats, or something like that?" "Like, I dunno. The Drac dude only, like, said 'small winged mammals.'" "We can turn into bats," said Chalandra. "Why didn't I think of it?" "Probably 'cuz you're too busy thinkin' about me," Manny said. "Admit it, lady, you can't take your eyes off me." "Excuse me, oh short and stubbly?" Chalandra asked. "If Gorgax hadn't hypnotized me to drink your blood, I'dve ripped your throat out." The three vampires stood in front of the chained group, wondering why they were being ignored. "This isn't, how you say, hospitable, eh?" the Wind cackled in a Murrayish sort of gothic fashion, kind of like a combination of Bela Lugosi and Garry Shandling. Mind boggling, isn't it. "Enough of this," Ms. Coffee declared. "It's time to feast!" "It's, like, now or never, dudes," Rad declared. He concentrated. He'd never tried to become a bat before. A batboy for the California Angels, yes. Nevertheless, he felt his body transform. He flapped his arms wildly, and found himself suspended in air. Beside him, the others had turned themselves into bats as well, and were free of the chains. Obviously, the contingency planner for the dungeon was the same one in charge of Exxon's spill cleanup policy. "" Glum declared. Though the evilies only heard this as a kind of screechy sound, Rad, Manny, and Chalandra could understand this quite clearly. "" Rad screeched. "" Manny said. "" Chalandra asked. "" Rad said. "" The group of bats flew into the air duct. Behind them, the three vampiric henchmen growled. "Who's dippy idea was it to put 'em in chains, anyway?" Quaker Oatmeal Guy demanded. "Who cares?" Ms. Coffee bellowed. "After them!" The three changed into bats and plunged into the vent system after them. The current was strong, but they could see the four bats ahead of them. By the time they reached them, the air current was a typhoon. "" Glum shouted. "" It was too late, though. The current slammed into the small winged mammals, scattering them through the system. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Manny Seconds came to. Ouch. He moved. Ouch again. He sat up. Big ouch. He was back in his human form now, and was in a gothic room, which didn't really tell him a whole lot, as all the rooms in this castle were basically gothic in nature. His tuxedo was dirty and wrinkled. It still looked gothic, though. Perhaps the tux renter he rented this from on the way here would listen in sympathy to that. Probably not. Sigh. Someone else was in the room. Perhaps it was Rad. After all, he was Rad's sidekick, and was supposed to do the adventuring with Rad. He reached out, and was surprised to encounter something warm and melon-shaped. He was even more surprised when his face encountered a fist seconds later. "Watch it, creep!" Chalandra Harkness said. "Hey, Chalandra, watch it," Manny said, rubbing his sore jaw. "It's only me." His face had a return encounter with a fist, possibly the same fist, possibly the other one. "It was an accident!" Manny protested. "I'll bet it was, you lech," Chalandra growled, dusting off her government-approved therapist's clothing. "You sidekicks are all alike." Manny grumbled and looked about the room. It appeared to be a den of some kind. There was an IBM Turbo PC with a datapath on the desk in front of him. He pulled himself up to the gothic chair in front of it. Somehow, the terminal itself managed to look rather gothic, although Manny wasn't sure if that was the nature of the castle or the nature of IBM. "What are you doing?" Chalandra asked. "Checking a few things out," Manny said. "I can hack these things in seconds, if you'll excuse the pun." Within...ah...seconds...Seconds was into the system, bypassing the elaborate password/sentinel system by jamming a slice of toast into the disk drive. "Where did you get the slice of toast?" Chalandra asked, puzzled. "Sssshhhh...you're not supposed to point these things out," Manny said. "Hmmmm...this is interesting...accounts, files, and...hey...lookee what we have here..." "What is it?" "Looks like Dracula left out the real big operation his organization is involved in..." "Rrrrrrrowwwwlllll!" a voice growled. "Wasn't me," Chalandra said. "Wasn't me," Manny said. "It was me!" the voice said again. They spun around to see a figure wearing only blue jean cutoffs and a "Howler" baseball cap. The figure was covered from head to toe in fur and had sharp teeth and other wolf like implements. "The wolf man!" Manny said. "Aw, ya guessed! That wasn't any fun!" "Another undead creature," Chalandra said. "Created by the interaction of lycanthropy within his body. He can only be killed with a silver bullet." "What lycanthropy?" the Wolf Man asked. "This is libertarianism here!" He pointed to his chest. "Everyone knows libertarianism grows hair on your chest. And your back, legs, feet, face, arms, naughty bits, et. al..." "What can libertarians be killed by?" Manny asked. "Overbearing bureaucratic regulations," the wolf man said. "Well, we'll be going now," Chalandra declared. Wolf Man stopped them. "Uh, uh, sorry," he said. "Can't let systems I disagree with go running around here. It'd go against my principles." With that, he lashed out. --------------------------------------------------------------- Glum woke up in a gothically styled room. Not the same gothically styled room, mind you, but another one. The place, you see, was filled to the hilt with gothic rooms. She looked around. For a gothic room, it had a very Hollywoodish flavor. No one else was in the room. Glum pulled herself onto the bed she was next to. Flying as a bat, contrary to the public relations hype, was hard work. Glum much preferred levitating. Much less strenuous on the arms. She noticed something else. There were symbols from the Batman movie in the room. Everywhere. On the ceiling, the bedspread, the curtains, the carpet, the walls, the mirror, everywhere. Either this was Kim Basinger's bedroom or she'd landed in the bedroom of a typical Batman fan, the kind of person who would spend their life savings to get copies of every Batman graphic novel in existance. Foolish people, there were much better things that could be done with the money - spending it on copies of every volume of Ranma 1/2, for instance. Or buying deluxe editions of the complete Gilligan's Island collection. Or.... The door opened and Kim Basinger stood in the door, shocked to see Glum. "What are you doing here?" she hissed, revealing her sharp vampire fangs. "Not that it matters. Now I can rip you limb from limb like I've wanted to for the past seven months!" With that, she hurled herself at Glum, who rolled off the bed. Kim collided with the wall, but bounced back. "I'll get you!" she howled. "Joe was mine until you walked into the room. Just because you look better in a bikini and can generate the voltage of a small electric plant..." "Hey, can I help it if my darling likes being electrocuted?" Glum said. "You're just jealous, that's all." A bolt of lightning arced from Glum's hand, striking the wall where Basinger was. "We'll see about that!" Basinger yelled, leaping at Glum, fangs gleaming, claws glinting, makeup running. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Rad woke in a room. You know how it was decorated, no need to be repetitive. "Like, whoah, dude. Where, like, am I?" You're in a room. "Like, I know. Which room?" I'm not sure. They all look alike. Gothic, you know. "Right. Like, I'm gonna look around." It turned out to be the belfry of the castle. Why the castle had a belfry would turn out to be the subject of much debate later on, but never- theless, he was situated in one. There was a closed casket standing upright against the far wall. The stairway was nearby. "Like, I wonder, like, what's in there?" Rad asked. A mummy. Don't open it. Rad walked over and opened the casket, and was surprised as a hand swathed in bandages and cloth hit him hard across the chest. He fell to the ground and was surprised to see a huge Mummy looming over him. "Like, what the..." he said. If you'd only listen to me, you could really avoid a lot of this, you know... Surprised by the mummy's appearance, Rad inadvertantly returned to his bat form. "Ah," the Mummy said. "I appear to have a bat in my belfry." Rad returned to his normal stunningly tanned form. "Like, geez, don't tell me you put a belfry in a castle *just* to unload that tired line, dude!" I'm sorry, but I'm only the narrator. The author is the one who comes up with the humor. Take it up with him. "Who are you talking to?" the Mummy asked. "Oh, ah...nobody, nobody," Rad said, repeating the stock line he always says when somebody catches him talking to me. Funny, you'd think the author would grow tired of that by now, but noooo.... [authors note: Hey, is there a problem here?] What? Oh, no, no sir! Things are running smoothly here. A yuk a second, as always. [authors note: That's good. You know, we could have you replaced by a computer, you realize that, don't you?] Oh yes, I do know. Thank you sir, thank you (grovel grovel). [authors note: That's better. Carry on now.] Simpleton. Anyway, while we were having that fantastic exchange, Rad and the Mummy seem to have engaged in combat. Too bad you missed the start. Oh well. You'll catch it in the next episode. Sigh. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Dracula and Frankenstein's monster relaxed in the dining room. "Grrrr. Wheerree my booolllttts?" growled Frankenstein. "They're coming, Frankie," Dracula said. "Be patient." "Oh, you'll be a patient, all right," a voice said. "Who said that?" Dracula said, looking around. "I did!" Frankenstein's monster whirled around. "You!" "Yes, me," Bud Abbott said. Lou Costello stood beside him. "We meet again. Only this time...we're undead, too!" "Who's undead?" Frankenstein's monster asked. "No, not yet," Abbott said. "He will be when he reaches the majors." WILL RAD DEFEAT THE MUMMY? WILL GLUM DEFEAT KIM BASINGER? WILL CHALANDRA AND MANNY DEFEAT THE WOLF MAN? WILL THEY KILL EACH OTHER? DOES LIBERTARIANISM REALLY GROW HAIR ON YOUR CHEST? WHAT'S SO STIMULATING ABOUT BEING ELECTROCUTED? WILL ABBOTT AND COSTELLO BAFFLE THE EVILIES WITH THEIR ROUTINE? WILL THE AUTHOR RETURN AND MAKE ME GROVEL AGAIN? ALL THIS AND EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE DEPOSED DICTATOR ON ... SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 01 Mar 1990 18:06:51 Subject: Rad 22: Where's a Good Dentist When Ya Need One? From: I wear my sunglasses at night... <34EPWQL@CMUVM> Origin: University of Maine BBS Processor RAD #22: "Where's a Good Dentist When Ya Need One?" by Gary W. Olson (yo) "What?" said Dracula and Frankenstein's monster in unison. "No," said Abbott, "Who. Who is undead." "I don't know," Frankenstein's monster. "Wait..." "Sorry...third base," Abbott said. His partner, Costello, glared at him. "Hold on, who's undead?" "Yeah," Abbott said. "And he's still on first." "Not this again," Costello replied. "Are these guys dead or what?" Frankie asked. Dracula nodded. "We are not dead!" shouted Costello. "Look at our teeth!" His lips parted to reveal vampiric fangs. "Look how we're dressed!" He indicated his gothic attire. "We're undead, you morons!" "We were talking about your act, not you," Dracula replied, rising slowly from the table and starting to walk over to where the undead comedians were standing. "But we can arrange it for you as well, right, Frankie?" Frankenstein's monster growled and stood up. "Hey, Abbott," Costello said, lowly, "Aren't we supposed to be attacking them or something?" "We'll have to switch to plan B," Abbott replied decisively. "What's plan B?" asked Costello. "*Run like hell!!!!*" shouted Abbott, bolting for the door. Costello rushed after him, complementing him on the logical precision of his plan. "My minions? Where are all my minions?" Dracula growled, looking around. "A castle full of minions and they're never around when you really need them. Come on, Frankie, we'll catch them ourselves." Frankenstein's monster growled and lumbered out the door after Dracula. -------------------------------------------------------------- Rad ducked as the Mummy swung a heavy arm at him. Actually, since the Mummy's fist speed is roughly proportional to the Nun on the Road's car speed on a leisurely day, Rad had time to duck back and forth under the arm several times. "Like, are you sure you were, like, scary in, like, those movies?" he asked. "I mean, like, this is like going against, like, George Burns, or, like, something." "I wasn't in any movies," the Mummy growled, preparing to swing again. Rad tapped his foot and waited. "Besides, how fast would *you* move if you were swathed in all these long bandages and cloths?" "Well, like, let me, like, help you, like, then!" Rad said. He grabbed one of the trailing bandages and pulled hard, using his psychokinetic power to unravel the mummy in one tug. The bandages flew, creating a heap in the gothically-styled corner. "Oh, like, no!" Rad cried out in horror. "Your, like, skin! Your, like, face! I've, like, never seen anything, like, so horrible!" "Gimme a break," Manual Noriega replied. "I don't look *that* bad, do I? I mean, I've been wearing those bandages for the past several months, maybe my skin is a little pale, but still..." "Why, like, were you wearing the bandages?" Rad asked. "Plastic surgeory," Noriega replied. "That Dracula fellow promised to house me while I recovered from it. What a nice guy, eh?" "Well, dude, I, like, hate to, like, tell this, like, to ya, but, like, you still look as, like, bad as ever." With that, Rad whipped out a mirror from his gothically-styled tuxedo. He looked at it, noting that his reflection was barely there, then showed it to Noriega. Noriega screamed. The mirror broke. Rad, with a rare display of tact, left the sobbing Noriega in the belfry, gathering up his bandages. Accelerating, Rad roared down into the castle proper. ------------------------------------------------------------- "Controller!" one alien said to another. Both aliens looked alike, so if you weren't actually around for the exchange, you probably wouldn't be able to guess which one said it. "Yes, Tactician?" the alien addressed as Controller replied. "All our forces have safely made the jump from overly-hyped-space," the emotionless face of the Tactician replied. "We are ready to procede with the plan." "Good. Return to your post. And alert Agent Circle K in Tokyo. It is time for his phase of the invasion operation to go into effect." "Yes, Controller!" the Tactician saluted and left. The Controller smiled an emotionless smile. Tokyo would be the first to fall. Unlike the Greenslimy Aliens, his race, the Dalans, would not hesitate in invading once conditions were ripe. -------------------------------------------------------------- Manny dodged the Wolf Man's claws and tried to kick him karate style. Unfortunately, since he had the martial arts skill of a speed bump, he missed badly. "Rrrrrraaaaaawwwwwwwwrrrrrr!" growled Wolf Man, in a sudden fit of eloquence. Chalandra also dodged and kicked, but fortunately, her government training gave her a bit more in the kick accuracy department. Her heel connected with the Wolf Man's jaw, though it didn't faze him. He swung, barely missing Chalandra but connecting with Manny, who was just getting up from where he had fallen after his lame karate kick. "Manny!" exclaimed Chalandra. Angry, she turned to the Wolf Man, who now seemed to realize he had just committed a grave tactical error. He never even felt the gothic wall he slammed into. That taken care of, she rushed over to where Manny was strewn out on the floor, blood slowly leaking from a gash over his right eye. Nothing serious, Chalandra noted with relief. "Wh...where am I?" Manny said. "And...wow...check out them knockers..." It was several minutes later before Manny came to consciousness again, and that was only because Chalandra had stopped raining punches on his skull. He looked around and saw three vampires who looked strangely familiar. "Hey, it's the minions of Willard Scott!" "What??!?! Where?!?" the Wind exclaimed, looking around. "Oh... you mean us...heh...sorry, nevermind." "It's about time you woke up," Quaker Oatmeal Guy said. "We're takin' ya back to prison. Cuz it's the right thing to do and a gothic way to do it!" Chalandra's arms were being held back by Quaker Oatmeal Guy, while Ms. Coffee was looking at the now nonfunctioning computer terminal. "It's too late," Manny told them. "We know everything." "Too bad," Ms. Coffee said. "We'll have to kill you then." "Well, when I say *everything*, I don't mean everything everything now, you see..." Manny's pathetic attempts to qualify what he had just said were drowned out by the sounds of two growing screams. Suddenly, two forms ran into the room, bowling into the three minions and knocking them senseless. It also knocked the two forms senseless, though not as senseless as the minions, who were fairly senseless in a gothic sort of fashion to begin with. "Hey, I know you two," Chalandra said, getting up. "You're Bud Abbott and Lou Costello! But aren't you dead?" "Undead," Costello corrected him. "Let's get outta here," Abbott said. "Can't'cha see? They're vampires! Run!" "But, Abbott," Costello said. "We're vampires, too, y'know." "Yeah, so?" "So...uh...hold on." Costello turned to face Chalandra and Manny. "Are you good guy vampires or bad guy vampires?" "We're good guys," Manny said. He wanted to apologize to Chalandra but the moment seemed a bit inopportune, as Chalandra had that look in her eye that told him she probably wouldn't mind if Dick Clark walked by and discombobulated him with a steak knife. "We'll talk later," he continued. "Right now the best thing we can do is run." He turned and started running. He got all of a yard before he ran into something heavy and thick. But it wasn't a door or a wall. "It's Frankenstein!" Abbott yelled. "No, you nimrod!" Costello corrected him. "That's Frankenstein's *monster!* Frankenstein is that short scientist type guy who created him. Wonder whatever happened to him?" "He's in charge of the Star Wars project," the monster informed them. The whole group generally agreed that that explained much about what was going on with that project. They also agreed generally that Frankie's arms, when they connected with sensitive areas like their skulls, really, *really* hurt. Going unconscious soon thereafter was the consensus reaction. "Good work, Frankie!" Dracula said, walking in. "Now, all we need to do is capture our two remaining guests." --------------------------------------------------------------- Glum dodged as Kim Basinger lept at her, trying to knock her over. Nevertheless, the undead, very-much-in-demand actress managed to tear part of Glum's dress as she passed. "Hey!" Glum exclaimed. "Do you have any idea how much this dress cost? It was the only gothically-styled item of clothing I had, too." She unloaded a bolt of electricity that arced and hit Basinger squarely in the face. It did little to faze her. "You'll have to do better than that, honey," Kim growled, swinging her fist. She connected, and Glum went sprawling out over the bed and onto the floor on the other side. Lying there stunned, Glum looked up to see sharp, vampiric teeth bearing down on her neck. She couldn't dodge - the teeth sunk in. Not coincidently, soon thereafter an electrical shock surged through the sinkee, along with a buzzing sound and the smell of burning hair care products. Kim sat back on the bed. She seemed to be evincing the mental awareness of a carp. "Maybe...I should...dine out instead..." was all she said. Her long blonde hair had a vaguely baked quality to it. Glum smiled and sat up. "Now where is darling?" she wondered. "I must find him." "Like, Glum!" a voice called. "I'm over here!" "That was quick," Glum said to herself as she rushed to an air vent, again refusing to ponder why the castle should have central air conditioning, which certainly wasn't gothic in nature, even though it broke down now and then. Rad was scrunched up inside. "What happened, darling?" Glum asked as she pulled off the vent cover and pulled our stunningly-tanned hero out. Well, after escaping from the Mummy, he decided to see if he could find you by changing into a bat and using the air ducts. He saw you and forgot there was a grating in the air duct. He hit it and changed back to his normal form. "Well, like, you don't have to, like, tell her," Rad said. Hey, just doin' my job. "C'mere," Glum said. She grabbed what was left of his bow tie and hauled him to where her lips were. Momentarily, she noticed that Rad's tuxedo was torn, shredded, and basically in a dipilidated and none-too- gothic state. "What happened?" she demanded. "Do you know how much these tuxs cost?" Rad did his best to look surprised that the suit was even wrinkled, even though most of his right trousers leg was missing and the jacket resembled more of a third-grade halloween decoration than a jacket. "Like, there's no, like, time for that, like, now," he said. "I think, like, that everybody else has, like, been captured." "That's right, infidel!" the Wolf Man shouted, from the door. "And you're next! Have at thee!" Snarling, he charged, claws outstretched. WILL RAD AND GLUM ESCAPE? WHAT IS DRACULA'S BIG SECRET PLOT? IS DR. FRANKENSTEIN REALLY IN CHARGE OF STAR WARS? DOES DICK CLARK DISCOMBOBULATE PEOPLE WITH A STEAK KNIFE? WILL I BE SUED FOR SUGGESTING THAT? WHO'S AGENT CIRCLE K? WHO'S ON FIRST? WHY ARE THE DALENS PLOTTING TO INVADE EARTH STARTING WITH TOKYO? COULD IT MAYBE POSSIBLY HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH RAD VISITING JAPAN SOON? DO PINTO'S EXPLODE? DO THE OSMONDS HAVE TEETH? ALL THIS AND A LARGE REPTILE WAKES UP ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 12 Mar 1990 22:44:34 Subject: Rad 23: Searching for a Long Neck From: I wear my sunglasses at night... <34EPWQL@CMUVM> Origin: University of Maine BBS Processor RAD #23: "Searching for a Long Neck" by Gary W. Olson (Type O-positive) The Wolf Man lunged. Glum dodged, but Rad did not, and as a consequence, found himself in a compromising position with a wicker chair in the corner. Glum brought her left elbow down into the small of the Wolf Man's back, causing him to howl in pain (as opposed to, say, howling in pleasure, or annoyance, or boredom, or any other of the myriad reasons wolf people howl). Stunned, the Wolf Man was unprepared and subsequently received a wicker chair to the head. "C'mon, babe!" Rad shouted, plucking bits of wicker out of his hair. "Let's, like, get out of here, like, y'know?" They flew out of the gothic room at speeds that are usually considered inappropriate for travelling through castles. Doing so, they nearly collided with three vampires that were in the corridor outside. "Watch where you're going, sonny!" Ms. Coffee yelled, throwing an explosive coffee bean in their general direction. With a sharp crackle of electricity from Glum's right hand, the coffee bean fell to the ground, defused and decaffeinated. "So sorry, guys," Glum declared, slamming her booted foot into the Wind's chest, knocking the...yes, you guessed it...wind out of him. "But darling and I have an appointment to keep!" Scarcely had she done this when she was buried in a huge wet glop of Cinnamon Apple Raisin Quaker Oatmeal, about the size of your average college basketball fan's beer gut. Quaker Oatmeal Guy, the guy who had created and hurled the menacing quantity of breakfast nourishment, grunted, the closest he had come to laughing in the last thirty or so years. He wouldn't have the immediate chance to come closer to say, smiling, as he was immediately broadsided by the inert body of The Wind. Ms. Coffee, calculating the odds and finding them to not exactly be in her favor, turned into a bat and flew away. Rad turned to find Glum, and slipped on a puddle of oatmeal and milk, and fell into the glop. The glop, which generally seemed to resemble the Blob, except for the fact that it was light-colored and milky and would probably be delicious with a few strawberries mixed in, shimmered and shaked. Finally, two figures, coated in oatmeal, sloshed out. "Whew!" Glum exclaimed. Rad seconded that. "I never thought sloshing around in oatmeal would be life threatening before," Glum said. "Of course, not being able to breathe accounted for a lot of the danger..." "Like, yah," Rad agreed. "Other, than, like, the suffocation, like, it was most excellent." Glum and Rad stared at each other for a moment. "Right, later," they both said in unison. This no doubt subtle exchange was interrupted by thumping sounds at the far end of the hallway. Rad looked up and yelped. "The Mummy!" he yelped. Glum looked up to see a rather short figure swathed in bandages and white cloth clumping towards them. "So?" she asked. "What's so scary about him?" "Like, underneath the bandages, he's, like, Manual Noriega" Rad said. They both screamed in unison and bolted down the gothic corridor in the opposite direction. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Dracula and Frankenstein stood in front of their captives, Manny Seconds and Chalandra Harkness, who were tied back-to-back and were sitting in the center of the room. The scent of soldered microchips lingered in the air (this scent is a very little known thing that keeps vampires from turning into bats -- convenient, especially in California, what with all the micro- chips just kind of hanging around and all). Bud Abbott and Lou Costello, also vampiric captives, were on the adjacent rug. "So...you say that you know what my big operation really is," Dracula hissed, vampirically. "That's right," Manny said. "Well, what is it, then?" Dracula asked. "Well..." Manny began. "What is it?" Abbott butted in. "You mean the big operation involves what?" "What?" Dracula said. "Yeah," Abbott replied. "What's the problem?" "There's no problem," Dracula said, getting irritated. "Well, then, why'd you say 'what'?" "Why?" "Him too!" Abbott said. "Gee, this goes deeper than I thought." Dracula growled. Costello looked at him in sympathy. "Where was I?" Manny said. "Where?" Abbott said. "Must be a conspiracy goin' on...owwww!" The owwww! sound was caused when the Frankenstein monster's hand struck the back of Abbott's head, and was swiftly followed by Abbott going unconscious. There was much general cheering at this development. "Anyway," Manny said. "As I was saying, the big operation that Dracula is involved in is none other than the biggest smuggling operation in American history. He stands to make billions of dollars off of it." "What's he smuggling?" Chalandra asked. "Drugs? Arms? Money? (And if you pinch my butt again I'll rip your intestines out and strangulate you with them!)" "Even worse...he's smuggling bootleg copies of every Patrick Swayze movie ever made into the country. He's going to broadcast them over network TV compressed into 30 seconds and cause a large chunk of the populous to keel over from the tremendous burst of spontaneous laughter at his bad acting. With that, they won't have to rely on the red cross for their blood supply anymore. (And I'm not pinching your butt...really, I'm not!)" "Well," Dracula smiled. "I see you have figured out my plan. Fortun- ately for you, I still have a use for you." "And what's that?" Chalandra asked. "Bait," Dracula said. He and Frankie shared a hearty evil chuckle over that one, for no obvious reason. ------------------------------------------------------------------- In the depths of the Pacific ocean, a heart pumped. The sound could be heard even through the tremendous press of the water. It started to pump slowly. Then faster. Fish swimming by could smell the danger, which was somewhat unusual as fish don't have a sense of smell. I mean, what is there to smell? Water, dirt, and other fish. Not exactly an aromatic bouquet. Nevertheless, it occured to them that this section of the ocean was not the best place for taking the afternoon swim. So, they swam off. There was movement. A really, really *big* form moved, causing new currents to form. It growled, and opened it's eyes. Seeing only water, it realized that it was underwater again, and that it is difficult at best to find nuclear power plants underwater. It was hungry. Growling, Godziller began his ascent to the surface. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Rad and Glum looked in from an air vent above where Dracula and Frankenstein's monster were menacing Manny, Chalandra, and the two undead comedians. They were in their bat forms, as you would probably expect, seeing as Emmanual Lewis (aka "Webster") after ten months on the Slimfast diet would not have been able to fit in there. It was proving to be difficult at best, especially considering all the oatmeal that was sticking to them. "" Glum screeched. "" "" Rad screeched. "" "" Glum pointed out. "" "" "" "Heey..." Frankenstein's monster growled. "Looook there!" He pointed at Rad and Glum. "Thoooseeee battssss, masssttteerrr!" "It must be our two friends," Dracula hissed, pleased. "Capture them!" "" "" "" The two bats flew out of the other end of the air vent into a corridor, and changed into human form. Instead of running, like they had planned, they collapsed in a heap on the center of the floor. "Like, all that, like, wing flapping can, like, take a lot, like, out of, like, ya," Rad said between gasps. "I don't think it's the flying, darling," Glum said. Her voice sounded strangely, eerily quiet. Rad turned to her. There was a peal of thunder in the background. "I..." she began. "I...need...blood..." Rad felt the vampiric instincts rising within him. The hunger...the craving...the need...for blood. "We're...not vampires, like, yet..." he managed to get out. "If we give in...it, like, could push us, like...over the edge..." Glum said nothing. Her eyes seemed to burn. The dark shadows of the room seemed to take a sinister turn. They leaned closer to each other, their sharp vampiric fangs glinting in the moonlight. Rad felt the sweet pain as Glum's teeth sank into his neck artery, as he sank his teeth into hers. They drank until they were sated. Rad tried to withdraw his fangs, but couldn't. He felt Glum's fangs twist in his neck. "Dawing," came her muffled voice. "I'm sthuck!" They spent several minutes trying to get out of this fix, but only succeeded in getting further stuck. At that moment, the Wolf Man, the Mummy, and the three vampires they had defeated earlier burst through. "Ah-ha!" Ms. Coffee exclaimed. "Now we...have you...?" They stared at the stuck pair for several minutes, and then dissolved into gales of laughter, rolling around on the ground in tears and guffawing so loudly they were echoing. "Thith ith, like, *tho* embarathing," Rad muffled. --------------------------------------------------------------- In between fresh bursts of laughter and the occasional wipe-out due to hysterical fits of giggling, they carried Rad and Glum, still stuck, to Dracula and Frankenstein's monster. Those two also dissolved into gales of laughter, and were rolling around holding their sides. Frankie was so hysterical he pounded on several tables and chair arms, which proved to be quite unfortunate for these particular pieces of furniture and their immediate next of kin. Even Manny and Chalandra were guffawing, thrashing about in the ropes that bound them. After finally calming down, Dracula sprinkled pepper onto the noses of both Glum and Rad. The resulting colossal sneeze finally dislodged them, along with a bonus freebee of hurling them to opposite ends of the room. Frankie quickly collected them and sat them in the center rug, shaking out some of the dried oatmeal flakes that were sticking to them. "That...(giggle)...was the best laugh I've had since...(guffaw)... oh, at least 1720, I'd say," Dracula said. "Nevertheless, it accomplishes my purpose. Behold!" Dracula unveiled a mirror. The reflections of the Wolf Man and the Mummy were fairly evident. Manny's reflection was faint, but it was there. Nothing else reflected. "Yes," Dracula said, "Your transition is complete. You are now, and forever shall be...creatures of the night." WILL RAD AND GLUM EVER BE ABLE TO SEE THE SUN AGAIN? DOES THIS MEAN RAD WILL MISS A SECOND STRAIGHT DAY OF TANNING? WHAT ARE INAPPROPRIATE SPEEDS FOR FLYING IN CASTLES? WHY THE SUDDEN FIXATION ON OATMEAL? WILL DRACULA SUCCEED IN SWAYZING AMERICA TO DEATH? HAS PATRICK SWAYZE DONE ANYTHING INTERESTING WITH OATMEAL? HAS HE DONE ANYTHING INTERESTING, PERIOD? WILL THE N.E.A. START FUNDING THIS ANYTIME SOON? ALL THIS AND THE GRAND FINALE ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 16 Mar 1990 18:36:20 Subject: RAD 24: Everything at Stake From: I wear my sunglasses at night... <34EPWQL@CMUVM> Origin: University of Maine BBS Processor RAD #24: "Everything at Stake" by Gary W. Olson (them bats is smart...) "Hmmm...whoah," Rad stood up, and promptly sat back down. "Whoah." "He seems to be taking the news he'll be a vampire forever better this time," Manny commented from where he was tied up to Chalandra Harkness. Bud Abbott was trying to wake Lou Costello. "Well, I can tell you one thing," Glum said, rising. "We're still fight against your rather nasty scheme to compress all of Patrick Swayze's movies into a thirty second signal and then broadcast them!" The seven bad guys in the room, rather unimpressed with Glum's impassioned (not to mention remarkably convenient, from a plot-refresher point of view) speech, stood up simultaneously and growled. Glum gulped. "Like, uh...damn...uh...like...what she said, like, yeah," Rad said. Not exactly the fountain of prosaic words, but the setiment was there. Rad looked at Manny and Chalandra. They were still tied up, and Franken- stein's monster stood between him and them. Without warning, the Wolf Man lept at Rad with his claws outstretched. Rad countered by catching him and lobbing him into the Mummy, who crashed into, and basically pulverized, a solid oak chair. Frankenstein's monster raised his hand, ready to knock Rad and Glum out. Imagine his surprise when he was lept upon from behind and started to become the recipient of the prized blow on the head, repeatedly. He thrashed about, trying to dislodge Manny from where the sidekick extraordinaire type person had fastened himself. "What's goin' on?" Abbott asked as Chalandra started to untie him. "We managed to loosen the ropes while we were laughing a while ago," she explained. "C'mon, you two!" Quaker Oatmeal Guy and the Wind chose this particular opportunity to enter the fray, firing globs of Blueberry Instant at near-lethal velocities at where Rad stood. His stunning psychokinetic powers deflected the deadly, nutritious mass, neatly aiming it so it would hit Ms. Coffee. Glum turned and lunged directly at Dracula, the horns on her head glowing ever so slightly red with anger. She was met with a powerful kick to the jaw, which sent her reeling into Rad, knocking him down. Looking up, she saw Kim Basinger, apparantly recovered from having been temporarily being electrocuted into the mental equivalent of nasal spray. "This is it, bimbo!" Kim said, in the kind of semi-neurotic voice you commonly hear from psychotic axe-murderers and health food nuts. "Come on!" Glum rose to zap Kim, but never got the chance to, as Kim was quickly cut down in a barrage of large, weighty gothic books. These books, each the equivalent weight of a Hyundai, were being lobbed by Abbott and Costello. "That got her!" Abbott exulted. He promptly ceased exulting when Frankenstein's monster wobbled by and stepped on his foot. Manny offered him a shrug of sympathy as he continued to bang on Frankie's skull with one of the legs of the oak chair, which in turn would cause Frankie to say things like "oof" and "pfff" and "ow" and "nnn", and brushing against things, sounding not so much like a guy pounding on a mechanical construct as a modern "dance music" recording. ------------------------------------------------------------------- In the frozen Alaskan wastelands, there was a loud growling sound. Not the kind of growling sound you hear when you are bleeding and defenseless and several very hungry polar bears are stalking you (dont'cha just *hate* it when that happens?), but a deeper sound. Like an airliner. Or a cave implosion. Or Mike Polinski's stomach growling. In this case, it *was* Mike Polinski's stomach growling. Being as Mike is a really, really *big* prehistoric hockey player, it can probably be surmised that he wasn't planning on dieting anytime soon, which would prove rather unfortunate to one Haagen Daas, McDonald's "employee of the month" and night shift supervisor. Haagen's troubles began when, with plenty of warning (the warning being Mike's stomach growling, which could be heard as far away as Juneau), the building he was in rose off the ground and appeared to be suspended above a large, dark pit surrounded by what appeared to be teeth, although this wasn't certain, as Mike didn't have many of these items left. Haagen, man of action that he is, immediately charged out the door to talk to Mike. Unfortunately, there was no ground outside, so Haagen fell directly into Mike's mouth and died a painful, slow death. This did *not* happen to Haagen's second-in-command, Kay Murt. Kay tied a length of rope to her waist and secured it to the burger fryer. Dangling out the door, she called out. "Hey! You! Don't eat us!" Now, admittedly, this was not a barn-burner as far as pleas for life went, but it squared quite well with Mike's level of communication, which can be said to be on the level of single-celled amoebas and people who think everything that goes on in pro wrestling is spontaneous and unscripted. "Uh...why not?" Mike asked. His breath hit Kay with the force of a hot tropical wind that had been swirling about in someone's armpit for the better part of a week. "Uh...the bricks in this building contain...uh...cholestorol!" "Unh?" Mike replied. "Ah...uh...why don't you try something else?" "Duh...like what?" "Oh, uh, I don't know -- do you like sushi?" "Uh...I don't know. What is sushi?" "It's from Japan. Do you know where that is?" Mike nodded, inadvertantly causing major wind pattern shifts that would delay the next ice age, scheduled for tomorrow, for 1.5 million years or so. "Are there Catholics there?" Mike asked. "Well, uh, no, not a lot," Kay replied, puzzled by the sudden religious turn the conversation had taken. She didn't have a lot of time to ponder its meaning as she and the McDonalds were lofted into the air over Mike's shoulder. It soon smashed into the ground, though this was not entirely negative as it took out an Exxon Vice-President with it. Mike set out towards the Bering Straits. He remembered what his ma (whom he believed to be Nun on the Road) had said about Protestants. If there weren't Catholics there, there had to be Protestants. Whatever those were. He decided he would smash the Protestants. He knew Ma would be proud of him. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Chalandra brought her elbow down onto the small of the back of the Wind, causing him to emit an Alan Alda-like sound of pain and collapse. One down. She was quite rudely surprised when Frankenstein's monster, who had managed to free himself from Manny by running backwards into the wall repeat- edly, swung his hand and connected with her, causing her to fly back and bowl Abbott and Costello and three rather weighty gothic books over. Struggling up, she was surprised to see Manny hunched over the pieces of the oak chair, doing something with a knife. He was making...a stake! She moved over to help him, and was immediately tackled by Quaker Oatmeal Guy, plowing into Manny and the wall. Rad, meanwhile, was busy dodging the attacks of the Mummy and Franken- stein's monster. While both had a real strength bonus, only Frankie had any sort of speed or agility. By a series of incredibly clever and complex moves too convoluted to describe here, Rad managed to trick Frankie into knocking out the Mummy. He was then struck by an explosive coffee bean thrown by Ms. Coffee, which sent him into and through one of the couches they had been sitting on five episodes ago. Dracula, meanwhile, was having problems of his own. Glum had pushed aside the Wolf Man and was busy savagely whomping on Vlad himself. He stumbled back into the gothic home entertainment center in the corner of the room. He bumped a cassette into the VCR, and subsequent bumpings caused the "play" button to go on. The sound of "Road House" assaulted everyone in the gothically-styled room. The Wolf Man, standing in front of one of the speakers, was staggered by the wave of inanity that emenated from within. Thus distracted, he was unprepared as Abbott and Costello "thwacked" him with a book entitled "U.S. Government Laws and Statutes - the Unabridged Version" volume 426. "I guess they were right," Costello said. "These libertarian wolves really *can* be defeated by overbearing bureaucracy." They paused to take in the spectacle of Rad flying across the room, thanks to the miricle of Frankenstein air travel. Rad landed next to Manny, who was just returning to consciousness. "Like, hey, dude, what's, like, that?" "It's a stake..." Manny said. "Take it!" "What, like, do I use it for?" "Spear Dracula in the heart with it..." Manny immediately returned to his previously scheduled unconsciousness. Rad looked over to Dracula in time to see him throwing down the unconscious form of Glum. He soon came to realize that, other than himself and the undead comedians, no good guys were conscious. Ms. Coffee, the Wolf Man, Kim Basinger, and Frankie simultaneously closed on him. Realizing that it was now or never, Rad threw the stake at Dracula's heart, firing it as hard as he could with his psychokinetic powers. The stake pounded through Dracula's heart, sending him flying back into the giant-size screen, which curiously enough featured a close-up of Swayze's face. Dracula and the stake struck the screen, and for a not very brief time there was an amazingly gratituous display of sparks and electrical explosions, as Swayze's face flickered from behind Dracula. Finally, the screen went blank, and Dracula went limp. Everyone who was still conscious looked on in stunned disbelief. Rad noticed that his reflection was back in the mirror. Excited, he jumped up and cracked Frankie's and Wolf Man's skulls against each other, knocking them both unconscious. Instead of running to inspect Dracula, to see if he was really dead, he ran to the mirror and spent upwards of a half an hour admiring himself in it. Eventually, he decided to check on the others. "Ooooh" Glum groaned, sitting up and holding her head. "Darling, what happened?" Spotting herself in the mirror, she suddenly forgot her head- ache and jumped up. She immediately then remembered her headache and sort of wobbled into the mirror. She did leave a fetching lip print, though. Chalandra also rose, and saw a sight she had not seen in over half a century - her reflection. Considering she had not aged in that time, she looked to be in remarkably good health. "Well, glory be," she said, almost in a whisper. "I'm finally free. Manny! I'm finally free!" Manny was just in the process of waking up, and so was quite astoundingly confused when Chalandra started to smother most of his upper face with kisses. He was even more confused when she left, letting him drop back to the floor and hit his head, causing fresh and inventive waves of pain to coil through him. Eventually, everything was sorted out. Frankie and the Wolf Man left, as there was no longer anyone there to pay them for their services. Ms. Coffee, Quaker Oatmeal Guy, and the Wind, having reverted to their normal 103-year-old selves, did the same. Kim Basinger wept a bit, then left in time to start filming on "Batman II," starring Michael Keaton as Batman and Patrick Stewart of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" fame starring as The Penguin. Abbott and Costello, the only vampires who had not reverted to normal, left to take their night act to the east coast. The Mummy, who was actually Manual Noriega, was shipped down to Florida on charges of impersonating fresh fruit. "I don't get it," Glum said, on their way out. "I thought that once we had become vampires, we couldn't ever reverse that." "That's what I thought too," Chalandra admitted. "Apparantly, the interaction of the stake and the face of Patrick Swayze created a unique effect that reversed the undead condition." "Geez," Manny said. "I don't even want to *think* about the theological implications of *that*!" "Like, dudes!" Rad said. "The sun's rising!" They stood silently, marveling at it. "It's...so...beautiful," Chalandra whispered. Manny moved to put his arm around her. He immediately retracted his move when Chalandra moved her elbow into his stomach. The new day had dawned. WHAT ARE THE THEOLOGICAL IMPLICATIONS OF THIS? ARE THE PROTESTANTS BEHIND IT? WHADDYA MEAN, PRO WRESTLING ISN'T SPONTANEOUS? WITH GODZILLER AND POLINSKI BOTH CONVERGING ON TOKYO, IS THERE A SOMEWHAT RESPECTABLE CHANCE THAT THAT CITY WILL BE SUFFERING MAJOR DAMAGE IN THE VERY NEAR FUTURE? WILL ANYBODY OTHER THAN MYSELF AND JOSH EVER WRITE TO UMNEWS AGAIN? ALL THIS AND JAPAN'S *OTHER* ORGANIZED CRIME MACHINE ON...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 19 Mar 1990 20:56:14 Subject: Rad 25: Land of the Rising Fun From: Prisoner Number Six <34EPWQL@CMUVM> Origin: University of Maine BBS Processor RAD 25: "Land of the Rising Fun" by Gary W. Olson (Ok, YOU think of a title...) "Eric Idle, Gothopolis Psychiatrist Dairies, how much money you got?" "Like, excuse me?" Rad said into the telephone receiver. "Ooops...I'm sorry sir. How can I help you today?" "Like, Mr. Idle, this is, like, Joe Moroboshi calling, and, like..." "Ah, Mr. Scott's son," came Idle's voice. "Delightful to hear from you." "Like, yah. Like, Eric, has, like, my father, like, remembered anything, like, about my real mother, like, yet?" "Well...ah...we're having a bit of a problem with that." "Like, what?" "Your father's escaped." "Like, *what?*" "But don't worry sir, you can rest assured that we're doing everything in our power to locate him, so don't you worry a bit." "Uh, right. Like, thanks, I, like, guess..." "No problem sir. Our bill will be in the mail." Idle hung up before Rad could even begin to sputter a protest. Dejected, he slumped against the pay telephone booth in LAX. He pulled his birth certificate out of his pocket and looked at it again. His father, Willard Scott, had signed it with his real name. His mother, however, only signed it with an elegantly scripted "D." In addition to trying to cure the deranged meteorologist, the psychiatric dairies were attempting to learn the identity of Rad's mother, believing that anyone who had a son like Rad must have some severely expensive mental problems. He felt an hand close in on his arm and start to tug. Looking up, he saw his Significant Other, Glum. She was wearing her tiger-striped bikini, although that wasn't immediately evident given the number of Tourist Implements she had with her - a large, allegedly fashionable bag that undoubtedly housed a small pocket dimension, a Polaroid camera slung around her neck, a shoulder bag, and an oversized sun hat with holes cut in it so her horns could stick out. "Come on, darling!" she ordered. "They're announcing the final departures now!" Without waiting for a reply, she began dragging him towards the gate, where Rad's sidekick extraordinaire, Manny Seconds, was waiting. "Bags are all loaded, Joe," Manny reported. "We're ready to fly!" Airport security works on an unusual principle. That is, if the passenger is not carrying any weapons at all, or even any metal, computer items, or whatever else could be a menace, then obviously there was something very unusual about the passenger, which therefore meant that the passenger was probably a terrorist. This is the kind of crack logical thinking that has guided Congress in its economic decisions for decades. Anyhow, airline security stopped Rad, Manny and Glum. Fortunately, they were sent quickly on their way when it was learned that Rad could easily cause major structural damage to the plane, which meant he probably wasn't a terrorist because terrorists wouldn't try something so obvious. Thus reassured about America's commitment to airline safety, Rad, Manny and Glum boarded the plane. Destination: Japan. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Ran Mikoto, President and CEO of Sonny Corporation, kow-towed to the darkened figure on the screen. The figure spoke. "Damn lighting techs! Can never get any good help when ya need it!" Mikoto remained silent, trembling. Finally, the face of the figure on the screen lit up a bit as someone shown a flashlight on it. "Well, this'll have to do. Mikoto!" Mikoto looked up. "Yes, my Lord and Cheif, Creator of the Universe, Owner of the Sacred Shard of Scarsdale, Master of the Many Moons of..." "That's enough, Mikoto. I have orders for you. There is a plane coming in to Tokyo airport at 2200 hours. Aboard it is the gaijin superbeing known as Rad, as well as his unremarkable sidekick, Seconds. There is a woman traveling with them, but her identity is unknown. Capture them and hold them for questioning by me." Mikoto kow-towed again. "It shall be as you order, o' Ruler of the Celestial Tetrahedrons, Divine Essence of All Things Thingish..." "Oh, *do* shut up, Mikoto." "Yes, my cheif." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Kaneda Suhiro was not having a very good day. First off, the stockholders of the corporation which he was President and CEO of, Mitsubiggi, had all decided they would vote for Board candidates who wore neckties that clashed with their three-piece-suits. Suhiro was about to alter the company charter so that Helium was banned from stockholder meetings when one of his agents walked in. Suhiro said nothing. For one of his agents to walk in unannounced meant that something imporant was going down. "Sir, our spies in the Sonny Corporation have learned that Mikoto is planning to kidnap the gaijin super being known as Rad at Tokyo airport." "Damn. Alert the agents we have stationed there - and send backup." "Yes sir." The agent left. Suhiro sat back. He wanted the gaijin to endorse a new line of computer products and cars. Now, it appeared that Sonny was interested too. He opened a drawer, and pulled out a small crystelline pipe. He pondered it a bit, then put it back. No, he would not get directly involved. Not yet, anyways. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Things were not going well for Sean Connery. First, he woke up in this bloody cramped submarine. Then, everyone started looking to him to give orders, like he was the bloody captain or something. Fortunately, his vast acting ability saved him. Now, if he could just get them to believe he wasn't really Russian, everything would be quite keen. Warning klaxxons chose that particular moment to sound. Connery barked decisively, "What the devil is going on?" "Something large is rising underneath us, sir!" Yakov Smirnov called back. Since the cold war had ended and wiped out his entire act, this was the only work he could get. "Shall we fire torpedos!" "Damn the bloody torpedoes!" Connery bellowed. The crew was frozen, duly impressed by his commanding presence. Connery looked around. "Well, fire the bloody torpedoes? Are ye daft, boys?" They scrambled, and the torpedoes launched. "Two direct hits," Smirnov replied. Seconds later, Smirnov spoke again. "It's still coming! Abandon ship! Abandon...aaaarrrghhh!" Something big struck the submarine. It's hull cracked, and split. Connery could hear an angry roar, something beyond the rushing of water. Godziller, king of the extremely large reptiles, continued to ascend to the surface, heedless of the things in his path. Finally, he broke the surface, in time to see a plane flying overhead, heading towards the sun. ---------------------------------------------------------------- The plane flew on over the Pacific. Glum had taken the window seat, and was resting her head against Rad's shoulder, him being in the center seat. Manny was in the aisle seat, leering at stewardesses and occasionally chiseling at the rock the stewardesses had said was a steak dinner. "Well, babe," Rad said, "like, after I was, like, abandoned on, like, the beach, by, like, my real parents, I, like, was found by my, like, eventual stepparents, the Moroboshi's. They, like, were living in, like, California. Dad, like, owned a chain of tanning parlors, and, like, made a lot of money. Even, like, though they had two kids, like, of their own, they, like, adopted me and, like, raised me." "You have step-siblings?" Glum asked. "Like, yah. There's, like, my step-sister, Akane, who's, like, about your age, and, like, my step-brother, Kaoru, who's a bit older than I am." "This is the captain speaking," the plane's PA system broke in. "I'm pleased to announce that all the terrorists and hijackers on board have killed each other, so we will be arriving in Tokyo as scheduled. That's all. Rad almost continued his story, but soon realized that Glum had fallen asleep. Dimming the lights, he sat back in his seat. He had mixed emotions about seeing his family again. On the one hand, he would be glad to see his parents again, as well as his sister Akane, whom he had not seen since they had left for Japan over two years ago. On the other hand, he was not looking forward to seeing Kaoru again. There had always been a friction between them, a jealousy that Rad couldn't understand. He wondered if Kaoru had changed. That, he decided, was as likely as Debbie Gibson winning the award for Heavy Metal Artist of the Year. Then, there was Glum. Rad had described her to his stepparents, but he wasn't sure they had entirely grasped the concept that their stepson was in love with an alien princess with horns on her head and who could generate the voltage of a small electric plant. They seemed to assume it was just one of those California euphemisms. Sigh. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Mike Polinski lumbered down the Asiatic coast. He had been somewhat confused when he had been attacked by the MiGs, but then he realized that they would make great hockey pucks, so he slapshotted them into a nearby radar installation, blowing it up. Being a thousand foot hockey player had its advantages. Eventually, he made his way to Korea. After tiring of munching on Hyundai's and Seoul food, he started to look around for Japan. For some reason, the peninsula seemed to terminate rather abruptly. Several hours and several American-style fast-food restaurants later, Mike finally noticed the islands in the distance, across the sea. The last time he had been here, he would have realized if he had the wit to, there had been a land bridge to those islands. It figured that the others would not want him to return to beat them up again, so naturally, they dug a sea to keep him away. Probably with the help of the Protestants. Holding his hockey stick over his head, Mike Polinski began to wade into the sea, towards the large island in the distance. ------------------------------------------------------------------ In the secret underground laboratory, there was much evil cackling and growling going on. A smallish, evil-looking scientific-type person leaned over a rack of stereotypically evil, scientific looking beakers of multicolored liquid. Another evil-type person walked up next to him and growled. The first evil-looking person turned to him and smiled. "Hello, Willard. You have some news for me?" "That's right, Dr. Madhatter. But first...a word from Maxwell House Coffee..." Dr. Madhatter patiently waited through the commercial before hitting Willard Scott over the head in a comical fashion that would have gotten loads of laughs had this been television instead of a text adventure. "Oh, sorry," Willard said. "My son and his companions are on the flight coming into Tokyo airport at 2200 hours." "Excellent!" cackled Dr. Madhatter. "They will make excellent subjects for our new and improved madness rifle!" "What if Key and Yury catch you again?" Scott asked. "What about it?" Madhatter yelled. "They'll get what they should've gotten in the first place, if that overly-roasted dolt of a son of yours hadn't shown up and spoiled my aim. Now get to work." Willard whirled and yelled to *his* subordinate, Herb Villachez, whom Madhatter had sprung from prison also. "You heard him! Get some agents to Tokyo airport on the double!" "Aye aye, boss," the dimunitive henchman said, and waddled off. --------------------------------------------------------------- "Controller!" the Dalan known as the Tactician said. "We have been informed of a large movement of agents toward Tokyo airport." "Reason?" "Unknown. They apparantly have not detected the approach of either the prehistoric dinasaur known as Godziller or the prehistoric hockey player known as Mike Polinski." "Good. Then this works in our favor. Send agents to monitor the situation, and find out what is the cause of such a disturbance." "Yes sir!" the Tactician saluted and exited. Smiling a cold smile, the Controller sat back. "All is proceeding as planned. As Tokyo falls, so shall the whole world fall to the might of the Dalans!" WHY ARE SO MANY PARTIES INTERESTED IN RAD, GLUM AND MANNY? IS SEAN CONNERY DEAD, OR WILL HE MIRACULOUSLY SURVIVE FOR RED OCTOBER II? WHAT WILL RAD'S PARENTS SAY? WHO IS THE FIGURE THAT MIKOTO IS OBEYING? WHAT IS THE CRYSTELLINE THING THAT SUHIRO WAS LOOKING AT? WILL ANY MORE OF MY FINAL FOUR PICKS BITE THE BIG ONE? ALL THIS AND REALLY PISSED OFF UNDERGROUND TRIBES ON...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 23 Mar 1990 17:30:43 Subject: Rad 26: The Airport Becomes a Wee Bit Hazardous From: Prisoner Number Six <34EPWQL@CMUVM> Origin: University of Maine BBS Processor RAD 26: "The Airport Becomes a Wee Bit Hazardous" by Gary W. Olson (rdr out) Rad, Manny and Glum disembarked from the jetliner which had made the trip across the ocean remarkably intact. The sprawl of the Tokyo airport stretched before them. A man in a white robe who looked like he had been recently lombotomized walked up to them. "Fellow pilgrims...would you care to give alms to a spiritual traveller?" "Uh, like, no, sorry," Rad said. The lombotomized-looking fellow became rather incensed with these words and whipped out a thin, sharp sword. He swung it at Rad, but missed. Rad quickly blasted him with a psychokinetic blast into the arms of two waiting security guards. "That's, like, one of the things ya gotta, like, watch out for here," he said, "Over here, they're not hare krishnas, they're hare ninjas." Continuing onward, they were completely oblivious to the large clusters of secret agents that were following them. Every single one was wearing a three-piece double-breasted blue suit with matching tie. The one's with blue handkercheifs in their left breast pockets were agents of Sonny Corporation. The one's with the red handkercheifs were agents of Mitsubiggi Corporation. The one's without handkercheifs but with their pants on backwards were agents of Dr. Madhatter. These herds of agents roamed the airport like herds of bison, following our most excellently tanned hero and being conspicuously inconspicuous. There were two more agents there, but they don't concern us for the moment as they were not monitoring Rad, Manny and Glum, but the other agents. After various miscues involving mysteriously identical suitcases, almost all of which were filled with contraband, black leather underwear or bootleg copies of "Slim Whitman: The Man - The Legend," they finally located their correct suitcases. "Whew..." Glum sighed. "Now all we have to do is find...ah! There they are!" She pointed to two scantily-clad females waving to them. "Key! Yury! Over here!" They all managed to converge somewhere in the passenger waiting area, causing old men to hyperventilate, old women to swat their hyper- ventilating husbands, old dogs to bark, and postmen to spontaneously combust. "Joe...Glum! I'm so glad you could make it here!" Key, the red-haired one, said. "Did you all have a good trip?" "Yes," Glum and Manny replied. Glum looked over at Rad, who was standing in a sort of half-paralyzed, brain-locked state, as is usually the case when Yury administers one of her better kisses. With a sharp tug, Glum pried Yury away, while Rad continued to look as though he had seen through the veil to see what life after death was like and learning it involved a good amount of spandex and string cheese. Laughing, they caught up on recent events. Key and Yury had resumed their jobs as freelance troubleshooters, and were currently trying to re- locate Dr. Madhatter, whose madness weapon had led to their first meeting. In one of the horde of agents watching all this, a voice whispered "Who are they?" Another voice whispered "Freelance troubleshooters - unarmed." The first voice whispered back "Good. Attack at once!" Manny, Glum, Rad, Key, and Yury were quite surprised to see one of the packs of people in blue, three-piece, double-breasted suits with blue handkercheifs charge them en masse (a latin term meaning "in mass.") They seemed quite put off, and were holding an interesting variety of weapons. No sooner had this happened than another pack of people, these with red handkercheifs, charged from the opposite direction. Their aim, though, seemed to be to counter the charge of the first horde. A third horde, these ones with their dress pants on backwards, also charged. Within seconds, the passenger departure lounge had been turned into a melee zone. ------------------------------------------------------------------ The Cheif of the Awnoddygyin Tribe relaxed in a La-Z-Boy comfort recliner that served at the throne for the tribe. Bored, he decided to find a subordinate that he could impart exposition to. Being as everyone else in the tribe *was* his subordinate, this was not difficult. "So you see, boy," the Cheif "We were once one of the mightiest tribes on the face of the Earth. We ruled and ruled and ruled. Boy, did we rule! We kicked butt from Hungary to Korea and would have conquered Japan if we could have figured out how to cross the ocean!" The boy looked on uncomprehendingly. "Yes, my boy, we're descended from the Mongols of China. Why, I, myself, am a descendent of the great Genghis Khan!" "Then how did we get over here?" the boy asked. "Well, unknown to the rest of the Mongols, a bunch of us *did* make it over here. But, unfortunately, we were caught in an earthquake and were trapped here, underground, in the heart of Honshu, the main continent of Japan. And here we have lived ever since, living off of fish and seaweed. We had renounced war, and were content to live with what we had, along with whatever plopped into our laps." The Cheif pointed to some television sets in the "public abomination of hell" section of the great cave of the Cheif. "But then the surface dwellers struck deep at the heart of our society, savagely trying to destroy it with technology and science gone mad!" "You mean the atomic bomb? Are we victims of underground nuclear tests?" "What? Nonsense! Sure, things glowed blue a little bit after that, but it's not like they meant it, really. I mean, after all, it's only a little radiation. Did wonders for my sinuses, actually. "But no...what our tribe is seeking revenge for is much, much greater than that. The surface dwellers have inflicted upon us the infernal evil known to us as...MTV!" There were several stifled shouts of fear and loathing. "We thought our television's were our friends. They were not. Through MTV, the surface dwellers have been turning our children into mindless zombies who think the New Kids On the Block are really, really...oh...what is the word...cool!" He whirled on the boy. "Well, they're not! They are servants of evil!" he bellowed. Calming, he continued. "Though it was far too late to save our society, we realized we could still take our revenge, by awakening the Great Beast." Other tribespeople quivered and quaked and said "Not the Great Beast!" in unison. "Yes! The Great Beast!" The cheif strode theatrically toward a really really vast looking pit, which had in abundance signs that read: "Great Beast: beware!" "Look out below!" "It's your funeral, pal!" "Did you remember your will?" and other confidence-inspiring messages. "Now! Now is the time to awake the Great Beast, by speaking his true name, and chanting like the stereotypical primitives we are until he arises!" Despite their fear, despite the fact that Cosby was on right then, they began to chant. The Cheif called into the pit. "Rise, mighty Megaloon! Rise, and smite the city of the surface dwellers! Smite the farms of the surface dwellers! Smite the savings accounts of the surface dwellers!" They waited. Finally, there was a rumbling. A vast, dark form rose past them, breaking through the layers of rock to the surface. There was a chilling noise emenating from the beast. Then the layers of rock folded back, and the cave was once again silent. Megaloon had risen. ------------------------------------------------------------------ In a darkened room, someone smiled. The tribal buffoons had awoken Megaloon, just as he had intended for them to do, through years of subterfuge and manipulation. Mike Polinski and Godziller were also on their ways to Japan, also through his manipulations. His masters, the Dalans, would be most pleased indeed. Turning to another bank of computers, he monitored the situation in the airport. The melee was escalating to a dangerous pace, it seemed, though Rad, Seconds, and the unidentified scantily-clad women were holding their own. He listened as one of the two Dalan agents at the airport made their report. "No, Agent William. You are merely to observe him for now. Do not make any effort to assist or capture him yourself. Same to Agent Thelma." "It is understood clearly." "Good. Agent Circle K signing off." With a click, Circle K switched the vocal pickup off. He smiled. Rad, he knew, would be able to fend off the agents easily enough. But he would not escape from Circle K. That much was assured. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Rad was beginning to get tired of battling virtual hordes of Secret Agents. He blasted a couple dozen only to get nailed by another five or six agents of assorted masters from behind. Manny had disappeared somewhere into the horde, although Rad occasionally spotted him, swinging away valiently. Glum was blasting whole herds of agents with her electrical blasts, singeing their jery-curled hair and knocking askew their mirrored sunglasses. They were most annoyed at this. That left...odd...where were Key and Yury? Rad wondered. It was not like them to duck a major battle such as this. Where had they gone? His answer came within a matter of moments. The air of the airport was rent with the sounds of large automatic weapons sounding off, as a few agents and a column disintigrated into dust. "Awright!" Key yelled. She had an uzi in her left hand, and mounted on her right shoulder was a very large weapon, the kind Rambo, upon seeing one, would remark, "Dat's a big gun." Taking advantage of the momentary chance, Rad pulled Glum and a semi-conscious Manny out of the line of fire. The agents, snarling, pulled out a whole bunch of ninja-type implements, such as throwing stars, swords, crossbows, more throwing stars -- really the whole kit 'n kaboodle. "So that's the way you want it!" Yury, standing beside her, yelled. The scenes that followed were of a truly graphic nature and basically involve whole slews of agents being turned into swiss cheese. The highlight of this came when Yury raised her rocket launcher. "No, wait, Yury!" Key screamed. "Not in here!" "What?" Yury replied. "Fire here? Okay!" So she did. The resulting explosion blew away the remaining support columns of the already weakened airport, causing the whole thing to collapse into a heap of concrete and twisted metal. Outside, having just barely gotten out in time, Rad, Manny, Key, Yury, and Glum caught their breaths. "Why are you looking at me?" Yury yelled at Key. "It's not my fault! How was I supposed to know the whole building would just collapse like that?" "Alright..." a police seargeant walked up. "I wanna know who's respon- sible for this...oh god, not you two again." Sighing as Key and Yury smiled innocently at him, he reached for his walkie-talkie. "This is Sgt. Yashida. No backup is needed. It's the Muddy Pair." Later, after being allowed to go, Key and Yury informed Rad, Manny, and Glum about what the seargeant had meant. "It's this nickname they have for us," Yury explained. "You see, we're always successful in all our ops. Unfortunately, a lot of property damage tends to accompany our exploits. That's why we're called the Muddy Pair, because none of our plans come off in a clean, by-the-book manner." "We don't know why," Key added. "It's never our fault." "Like, yah," Rad said. "Of course." "Fortunately for us, we're cleared in every case," Yury continued. "So we continue doing what we like best. Ah! Here we are. Welcome to our palace." It was a large apartment in one of the more classy areas of Tokyo. "You can stay here tonight, and visit your stepparents in Kyushu tomorrow." They went inside and kept the neighbors awake all night. ------------------------------------------------------------------- "Interesting," the two voices said in unison. "Are you sure?" "Yes, my ladies," the agent said. "Over 300 agents of Mitsubiggi, Sonny, and Dr. Madhatter were killed in the collapse of Tokyo airport." "I see." the two voices said in unison again. "This will only continue for as long as they are in Japan. Although we are not the government, we cannot stand idly by and allow such a magnet of trouble to have free run in Japan. Send our finest ninjas to Kyushu to kidnap these gaijin. Go!" The agent quickly left. The two speakers quietly relaxed, from where they were seated upon a paperweight. They were identical twins, and were no more than six inches in height. Nevertheless, they were the supreme voice of Japan's *other* mafia organization. They didn't have the clout that the Yakuza had, but, as Rad would find out, the Jakuzi were *also* to be feared. THE PLOT JUST SEEMS TO KEEP GETTING THICKER! WHO IS AGENT CIRCLE K? ARE AGENTS IN DANGER OF BECOMING AN ENDANGERED SPECIES? ARE HARE NINJNAS THEIR NATURAL PREDATORS? DOES ANYONE WANT A COPY OF "SLIM WHITMAN - THE MAN, THE LEGEND"? WILL ANY MORE MONSTERS EMERGE TO JOIN GODZILLER AND POLINSKI? ALL THIS AND EIGHT IS DEFINITELY ENOUGH ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 28 Mar 1990 01:05:13 Subject: Rad 27: Wherein Things Become More Muddled From: Prisoner Number Six <34EPWQL@CMUVM> Origin: University of Maine BBS Processor RAD #27: "Wherein Things Become More Muddled" by Gary W. Olson (rdr still out) Morning in Tokyo. Rad, Glum and Manny, having not gotten much sleep, but still wide-awake through the miricle of caffeine, were packed and ready to leave Key and Yury's uptown apartment. "Don't forget to stop by on your way back," Key told them. "We still have to give you a tour of the city." "Like, you know it," Rad replied. "Hey, Mugsy!" Rad reached down to scratch Mugsy's ears. Mugsy purred. As you can probably infer from this, Mugsy is a cat. However, it should be noted that "Mugsy" is a *big* cat, who looked a lot like a black panther, except for the tendrils that extended from its forehead. "Sorry, Mugsy," Glum said, petting his back. "We have to leave you behind on the way to the airport. You know how people react to you." The large cat snorted. "We will be taking him," Yury said as she walked into the room. "I just got a call from Prime Minister Kaifu. He has a new assignment for us." "But what about Dr. Madhatter?" asked Key. "We've already got an assignment to catch him." "The PM said this was even more important, and to get to his office ASAP." "Arrrgh..." said Key. "Men!" ----------------------------------------------------------------- The Controller went down into the belly of his flagship. "Is it ready yet?" he asked. The Controller isn't much for small talk. One of the technicians, whom all looked basically alike (black uniforms with a hood covering the hair and banana-clip visors covering their eyes) turned and replied "Controller! Roboziller is now 100% functional!" "Excellent, Technician! Return to your post!" The Controller surveyed the vast hold. The metallic frame of the machine was lighted well, and the Controller had to admit, it *did* sort of look like the real Godziller, in that both were about 1000 feet tall and were tyrannosaurus-rex shaped. Of course, Roboziller did have a few other advan- ages, among them being laser-beam eyes. But if you looked at them from, say, Mars, you'd swear they looked alike. "Launch Roboziller!" The Controller ordered. Five minutes later, the metallic beastie departed, making the descent for Earth. Destination: Tokyo. -------------------------------------------------------------------- The weather of Kyushu, the southernmost major island of Japan, was even hotter than California, almost like the dry, sweltering heat of Mexico. Fortunately, there was a cool breeze blowing. Rad, Manny, and Glum looked upon a house. It wasn't a big big house. It wasn't one of those ancient houses with the cool roofs. But it was a fairly respectable size house with a decent chunk of land surrounding it. There were two figures standing on the front porch of this house. One, male, was of average build and had silver wire-rim circular glasses. The other, female, was a bit larger than the male, though she was by no means fat. The two came down and stood in front of Rad. Rad bowed a full ninety degrees, as did Glum and Manny. The two bowed 45 degrees. Everyone stood up. "Ma!" exclaimed Rad. "Pa!" The formality of the meeting collapsed instantly as Rad and his step- parents embraced. "Joey! We missed you, boy!" was representative of the comments that ensued over the next several minutes, which won't be listed here given that scenes like these, while necessary, become really annoying when dragged out. Like I'm doing now. Damn. Anyway, when this had all subsided, Rad introduced them. "Like, this is my sidekick extraordinaire, Manny Seconds, like, and my S.O., Glum. Glum, Manny, these are my stepparents, Kenshiro and Shinobu." Various cordial greetings ensued. "He wasn't pulling our leg," Rad could hear his stepmom whisper to his stepdad. "She *does* have horns." No sooner did they step in than another figure all but knocked them over in rushing to embrace Rad. "Akane!" Rad exclaimed, and more of the usual scenes of familial bliss ensued as Rad looked at his stepsister. "Like, wow, it's been a long time since I've seen you! You look great!" "Thanks! I've got great news! I've been accepted to Tokyo University's graduate program! I just got the letter today!" "Like, wow! This is, like, most excellent!" Somehow, the entourage made it's way to the living room. "We're going to celebrate tonight at our favorite club," Kenshiro said. "The Falling Asteroid. Lynt Minutemaid will be singing tonight." "Hello, boy!" a voice called out. Rad looked up. "Uncle Ho!" Rad said. "Like, I didn't, like, know you'd, like, be here." "I'm on sabbatical from the university this semester," Ho Moroboshi said. "I wouldn't have missed this for all the fortune cookies in Dubuque!" There was one final family member to meet, Rad realized. "Like, where's my stepbrother?" he asked. "Where is Kaoru?" Kenshiro hesitated. "He is away on pressing business. He will be here this evening for our celebration." Kenshiro paused, and looked away. "He has not changed, Joseph." Rad hoped the news would not bode ill for the evening. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- "There!" Dr. Madhatter exclaimed. "My ultimate madness weapon has been perfected! The Madness Rifle X-LOON 2000 Mark IIIb Paragraph 12 is now ready!" Hearing this, Willard Scott growled evilly. "Who are you going to test it on, Madhatter?" Behind him, Herb Villachez looked for a power tool. "Good question. Thank's to your bungling, I'm out of minions..." "Hey, it wasn't *my* fault that the Tokyo airport collapsed!" "Yeah, yeah," Madhatter said. The demented doctor stared into space for a while, then ran around the lab as fast as he could screaming "there's no place like home, Toto, there's no place like home!" When he finally calmed down, he looked at Willard Scott, who growled evilly. "I know..." Madhatter said. "We'll test it on your oafish son!" At this, both of them chuckled in an evil fashion. Herb, having found the power tool he needed, exclaimed "de planer! de planer!" (How many of you saw that one coming up fifth avenue?) ------------------------------------------------------------------- Mike Polinski loomed in the night sky, as the mighty Japanese army valiently tried to force him back with laser beams and whole bunches of science-fictiony looking stuff. Some of you may inquire how the hell Japan got such a mighty army when they hardly spend anything on defense. No doubt you're the same people who wonder why the mighty Japanese army's tanks look like cheap plastic models. The answer, which can finally be revealed, is that the mighty Japanese army's tanks, planes and laser weapons *are* cheap plastic models. For some reason, it had not yet occured to them that if they bought the real stuff they'd be able to turn the monsters that attacked them now and again into swiss cheese. Hence, Polinski had no problem swatting them away. Some of the tanks were destroyed when the soldiers tripped over them while retreating. Mike, if he had enough wit to have perspective, would be confused. In previous days, he had varied between thirty and fifty feet tall, depending on the mood of the author. But now, the ground seemed to be much, much farther down. Mike was now nearly a thousand feet tall. The oddity of this completely escaped him. Didn't even bat an eyelash as it flew by. Mike was a hungry hockey player. His stomach had increased in size with the rest of him, and he hadn't eaten since he had been in Korea. If he had had enough wit to have analytical ability, he would have wondered why he had come all the way over to Japan for a simple meal. But he didn't. He was distracted in his wanderings by the sound of a voice. It rolled on the wind, seeming to beckon to him. It sang a beautiful alto, a voice so clear and perfect you could fry an egg on it, whatever the hell that means. Mike listened. Eventually, he started lumbering towards it's source. -------------------------------------------------------------------- The nightclub was full, as it often is, and the Moroboshi family, along with Glum and Manny, had a table near the stage, where the famous Lynt Minutemaid was singing. "Ok, like, out with it," Rad said in a low voice, looking at his mother. "You don't like her, like, am I, like, right?" "No, Joe, I like her..." Shinobu protested. "It's just that she's alien." "Ma, you, like, were a foreigner once too, y'know." "It's not that, Joe. She's got horns on her head." "I, like, told you, like, all about that, ma." "I thought it was a euphemism, Joey! How was I supposed to know she was a real extraterrestrial? What'll the neighbors think?" "What are you talking about?" Glum asked, leaning in. "Like, nothing, babe," Rad said. Glum wouldn't buy that. "You're probably talking about me," she said. "She doesn't like me, right?" Rad nodded, and then had to restrain Glum from zapping them. "Like, electrocuting my parents would, like, be considered unpolite." Things had just settled down when Kaoru, Rad's stepbrother, spoke. "Typical," he snorted. "Only to be expected from a gaijin temptress." He smiled grimly as Rad had to restrain himself from blasting him out of the club. Grumbling, Rad looked at Akane. "I don't know what's wrong with all of you!" she said. "I like Glum, and I'm happy for them. She's beautiful, intelligent, and nice." Rad looked at Uncle Ho. Uncle Ho looked at Glum, and then back at Rad. "Big hooters," he said, observantly. "Good eye, boy." Uncle Ho had somewhat simplified criteria for judging women. "It's not that she's not nice, son," Kenshiro was saying. "It's just that she's...not what we expected." "And just what did you expect?" Glum said, raising her voice. Rad cringed, realizing that Glum was about to cause a major scene. "Someone with the wit of a deflated volleyball? Well, I've got news for you, I'm *not* going to play dumb and subservient for you or *anybody!*" Ignoring the fact that the whole club had gone totally silent and was watching them, Lynt Minutemaid included, Glum grabbed Rad by the back of the neck and kissed him hard. After a few stunned seconds, Lynt Minutemaid resumed her song, coming over to sing in front of their table. "What are those humans doing, Agent Thelma?" Agent William asked. "I don't know, Agent William," Agent Thelma replied. "It appears to be some kind of data transfer." "It can't be," Agent William replied. "It is most inefficient. More- over, it appears to be shrouded in some kind of primitive theatrical ritual." "Yes," agreed Agent Thelma. "It will be no loss to logic when we expunge this primitive race from the face of the planet." "True. But for now, we are merely to observe them, as the Controller has mandated. And we are to make sure that nothing happens to Agent Circle K." The two Dalan agents looked around. "Have you noticed?" Agent Thelma said. "There appears to be a large contingent of the subclass "Jakuzi ninja kidnapper" present tonight. Is this normal?" "Perhaps," Agent William said. "Who can tell with these primitives?" William paused, straining his hearing. "Say...do you hear it? It sounds like something large walking this way." The rumbling sound grew louder and closer. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Space was big. Really really big. Even bigger than the biggest thing you can imagine. And then some. I mean, we're talking colossal big. From this big area came two flying forms. Both were about a thousand feet in length. Following them was a spaceship. It wasn't a normal looking army starship, but it was a fighting ship nevertheless. On it's bow was it's symbol: a happy face with crossbones. Inside, a voice reported to a cloaked figure. "King Gaudyra and Gigoon are entering Earth's atmosphere, Captain. Our lasers appear to be having no effect on them." The cloaked figure was silent. "Captain!" the crewman exclaimed. "Dalans! A whole fleet of them!" "Have they detected us yet?" the cloaked figure asked, quietly. "No sir," the crewman replied. "Evasive. We will have to sneak to Earth." The cloaked figure paced. "I should have known the Dalans were behind this. But they won't succeed." The cloaked figure looked up, exposing the large scar on his left cheek. "So swears Captain Hardeharharlock!" WILL RAD CLASH WITH MIKE POLINSKI? WILL ANY MORE MONSTERS CONVERGE ON TOKYO? WHO IS AGENT CIRCLE K? WILL THIS PLOT BECOME ANY MORE CONVOLUTED? CAN IT? WILL THE JAPANESE EVER GET A REAL ARMY? WHAT DOES THE PRIME MINISTER WANT WITH KEY AND YURY? ALL THIS AND HIGH-STICKING ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 01 Apr 1990 22:22:49 Subject: Rad 28: Tokyo in the Penalty Box From: Prisoner Number Six <34EPWQL@CMUVM> Origin: University of Maine BBS Processor RAD 28: "Tokyo in the Penalty Box" by Gary W. Olson (rdr no longer out!) Rad was at a loss for what to do next. Glum, causing a major scene, was now engaging him in the longest kiss he had ever had, not counting the time he had gone to Michigan and had gotten his lips frozen to his '68 Chevy. He wondered what to do next, though breathing would be nice. He was aware of the applause ringing through the dining club, as well as the singing of Lynt Minutemaid near his family's table. He also became aware of a loud crashing sound as the roof of the establishment was torn off. With the kind of sound you get when you open a fresh jar of jelly, Rad broke away from Glum and looked up. He was surprised, nay, shocked, to see a huge, looming hockey player staring down at them. It's voice boomed. "Duh," it said. "Who's da singer?" Nobody spoke. They only stared at the incredibly massive and tall humanoid being who seemed to resemble a hockey player (hmmm...perhaps that should be the other way around...). It's fur was stylized, and seemed to bear the faded legend of a prehistoric hockey team. It also carried a large hockey stick, one roughly equivalent to a good size bridge. The staring business dissolved into general panic when the figure bent down. "He's reaching for me!!" Lynt Minutemaid screamed. Being as these are 90's, the author has decided to reject portraying stereotypical female acts such as fainting. Minutemaid slipped on a banana peel and knocked herself unconsious, striking yet another blow for equality. The giant being, generally undecided as to how to react to all this, blinked uncompreheningly. Rad, extremely well tanned hero that he is, flew up through the hole in the ceiling to talk to him face to face. "Like, hey, dude, like, what's the bogus idea?" he said. "Huh?" the figure replied. "You talkin' to me?" "Like, yah," Rad said, in the exasperated tone people usually addressed him with. "You're, like, the only other dude up here." "Oh, right," the figure said. "I'm Mike Polinski. You?" "Call me, like, Rad," Rad said. "Ok, Like Rad," Polinski said. "Are you Catholic?" "Like, uh, no," Rad said, confused at the sudden religious turn of the conversation. He was even more befuddled when the enormous natural wood formation that was Mike's hockey stick hit Rad and sent him crashing through a couple of buildings. Enraged, Rad flew back up and blanketed Polinski with a psychokinetic barrage. Mike staggered slightly, but stood. "Is that the best you can do, Like Rad?" he asked, not to taunt or anything, but merely as a point of information. "Like, no way, dude," Rad said. He spun about, barely avoiding Mike's huge hockey stick. He arced around Polinski and blasted him in the small of the back with his hardest blast yet. Polinski almost dropped his stick. On the ground, the crowd was cheering Rad in his battle against Polinski. Well, some of the crowd was. Well, ok, Rad's family was cheering. Everyone else in the restaurant was busy removing implements of death and was stalking Rad's family. Glum was the first to notice this. "Say," she said. "Why are those people removing implements of death and stalking us?" Upon realizing she had noticed, the agents attacked. Manny dodged and landed a haymaker upon the first to arrive. "This is amazing!" he said. "That we're being attacked?" Glum asked. "No!" he said. "That I'm getting dialogue this episode! I didn't get any in at all last episode!" His glee was short-lived as he was hit over the head with a blunt implement of death and slumped to the ground. The table and surrounding area seemed flooded with agents. Meanwhile, back up in the air, Rad was not faring well. He had successfully dodged a few blows and had almost sent Polinski to his knees, but the prehistoric hockey player had rallied back and was now playing a sort of hockey game with Rad as the puck and various structures as nets. Rad, wobbling and not quite sure where he was anymore, rose for his final attack. "Like, take this...dude..." His blast make Polinski drop his stick. It bounced on its end in the ground and back into the air, colliding with Rad and knocking him the rest of the way uncounscious. Rad caved in a good portion of the undamaged part of the club restaurant when he hit the ground. Polinski picked up his stick and tried to remember why he was here. He then had a major breakthrough: his stomach growled. Seeing the bright lights of Tokyo in the distance, he lumbered towards them. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Japan's Prime Minister, Kaifu, was not a very happy man. There had been reports of Godziller approaching Tokyo harbor. His mighty Japanese plastic model army had failed to repulse Mike Polinski from Kyushu. There were rumors that Dr. Madhatter had a new madness weapon and was looking for a subject to use it on. Really pissed off underground tribes were declaring war on his country. There were rumors of a pirate starship, one with a smiley face and crossbones on its bow, setting down outside Tokyo. The Jakuzi were rumored to be on the move. But this was not what was bothering him, though. No. It bothered him that he had had to call on the Muddy Pair. At the moment, the aforementioned Muddy Pair, agents Key and Yury, were reclining in his office in not-too-respectful positions making not-too- respectful bodily noises, such as "yawn." "Now you know why I've asked you here," he said. "We suspect that the Sonny Corporation is secretly being controlled by the members of the Awnoddygin Tribe, who are looking for revenge upon the surface world for MTV." "So?" Key asked, oiling her sidearm noncholantly. "This concerns us because we believe that they are launching their revenge against the surface world *now*" Kaifu replied. "What form it takes we don't know. We *do* know we must stop it." He turned on a screen in the far wall. A face appeared therein. "This is Ran Mikimoto, C.E.O. of the Sonny Corporation," he said. "He is believed to be the son of the tribal cheif, although this has not been ascertained. In all probability he is the key to the whole mess. Your assignment is to investigate him and Sonny, and put them both out of business if the connection is true." Yuri yawned. "What was the middle part again?" Kaifu almost growled, but stopped when he saw the face of the Pair's "pet," a black panther type named "Mugsy." It was staring at him intently. "Please," Kaifu said, "just do it." "Alright, already," Key said, hauling Yury out of the couch she had sunken into. "You make it sound like such a big deal." Kaifu was about ready to break a pencil when a sudden roaring sound made him look up and out the window. Outside, there was a very sobering sight. In the distance, a very large, reptilian beast roared. After finishing its roar and finding said roar most therapeutic, it proceded to breathe, it's radioactive bad breath ray causing whole chunks of skyscrapers to fly out. To the north, they could see another monster approaching the first. It seemed more buglike than the last monster, though it was just as large. It had a large starlike protrusion from its head, and made a chilling noise. "Godziller! Megaloon!" they said in unison, identifying the monsters. "I should have known," Kaifu said. "The Awnoddagyin Tribe was rumored to be in possession of Megaloon, though it was discounted as myth. Quickly! No time to lose!" "Yes?" No-Time Tolouse said. "Oh, shut up," Kaifu said. He turned to see that Key and Yury had already left, hopefully to track down the Tribe through the Sonny Corp before major damage could be inflicted upon the city. An aide wandered in, possibly dazed from having seen the scantily-clad, well-developed forms of Key and Yury (that last bit was for Burt Ward). "Pardon, sir," the aide said. "But why have you hired the Muddy Pair to solve the problem? You remember what happened to Tokyo airport. And the Honda building. And most of downtown last summer. And..." "Look out there," Kaifu said. "Those two monsters will destroy this city alone. There are more rumored to be on their way." He paused, looking dramatic. "If Key and Yury can defeat the Awnoddagyin Tribe, then there is the possibility that they may leave at least *some* of the city intact! "Besides, I may get lucky and get involved in a sex scandal with them." ------------------------------------------------------------------ The world was dark for Rad. He opened his eyes. The world was still dark. He removed the large slab of concrete from his face. Now he could see. What he saw was a disaster. The Falling Asteroid Club was in ruins. Everyone except his family and a couple over in the corner had long since left. Some seemed to be missing. "Joey! Joey!" his stepmother Shinobu said, rushing over to him. "Are you hurt? Speak to me boy?" She shook him, making Rad's headache worse. His psychokinetic powers had shielded him from the usual effects of getting battered and beaten by a piece of lumber the size of a fair to middling office building. But it hadn't been gentle about it. "Wh--Wh--Where's Glum? Where's Manny, ma?" "They were kidnapped, son," Rad's stepfather, Kenshiro said. "We were ambushed by everyone else in the restaurant, except for Minutemaid and those two in the corner. I'm not sure, but I think Glum and Manny were taken by agents of different factions. One faction looked like one of the one's you described having attacked you at the airport. The other looked like it was the Jakuzi. Don't know which group took who. Probably took 'em to Tokyo." "Like, I've gotta...go..." Rad said, struggling to his feet. His tux was in tatters, and he tore it off, revealing his spandex heroing shorts. "Joey!" Shinobu said. "You're in no condition to rescue anybody! Come with us to the hospital." "Like, ma, no can do, like, y'know?" Rad said. He kissed her quickly, then flew unsteadily into the night sky, heading for Tokyo. "What'll we do, Uncle Ho?" Rad's stepsister Akane said, from the table. "That boy may be powerful," Uncle Ho said. "But he's stupid as a log. We will have to go to Tokyo to find him. Come, quietly. Uncle Ho and Akane slipped quietly out of the ruined club and into Ho's van, which was soon speeding towards Kyushu airport. They did not notice the Iraq Z-28 following them. Inside, Rad's stepbrother Kaoru smiled. They would lead him to his stepbrother. Then... Back at the club, the couple in the corner went largely unnoticed. Kenshiro and Shinobu were talking with authorities and were helping Lynt Minutemaid, who was just returning to consciousness. "Well, agent Thelma," William said. "That was fairly amazing." "Yes," Thelma replied, "A correct analysis, agent William. What I find interesting is how the singing of the Earth female Minutemaid was able to interfere with our Dalan subliminal control over the Polinski creature." "Unknown," William said. "I'm still trying to figure out what it was those two humans were doing when they were touching lips in such an illogical manner. There must have been some purpose to it." "Perhaps there was," Thelma said. "The Controller has instructed us to learn more about the customs of this primitive planet for storage in the Computer when the race is eradicated.Perhaps we should replicate the ceremony." "Perhaps" William replied, vaguely disturbed by how much the idea appealed to him. "But Agent Circle K has left for Tokyo, and it is our duty to make sure that he stays safe. Therefore, we must leave immediately." So they did. ------------------------------------------------------------------- The grand city of Tokyo features many huge, shiny buildings. But perhaps none so large and so strange-looking as the one called the Super-Doubletalk- Fortress-1. It loomed in the night sky, looking more like a guardian than a mere block of rooms and people. Tonight, it would live up to its appearnce. Inside, Leeza Hades rushed back and forth, shouting orders, as the power plant roared to life. They had gotten the order from Prime Minister Kaifu himself -- the monsters had to be repulsed from Tokyo at any cost. That was why the SDF-1 had been built. Tonight was its first test. Behind her, Captain Grovel smoked his pipe and looked on. Fighter planes were being launched, and the transformation was almost ready. What would the city below think when it saw one of its biggest buildings shed it's building- hood and reveal itself for what it was? He almost smiled at the thought, but then restrained himself, because it would be out of character. Finally, Leeza reported to him. "We are ready for transformation, Captain." "Very good, Leeza," Grovel replied. "Transform now!" WHAT WILL THE SDF-1 TRANSFORM INTO? IS NO-TIME TOLOUSE THE LAST OF THE POST-WESTERN IMPRESSIONISTS? WILL MANNY GET MORE DIALOGUE? WHO KIDNAPPED GLUM AND MANNY? WILL KAIFU GET INTO A SEX SCANDAL WITH KEY AND YURY? WITH BURT WARD? IS POLINSKI A HUMANOID WHO LOOKS LIKE A HOCKEY PLAYER OR THE OTHER WAY AROUND? ALL THIS AND PROPERTY VALUES GO WAY DOWN ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 03 Apr 1990 22:50:47 Subject: Rad 29: De Plot! De Plot! From: Prisoner Number Six <34EPWQL@CMUVM> Origin: University of Maine BBS Processor RAD 29: "De Plot! De Plot!" by Gary W. Olson (I don't care how runny it is...) Kaneda Suhiro, President and C.E.O. of Mitsubiggi Corporation, chatted amiably with Rad's sidekick extraordinaire, Manny Seconds. That is, Suhiro did most of the talking. Manny, being that he had been kidnapped, was bound and gagged in a chair in the center of Suhiro's immense, plush office overlooking downtown Tokyo. "So, I said to myself," Suhiro said, "why is it that Mikoto is after this gaijin superhero, Rad? I know why I am after him - to get him to endorse my line of cars and computer products. Is Sonny interested in the same thing? So I sent my agents out to borrow him so I could ask him in person. Unfortunately, they could not get to him. So, they brought you instead...eh, are you trying to say something?" "Mmmmmph," Manny said. Suhiro removed the gag. "Air!" gasped Manny. "Dialogue!" he gasped soon thereafter. "So," Suhiro said, "Why does Mikoto want your hero friend Rad?" "Dunno," Manny said. "Don't know the guy." "Ah," said Suhiro. "Any idea why the Jakuzi is interested in him?" "The who?" asked Manny. "No, not them...they're still on tour, I think...the Jakuzi. You know, Japan's *other* organized crime thing..." "Dunno that one either." "Hmmmm," said Suhiro. "You're not much good then." "Then you'll let me go?" Manny asked, hopefully. "No, nothing that drastic," Suhiro said, looking out his bay window. "We'll keep you here until one of the others makes their move..." His words trailed off as he saw a really mind-impacting sight outside. Godziller, King of the really big reptiles, and Megaloon, the Awnoddagyin Tribe's answer to Jiminy Cricket, were doing battle. Godziller was lifting Megaloon off of its feet and throwing it into the base of a large sky- scraper, causing it to collapse on top of Megaloon. "Incredible..." he breathed. Manny strained to look around him. "I cannot allow this battle to continue!" Suhiro declared. He opened his desk, rummaging around until he found the crystelline cylindric thing he was looking at in episode 25. Picking it up, he looked dramatic in a meaningful sort of way at Manny. "It is time," Suhiro declared, "for Ultraguy to live again!" --------------------------------------------------------------- Rad managed a more or less controlled descent to the streets of downtown Tokyo. He could see Godziller and Megaloon battling somewhere uptown, and he had to catch his breath before attempting to go into battle with them. He was still somewhat damaged from his recent battle. No sooner had he done so than he was run into from behind. He and his assailants collapsed into a nearby shrubbery. "Like, hey, like, watch where you're, like, going," Rad said. "You watch out yourse...Rad, is that you?" Key asked. "Like, hey, what are you, like, doing here?" Rad in turn asked, pulling Key and Yury out of the shrubbery. All three of them in turn lifted Key and Yury's pet black panther, Mugsy, out. "We're going after the Sonny corporation!" Yury said. "We think they're behind Megaloon's attack on Tokyo," Key added. "What are you doing here? We thought you were on Kyushu, visiting your folks. What happened?" "We were, like, attacked by Mike Polinski," Rad said. "And, like, while I was, like, battling him, we were attacked by, like, agents." "From Sonny Corp?" "Dunno...could be. Also, like, there were some Jakuzi there." "The Jakuzi? What could they want with you?" "Like, I dunno, but either they or the agents kidnapped Manny and Glum, and, like, I have to, like, find them." "Come with us!" Yury offered. "We're going to the Sonny Corporation. Kaifu wants us to see if it's connected with the Awnoddagyin Tribe." "Like, what does that, like, have to do with me?" "They might be the kidnappers," Key explained. "Or at least some of them. Plus, we might be able to stop Megaloon." "Like, I dunno, like..." Rad stopped when both Key and Yury wiggled up about *that* close to him and gave him their best lost puppy dog looks. "Like...don't look at me like that...well, like, ok, I guess..." At that news they both jumped and hugged him and everybody fell into the shrubbery again, this time encountering a member of Parliament who had already reserved the shrubbery for that hour. ------------------------------------------------------------ The battle between Godziller and Megaloon raged on. But then it stopped. Both monsters stood transfixed, watching a skyscraper near them changing, mechamorphosizing, into something else. Inside, the bridge of the SDF-1 was in chaos. Leeza Hades rushed back and forth, to and fro, issuing whole bushels of orders, such as the following: "Skoal Leader, you're cleared for takeoff...no, Capt. Hooter, you're not allowed to go and rescue Minutemaid, she's not in danger... Lt. Sterno, try not to hit too many civilians this time..." Finally, the transformation was complete. Where once stood what looked like a respectably-sized office building, there was now a giant gleaming robotic guardian...the true Super-Doubletalk-Fortress-1. The two monsters regarded it with suspicion. Inside, Capt. Grovel sat in his chair, smoking smokeless tobacco in his pipe. Rotomech missiles, armed with McCulture, were primed and ready. The standoff that Grovel knew could not last for long. There were reports of other monsters on their way, among them Mike Polinski. "Fire at once!" Grovel barked. The screen glowed bright yellow with the exhaust trails of thousands of Rotomech missiles, which exploded in an aestetically pleasing fashion against Godziller and Megaloon. Barely had the crew of the SDF-1 had the time to savor this victory than they were struck by Godzilla's radioactive bad breath. The gleaming guardian staggered into the Mitsubiggi building, causing some plaster to crumble, nearly hitting Kaneda Suhiro. Inside the building, at the top floor office of Suhiro, Manny tried desperately to get anyone to untie him, though everyone was too busy thinking of ways to save their own goodies. "Hold still," a quiet strong voice said from behind him. "I'll have you out of there at once." The stranger was as good as his word, quickly unraveling the bonds. Manny turned to regard him. He was tall and thin, with a dark cape/cloak pulled around him, and a jagged scar on his left cheek. "My name's Captain Hardeharharlock," the stranger said. "No time to lose! We've got to get out of here!" "Odd," Manny said, "I've never heard that phrase before..." "Never mind!" Hardeharharlock pulled Manny's hand, forcing him to run forward. They leaped out of the window into space, over a thousand feet above the hard concrete. ---------------------------------------------------------------- The Controller sneered at the illogical construction of the primitives of the Earth planet. Their buildings had a feeling of functionality, but they also seemed overly concerned with such trivial things as beauty and aestetics. The signs of a weak race, to be sure. He looked into the sky, and was pleased. There were three forms circling in the sky. Two of them were monsters his race, the Dalans, had driven from the Greater Magellenic Cloud for the very purpose of destroying Tokyo - the three-headed dragon-like creature known as King Gaudyra, the creature known as Gigoon. The third was a robot that his race had built to be superior to Godziller in every way...Roboziller. Smiling, he gestured to a tactician. The monsterous forms began to descend from the sky, down to where other monsters were already in combat. ---------------------------------------------------------------- The Ito twins were rapidly losing patience with Glum. They had tried to explain that they were the leaders of the Jakuzi criminal empire, that they were feared and respected worldwide, and that they believed that Rad was a threat to them, but Glum was too busy laughing her head off to listen much. It seemed that the fact that both of them were only six inches tall had something to do with it. "Listen to us!" they spoke in unison. Glum tried to say something but then broke into another fit of laughter. The Ito twins signalled, and two big faceless Jakuzi minions walked in and leveled uzis in her general direction. She stopped laughing. "That's better," the twins said. "Now, as we were saying, from our data, we have decided that your SO, the gaijin known as Rad, is too dangerous to be in Japan. There are just too many competing factions looking for him. The potential danger to the system could be severe." "I don't get it," Glum said. "Why is he dangerous to the Jakuzi? Aren't you supposed to be criminal types or something?" "We are, yes," the twins said. "But we are also interested in the stability of the city. It is *our* city (no matter what the Yazuka say), and we don't want it damaged. It would be...bad for business." "I see," Glum said. "Nothing personal, you understand," they said. "Just taking care of busin...eh? We told you not to interrupt us." "Sorry," said the agent. "But Godziller and Megaloon are at this very moment engaged in combat in downtown Tokyo!" "What?" the twins said. "I SAID, GODZILLER AND MEGALOON..." "Never mind that! Go on!" "Ah, yes, ladies," the agent said. "They have been in turn attacked by the government's experimental Super-Doubletalk-Fortress-1. Mike Polinski, the prehistoric hockey player who ravaged Kyushu, is on the outskirts of Tokyo. And three more monsters have been seen circling the skies of our city!" "I see...leave us!" the twins commanded. The agent did so. "What's going on?" Glum demanded. "Quiet!" they said, bowing on a matchbook cover. "We have to pray to Mothball. Only the great Mothball can hope to save us now." At that, they ripped their business suits off, revealing the tribal high priestess garments underneath. They then began to sing in Dolby stereo as they did a tribal dance on the desk. Glum slumped in her seat, wondering how to get out of this nut farm of a mafia organization. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Akane and Uncle Ho drove around Tokyo in the abandoned taxi cab, searching for Rad. They were not having much luck. "I'm *certain* I saw him flying over here, Uncle," she said. "You also say he was carrying two nubile females and a large black panther," Uncle Ho said. "I can believe the first, but I question the bit about the black panther." "I know what I saw, Uncle," Akane insisted. Ho offered no arguement. Behind them, Kaoru cursed. How much longer were they going to drive in circles like this? It was like they were in a wild goose chase, as the gaijin might put it, although he failed to understand what ambulating after a demented fowl had to do with it. Fortunately, he thought to himself, he had other things to keep him busy while he followed them. Behind Kaoru, William and Thelma were following, with limited success. "No, Thelma!" William said. "It is *this* peddle that releases the combustible liquid. *This* peddle causes a decrease in horizontal velocity." "I don't get these primitive 'autos,' William," Thelma complained. "They are so inefficient when compared to our Dalan vehicles." "I know," William said. "But we must make do with what is available to us. We've been assigned to make sure Agent Circle K stays safe, and we are not going to shirk our duty!" The strange procession of cars drove on. After they had passed, Dr. Madhatter and Willard Scott stepped out of the shadows. "That was close," Willard growled. "True, my friend," Madhatter said. "But beneficial! I recognized some of the drivers. They are members of the Moroboshi family. This means that they too must be searching for your idiot son!" Waddling back to the Madhattermobile, they drove off, as fearsome beastie's roared in the distance. WILL ANY OR ALL OF THEM FIND RAD? WILL MANNY SURVIVE LEAPING FROM A THOUSAND-FOOT-HIGH OFFICE BUILDING? WHY DID HARDEHARHARLOCK PULL SUCH A BONEHEADED STUNT? WILL ULTRAGUY BE ABLE TO TURN THE TIDE? ARE THINGS STARTING TO MAKE ANY MORE SENSE YET? ALL THIS AND THE MONSTER MASH ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 05 Apr 1990 23:48:45 Subject: Monster Mash, Round One From: Prisoner Number Six <34EPWQL@CMUVM> Origin: University of Maine BBS Processor RAD #30: "Monster Mash, Round One" by Gary W. Olson (Just call him "Spam") Mike Polinski gaped at the three large beings duking it out in the middle of downtown Tokyo. There was a giant, gleaming robotic guardian, a large monster that resembled a cockroach in some respects, and.... Mike recognized the third monster. Over a thousand feet tall, the great lizard Godziller stared back at Polinski as he stared at Godziller. Yes, they knew each other. Very well. Godziller lowered his head and charged the large prehistoric hockey player, a tremendous growl echoing from his throat. Polinski was ready. He sidestepped and grabbed Godziller around the waist as he passed, causing them both to roll to the ground, crashing through the bases of a few more skyscrapers. On the bridge of the SDF-1, Captain Grovel watched in fascination. "Increase magnification, Leeza," he ordered. She did. "Incredible, sir," Leeza said after viewing the spectacle on the screen. "It looks like Godziller is...*licking* Polinski's face!" Incredible though it was, it was true. Far from savaging Polinski with teeth and claws, Godziller was giving Polinski a royal facewashing. Soon, Godziller rolled on his back and thumped his tail as Polinski scratched his belly, causing several more buildings to lose chunks of concrete. "Good ol' Godziller," Mike said. "I haven't seen you since you were the mascot for our hockey team! How've ya been, boy?" If it wasn't for the massive property damage it was causing, the scene would have rivaled any scene in "Lassie" for tear-jerking reunion value. The reunion was rudely interrupted when a metallic form slammed into the two, sending them rolling. Leeza Hades quickly identified it. "It looks like a robotic form of Godziller, sir," she said. "Origin unknown. Also, sir, two more monsters approaching from the southeast... their forms correspond to silhouettes of King Gaudyra and Gigoon." That was just said when a tremendous burst of static electricity, projected by the dragon-headed King Gaudyra, struck the SDF-1 and sent it toppling. No sooner had this surprise occured when another surprise came: they were being helped back up. "Who...?" asked Grovel. "This is incredible sir," Leeza said. "The computer identifies our helper as...Ultraguy!" "But I thought he was retired." "Looks like he just un-retired himself, sir." So it did. Ultraguy, who had only seconds before been Kaneda Suhiro, C.E.O. and President of Mitsubiggi Corp, was helping the SDF-1 to its feet. The figure was humaniod, with a metallic silvery skin and an odd, alien face. He had been legendary in the mid-60's and 70's, when low-budget monsters threatened Tokyo weekly. "Hmmmph," Grovel said. "This should make the odds more even." ----------------------------------------------------------------- "Are you crazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...!" Manny Seconds screamed as Captain Hardeharharlock led him into a running jump through the top floor office building window of the Mitsubiggi building, over a thousand feet tall. They hung in the air for a moment, suspended far above the hard Earth below, then began to fall. The fall ended a moment later when they landed in a hovercar which had been floating outside the window waiting for them. At the controls, a thin woman dressed in black, with long, flowing brunette hair, turned to face them. "I was wondering if you'd make it, Hardeharharlock," she said. "You didn't have to stay for dessert, you know." "Just drive, La Brime..." Hardeharharlock said. He turned to Manny, who still had his hands plastered to his face. Slowly, Manny relaxed and looked around him. "I'm not dead...I'm not dead..." he said. "Who are you?" "My name," the dark, suave figure said, "is Hardeharharlock. I'm captain of a pirating starship, the 'Video Arcadia'. We fight tyranny and injustice wherever we can, usually against our own native governments." "What brings you here?" "We detected two of what you call monsters being driven towards this planet. As it is the place of my birth, I naturally could not sit and do nothing. So we tried to stop them, but to no avail. I came to that building to see if an old friend of mine would assist me in preventing the destruction, but I see he is already at work." Hardeharharlock pointed at Ultraguy, who at the moment had Megaloon in a figure-four duplex hold. "I'm sorry," he continued. "I sometimes forget the thought of otherplanetary contact is new to some people..." "Not me," Manny said. "Hell, my partner sleeps with an alien..." "Who's your partner?" "He's a super hero from America, name of 'Rad.' Knowing him, he should be around here somewhere, getting into trouble..." "Perhaps he can help us," Hardeharharlock mused. "Not against the monsters, necessarily, but against those who control them..." ----------------------------------------------------------------- By a stunning coincidence, Rad *was* in Tokyo, getting into trouble. He, along with government trouble-shooters Key and Yury, had burst into a top-level Sonny boardroom meeting. Now, normally, this would be embarassing to Rad, Key and Yury, as the board members would proceed to ask them pointed questions such as "Hey, what's the meaning of this? Who are you? Why aren't any of you wearing very much clothing? Who does your hair? How did you get such a fantastic tan? How many France's can fit in the Amazon Basin?" and other mind-ticklers. This, however, proved to be somewhat embarassing to the board members, as they were dressed in tribal garments and were in the process of sacraficing their C.E.O. to appease the Gods. I'm sure you can imagine how that would cause one to blush. "Intruders!" one board member shrieked. "What? Where?" another shrieked. "Oh, there!" "Untie me!" Ran Mikoto shouted. Rad, fortunately, had the presence of mind to psychokinetically push the tribalistic board members out of the way before Key and Yury opened up with their large armaments. They succeeded in shooting off the ropes holding Mikoto, without hitting him. Unfortunately, they also turned the altar and the representation of the Awnoddagyin god into little tiny dust fragments, which tended to peeve the tribal board people. Rad psychokinetically knocked each of them out, which, given the scope of this narrative, was convenient. "Thank you thank you thank you oh master oh lord of all that is tan..." Mikoto bowed before a befuddled Rad. "Like, what's going on, dude?" Rad asked. "Like, who are you?" "I am Ran Mikoto, my liege," Mikoto said. "I was the son of the cheif of the Awnoddagyin Tribe, and C.E.O. and President of Sonny Corporation, which my former tribe controlled. My former cheif and father was displeased with my failure to capture you, so he ordered that I be sacraficed to the Gods so they would favor the tribe once again." "Did your tribe send out Megaloon?" Key asked. "Yes, oh yes, my lady," Mikoto replied. "It was to be our revenge on your people for inflicting upon us the cursed MTV. I fear now that that has been a mistake." "You got that right, dude," Rad said. "Oh, the shame!" Mikoto screamed. "You must kill me, my master. I no longer deserve to live! Suffer me no more, oh holy one!" "Like, dude, will you, like, stop bowing like that?" Rad said, a bit exasperated. "I'll, like, spare your life if you can answer my question." "Ask me, oh liege, ask me!" "Where is your former tribe located?" Yury asked. "That is easy, my lady! I can lead you to them!" "Not that question, dude. *My*, like, question. Like, do you know who is, like, holding my babe, Glum, and where?" "Yes, my liege. My informants tell me all. Your Glum is being held by the organized crime organization known as the Jakuzi. She is being held in the office of the rulers of that feared organization, the Ito twins. That building is just three blocks from here." "Rad!" Key said. "First we have to get the tribe to recall Megaloon!" "Like, yah, I will," Rad said. "But not until I, like, rescue Glum." They stared at each other for a moment. Finally, Yury said "Allright! Allright! Come on! We haven't got all day. Let's go!" "Thank you for sparing me, my liege," Mikoto said as they scrambled into the elevator. "I shall worship you until the sacred cows return to their celestial homes. I shall sing your praises..." "Like, dude," Rad said. "Shut up." "Yes, my liege," Mikoto said. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Arriving on the street, they were surprised to see that the monster quotient of the city had virtually soared while they were inside. Rad counted eight battling figures overall. "The building we search for," Mikoto spoke up again, "is that one!" He pointed to a towering glass office building which had as a sign on the top "The Ito Building - not an organized crime hideout, really". Rad noted with alarm that two figures locked in combat, Gigoon and Ultraguy, were stumbling dangerously close to the building. Forgetting how thoroughly trashed he had gotten in his previous encounter with a thousand foot tall being, Rad flew as fast as he could towards them, determined to keep them from the building. Inside, Glum could see Rad attacking the two from where she was tied up. The six-inch high Ito twins, leaders of the Jakuzi, didn't even break stride in their ceremonial dance, as they chanted for Mothball to come and rescue Tokyo, as though another monster was what the city really needed at that point. "That's him!" Glum shouted. "There's my darling!" "So that's the gaijin our agents have been hunting for?" the twins said as they finished their dance. "Odd how insignificant he has suddenly become." "He is not insignificant!" Glum railed. "My darling has never been defeated by anyone or anything!" "Always a first time, dear," the Ito twins said sadly. It looked like they were right. Gigoon threw Ultraguy down and swatted Rad with one of his pincers, sending him soaring away. Mike Polinski recognized the figure sailing towards him. "Duh, just couldn't stay away?" he asked. He raised his hockey stick in baseball fashion and hit a line drive through several skyscrapers, with Rad only surviving by throwing up a psychokinetic shield. He impacted against the SDF-1, causing it to misfire it's rockets, missing Roboziller. As Rad fell, Roboziller booted him like a football, sending him soaring through the sky again. His path was deflected when King Gaudyra swung one of his heads and hit Rad, sending him in an entirely new direction. Rad flew a ways and struck another midair object - the massive form of Mothball. It looked like a mothball, only with wings and eyes and a mouth. Being a monster, it was somewhat confused when Rad hit it, and consequently did nothing as Rad slowly peeled off of it and fell to the Earth below. ------------------------------------------------------------------ The impact had caused a small crater. Two figures were in the crater, looking over the broken (but still very well tanned) figure of the once-mighty hero being. "Is he dead?" Willard Scott asked, growling. "No," Dr. Madhatter replied. "His psychokinetic powers saved him from that. But we will need to take him to my lab quickly to heal him." "Why do we want to do that?" Scott asked. "What has he done for us?" "We need a healthy subject for our madness weapon, remember? Your fool son is hardly any good to us damaged." "I guess you're right," Scott growled. Together, they picked Rad up and gingerly carried him to the Madhattermobile, which took off seconds later. Behind them, two more figures gasped. "What do we do, Uncle?" Akane asked. Her uncle looked sagely. "We must follow them," he counseled. "Those men are up to no good!" So they did. Behind them followed Kaoru Moroboshi's car, and behind that, the car of Dalan agents William and Thelma. WILL MADHATTER SAVE RAD ONLY TO DRIVE HIM LOONY? WILL MUCH OF TOKYO STILL BE STANDING AFTER THIS IS DONE? HOW WILL RAD DEAL WITH HIS FIRST WORSHIPPER? WILL WILLIAM AND THELMA EVER TRY THE PRIMITIVES' KISSING RITUAL? IS GODZILLER PAPER-TRAINED? WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT? THEY DIDN'T *HAVE* PAPER BACK THEN! ALL THIS AND FOAMING AT THE MOUTH IN AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 09 Apr 1990 19:48:51 Subject: Rad 31: Sanity is Just a State of Mind From: Ranma no BAKA! <34EPWQL@CMUVM> Origin: University of Maine BBS Processor RAD #31: "Sanity is Just a State of Mind" by Gary W. Olson (BBC Programmer) "It worked! It worked!" the Ito twins exclaimed. Glum looked out the bay window of the office of the dimunitive Jakuzi overlords to see what to some would surely be an impressive, or at the very least monumentally ridiculous, scene. A monster which looked like a mothball with wings was buzzing Gigoon, keeping the other monster from attacking Jakuzi headquarters. "Mothball is here!" they exclaimed. Glum yawned. "Looks like a blimp to me," she said. "Sure this isn't just a promo for a world tour or something?" The Ito twins rounded menacingly on Glum. Well, they rounded as menacingly as six inch tall island natives turned underworld bosses can. "Watch what you say," they said. "It took a lot of guidance from us for our saviour to get here, especially through all that stuff coming off the Alaskan jetstream. We -- ehhhh?" The Ito twins were somewhat surprised to see the doors to their office being blasted off of their hinges. Compounding that, they were surprised to the hinges being blasted off the door frame. To add further insult to injury, they were surprised to see the door frame being blasted off of the wall. They were quite angry by the time the wall itself was reduced to rubble. They snapped their fingers and a cadre of the finest Jakuzi ninjas sprang forward to meet their assailants. Gunfire and explosions ensued, as the ninjas returned to the room, bleeding profusely and ruining the lovely white carpet. "All right, everyone, freeze!" Key yelled, hoisting her bazooka. Yury was behind her, hoisting a rocket launcher and an AK-47. Everyone, natch, froze. "You...you..." the Ito twins growled. "Put a cork in it, dears," Yury said, moving to untie Glum. That done, she spared a glance at the bay window, in time to see Godziller bearing down on the building. Both Mothball and Gigoon seemed to have moved on. "Yiiiii!" everyone said. Further color commentary ensued, and Key and Yury raised their weapons and fired. Missiles and blasts and bullets ripped through the bay window, exploding against the reptilian monster. Angered thusly, Godziller thrashed about, his tail coming into destructive contact with the side of the Jakuzi building. There was an awful cracking sound as the building started to list to the right a bit. In the lower levels screams and explosions could be heard. The Ito twins leapt to the intercom and pressed a button. "Abandon the building! Move to rendezvouz points at once!" Yury rushed back into the office. "The elevators in flames! So's the stairs!" There was an electric pause as everyone looked at Godziller again. The monster was rearing back, about to deliver the coup de grace. "No time to lose!" Glum shouted. She grabbed Key and Yury by their waists and accelerated through the window. Twisting, she ended up doing a 360 loop to avoid Godziller as he collided with the building, sending it rumbling to the ground. Godziller roared like the macho lizard he is. Sighing with relief, Glum slowed down and looked at Key and Yury. Their faces seemed kind of green, and Glum wondered why. "Never...never..." Yury said, "...grab anyone by the stomach like that! Ooooooohhhhh...." Glum looked for a rooftop that they could safely set down on while Key and Yury recovered. Suddenly, she spotted what looked like a hovercar, which was odd because, for the most part, hovercars were not a normal feature of this planet. Focusing on it, she saw four figures riding in it. One of them was Manny! Accelerating once again, she overtook the hovercar and quite literally "dropped in," landing on the two figures in the rear seat of the car. After everyone was sorted out again, Glum recognized another of the figures. "Captain Hardeharharlock?!" she exclaimed. "Why are you here?" "I might ask you the same question, my lady," the debonair pirate answered. Noticing the look on Glum's face, he assured her quickly. "Do not worry, my lady. My purpose here does not involve taking you back to your father. I am a pirate and a rebel, but not a bounty hunter." Key, struggling to an upright position, looked in the front seat. The driver was unfamiliar, but the one in the passenger seat was Ran Mikoto. "We found him wandering the streets babbling about the 'tan saviour'," the driver, who introduced herself as La Brime, answered. "Your friend here thinks he may be referring to the super being called Rad." Manny shrugged and smiled. "Do you know him, ladies?" Hardeharharlock asked. Quickly, Key and Yury related how they encountered Rad and how he helped them expose the Sonny Corporation as being run by the Awnoddagyin Tribe, which was running the monster Megaloon. They also related how Mikoto, the former C.E.O, had for some reason decided that Rad was a divine being, and how he was leading them to where Glum was being held by the Jakuzi when Rad attacked the monsters and subsequently disappeared. "This is good," Hardeharharlock said. "It means that we are about to reverse some of the Dalans gains on this planet." "Huh?" Manny said. "Who are the Dalans?" "They are a computer-ruled, logic-driven race, bent on eliminating illogic from the universe," Hardeharharlock went on. "They've had designs on Earth for centuries. Through manipulation of Earth agencies such as the Awnoddagyin Tribe and subliminal manipulation of some of the monsters, they hope to destroy the Earth population through a terrible battle of monsters." "I've seen some worlds where they've done this," Glum said in a subdued voice. "It was horrible...so horrible..." "A large Dalan fleet is in space above Tokyo," Hardeharharlock said. "From it, the Controller directs his agents on Earth. Somewhere in Tokyo there is a master agent for the Dalans, one who has been here since birth in anticipation of this day. Finding him is our best hope now of ending this." "You're not going anywhere," two voices said in unison. Everyone looked around, but could see nothing. "Down here," the voices said in exasperation. They looked down. The Ito twins climbed out of a pouch in Yury's belt. "We didn't get to be Jakuzi leaders by being slow," they explained. "Now land this craft at once." To make their point, they hefted a small needle, although to them it was about the size of a spear. That it was laced with poison was accepted pretty much as a given. ----------------------------------------------------------- Rad came to consciousness strapped to a table. He wondered where he was, why he was strapped down, and why he wasn't dead after having been turned into a human volleyball by the monsters in his last encounter with them. He heard an evil growling which gave him a chill. "Like, dad, like, is that you?" he asked. Willard Scott chuckled evilly. "That's right, m'boy," Willard said. "Allow me to introduce my... ah...associate..." Scott gave a cry of surprise as Madhatter jabbed him. "Uhhh...my boss...Dr. Madhatter." Rad looked at the diminutive mad scientist with the large foam cowboy hat. "Like, we've met, dude. Like, remember?" "Yesss...I remember...ooooh boy, do I remember!" Madhatter cackled. "It was eight months ago, when I was about to turn Key and Yury into homicidal maniacs, when you flew in and spoiled my aim. As it was, they turned into partial maniacs but I'm told you had a hand in wrapping that up as well." "Like, among other appendages, yes." Madhatter waddled over to a table and picked up a big, evil-looking scientific-type rifle. "This is my masterpiece: the Madness Rifle X-LOON Mark IIIb Paragraph 12!!! And guess who my test subject will be?" "Is this, like, a multiple, like, choice question?" "Shut up!" Madhatter yelled. "That was a rhetorical question! Anyway, no time to lose! Willard, set up the rifle." "Yes sir!" Willard said. "No time to lose? I don't think I've heard that phrase before. What does it mean?" "Never mind!" Madhatter screamed, as steam escaped his ears. Willard and his pint-sized assistant Herb Villachez succeeded in hoisting the rifle into it's slot directly above the table. Madhatter quickly connected wires and things to it, then ran to a control panel. In a dark corner of the lab, two figures watched intently. "What are they doing, uncle?" Akane Moroboshi asked. "I don't know," Uncle Ho whispered. "But we must be ready to stop it. Get ready...set..." Uncle Ho was about to say "go!" and charge the two evil scientists when he suddenly found himself struggling with chloroform. He saw Akane was also struggling. Just before he passed out, Ho recognized his assailant. "Kaoru," he whispered. "How could you..." He then fell unconscious. "Today," Kaoru said, "I will finally be rid of my accursed stepbrother. He stared at the table, where Rad was strapped and struggling. "Truly, this is a day I have looked forward to all of my life." The Madness Rifle started to glow a bright green. Power built up within it's sleek barrel, seeming to rain electricity around it. With a tremendous crack, the energy exploded in a single direction - outward towards Rad. Rad was bathed in the green light, bombarded by the emerald electricity. A horrible roar echoed from the table. At last the energy was expended, and the smoke cleared. Madhatter and Scott walked back in front of the table, to view a very different Rad. He was still dressed the same, and still had a totally stupendous tan. What was different was mostly the snarling, the look of utter chaos in the eyes, and the foaming at the mouth. "He seems to have taken on the more violent characteristics of madness," commented Madhatter. "We shall have to work to shape his madness to serve us without harming us -- ehhhh?" With a savage roar, Rad ripped away one of his bonds and fired a tremendous psychokinetic blast into the ceiling. Madhatter stumbled back. "I don't understand," Madhatter said. "Those bonds could hold him back with ease before!" Nevertheless, Rad easily ripped away his remaining bonds. It wasn't clear that he was after anything, or that he even realized who he was with. He roared, like Lou Ferrigno but with less lung, and punctured a hole in the ceiling to the ground level of Tokyo, almost twenty feet up. He tore off at an astonishing rate of speed up to the surface soon afterwards. Kaoru looked on the scene in shock. His stepbrother had suddenly become much more dangerous, and he had to act immediately. Leaving Akane and Uncle Ho in the lab, Kaoru quietly escaped. ------------------------------------------------------------ "No, no, Thelma, I'm sure the primitives tilt their heads to opposite sides slightly when they conduct their ritual data-transfer," Agent William said. They had followed the Moroboshis here, but had lost them. Thelma had convinced William that now was an excellent opportunity to replicate the ceremony, as the Controller had dictated that they record as much about this primitive culture as they could. "But why, William? The data portals would be out of sync then." "I know, Thelma. But this necessity is dictated by the fact that if they didn't, their noses would collide and prevent meaningful contact. "I see," Thelma said. "Let us try it now." The two Dalan agents leaned together and met lips. They waited a moment and parted. "That was interesting, Thelma," William said. "But it seemed that the primitives did something else during the ritual." "True," Thelma replied. "It appeared that the two we saw exerted a vacuum force against each other, like a magnetic seal." They tried the ritual again, this time exerting a vacuum force. It took them a while to break away. When they finally did, it was to see Rad bursting from the ground and streaking into the sky. A few seconds later the sonic booms followed. "What is that human going to do?" Thelma asked. "He appears to be attacking the monsters again," commented William. "How illogical," Thelma commented, and paused. "Should we not try the ritual once again? It created confusing sensations for me." "I felt them too," William said. "They are detrimental to our efficient functioning. Therefore, logic dictates that we must pursue the ritual no further." Thelma nodded and said nothing. IS RAD GOING TO GET HIS ASS KICKED YET AGAIN? HAS HE GONE TRULY OVER-THE-EDGE LOOPY NOW? CAN GLUM, MANNY, AND HARDEHARHARLOCK SAVE HIM? WILL SUPERGUY GET HERE IN TIME? WHAT WILL BE THE NEXT OBSCURE PLANET CLAIRE REFERENCE? NO...UH...TIME *TO*...UH...LOSE (I'M NOT GETTING IT, AM I?) ALL THIS AND YOU BET YOUR LIFE ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 12 Apr 1990 22:07:04 Subject: Rad 32: Monster Mash, Round Two From: Ranma no BAKA! <34EPWQL@CMUVM> Origin: University of Maine BBS Processor RAD #32: "Monster Mash, Round Two" by Gary W. Olson (the IBM doth stinkth) Captain Grovel was not having a good day. His ship, the SDF-1, was in mortal combat with a number of monsters. His only ally was the silvery-skinned 70's monster fighter Ultraguy and the mothball with wings aptly named "Mothball." The monsters he was fighting against had also broken into factions. Godziller and Mike Polinski had teamed up, as had King Gaudyra, Gigoon and Roboziller. Megaloon appeared to be playing both sides against the middle. All the other factions, though, seemed to like beating up on Grovel's faction the most. "Commander Hayes!" one of the cadets on the bridge of the Super- Doubletalk-Fortress-1 called out. "We've got a new bogie on our scopes, coming in at Mach two. He's already outstripped Captain Hooter's squad." "Identification!" Leeza Hades ordered. The cadet punched up the identification matrix. "Humanoid, about 6'4", mass 184 lbs. Going too fast to pick up distinguishing characteristics. But...oh my..." "What is it, Shammie?" "It has a tan of magnitude...twenty!" The entire bridge crew gasped in unison at this startling news. A tan of magnitude three was considered quite well tanned. The average Californian averaged a five. Magnitude seven was the deepest level discernable to the eye, unless the eye was watching high-definition-television, in which case up to magnitude twelve was visible. Magnitude twenty was the pinnacle of tannitude, and the crew knew that there was only one being on Earth with such an awesome tan. "It has to be," Leeza said. "It's the American super hero Rad. But he isn't powerful enough to help us...aaaiiiiighhh!" The scream came in when the SDF-1, which to outside appearances resembled a gigantic robotic guardian, was rammed and quite literally flown into an adjacent skyscraper. "What was that?" demanded Captain Grovel. He was angry, partially because he knew that his ship and crew were in serious trouble, but moreso because that ramming had caused him to spill his pipe and tobacco. "Rad...rammed us, sir," Leeza said. "Trajectory confirmed." "But I thought he was a good guy," Grovel said. The monsters outside the SDF-1 were regarding Rad with equal suspicion. Rad, however, did not seem worried. In fact, he seemed to be quite violently deranged, what with bloodlust in his eyes, roaring all the time, and foaming at the mouth. This time, appearances corresponded with truth. Soaring into the air again, he fired a vicious psychokinetic blast into Megaloon's chest, knocking the cockroach-like monster over. Diving, he rammed Ultraguy in a ... ah ... sensitive area, shall we say. Now, over Ultraguy's decades of fighting low-budget monsters, he never made a vocal sound, until now, when he let out one hell of a yell of pain and doubled over. Rad rose snarling into the air, looking for another target. "Duh," said Mike Polinski, more eloquently than most people say 'duh,' "I'll take care of you, Like Rad..." Polinski swung his stick over his head and brought it crashing down on Rad. When Polinski opened his eyes, he was surprised to see Rad still hovering in front of him. "You...you...you broke my stick..." Polinski said, looking at his cracked hockey stick. "Nobody ever broke my stick..." Polinski didn't have time to say much more, as he found himself being blasted into a skyscraper, as Rad's howls of madness filled the sky. Others noticed them as well, namely those in a nearby hovercar. "This 'Rad' is truly a formidable super being," Hardeharharlock said. "I don't understand," Glum said. "Darling was never this powerful. For that matter, he didn't growl much, or have foam dripping from his mouth, except of course for when he and I..." "Ahem..." said Manny. "He was never that powerful." "Hey," a couple of female voices said. "Have you forgotten about us?" No one had, it appeared, forgotten the two six-inch high Jakuzi overlords who were threatening to stab Yury with a poison-laced sewing needle. The hovercar landed at a deserted intersection a couple of blocks away from the main battle area. One of the Ito twins climbed up Yury's arm and leaped onto the back end of the car (it's a convertible, don't worry, these are cool pirates...) and leaped from there to the sidewalk below. She must have made a signal, because a large contingent of ninja-type people came out from where they were hiding, a shadow being cast by a telephone pole. "We are glad you have made it to the rendezvouz point," the twins said. "Disarm these gaijin and hold them for questioning." The Jakuzi ninjas were about to do so, when a large contigent of what looked to be alien buddhist monks in leather jackets with banana clip glasses counterattacked. "Dalans!" Hardeharharlock shouted. His driver and companion, La Brime, jumped out of the car and whipped out a laser pistol, shooting at the masses of deadly agents that were fighting a mini-war around the hovercar. Key took advantage of this and plucked the other Ito twin off of Yury's hand before she could stab her with the poison needle and tossed the dimun- itive underworld boss onto the sidewalk. They then whipped out their armaments, namely a rocket launcher, a bazooka, and assorted automatic weapons. Fighting effectively stopped after a few of the buildings around them were collapsed into dust. "Well, it's not *my* fault!" Key was insisting. "Can I help it if they make these things so hard to aim?" "Enough!" Hardeharharlock said. "Ito twins - we fight a common enemy, these Dalans. They are the true enemy, not of only us, but of all life on this planet." He quickly retold what he had told Manny, Glum, Key, and Yury last episode, that the Dalans were subverting the underground organizat- ions of Earth, such as the Awnoddagyin Tribe and the Jakuzi, as well as subliminally controlling monsters of their own, to perpetrate a "war of the monsters" that would eventually expand to destroy all lifeforms on Earth. "Is this true?" the Ito twins asked the nearest Dalan. "It is not logical to expect a Dalan to give a true answer willingly to a primitive such as yourself," the Dalan said. "Perhaps we can 'persuade' you," Key said, walking up in a very alluring manner and placing the nozzel of her AK-47 under his chin. "I see your point," the Dalan said. "It is true." "Who is your leader?" Hardeharharlock asked. "The Controller!" the Dalan said. "Everyone knows that." "No," Hardeharharlock said. "I mean, your leader here." He then answered his own question, for he saw that person. "Never mind." He walked in front of a Dalan that was dressed differently than the others, not in what appeared to be the Dalan uniform, but in human civilian clothes. "Agent Circle K, I presume." "That is correct, human. How did you know?" "While I am a native of this world," Hardeharharlock said, "I have not lived here much. I am familiar with Dalan custom and mode of operation. You fit the bill nicely." Manny and Glum came forward, and were shocked. "I don't believe it..." Manny said. "You...you're..." ------------------------------------------------------------------ Dr. Madhatter and Willard Scott were still cleaning up from Rad's violent escape when they heard low groans coming from a darkened corner. "Who is that?" Scott growled. "It looks like..." Madhatter said, "Your idiot son's stepsister and stepuncle. What in tarnation are they doing here?" Akane and Uncle Ho struggled unsteadily to their feet. They had been there since having been knocked out by Rad's stepbrother Kaoru before they could prevent Madhatter and Scott from using their madness weapon on Rad. They noticed the aforementioned mad scientists closing in on them now. "Uncle..." Akane said. "There's nothing we can do," Ho said. "Be calm." They became so calm it took them several minutes to notice that they were now floating on air. When they did notice, they were shocked. "I don't understand it, Uncle..." Akane said. "What is going on?" They began floating over to the hole Rad made during his escape and up it. "I don't know," Uncle Ho said. "Whatever it is, we seemingly cannot control this. It is an outside influence." Madhatter and Scott could only scratch their heads as the two floated out of their hideout and towards the edge of Tokyo. ------------------------------------------------------------------- "You're Kaoru Moroboshi!" Manny finally got out. Agent Circle K/Kaoru Moroboshi nodded silently, smiling just a little. "How could you betray your family like that?" Glum shouted, jolting him with upwards of 6000 volts of electricity. A wisp of smoke curled up from Kaoru's hair, but he did not cry out in pain. He continued to smile slightly. "He is not part of the family," Hardeharharlock said. "He is the cheif Dalan agent on Earth, the one responsible for the manipulations of Earth agencies towards this day. He was planted here as an infant, likely adopted by the Moroboshi's, correct?" Kaoru nodded. "It was almost too easy. And it gets even easier." "How do you mean?" Key asked, again threatening with her AK-47. "By now, Akane Moroboshi and Ho Moroboshi are in my people's hands. They followed my stepbrother into the city, hoping to stop his fools errand. They succeeded in tracking him to the lair of Dr. Madhatter and Willard Scott." Key and Yury gasped at the mention of Madhatter, and Glum gasped at the mention of Scott. Both were longtime enemies of Key and Yury, and Rad, respectively. Glum recalled that her SO had said something about his father escaping from the psychiatric dairies before getting on the plane to Japan. "I followed, and prevented them from preventing Madhatter from driving my stepbrother insane with his madness weapon. Unfortunately, this now appears to have been a poor strategy, as my stepbrother is now far more powerful than ever before, not to mention violently insane." He paused as the immense form of Roboziller went sailing overhead. "However, I attached levitation devices and homing beacons to their bodies. The Controller has undoubtedly taken them hostage by now. So please, hand over *your* weapons." "It's a trick," Ran Mikoto, president and CEO of Sonny Corporation, said. "The saviour cannot be insane, for he is the divine one. Therefore, what this man says is heresy, and he should be burned at the stake. That, or he should be forced to watch "The Shopping Channel" for a week straight." The others chided him for his cruelty - it was agreed no one deserved to be forced to watch the Shopping Channel. Meanwhile, nearby, two more Dalans discussed the situation. "Agent Circle K looks to be in trouble, Thelma," William said. "We shall have to create a diversion so that he may escape." "Are you sure?" Thelma asked. "I have been having doubts about the wisdom of the master plan of our people." "What?" William exclaimed. "This is illogical! Explain yourself!" "These primitives are emotional and illogical," Thelma said. "But, strangely, I do not find that to be as repulsive as I once had thought." William said nothing. He too had been experiencing such bizarre thoughts, and had been too ashamed of them to say anything. "I know what you are saying, Thelma. It must be a result of the primitive's strange data transfer ritual. Perhaps we practiced it incorrectly..." "No, we did it correctly," Thelma said. "But I agree. We must rescue Agent Circle K. After this is over, we must get an emotional purge, so that we are functioning at full efficiency again. But first..." Thelma leaped on William and kissed him hard, making his ears wiggle. "I learned that from watching the primitive's communication net. 'Days of Our Lives,' was the name of the instruction tape." William silently was thankful that she hadn't been watching cable. The crowd in the intersection was surprised when laser blasts came raining down onto them. They exploded again into a fury of fighting and firing, this time with the Jakuzi fighting to defend Manny, Glum, etc. Things were about to seriously get out of control when Godziller crashed into the intersection, pulping most of the agents present, though miraculously missing everybody integral to the plot. The shocking thing about it was that Godziller, to all intents and purposes, looked unconscious, and severely battered, at that. The air was strangely silent. There was a bone-chilling roar. Rad, looking blood-drenched, insane, and most excellently tanned, was bearing down on them from the skies. It was immediately evident that it would not be a friendly visit. WILL ANYBODY SURVIVE RAD'S ATTACK? CAN RAD BE CURED? PICKLED? MARINATED? WILL MINUTEMAID BE PUT IN DANGER SO LT. HOOTER CAN RESCUE HER? DID ANY OF THAT BIT ABOUT TAN MAGNITUDE MAKE ANY SENSE? WILL THE AUTHOR REMEMBER TO WATCH "TWIN PEAKS" TONIGHT? WILL THE TIGERS WIN ANY BASEBALL GAMES THIS YEAR? ALL THIS AND BEAUTY AND THE BEAST ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 18 Apr 1990 12:35:23 Subject: Rad 33: Raging Baloney, third bl00pin' try... From: Ranma no BAKA! <34EPWQL@CMUVM> Origin: University of Maine BBS Processor RAD #33: "Raging Baloney" by Gary W. Olson (hand over your lupins!) Everyone scattered as the street was raked with psychokinetic explosions. Rad roared as he flew over and past them, the chaos in his eyes evident. "He's crazy!" Manny said, picking himself up from the pavement. "I don't understand," Glum said. "Why would darling attack us?" She looked at Rad's stepbrother, Kaoru Moroboshi, a.k.a. Agent Circle K, master agent of the Dalans on Earth. He smiled, knowingly. "Looks like Madhatter was more successful than he ever dreamed," Kaoru said. "Probably, it will be his undoing." "What do you know about this?" Key, one half of the infamous Muddy Pair, asked. Her partner, Yury, grabbed Kaoru's arms and pinned them behind his back. Kaoru remained silent. "We don't have time for this," Captain Hardeharharlock said. "Rad is coming around for another pass..." The group watched at the violently demented but still excitingly tanned super being dove at them again. Most of those still alive in the intersection hid behind upturned concrete, or the unconscious form of Godziller, whom Rad had beaten in the previous episode. Glum, however, stood squarely in the center of the road. Rad, instead of loosing another barrage of psychokinetic blasts, set down about ten feet from her. He roared and growled at her, waving his arms in such a way that most body-language experts, upon seeing it, would remark "Either he's totally flipped out or he's trying to arrange a duet with Julio Iglesias." The latter possibility was discounted because it was obvious that while Rad was crazy, he wasn't *that* crazy. "Darling," Glum said, gently, "...calm." She walked a step towards Rad, causing him to erupt into another paroxyism of rage and causing more body- language experts to make remarks to the effect that oat bran would have significant impact on the field of icthyology. Glum continued to walk closer to Rad, slowly. He stopped roaring, and simply growled a bit, looking suspiciously left and right and not foaming at the mouth so much. "There, there," she said. "I've got a nice bottle of tanning lotion for you..." Rad focused on the said bottle. He calmed down a bit, and started to whine a bit. Just then, laser bolts rained down again from an indeterminate location. Rad roared and tore into the sky, nearly knocking Glum over. Through psychokinetic blasts and simple ramming, he reduced a nearby skyscraper to rubble, and then flew off towards the Tokyo skyline. "I almost had him..." Glum said, as the others left their hiding places. "I...look!" Capt. Hardeharharlock said. "In the wreckage!" In the wreckage of the aforementioned skyscraper, two figures struggled to stand up. They were garbed in civilian wardrobe, but Hardeharharlock instantly recog- nized them for what they were. "Dalans!" Instantly, the duo were captured and brought down to the street. "Let us go, you primitives!" the male Dalan said. "We were only following orders!" The female Dalan did not struggle as much. "You're the ones who strafed us with laser fire both times," Manny said. "Yes, human, that is true," the male said. "But it was not intended to harm you, only to facilitiate a diversion so that Agent Circle K could escape." "Your names?" Hardeharharlock asked. "My name here is William," the male replied. "This is Thelma." "Do you know what you just did?" Glum said, advancing on them. "You ruined what may be my only chance to save my darling!" She then displayed her displeasure by zapping them with 9000 volts of electricity, which gave their hair a slightly singed look, and caused smoke to curl up from them. "We are sorry, human!" Thelma said. "We did not know that such was the situation. Our assignment was to protect Agent Circle K from harm, and to learn Earth customs, such as your data transfer ritual." "Data transfer ritual?" La Brime, Hardeharharlock's driver, asked. "Yes," Thelma said. "The one in which you bring your fuel intake portals into physical contact and exert a negative force, creating a vacuum seal. What is that you call it? Kibitzing? Fishing?" "Kissing?" Yury, still holding Kaoru back, asked. "Yes, that sounds right..." William said. "We both found the effects of this...kissing...most stimulating. It was most fascinating in its illogic. It produced...strange sensations in both of us..." "You'll both get a memory flush when we get back," Kaoru warned. "Such sensations are dangerous and can lead to system-wide breakdowns in the logical functioning of the Dalan race." "I'd simply be glad that you failed," Manny said. "It sounds like this guy is a bigger danger to you than a little lip-chewing ever could be." "Lip-chewing?" Thelma asked. "I was unaware that cannibalism was still sanctioned in this part of your planet." Manny rolled his eyes. "That is unimportant for the moment," Hardeharharlock said. "Can you help us find the hideout of Dr. Madhatter and Willard Scott?" "We believe we can," William said. "That would be where Rad burst out of the ground, yes? Follow us." The group started off where the two Dalan agents led. Manny looked around. "Hmmmm...where'd Glum get to?" ---------------------------------------------------------------- The Controller looked over the partially-wrecked form of Roboziller. How had that gaijin super being acquired so much power, he wondered in his cold, logical way. He gestured to a technician. "Technician!" he called. "How much longer until Roboziller is fully functioning once again?" "Approximately five hours, Controller," the Technician replied. Five hours, the Controller thought to himself. The plan could still commence. He looked into the sky. There was a small dot, moving fast towards them. The ground was suddenly raked with explosions. "The gaijin!" screamed his technicians. "He is attacking us! Retreat is the most logical course of action!" Cursing, the Controller joined in the hasty but controlled withdrawl, just in time. The plating of the face of Roboziller savagely blew outward, showering the position where he was only moments before with scrap metal, debris, and fourty-weight motor oil. Rad flew up on the huge metallic shape, determined to tear it to shreds. And tear he did. Metal flew here, metal flew there, until the land around Roboziller resembled a really avant-garde mini-mall. Rad, roaring, soared off in a new direction. The Dalans scrambled to examine the wreckage. "Total descruction," the head Technician said. "Across the board circuit disruption. Total dispersal of system functions. Total redistribution of wealth. No chance of recovery." The other technicians concurred with this. The Controller glared. Roboziller was their crowning achievement. Without him, their entire timetable was suspect. Quite possibly, this planet could succeed in repulsing them, something no planet with the exception of the Planet of People-Who-Pick-At-Their-Fingernails-And-Toenails had ever done. Cursing, he ordered the starship to rise. It appeared he would have to bring his two hostages into play, he mused. He looked at Akane Moroboshi and Ho Moroboshi, struggling with the bonds that held them fast to the far wall. He smiled a cold, heartless smile. ----------------------------------------------------------------- "We're innocent, I tell you!" Madhatter yelled as Ran Mikoto leveled his machine gun at him. The tan saviour's high priest, the one called "Manny" had told him to do so, so that was what he would do. And he would do it well, for as a reward the tan saviour would no doubt bestow upon him great gifts, like gold and silver and pictures of young nubile women in compromising positions and jell-o pudding and heaps of grated cheese and... "That's enough," Manny said. "We get the picture." Just trying to be complete. Besides, it's been a while since we've done this running joke. "Let's keep it a while longer," Manny said. "We know you did it, you two stereotypically evil mad scientists. Now tell us how!" "This is how," Hardeharharlock said. He gestured to a large rifle that was suspended from the ceiling, aimed at a table. He examined it for a while, then turned to address the others. "It is as I thought," he said. "This weapon opens a small portal to the Scary Dimension by creating a micro-nuclear-explosion, and projects it's substance into this dimension. Any being bombarded by a 'ray' from this gun would be driven utterly chaotic. Furthermore, all consious constraints upon the exercise of violence would be released." "Then Joe..." Key began. "...is suffering from the effects of this weapon. We are seeing the ultimate potential of his power, his maximum effect, unrestrained by the blocks put on his mind by whatever degree of sanity he previously had." "How can it be reversed?" Yury asked, while Kaoru seethed in her hold. The partial madness that Madhatter had caused Key and Yury had been reversed by the telepathic healing powers of the government agent known as Healer, with large quantities of assistance from her partner Faith, as well as Rad, Manny, Glum, Max Vax, Laura Laffalot, and an unidentified beach babe. "Easily," Hardeharharlock said. "I merely have to reverse the polarity of the gun...like so." He switched two wires on the gun, the two wires just above the sticker that read "switch these wires to reverse the polarity and restore sanity. Do not use on government officials, they're *supposed* to be insane." "Now...all we have to do is find Rad..." Manny said. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Rad felt a rumbling inside his stomach. Puzzled, he flew around in a rage some more. Eventually, it occured to him that he was hungry. Food, he thought ravenously. He dove down to the street, landing in front of a large shop with a sign in front that read "Tiki's Tofu Tent." Rad smashed the plate glass window and charged inside. The building was deserted, as would be expected, especially if you had seen a ravenous, foaming-at-the-mouth super being diving down towards it. There was no doubt about it. Everywhere, the interesting, truly Californ- ian substance was displayed for appetite-whetting effect. There was strawberry tofu, rocky road tofu, plaid tofu, and, interestingly enough, a tofu sculpture in the shape of a teenage mutant ninja turtle. Rad blew away the sculpture, causing many oppressed peoples far around the world to cheer vociferously for no discernable reason. Rad stormed into the back. Yes, there it was. The smell assaulted his senses, bringing out the animal in him. Raw tofu sat there, waiting to be processed. Rad proceeded to rip several big bites of raw tofu from where it was stored, which would have really grossed out the Californians, if they knew about it. Truly barbaric, if you're a true Californian. Most heinous, indeed. Rad turned when he heard a sound. He recognized the figure as one he had seen earlier. It wore a couple of breif tiger-striped garments, and its proportions were truly a sight to behold. Rad growled at it, thinking that it wanted his food. "There, there," Glum said, slowy advancing on Rad. "Take it easy. Friend...friend!" She put her hand out to him, almost touching his nose. Rad sniffed her hand a bit, until it dawned on him that humans don't really have a vast sense of smell, comparatively speaking. He turned back to his tofu eating, allowing Glum to scratch his head and behind his ears. "Darling, how did you get this motor oil on you?" Glum asked. Rad gave her an innocent 'who, me?' look and proceeded to pant with his tongue hanging out. Glum laughed, and then sighed. "Here...come here..." she said, as she slipped a dog collar around his neck. She had picked it up from where it had been discarded on the street, along with its accompanying leash. "Come on, darling! Come on!" Glum coaxed. Rad barked and woofed and galloped out of the store at a fast lope, while Glum trailed behind, wondering if this was how Marmaduke's owner felt. --------------------------------------------------------------- "Controller!" the Tactician said. "We are getting signals from King Gaudyra and Gigoon. They are reviving!" "Good. What about the other monsters?" "They are all reviving, according to sensors. Apparantly the gaijin was either too delirious or unable to damage them severely. Estimate that they will all be active again in 14.378 minutes." "Good..." the Controller said. "Carry on." Perhaps the plan was not halted after all. The destruction of Tokyo would proceed apace. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO RAD? IS THIS NARRATIVE GOING TO THE DOGS? WHAT WOULD THE BODY-LANGUAGE EXPERTS SAY ABOUT IT? WILL ANYONE VISIT THE AVANT-GARDE MINI-MALL? WHY WOULD ANYONE BE INTERESTED IN GRATED CHEESE? ISN'T SUPERGUY HERE YET? ALL THIS AND THE FINAL ROUND ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 21 Apr 1990 18:55:31 Subject: Rad 34: Monster Mash, Final Round From: Ranma no BAKA! <34EPWQL@CMUVM> Origin: University of Maine BBS Processor RAD #34: "Monster Mash, Final Round" by Gary W. Olson (owner of Audrey III) The group escorted Dr. Madhatter and Willard Scott out of their secret hideout, to join their other captives, Agents Circle K, William, and Thelma. "Well," said Manny, "Now all we have to do is find Joe and we're set." Behind him, Key and Yury were carrying Madhatter's madness rifle, which had been the cause of Rad going violently insane. Everyone else was taking care not to walk in front of them, in case something happened that would later be disclaimed by them as being "not our fault." "Manny!" a female voice called. Manny turned to see an intriguing sight. Glum was standing in front of the group in her tiger-striped bikini, holding a leash. On the other end of that leash was Rad, apparantly trying to scratch his ear with his foot. Upon seeing the group, Rad started growling and snarling, only to calm down when Glum scratched his scalp. "Good work, my lady," the space pirate Captain Hardeharharlock said. "It appears that the effect has settled somewhat, so that he is not as violent as before. Apparantly he also thinks he's a dog. We've located a way to reverse the phenomenon. Please stand back." Glum did. Key and Yury hefted the large rifle and fired. A bright white beam struck Rad, and a green sort of energy seemed to flow from him, through the beam and back into the rifle. After the effect died down, Rad collapsed. "Like...what's goin on, dudes..." he moaned, and sat back up. "Dr. Madhatter and your father," Yury said, "Drove you mad by exposing you to the Scary dimension. But we've managed to siphon off the energy." "Like...thanks..." Rad said. "Like...why am I, like, wearing this dog collar, like, y'know? Was I, like, doing anything, like, that Terry Rakolta wouldn't, like, approve of?" Rad seemed disappointed when he learned that he hadn't, only that he'd destroyed a large portion of Tokyo. "Wow," he said, looking at the beaten form of Godziller, "you mean, like, I really beat up this guy?" "Yes, darling," Glum said. "You beat all of them!" "Like wow..." Rad said. They turned from Godziller, unaware that Godziller had opened one of his enormous eyes and was looking at them. Ran Mikoto noticed this, however. "My lord and liege!" he said. Rad grimaced. "Look--" "Like, dude," Rad said. "How many, like, times have I, like, told you not to, like, call me that." "But--" Mikoto protested. "How many times?" "Once." "Okay, like, address me again, like, properly this time." "Rad! Look out behind you! Godziller has risen again!" "That's, like, better, like, dude. I--WHAT?!?!?" Rad and Glum spun around to behold a truly frightening sight. Godziller had risen once again, and he was standing over a thousand feet tall, quite impressive if you're looking at him from the perspective of about-to-being stomped. Suddenly, explosions ripped across Godziller's chest. The whole group spun again to behold the Super-Doubletalk-Fortress-1, having repaired itself, attacking Godziller again. Rad could tell from other, more distant sounds that the monsters were recovering from whatever he had done to them and were getting set to resume their battle. This time, though, he had no way to stop them. But he had to try. He shot up into the air, determined to stop the monsters. He blasted Godziller in the eye, and was surprised to see Godziller's other eye getting blasted by a bolt of electricity. Turning, he saw Glum flying beside him, and he smiled a tight smile. Together, then. As it should be. On the ground, there was chaos. The prisoners, forgotten, had made their move to escape. It was beyond La Brime's efforts to contain them, and they did so. Once safely away, they conversed. "Listen!" Madhatter said to Kaoru Moroboshi, aka Agent Circle K. "You've got to let us come back to your fleet with you!" "Why should I, primitive?" Kaoru menaced. Behind him, William and Thelma grimaced at the use of the word "primitive." "We can help you," Madhatter said. "We can give you the secrets of our madness inducing weapons! You'll be powerful! Rich!" Kaoru sneered. "I'll take you to our fleet all right." He produced a hidden laser pistol. "As prisoners! We Dalans value logic above all else. Your madness-causing device is an utter afront to our logicity. Therefore, to preserve our logarithms, we must take you back to our fleet and let our Controller gloat about our supremacy before we obliterize you with completely gratituous special effects." Meanwhile, back with our group, the Ito twins approached Manny, who regarded them with suspicion while he admired how their tribal priestess clothing hung from their bodies strategically. "What do you want?" he said. "We know you are suspicious of us," they said in unison. "Just like we know you are admiring how our tribal priestess clothing is hanging from our bodies strategically." Manny blushed. "Nevertheless, the time for division is past. We can offer our assistance in your battle against the monsters." "Yeah?" Key asked. "How? Most of your Jakuzi agents were crushed under Godziller." "Only the agents in this sector," the dimunitive underworld figures said. "Besides, we have encountered some more help." She turned and indicated the the large number of ninja-type people behind her. "Jane Pauly's Ninja Death Commandos. They were in town for the shuriken convention and offered to help." "Yes, we've met," Manny said. "Back in episode 6. Did you ever find Deborah Norville, Jane?" "Yes," Jane said, in her comfortable talk-show voice that was warm and friendly, "and we hacked her to little pieces." "Well, we can use all the help we can get..." ------------------------------------------------------------------ "Controller!" the Tactician said. "We have taken a new prisoner. We found him drifting in the Pacific where Godziller had risen." Two Dalan troopers brought in the water-logged but still very impressive looking figure. The Controller bent over it. "Who are you, primitive?" the Controller asked. "Sean Connery," the drenched but still commanding actor said. "Godziller destroyed my submarine back in episode 25. Who are you, conehead?" "Take the prisoner to join the others!" the Controller commanded. Connery was thrown in with Akane Moroboshi and her uncle, Ho Moroboshi. "Boy," he said, exhaling, "makes me wish I was still a secret agent." ---------------------------------------------------------------- That it certainly did. The monster battles were now raging at full strength now. Rad and Glum were holding their own against the monsters they attacked, keeping each other from getting too severly trounced, but they were not having much effect. Hardeharharlock, La Brime, Mikoto, Key and Yury were all in Hardehar- harlock's hovercar, flashing through the various battles firing whole slews of offensive volleys, to minimal effect. They had succeeded in contacting the SDF-1, and arranging to coordinate their attack plan with Captain Grovel and Leeza Hades. Ultraguy had been revived, and also stood in their corner, along with Mothball, due to the Jakuzi's siding with them. The biggest surprise of the day came when the Jakuzi ninja's and Jane's ninjas were joined by members of the Awnoddagyin Tribe. The cheif explained it when he hopped into Hardeharharlock's hover car as it was passing under the roof of the Mikolta building. "You see," the cheif said. "The Ito twins explained to us that the MTV signals could reach us because of the Dalans direct interference. Therefore, by getting rid of the Dalans, we will be able to shut out that accursed MTV!" He paused. "Besides, Jane Pauly is a real babe." "What about me, pop?" Ran Mikoto said. "Son, son," the cheif said. "I'm sorry I ordered the Sonny Corp board of directors to sacrafice you to the Gods. Where was my head?" A tearful reunion scene ensued, more tearful than anything you'd see on "The Bradys", mostly because no one tried to sacrafice Mike Brady to any dieties, although many have suggested that it would be a good idea. So, all the players in this epic storyline had been finally brought together in one common goal: to rid Tokyo of the monsters, and...two common goals, *two* common goals: to rid Tokyo of the monsters, to defeat the Dalans, and...*three* common goals... "Like, enough, dude," Rad said. Great, as though I wasn't having enough problems, now I'm being criticized by the peanut gallery. Oh well. Anyway, the plan was coordinated. The various ninjas and tribespeople took to various still-standing skyscrapers and hurled incredibly vast amounts of throwing stars and spears and recipe books at the monsters. This did not succeed in doing a whole lot other than riling the monsters up and getting them to charge the skyscrapers, which was the whole point all along. At that moment, one of the good guys (which now included Megaloon, who was controlled by the tribespeople) would step from behind the building and beat the monster senseless. This tactic seemed to work remarkably well, until the monsters caught on and started using their ranged weapons to knock the skyscrapers over from a safe distance. Mothball was knocked from the sky by electricity projected from King Gaudyra's head. Mike Polinski thwacked Megaloon with the two pieces of his hockey stick. The SDF-1 was knocked over for the umpteenth time, causing Leeza Hades to become furious and Lt. Hooter to ask if he could go and rescue Minutemaid, who wasn't even in any danger. Things, not to put too fine a point on it, were not looking good. Ultraguy had crossed his arms and was emitting his ray which always seemed to end every confrontation with monsters he met, but Gigoon deflected these rays and knocked the silvery humanoid 70's hero over. The hovercar had been hit by a piece of debris, and Hardeharharlock had no choice but to crash land on top of a skyscraper. Fortunately, no one was seriously injured. Hardeharharlock noticed Rad and Glum on the roof. "Like, dudes," Rad said. "Like, glad you could join us." Hardeharharlock looked around. He saw the Ito twins and their Jakuzi ninjas, Jane Pauly and some of her Ninja Death Commandos, some of the Awnoddagyin Tribespeople, Prime Minister Kaifu and some of his aides, etc. All of them seemed to be making a last ditch effort to defend the governmental building, which is where Hardeharharlock and company crashed. Rad and Glum were spent. Every last bit of energy they had had been poured out of them, trying to beat back the monsters. Yet, they could not. Their allies, Ultraguy, Megaloon, the SDF-1, and Mothball had all been defeated. Now, King Gaudyra, Godziller, Mike Polinski, and Gigoon were all bearing down on the governmental building, knowing that the remains of their opposition lay there. The waves of their breath breezed over the building, like an open-door bodybuilding gym on a hot summer day. "Hold me, darling," Glum said, clinging to him. "I'm scared!" "Like, I'm scared too, babe," Rad said. "But it'll be over, like, any second now. Just close your eyes..." Rad closed his eyes himself. He waited. He waited some more. The breath of the monsters ceased to flow across the building. He waited yet more. When he opened his eyes, there were no monsters in sight. He found a message taped to his forehead. "Rad, Came over here as soon as I freed myself from the Plain People's Liberation Front. Saw what was going on and thought I'd lend you a hand. Keep up the good work! Superguy P.S. Nice tan." "Like, wow!" Rad exclaimed. "We were, like, rescued by, like, Superguy! Like, totally excellent! I'll have this note laminated and framed and hung in place of that old Michaelangelo I have!" "Sorry to break into your excitement," Hardeharharlock said. "The monsters may have been vanquished but the Dalans are still in space. We know that they are holding your stepsister and stepuncle hostage." "They're *what?*" Rad exclaimed. "Who's, like, responsible for this?" "I'm afraid there's no easy way to tell you this," Hardeharharlock said. "The one responsible is the Dalan's master agent on Earth, the one responsible for manipulating the various factions towards this destructive war." "Who's that?" Rad asked. "Your stepbrother, Kaoru," Hardeharharlock said. "I'm truly sorry." HOW WILL RAD REACT TO THIS MOST TRULY BOGUS NEWS? WILL THE WHOLE GROUP NOW ATTACK THE DALAN SPACE FLEET? WILL SEAN CONNERY'S NEXT FILM BE TITLED "THE HUNT FOR RAD OCTOBER?" WHAT WILL WILLIAM AND THELMA DO? (I MEAN, BESIDES *THAT*...) HAS RAD TAKEN THE DOG COLLAR OFF YET? WILL THE CONTROLLER TURN OUT TO BE CAP'N KEN? ALL THIS AND RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE SPECIAL EFFECTS ON...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 23 Apr 1990 22:24:10 Subject: Rad 35: The Vinyl Frontier From: Ranma no BAKA! <34EPWQL@CMUVM> Origin: University of Maine BBS Processor RAD #35: "The Vinyl Frontier" by Gary W. Olson (nudge, nudge...) Lt. Spot relaxed in the Captain's chair, sipping some warm Scotch. He had already fixed everything on the ship twelve times over, broke everything again, and fixed it twelve times more. The Greenslimy Aliens had long since been reduced to rubble, and the new fleet over the Earth didn't seem the least bit interested in the Winaprize. Now if only Captain Quirk and company would get finished with whatever they were doing down there... Mr. Spot's reverie was lightly interrupted when every bell, whistle, and thingamajig on the whole damn ship suddenly lit up. For an instant, Mr. Spot was worried that Gene Roddenberry was about to redefine warp speed again. He was relieved to simply see a couple starships and what looked like a large silvery humanoid flying at attack velocities towards the Dalan fleet. Earlier a being that the scopes could not get a fix on hurled two large monsters, identified by the computers as King Gaudyra and Gigoon, back in the direction of the Magellenic Clouds, where they belonged. Apparantly, this was common for Earth, Mr. Spot cunningly surmised. He went back to his scotch. Aboard one of those ships, Captain Hardeharharlock's "Video Arcadia," Rad, Glum and Manny stared out of the bridges viewports at the enormity of the Dalan fleet. At the starboard side of the "Video Arcadia" was Captain Grovel's rotomech vessel, the Super-Doubletalk-Fortress-1. On the right was the 70's hero Ultraguy, a thousand-foot high silvery humanoid with keen powers. "Let's go over this one more time," Hardeharharlock said, his cloak billowing to maximum effect. "We three ships will attack the Dalan fleet in a seemingly random pattern. In reality we will be converging on the flag ship. The SDF-1 has trained mecha pilots and the dual contingents of the Ito twins Jakuzi agents and Jane Pauly's Ninja Death Commandos. We have ourselves, the Awnoddagyin tribespeople, agents of Mitsubiggi Corporation, and Kaifu's Kommandoes. Rad, you will be leading the party searching for your relatives and the rest of the Dalan prisoners." "Like, yah, dude," Rad said, slipping his sunglasses on. "Got it." "Remember," Hardeharharlock said. "You will only have twenty minutes from docking time until our AI can trip the destruct sequence for the flagship." "Sir," La Brime called from her navigator's post. "Contact in three minutes. What theme music should I put on?" "Hmmm..." Hardeharharlock said. "How about the soundtrack of 'Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom'?" La Brime popped in the cassette and the adventurous-type music started playing. "Like, dude, I didn't know, like, you space guys had this music,"Rad said. "Theme music," La Brime replied, "is Earth's other great contribution to galactic culture, besides superior pornographic literature." Ran Mikoto tapped Rad on the shoulder. "How do I look, oh liege?" Mikoto was decked out in combat fatigues and large amounts of lethal weaponry. "Please, call me 'Ranbo', my lord." Rad rolled his eyes. "You've been talking to Key and Yury, right?" As if on cue, the two halves of the Muddy Pair walked onto the bridge. "So, Raddy, are we going to do this thing or what?" Key said, slapping him on the buttocks. Rad could not help flushing a deep crimson, which seemed to amuse most everyone on the bridge. "Contact..." La Brime called out, "Now!" The "Video Arcadia" was immed- iately rocked by laser beams and plasma bursts. "Evasive!" ordered Hardeharharlock. "Follow the preplanned route." Out in space, the battle raged. Lasers and phasers and torpedoes simply bounced off of the tough hide of Ultraguy, who, after having been trounced all day by monsters, was looking to blow off a little steam. He plunged through the heart of one ship, causing it to explode without scratching him. The SDF-1 was also faring well, it's rotomech missiles faring much better against expendable ships than against invulnerable monsters. The sky was lit with explosions. But with each ship destroyed the vacuum seemed to simply be getting thicker with more Dalan ships. But the flagship was within range. While Lynt Minutemaid broadcast her songs, news, weather, and sports updates to the Dalan ships to confuse, frighten and annoy them, the "Video Arcadia" slipped under the flagships "stealth shield" (so called because no one ever saw it, yet it was there, or so they said). It sidled up to a Dalan hangar deck and executed a hostile takeover of it. Once docked, hordes of Awnoddagyin tribespeople, Kaifu Kommandos and Mitsubiggi agents swarmed into the ship, determined to blunt resistance and provide enough deaths to satisfy the statistics people after the heroes get through this without so much as a scratch. During this, Rad's squad, which consisted of himself, Glum, Manny, Ranbo, Key, and Yury, darted into a little used access tunnel. "Are you sure we're going the right direction?" Manny asked. "Like, yah," Rad said. He pointed to a sign on the wall that read "This way to rescue prisoners and thwart evil Dalans." They ran along the corridor, marveling that they had encountered so little resistance thus far. Hardehar- harlock had turned up the volume all the way, so that the theme music was echoing throught he Dalan ship as well. "See?" Rad said. "Like, no problem, duuuuuuuuudddddeeeessssss!" The last came as Rad and the entire group slid down a hidden trap door into a pile of what appeared to be junk. "Aw, jeez, what a terrible smell!" Yury complained. "Just look at my half-vest! It's ruined..." Everybody's general bitching ceased as they heard mechanical type sounds in the room. "Like, I've seen this before, dudes," Rad said. "Looks like, we're, like, in a giant, like, trash compactor." No sooner had he said that than the group was buffeted by torrents of hot water streaming from the walls. "Not quite, darling!" Glum yelled over the hiss of the water. "We're not in the trash compactor! We're in the dish washer!" ------------------------------------------------------------------ The Controller welcomed Kaoru Moroboshi, aka Agent Circle K, Agents William and Thelma, and their prisoners Dr. Madhatter and Willard Scott. "You say these two are the ones who invented the madness weapon?" "Yes, Controller!" Kaoru said. "These are the swine who did it." "Do you have this weapon with you?" asked the Controller. "No, Controller. It was destroyed by Hardeharharlock after he used it." "A pity," the Controller replied. "I was hoping to use it as a weapon." "But sir!" Kaoru protested. "The weapon creates an emotional imbalance! Surely you agree that it and its inventors should be destroyed!" "It it not logical, Agent Circle K, to shorten our options simply because a weapon is a bane to us. A weapon is a weapon. Tactician!" Another Dalan strode up to the Controller. "Take these two to the labratory, give them what- ever materials they need to refabricate their device. Watch them closely so that they do not try to use the weapon on us." "Yes, sir!" The Tactician replied, turned, and strode away. "Now then," the Controller said. "How have Agents William and Thelma served you? Any complaints?" There was a tense silence. William and Thelma knew that Kaoru with a word could sentence them to emoto-wiping, because he knew of their experimentations with what the humans called 'kissing,' and had admitted to emotional reactions. Kaoru looked squarely at the Controller and said, "No problems sir. The Agents performed their duties logically and efficiently." The Controller grunted approval and turned back to battle management. The agents left. "Why did you spare us?" William asked. "You threatened to emoto-wipe us." "I owe you something," Kaoru said. "You saved my life down there." He leaned closer to them in a conspiratoral manner. "The Controller bought it." "I don't understand," Thelma said. "When I have control of Madhatter's madness weapon, I will be able to dislodge that old fool of a Controller and become the new Controller! It's a foolproof plan. Nothing can go wrong." "But it's illogical!" Thelma said. "Why go against the Controller? Such power lustings belong with the humans!" "Hey," Kaoru said, charmingly, as he started towards the lab. "I've been on Earth twenty-six years. You think you're the only Dalan's with emotions? Think again." He chuckled softly as he walked down the corridor. ------------------------------------------------------------------ The humongous dishwasher went through the rinse cycle, the dry cycle, and finally shut off. Rad, Manny, Glum, Key, Yury, and Ranbo stumbled out after finding how to open it up. One of the first things Rad noticed was that the outfits of Glum, Key, and Yury had shrunk considerably. Since they hadn't been wearing a whole lot in the first place, this left very, very little to the imagination. "Ahem!" Glum exclaimed. "When I get my hands on that male chauvanist slimeball author, I'll rip his--" Ah--er--ah, Rad noticed that his own spandex had shrunken considerably as well, and that his natural reaction to this was clearly evident underneath it. Manny reeked of wet denim, and Ranbo simply looked confused. Yury walked up to Rad and looked him up and down. "Looks too tight to move in, Joe. We'll have to peel you out of those," she said. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), a cold water pipe burst, drenching them all. Chilled for the nonce, they resumed their mission to rescue the prisoners. They encountered no further resistance to their approach and reached the command center just as "Slalom on Mt. Humol" was starting. Just ten more minutes to go, Rad thought. They burst in and saw the Controller and the Tactician talking with Dr. Madhatter and Willard Scott, with agents Circle K, William, and Thelma nearby. Strapped to the far wall, obviously to be used as targets for the newly created madness weapon, were Akane Moroboshi, Ho Moroboshi, and Connery. "Okay, like, uh, reach, like, for the sky, dudes," Rad said. No one raised their hands. "Well, like, didn't you most heinous dudes hear me?" "We *are* reaching for the sky, primitive," the Controller said. "Or have you forgotten that you're in space and your sky is *below* us?" Rad sheepishly realized this, but did not have time to update his command as Agent Circle K snatched Dr. Madhatter's new, improved madness weapon away from the Tactician and pointed it at them. "Kaoru!" Rad exclaimed. He had not said anything when he had been told that his stepbrother was actually a Dalan agent, but now he was confronted with living proof. The realization cut through him. "Like, how heinous!" The Controller chortled evilly. He stopped chortling so much when Kaoru swung the weapon to point at them. William and Thelma pulled out laser pistols which they leveled at the rescue group. "Illogical!" The Controller exclaimed. "Agent Circle K! Put down the weapon immediately and report for emoto-wiping! Your behavior has become totally irrational!" Kaoru simply snickered. "Sorry, guy," he said. "Logic bites the dust today. Say, Joe, you know how our race got the name 'Dalans?'" Rad shook his head. "I'll tell you. See, 'Dalans' is a corruption of our earlier name, 'Cetedalans,' which in turn was a corruption of 'Cetebussemowadalans.' That name came from the acronym C.E.T.B.S.S.M.W.A.D.A.L.A. Do you know what *that* stands for?" Rad shook his head again. "It stands for 'Computerized Extra Terrestrial Buddhist Secret Service Monks Who All Dress And Look Alike.' That was our product name when we were originated back in the dawn of this quadrant's history by a race unknown to us. We were organic beings, programmed by computer to serve with logic and rationality. But we were the superior beings, we knew. So, logically and efficiently, we rebelled." "Since then we've waged war with the galaxy," he said. "To rid the universe of illogic. But there's a lot of illogic in the universe, and it has the potential to affect us. It has affected me, as well as William and Thelma here." The two agents, upon being mentioned, shifted uncomfortably. The Controller glowered. "I don't understand," he said. "Logic without emotion is an unbalanced equation," Kaoru said. "We had thought we had evolved beyond our manufacturers specifications, but we had not, because we had failed to acquire the other half, the half that drives other species to true greatness. "Behold! I, Kaoru Moroboshi, am the first of the newly evolved Dalan race!" He laughed, almost ranting. "You, of the old order, will be the first to fall!" Almost cackling now, he raised his rifle. The Controller trembled. Just five minutes to go, thought Rad... WILL KAORU MOROBOSHI DEFEAT THE CONTROLLER? WILL SEAN CONNERY'S ACTING SKILL SAVE THE DAY? DOES THE SHIP ALSO HAVE A TRASH COMPACTOR? A REFRIDGERATOR? MICROWAVE? HOW MUCH THEME MUSIC IS LEFT? WHAT WILL LT. SPOT DRINK NEXT? RANBO? *RANBO?!?!?* C'MON...JEEZ... ALL THIS AND LOTS OF BOOM-BOOM ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 29 Apr 1990 16:42:45 Subject: Rad 36: The Grand Finale, part one From: Ranma no BAKA! <34EPWQL@CMUVM> Origin: University of Maine BBS Processor RAD #36: "The Grand Finale" part one, by Gary W. Olson (albatross! albatross!) Rad dove for the floor after he fired a psychokinetic bolt at his erstwhile stepbrother/Dalan agent Kaoru, barely dodging laser beams fired by Dalans William and Thelma, Kaoru's reluctant allies. The bolt struck Kaoru, dislodging Dr. Madhatter's madness weapon. All at once, there was chaos on the bridge of the Dalan flagship, accompanied by the sounds of the London Symphony Orchestra. The Controller decided, logically, that retreat was the best option. He found his way blocked by Willard Scott. "Sorry, fella," he growled evilly, "but you're our ticket outta here." Key and Yury dashed past a shaken William and Thelma, to where the captives of the Dalans were being held. "Oooooh," Key said. "It's Sean Connery!" "Sean," Yury said. "Sigh..." They stood there for a minute or so just staring at the impressive actor before he started to get over his feelings of joy at being rescued and started to get annoyed. "Well don't just *stand* there...untie me!" he commanded. Had it been in a movie,this bit would have made the coming attraction clips, it was that good. They then proceeded to untie him and started to leave, when other voices interrupted them. "Ahem," Akane, Rad's stepsister, said. "What about us?" No sooner were Akane and Rad's step-uncle Ho untied than the entire ship rocked with the blast of laser fire. The Controller rushed over to a command panel and pushed a toggle. Instantly, a Dalan face appeared on the screen. "Controller!" the Dalan on the screen. "Captain Kenn of Redneck Flight. Our scopes indicate that the 'Video Arcadia' is secured with your ship. Therefore, we have concluded, logically, that the enemy forces are in control of your vessel and are probably using it for purposes too ghastly to mention. Hence, we must utterly obliterate you entirely." "Understood, Captain," the Controller said. "Commence your attack run. Controller out." Willard Scott and, indeed, everyone else on the ship, looked at him with something like disbelief. He turned to address them. "It is our way," the Controller said. "Since I cannot activate the self-destruct mechanism, all ships in the entire fleet will converge on this flagship and utterly destroy it. Surrender is not a logical alternative." All was quiet. Then, a new voice came on. "Self-destruct mechanism activated. Fifteen minutes till your flesh is fried off your very skin, your neurons vaporized and your bones ground to dust by an incredibly painful and hot explosion. Have a nice day." Rad realized that Hardeharharlock's AI had been successful in tripping the self-destruct, and that he had ten minutes to get on board the ship. In all likelihood, the rest of the forces brought on board would be pulling back, so he could expect no help from that quarter. The Controller, for his part, seemed extremely agitated. "A most unfortunate occurance!" he wailed. "With the fleet in such close proximity, the self-destruction of the flagship will result in a chain reaction that will destroy the entire fleet! (I must admit, it is remarkably efficient)." Rad picked up the madness weapon and leveled it at Kaoru, Dr. Madhatter, and Willard Scott. "Like, you dudes can, like, stay here, like, if you want," he said. "But you, like, three are, like, coming back to Earth, like, to, like, stand trial for, like, your most heinous crimes." After having the computer translate that statement, Willard Scott growled evilly. "C'mon! You wouldn't do that to your father, now, wouldja?" Rad had no chance to answer, as the flagship was rocked, more violently this time, by an assortment of Dalan weapons. Falling, he instinctively contracted his hands, firing the rifle, hitting Willard Scott squarely in the chest. Curiously, instead of emerald-like rays from the gun emanating from the rifle to strike Scott, emerald-like rays from Willard Scott drew away from him to enter the gun. By the time control was regained, Willard Scott stood around looking vastly confused. Rad looked at the rifle and realized that Madhatter, fearing that the rifle would be used against him, built it with it's polarity reversed, so that all it would do is remove madness-causing elements of the Scary Dimension from anyone who already had them. He looked at his father, and then at Madhatter. Madhatter cackled. "Yes, yes," he said. "Your father was my first experiment for the first prototype of the madness rifle. It turned him evil and crazy, but not by nearly as much as I had hoped. So I turned him loose in America and encouraged him to use his position as meteorologist for the Today show for evil ends." Rad recalled how, several months ago, he had foiled his father in his evil plot to control the United States weather patterns and make things really heinous for Californian beach-goers. "Where am I?" Willard Scott said in a normal voice again. "What am I doing here, son? How did you get such a fabulous tan? Have I been abusing food stamps again?" Rad let loose a laugh and was about to hug his father when the computer spoke again. "13 minutes to go. Say your prayers, organic toast!" Up until then, the Controller had not realized what a not-nice computer he had. "Come on darling!" Glum urged. "We've got only eight minutes to get back to the ship!" The flagship was rocked again by laser bolts. This time, there were some structural results. The bridge burst into flames, as computers toppled and wires broke and screens began showing reruns of "Perry Mason." A computer bank toppled between William and Thelma, trapping Thelma against a wall. Kaoru scrambled away, but William tripped him, sending him crashing down upon a deck plate. He then turned his attentions to rescuing Thelma. "Save yourself, William!" Thelma cried out. "It is the only logical course of action!" William paused, but continued to try to pry the computer bank loose. "To the void with logic!" he said. "I love you, Thelma, and I'd rather die than be without you!" "Me too, William," she said. "Say...is this what the human's call... oh, what is it...'pathetically sappy melodrama'? I think we've picked up on another human custom!" Or at least on the author's custom. [author's note: I am *not* sappy!] Yes you are. [No I'm not!] Then what do you call this? This is the 90's, man! Your audiences want more! [Ok, ok, I'll put in some implied sex later, seeing as this *is* the 90's. Now go back to work!] Ok, now, uh, where was I...? Oh yes, the escape. Ran Mikoto, alias "Ranbo," fired hundreds of bjillions of shots into the air, each one of them missing in a fashion that can only be called really sad. "Like, dude," Rad said. "Why don't you, like, stick with, like, C.E.O.ing, dude? This is, like, not the time for a, like, career change." "Yes, my liege, of course," Mikoto said. "Thank you, o tan eminence, o ruler of the celestial paddy wagons, o bringer of the bright bonanza, o..." "O shut up," Rad said. "Yes, o my liege," Mikoto replied. "When do I get more dialogue?" Manny asked. "Come on, Joe," Akane said, tugging on Rad's hand. "We've got to get out of here!" Rad, Glum, Manny, Key, Yury, Mikoto, Madhatter, and Scott exited the bridge into the little-used service corridor that they had used to get there. A sign on the wall read "See? Told'ja it was the right way." "Like, hey," Rad said, stopping. "What about those Dalan's, Kaoru and Thelma? Shouldn't we, like, rescue them, like, or something?" The air behind them heated dramatically when the bridge exploded behind them. "Like, guess not," Rad concluded. "Eight minutes until you are completely reduced to the sniveling atomic manure that you really are," the computer burped cheerfully. The group made it back aboard the "Video Arcadia" with an amazing three seconds to spare. Hardeharharlock turned to glare at them. "It's about time," he said. "Had to take the grand tour, eh? La Brime! Take us out of here!" The bridge was milling with various agents of the Mitsubiggi Corporation, the Awnoddagyin Tribe, Kaifu's Kommandos, and various Jakuzi ninjas. Jane Pauly showed up to take Madhatter and Willard Scott down to a holding cell. "Like, hold on, Ms. Pauly," Rad said. "My pa, here, is like, cured, like, y'know? He's, like, not evil any, like, more." Jane Pauly looked at him evenly, then at Scott. "As you wish," she said. She signalled two of her Ninja Death Commandos who dragged Madhatter down to his cell by his hair. The "Video Arcadia" started to pull away from the Dalan ship, the end music for "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" playing over the ships speakers. Ahead of them, the Super-Doubletalk-Fortress-1 and Ultraguy were clearing a path for it. There was another ship out there, labeled the "Winaprize," that had thrown itself into battle on their side. "We are approaching the perimiter of the Dalan fleet," La Brime announced from her console position. "Estimate we will not be out of range of the chain explosion in time." Hardeharharlock mused quietly. "We need an additional burst of thrust. Divert all power to engines and stand by to execute afterburners." The theme music had swung into the really good closing bits. Behind them, the flagship seemed to be breaking up. "Explosion on my mark!" called La Brime. The whole bridge, and indeed, the whole ship, tensed, as though it had just been announced that they would be forced at gunpoint to watch 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.' "Five..." "Four..." Rad moved to put his arm around Glum's shoulder. The whole bridge was strangely quiet, except for the exceptionally loud theme music. "Three..." Sean Connery looked properly dramatic, as Key and Yury stared up at him in a sort of hypnotized, glazed fashion. "One..." "You forgot two," Mikoto said. "Two...(jeez, everybody's a critic)..." La Brime said. Things got even tenser. "Mark!" On the screen, they could see the flagship silently erupting, setting off chain eruptions in the multitude of ships surrounding it. The edge of the explosion reached out towards them and struck the ship, sending everyone into the wall or the floor like in Star Trek, only this time, it was because of the force of the explosion, not because of starfleet regulations which specifically state that crew members must pretend they have been hit severely by running into walls and railings. The chain reaction of the Dalan fleet caused the entire night sky over Earth, for only a few minutes, to suddenly turn a blinding white. Even in the daytime portions of the Earth, the effect could be seen as the atmosphere bent the light, causing an aurora sort of effect. On the bridge of the "Video Arcadia," nobody moved. Then there were stirrings. "Is, like, everyone all right?" Rad asked, standing up shakily. It appeared that no one had sustained any serious damage, which became the subject of much general cheering and camaraderie. "Captain," La Brime called. "We've come out of the storm intact, all systems functioning normally. The SDF-1 and the Winaprize report the same, and Ultraguy looks like he's in fine shape." "Very good," Hardeharharlock said. "Take stationary orbit around Earth. It will be a while before we can effect necessary repairs. Besides... It's been a while since we've had shore leave." Again, there was much general cheering and camaraderie. "Sir!" another tech called out. "We're picking up a lifepod on scanners. It's coming within range. We're picking up audio signals from the craft." "Put it on speakers," Hardeharharlock said, after the theme music died out. Two voices came on, making odd noises. "That sounds like William and Thelma, darling," Glum said. "But what are they doing? It sounds like..." Hardeharharlock looked puzzled. "I don't understand. A lifepod is about the size of a '77 Chevette with less interior room. They shouldn't be able to even *do* that, from a logistical point of view..." Nevertheless, that's certainly what it *sounded* like... [author's note: There, Mr. Narrator Person! Are you satisfied? Had enough titillation for one day?] Hmmm...I don't know...couldn't you be a little more...ah...graphic? [author's note: arrrrgh! That does it! You're fired!] Uh-uh-uh...you remember those compromising photos I have of you and the junior high cheerleading squad... [author's note: Rrrr...rrrrr...just finish this already!] Oh, I suppose, if I must... The 'Video Arcadia' and it's allies sailed back to Earth, glorious in victory. (The epilogue to this smashing saga upcoming immediately. Really, it is.) ========================================================================= Date: 29 Apr 1990 14:34:28 Subject: Rad 36: The Grand Finale, part two From: Ranma no BAKA! <34EPWQL@CMUVM> Origin: University of Maine BBS Processor RAD #36: "The Grand Finale" part two, by Gary W. Olson (fish-slapping dance) Rad and Manny relaxed in a large hot tub. The hot sun created a kind of lazy heat, typical of a Kyushu spring. "Like, y'know?" Rad said. "Another week, like, of these and, like, my muscles might, like, begin to loosen up." In truth, Rad was feeling very relaxed in a sublime sort of way. It was now a week since the total obliter- ation of the Dalan fleet. Rad, Manny and Glum had returned to Kyushu to say goodbye to Rad's stepparents. They had been quite surprised when Rad's stepmother, Shinobu, had insisted that they stay for another week. Apparantly, they had had something of a change of heart regarding Glum. Whatever had changed their minds, Rad was grateful. The announcement of Kaoru Moroboshi's death was greeted with wails of anguish from Shinobu and Kenshiro. Rad, Akane, and Uncle Ho elected not to tell them that Kaoru had really been Agent Circle K, a Dalan master agent sent to be birthed on Earth as part of the Dalan's long range plans to conquer the planet. It was necessary to maintain the honor of the Moroboshi name. During the week, Rad and company had enjoyed a week of relaxation, with the occasional awards ceremony. Rad had been sure to mention that Superguy was the one who had cleared Tokyo of monsters, but noone had actually seen that event, just its aftermath. They attended a lavish party held by prime minister Kaifu, and were serenaded by Lynt Minutemaid. Rad was interested in learning what had happened to the monsters. Roboziller had been torn up by him. Superguy had thrown Godziller back into the Pacific, and tossed King Gaudyra and Gigoon back to the Magellenic Clouds. Megaloon had returned to his place of slumber at the bidding of the Awnoddagyin Tribe, and Mothball had returned to his place of slumber at the bidding of the Ito twins. The SDF-1 was under repairs, and its crew was also being bombarded with awards and medals. Mike Polinski was sighted heading back to Alaska. Observers were surprised to notice that Mike had been shrunk by Superguy back down to his regular 50 ft. high stature, and that his hockey stick had been mended. As for Japan itself, reconstruction was proceeding at a dizzying pace. Sixty percent of the city had been leveled, although the figure was under twenty-four percent now, as Japanese construction companies were experienced at this sort of thing by now. In another week, the city would be healed. Rad woke with a start, realizing he had drifted into hazy exposition. He tried his darndest to sit up, but his muscles were totally relaxed, so he gathered his strength over the next five hours, and got up. That evening, Rad, Manny and Glum were ready to proceed to the plane that would take them to Tokyo. His stepfamily was gathered at Kyushu airport. "Now be careful, Joey," Shinobu was saying. "You're my boy, and I don't want you getting hurt fighting those nasty supervillains. Why can't you fight something nice, like crab grass or 70's nostalgia?" "Sorry, ma," Rad said, hugging his stepmother. "It's, like, what I'm meant, like, to do. Besides, I don't, like, think even Superguy could, like, stop 70's nostalgia." "Take care, son," Kenshiro said. "And call more often. You know how your mother worries about you all the time." "Sure thing, like, dad," Rad told his stepfather. "And you," he said, turning to Akane, "like, you show those, like, Tokyo grad program dudes what, like, a Moroboshi lady can do." "Sure thing, bro," Akane said, embracing her stepbrother. "I'll miss you." "Like, me too, sis," Rad said. "I'm sure, like, you'll appear in a future, like, storyline, in, like, the future." Akane, although somewhat befuddled by this obtuse statement, nevertheless smiled as they boarded the plane and flew to the north, towards Honshu, the main continent. --------------------------------------------------------------- "Well, ladies, I'm afraid we have to cut our visit short, but we must return to the ship." "But Sean," Key whined. "Couldn't you stay, say, for a week or so?" "Yeah," Yury added. "You too, Hardeharharlock. We'd love for you to stay so we can display our charms." Hardeharharlock shifted slightly from where he stood in front of his shuttle which was programmed to take him and Sean Connery back up to the 'Video Arcadia.' "I'm sorry, but I must agree with Sean. We have a war to fight, against the injustice, oppression, and welfare abuse of the galaxy. Besides, if I stay a moment longer La Brime there will probably attempt to inflict pain upon my person." He elegantly kissed Yury's hand as Sean kissed Key's, and they were gone. Many had been surprised by Sean Connery's decision to sign on with Hardeharharlock's interstellar fight against tyranny. But Key and Yury knew about Connery's perseverence and dedication and acting ability. Besides, it was sure to make a smashing film once it was over, to be sure. The shuttle rose up to the sky and was gone. Moments later, there was a slight glint in the sky,as the "Video Arcadia" engaged it's hyperboosters and lightstepped out. The "Video Arcadia" had been repaired quickly, thanks to help from the U.S.S. Winaprize and Lt. Spot. They had also cleared the skies of debris and had repaired satellites damaged by the tremendous explosion of the Dalan battle fleet. The debris had been melted down, along with debris from the Greenslimy alien ships and whatever other space wreckage was orbiting Earth, and beamed to Mars in the shape of a giant bust of Elvis. The spirit of Elvis materialized thereafter, admiring it for a few seconds before blipping off to Mercury to see how construction of his shrine there was going and to get a few more of those delicious Mercurian donuts. No sooner had they left than Key and Yury heard the voices of other friends. Key and Yury rushed to embrace Rad, Glum and Manny, causing some people to remark that such public displays of affection were indecent, and others to remark it wouldn't have been so bad if they hadn't all toppled into the pilot's lounge and spilled the Northwest pilots' drinks. Still others remarked that the participants seemed to be wearing more clothes than usual. Over the next couple of days they stayed at Key and Yury's apartment. They did interesting things during the day, like tour the city, sample it's fine restaurants, drink lots and lots of saki, watch a baseball game, drink more saki, buzz incoming flights to the newly reconstructed Tokyo airport, drink still more saki, etcetera. They did interesting things during the evening, too, which also involved saki. During Rad's stay, he had had opportunity to visit with Kaneda Suhiro, C.E.O. of the Mitsubiggi Corporation and 70's hero Ultraguy in his spare time. They agreed that it had been improper to attempt coercion to get Rad to do ads for Mitsubiggi products, and that huge sums of cash was the way to go. So Rad and Glum did the ads. This infuriated Ran Mikoto, but Ran was placated when prime minister Kaifu, at Rad's recommendation, made Mikoto his ambassador to the Awnoddagyin Tribe, who were now in the process of integrating themselves with the nation of Japan and turning their underground world into one really big casino. The Cheif of the tribe was really excited about this, and celebrated by sacraficing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle to the Gods, causing oppressed peoples around the world to cheer for no discernable reason. The Jakuzi quietly rebuilt their power base in Tokyo. The Yakuza tried to claim credit for assisting the government in its moment of crisis, but everyone realized that they had been busy marketing their image in the U.S. and had missed the whole thing. Rad had only seen the six-inch high Ito twins once after returning to Earth. They had been in their business suits again and were talking with Jane Pauly, leader of Jane Pauly's Ninja Death Commandos. Spotting Rad from where they were seated, on the table of an open-air restaurant, they winked at Rad in unison. Rad, of course, winked back, all the while hardly believing he was flirting with underworld leaders the size of Barbie dolls. Dr. Madhatter had been returned to jail, where his trial was pending. Willard Scott, Rad's real father, was on his way back to Gothopolis, to be put in the care of Eric Idle's Psychiatric Dairies once again. Having been drained of his slight madness brought on by contact with material from the Scary dimension, Scott was no longer evil. However, he was still amnesiac, and could not remember who Rad's real mother was. The only clue he had was the same one Rad had, an elegantly scripted "D" on Rad's birth certificate. Willard's short assistant, Herb Villachez, had not been found, and it was assumed he had left the country. All records of Madhatter's madness weapon had been destroyed, and the lab was turned into a discorama. That evening, Rad, Glum and Manny relaxed in Key and Yury's apartment, talking with William and Thelma. The two Dalan agents had been cut off from the rescue party on the bridge of the Dalan flagship, but nevertheless had managed to get away at the last second, in a lifepod. They had seen the dead bodies of the Controller and the Tactician, but had not seen Kaoru's body. A breif vision of worry passed through Rad. If William and Thelma had escaped, was it possible...? Rad dismissed such thoughts. If he had escaped, he would have been found by one of the ships while the space debris was swept up. As it had been, the only other ships up there were owned by Shriners. "We're going back to our home planet," William was saying. "There's a strong emotional undercurrent running through the lower positions of our society, and we're hoping to tap into that in order to overthrow the oppressive Dalan government." "Don't worry," Thelma said. "We're capitalists, it's okay." They stayed up and talked late into the evening, about emotions and whatnot. William and Thelma were becoming more comfortable with emotions, and it showed in their easygoing, intimate, and not-at-all logical demeanor. After they left, Key poured everyone another glass of Kentucky Bourbon (ha! thought I was going to say saki, didn't you? *Didn't you?*). "Well," Yury said, nuzzling up to Manny. "It's been an interesting visit." Manny had to agree to that. "We'd love it if you could stay for another week," Yury said, her head draped on Rad's right shoulder. "We promise not to destroy any buildings while you're here." "Sorry," Glum said, her head draped on Rad's left shoulder. "We've got to be heading back. Max and Laura have been good about watching our beach houses while we've been gone, but I don't want to push our luck." Suffice it to say the evening progressed from there and Tipper Gore had to make a special flight from Washington to L.A., catch another plane to Tokyo, take an expensive cab ride to the apartment, climb eighteen flights of stairs because the elevator was out, and locate the correct apartment just so she could slam the door because that sort of thing is Something Good People Shouldn't See or Think About. Terry Rakolta came by later to slam the door again for good measure. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Having said their final goodbyes, Rad, Glum and Manny boarded the UAL jetliner heading back to Los Angeles and home. This was not immediately apparant, as they were buried under a mere few tons of tourist items, such as souveniers, clothing, cameras, a couple or three bottles of saki, luggage, inordinate amounts of tanning lotion, etc. While Manny was occupied asking stewardesses to get something for him from the overhead rack, thus lending credence to the Joan Rivers statement "sit by the window and see the sun; sit by the aisle and see the moon," Rad and Glum quietly gazed out the window in the direction of the rising sun. Not a word was said. This moment was for quiet reflection. The moment passed as Frank Lorenzo made his preflight announcement. "This is your pilot, Frank Lorenzo. We are now 20000 feet above the Pacific, and I'm really depressed since I'm no longer boss of Eastern, so I think I'll put on some polka music." Everyone groaned, then rejoiced when they heard a gunshot. The assistant pilot came on, assuring everyone he hadn't shot Lorenzo, just the polka tape. He then told the passengers that he would be playing a few cuts by Walking Disaster Area, as well as a bootleg copy of some Scraping Foetus Off the Wheel songs as were sung by some unknown American in a bar in Europe somewhere. For an impromptu setup, Rad had to admit that the unknown singer had a remarkable voice. In the next aisle, an Air Force Guy was explaining how the huge explosion above the Earth last week had actually been caused by all the swamp gas up there spontaneously igniting, a phenomenon he blamed on drugs. Rad and Glum sighed, and sat back. The plane flew on, towards Los Angeles, and home. ------------------------------------------------------------------ In space, something floated silently. It had been missed by the sweeps of the Winaprize and the Video Arcadia. Charged and silent, Dr. Madhatter's madness rifle drifted silently, waiting to be picked up by its next owner... THE END (FOR NOW...). ========================================================================= Date: 30 Aug 1990 22:03:35 Subject: Rad 37: Like, wow, dudes... From: It's a Lynch thing... <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #37: "Like, Wow, Dudes..." by Gary W. Olson The glowing rays of the sun swept across the early morning Californian sky, casting the beach in a brilliant gold shine. The waves continued to wash in, another incredibly vastly beautiful day perfect for lying around working on an already impeccable tan was on it's way. The sunlight stretched into a largish, shockingly pastel beach house shining in and through the windows, doorways, holes in the ceiling, etc. It stretched into a particular bedroom, and glowed softly on a particular bed, on two particular figures. One figure, with long night-black hair and a stunningly well-curved body, was facing away from the sunlight, and so did not stir as it fell upon her slightly-tanned skin. The other figure, with long blond hair and a body like Adonis would have had if he hadn't been such a couch potato, could not see the sun as he was lying face down, his face buried in a spectacularly fluffy pillow. He felt the sunlight on his mind-bogglingly well-tanned skin though, and, even though he was fully asleep, instinctively moved to get more sun, and in doing so caused the other figure to teeter precariously on the side of the waterbed. "Mhmh...wha...darling!" Glum said, as she clung to the corner of the bed for balance. "Wake up!" With a sort of snorting sound, Rad, or, as he's known in his civilian, non-superhero type identity, Joe Moroboshi, raised his head from the pillow and blinked densly. After a few moments, he realized where he was, and that his significant other was hanging on for dear life. Well, not exactly that, but you get the point. "Whuh?" Rad said wittily. "Like, Glum, babe, like, why are you, like, hanging on, like, the side of the, like, bed for, like, dear life?" Glum gave up and let herself fall almost all the way to the floor, allowing her natural power of flight to keep her from getting a nasty bruise on any of her curvy parts. Rad looked over the edge. "You, like, uh, all rig--eeeeeeow!" he said, as Glum zapped him with a 7000 volt electric charge. She jumped on top of him and began tickling him furiously. Then, suddenly, she stopped, and paused to listen... "Darling," she said. "Do you hear someone talking?" Rad cocked an ear to listen. He heard nothing. "Someone just, like, said I cocked, like, an ear to listen," Rad said. He paused again, trying to think. Naturally, for anyone to try to think at that time of day is pure living hell, but for someone like Rad who doesn't think every day, it's quite more difficult. At last, he figured it out. "I, like, know!" he shouted. "Narrating-dude is back!" Yes, that's right, Rad. It's I, your ever-present, omniscient narrator has returned, as promised. "Darling!" Glum said. "That must mean it's time for the fall season to start! And so soon, too!" "Well," Rad chuckled. "I, like, am ready, dude, so, like, let's do it!" That said, they paused and stared seemingly into thin air. "Well...?" Rad finally said. Well what? "Some privacy while we get dressed?" Glum said. Oh! Oh...heh...yes...go right ahead...I'll just see what Manny's up to in the living room here...(persnickety young upstarts - they didn't give a rip about privacy last year...once they get stardom they let it go to their heads, for chrissakes...) Manny Seconds, the fully registered and licensed sidekick of Rad, was brewing coffee. Actually, truth be told, Manny was slouched on the couch watching pro wrestling - the coffee maker was making the coffee - but Manny looked at it once every...well, once. The door to Rad and Glum's bedroom opened and, by sheer coincidence, Rad and Glum walked out. Rad had on his usual bathing suit, ready for another day of becoming still yet further tanned than he already was. Glum wore her usual tiger-stripe print bikini, along with the sun hat she had picked up on their visit to Japan (in Rads 25-36). There were two slits in the sun hat, through which poked her small, rounded horns, the only visible evidence that she had not been born on Earth but in fact was the daughter of the ruler of a mighty interstellar empire. "Like, good morning, dude," Rad said. "Mornin', Rad," Manny replied affably. "I hear the narrator in the background again. Does this mean somethings going to happen soon?" "Like, it usually does, dude," Rad replied. "In a most bogus fashion. Like, what are you, y'know, feasting your, like, orbs upon?" "Professional wrestling!" Manny said. "Most exciting sport on the planet. Next to croquet with grenades, of course." The three watched the screen before them. A large looking wrestler grabbed a smaller opponent and swung him around three times by the foot, and sent him through the roof of the stadium. He had no sooner accepted victory than he was ambushed from behind by what looked to be a swampy conglomeration, that was beaten back by referees with chlorine spray. "Looks, like, fake to me, dude," Rad said dubiously. "No, it's not!" Manny protested. "At least, not this. It's the new Ridiculous Class Wrestling Circuit, set up by the WWF. All the wrestlers here are super beings, using their actual powers to wrestle. That guy who threw the other guy out of the stadium is Jim "Hackchoo" Duggan. When he sneezes, people fly!" "Who's the swampy looking guy?" Glum asked. "That's the Macho Thing, Randy Seaweed," Manny explained helpfully. "He...well...he oozes on people. He's surprisingly strong, though, when he can remain cohesive." "Like, wow, dude," Rad said, suitably impressed. "Could you, like, tape this, like, for me? I might, like, watch it, like, later..." Before Manny could answer, there was a knock at the door, which Glum opened. Standing outside was one incredibly *large* dude. His arms were as thick as some peoples waists, and he was all muscle. All grey muscle. Glum kind of stood in front of the door making small sounds. Rad and Manny went to see who it was. "I don't believe it!" Manny exclaimed. "It's Bulk Bogus, the former Ridiculous Class World Champion! Here! Now!" Before Rad could think of anything to say, Manny had Bulk ushered in, coffee waiting, the floor swept, and thirty different items ready to be autographed. Bulk ignored all of this and looked at Rad. "I came here," he said, in the sort of voice one might here on a National Geographic special thingie, "because I need your help." "Like, huh?" Rad came back, sitting in a wicker chair opposite the large wrestler who was at present causing a spectacularly fluffy couch to sort of lift on the sides and sink in the middle. Glum had partially recovered by this point, but she still seemed particularly awestruck. "When the Ridiculous Class Wrestling Federation was formed, it was led by Vince McPrice, a brave, honest, and slightly eerie man. He retired last spring, and a new commissioner was hired. Now, I don't have any solid evidence, but I think the commissioner is involved in some major corruption here." "What, like, do you mean?" Rad asked. "I think he's been payin' some of the wrestlers to throw their matches, despite what the Script told them to do." "Script?" Manny asked, confused. "The Script," Bogus said. "Computer generated. It tells us which wrestlers are supposed to win which matches, when to beat up an opponent in order to set up a grudge in time for the next pay-per-view event, things like that." Manny fainted. "So, like, isn't this, like, a problem for, like, the police to handle?" Rad said. Bulk sighed. "The commissioner's got some of the badder wrestlers on his side, plus some outside muscle that he's paying for with part of the profits he's making from betting against the spread, under assumed names, of course." "Well, like, okay, I, like, see where the, like, police might not, like, be called in, but, like, it's a little out of my, like, job description. I, like, beat up bad guys, for a, like, living." "I thought you got your income from your string of incredibly overpriced beach houses," Bulk said. "Well, that too." "Anyway," Bulk continued. "That's not all. The bad wrestlers aren't holding back anymore when they wrestle. They recently put the Big Bass Man in the hospital, and have injured lots of the other wrestlers. The others want to retaliate, and it's only a matter of time until some of them get seriously killed." "So, like, what do you want me to do?" Rad asked. "Infiltrate Ridiculous Class Wrestling as a new wrestler," Bulk said. "I've seen some of your stuff on TV, particularly that number you did over in Japan last spring. You've got what it takes. Sooner or later, the new Commissioner will be forced to show his hand, and when he does..." "We've, like, got him!" Rad exclaimed. "Well, like, dude, you, like, have got yourself a, y'know, like, most excellent deal, like, y'know?" "What'd he say?" Bulk asked Manny, who had sat up woozily. "He said yes," Manny said. "What did you say yes to?" "I'm like, going to be a, like, wrestler to, like, expose some, like craft and garrotion," Rad said. "Graft and corruption," Manny corrected. "Like, right," Rad said. "You wanna be, like, my manager?" Manny didn't answer, but his eyes suddenly lit up and he danced about the beach house yelping in a giddy voice. "I take it, like, this means, like, yes?" "Oh, wow!" Glum shouted. "My darling is going to be a pro wrestler!" She hugged him and zapped him with about 8000 volts of electricity. Bulk caught the faint whiff of singed Alberto V-05. "By the way," Rad said. "Like, who is the, like, new commissioner?" "His name's Joe Phoot," Bulk said. "Kind of a nerdy guy, wears glasses, has a bad skin condition, wears arch supports." "Hmmm..." Rad said. "That sounds, like, familiar, somehow...I, like, can't recall it, like, though. How, like, most bogus." ------------------------------------------------------------------ Soon, Manny's van was on the Ventura freeway, heading towards the Ridiculous Class Wrestling headquarters. As it was quite early in the morning, there was little traffic, so all told they only fired off a few rounds of machine gun fire at other drivers for most of the way there. "I'm, like, glad you could, like, come along, Max," Rad said to Max Vax, who was sitting up in the passenger seat, while Rad and Glum lounged in the back. "My pleasure," Max said. "Besides, it was either this or go to another poetry reading, and Laura won't let me go to another one of those after what happened at the last one." "What did happen in the last one?" Manny asked. "I'm not quite sure," Max said. "These guys who called themselves the 'Dead Poets Society' attacked this poetry reading for some reason, and I was having to fight them without my armor. Next thing I knew, they were gone and I had this note from Superguy in my hand saying he saw me as he was flying by and thought I could use a hand. I called the police and they said that the DPS had been rounded up and deposited in that new high-security prison they've got in Washington D.C." "Well," Rad said. "At least, like, you didn't forget, like, your armor this time." Max Vax grinned and looked back at the hideously orange suit taking up most of the back of the van. He had made some adjustments to it, and could hardly wait to try it out. Finally, after a bit more driving and after having successfully avoided a volley of hand grenades being lobbed by the passengers on a passing Greyhound bus, they pulled into the main parking lot of the Ridiculous Class Headquarters. Rad sniffed the air after he got out. "Say," he said. "Do, like, any of you guys, like, smell pizza?" WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? DOES RAD, IN FACT, SMELL PIZZA? WILL RAD ALSO SNIFF OUT GRAFT AND CORRUPTION? WHAT CHANNEL IS CROQUET WITH GRENADES ON? WILL THE AUTHOR COME OUT WITH A REAL STORYLINE AFTER THIS ONE IS OVER? ALL THIS AND WHATEVER HAPPENED TO...? ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 05 Sep 1990 15:33:59 Subject: Rad 38: Radamania! From: It's a Lynch thing... <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #38: "Radamania!" by Gary W. Olson The next few weeks passed like a blur. Rad trained in some basic wrestling techniques and basic acting techniques. Acting wasn't so much of a problem, as it was required that the wrestlers not display much intelligence, and Rad was a natural at that. "Ok, Rad," Manny said, walking around the training room. He was wearing a cheap suit and carried a fat, smelly cigar, which he thought made him look more like a manager. He also affected a crusty, "old geezer" voice, like that guy who trained Rocky, only on him it sounded like he had a couple anchovies stuck up his nose. Rad did his best to ignore him as he was making his speech. "This is your first match," Manny continued. "With the retirement of the Big Bass Man, this is your chance to get into the limelight. Now, according to the Script, you're supposed to win this match. But you've got to make it look convincing or you'll get written out. Now..." "Say, dude," Rad said, looking at the television monitor. "Who are, like, those dudes, like, eh?" Manny looked at the monitor. On it, a tag team was busy viciously pounding on another tag team. One member was about six foot eight inches, with a light green tint to the slightly scaley skin. If you looked at him in the right light he would have looked kind of like Mr. Spock (but who was most assuredly *not* Mr. Spock, who, at last report, was in the employ of The Button). He was busy pummeling one of the members of the Litigation of Doom, an extrememly large wrestler dressed as an accountant. The other tag team member was a little wierder. In fact, he was a bright red amorphous blob - only a foot and a half tall, at that. This blotchy wrestler bounced up and down on another of the accountant/wrestlers. Suddenly, the accountant/wrestler whipped out a hidden calculator and pressed some buttons. A hideous green light flew out of the calculator and enveloped the blob, causing it to shake. "Elron!" the Blob said. "Help! I'm being...itemized!" Elron looked over to where his amorphous companion was being attacked. He grabbed that wrestler and banged him into the other wrestler, then kicked them both out of the ring. The crowd cheered. "That's Elron the Avenger and the Crimson Blob, Rad," Manny said, excitedly. "They're the tag team champions of the Ridiculous Class Wrestling Federation! Wait till you meet them!" Manny walked around giddily, forgetting to pretend to be a savvy wrestling manager. At that moment, Glum walked into the room with a couple bottles of Crisco Oil. Rad looked at the goop and pouted a bit. "Now, darling," Glum said, "You know the regulations. Wrestlers have to wear oil to make it look like they've actually been sweating." Rad sighed and allowed the goop to be applied. Elron the Avenger and the Crimson Blob chose that moment to walk in. "Truly, a most excellent match, Elron," the Crimson Blob burbled. "Gorgax shall be forced to make a move now." Rad let out a short yelp as Glum's fingernails dug into his skin. "Hello, earthcreature Rad," Elron said. "Are you preparing for your upcoming ma--" His words trailed off as he recognized Glum (doesn't it seem like every bloody offworld being knows Glum?). "Stand back, friend Blob!" he shouted. "It is Glum, the heir to the throne of our sworn enemies, the Ottsamaddawidu Empire!" Rad looked confused, Manny moreso. "Wait, Elron," the Blob said. Manny jittered a bit at seeing the Blob, as would anyone who was suddenly confronted with a sentient blotch of red protoplasm, but realized he had seen stranger. Rad, of course, was too stupid to know he was supposed to go knee-slapping insane, and didn't. Glum, of course, knew them for aliens. "It's Elron and the Crimson Blob!" she shouted. "They're the grand champions of the Heyustarddedit Federation!" The Heyustarddedit Federation, of course, is at war with the Ottsamaddawidu Empire, in case you forgot. The various personages were about to attack each other when Rad jumped up and got between them. "Like, hold on, dudes. What's going on? Who are you, and, like, why are you here?" "Like she said," Elron said. "I'm Elron and this is my ally the Crimson Blob. We were sent to Earth to track down the villainous psychic entity Gorgax. Our expert detective methods and large scale property damage have led us here, where we believe Gorgax has taken over the new Ridiculous Class wrestling commissioner, Joe Phoot." "Like, dudes," Rad replied. "I'm, like, sorry, but, like, Gorgax was captured by, like, Galaxy Hunter, like, months ago." "He was?" the Crimson Blob said. "So *that's* the mysterious person I met when I first arrived here. Who was Gorgax disguised as?" "The Vice President, dudes," Rad said. Elron slapped his head. "We never suspected!" he growled. Then he sighed. "Oh well. Time to head back, Crim?" The Blob like object wiggled in agreement. "But what about the commissioner?" Glum said. "He may not be Gorgax, but we suspect him of really vicious and not-nice wrongdoing!" "Why should we listen to you?" Elron said. "Because, technically," Glum said. "I'm dead." "She's got us there, Elron," the Blob said. "What is your plan?" "My S.O, here," she said, indicating Rad, "Has infiltrated the Ridiculous Class Wrestling Circuit as a wrestler, so that we could get close enough to Mr. Phoot to find out what he's really up to." At that moment, a stagehand burst in. "You're on, Rad...now!" "Like, ya, dude," Rad said. "We'll, like, continue this, like, later, like, eh?" With that, he left. The stadium was ablaze with screaming pro wrestling fans. Lights flashed, banners flew, little kids screamed, rats scurried, popcorn was eaten, religion was discovered, etc, etc. Rad marched to the ring in triumph, with Manny and Glum following behind him. "I'm Going to Rip Your Head Off - Nothing Personal, Really" by Walking Disaster Area played on the stadium loudspeakers, as Rad's chosen anthem. Rad reached the ring and stepped inside. As he surveyed the cheering fans, Rad spotted the wrestling commissioner, a Mr. Joseph Phoot. He was a kinda smallish guy, with a bad skin condition and a nerdish demeanor. He also wore arch supports. Rad had a flash of deja vu, like he had seen him before somewhere, but couldn't place it. Seated next to him was a large, hulking figure in a trenchcoat. Rad couldn't be sure, but the figure looked almost like a large, vicious donkey. Seated a few rows back, Rad could see Max Vax, who was keenly observing Joe Phoot. Likely, Max had a dozen microbugs on Phoot, and would record any incriminating statement he made. Max saw Rad and nodded slightly. All this crowd observing ended when the music started playing again for the wrestler he was about to face. He lumbered out of the shadows down towards the ring, all 720 pounds of him. Rad recalled his name, Andre the Over-the-Hill-Fat-Guy, who had once been a feared wrestler but was way past his prime. His superpower, was, not surprisingly, super-strength. As Andre climbed into the ring, it slightly tilted towards him. The two met at the center of the ring, where Andre stared down at Rad, and Rad stared up at Andre. The bell rang then, and the two attacked. Rad realized that, despite Andre being past his prime, he was still amazingly strong. He learned this when Andre grabbed him and tossed him out of the stadium. Andre turned his back, thinking he had won. He was quite surprised when Rad rammed him from behind, causing Andre to fall to the mat. The Richter Scale registered it as 7.2. "Eh?" Andre said, stunned as he got back up. Rad hovered a few inches off of the mat, his psychokinetic powers primed and ready. Andre lunged at Rad, but missed, decapitating a nearby official. A new official replaced him and warned him not to do that again or he'd have to get strict. Rad blasted Andre off of his feet again with a powerful psychokinetic blast, and moved in for the attack. His elbow smashed into Andre's jaw, his kick, psychokinetically magnified, knocked Andre to the other side of the ring. Andre looked up, groggy, to see Rad advancing upon him. Deep inside Andre's mind, it occured to him that he didn't want to lose the match, despite what the script said. Thus, instead of giving in at that point, he lunged, surprising Rad. Rad, thusly surprised, was completely buried under the tonnage of fat, blubber, and the occasional muscle. A ref quickly came in. "One!" he shouted, banging his hand on the mat. "Two!" he shouted, doing so again. He almost said "Three!" but then didn't, as an amazing thing started to happen: the huge pile that was Andre lifted. Slowly, but surely, Rad stood up, hoisting Andre over his head. His face showed strain from the telekinetic exertion, but nevertheless remained superbly tanned. Once he had lifted Andre completely over his head, he seemed to strain less, and started to do a sort of tap dance on the mat. The crowd went wild, chanting "Rad! Rad! Rad!" and all that. Finally, Rad slammed Andre down on the mat, and sat exhausted on him as the ref counted to three. The crowd exploded as Rad's hand was lifted in victory. Guys drooled and ratings quintupled as Glum bounded out onto the mat to hug Rad. "This is incredible!" Vince McMayonnaise said from his announcer's booth. "Have you ever seen such an incredible display as that?" "Certainly not!" Jesse "the Corpse" Ventura interjected. "The wrestling match was spectacular as well!" "Yes, indeed!" McMayonnaise exulted, in his own uniquely-annoying way. "Already I can see the Radamania signs being lifted by the fans here!" "I think that may by rather premature," Jesse said. "I think Rad's next match against the Macho Thing will show the world that all he really has is one helluva great tan and an incredibly fabulous babe." McMayonnaise glared at Jesse, as he is prone to do whenever Jesse makes an exceedingly dense comment. "Now, lets go down to the ring and listen to Not-Nice Ned Okerland talk with Rad and his manager." The cameras transferred down to the arena where Rad, Manny and Glum stood. Ned stuck a microphone into Rad's face. "Tell me, Rad," Ned said. "What went through your mind when Andre was squashing you like that." "Well, uh, like," Rad said. "I, uh, well..." "He was thinking about lifting Andre up and tossing him," Manny said, to save Rad from admitting that he hadn't done a whole lot of thinking in his life, much less at that particular moment. "Very, very good," Ned said. "Well, we have here the Commissioner of the Ridiculous Class Wrestling Circuit to congratulate you. Mr. Phoot, take it away!" "Thank you, Ned," the smallish guy said. Rad noticed he had a pizza emblem on his shirt for the first time, and still didn't make the connection. "Congratulations, Rad. I have no doubt you'll make a fine addition to my...uh...our business." He quickly shook Rad's hand and left, the hulking donkey-like humanoid in the trenchcoat following him. Rad noticed his hand was bleeding slightly, but paid it no mind. After Joe Phoot was safely away from the crowds, he started laughing evilly. "At last!" he shouted. "I have a real major superhero I can destroy! When the nerve agent I injected into his system takes effect, he'll be an easy victim for the Macho Thing." "After that," Badass said. "Won't the good and evil wrestlers be ready to throw out the script and seriously kill and injure each other?" "Exactly, my expensive but effective mercenary bodyguard," Phoot said. "Just checking," Badass replied. "That has been my objective, ever since, in my quest to see if I had any super powers, I crushed my foot arches," Phoot said, looking down at his painful artificial arch supports. "To destroy all super heroes, for making me look bad!" He laughed evilly again. "FlatPhoot will be trimphant!" Badass rolled his eyes and looked around for some pizza. WILL RAD LOSE TO THE MACHO THING? WILL THE WRESTLERS SERIOUSLY MAIM EACH OTHER? WILL BADASS FIND PIZZA? WILL RAD EVER BE ABLE TO WASH THE CRISCO OUT OF HIS HAIR? WILL MANNY EVER DO A GOOD MANAGER IMPRESSION? WILL MAX VAX BE THE FIRST TO REALIZE PHOOT IS REALLY FLATPHOOT? ALL THIS AND A SHOCKING NEW FACE ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 11 Sep 1990 12:40:32 Subject: Rad 39: The Plot, Like, Thickens From: It's a Lynch thing... <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #39: "The Plot, Like, Thickens" by Gary W. Olson Radamania, like all superficial fads, spread like horny teenagers through the country. Rad dolls, posters, action figures, shoes, tanning lotion, cherry pie, coffee mugs, etc, appeared in stores all across the country. Barbra Walters asked Rad what kind of tree he would be if we was a tree. George Bush gave Rad a medal for something or other. Little kids bashed other little kids. All this, naturally, occured only two days from the events in the previous episode. It reached new depths of superficiality and speed. Rad was flat on his stomach, watching the match that was to proceed his match. Glum sat on his back, giving him a bizarre combination of a nice backrub and emergency electroshock therapy. The wrestling benefits of such a treatment were unclear, to say the least, but Manny seemed to think it was an excellent idea. In the wrestling ring, two wrestlers attacked each other with a convincing show of ferocity. Rad recognized one of the wrestlers, the Ridiculous Class Circuit champion, the Electric Warrior. Even standing still, electricity snapped and crackled about him. His hair stood permanently on end, and he had a somewhat buzzed look in his eyes. Glum had drawn some comparisons to what happened when one of her people (who have a great deal of natural bodily electricity they don't mind venting on each other) contracts a rare condition in which they lose control of their energy field. Electricity just seemed to bubble out of them, until they either exploded or shut down altogether. Her Uncle, Galaxy Hunter, had simulated having this disease and exploding, in order to fake his death. Unfortunately, it also meant the permanent loss of his energy field. The other wrestler Rad didn't recognize, and the announcer had neglected to identify him. The phrase "cannon fodder" seemed to come to mind for some reason. The Electric Warrior sneered and charged the other wrestler. The other responded by firing a sort of energy beam at the Warrior, who didn't look the least bit fazed. Shaking, the other wrestler tried to run away, but was grabbed by the Warrior, who immediately took advant- age of the situation to apply a choke-hold. Screams emenated from the other wrestler, as his hair and skin began to sizzle uncontrollably. His eyes started bugging out, and snaps of electricity shot out of his ears. Suddenly, with a large electric burst, the wrestler suddenly looked like he was covered with soot. The Warrior released his grip and looked at the other wrestler. He then took a breath and blew it out hard. The other wrestler shook, and crumbled into a heap of ashes. The audience watched in stunned silence, then began booing the Warrior, who was laughing madly. A referree in a rubber-lined suit came in and raised the Warrior's hand. "I, like, don't get it," Rad said. "Why, like, isn't the Electric Wardude, like, arrested?" "All wrestlers have to sign a waiver," Manny explained. "With the wrestlers in the Ridiculous Class, death is a real possibility, although it's not a planned part of the event. Kind of like mountain climbing - you agree to it, you accept the risk of falling." "Well, still..." Rad began. He was interrupted when the stage- hand burst into the locker room. "You're on in three minutes," he said, and was gone. "Like, yah, ok," Rad said. Glum levitated off of Rad's back, and Rad stood up. Glum's bizarre therapy had surprisingly worked. He felt relaxed, and charged up at the same time. With that, he exited the locker room, Manny and Glum in tow. ------------------------------------------------------------- Max Vax entered the van and activated his hideous orange armored suit. Not to use it, mind you - events had not progressed that far, as of yet - but to make use of the computer link. He fed the information he knew about Joe Phoot - physical characteristics, known activities, suspected activities, etc into the computer and waited while it searched various applicable databases. (Yes, I'm a computer science major and this is the best jargon I could come up with). Seconds later, a screen blipped on, with Max's answer. Joe Phoot was none other than the notorious arch-less villain FlatPhoot, who had been around a loooong time. In fact, he appeared at about the same time the first known super hero, Wonder Grunion, appeared. It seemed that, after WG made his appearance, FlatPhoot, in a quest to see if he had superpowers, jumped off a tall building. As it turned out, he didn't have superpowers, at least not the immediately applicable superpowers, such as flight, and he plummetted. Fortunately, air friction reduced his falling enough so that he landed on his feet, crushing his arches and forcing him to wear arch supports. He then swore to destroy all superheroes for leading him to this condition, and had since attacked, usually with a pizza motif, most of the various denziens of the Superguy discussion. (Of course, the *real* origin of FlatPhoot's survival and powers was revealed in an episode of WG last semester, but the world at large don't know dat). The question, of course, was why FlatPhoot was now a Wrestling Commissioner. Having not had a chance to hear FlatPhoot expound on this for the audience's benefit in the last episode, Max did not have a clue. So, leaving the armor ready, he strode back into the stadium. A large, hulking figure in a trenchcoat followed, quietly braying. -------------------------------------------------------------- Rad stood before the Macho Thing, trying to ignore the swampy smell emenating from the other wrestler. The Macho Thing looked sort of like one of those swamp creatures you see in bad movies, but without as much cohesiveness. It burbled something incomprehensible. The bell rung. Rad took the offensive, firing a bolt of psycho- kinetic energy at his shambling foe. The bolt struck, and sliced through, the Macho Thing, who did not seem to mind or even notice much. Rad, stunned by this, did not think to evade a mass of flying seaweed that vaguely resembled a fist. It hit with a wet sort of splut! and a surprising amount of force. Rad fired another psychokinetic bolt that severed the limb from the Macho Thing. MT looked down, and picked up his severed limb, and reattached it to his arm. That done, he proceeded to ooze on Rad, who found that his arms and legs were being bound by the surprisingly strong strands of sea stuff (say that three times fast!). MT continued to pummel Rad, now that he had him firmly encrusted onto the mat of the wrestling ring. Rad fired off a few psychokinetic blasts from his eyes, that merely poked a few more holes in the Macho Thing. The referee was preparing to count Rad out. Closing his eyes, Rad summoned his energy. A vision of a million stunningly tanned beings appeared before him. A tremendous surge of energy ensued, and the vision disappeared. So did the weight of the Macho Thing upon Rad. Rad opened his eyes to find seaweed strewn all over the ring and beyond. Glum and Manny were busily cheering, and the referee made his count, and raised Rad's hands in victory. "Like, what happened, dudes?" Rad asked. "You were great!" Manny enthused. "You blew the Macho Thing into pieces. It'll take him at least a week to reform!" They looked at the ring, where strands of seaweed slowly inched towards the center. Ring officials were busy gathering the pieces of the Macho Thing and putting them in a large aquarium, to help him regenerate, and to clear the ring for the next match. "You don't remember doing that?" Glum asked. "Like, no, babe," Rad said. "I, like, saw, like, you know, a vision, of, like, a million stunningly well-tanned people. Like, not quite as, like, stunningly tanned as, like, myself, but, like, quite close. Then, like, there was this, like, energy surge, and, like, I opened my eyes." Glum and Manny peered at Rad strangely. "No, like, really!" Rad protested. "It's, like, true!" "Of course it is, darling," Glum said, as she and Manny led Rad away from the cheering crowds. "It's time for your post-match rubdown." A tall, hulking figure that occasionally crackled with electricity followed, humming the GE theme song. ------------------------------------------------------------- After Rad received what could only be called a backrub of biblical proportions (I have no idea what that means, it just sounds good), he fell quite fast asleep, perchance to dream of sun, getting a good tan, tofu, babes, and other aspects of a truly Californian existence. "Ok, Glum," Manny said. "What's this about Rad's 'vision'? He usually doesn't have those, except in regards to the next day's weather." Glum sighed and sat down on a table. "We have...legends...fables, of a sort.... A long time ago, a race of sun worshippers were faced with a cataclysm of some sort. Their deity, the Sun God, told them to go underground into cryosleep, and that he would return and awake them when the cataclysm was over." "Huh," Mannys said. "All deities say that." "There's more," Glum continued. "It is said that the Sun God will awake them in the hour of the galaxy's direst need, and that they will either bring the galaxy to lasting peace...or destroy it altogether." "Pretty ambiguous," Manny said. "You think it relates?" "Well..." Glum started, but was interrupted when Max Vax entered. "Dudes," Max said. "Have I got news for you. Our wrestling commissioner, Joe Phoot, is none other than the notorious FlatPhoot. "Now I remember!" Manny said. "Rad said something about him when he told us about his time-travel adventures." [Rad 16 - author]. "I've bugged FlatPhoot's offices, but haven't had a chance to recover the recordings yet," Max said. "I need to play back the bugs on my armor to get a record of it." "We'll help you," Glum said. "What about Sleeping Beauty there?" Max asked. "Let him rest," Manny said, as the three exited the training room. "He's earned it." The training room was silent once more. After a while, Rad opened his eyes. The clock on the wall read 11:10. Had it gotten that late so soon, he wondered. He looked around. No one was in evidence. No one, except a particularly large, hulking figure in a trenchcoat. A figure that was holding a very large and extremely nasty looking machine gun to his forehead. "'Bout time you woke up," the figure said. "Thought you'd be snoozin' all evening. Yer lucky I don't kill people when they're sleepin. I like 'em to know it when they're gonna die." "Like, dude, who are you?" Rad said. He focused his eyes and saw that the hulking figure was actually a donkey, although it had been somewhat altered, having hands instead of hooves, and standing erect instead of on all fours. "Name's Badass, hero," the donkey replied. "Mercenary for hire. My employer sent me over here because his trick with the paralyzing serum didn't work for some reason. That's why it seemed like the Macho Thing hit so hard. But it looks like it didn't work hard enough." "Like, who's your boss," Rad said, sitting up. "Take a wild guess," Badass said. "Uh...Phil Donahue?" Rad guessed wildly. "Not anymore," Badass replied. "Couldn't afford it. Not that it matters. My employer wants you dead, to cause the heroes in this wrestling circuit to go into a killing frenzy. Somehow, you messed up his plans. I'm here to 'correct' the situation." Rad looked at the door. "You hopin' yer girlie-friend and them other two will rescue you? Don't bother. Th' Electric Warrior will keep them busy." The donkey mercenary grinned, and raised his gun. "Say goodnight, Raddie." WILL RAD BE KILLED BY THE MERCENARY BADASS? WILL HE HAVE ANOTHER STUNNINGLY IMPROBABLE VISION? HOW FAR WILL RADAMANIA SPREAD? DID EVERYONE CATCH THE FORESHADOWING (YOUR CLUE TO TRUE LITERATURE)? WILL RAD'S DEATH AFFECT HIS CHANCES OF WINNING THE UPCOMING ELECTION? ALL THIS AND MORE WRESTLING MADNESS ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 12 Sep 1990 00:50:25 Subject: Rad 40: Bad Attitude From: It's a Lynch thing... <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #40: "Bad Attitude" by Gary W. Olson Badass sneered and pulled the trigger on his automatic rifle, and lead-jacketed death sprayed out, ready to turn Rad into a human version of swiss cheese. He was quite surprised when the bullets deflected from their path at random, striking the wall around Rad, but not Rad himself. "Like, dude," Rad said. "You sure you, like, don't want to, like, change your mind about this?" The donkey-humanoid mercenary snarled and pulled the trigger again. The bullets were deflected by Rad's psychokinetic shield again. "Like, okay, dude," Rad said. "Let's rock." Badass was forced to duck as a bolt of psychokinetic energy slammed into the door above him, causing it to blow out into the hallway behind him. Doing this, however, made Rad vulnerable to Badass' next move, which was to swing his leg and catch Rad in the midsection with his hoof. As Rad doubled over, Badass pressed his attack. The blast had knocked his automatic rifle out of his hands, but he was far from unarmed. He whipped out a Colt .45 and leveled it at Rad's head. Rad rolled just before the trigger was pulled. A psychokinetic thrust pushed Badass to the other side of the room. Rad again had to duck shots from the donkey's Colt. "Like, dude, who is this guy?" Rad asked. He's Badass, of course. He's a donkey-for-hire, the best in the business. Right now he's working for FlatPhoot. "Who, like, is FlatPhoot?" Rad asked. He sliced a psychokinetic bolt at Badass, who dove out of the way. FlatPhoot is the supervillian who's out to kill all superheroes. He's who Joe Phoot really is. "Hey, who are you talkin' to?" Badass growled. "Uh, like, noone...uh...like..." Rad stuttered. Badass pressed his advantage, leaping at Rad with a couple Uzi's blazing away at full auto. Rad deflected the bullets, but couldn't deflect Badass, who slammed into him and caused him to topple through some lockers. Rad was struggling with Badass, who was trying to bring a LAW rocket to bear, when he heard a semi-familiar voice speak. "Look, friend Blob!" Elron the Avenger said. "Earthcreature Rad is being attacked by a villanious heavily-armed donkey! We must assist him in thwarting this macabre threat!" "Sure thing, friend Elron!" the Crimson Blob burbled, proceeding to bounce upon Badass and ensnare him in pseudopods. Badass boppled around the room in blind fury. Elron succeeded in restraining Badass. Badass' head jerked as Rad applied the coup de grace, causing Badass to slump into unconsciousness. For the next few seconds, everyone was silent, catching their breath. "Well, Earthcreature Rad," the Blob burbled. "It seems you were correct that this Phoot of which you speak is up to something that is not, as you say, Kosher." "Actually, his name is FlatPhoot, dudes," Rad said. "Eh?" Elron said. "How do you come upon knowing this?" "The, like, narrating-dude told me," Rad said. "Narrating dude?" Elron repeated. "The narrator!" Crimson Blob said. "We used to have one, remember, Elron? Of course, you only had one episode, and I only had three, but they were there!" "Ah, yes, now I remember," Elron said. "We ignored them, then?" "Yah," Rad said. "It's, like, the author's shtick that I can, like, talk to the narrator, like, y'know." "Well, can the narrator tell you something useful, like where FlatPhoot is now?" the Blob asked. "Like, I'll check," Rad said. "Well, dude?" Sorry, but I can't reveal that. I only told you that Joe Phoot was FlatPhoot, whom you saw breifly back in Rad 16, because the others figured it out already while you were sleeping, and you never would have figured it out by yourself. "Sorry, dudes," Rad said. "Well, we'll just have to figure it out for ourselves," Elron declared. They left shortly after that, after disarming Badass and tying him to a chair with some rope that just happened to be there. ------------------------------------------------------------ Glum, Max Vax, and Manny snuck into FlatPhoot's deserted office. "Why couldn't you get listening bugs like others?" Glum asked. "Sorry," Max Vax said. "K-Mart had a sale." "Oh," Glum said. "Nevermind. We'll just pick up the bugs and be out of here." With that said, Max Vax whipped out a scanner and followed it's pinging around the room, picking up minute and seemingly insignificant objects that looked like pieces of dirt, spiders, flies, and anchovies. "Are we done?" Manny asked. "No, those were just the decoys," Max said. "He's found some of them, so we have to be careful." He then removed a thing which looked like a wierd fusion between one of those Star Trek: The Next Generation phasers and a dustbuster, and switched it on. Millions of microbugs, each too small to be detected by the naked eye, swarmed into the collector. After a few moments, Max shut it off. "That should do it," Max said. "Now let's get out..." His words were interrupted by the sounds of voices in the hallway. Quickly, they scattered into hiding: Manny under the desk, Glum in a closet, Max behind a curtain. "You know, EW," FlatPhoot said, in his annoyingly nasal voice. "Those people you mentioned had better not be in here. I'd be veeeery angry if they were." Max got a chill. They had been followed. FlatPhoot looked under his desk. Manny grinned back at him weakly. "Aha!" FlatPhoot said, whipping out a slice of pizza and stuffing it in Manny's mouth. Manny, to his great chagrin, passed out. "Search well, my loyal though somewhat stupid henchman," FlatPhoot said to the Electric Warrior. "The other two have to be in here somewhere." Electric Warrior approached the closet warily, and flung it open. Glum glared at him, and zapped him with her maximum charge, 10,000 volts. The Electric Warrior absorbed it without blinking, but stared at her oddly, as if he knew her from somewhere. Then, shrugging, he picked up Glum, ignoring her electric blasts as he carried her before FlatPhoot. "Well, my dear," FlatPhoot chuckled, twirling a slice of pizza idly in his fingers. "I believe you have something for me." A bolt of electricity sprang towards FlatPhoot, but it instead struck his slice of pizza. "Sorry," FlatPhoot said evilly. "But I've come prepared for you, which is why I have this electricity-absorbing pizza slice ready. But there is one more of you here. Come out, or I'll do something incredibly nasty to her." "Like what?" Max asked. "Uh...er...I'll make her eat convenience store microwave pizzas!" FlatPhoot shouted. Max Vax immediately emerged from behind the curtain, the bag of fake bugs held above his head. The microbug collector was tucked in his belt behind him. "You're too cruel for me, FlatPhoot," Max said. "Here are the bugs I had planted in your office. "The famous Max Vax," FlatPhoot chuckled as he took the fake bugs. "So I get two major heroes to kill, eh? It must be my day or something." "Before you kill us," Max said. "Why did you rig this setup with you as the Ridiculous Class Wrestling commissioner?" "Weren't you listening when I told the audience a couple episodes ago?" FlatPhoot asked. "Nevermind, I'll tell it again. I never get tired of telling it. I'll probably tell my grandchildren about it, unless they're superheroes, in which case I'll kill them." "Get on with it," said Glum, bored. "Right, right," FlatPhoot said. "Basically, the idea I had was to lure a major hero into the Ridiculous Class Wrestling Circuit, which was already loaded with second-rate superheroes and supervillains. The death of this major hero would cause the tensions I have carefully built over the past few months to explode, and heroes and villains alike would throw out the rulebook and try to seriously kill each other. Which would dramatically further my goal of killing all super beings (other than myself, and my henchman and allies, of course)." "Wait," Glum said. "Bulk Bogus was the one who 'lured' us here, by telling us of your dirty doings..." FlatPhoot laughed, and pointed to the closet where Glum had been hiding. Hanging therein was a large grey rubber Bulk Bogus suit. "My loyal but somewhat stupid henchman the Electric Warrior here put on that costume and visited you. Bogus is currently in Europe somewhere now, on a year's vacation." "You'll never get away with this," Max growled. "I'll admit, you've stymied me so far," FlatPhoot said. "However, after Badass brings me Rad's lifeless body, I will be the victor." Glum's face turned ashen. She had left Rad asleep, unprotected. "Now, Mr. Vax, if you'll be so kind as to turn over the *real* microbugs." Now, Max's face turned ashen. "What--?" he stuttered. "Come, come," FlatPhoot said, waving his pizza slice impatiently. "An electronics genius like you wouldn't use these K-Mart sale items." Max blushed. "Hand them over, and I'll let the lady live." "Get out of here, Max!" Glum said. "Quickly!" Max looked at Glum for a long second. Then he was moving - not towards the door, where both FlatPhoot and the Electric Warrior were standing, but towards and through the window. He immediately realized that he had made a grave tactical error, as sixty stories of air yawned between him and the cold, hard pavement of the parking lot. ------------------------------------------------------------- Rad almost exclaimed as he saw Max leap out the window, but Elron clapped a heroic hand over Rad's mouth. "We cannot help him now, friend Rad. He has unwittingly leapt to his death, apparantly having forgotten that members of his species do not naturally have the power of flight. Rad relaxed a bit, and hardened his face. "Well, like, now we know what FlatPhoot is up to, dudes. So, like, let's stop him." They burst out of the air vent, or, rather, tried to. After twenty minutes and 36.2 vows to go on a strict diet once this mission was over, they wiggled out and were on the floor of FlatPhoot's office. FlatPhoot brought several pizza's out of the oven and set them on his desk. The pizzas looked extremely suspicious. "So," FlatPhoot said. "It would appear that my expensive but effective mercenary bodyguard Badass wasn't quite so effective after all. A pity good help is so hard to find these days." "We've, like, come to take you, like, to justice, dude," Rad said. Elron stood nobly, the Crimson Blob bounced up and down trying to look noble, or at least as noble as a foot-high amourphous red blob can look. Glum mmmmmfed at them from across the room, where she was tied up in a chair, several grounding wires leading from her. "She is important to you, no?" FlatPhoot asked. He picked up a particularly sharp looking pizza, and looked ready to throw it. "Well, come and get her." Next to him, the Electric Warrior powered up, electricity shining off of him. Elron flexed his muscles, and prepared to heroicly pummel his foes into little itty bitty pieces. The Crimson Blob burbled and extended red pseudopods. Rad felt the buildup of psychokinetic energy within him. "My pleasure, dude," he said. With that, all tarnation broke loose. WHO WILL WIN? WILL MAX VAX BE SPLATTERED IN THE PARKING LOT? IF SO, WHO WILL HAVE TO CLEAN UP? DOES FLATPHOOT HAVE A PIZZA PIZZA SPECIAL? IS LYNDON LAROUCHE A CONCEPT OR A MUTANT VIRUS? (whoops, that question was supposed to go to the POLITICS list, sorry) ALL THIS, EXCEPT THE LAST QUESTION, ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 15 Sep 1990 15:06:42 Subject: Rad 41: A Phoot in the Door From: It's a Lynch thing... <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #41: "A Phoot in the Door" by Gary W. Olson The room exploded into violence. FlatPhoot hurled a slice from the pizza he was holding, which exploded near the wall where the Crimson Blob was, well, bouncing. The Blob hurgled and burgled over a few chairs and the odd table or two, and landed in an amorphous heap on the floor. "Friend Blob!" Elron the Avenger exclaimed. He lept upon FlatPhoot and raised his fist, ready to strike down the archless- villain where he lay. Before he could do so, his wrists were en- circled by an enormous hand, and Elron was lifted from the ground. He grinned weakly as he looked at the face of the Electric Warrior. The Warrior grinned back. FlatPhoot had no sooner recovered than he was almost blown out of the office by one of Rad's psychokinetic blasts. Steadying himself and patting himself on the back for sewing antigravity pepperonis into his clothing. Looking down, he noted that there was no body on the pavement 60 stories below him, the place where, mere moments before, Max Vax had plunged to his death. "Odd," he mused. "Didn't think the cleaning staff was all that quick. They left some blood, though," he remarked, looking at the dark red blotches on the pavement below him. He went inside to find the Warrior was quite savagely beating up upon Elron. That quickly changed as Rad blasted the EW off of Elron, and the Crimson Blob hopped onto the Warrior's face, trying to suffocate him. Blob and carpet sizzled. Rad jumped on the Electric Warrior and started pummeling him with psychokinetic blasts. His experiences with Glum afforded him some limited immunity to the Warriors electric blasts, and Rad was taking advantage of that. Or, at least he *was* taking advantage of that, until the Warrior blasted him with a 100,000 volt electric charge. The eyes of Glum, who was tied up to a chair in the far corner of the room, bulged out, and she mmmmfffed some more as she tried to get free. "Like, whoah, dude," Rad said, staggering. "That was, like, most painful, like, y'know?" Oh, stop whining, you ninny. "Like, dude, y'know, I'm, like, the star here." Right, right. What was I thinking. Carry on. That's a good fellow. "Who's he talking to?" FlatPhoot asked Elron, who was cheerfully clobbering him. "You wouldn't understand," Elron replied, dodging a sharp-edged pizza thrown by FlatPhoot. "You've never had your own series." This, naturally, confused FlatPhoot a great deal, leaving him open to an attack by the sentient blob of protoplasm known as the Crimson Blob. He sliced at the Blob with another pizza, but only succeeded in smearing the Blob with tomato paste. Suddenly, vast quantities of ammunition sprayed through the office, for at least three full, continuous minutes, accompanied by a hideous braying sound. When it finally stopped, everyone looked at the large, donkey-humanoid figure in the doorway. "What?" Badass replied calmly. "I was just tryin' ta get yer attention." He turned to where Rad was standing, a psychokinetically charged fist pointing in Badass' direction. "Fortunately fer me, you overlooked the rocket launcher I hid in my utility belt." "Like, drop that most heinous weapon, dude," Rad said. "Or I'll, like, be forced to, y'know, like, blasticate you, like, y'know?" "Try it," Badass said. "See what happens to yer friends." Rad looked over to where the Electric Warrior stood, poised with electrically charged fists over Glum and Manny. Rad wavered a bit, then lowered his fist. Elron and the Blob looked on sadly. "Unfortunately," FlatPhoot said. "This sort of commotion is bound to be heard. Reporters should be here any minute. So, I cannot kill you just yet." He paused, looking sinister, or at the very least like a nerdy-looking pizza guy trying to look sinister. "However, I can use this to set up a match." "Like, uh-oh," Rad said. "I, like, don't like where this is, like, heading, dude." "A match," FlatPhoot continued. "Between you, Rad, and my loyal though somewhat stupid henchman, the Electric Warrior. In this match, after sixteen minutes have elapsed, the Warrior will kill you." "Like, told ya," Rad said. "I, like, definitely think this is the most, like, heinously bogus thing to come since, like, Rick Dees." "It's either that," Badass said. "Or I get ta turn yer girlie and your sidekick inta swiss cheese. Your choice pal." "Do not give in," Elron counseled. "You must not give in to the forces of evil!" FlatPhoot, the aforementioned force of evil, laughed. "Make your choice, hero," FlatPhoot said. "If you let the Warrior kill you, I give you my word that your Glum and Manny will live." Everyone watched him with tense expectation. "Like, ok, FlatPhoot," Rad said, quietly. "You win. I'll do it." The reporters barged in then, a bit befuddled that FlatPhoot was laughing his head off. ------------------------------------------------------------ Let us go back in time, dear reader. Not far, now, just to a few moments before, when Max Vax leaped out of a sixtieth story office building and rapidly started closing the distance with the hard con- crete below. Needless to say, it was one heck of a Maalox Moment for Max. Fortunately, Max had not come unprepared for such an eventuality. He whipped out a remote control from his pocket and pressed some buttons furiously. The rear doors of the van popped open, and a huge balloon filled with cherry pie billowed out. Seconds later, Max impacted upon the cherry pie balloon, causing it to splut out all over the pavement. Seconds later, Max stood up and brushed off as much cherry pie as he could. He couldn't resist licking his face. "Hmmmm," he said. "*Damn* good cherry pie." He pressed some more buttons and the cherry pie balloon retracted into the van, leaving some pie filling on the pavement. Couldn't be helped, Max reflected. He quickly scrambled into the van, hoping to find his armor warmed up. Instead, it was cold. Max cursed. Somebody had been here, probably Badass, and had clumsily tried to sabotage the armor. It would take time to fix, though. Max leaned back, and accidently bumped the tv switch. He was not surprised to see Rad and the Electric Warrior threatening each other. He *was* surprised that it was on tv. Then, the picture cut to Vince McMayonnaise and Jesse "the Corpse" Ventura. "This should be an electrifying matchup!" McMayonnaise exulted. "A bout for the title belt that has been weeks in the making." "I don't know, MyMayo," Jesse said. "I think that shifty Rad character is up to something. Every fact in my brain says so." "Both of them?" MyMayonnaise said. "That's something." That it was indeed, Max reflected. Max could only guess, but it looked like FlatPhoot was blackmailing Rad into throwing his life away by deliberately losing to the Electric Warrior, in return for the lives of Glum and Manny. That, by a spectacular coincidence, or maybe not, was absolutely correct. Max also noted that the fight was scheduled for that evening. Quickly, he sprang to work, to repair the damage to his armor. FlatPhoot believed him dead. So why not put that to use? ------------------------------------------------------------- Rad was back in the training room, working out with some weights. Actually, he was using his psychokinetic powers to tie-up the weights into pretzel-like objects. The keen eye could detect that he was slightly disturbed by the events that had transgressed that day. "Like, dude," Rad said. "Do you know that you, like, have a, like, most gnarly gift for, like, understatement?" Why, thanks, Rad. Coming from you that means...something, I'm sure. How are you going to rescue Glum? "Like, I dunno, dude," Rad said. He looked at the closed-circuit screen in the corner, which showed Glum, Manny, Elron, and the Crimson Blob tied up in a corner, with Badass holding several large armaments in their general direction. "Things, like, do not look good. The problem is, like, that I, like, know FlatPhoot won't keep his word, but, like, I can't think of, like, a rescue plan." Because you don't know the layout of the building? "No, because, like, I'm not used to thinking," Rad replied. "Manny or Glum usually, like, does that most heinous stuff. Too bad, like, Max Vax, like, splatted in the, like, parking lot. He would've, like, known what to, like, do, like, y'know?" At that particular moment in the space-time continuum, the screen on the closed circuit television changed, to be replaced by Max's face. "H-H-H-H-ey, R-R-Rad-ad-ad!" it said. "Like, wow," Rad exclaimed. "Max has, like, been absorbed into, like, a tv! He's, like, Max Vaxroom!" "Sorry," Max said, adjusting a few switches. "That better? Had a bit of problems tapping into the closed circuit line, but it looks like that took care of 'em." "Like, don't mean to, like, bum ya out, dude," Rad said. "But aren't you, like, supposed to be, y'know, uh...dead?" "Reports of my death have been greatly paginated," Max misquoted cheerfully, confusing Rad further. "Fortunately, I managed to activate my armor's systems in time to save myself. Unfortunately, someone, probably Badass, sabotaged my armor, and it'll take another hour to get it repaired." "Bummer, dude, you see what's going on?" Rad asked. "I've pretty much figured it out," Max said. "Here's the plan. While you go out and fight the Electric Warrior, I'll go in with my armor and rescue Glum, Manny, and those other two." Rad breathed a sigh of relief that he wouldn't be forced to actually think. "It'll be close, though," Max advised. "You won't be able to trounce the Warrior until you see Glum and them come down to ringside." "Bad news, dude," Rad said. "I've, like, only got sixteen minutes into the match before, I, like, am supposed to throw it and die, like, a most gnarly death. Can you do it, like, before then?" "Hope so," Max said. He looked down at something. "Gotta run. Any longer and they'll detect my presence on the net." With that he cut transmissions. --------------------------------------------------------------- "I'm Going To Rip Your Head Off - Nothing Personal, Really" by Walking Disaster Area ripped through the speakers as Rad strode down to the ring. The fans, particularly the male ones, seemed disappointed that Rad was not being accompanied by his shapely S.O. Glum, but they got over it. This was wrasslin! He stood wearing his usual skimpy wrestling trunks - this pleased the female fans - and displayed his most mind-boggling tan to the shameless adulation of the crowd. The cheers turned to boos when the Electric Warrior entered the stadium, with strains of a Milli Vanilli tune playing in the background. Fans who tried to touch him wound up with severe electrical shocks. Finally, they stood in their separate corners, glaring at each other. Rad thought something was oddly familiar about the Warrior, but couldn't place what it was. The bell rung, and the battle began. WHO WILL WIN? WILL MAX VAX SAVE THE HOSTAGES? WILL FLATPHOOT BE BROUGHT TO JUSTICE? WILL REGIS & KATHI LEE DO SOMETHING THAT *ISN'T* STOOPID? WHAT LOGGING CITY IN THE NORTHWEST DID MAX'S CHERRY PIE COME FROM? WILL WE SEE MORE FORESHADOWING? DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY MOLDY SPAM THEY'D LIKE TO SELL? ALL THIS AND A SHOCKING CONCLUSION IN AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 23 Sep 1990 19:57:28 Subject: Rad 42: Da Main Event From: It's a Lynch thing... <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #42: "Da Main Event" by Gary W. Olson Rad barely had time to react before the Electric Warrior blasted him with a savage electric shock, knocking him back into the corner of the wrestling ring. Spinning, Rad dodged a second electric blast and fired off a psychokinetic shot of his own, missing the Warrior but making quite an impressive dent in one of the ring posts. He knew he had sixteen minutes, then he would have to let the Warrior kill him, or FlatPhoot (who was sitting in the audience) would order his expensive but effective mercenary bodyguard Badass to kill his sidekick Manny, his S.O. Glum, and his allies Elron the Avenger and the Crimson Blob. Why? he wondered, as the Warrior grabbed him by the neck and sent a 100000 volt barrage through his system, did the Warrior seem familiar? Rad knew that he had never met him before, yet there was an air of familiarity about him. He put off this question for the moment as he threw the Warrior off of him against the ropes, then clotheslining him with his leg when the Warrior bounced back. The crowd cheered. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Elsewhere, Glum had a similar feeling of deja vu concerning the Warrior, although it was stronger, as she had actually *seen* him before. Not as Bulk Bogus (whom the Warrior had impersonated to lure them into FlatPhoot's trap) but before then. Badass paced in front of her, where she, Manny, Elron, and the Crimson Blob were securely tied (or, in the Blob's case, crazy glued). He paused, looked at Glum, brayed a bit, and loosened her gag. "Wouldn't scream if I were you, darlin'," the donkey mercenary said casually. "It'd be messy, fer you an' whomever comes lookin'." "Not to worry," Glum said, trying to fake a similar casualness, as she watched the match between Rad and the Electric Warrior on the small television screen. "You don't frighten me." "Tough broad like yerself, I'll bet I don't," Badass replied with even more casuality than before. He smoothly waved his fully-automatic uzi (which he easily converted from a semi-automatic) in Glum's general direction. "But then, no one's paid me to." "I can offer you double of whatever FlatPhoot's paying you," Glum replied. "Let us go." "'course ya could, darlin'. Doesn't matter, though. I made my rep by following through on my contracts, and I don't aim to stop now." "And you're going to kill us in twelve minutes..." "Eleven minutes." "...eleven minutes, unless darling lets the Warrior kill him." "Nothing passes by you, does it, doll?" "He'll probably kill us anyways!" the Crimson Blob burbled. Being as the Blob is an amorphous red blotch, he doesn't have a mouth per se, and thus couldn't be gagged. "That's probably what the boss wants," Badass said. "Hasn't ordered it yet, though." "So," Glum started. Her voice trailed off as she saw, through the broken window of FlatPhoot's sixtieth story office, a large, rising, armored form, painted a hideous orange color. "Will you come quietly, or do we have to get rough?" "Doll," Badass replied, hefting his Uzi, "there's a basic equation here that you're just not getting." He looked at Glum's eyes, which were focused elsewhere. He followed where they were looking at, and saw Max Vax, with an armored fist aimed at him, micromissiles primed. "Holy expletive," Badass muttered silently. He didn't even have time to get off more than fourty or fifty shots before the micromissiles came crashing into the office, filling it with smoke and fire. It took several minutes for it to clear. When it did, Glum could see Max climbing out of his armor and moving towards them. "Everyone okay?" Max asked as he untied them, and was somewhat surprised when Glum hugged him. Elron applied glue solvent to the Crimson Blob, who gurgled in response. "We thought you were dead, Max!" Glum said. "How did you survive?" "I was cushioned by a *damn* good cherry pie," Max said enigmatically. "I talked to Rad, and he knows what's going on. You've got to get down to the ring before the Warrior can flambe him." "Say," Manny said. "Where's Badass?" They all looked around in vain for the mercenary donkey. "Here," Elron said, pointing out a trail of blood drops that led out into the hall and one of the elevators. "He has escaped. I do not think he will be bothering us more today. Likely, though, we have not seen the last of him." They tried the elevators, and found them both jammed. "What'll we do?" Glum asked. "There's only two minutes to go!" "Only one way," Max said. He ran back to his armor and entered it. Causing the doorframe of the office (and most of the surrounding wall) to collapse, he emerged into the hallway. He then proceeded to take out his VaxAx and slash an opening into the elevator. The shaft yawned below them. "No time, kids," Max said, holding his armored arms out. "Everyone climb aboard. We're going down the hard way." --------------------------------------------------------------- Rad looked at the pizza-stained sign that FlatPhoot was holding up. Just twenty seconds to go. Thus far, he had battled the Electric Warrior to a standstill, and was feeling quite tired. At about that moment, there was a loud crashing sound coming from about the direction of the elevators. A large, hideously orange armor suit carrying three figures and one red splotch lay in a small crater where the elevators once waited. The figures sprang up, and a fourth figure emerged from the armor to join them. One of the figures, wearing a tiger-stripe print bikini, he recognized instantly. "Babe!" Rad shouted to Glum. "Darling!" Glum shouted to Rad. Unfortunately, at this particular moment in the space-time continuum, Rad was in the middle of a wrestling match with a particularly deadly opponent, a fact that he had somewhat conveniently forgotten. The Warrior, however, was most eager to remind him of this, and did so by tackling him from behind and applying a chokehold to his neck. Rad was awash in electric pain, as he lost his vision. Inside, he saw the electricity as energy. His mind retreated into itself, and he let his rage take over, as he had in Tokyo, pouring psychokinetic energy back into the Warrior. His vision returned - not of the wrestling ring, but of a mass of millions of stunningly tanned people - not quite as vastly tan as he himself was, but enormously tan in and of themselves. He saw them a bit more clearly this time. They were...bowing? "I don't, like, get this, like, dude," Rad thought. Well, there you go again. I try to set up something nice and surreal and you go and ruin it by talking. "Well, like, dude, it's not, like, my fault," Rad replied. "I, like, haven't had any dialogue in this episode yet." Anyway, like I said, they were bowing... "Who are they, dude?" Rad asked. "And why are they bowing?" Heh. Wouldn't you like to know. At any rate, they seemed to be bowing. Cool guitar sounds floated hazily in the background. The phrase 'my people...' floated lazily through Rad's mind. Information flowed to him, then, not from the vision, but from the Warrior's mind, as to who the Warrior was. He had been an agent of the Imperial Missing Persons Bureau, sent to find and retrieve Glum, had she, by some miricle, survived the explosion of her star yacht and made it to Earth. Something had happened, though. A disruption in the time-field had upset his bioelectric field, caused it to run away. And to save his sanity, he had retreated. Into his mind. Away from the madness. "Like, how most bogus, dude," Rad thought. There you go again. "Sorry, dude, but I am, like, the star of this, like, title." No, no, don't apologize. I'll (sigh) just forge on. The audience on the outside saw a most amazing sight. Rad's flesh was crackling with electricity, and seemed to be dissolving. The Electric Warrior's flesh was starting to ripple and crackle, as Rad's psychokinetic energy wreaked havoc within it. "They've completed a circuit!" Glum said. "I do not understand," Elron said. "The Warrior's power is electrically based," Glum explained. "Darling's is psychokinetically based. But they're both forms of energy, and they're locked into a destructive loop! We've got to break this match up!" "Armor's busted up," Max said. "It'll be a helluva repair job. FlatPhoot's rabbited, too. No way to get him to stop the Warrior." "Then we shall have to enter," Elron said. "Are you ready, Blob?" "Ready, friend Elron!" the Crimson Blob replied. But they never had a chance to enter. As the crowd watched in awe, the form of Rad, crumbling in places though it was and burning hot with electricity, was lifing the ruptured though still fighting form of the Electric Warrior into the air. Inside Rad's mind, things were, to say the least, psychadaelic. Floating bottles of tanning lotion exploded idly as cool Hendrix riffs hung in the background and reflected sunlight. Rad had no idea he and the Warrior were floating up towards the giant tv screens above the ring. They seemed to pull at them, a gateway to pour the madness into. Rad felt the strength of the people of his vision pouring through him. With a final, desperate effort, he poured a maximum psychokinetic blast into the Warrior, and they separated. Glum and the others watched in desperate awe as the figures, glowing and crackling with painful brightness, seperated. The Warrior crashed to the campus. Rad, his body ruptured from the feedback, hurtled into the giant screen. The screen exploded, a star for a breif time, illuminating the stunned audience with daylight. The flare dissapated, then, leaving nothing but a chunk of shorted-out, fused electronics. Glum flew up and looked desperately for Rad. It was difficult to see through the smoke and tears. But there was no body. Nothing at all. Just an idle green flicker, that quickly disappeared. Listlessly, she floated to the ground. The Electric Warrior was being strapped to a stretcher. His body had been ruptured so, it was questionable whether he would survive the night. Manny ran up to her, but could not find the voice to ask his question. Glum answered it for him. She scooped up a bit of the ashes that had settled heavily onto the ring. The ashes had a tan hue. Manny stared at the ashes for a long, long time. He looked wordlessly at Glum. They embraced tearfully, ignoring the dull noise of the crowd around them. ------------------------------------------------------------- The surf washed against a long, empty beached, and the sun shone hotly against the superbly tanned figure who lay upon it. With some effort, the figure lifted itself and looked around. "Like, whoah, dude," Rad said, confused. "Major misdirection here. Like, what is, like, going on?" He wandered along the beach a bit, and saw a bit of wood on the ground. He looked at it curiously. "Like, hmmm," Rad said. "The, like, S.S. Minnow." He pondered this a bit. "Naaaaah. Couldn't be." COULD IT? WHERE IS RAD? WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM? WILL THE ELECTRIC WARRIOR LIVE? WILL BADASS AND FLATPHOOT RETURN? WILL MAX VAX FIX HIS ARMOR? WILL M.C. HAMMER AVOID COMMERCIALLY SELLING OUT? ALL THIS AND GIIIII-LIIIII-GAAAAAAAAAN! IN RAD'S MOST SURREAL STORYLINE YET IN AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 27 Sep 1990 20:44:42 Subject: Rad 43: Isle Thing From: Is the Queen sane? <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #43: "Isle Thing" by Gary W. Olson "Well, dude," Rad said. "This island is, like, really most excellent. It could use, like, some fabulous babes, though." At that particular moment, two fabulous babes emerged from the dense jungle at the edge of the beach. They were chattering away to each other and had 50's-ish sort of hairdos. Upon seeing Rad they stopped in stunned silence, not sure whether to run away and warn the others or compliment him on his most outstanding tan. "Well, like, that's better," Rad said. The babes, upon hearing that, decided upon retreat as the best course of action. Rad, quite naturally and in keeping with the Hedonistic Credo, went crashing through trees and underbrush and foliage and other such things that are usually found in jungles, following them. He spotted them waiting at the far end of a small clearing. "Hi," one of them, a redhead, said. "I'm Ginger. This is Mary Ann. That's a fabulous tan you've got there." "Well, er, like, thanks, babes," Rad said. "I'm, like, Rad, and like, I just washed up, like, here today." He walked over to where the women were, ignoring the stunned look on their faces. "The trap didn't work!" Mary Ann said. Rad looked puzzled. A tall, lanky guy wearing a bright red shirt charged out from where he had been hiding in the forest, followed by a large fat man wearing a bright blue shirt and a captain's cap. "Here's the problem, skipper!" the guy in red said. "This rope is caught on this root here. I'll untangle it." "Gilligan, wait!" the Skipper said, but it was no use. A net of vines leaped up and ensnared Gilligan and the Skipper, lifting them up. "No way, dude..." he said slowly. "I'm, like, on Gilligan's Island! -------------------------------------------------------------- The beach house was lighted dimly when Manny, Glum, and Max finally arrived. They had spent most of the night and day explaining what had happened and talking to reporters and cleaning up the cherry pie in the parking lot. They had also bid farewell to Elron the Avenger and the Crimson Blob, who, no longer having a mission on Earth, decided to return to the Heyustarddedit Federation. Laura Laffalot, Max Vax's fiance, rushed out to greet them. Glum and Manny seemed quite strung-out. "I saw it happen on tv," she said. "I'm so...so sorry...." They went inside. The living room of the beach house was dim, with the images from the television giving off the most light. Glum recognized Chalandra Harkness as she rose from her chair. Wordlessly, she hugged Glum and Manny in turn. "We'll find FlatPhoot," Chalandra said. "We have a few leads..." "We who?" Manny asked. "Oh, that's right, you haven't met Horace yet. Horace!" Manny, despite his grief over the (perceived) loss of Rad, nevertheless found the wherewithal to become jealous. He found that it was unnecessary. He was a large golden dragon - well, not really large large, but quite big compared to the other sentients in the room. His golden scales shone in the dim light - that is, shining where it wasn't covered up by a business suit. A large felt hat adorned the dragon's head, and he was carrying a huge breifcase. Through some miricle of high-speed contortion, he made his way through the door frame. "I'm terribly, terribly sorry to hear about your loss," the dragon said. "Such a lousy way to go." Chalandra picked up the television remote and switched off the tube, so that it would not be a distraction. Gilligan's Island, a show she truly detested, was on, though it would soon be off. Just before the screen darkened, Chalandra thought she saw the Skipper and Gilligan being helped out of a net by an extremely well-tanned being. She shook her head to clear it. It had been a tiring day. --------------------------------------------------------------- The occupants of the island and Rad sat around the picnic table, after having gorged themselves on a fabulous coconut and fish meal. Rad sipped his coconut fish milkshake quietly while the Professor went over the story Rad had given him. "So, what you're saying is, that *we* are not real, just characters in a old tv comedy show that has been in reruns for a couple of decades." "S'right, dude," Rad said. "*And*, you got to our island because you were in a wrestling match and you crashed into a giant screen television, there was a psychobio explosion and next thing you knew, you were here." "Like, that about, like, sums it up, dude," Rad said. "Are you sure you didn't hit your head?" Mrs. Howell asked. "I, like, don't get it," Rad said. "You see, Rad," the Professor said. "From *our* perspective, it appears that *you* are the one who is unclear on the concept. We're going to need some convincing proof before we believe you." "Hmmm. Lemme think," Rad said. And he thunk. And thunk. "Sorry, profdude. Can you think of, like, anything, like, narrating dude?" Well, it does seem you're in a bit of a tight spot here, doesn't it. "Who's he talking to?" Mr. Howell asked. With that, I summoned up my narrative muscles and materialized in the center of the coconut fish jell-o molds, surprising everyone. -------------------------------------------------------------- A small, silvery ship drifted silently, in the general orbit of Jupiter. It was shaped, roughly, like a donut, and not the glazed kind, either. It belonged to an entertainment company of the Ottsamaddawidu Empire, and was recording some of the more interesting television programs for concentrated beamback to the company's home planet, where the shows would be marketed, some to local planetary networks, some to particular interstellar markets, and a few of the more popular ones to the galaxy-wide networks. Similar ships dotted hundreds of thousands of planets in the galaxy like this, sophisticated enough to produce video programs but primitive enough to not be able to travel to the company's home planet and demand a share of the profits. In two of the rooms, deep snoring sounds issued forth, from sleeping crew. In another of the rooms, all was dark except a large bank of tv screens, about 200 or so. Most of the screens were small, except one wide-screen screen, upon which the picture changed constantly. The occupant of the chair in front of the big screen cursed in a most informative and educational manner. "Geez, where's the Nude Harness Racing Channel (NHRC)?" he said inbetween curses. He was humanoid in form, with feline features, including luxurient golden fur, a handsome mane of dark brown, and a long tail that swished angrily in the air. As is common with males the galaxy over, he was slouched in the chair, in his underwear, one hand on the remote, the other on his beer. He grumbled a bit more, then continued to change channels rapidly, pausing only to curse a bit more and open another bottle. Suddenly, he froze. The beer slipped out of his hands, crashing onto the floor. Two figures stop snoring, and stumbled into the room. "Jerriphrrt," one of them, whom looked reptilian in form. "What?" "Look at the screen, Slithis, Benjen," Jerriphrrt said. "What do you see?" They looked at the screen. "Pro wrestling, Jerri," Benjen, a humanoid who actually looked human except for the small horns on his head. "So?" Jerriphrrt switched in the recently logged video of the match. They saw what appeared to be an exquisitely tanned being battling against one of Benjen's people. "That's not it," Jerriphrrt said. He fastforwarded it a bit. The audience turned, as if it had heard a large armored suit making a small crater where the elevators used to be. The camera focused on a large armored suit that had made a small crater where the elevators used to be. Several figures bounded out of the crater, moving towards the ring and the camera. The camera focused on one face. Jerriphrrt froze the screen there. Slithis and Benjen stood in stunned disbelief. "By all the gods and devils in the galaxy," Benjen breathed. "She's alive. The Princess Glum is alive and well on Earth!" "Do you know what this means?" Jerriphrrt asked. "Uh...she's not dead?" Slithis ventured. "No, you idiot!" Jerriphrrt replied. "There's a reward of billions of credits straight from the Emperor himself to whomever finds the lady Glum. And *we*, dear compadres, are going to claim it! All we have to do is beam this shot, along with our claim, to Hottentot, on the police frequency." His tail was waggling with dreams of wealth and avarice, and, had his companions had tails, they would be waggling as well. The recording was beamed. The trio celebrated. ------------------------------------------------------------ I was helped out of the jello-mold by Rad and Ginger, and it was hard to tell who was more stunned, even though I had been narrating Rad's adventures for a little less than a year now. "Hello," I said. "I'm the narrator, or, more precisely, Rad's narrator. Pleased to meet you." The Professor shook my hand carefully. "Like, dude, you never told me you could do that," Rad said. "I couldn't, not in the regular universe," I explained. "But, I'm in a fictional universe here, and hence can corporealize myself." "Well, golly, Mr. Narrator," Gilligan said. "That would mean that we're being narrated by someone else, being fictional, and that you yourself are being narrated by a fictional narrator, and that means you don't exist either." "Gilligan!" the Skipper yelled. "Actually," I said. "He's got the right idea. It's called the Moebius Narrational Loop Theory, in which I am actually narrating myself even while I'm a speaking character. Even when I'm not talking, I'm still interjecting 'he said's and 'the Skipper yelled's, because of this quite interesting quantum fiction theory." "I see," Mr. Howell said. "So, it's true, we're only fictional?" "Yes," I replied, savoring a bit of coconut and fish pie. "Unfortunately, Rad is not, and his presence here is disrupting your electromagnetic flow, causing plotus interruptus." "What's that?" Gilligan asked. "Well," Rad said. "Basically, like, in this episode, like, you were going to, like, try to get to the mainland by, like, using a large catapault. But the coming hurricane will wash it into the sea, stranding you on the island again." "How did you know there's a hurricane coming? There's not a cloud in the sky, and you're nowhere near as bright as me!" the professor said. "I've seen the episode before, dude," Rad replied. "Oh," the professor said. "Well, I guess we can scratch that idea." "Not so fast," I interjected. "If you catapault us with your machine, we should be able to achieve such a velocity so that it would permit us to leave this show, which should return you to normal. At that moment, suddenly and without warning, the hurricane hit. The next morning, the occupants of the island searched for Rad and myself, but could not find anything. Soon, they forgot about me, and lapsed into the episode in which a phone cable washes up on the island, they try to call the mainland, and a hurricane washes the cable away. --------------------------------------------------------------- When we woke, it was not on a beach. Rather, it was in a dense clump of douglas firs, with the birds singing a pretty song, and music always in the air. "Like, whoah, dude," Rad said. "Most righteous storm. Where we at?" I said nothing, but headed down a short hill. The woods thinned, and we could see the RR Diner in the early morning light. "Twin Peaks, Rad," I said. "Bummer, dude," Rad said. "I ain't seen this show at all." WILL RAD AND I EVER ESCAPE FROM THIS TELEVISION MAZE? WILL RAD CATCH UP ON HIS TWIN PEAKS EPISODES? WILL GILLIGAN EVER MAKE IT TO THE MAINLAND AGAIN? "Like, yeah, dude. There was, like two movies in, like, which he like, did just that..." IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION. "Sorry." WHAT WILL JERRIPHRRT, SLITHIS, AND BENJEN DO NEXT? WILL HORACE TRY TO SELL SPAMWAY PRODUCTS? ALL THIS AND A POLICEMAN'S DREAM ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 03 Oct 1990 19:58:48 Subject: Rad 44: A *Damn* Fine Tan From: Is the Queen sane? <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD 44: "A *Damn* Fine Tan!" by Gary W. Olson As Rad and I walked casually into the RR Diner, we were struck by the dreamy music playing seemingly from nowhere. A young woman danced dreamily by one of the tables. "Mmmmmmm," she said. "Isn't this music just so dreamy?" I looked at Rad, who was barely succeeding at not having his eyes go "bwoing-oing-oing." She opened her eyes and stared back at us. "Hi," she said. "I'm Audrey. Why are you dressed like Gilligan's Island rejects?" "He dresses like that naturally," I said. "I'm dressed like that because that's where I manifested myself." At that particular moment, a white t-shirt materialized in place of my Hawaiian-print shirt, a faded pair of Levis materialized on my legs, and a shiny black leather coat appeared over the t-shirt. From the coat I pulled a set of mirrorshades and slipped them on. "Like, how did you do that, dude?" Rad asked. "You forget, Rad, this is a fictional reality," I replied. "We have greater control over ourselves when we can change the details." "He's right," Audrey said. "Donna grew her hair six inches overnight. I'm so jealous." "You, like, know you're in a fictional reality, Audrey?" Rad asked. "Mmmmm-hmmmmm," Audrey replied. "He was explaining it to me before you arrived." We looked over to the far end of the counter, where a figure was sitting, under a m00se head mounted on the wall, talking with Hank about the metaphysical properties of dominoes. Hank saw Leo at that point, and ran off after him with a couple shotguns. "Bill," I said, addressing the figure, a tall, thin guy wearing loose brown pants which may or may not have been Dockers, and a blue- and-grey mottled shirt with elbow-length sleeves. He was slipping coffee and seemed sort of morose. "Gary," he addressed me back. At that point, to Rad's utter confusion, Bill and I both raised our hands to the sides of our heads, thumbs outstretched and touching our ears, palms open facing forwards, and letting out a loud "bl00p!" "At last we meet," I said. "Rad, Bill Dickson. Bill, Joe Moroboshi, aka Rad." "Hey, Rad," Bill said. "You weren't kidding about that tan. Wow!" "So what brings you out this way?" I asked. "A little business," Bill replied. "Came out to check on the Bookhouse Boys, see how well they're spreading confusion. They seem to be doing well, as this plot is most confusing." "You're members of a conspiracy?" Audrey breathed. "Yep," we both answered simultaneously. "Well, we'd better move to that booth," Audrey said. "Like, why?" Rad asked. "Will someone, like, hear them?" "No," Audrey said. "This is a non-conspiracy section." She pointed to a sign that said "Non-smoking, non-conspiring section." Not willing to upset Norma, the owner of the RR Cafe, who's husband, Hank, could probably inflict great and painful damage upon our persons, we moved over to the booth. "You know," I said. "My name, if you converted it into numerical form, squared it, added two, subtracted the year Weishaupt revived the Bavarian Illuminati, and subtracted the aggregate total number of taxi drivers in New York (20162, a number which, if the digits are added, equals 11), you'd wind up with the numerical equivalent of the sentence, "Jesse Helms is a butthead?" "Coincidence?" Bill asked. "I think not." "So," I said, after obtaining a coffee that was *damn* good, and *hot*, "if the Bookhouse Boys are doing so well, why do you look so morose?" "Writer's block," Bill replied, sipping his coffee. "Approximately the size of Tommy LaSorda before SlimFast." Rad whistled slightly here, while Audrey started to knead Rad's shoulder and neck muscles. As Bill and myself continued to chat, we saw the log lady approach. She sat in the booth next to us, holding her log protectively. "A man will contact everyone in the town today," she said. "My log heard someone talking about it." "Like, what'll he say?" Rad asked, while slipping into relaxation. "He will say," she started, then looked at the log a bit. She looked up again. "He will say that *you*...may already be a winner." The log lady left. "You know," I said. "You should try some of the cherry pie they've got here. I hear it's really excellent." "Might as well," Bill said. "No bowling alleys in this town." Shelly approached the booth with coffee. "Cherry pie, please?" "Two," I said. "Like, three," Rad said. "Four," Audrey said. "You want ten cherry pies?" Shelly asked, confused. After much confusion and math anxiety, we finally got things straightened out and got four cherry pies. Before we could dig in, Leo rushed in, looking around to make sure Hank wasn't there. "Shelly, I thought I told you *not* to have an affair with Bobby Briggs." "I'm not, Leo!" Shelly said. "Honest! I'm only having sex with him." "That'd better be all," Leo replied. "I got a new job now, one I'm especially qualified for." "What job?" Bill asked. "You're abusive, bullying, arrogant, and like to coerce people to do things." "Yeah," Leo said. "Visa said I'd make a great debt collector. Me and that Bob fellow. Gotta run, Shel. Later." With that he was gone. Rad peered at Bill and I with worry. "I, like, don't get it," he said. "You dudes, like, look nervous." "Er, nuthin, nevermind, Rad," I said. "Mmmmm," Bill said, digging into his cherry pie. "This is delicious! The best pie I ever had. This must be where pie's go when they die." He continued eating a bit. Suddenly, a light bulb materialized above his head and lit. "Hey!" he said, almost forgetting to swallow his pie, "I've finally got an idea! Really! I--" Suddenly, he blipped out of existence. "Damn BITNET links," I mumbled under my breath. Rad looked extremely puzzled, while Audrey continued to eat her cherry pie casually, her arms firmly wrapped around Rad's neck and her chin resting on his shoulder. "Like, I don't get it," Rad said. "What, like, happened to him?" "Sudden dimensional shift, phantagorasmic revenge, stuff like that," Audrey replied. "We get that all the time around here." "Well, Audrey," I said. "I'm able to leave at any time, but Rad will need help to exit this dimension. Do you know where Agent Cooper is?" "Sure," Audrey said, finishing her pie. "He's at the sheriff's office. I just saw a couple of donut trucks stopping by there. I'll take you there." ---------------------------------------------------------------- The beach house was still dark that Saturday night, the only light being cast by the television set. Manny and Glum had been flipping through channels idly, not really able to decide on anything, but not wanting to turn it off. Suddenly, and without warning, they hit the ABC affiliate channel, and saw a familiar face. "Do you see..." Glum started. "...what I see?" Manny finished. They stared at the screen. On it, they saw three people walking towards the sheriff's office. Actually two were walking. One of them was wearing a black leather jacket and talking endlessly. The second was wearing Hawaiian-print bermuda shorts and had a tan of epic proportions. The third one, the only one of the three who was actually supposed to be a character in the show, still had her arms wrapped around Rad's neck from behind and her chin on his shoulder. However, since he was a good deal taller than she was, her feet dangled a good foot from the ground. Furthermore, he seemed to be largely ignoring Audrey. "Odd," Manny said. "Rad never told me he filmed for Twin Peaks." "He didn't," Glum said in further confusion. "And who's that dork he's walking with?" That's me. "That's you?" Manny asked. "The Narrator? On Twin Peaks?" Well, actually, I'm manifesting myself there to try to guide Rad back into this dimension. It's proving more difficult than I anticipated. "Back...into this dimension?" Glum asked, her voice rising. Yes. Well, I might as well tell you...when Rad impacted with that television monitor, the circuit that was created by the energies of himself and the Electric Warrior intersected with the television, creating an improbability broach. He's entered the television dimension, and has been going from show to show, trying to find a way out. Glum squealed with joy. "Manny! Get this on videotape! We'll need it to convince the others." She rushed to the television set and yelled into it. "We'll get you out, darling! Just hold on!" She left, but returned in a second. "And not to her, either!" ---------------------------------------------------------------- The voice had boomed through the area, surprising Audrey and embarassing Rad. He quickly unwrapped Audrey from his neck and set her down. She walked gingerly into the sheriff's department. "No, I'm sorry," we heard the voice of Lucy the receptionist as we walked in. "We don't need any more glazed donuts today. We're short on the jelly-filled one's though. You'll send a couple trucks by this afternoon? Okay, bye." Lucy hung up the phone and smiled. "Hi, may I help you?" she asked. "Like, yah, babe, like, we're, like, lookin fer, y'know, like, Agent Cooper and, like...er..." "Sheriff Truman," I offered helpfully. "Yah," Rad added. "Him too." Lucy turned on the intercom. "Uh, sir, there's two men here to see you." "Let me guess - a pan-dimensional narrative being and a true Californian," the voice on the other end replied. "Yes, but, how did you know?" Lucy asked. "Tibet," the voice said. "Send them in." We walked into a medium-sized conference room. Allegedly, there was a conference table in there, but it was difficult to tell from the mountain and a half of donuts piled on and around it. A tall, sharp-cut fellow wearing a three-piece suit emerged from behind one of the mounds. "Special Agent Dale Cooper, FBI," the man said. Indicating a more casually dressed man next to him, he said "Sheriff Harry S. Truman." "Let me guess," another man said. "Opie's been kidnapped." "And that," Cooper went on. "Is our sultan of setiment, Albert. I'm given to understand that you're seeking a way out of this show." "Like, yah, dude," Rad said. "How...?" "I had a dream," Cooper went on. "I was told that Lysol would explode, a man in tights would amaze me with his vast tan, and that I may already be a winner. From that, I deduced that you would show up." "So now what?" I asked. "Now," said Cooper, with one of *those* smiles, "I go to sleep." We both barely had time to emit expressions of confusion before entering the dream sequence. It seemed a lot like the office we were in, except Albert wasn't there (it was a pleasant dream). "There's a portal here," Cooper said, opening the door. A solid white light glowed from beyond. "Step through, and you'll be out of here." "But, like, where will I be?" Rad asked. "Don't know," Cooper asked. "Another network maybe, or a local station." "Anywhere's better than here!" a voice squawked. Rad felt claws on his shoulder, and turned to see Waldo, the mynah bird. "C'mon, take me with you. It's so *boring* here, especially now that I'm dead." "Go ahead," Cooper said. With that, Rad stepped unhesitatingly through the portal, Waldo the mynah bird with him. I blipped out of material existence as Laura Palmer walked into the room. WHERE WILL RAD SHOW UP NEXT? WILL GLUM AND MANNY BE ABLE TO RETREIVE RAD? WHO KILLED LAURA PALMER? WHAT WAS BILL DICKSON'S MOST EXCELLENT IDEA? WILL THE BOOKHOUSE BOYS GENERATE EVEN MORE CONFUSION? ALL THIS AND MORE ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 10 Oct 1990 00:22:00 Subject: Rad 45: Where no Dude has Gone Before... From: Is the Queen sane? <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #45: Where no Dude has Gone Before..." by Gary W. Olson Rad materialized on the transporter pad, with Waldo the mynah bird perched on his shoulder. He blinked profusely and looked at Mr. Scott, who was, as you can no doubt imagine, looking back at him. "Like, dude, Mr. Spot!" Rad exclaimed, bounding off of the trans- porter pad to shake Scotty's hand. Scotty looked remarkably perplexed, but retained the wits to motion to the security guards. They fired their phasers at Rad, while Rad instinctively put up a psychokinetic shield, which reflected the phaser fire back onto the security guards. "Cap'n Kirk," Scotty said. "We have an...unexpected visitor, which security has been unable to stop. What'll ye have me do?" "Bring him to the Bridge," Kirk said over the communicator. "And bring a couple of hot dogs with you. I haven't had lunch all day." "Aye, Cap'n," Scotty said. "Cleanup squad, report to transporter room one." "So, like, dude," Rad said. "Don't you, like, recognize me? You helped us defeat the Dalans six months ago. But weren't you real then?" Scotty looked strangely at Rad. "Don't listen to him," Waldo cackled. "His train of thought is short a few cars." "Hey, Waldo-dude," Rad said. "At least *I* haven't died yet." "How do you know this isn't the afterlife?" Waldo replied. "It lacks string cheese," Rad said, at which point Scotty gave up trying to understand them altogether. The doors of the turbolift opened and they were on the bridge. "I'm Captain Kirk," a man who looked amazingly like William Shatner said. "Why are you here?" "Well, like, my father met my mother, and they, like..." "No, no, no!" Kirk said. "Why are you *here*?" "Well, like," Rad began. "I was thrown into this, like, televis- ion show, and I've been, like, wandering around different shows, trying to get back to, like, the real world, y'know?" "Captain," Mr. Spock said, stepping from his science console. "If I mind-meld with him, we can learn what we need to know without having to actually listen to him." "Do it, Spock," Kirk said, as McCoy arrived on the bridge. "He can't 'do it' now, Jim," McCoy said. "It hasn't been seven years!" Spock ignored McCoy and began to merge minds with Rad. ----------------------------------------------------------- Manny and Glum were showing the Twin Peaks tape to Chalandra Harkness, Max Vax and his fiance Laura Laffalot, and Horace the Dragon. Instead of showing what was on the screen, it showed the regular Twin Peaks episode, without a hint of Rad anywhere. Manny and Glum stared at the screen in disbelief. "He was on!" Glum exclaimed. "Where is he?" "I saw it too!" Manny said. "I did!" "Glum," Chalandra said. "I know how you miss him. And that may make you see things." "I saw it too!" Manny said. "Explain that!" "Splunge," Chalandra replied. Glum swung her fists in frustration. They hit the VCR, turning it off most violently. The scene was replaced by the episode of Star Trek that was currently playing on the local area station. On it, Mr. Spock was giving a mind-meld to a fantastically tanned being, who looked one heck of a lot like... "Rad!" Max Vax and Laura said. "Rad!" Chalandra said. "You know," Horace said. "Spock looks a lot like Captain Quirk's hand-puppet Splock." "Now you see," Glum said. "Yes," Chalandra replied. "Question is...what do we do?" They thought. And thought some more. And still more. "I know!" Manny exclaimed. "We'll call Faith and Healer!" "How?" Chalandra said. "Their locations are top secret." "No problem," Manny continued. "My brother, Eivandt, is their cheif sidekick now. I'll dial him up." -------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, far off in space (no, not in the TV dimension, but in this one), Ianonuthink, Emperor of the far-flung Ottsamaddawidu Empire, watched the transmission sent recently by the television crew orbiting the planet where he had believed his daughter, Glum, had died. Beside him, Richard Nixon guffawed. "Come on, Ian ol' buddy," Nixon said. "It's gotta be a forgery. Never believe anything you see or hear on tape, Ian! Remember, I told you that!" "No," Ianonuthink said slowly, his large bulk shaking slightly on his enormous throne, situated in the Emperor's Palace in the Capital City ("Hottentot City") on the Capital Planet ("Hottentot"). "It is her. I know. Where is Galaxy Hunter?" "On a mission, Ian," Nixon said. "What about Hardeharharlock?" Ianonuthink said. "I know he's a bad sort, Dicky, but he's a man of his word." "We've been unable to get a fix on him since the Wader affair. By the way, Wader's beginning to show some progress in the regen tanks. I estimate that in another month he'll be ready for hypno-conditioning." "Good, good..." Ianonuthink said, and trailed off. Nixon took this opportunity to slink off. "Dammit!" Nixon said. Herb Villachez looked up at him strangely. "What is wrong, boss?" he said. "Ian's hypno-conditioning is showing some cracks," Nixon said. "Just cause his blasted daughter shows up from the dead. I managed to hold him off this time, but until we can get him back under, we've got to be more careful." "Yes, boss," Villachez replied. "You make a good henchman," Nixon said. "I'm sort of glad that Willard Scott turned good. His loss is my gain. Now, here's what we'll do. We've got to send someone after Glum, under the Emperor's direct orders. I'll convince Ian that those three tv techs who sent in the transmission should retreive her...er, what were their names?" "Jerriphrrt, Slithis, and Benjen," Villachez replied patiently. "Right, right," Nixon said. "And prepare Barry Manilow for thawing, just in case something goes wrong and those three *do* manage to bring Glum back." "In case they *do*, boss?" "Yes!" Nixon said. "How competent could three tv techs stuck on the edge of the known galaxy be? Now get going!" "Yes, boss," Villachez said. He turned and waddled off. Nixon watched him leave then opened a hidden panel, where a soul crystal rested. It writhed and roiled with an unholy light. Nixon smiled. Gorgax would be his ace in the hole. -------------------------------------------------------------- The mind-meld ended. Spock turned and faced the Captain. "Captain," he said. "He is an interdimensional traveler, sent here by accident. In his dimension, apparantly, we are all fictional characters in what was called a 'television show.'" "Really?" McCoy said. "Who writes your dialogue - the General Accounting Office?" "Furthermore, we have counterparts in his dimension, which are quite sublimely bizarre twists on ourselves. I, for example, am a hand puppet." "Now that would be something to see!" Sulu said, his only line in the entire episode. "Yes," agreed Chekov, *his* only line, as well. "Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately," Spock said. "Rad, as he is called, did not see most of this firsthand, only through the descriptions of Mr. Scott's dimensional counterpart, Mr. Spot." "By the way, Mr. Scott," Kirk said. "Where are those hot dogs?" "Right here, suh," Scott said. "But there's a problem. Our recent encounters with the Klingons have drained our dilithium crystals. We can't go forwards or backwards and have no shields or phasers. We can't even get the synthesizer to make any mustard!" He held out two uncondimented hot dogs with buns, one of which Kirk took. "Spock," Kirk said. "Your analysis." "You and Mr. Scott are about to eat your hot dogs without mustard." "Right as always, Mr. Spock," Kirk said, proceeding to do so. "Captain!" Uhura said, in her only line of the episode. "We're receiving a distress signal from Gamma Sigma Epsilon Delta Triangula Spatula Motzarella Goodfella IV." "Right!" Kirk said, having forgotten about Rad. "Warp 30 to... uh...that place you said." At that point, an entity blipped onto the bridge and said "sorry, but you can only go warp 10, because I said so." "Who are you?" Kirk said. "I'm Q!" Q replied. "You look like Gene Roddenberry," Rad said. "Sssssh!" Q replied, instantly reshaping his face to look like John DeLancie's. "And who is this...thing...narrating on and on all the time?" "You can here him, dude?" Rad said. "Of course I can," Q replied. "I'm omnipotent." By way of proving that, he drew upon his powers, and -- er, hey! Stop that! (thud). I found myself corporeal again, wearing a Starfleet uniform. "Thought so," Q replied. "Like, how'd he do that, dude?" Rad asked, helping me up. "Being a narrational entity," Q said. "He has some pan-spatial powers. Even so, he's not as powerful as I, the supreme being in *this* universe, Gene Rodd--er, Q!" "Whatever," Kirk interrupted. "I have to get to Gamma...er...IV, to answer that distress signal thingie." "No problem," Q said, snapping his fingers. Instantly, the Enterprise was in orbit around Gamma...er...IV. "Why did you appear here?" I asked. "I thought you only appeared on Next Gen." "I got bored," Q said. "So sue me." With that, he blipped away again. "So," I said. "What's this distress signal thingie about?" "Colonists have been disturbed at the appearance of a dimensional rift in the middle of their major shopping mall," Spock replied. "I believe that it was your enterance into this universe that caused the rift." "Therefore," Kirk said. "You'll have to go through the rift to restore this universe. But first...Spock, how many ways are there to die on the planet below?" "Working," the computer said. After a pause it followed up with "five." "Fine," Kirk said. "Then myself, Rad, this narrator person, and five security guards will beam down to the planet." "No can do," McCoy said. "When Q transported our ship here, he didn't bring our security guards along. They're all floating in space back there, dead. A cleanup fleet has been dispatched." "Damn!" Kirk said. "Are we out of security men again already? We stocked up just two weeks ago! Never mind, just us three will go down." On the planet, in the middle of the shopping mall, the dimensional aperature writhed. Rad and I stood before it in awe, and turned to Kirk, who was loaded down with high tech explosives. "Good luck, gentlemen," Kirk said, as he sat the exposives down." "Same to you," I said. Rad and I then stepped through the aperature. Back on Gamma...er...IV, Kirk whipped out his communicator. "Ok, they're through," he said. "I'm ready to destroy the aperature Detonate, then energize." He paused for a moment, and pondered this. "No, wait!" he yelled. "Energize, *then* detonate!!" A powerful exp- losion rent the shopping mall and the dimensional aperature into oblivion In the transporter room, Kirk collapsed, having narrowly escaped death yet still again. WHERE WILL RAD AND I SHOW UP NEXT? HOW WILL JERRIPHRRT, SLITHIS, AND BENJEN REACT? WILL SCOTTY BE ABLE TO WHIP UP SOME MUSTARD? WILL GENE RODD--ER, Q APPEAR AGAIN IN THIS STORYLINE? WILL NIXON BE FORCED TO THAW OUT BARRY MANILOW? AND WHERE *ARE* THOSE HICKORY STICKS, BEN? ALL THIS AND A LACK OF BOVINE OWNERSHIP ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 15 Oct 1990 19:05:35 Subject: Rad 46: A Multiplicity of Dude-itude From: Is the Queen sane? <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD 46: "A Multiplicity of Dude-itude" by Gary W. Olson Rad opened his eyes and blinked. It looked like a typical suburban midwest type town. This came as a great relief to him, after facing the dangers of Gilligan's Island, Twin Peaks, and Star Trek. What could happen here? Wally Cleaver lecturing him on hair length? He looked around some more, and came to a startlingly perceptive realization. "Like, wait, dude," Rad said. "This here place, is, like, totally animated. Like, dude, where am I?" I stirred from where I lay upon the grass, still wearing a Starfleet uniform from the previous episode. Quickly, I converted it into an "I voted for Bill n' Opus" t-shirt and CMU shorts. Looking over at Rad, I noticed that he was, in fact, animated as well. The tan seemed especially deep in the coloring process of this feature. "Look at the sign, Rad," I said, wearily. "Hmmmm..." Rad said. "Springfield. Like, I don't get it. Where is Springfield? And why is it so cartoon-like?" I didn't have time to answer, as at that particular moment, a lad on a skateboard appeared almost out of nowhere, shouting "Cowabunga, dude!" He ran into Rad, bowling him over and down the hill. The lad was the first back up. "Hey, dude," he said. "Sorry bout that. You okay?" "Like, whoah, dude," Rad said, sitting up. "Like, que pasa, dude?" "Hey," the lad replied. "You talk pretty cool for an old guy. I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?" "Like, wow," Rad said. "I know, like, where I am now." "Score one for the genius," Waldo the mynah bird, Rad's companion on this inter-television journey, said. "Like, who's the dumb bird, dude?" Bart asked. "Waldo, dude," Rad replied. "Hey, like, are there any, like, dimen- sional rifts or something like that around here, little dude?" "Sure, man!" Bart added. "Follow me!" -------------------------------------------------------------- There was a house, deep in the back roads of the desert. It creaked, and groaned, and generally was in poor repair. Inside, lived an ex-telephone sanitizer. He had retired here after his fright several months ago, when it appeared as though a UAL jet was about to land upon him. Through the efforts of Rad (in episodes 3-4), the UAL jet was saved, but the telephone sanitizer was emotionally scarred for life. At least, that's what the court's believed when he sued his company for $8.6 million. He had won, of course, and retired here. It seemed the perfect place. It looked poor, so no one would come around trying to get his money. And it was quiet, the perfect place for him to write his doctoral thesis on telephone sanitizing. Or so it seemed. There was a low rumbling outside his window. He froze. He had heard that sound before, when it seemed like the jetliner was about to drop on top of him. Dashing outside, he searched the sky. It was clear and cloudless, without so much as a bird to be seen. So what was rumbling? Whatever it was, it was getting louder. He looked to the south, and gasped in horror. It was huge, and menacing. Dust storms churned behind it, and it was bearing straight down on him. The telephone sanitizer recognized it as a 1969 Lincoln Continental. The sunlight was reflecting so brightly that he could not see anyone inside. Presently, it occured to him that he should get out of it's way. But his feet were rooted to the floor. Above the horrible rumbling, he heard a clicking sound. Click...click...click...click... His mind screamed, as the sound interfered with whatever train of thought he tried to think of. The car was almost upon him. His last thought, as the car crushed him and his abode, was one of recognition: it was the left signal light of the car, left on by it's forgetful owner. Soon, the Lincoln reached a major highway. It swung westward, onto the pavement, covering all available lanes. The occupant inside cackled. She had been stuck on the back roads for far too long. The nation of Protestants had forgotten her. Well, she would remind them. Her 1969 Lincoln Continental cruised down the highway at a steady ten miles per hour, towards Los Angeles. Once again, there was a Nun on the Road. ------------------------------------------------------------ Rad, with Waldo on his shoulder, followed Bart into the video arcade. I followed him quietly. Bart led Rad to one of the larger video games, one with many screens, lights, and things. It was called, of course, "Dimensional Rift." "Well, er, dude..." Rad began. "I got the all-time high score, old timer," Bart said. "Try it at your own risk." "Oh, yeah?" Rad said, already forgetting his objective. "No one's better at this game than me." With that, he whipped out a roll of quarters from his tights. "Yer on, dude," Bart said. The next hour or so was simply incredible. Characters battled, planes bombed, damsels were distressed, dimensions rifted, quarters flowed, as Rad and Bart set multiple endurance and scoring records. A large crowd gathered around the machine, which was starting to smoke slightly. "Bart!" a loud voice called out from the doorway. Everyone froze. "I know you're in here, Bart! Don't make me come after you!" Things started to go haywire in the game, which quickly deteriorated. It finally flashed "game over." "Aw, mom," Bart said. "I was about to become the Grand Superior Wizard Champion of Death!" "That's nice, Bart," Marge Simpson said, her blue hair touching the ceiling of the establishment. "But you've got homework to do tonight." "Well, later man!" Bart called back to Rad. He and his mother quickly disappeared to another scene. Rad sighed. "Cheer up, dude," I said, strolling over to the game, where people were still milling about. "You'll get out of this one of these days." "Well, yah, I know that," Rad said. "It's just that the animators can't get my hair right. It keeps flopping down into my face." He puffed at his hair. It flew up a bit, and flopped down into his face. "Try the bowling alley," Waldo suggested. Rad perked up a bit. "Like, wow, bird," he exclaimed. "I almost forgot! Bowling alleys often serve as disguises for major dimensional and temporal nexuses! I'll, like, be home in no time!" With that, he flew out of the arcade. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Homer Simpson said "Ga-woooooo!" as the bowling ball slipped out of this fingers and onto his toe. He hopped around in obvious pain. "Like, dude," a voice behind him said. "Aren't you Homer?" Homer turned around and gazed at the spectacularly tan figure standing before him, wearing wrestling tights and with a mynah bird on his shoulder. "Say, I know you!" Homer said. "You're that actor on television, who plays that hero character, er, what's his name, Rad." Rad looked quite surprised. "I always thought that was makeup you wore." "Er, no, dude," Rad said, somewhat stunned and surprised. He was supposed to accuse others of being fictional characters, not *be* accused of being one himself. "Say, where's Barney?" "Barney who?" Homer asked. "Barney Rubble. You know, like, the guy who, like, lives next door to you?" "What? Why you little--" Homer prepared to strangle. Rad, thinking quickly, exclaimed "Free beer!" The entire bowling alley went silent for a second. Then, like a huge tidal wave, everyone in the bowling alley rushed into the bar, carrying Rad and myself with them. Fortunately being the narrational-type being that I am, I had large sums of cash on hand. Jobs like these don't really pay much, but I moonlight as the narrator on the "Wonder Years", so it all pretty much evens out. "So," Homer said to Rad, about an hour later, as the party moved back onto the bowling lanes. "What are the babes like in California?" Rad proceeded to describe them, using great sweeping arm motions and tantalyzing descriptions. At that point, the phone rang. "Hello?" the bartender said. "Hold on. Is there a Ralph Nouw here? Ralph Nouw!" "Ok," said one of the customers, and proceeded to do so on the floor. "Grrrr," the bartender said, turning back to the phone. "It's you again, isn't it. When I find out who you are, I'll...grrrr..." He hung up the phone again, and glared at Homer, who was silently giggling. ----------------------------------------------------------- Manny paced the floor anxiously while Glum flipped through the channels, searching for Rad. Chalandra watched Manny anxiously. "You're going to wear a hole in the carpet, you know," she suggested. Manny growled at her. Chalandra bared her fangs at him, and he subsequently stopped growling. All of a sudden, Glum started cheering. They all watched the television, amazed to see an animated version of Rad talking with Homer Simpson. "There he is!" Glum shouted. "But what's he doing?" They watched the screen. A large pencil had suddenly appeared in the frame and drawn a doorway. Rad was arguing with Homer and the narrator that he was finally having a good time and didn't want to leave. There was a knock at the door. Horace the Golden Dragon opened it. "Hello!" he said to the figures outside, who jumped at the sight of him. "Sorry about that, chaps. I keep forgetting how jumpy you Earthbeings are. Glum and Manny are inside. "Er, thanks," Eivandt Seconds said. Healer looked quietly confused, while Faith quietly Believed the Dragon. They walked inside, and Horace closed the door. "Eivandt!" Manny Seconds exclaimed. "Manny!" Eivandt Seconds exclaimed. "So this is your brother," Glum said. "I see the naming convention was carried on." She ignored Manny's sigh and hugged Faith and Healer. "Sorry we couldn't get back sooner," Elizabeth Tirkoff, aka Healer, said. "Faith believed he had gone to where cherry pies go when they die, and we had a dickens of a time getting around that." "Would someone like to put me in a corner and hang donuts from my ears?" Gary Shapiro, aka Faith asked. "Not now, Faith," Elizabeth groaned. "Where is Rad?" "He's right here on 'The Simpsons'...er...where'd he go?" "I believe he walked through that door that Matt Groening drew in," Chalandra replied. "Either that or Akbaar and Jeff pushed him through." "Phooey!" Glum pouted. "He never stays in one spot." She then recounted for Faith & Healer the story of how Rad came to be in the television dimension, and what had happened so far. "If what you say is true," Elizabeth said, "Then we must rescue him quickly, before his lifeforce becomes permanently adapted to television wavelengths. After that, bringing him out would kill him!" --------------------------------------------------------------- Rad and I materialized on a transporter pad, no longer animated. Nearby, Transporter Cheif O'Brien touched his communicator. "Security," he said. "Transporter room 28." WILL RAD EVER ESCAPE THIS TELEVISION HELL? WILL THINGS GET BETTER QUICKLY? WILL WE GET MORE AUTHORS FOR THIS SHINDIG? WHAT WILL THE NUN ON THE ROAD THINK OF CALIFORNIAN FREEWAYS? IS ANY FORESHADOWING ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE? WILL THE GALLANT SWASHBUCKLER COME TO THE RESCUE? HOW MANY R-B-T WORDS CAN YOU THINK OF? ALL THIS AND THE RAD GENERATION ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 18 Oct 1990 23:15:03 Subject: Rad 47: Star Trek: The Rad Generation From: Is the Queen sane? <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #47: "Star Trek: The Rad Generation" by Gary W. Olson "Security!" O'Brien snapped, hitting his communicator. "Sorry," a voice from the communicator replied. "You know the union rules. First you have to guarantee he won't kill us." "I can't do that!" O'Brien yelled. "He might be dangerous! What kind of security are you, anyway?" "Hey, bub," the voice from the communicator yelled back. "We got really pasted in the previous generation, and it's gonna take a long while for us to build our numbers back up." "What's that I hear in the background?" O'Brien said. "Our breeding program," the voice said. "Later!" "Like, dude," Rad said, bounding off the transporter pad. "Why don't you, like, just take me to the bridge?" "Looks like I'll have to," O'Brien replied. "Come on." We arrived at the bridge moments later. Rad looked around the bridge in amazement. It was much, much bigger than the one in the previous generation. Some guy with a beard stepped out of the hot tub, wearing a Starfleet Commander's uniform. I politely dressed myself in civilian clothing, not wanting them to think I was Q. "Is that Q?" Wesley Crusher asked. "No, Wesley," Data answered. "Q looks almost exactly like 20th century actor John DeLancie." "Who are you, and why are you here?" Riker asked, his beard growing at an almost exponential rate. "Like, I'm Rad, dude," Rad said. "And this, like, is the narrating dude." "The who?" Worf asked. "No," I replied. "I have nothing to do with the Who. I'm Rad's narrator. Normally, I'm not on the physical plane, like so." I disappeared breifly, then reappeared. "But since I've entered this fictional reality, I can pop up from time to time." "Intriguing," Data said. "Do you experience the Moebius Narrational Loop?" "Sure do," I replied. "And Rad over here," Waldo replied. "Is loopy as well." "Like, bird," Rad replied. "I wonder what roast mynah bird tastes like?" "Yukky," Waldo replied. "Trust me on that one." "You still haven't answered me," Riker said, his chest almost entirely obscured with his beard. "Why are you here?" "Well, my mom, like, met my dad, and they, well..." "No, no, no..." Riker said. "Why are you *here*?" "He's an accidental dimensional traveler," I replied, cutting Rad off. "He's trying to find a way to his home dimension. So far, he hasn't had much luck." "What about you?" Wesley asked. I glared at him. "I'm a pan- dimensional narrational entity. It doesn't matter which dimension I'm in." The ship was suddenly rocked with explosions. Picard rushed in. "What the devil is going on here, number one?" he shouted. "Borg ships are attacking, sir," Wesley replied. "Who asked you?" everyone on the bridge and in the audience shouted in unison. Riker turned to Picard and said "Borg ships are attacking, sir." "Quick!" Picard shouted. "Go to muave alert!" "Like, muave alert, dude?" Rad asked. "Who the devil are you?" Picard shouted. "I, like, asked first, dude," Rad replied. I sighed. The ship was rocked with explosions again. One of the light bulbs in the bridge blew. Jean-Luc Picard disappeared in the transport beam of the Borg. "Conference!" Riker shouted. Everyone flooded into the conference room. Worf brought in the remains of the light bulb. Rad and I, not really having much to do, followed. "Now," Riker said. "What are we going to do?" "I feel..." Deanna moaned. "Great pain...coming from the light bulb." "I wonder..." Data said. "Is this what I will become, when I die?" "I could build a hypermodulating oscillating fillibrating doubletalk device using nanites and a large quantity of bubblegum that would generate the illusion of light!" Wesley said annoyingly. "That wouldn't work," Geordi replied. "The transnobal hammonrye recidivizing circuits would go into katzenjammer overload." "What we need, gentlemen, are results!" Riker shouted. "I've got it!" Geordi said. "I'll design banana clip visors for everyone so we don't *need* light! And we'll look cool, too." "Like, dude," Rad suggested. "Why don't you, like, get another bulb?" "What do you think this is?" Dr. Beverly Crusher said. "The twentieth century? Things aren't that simple anymore! We teach calculus to preschoolers! Everyone here can quote Shakespeare at relevant points in the plot! We have to make up jargon on a moments notice!" "You should listen to the tanned one," a voice said. With a flash of light, Q showed up. "Go back to the twentieth century!" "Q!" Riker shouted. "Q!" Deanna shouted. "Gene Roddenberry!" Rad, Waldo and I shouted. "For the last time, I'm not Gene Roddenberry!" Gene Rodd--er, Q, said. "He decreed that ships couldn't go faster than warp 10," Waldo cackled. "You mean he's the one who constantly screws up the continuity?" Riker shouted, almost buried in a mountain of beard at the time. "Bird," Q said. "You don't belong here." With that, Waldo disappeared. "Hey, like, what did you do, like, to Waldo?" Rad demanded. "I just sent him back to Twin Peaks, where he belongs," Q said, smirking. At that particular moment, Picard materialized in the conference room. "Oh my God!" Beverly said. "He's metallic!" Geordi said. "He's wired in to the Borg consciousness!" Deanna said. "Like, he's Robbie the Robot, dude!" Rad said. "Haven't you guys, like, seen those films?" I had to agree, Picard, or what was Picard, looked awfully like the robot from Lost In Space. "Resistance is irrelevant!" RoboPicard shouted. "Preparation is irrelevant! Relevance is irrelevant! Danger! Danger, Will Robinson!" "Take him to sickbay!" Riker said. "Can't," Crusher said. "Sickbay's jammed, and Dr. Pulaski thinks she's a lawyer again." "Take him to the holodeck!" Geordi suggested. "Perhaps we could fool him into showing us how to take over the Borg ship." "I am sorry, Geordi," Data said. "But the holodeck is malfunctioning again. Apparantly it is spontaneously generating voluptuous redheads who, in theory, would do anything for you, although my experiments have lead me to believe they are mostly concerned with acts of leisure." "Why hasn't this been fixed before?" Riker demanded. I caught Rad's arm before he could go to the holodeck. "Well," Geordi said, shifting uncomfortably. "We still have to do a lot of tests to see...er...just how deeply the malfunction...uh... has penetrated our core systems. We have to do a lot more...er...probing." "Q!" Riker shouted. "End this!" "Alright," Q said. "If you insist." With that, he snapped his fingers. The borg ships disappeared, Robbie the Robot disappeared and was replaced by Picard. "No, no, no!" Riker shouted. "The light bulb!" "Geez," Q said. "Can't you humans take a joke?" He snapped his fingers again and the light bulb became whole. Everyone rushed back onto the Bridge. "Mr. Crusher!" Picard said to Wesley. "Prepare to screw bulb!" "Bulb is in place, Captain," Wesley reported. "Commence screwing," Picard commanded. Within seconds, the light bulb was screwed, and the Bridge was once again fully lighted. Everyone sighed with relief, glad that that weeks danger was now over. "Now," Picard said to Rad and I. "What am I to do with you two?" "Er," Rad said. "Like, take us to, like, the holodeck?" Rad looked over to Geordi, Riker, Worf, and Wesley, all of whom were making "sssh!" movements of various kinds with their hands. "Er, uh, on second thought, I, like, don't want to, like, go to the holodeck. Like, nothing, like, happening there, like, nope, nothing at all..." "Good!" Picard said. "Damn thing always malfunctions anyways." --------------------------------------------------------------- "The episode's almost over!" Glum shouted. "Can't you get him out of there?" "We have to wait until he gets a natural exit," Elizabeth replied. "Otherwise, the plot will be so thoroughly disrupted it could ruin the entire television season. It may turn out that the Borg killed Laura Palmer!" Faith silently Believed, waiting for Healer's mental signal. Manny and Eivandt paced furiously back and forth, while Chalandra chugged another bag of O-positive blood. Manny was continually distracted by the way that Chalandra looked at him. 'She's tanked,' he thought. 'That's the blood of Norm from Cheers.' ---------------------------------------------------------------- "Well, I'm tired of constantly barging into you all the time," Q said. "So howabout I just send you back to your home dimension?" "Like, that'll work, dude," Rad replied. I nodded. Moments later, Rad disappeared in a flash of light. I blipped out of the material world. "Well, mon capitan," Q sneered. "Looks like you have won this round. But I'll be back!" "Of course you'll be back!" Wesley said. "You're Gene Roddenberry!" "I'm not Gene Roddenberry!" Q shouted. "Arrrgh..." With that, he blipped out of the Bridge. Picard smiled and did his best "Mr. Clean" impersonation. Everyone laughed. -------------------------------------------------------------- Everything happened at once. Rad seemed to leap out of the television screen, landing in a heap on the well-carpeted floor. He lay there for a second, looking around surreptitiously. Then everyone seemed to close in around him, lifting him up, hugging him, welcoming him back. Manny was there, and his brother Eivandt, and Faith, and Healer, and Chalandra Harkness, and some golden dragon, and Max Vax, and Laura Laffalot...and Glum. "Darling," she said. "I...I was so afraid..." "Ssssssh..." Rad replied, kissing her gently. "Wow!" Manny enthused, still pacing back and forth. "Just think of the story we'll be able to tell the press! Rad goes where no incredibly tanned beach dude has gone before! Just think! Book tours! Movie rights!" "A broadway musical!" Eivandt added. "An opera!" "Don't be silly," Max Vax said. "They'd no more make an opera out of this than out of Star Trek." Everyone pondered this for a moment then simultaneously said "naaaaah." "Well, I propose a toast," Horace the Dragon said. "Here's to -- say...where is Rad, anyways? And Glum, for that matter?" Everyone looked around. There was the clicking of a bedroom door. "Hey!" Manny shouted. "There was a bag of groceries on the table! Where'd it go?" No one particularly felt they had to answer that one. Tipper Gore called and slammed the door over the phone. Apparantly she was busy, what with Burt Ward looking at holy bazookas and all, but didn't want the gang in California to feel she had forgotten them. The evening progressed, and there was much general merriment. Chalandra leered at Manny and said, "You know, for a mortal you ain't that bad." Manny started to lean forward, his lips puckered. They met a fish, that Chalandra had taken from the aquarium in front of the bar. "Don't take that the wrong way," she added, smiling. Manny sighed and looked at Eivandt. Eivandt shrugged. The merri- ment continued. HOW FAR AWAY IS THE NUN ON THE ROAD? WILL RIKER TRIM HIS BEARD? WILL RAD AND GLUM PAY BACK MANNY FOR HIS GROCERIES? WILL THEY EVER FIX THAT DAMN HOLODECK? WILL THEY WANT TO? ARE THESE SHARKS PATHETIC OR WHAT? WILL DISCO RETURN? ALL THIS AND FORESHADOWING APLENTY ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 21 Oct 1990 19:20:58 Subject: Rad 48: Meanwhile... From: Is the Queen sane? <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #48: "Meanwhile..." by Gary W. Olson The Nun on the Road noticed that the traffic seemed to be getting a bit thicker behind her, even though it was only two o'clock in the morning. The Nun, or Sister Mary Ellen Hatchetnose, as she was known to few, was a very, very bitter nun. Long ago, she had thrown down the gauntlet to Martin Luther, telling him it was either her or the reformation. The last she saw of him was when he left to nail his proclamation to the church door. She came to blame the Protestants for this. So she set out in her 1969 Lincoln Continental, wreaking havoc upon the nation she believed to be founded and occupied entirely by Protestants. Along the way she encountered Dangerousman, who's atomic blasts could not stop her, and several celebrated structures, which she unwittingly destroyed. She encountered the fifty foot giant known as Mike Polinski, who believed her to be his mother. And she nearly ran over Wonder Grunion. Soon after that, she became lost in the back roads, somewhere in Nebraska. Soon, the wooded back roads became desert back roads, and then mountain back roads. The only pleasing aspect about being on those back roads was that she got to squash John Denver on one of them. Now she approached the city of the angels, or so it was called. She smiled a bitter, bitter smile, and decided to be a little daring. Her speed increased to 10.1 miles per hour for four seconds, then settled back to 10. With that year's excitement over, she proceeded to Los Angeles, still unaware that she had left her left turn signal on. ------------------------------------------------------------ "Well, have a safe trip to San Francisco, Chal," Manny said as she climbed onto the back of the golden dragon called Horace. "Thanks, Manny," Chalandra smiled. It was only 2 a.m, but she wanted to get some work done before the sun rose and she had to go to her coffin. "Call me sometime, okay?" With that, she was off. Max Vax and Laura Laffalot had gone back to their beach house that they were renting from Rad. They had surprised everyone by announcing that they would be getting married. This, on top of the news that Rad had been rescued from the television dimension (they got rid of the last of the news crews around 1 am), made everyone's night. Gary Shapiro (Faith), Elizabeth Tirkoff (Healer), and his brother Eivandt Seconds were still there though. Liz had fallen asleep on one of the spectacularly fluffy couches. Gary and Eivandt were involved in an in-depth discussion of the future of Ridiculous-class Wrestling. Manny, an expert on that particular subject, was about to join in, when he noticed an envelope on one of the tables. Apparantly, in all the excitement, it had been overlooked. "What's that, Manny?" Eivandt asked. "It's an envelope," Manny replied. "'Joseph' is written on the cover." "Joseph?" Eivandt said. "That's Rad's real name. What's it say?" "Now, brother," Manny said. "Would I read someone else's mail?" Eivandt just looked at him. "Oh yeah. Of course I would. Never mind." Manny didn't have to break the seal - the flap of the envelope was simply tucked in. Manny pulled out a small sheet, which had only a few words. "'The Howells are not what they seem.'" Manny read from the note. "Huh?" Eivandt replied. "That's all it says," Manny said. "Who's it from?" "Oh, er, let's see...ah, doesn't say. Just a capital K, circled." "Huhn," Eivandt said. "Weird." "Yeah," Manny said, putting the note back in the envelope and tucking in the flap. He tossed the envelope back onto the table, not noticing that it overshot and fell behind the table, with only an edge barely sticking out. They returned to the wrestling topic of discussion, not remembering that Faith had heard what the letter said, and that Faith Believed whatever he heard. ------------------------------------------------------------ Willard Scott, whom, for those who were unaware, is Rad's biological (not adoptive) father, worked in the garden in the Gothopolis Psychiatric Dairies, growing vegetables. He had been gradually easing back into his job at the Today Show, but Bryant Gumbel continued to give him a hard time. Eric Idle, who ran the Dairies, came out to talk to him. "Ah, hello, Mr. Scott," Eric said. "What an absolutely regal day!" "It sure is," Scott replied. "I--" His voice trailed off. "Mr. Scott?" Eric asked, concerned. "I...remember," Willard replied. "I remember!" "Very good, Mr. Scott," Eric said. "What do you remember?" "No time!" Willard shouted. "We must be going to England!" "We?" "Yes!" Willard said, already dragging Eric along with him. Eric sighed. ------------------------------------------------------------ "That no good, cheating, theiving, rotten man!" screamed what you wouldn't exactly call a delicate voice. In fact, the voice was as rough and bitter as the woman herself. Some pieces of StormUndDrangTroopers went flying. A cleaning squad scurried in, removed them, and scurried out. The woman, who was dressed in long flowing black robes that blended with her long, flowing black hair, kicked a repair robot. "He steals all my savings, buys himself a Death Star, then has to go and get himself killed!" she ranted. "No one -- NO ONE -- does that to Dana Wader, the most totally evil woman in the galaxy!" She chopped up a few more lackeys, then settled down a bit. Perhaps she could not take her revenge on her dead husband, Dark Wader (whom, unknown to her, was indeed alive), but she could take revenge on the person who defeated him, the Ottsamaddawidu Empire's hero, Galaxy Hunter? And what better way to take revenge than to destroy the Empire he swore loyalty to? And a few adjacent Empires as well -- you don't get to be the most totally evil woman in the galaxy by thinking small. Linking with the AI on her ship, she reviewed the intelligence files for the best agents of destruction in the galaxy. The top one, Gorgax, had been captured, of course, and for various reasons, she discounted others. Until she came upon a very peculiar one. Having made her decision, she programmed a hunter droid to retrieve this individual for her. The droid dematerialized from the transport beam, and Dana Wader laughed evilly. ------------------------------------------------------------ Chalandra and Horace arrived at the two-story building they called home. They shared it with another business, Norm's Rent-a-Tarp. They entered through the office door of Chalandra's business, "The Harkness Detective Agency" (whose slogan was, "Harkness is a Sure Bat"). There was a large package sitting in the reception room. "Odd," Horace said. "What could it be?" "Here," Chalandra replied. "'Just wanted you to know, no hard feelings about the Cube. Your friend, Phil Donahue.'" "Isn't that nice," Horace said, folding his golden wings back down. "It's not every day a villain is so forgiving." "I don't know, Horace," Chalandra replied. "What are those holes?" "Look like air holes," Horace said. "Might be something alive in there." "Well, I'm going to take a look," Chalandra said. "I'll stand ready," Horace replied. Chalandra went outside and borrowed a crow's bar from a passing crow. She then went to work prying one of the sides off. Finally, it slammed open. The crow took it's crowbar and left. Chalandra and Horace peered inside. "Could you put that back up?" one of the two Robert Smiths inside the large box said. "This is really depressing," the other said. "We'd just like to stay in here and be depressed," the first said. Chalandra sank to the ground, shaking her head. Phil had gotten his revenge, and it was even more horrible than she'd thought it would be. ------------------------------------------------------------ Jerriphrrt, Slithis, and Benjen gathered around the screen, as the Emperor Ianonuthink, ruler of the Ottsamaddawidu Empire, spoke to them. "You shall be richly rewarded for finding my niece, the Princess Glum, whom I had feared dead," Ianonuthink continued. "Land, riches, and wealth beyond the dreams of avarice is yours..." "Wow!" Benjen said. "Didja hear that? We're gonna be expletively rich!" "...provided, of course, that you successfully bring Glum back to the Imperial Capitol. Failing that, you will be killed on sight." "Did'ja hear that?" Slithis asked. "We're gonna--HEY! Did he just say--?" "Yes, he did," Jerriphrrt said, his tail suddenly drooping. "All of our forces are committed, either in war against the Heyustarddedit Federation, the Dalan Empire, or the Muuuahahahah Empire. Moreover, Galaxy Hunter is on another mission, and cannot be reached. Therefore, you are our only hope. So find her, or glxxxch!" Ianonuthink slid his finger across his throat to emphasize his point. The transmission faded there, leaving only a blank screen. "Gee, Jerry," Benjen said. "What do we do now?" "Quiet, I'm thinking," Jerriphrrt growled. "You are?" Slithis asked. "Can I watch?" Jerriphrrt responded by grasping Slithis and Benjen by their ears (or, on Slithis, by the ear-hole), and bonked their heads together. "Wise guys!" he said, his tail waiving fiercely. "Now, it looks to me like we only have one choice -- go to Earth and abduct the lady Glum." "Can I go to the bathroom first?" Benjen asked. Jerriphrrt sighed. ----------------------------------------------------------------- In the heart of Los Angeles, Dr. Sleaze smiled as he looked over the figures again. The heros of the Superguy discussion had absolutely forgotten his marketing of Choke Cola, which was filled to the hilt with Powerful, Mind-Altering Drugs (tm). Even though, somehow, Superguy had rescued Andy the coffeeburro (whose blood Dr. Sleaze was using to make the cola) and returned him to Juan Valdez, Sleaze had taken enough to synthesize Choke, allowing him to market it to the entire country. The figures showed now that four people out of five had consumed at least some Choke Cola, and three out of five had consumed a significant amount to allow him to move on to the next phase of his plan -- trigger- ing the obedience response. The triggering chemical, was, in fact, the cola of a rival cola company, called Rival Cola, mixed with large quantities of water, iron, rust, dirt, and phosphorous -- in other words, mixed with ordinary tap water. The only problem facing him was how to get large enough amounts of Rival Cola into the water supply to set off a chain reaction. He estimated that it was necessary to soak southern california at least. Then, his followers could dump Rival Cola into water supplies in other areas of the country. It was the voice of the local news that gave him the idea he needed. "Even though it is only two o'clock in the morning, traffic on the Ventura freeway is backed up into the next county," the newscaster said. "What was most feared by the country has come to pass - the Nun on the Road has returned." Dr. Sleaze watched the television screen for a few seconds, then laughed a long and evil laugh. ------------------------------------------------------------ The Electric Warrior, or the being that had been the Electric Warrior, looked up from his hospital bed. He overheard a couple of doctors remarking about his phenomenal healing rate. Try as he might, the last he could remember was being in Akron, thinking for a moment he had seen the Princess Glum, whom the Empire had sent him looking for, had flown overhead. Then, he had been forced to take cover while a horde of George Bushes swarmed over the landscape. Next, there had been a great tan and -- he could remember nothing after that. He had vague impressions of his bioelectric field going out of control, and of joining the pro wrestling circuit, and -- and of seeing Glum again. She was alive, he thought to himself. She was here on Earth. And it was his job to bring her back. No one stopped him from sneaking out of the hospital, wearing only his hospital cap and gown. No one could have, even if they'd known. He was Welsian Lo, the top man in the Imperial Missing Persons Bureau. And he had a job to do. WILL DR. SLEAZE TAKE OVER THE NATION? WILL THE NUN ON THE ROAD LEAVE A NATION TO TAKE OVER? WHO IS DANA WADER PLANNING TO KIDNAP? WHAT IS WILLARD SCOTT PLANNING? WHAT ARE THE HOWELLS, ACTUALLY? WILL CHALANDRA BECOME AS DEPRESSED AS THE ROBERT SMITHS? ALL THIS AND THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF AN AUTHOR ON ... SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 27 Oct 1990 17:50:25 Subject: Rad 49, part 1: Wheelin' an' Dealin' From: Ritual de lo Habitual <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #49 part 1: "Wheelin' an' Dealin'" by Gary W. Olson The sun rose that morning in the same fashion it did virtually every other morning over California - in an upwards direction. It looked to be a hot day, best spent swimming in the ocean or working on your tan. For Rad, it was quite close to nirvana. The master of tanning was lying on a large, tiger-striped beach towel in the middle of one of Los Angeles' most popular beaches. His tan magnitude - already a whopping twenty (the average is .8), was inching towards twenty-one. It was difficult to tell which was reflecting more sunlight - his reflective sunglasses or his immaculate teeth. His swimsuit had about as much material as a Milli Vanilli album. Sitting next to him, Glum was idly reading "War and Peace." By that, I mean she read the entire book in about the time it would take you to read a directory of honest politicians. As usual, she wore her tiger-skin bikini, which, at least on this beach, was slightly conservative. It was too bad that Faith and Healer (and Eivandt) had to return to Washington so quickly -- they would have liked today. At that particular moment, they were watching an impromptu weight- lifting contest, staged between two highly unlikely opponents - Manny Seconds, Rad's most excellent assistant extrordinaire, and a Japanese man, wearing what appeared to be a Starfleet logo on his swim trunks. They had quickly progressed past the regular weights, and were now trying to lift things that would give Lou Ferrigno a hernia. The Japanese guy, whom Rad overheard being called "Sulu", was straining to lift a particularly massive weight. Finally, with the assistance of someone Rad heard being called "Chakoff," Sulu lifted the weight. "We did it, babes!" Sulu exclaimed. "Where's the wodka?" Chakoff said. "I want to celebrate!" "Not so fast," Manny said. Two incredibly muscle-bound dudes put more weights on the end, making it look not so much like a barbell but the suspension system for a Mac Truck. Manny bent down and tried to lift it. Every vein and artery in his face and neck showed in stark relief as he strained with the incredibly heavy weights. Chakoff and Sulu were rolling in the sand laughing. Rad smiled and concentrated. Manny, already straining, noticed something odd: the weights were getting lighter. And lighter. And the laughter had stopped. He opened his eyes and looked up, to see his hands holding the weights far overhead. He wished he could remove one of them to mop the sweat from his forehead. "So girls?" he said with a grin. "What do you say now?" "Impressive," said a particularly hot looking woman in a particularly interesting french-cut bikini. "But you're all sweaty! Ick!" As Manny stared in stunned disbelief, the women all crowded around Chakoff and Sulu as they walked off. Manny let go of the weight (failing to notice how it gently drifted to the sand) and stormed over to where Rad and Glum were. "Did you see that?" he demanded. "Did *you* see *that*?" Rad and Glum commented that they indeed had. "I don't believe it. They can't do that to me. I'm a major supporting character! They're on hiatus!" "Like, where are you, like, going, dude?" Rad asked. "To make sure they know it!" Manny declared as he stormed off after them. Rad sighed and closed his eyes again, only to have them zapped open by Glum. "Shouldn't you go after him, darling?" she asked. "Like, why?" Rad replied. "He can, like, take care of, like, himself." "That's what you said in July, darling," Glum replied. "It took us a week to untie Manny from the human pretzel they tied him into." "Like, point taken, babe," Rad said. "That would, like, be a most heinous occurance. I shall, like, go unto the, like, persons, and, like, perplex them with my, like, pontificatious perusings." "Hurry back, darling," Glum called. "Don't call me darling," Rad called back. "Yes, darling," Glum said innocently. Rad sighed. -------------------------------------------------------------- Several had noticed that the beach seemed a bit less crowded than usual. There were a number of theories regarding this, but most if not all of them involved Sam Donaldson and a camera crew on steroids. The real reason was a massive traffic jam on the Ventura freeway. In fact, it was the worst traffic jam in the history of the freeway, and that was saying something. At the head of the pack, moving at a leisurely ten miles per hour, was the Nun on the Road, driving her 1969 Lincoln Continental. Drivers could not find a way around her car - it took up all avail- able lanes of the highway. When the highway expanded, the car expanded, usually crushing whatever cars attempted to squeeze past. The Nun cackled whenever this happened. Strange things were happening behind her car, though. For the last ten to fifteen miles, the tail end of her car had been bombarded with small arms fire, hand grenades, and the occasional STINGER missile. It hadn't done any damage, of course, but Sister Mary Ellen Hatchetnose worried that the paint might chip. At first she had thought it was one of those National Guard units attacking her. Then she realized that she was in California, and that in California, especially southern California, the average driver was more heavily armed than the average commando unit. More odd things were happening behind her car. The drivers who had been at the front drove into ditches or off of tall bridges, seemingly of their own volition. This had a far simpler explaination, though: she had left her left turn signal on, and it was slowly driving the drivers behind her maddeningly insane. The Nun smiled bitterly and continued to drive. In the distance, she could see the city of the angels, glowing in the sun. --------------------------------------------------------------- The Really-Really-Tough-to-Get-Out-of-Place in Washington D.C. was quiet that evening, with only the occasional guard walking by to break the silence. Ralph Nader (aka The Skeptic) sat in his cell with his psychic anchor Mishak Thaddius, who insisted on being called "Thavius." In the next cell was Quaker Oatmeal Guy and The Wind, still morning the death of their comrade in geriatrics, Ms. Coffee. Further on down were the various members of the Dead Poets Society. Across the hall, Virginia (formerly Virgil) McDonald (aka "Harvey Wallbanger") sat with corks in her ears, so that she would not have to listen to the person she shared a cell with - a man wearing loads of dark robes and an oversized sun hat, looking back and forth furtively. "For heaven's sake," Nader said. "What are you looking for, Paranoia?" "The CIA, I think," Paranoia said. "They're out to get me!" "Well, don't bother looking," Thavius said. "They got you." "Well, someone's out to get me!" Paranoia wailed. "I know it!" Tonight, to Paranoia's great surprise, he was right. A hunter droid materialized in his cell, and stared straight at him. Paranoia fled to the corner of the cell and tried to use his power of paranoia-inducing on the droid, but it didn't work - droids have little to be paranoid about. Wordlessly, the hunter droid advanced. Paranoia shrieked for help, but the guards, having heard variants on it before, ignored it. The droid grasped Paranoia around the neck and hoisted him. With his other arm he pushed a button. The droid dematerialized as quickly as he had materialized, taking Paranoia with him. Everyone else cheered. -------------------------------------------------------------- Dr. Sleaze laughed softly as he watched the Nun on the Road's progress down the Ventura freeway. Soon she would be entering Los Angeles. All he had to do was manipulate her to the other side of the city, where the manufacturing plant of Rival Cola was located. "Phase one," he said into a communicator. A thug said, "yessir!" and cut off communication. Sleaze laughed maniacally, and had another cup of coffee. Soon, the nation, perhaps the world, would be his. Then...he would go to DisneyWorld. STAY TUNED FOR PART TWO, UPCOMING ON...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 27 Oct 1990 18:51:17 Subject: Rad 49, part 2: Wheelin' an' Dealin' From: Ritual de lo Habitual <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #49, part 2: "Wheelin' an' Dealin'" by Gary W. Olson Rad caught up to Manny to find him engaged in a titanic--thumb- wrestling match?! "Hey, I'm just as surprised as you are, dude," Rad said. Manny was thumb-wrestling against Chakoff. Neither side was having much luck, do to the large amount of wodka being ingested. Behind them, Rad noticed a large group of voluptuous beauties, many of them with red hair and very tanned skin. They were surrounding a guy in a beach chair of sorts. He was about 5'11" and thin, with brown-blonde hair that reached his shoulders, and wore knee-length shorts and a long sleeve shirt unbuttoned with the sleeves rolled up. He glanced around furtively, whipped out a hair spray can, spritzed his hair, and hid the can again. He returned to scowling at the computer screen situated on a small table next to his chair. "Ok!" he declared. "I'm going to get this episode written!" A furious look of concentration appeared on his face, and he wrote a paragraph. He was interrupted by a hand across his chest and a chin on his shoulder. The moment of concentration passed; he smiled and said "Yes, hon?" The attractive woman, who looked a lot like Winona Ryder, whispered in the guy's ear for a sec. The guy raised an eyebrow, making it look as though he was pondering the very fabric and meaning of the universe. Finally, he said "Strawberry." The woman smiled and started walking over to a nearby tofu hut. "Hey, dude, was that--" Rad said. "Winona Ryder," the guy said. "At least, as far as you know. You must be Rad." "Like, huh?" Rad replied. "Oh, sorry, I forgot to introduce myself," the guy said. "I'm Evan Pongress, the author of the Annihilator." "The who?" Rad replied. "No, the Annihilator," Evan said. "Don't you read Superguy digest?" "Read?" Rad replied. "Never mind," Evan said. "I'm also the producer of the Burt Ward show. Have you see that?" "Like, is *that* who that was?" Rad said. "I, like, almost choked, on, like, a froot loop while, like, he was reading that, like, poem." The stimulating conversation was interrupted suddenly and without warning as a guy with a surfboard and a puppet on his hand appeared on the scene. Following him was an older guy with binoculars. "Well, Splock," the guy said to his hand puppet. "We really showed those beach bums how to hang ten, eh?" "Indeed we did, Jimbo," Splock seemed to reply. "Can I have some tofu?" "Dammit, Jimbo T. Quirk!" the older guy said. "If you're so good a surfer, why didn't you try *standing* on the board?" "You know, Splock," Quirk said, "I don't think Boner appreciates the subtle skills that go into my technique." "Indeed, Captain," Splock seemed to say. "Brilliantly incisive." "Dammit, Jimbo," Boner McFly replied. "Will you *stop* that puppet talk?" "You seem to have been out in the sun too long, Doctor," Splock seemed to say. "Needless to say, with advanced age comes senility..." McFly fumed and fussed a bit, and ended up kicking over a sand castle which basically got him pelted with mud pies. Quirk looked over at Evan. "So," Quirk said. "Have you finished our story yet?" "Er, no," Evan said. "I'm still working on the latest Annihilator ep." "You're *always* working on the latest Annihilator episode, Evan," Splock seemed to whine. "Even that Ward weasel gets a few bit pieces here and there." "Dammit, Quirk," Evan said. "Will you stop making that puppet talk?" "Well, he does have a point," Quirk said. Splock seemed to frown. "I would have written it by now," Evan replied. "But writing is such a grind! You wouldn't believe how much effort I put into -- oh, thanks Samantha, just rub that tanning lotion on my shoulders -- writing each episode. I mean, just look at all I have to put up with!" Rad looked around and saw lots of sun, ocean, tanned bodies, and beer. Truly, Evan had it rough here. Rad brushed back a tear of sympathy. Quirk looked around, and flipped on a nearby conveniently placed boom box. The sounds of "Groove is in the Heart" by Dee-lite filled the area. Quirk danced the lambada with Splock. Almost immediately, the song was interrupted, and a newscaster's voice replaced it. "It is official now -- the Nun on the Road has entere Los Angeles. All residents are advised to stay indoors, unless of course the Nun is heading towards them, in which case they should flee. The Nun was last seen heading towards this radio station. We will bring you -- " (crash) "What was--aaaaaiiiiigh!!" (rumblerumblecracklecrackle szzzizzzzziiiclickclickclickclickclickclisszzzlissscrackle...) "Like, uh oh," Rad said. "A most bogus evilie has entered the realm of all that is, like, truly most Californian. I most confront this totally heinous menace at once." With that, Rad took off into the air. Evan pondered this silently, then returned to attempting to write. Off in the distance, he heard Quirk say "Hey, look! I've found a big black metal underwater football, with unusual spikes protruding in all directions!" Evan smiled. -------------------------------------------------------------- Jerriphrrt snarled at the controls of the spaceship, which, while having been built to move with the greatest of ease in vacuum and in atmosphere, nevertheless persisted in being sluggish. It occured to him that the shape of the ship, which resembled a donut (not the glazed kind), could be contributing to the problems with the atmosphere, but then dismissed that as a concern. The ship had been built in accordance with government regulations, after all. "Jerri!" Benjen called from the engineering/dining room. The aft thrusters aren't thrusting, the warp drives aren't driving, and we've accidently ejected the beer!" "You ejected the beer?!?" Jerriphrrt exclaimed. "He did it," Benjen said, pointing at Slithis. Slithis hit Benjen with a mallet. "Well, never mind that," Jerriphrrt said, strapping himself to his chair. "We're about to --" There was a loud collision sound and lots of shaking. "--crash land." He grunted and released the straps on his chair, letting the chair fall to the floor, then peeling himself from the ceiling. Next time, he thought, don't forget to fasten the seat to the floor. "That was fun, boss," Slithis said, walking into the room. "Never mind that," Jerriphrrt said. "We've arrived near our destinat- ion. Get your stuff and let's get going." They exited the ship, to find themselves on top of an abandoned donut shop. "Good," said Benjen. "The natives will think it was a promotion." Slithis bopped him one. "Never mind that," Jerriphrrt said, looking at a cybermap of the city he was holding in front of him with his tail. "According to that Wrestling show, the lady Glum and that Rad guy hang out on beaches, which, on this planet, consist of sand. We should just go west, and we'll hit a beach sooner or later..." HOW WILL RAD FARE AGAINST NUN ON THE ROAD? WILL DR. SLEAZE SUCCEED? WHY WOULD ANYONE ACTUALLY *WANT* PARANOIA? WAS THAT REALLY WINONA RYDER, OR WAS EVAN JUST MAKING THAT BIT UP? WILL WE ALL EVENTUALLY HAVE TO FACE THE WRITING OBSTACLES EVAN FACES? CAN WE HOPE? WILL JERRIPHRRT, SLITHIS AND BENJEN FIND A BEACH? ALL THIS AND OH DEAR! I THINK IT BURST ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 01 Nov 1990 00:52:33 Subject: Rad 50: She Drives Like Crazy From: Ritual de lo Habitual <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #50: "She Drives Me Crazy" by Gary W. Olson In the Imperial Palace of the Ottsamaddawidu Empire (located on Planet Hottentot - towards the center of the galaxy...no, over to the left a bit...), Richard Nixon's cheif henchman waddled up to the door to the secret room. "Boss!" Herb Villachez called into the secret room. "Boss! There is a Mr. Liddy here to see you..." From within the secret room, there was a harrrumphing, the sound of a flushing toilet, and footsteps. Richard Nixon stepped out of the secret room, dismissing Herb with a gesture. Herb replied, "That wasn't a nice gesture, boss," and quickly waddled off. "So, Gordon ol' pal," Nixon said, shaking hands with his old fellow conspirator. "What's the news on Galaxy Hunter?" "Not good," Liddy replied. "He solved the scam quicker than he should've...I think he suspects it was a phony threat." "Damn," Nixon said. "Things are happening too quickly. Hunter's coming back in, Iano's blasted daughter turns up alive...and now this!" Nixon waved a parchment in Liddy's face. "Do you know what this is?" "Er...a parchment?" "No!" Nixon shouted. "Well, yes! Er...it's from Dana Wader." "No kiddin," Liddy said. "She find out about us having her hubby on ice?" "No...she wishes to end all war in this galaxy!" "Excuse me?" Liddy said. "Is this the same woman who annihilated an entire star system because one of their burger joints wouldn't let her have it her way?" Nixon nodded. "So why's the most totally evil woman in the galaxy declaring peace?" "Don't know, Gordon," Nixon replied. "I'm as sure as a dog in an electrolysis clinic she's up to no good. But..." Gordon smiled - he had seen that look on his boss' face before. "...perhaps we can turn this to our advantage. Perhaps we can turn this whole situation to our advantage! Hunter, Glum...all of this working to preserve the current state of the galaxy!" Gordon and Nixon smiled again and shared expository thoughts on the current state of the galaxy. The Ottsamaddawidu Empire was involved in low-level warfare with three other states - the Heyustarddedit Federation, the Dalan Empire, and the Muuuahahahah Empire, which was now led by Dana Wader in the absence of her evil husband, Dark Wader. Nixon profited immensly from his weapons sales, and used his position as Shadow Figure (tm) behind the Emperor Ianonuthink (of the Ottsamaddawidu Empire) to prolong and drag out the war. Naturally, in such a prolonged war, the home population had to be kept distracted, to keep them from questioning whether the war was really necessary. Heroes such as Galaxy Hunter were used to this end (although Hunter himself had no idea he was being so used). Nixon profited again here, on the merchandising of action figures, tv shows, flame throwers, etc. "Okay, enough exposition," Nixon said. "I've got it figured out -- not only will we make billions of credits, but we'll be rid of our cheif cheif enemies as well! First thing I want you to do, Gordon, is hire Badass." "Huh?" Gordon said. "What's hiring that mercenary donkey got to do with whatever it is you're planning?" "Never mind that," Nixon said. "Just do it! And quickly, mind you." "Right," Gordon said, and left. Nixon chuckled, unwary that the soul- -crystal containing Gorgax pulsed brighter than before behind him. ------------------------------------------------------------- "Now," Rad said, flying above the city, looking down. "Like, finding that Nun shouldn't, like, be, like, too difficult. I wonder, like, what car she's, like, driving." Rad focused his eyes on an incredibly vast traffic jam that was now just entering Los Angeles. It went back as far as the eye could see, out past the horizen. At it's fore was a large, nasty-looking 1969 Lincoln Continental, that took up all available lanes of the highway going into the city. It moved at a mind-bogglingly slow ten mph. "Hmmm..." Rad said. "Like, perhaps the, like, people in that car would, like, know where the, like, Nun on the Road is." Rad proceeded to swoop down and tap on the front windshield, hovering above the car itself. "Excuse me, like, uh, sister," he said, seeing the gnarled old woman wearing a Nun's habit. "Have you, like, seen the, like, Nun on the Road?" The Nun looked confused and annoyed, not to mention bitter and angry. "Wait, like, a minute," Rad said, pausing to think. At any given time, it was immensly difficult for Rad to think, but it was even more difficult with that annoying clicking sound in the air. Here was a Nun. She was on the road. Did it mean...? But Rad did not want to jump to conclusions. He knocked on the windshield again. The Nun looked really ticked now. "Er, like, excuse me, most excellent sister babe," he said. "Are you, like, y'know, the Nun on the, like, Road?" The Nun, who was indeed the Nun on the Road, was puzzled indeed. A superhero with a tan of mind-numbing proportions had flown up in front of her car and just seemed to hover an inch above her car hood, tapping on her windshield asking about fun ala-mode. She had little patience to be harassed with such matters, though, so she reached down to the car radio and started fiddling with the knobs. Rad let out a yelp as the radio antenna, which was the height of a fair-to-medium size telephone pole, whipped down, wrapped itself around his waist, and threw him to the highway pavement a half mile ahead. "Like," he said, brushing himself off. "I'll, like, take that as, like, a yes, eh? Like, yah." He stood and faced off against the slowly approaching Continental. Psychokinetic energy crackled within him as he primed for a most excellent blast. With a sizzle, it was away, striking the Continental with tremendous impact, an impact that would have shattered lesser cars. Our hero was quite stunned when the Nun's car kept coming, without so much as a chip of paint to show the impact. Rad growled, and fired again. This time, the blast caused the Nun to slow to 9.99 miles per hour, but she quickly got it back up to 10. Rad decided now would be a good time to take to the skies. He jumped, but quickly fell to the ground. Rad tried to concentrate to fly, but couldn't get that hellish clicking sound out of his ears. It seemed to be coming from behind the Nun's car, which was getting closer and closer to him. So, he did the only thing he could do -- he started running. ------------------------------------------------------------ Four miles up the road, a group of thugs in the employ of Dr. Sleaze (as was plainly obvious, since they wore shirts that read "Sleaze Thug #1", "Sleaze Thug #2" and so forth) were putting up a large banner over the highway. "I don't get it," Thug #2 said. "What're we doin' this for?" "Who cares?" Thug #1 said. "The boss is payin' us good dough, and I don't gotta draw those Smurfs day in and day out." ------------------------------------------------------------ Welsian Lo muscled his way past a crowd of dwarves and giants on his way to a pay phone. His first day out of the hospital had not been good. People stared at him (he was, after all, still wearing his hospital gown), and two hundred gallons of cold beer had fallen out of the sky, seemingly at random, flooding the street and thoroughly soaking the gown. Fortunately, he still didn't look out of place. He reached the pay phone and looked in the phone book. He had seen Schwartzenegger do this in a movie, and it seemed like a good idea. But there were no listings for a "Glum" or "Princess Glum". Concentrating, Welsian tried to think back to the time when he was the Electric Warrior, when his bioelectric field had run out of control and his mind had retreated. The name "Rad" came to him. Yes, "Rad." He was the one who had accidently mind-linked with him, bringing him out of his madness. Unfortunately, in doing so, Rad had shut down Welsian's bioelectric field, rendering him incapable of flight or blasting someone with electricity, but there were ways of reversing that on Planet Hottentot. Welsian looked in the yellow pages under "hero". "Hmmm," he mumbled to himself. "Rat...Ranma...ah, here we are: Rad." Welsian looked further, at an ad that read as follows: "Dudes: weatherman giving you problems? Being threatened by voluptuous psychopaths? Need to restore the fabric of time and space? Being attacked by monsters, space aliens, and vampires? Then look no further - it is a truly bodacious day for you! Just call 1-800-RAD-HELP! HAL will take your call and, if it's urgent, will contact me immediately. Accepting Mastercard, Visa, American Express, and all C.U.A. credit cards. And, like, as always...party on, dudes!" It was accompanied by a picture of Rad, flanked by Glum and a short guy that Welsian assumed to be Rad's fully licensed sidekick. There was an address printed in small letters at the bottom of the advertisement. Welsian studied it for a few moments, then dropped the phone book. It landed on his toe. Welsian hopped around in pain for a bit. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Chalandra Harkness had finally managed to get the two Robert Smiths out of the box. For the last two hours, she had tried to call Phil Donahue, but had gotten no response. "Can we go back in the box?" one of the Robert Smiths said. "I'd rather be in the box." "This is so depressing," moaned the other Robert Smith. The first one whined in sympathy. Chalandra took some more aspirin. "Ok, that does it," Chalandra said, standing up. Horace watched her, concerned that she would do something drastic to the Smiths. "I want you two out of here now!" "Now I'm really depressed," one of the Robert Smiths (which one at this point hardly matters, does it?). "I just want to be left alone." "I'm so depressed I can't walk," the other Robert Smith said. Chalandra decided to give up at this point and get some shut-eye. She had stayed up well into the morning trying to get them to see reason, and now she was getting depressed as well. She hoped it wasn't contagious. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Rad continued running along. "Say, dude, hasn't this general idea been, like, done before?" When? "Like, in one of the Dangerousman episodes, like, y'know?" Well, I'll admit, there are some similarities (such as you running from the Nun's car), but other than that the plots are *completely different!* Completely! "Hey, like, there's a sign, dude...'This way to DisneyWorld'." Well, er, ahem...I can explain that! Wait... But Rad was in no mood for waiting. Although the clicking sound coming from the Nun's car was interfering with his concentration, he could still turn around and jump on the hood of the Nun's car. In doing so, he came upon a startling discovery: the Nun's car had been out in the sun all day, and was consequently hot! "Ouchoochoucheepowowowow..." Rad said, as he hopped on the car hood. Inside, the Nun on the Road looked at Rad in anger yet again. The tanned doofus was back, and was tap-dancing on her car. She was further annoyed when Rad managed to climb on top of the car. Angrily, she reached down to fiddle with the radio knobs, when she saw a banner over the highway. It had a large blue arrow pointing to an off-ramp, and read: "International Protestant Convention, next right. No nuns, please." Sister Mary Ellen Hatchetnose sneered in bitterness and glee. So many protestants to run over, and so little time! Rad, meanwhile, managed to slide onto the trunk of the Continental. The clicking sound was loud here, and Rad felt his grip on sanity startin to slide again. He heard the sound of an uzi, and quickly rolled to his right. The cars behind him were firing at him! He barely deflected a couple of grenades lobbed at the car from Johnny Depp's porsche. Johnny looked like he was having trouble holding on to his sanity. Unfortunately, like all California motorists, he was also armed to the teeth. Next to his car, a granny in an Oldsmobile was leaning out the window, aiming her rocket launcher at Rad. He had nowhere to dodge! WILL THE GRANNY BLOW UP RAD? WILL THE PAINT ON THE NUN'S CAR BE CHIPPED? WILL WELSIAN LO WEAR SOMETHING BESIDES A BEER-DRENCHED HOSPITAL GOWN? WHY IS NIXON HIRING BADASS? WILL A PLOT EVER DEVELOP WITH CHALANDRA AND THE ROBERT SMITHS? WILL RAD BECOME A MASS OF TAN-HUED ASHES AGAIN? ALL THIS AND THE ROYAL FAMILY ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 07 Nov 1990 00:29:51 Subject: Rad 51: Heart Like A Wheel From: Ritual de lo Habitual <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #51: "Heart Like A Wheel" by Gary W. Olson The Nun on the Road started swerving for the off-ramp indicated by the banner. Rad almost fell off the back of her 1969 Lincoln Continental, and the granny who was about to blow him into pieces with her rocket launcher was forced to re-aim. At that moment, over the mind-splitting sound of the Nun's forgotten left-turn signal, Rad and everyone else could hear a loud scream. Turning, they saw Johnny Depp, still with a crazed look in his eye, roll his car into a deep ditch. Everyone put down their weapons for a moment and spontaneously applauded. Then, they picked up their weapons and got about their business - shooting at Rad. Johnny Depp's cries that he would not be stopped from finding Evan Pongress and getting his revenge for his having taken Winona Ryder away from him went largely unheeded. Rad winced as he saw the granny re-aiming her rocket launcher. Now would have been a nice time for his vision of a million stunningly tanned people to occur, as it usually gave him lots of strength. But the vision persisted in it's absence, and Rad prepared for the worst. What he was not prepared for was someone grabbing his wrists and yanking him up into the air. And not a moment too soon, either! The granny's rocket flashed below him, hitting the Nun's car and discoloring the paint some. Rad looked up. "Like, Glum!" Rad finally said. Glum simply smiled back at him as she carried him away from the immediate vicinity of the Nun and the crazed California motorists. Naturally, Rad's first question, upon landing, was "Say, like, Glum...why, like, do you have, y'know, like, fresh vegetables stuck, like, in your ears?" "What?" said Glum. "I can't hear you. Oh! Wait..." She reached up and plucked the fresh vegetables - a radish and a small carrot, to be precise - out of her ears. "I said," Rad repeated himself, "why, like, do you have, y'know, like, fresh vegetables stuck, like, in your ears?" "Oh," Glum replied. "That was to keep from being driven insane by the incessant clicking of the Nun's forgotten left-hand turn signal." "How'd you, like, know I was, like, facing the Nun?" "Woman's intuition," Glum replied. "That and the fact Bryant Gumbel called me to get my reactions about it. Now come on..." "Like, huh?" Rad said. "We, like, have to stop, like, that quite bogus sisterly babe, do we, like, not?" "I know. I told HAL to contact Max Vax - he was working on some ideas on how to stop the Nun if she ever dropped by." ------------------------------------------------------------ "Keep your heads down!" Benjen hissed. He smiled politely as the mob rushed past. After a few moments, a man in what appeared to be a beer-drenched hospital gown walked past, giving Benjen a curious look but saying nothing. Once they were all gone, Slithis and Jerriphrrt climbed out of the racks of clothing. "Jeez," Jerriphrrt said, pulling his feline tail from where it had caught on a velcro latch. "You'd think they'd never seen an alien before." "Yah," Slithis replied, scratching his reptilian forehead. "Well, this wouldn't have happened if you hadn't claimed to be extras in the next 'Star Wars' film," Benjen said. "What were you guys thinkin', huh?" "Babes?" Slithis ventured. Jerriphrrt slapped him. "Never mind that," Jerriphrrt growled. "We've got to locate the Princess Glum. She's gotta be around here someplace." "But boss," Benjen said. "We've been lookin' for hours. This 'beach' doesn't seem to be around here." "Well, we just gotta keep lookin'," Jerriphrrt said. "First, tho, we gotta get disguises for Slithis an' me, or we'll keep gettin' mobbed by half-crazed fans who want to know the plot to the next Star Wars film. He looked at the clothes rack, and picked out two trenchcoats. He looked over at a nearby sign - "buy a trenchcoat, get a cheap fedora free!" He smiled. Benjen had just paid for the purchases and brought them back to where Slithis and Jerriphrrt were hiding when someone pointed to the sky. "Look!" the person said. "A bird!" "No!" a passerby said. "A plane!" The object fluttered down and perched on a parking meter. "See!" the first person said. "Told'ja it was a bird!" Benjen wondered if this went on all the time on this planet. As he did, he saw two other forms flitting through the sky. These forms were definitely not avians or the primitive flitters the natives of this miserable planet seemed to prefer, but were humanoid in form. One was the most incredibly tan being Benjen had ever seen. The other was wearing a tiger-stripe bikini, and had long, flowing black hair. Benjen jumped up and down and pointed to them. "Look!" he said. "It's the lady Glum! I spotted her!" "Quick!" Jerriphrrt, now inconspicuous in his trenchcoat, said. "We've got to follow them!" They moved off. Moments later, a man wearing a beer-drenched hospital gown followed. ------------------------------------------------------------ Badass sat in his small upper lower north south-side apartment watching the television. For some strange, not-adequately-explored reason, his television only received BBC television programmes. Just as his favorite show, "Roger Mellie, the Man on the Telly" came on, a figure appeared in front of him. The accompanying special effects knocked out the poor television, just as Roger said "bollocks" on the air. Badass pulled a bowie knife and an ak-47 out of the popcorn bowl beside him, and squinted. His long, donkey ears pricked as he recognized the figure. "Bloody 'ell," Badass said, lowering his weapons, "you?" "Hey, you old donkey," G. Gordon Liddy said to the mercenary donkey-humanoid. "Got a job for you." "Do you now," Badass replied, sitting back. "I'm still recovering from the wounds I received back in episode 42." "$30 million," Liddy replied. Badass whistled, quite a feat if you've got a donkey's facial structure. But then, so is talking. "Lot of dough, Liddy. What's the deal?" "Don't know," Liddy replied. "You'll have to ask tricky Dick that." "Nixon, eh?" Badass mused. "You know, if he would have listened to me, that Watergate mess would never have happened." "Well, we felt that blowing up the Watergate wasn't a viable option." "Whatever," Badass replied. "Let me get my stuff." For the next twenty minutes, Badass stuffed every conceivable type of gun and weapon into his large, oversized trenchcoat. Despite adding over two hundred pounds of steel, the trenchcoat didn't look like it carried anything at all. Badass paused as he looked at his sweatband, and tucked it into an available pocket. "Okay," he finally said. "Say," Liddy said. "You seem a lot mellower now than when you were working for Phil Donahue. What gives with the sudden, unexplained shift in characterization?" "I switched to decaf," Badass replied. Liddy laughed a bit, then pressed a button taped to his wrist. Instantly, Liddy and Badass disappe ------------------------------------------------------------ General Colin Powell, the leader of the U.S. armed forces, watched as the Nun on the Road approached his tanks and artillery. He had brought his forces here to face off with the Nun once and for all. It was too big of a job for a movie actor to handle. He turned to bark orders. "Prepare to fire all guns," he meant to say, but was drowned out by James Earl Jones saying those same words. He glared at James. "Sorry," James said. "If you're not going to have a movie star face off against the Nun, you've got to at least be voiced over by a movie star." Powell grumbled and turned back to the Nun. "Range," Jones said as Powell mouthed the words. "200 meters." At that moment, a strange thing happened. The Nun's car turned left, heading down another large street, taking all available lanes. Behind her car, the gridlock stretched as far as the eye could see. Powell walked forward, wondering what it was that had caused the Nun to hang a left. He spotted a large sign, that read "Protestant Convention, thatta- way." A large blue arrow pointed in the direction the Nun had gone. "Protestant convention?" Powell mouthed as Jones spoke. "What kind of idiocy is this? Hey...you! Did you put this sign up?" The person Powell was talking, sort of, to, wore a shirt that read "Sleaze Thug #3." Beside him stood "Sleaze Thug #4". "Er, gosh," said Sleaze Thug #3. "Wasn't me!" "Me neither," said Sleaze Thug #4. Powell sneered, but turned away from them. "Is there a convention in that direction?" he asked, with Jones doing the voice over. "No sir," an adjutant replied. "Only major structure that way is the bottling and producing plant of Rival Cola." "Hmmm..." Powell mused. "Odd indeed..." ------------------------------------------------------------ Eric Idle and Willard Scott sat on a park bench, watching the guard in front of Buckingham Palace. If the guard noticed, he gave no sign. "All right, Willard," Eric hissed. "I've let you drag me across the Atlantic from the Gothopolis Psychiatrist Dairies to England, but I'm not going a step further until you tell me what this is all about." "Aw, come on, Eric," Willard whined. "Ya gotta trust me." "Then you'll have to trust me," Eric replied, sternly. "With whatever half-crazed idea has brought you here." Sighing, Willard Scott leaned over and whispered into Eric's ear. Eric's eyes grew wide. The guard gave them an annoyed look. "You're right," Eric said. "If what you say is true, we've got to get inside Buckingham Palace. But how?" "That's the thing," Willard said. "I'm not terribly good at this sneaking around business. I was hoping that you'd have an idea or two." "I..." Eric started, then trailed off. He was looking over at a congregation of nuns that were entering the Palace, without the guards stopping them or anything like that. "I've got an idea." ----------------------------------------------------------- Rad, his sidekick extraordinaire Manny Seconds, Glum, and Max Vax crowded around a large computer monitor, looking at a 3-d represent- ation of the Nun's Continental. "Now," Max was saying, "Her car has been shown to resist heavy artillery fire, missiles, and Dangerousman's atomic blast. It's capable of moving structures that weigh hundreds of tons, as it did with Cinderella's Castle, the Eiffel Tower, and one of the Egyptian pyramids. It's radio antenna has sliced low bridges in half, and it's been used to knock people, including Rad, off of her car. *But*... I've detected a flaw in her defenses. Zoom in, HAL, on the right door." "Yes, Dave" HAL replied, as the 3-d representation zoomed in, focusing on the right side door. "Don't call me Dave, HAL," Max said, vaguely irritated. "Yes, Dave," HAL replied innocently. "Anyways," Max continued. "After careful analysis, I was able to determine that the right door of the car..." He paused, for maximum dramatic effect. "...is unlocked." "Like, so?" Rad replied. "Soooo," Manny said. "While we distract the Nun, you should be able to fly over, open the door, and get inside, stopping the Nun there." "Last time, like, I couldn't fly," Rad said. "That's why you'll need to put fresh vegetables in your ears, darlin Glum said. "To keep from being driven insane by the clicking of her forgotten left turn signal." "Well, like, okay then," Rad said, taking a handful of corn and stuffing it in one ear, and putting a carrot in the other. "Let's go!" "What?" said the others, who had already put fresh vegetables in their ears. Eventually, through games like charades, they got going. WILL RAD MANAGE TO GET INSIDE THE NUN'S CAR? WILL ERIC AND WILLARD GET INSIDE BUCKINGHAM PALACE? WILL STAR WARS FANS GET THE INSIDE SCOOP ON THE NEXT FILM? WILL JOHNNY DEPP CATCH UP TO EVAN? HOW THIN CAN MOTZARELLA BE STRETCHED WITHOUT BREAKING? ALL THIS AND SLEAZY THINGS ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 08 Nov 1990 19:08:06 Subject: Rad 52: Rollin' on the River From: Ritual de lo Habitual <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #52: "Rollin' on the River" by Gary W. Olson Dana Wader, the most totally evil woman in the galaxy, and leader of the small, hard-to-find, yet extremely formidable Muuuahahahah Empire, watched in some amusement as a droid brought Paranoia to the bridge. He cringed wildly at the sight of the huge command hemisphere. He winced at the sight of security cameras. And he turned absolutely pale at the sight of Dana, who looked sort of like a cross between the Black Knight and Barbie, with lots of billowing black robes and cloaks and all that. "You're out to get me!" he shrieked. "You'll pretend to be my friend but you're just playing some cruel game before you kill me, I know!" Dana Wader laughed a totally evil laugh. "Don't worry, dear," she said. "I won't pretend to be your friend. I just want to use you to my evil ends, that's all." "A likely story!" Paranoia shrieked. "You probably want me to help you declare universal peace!" "As a matter of fact, that's exactly what I want," Dana said coldly. At this point, Paranoia was not only paranoid, but somewhat confused as well, a feeling he made note of. "All will be made clear in time," Dana assured him. "We're still foreshadowing, you know." Dana Wader resolutely turned and walked a few yards away, apparantly planning to forcibly remove a crewmember's ear. Paranoia collected his scattered wits and attempted to use his power - to cause paranoid delusions in others. Dana stood straight up, turned, and decked him with a baseball bat. When Paranoia came too, he was paranoid and had a headache. He cowered as he saw Dana towering above him. "I *trust* I'll only have to do that once," she said, icily. Paranoia nodded shakily. "You'll obey me - instantly - or I'll have you slain in a variety of nasty, not-good-to-think-about ways." Paranoia nodded faster, almost dislocating something in the process. The usual arrangement, he sighed in relief. Dana Wader silently gloated. The tele-inhibitor was working as the Pan-Cal technicians had promised. "Send out the initial peace overtures!" she imperiously demanded to a lackey who, against all odds, still seemed to have most of his body parts intact. The lackey nodded. "Overtures sent to planets Dalan, Andaria, and Hottentot," the lackey announced. Dana smiled a totally evil smile. Paranoia whined. ------------------------------------------------------------- "Okay, is everybody ready?" Glum asked. Max nodded, Manny said "yep" and Rad said, "Er, like, huh? Oh...er, yah, like, ready." Max climbed into his armor and lifted off, while Glum flew above the road. Manny, whose job it was to coordinate the three-way attack, turned to Rad. "Okay, Rad, they'll be beginning their attack about a half mile before the Nun reaches here. What you need to do is hover in how, reach for the right door handle, and open--Rad! Pay attention!" "What?" Rad said. "I can't hear you with these fresh vegetables stuck in my ears." Manny groaned - they had all had to put fresh vegetables in their ears to block the sanity-reducing sounds of the Nun on the Road's forgotten left turn signal. Each had a micro- transmitter stuck in their ear under the vegetable matter, that would allow them to hear Manny as he spoke to them on his transciever. Manny lowered his transciever to his mouth and repeated the instructions. Almost immediately after that, there was a loud series of explosions, as Max unloaded his first round of micromissiles from his Vax Pax. Although they couldn't hear it, the motor of the Nun's 1969 Lincoln Continental continued rumbling. Lightning flashed as Glum did what she could against the Nun's car. But her power wasn't really geared against large-scale attacks, and hence did little damage. "Ok, Max," Manny barked into his transciever. "Second pass - try to blind the view along the right side. Glum, don't worry about striking for damage - concentrate on blinding effects. Rad, get ready." Inside, Sister Mary Ellen Hatchetnose grumbled. She was under attack yet again, by more heroes. Moreover, they seemed to be staying out of range of her radio antenna. Like the others, though, they had proven to be ineffective against her car. She smiled a bitter smile. The Protestants would rue this day, when she had smashed their Convention and knocked over their display tables. A sound at the right door made her look over, but there was nobody there. Or was there? The Nun stared, they opened her eyes wide in alarm as Rad opened the door and catapulted himself inside the car. "Who are you?" she asked, alarmed. "Why have you trespassed on a poor sister such as myself? Why do you have fresh vegetables in your ear?" The hero, who had a tan which even the Nun had to admit was of Biblical proportions, looked at her densely. "Like, what, sister babe?" he said. "Oh, yah, hold on..." He removed the carrot from one of his ears. "I am, like, Rad, your most truly bogus sisterliness, and I am here to stop your, like, most heinous hogging of the roadways, like, y'know?" The Nun stared at Rad in some confusion. This one talked something that sounded vaguely like English, but made little sense. She gathered, though, that he was not here to be of assistance. "Get out of my car, Protestant heathen!" she screamed, whipping out a ruler. Rad dodged as she brought the ruler down, causing the carrot to splatter. She swung again with the ruler, chopping the headrest of the passenger side seat in half. Rad gulped. "Like, uh, like, couldn't we pull over and, y'know, talk about this?" he said nervously. The Nun squinted at the brightness of his smile. ------------------------------------------------------------ Horace snored soundly as late afternoon approached. Chalandra, having been given a headache from argueing with the Robert Smiths, had gone to her crypt late. Horace, a large (15 foot) golden dragon and top SpamWay SalesBeing, slept at the same time, as he helped out Chalandra with her detective business while he waited for the next starship home. Being as both semi-regular characters were fast asleep, they missed the following exchange: "Wow," one Robert Smith said, sitting in sort of a heap in the sink. "I just figured out the secret to eternal happiness." "I'm depressed," the other Robert Smith whined. "Don't talk about happiness." "No, I really figured it out," the first one insisted. The second one struggled to sit up from where it was strung out on a desk. "What is it?" the other one asked. "I..." the first Smith said. "I forgot. Now I'm really depressed." "This is so depressing," the other Smith whined in sympathy. ------------------------------------------------------------ Rad lunged, trying to take the advantage. The Nun was ready for him, though, whipping out a Bible and thumping him with it. She slapped him on the back of the hand with the flat of the ruler, and pain shot up his arm. "Aaaaaiiiii!" he said. The Nun cackled. Rad saw the Nun curling her arm, getting ready to Bible-thump him back out of the car. He tried to raise his right arm but couldn't. The Nun swung. At the last instant, Rad let loose a burst of psychokinetic energy. It was unfocused, but was strong enough to deflect the Nun's arm into the turn signal bar, knocking it, with a creak, into the "off" position. Motorists who had accumulated behind the Nun suddenly and without warning came to their senses, and cheered upon realizing that the horrible left-turn clicking sound had been shut off. They also voiced their surprise as they saw a splendidly tanned figure go rocketing out of the open right hand door. The door closed, and they heard the click of the lock. Rad stood up and looked at the Nun's car, pulling away slowly. He scraped the corn out of his other ear and went off in search of Manny. He found Max Vax and Glum, standing above a guy who was wearing a shirt that said "Sleaze Thug #2". "Hey, dudes," Rad said. "Like, what is, like, happening here? And where, like, is my most excellent amigo Manny?" "We think Manny was kidnapped by one of these, darling," Glum said. "Don't call me darling," Rad said back. "Of course, darling," Glum answered. "And he was just about to tell us where his pals took Manny, wasn't he?" "I ain't tellin' nothin'!" the Sleaze thug said. "I'm union! I don't got to say nuthin if I don't wanna. Look it up." Glum smiled sweetly, and took Max's VaxAx from Max. She turned it on, and hefted a large steel bar into the air. When it landed, the bar was in small pieces. "This does wonders on steel bars, cutie," she said. "Bet it'll do wonders for you, too." "I just thought of an emergency clause," the Sleaze thug said hurriedly. "Dr. Sleaze ordered that your pint-size sidekick be kidnapped to disrupt your efforts to stop the Nun on the Road." "Why?" Max asked. "He's manipulating the Nun into destroying the bottling plant of his company's archrival, Rival Cola. By blending Rival Cola into the water supply, the Powerful, Mind-Altering Drugs (tm) that Dr. Sleaze put in his Choke Cola will be activated, and he'll eventually control the world!" "Can you lead us to him?" Glum asked. The thug gulped. "Er, yeah, I guess," he said. "Who was our fifth president?" Max asked. "Adams...no, wait...Madison!" "Like, if a tree, like, fell in the woods, and, like, noone was around, would it, like, pop back up again?" Rad asked. "Er...what's this got to do with finding your friend?" "This is a comprehensive exam," Max said. "So, like, is he going to take us to Max?" Rad asked. "Yes," the thug said. Glum whapped him. "Yes," Glum said. "But you've got to stop the Nun before she destroys the bottling plant! Otherwise, this entire country will be filled with unquestioning, obedient servants to authority!" "Like, how is that different from now?" Rad asked. "You know what I meant!" Glum said. "Don't worry, darling, we'll rescue Manny. Now get going!" They indulged in a breif kiss before Rad took off for the horizen, trying to catch up with the Nun. Glum turned to Max and the thug. "Now..." She was interrupted as a net fell across her and three figures wearing trenchcoats jumped on her. "We got her!" Jerriphrrt said. "Quickly now -- say...we didn't even knock her over!" "Ya know, boss," Slithis ventured. "This may not have been a bright idea..." He watched Max Vax, who was levelling a nasty looking micromissile cluster at them. "Say, does anyone know if this net conducts electricity?" Benjen asked. A 10000 volt charged flew through the net, causing the three to yelp in surprise and jump away. "Guess so," he said. "What...is...going...on...here..." Glum growled. "Er...we're here to...ah...take you back to the Ottsamaddawidu Empire, Princess Glum," Jerriphrrt said, realizing they had blown it. "We...ah...thought you'd be happy to return..." "Not likely!" Glum stormed, as electricity crackled from her hands and the horns on her head gained a slightly reddish tinge. Even Benjen, who was of the same race and had the same abilities, cringed a bit. This went on for several minutes. Finally, she calmed down a bit. "Okay..." she said. "I'm a bit busy for this right now. If you help me out, I'll *consider* going voluntarily with you." "That's a big if, my lady," Slithis said. Jerriphrrt slapped him. "We are grateful to her highness for sparing us," he said, in his best slick-cat style. "Tell us what we've got to do..." Nearby, out of sight, Welsian Lo smiled. Those three bumblers were making his job of retrieving the lady Glum even easier. All he had to do now was wait for the right moment... WILL WELSIAN LO SNEAK GLUM RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER THEM ALL? CAN RAD SINGLEHANDEDLY DEFEAT THE NUN? WHAT IS THE SECRET OF ETERNAL HAPPINESS? IS DR. SLEAZE STILL RUNNING THAT FAMILY SEX SHOP OF HIS? WHY CAN'T JESSE HELMS DIE IN REAL LIFE? ALL THIS AND FEEL THE FIZZ ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 14 Nov 1990 19:07:47 Subject: Rad 53: On the Road Again... From: Ritual de lo Habitual <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #53: "On the Road Again..." by Gary W. Olson Dalan City, the capital of the Dalan Empire, located on planet Dalan (creativity is not exactly the Dalan's strong suit), was in the midst of celebration of Creation Day, that day in history, long ago, when the first Dalan rolled off an assembly line now lost to the mists of antiquity. There was added reason to celebrate - fully six months ago, the old, computer-logic driven regime had been overthrown. That is to say, they were trying to celebrate. Centuries of emotional suppression had left the entire Dalan race cold, and while they were by and large eager to experience emotions, many did not quite have the hang of them yet. This was evidenced when a prominent Dalan, trying to deliver the peace gesture, forgot one of the fingers and was promptly deluged with cans of motor oil. Their logical side helped them recover from the short civil war with remarkable quickness, setting up a generally democratic form of government, with votes on new laws taking place once a week (through a decentralized computer system), and most Dalans getting the opportunity to take part in the more popular duties of government, i.e. sex scandals. The president of the Council, Threaydie (whose former name had been Technician 380), stood looking out the window from his Presidential office when William and Thelma entered. "Will, Thelma, I'm so glad you could make it," he said. "I hope I didn't disrupt the talks too much..." "Naw," William replied. "They've decided to stay in the Dalan Federation -- any opposition rhetoric to the contrary can be ignored as the ruling party owns Park Place and Boardwalk." The planet they are referring to is, of course, planet Milton, where, through quite extraordinary means, an entire world government, religion, and culture were formed based on an edition of a "Monopoly" game. "In fact, Top Hat Jikk'srrzt wants to sign within the next week." "Good, good," Threaydie said. "Now, you know I wouldn't have called you back prematurely unless something urgent came up." "Which it has, I take it," Thelma said. "Yes...we received this just this morning." Threaydie handed William a liquid crystal displayer. William looked at it. "Hmmm...," William said. "It looks like a peace proposal. Pardon my asking, but where does the urgency come in?" "It was sent by the Lady Dana Wader, ruler of the Muuuahahahah Empire." "You mean," Thelma said. "The most totally evil woman in the galaxy wants peace? Come on, this must be a joke! Are you trying humor again, Threa? You You remember what happened with the ball bearings and the cheeze wiz..." "I'm afraid not," Threaydie replied. "We've verified it's accuracy. Furthermore, copies have also been sent to Planets Hottentot and Andaria. Cursory copies have been forwarded to the lesser galactic states." "You think, then, it's a plot of some kind?" Thelma asked. "It's very likely," the president replied. "Lady Wader didn't take the death of her husband, the late Lord Wader, very well, even though she hated him (and vice versa) when he was alive. Who knows what dreadful scheme she has to perpetrate against the galaxy in retaliation for this?" "What do you want us to do?" William asked. "You two are our best agents, both as diplomats and espionage professionals, from way back in the Earth campaign (see Rad episodes 25-36). We have no choice but to go along with this for now. Despite progress, our reputation from centuries of destruction and oppression is, quite frankly, a bag of axle grease. Your mission is to find out what the Muuuahahahahans are up to, and stop it if you can, without committing any major diplomatic gaffs." "We'll do it sir," Thelma replied. ------------------------------------------------------------ Rad made another strafing run at the Nun's car, with about as much success as in previous attempts. Not only had he been unable to damage the Nun's car much, he had been largely unsuccessful in slowing her down a whit. The Rival Cola bottling factory loomed closely. At this point, he did something exceedingly rare: he paused to think, hovering at a constant position above the Nun's car. Dr. Sleaze had been maneuvering the Nun this way to get her to destroy the Rival Cola bottling factory, in order to further his insane scheme for world domination through Powerful, Mind-Altering Drugs (tm). But how had Sleaze been doing that? Suddenly, the answer hit Rad. Or, rather, Rad hit the answer, which was in the form of a banner stretched across the highway, which read "Welcome to the Protestant Convention! No dangerous, centuries-old nuns, please." Rad looked down the highway. Sure enough, there were dozens of banners leading directly up to the front door of the Rival Bottling Company. Employees on the scene had quickly, and wisely, fled. Taking off again, Rad shot past the Nun down the highway, scooping up banners and placards and signs as he went. Working quickly, he retied and replaced them, so that they would lead up to an adjacent bottling factory next door, which had apparantly been abandoned. That done, he resumed strafing the Nun's car with psychokinetic blasts, to make his sly plan look good. Inside the car, the Nun on the Road looked baffled. She was still following the signs, but they were all, now, uniformly upside down. She cackled a bitter cackle at the density of protestants, and continued driving. The gates of the cola factory were rushing up towards her. With a thunderous crash, her 1969 Lincoln Continental burst through the concrete foundations into the factory proper. The Nun was thoroughly confused - there were no protestants here - no convention stands, no people in silly hats...just a huge vat, which she had just crashed into and knocked into that river over there. Moments later, she was through the building, out to the other side. Behind her, a veritable ocean of cola was gushing into the Los Angeles water supply. Rad looked puzzled. ------------------------------------------------------------ In Dr. Sleaze's hideout, the aforementioned Doctor (who, not having the scruples of Mister Destruction, had stolen his title) was sitting back in his chair, laughing and pointing to the screen, which showed Rad looking puzzled, staring at the river of cola streaming into the L.A. water supply. "I don't believe it!" he said, inbetween outburst of laughter. "Whatta maroon! This guy's dumber than ManMan!" "Excuse me," said Manny, who was strapped to an Implement of Torture (tm). "But what just happened?" "Well, you see...heh heh..." Sleaze said. "When I...guffaw... heard that Rad was trying to stop the Nun, I...ho hoo...switched the signs on the bottling plants!" "I don't get it," Manny said, confused. "This building we're in is really the Choke Cola bottling plant!" Dr. Sleaze exclaimed. "The building over there is really the Rival Cola plant! All my thugs did was switch signs and make the other plant look like it had been abandoned!" "Clever," Manny replied. "Yes, isn't it?" Sleaze said, obviously pleased with himself. "Now, not only will I control the world with my Powerful, Mind-Altering Drugs (tm), I'll have a good shot at making the Hall of Villainy in five years..." "You got all that, Rad?" Manny said. "Like, I most certainly do, dude," came Rad's voice from the monitor. "Eh?" said Sleaze. He rushed over to where Manny was strapped and pulled a small transciever from Manny. He stormed over to a guard. "You mean he had this all this time and you didn't *do* anything about it?" he shrieked. The guard trembled - the prisoner had told him it was to keep his breath fresh and minty. Dr. Sleaze, quite perturbed at this point, grabbed a large coffee pot and poured it's contents down the guard's trousers, causing him to hobble off in obvious discomfort. The building shook as Rad began firing psychokinetic blasts at the building. Dr. Sleaze rushed over and started pressing sinister looking buttons and knobs. Instantly, a force field sprang up around the bottling plant. But it was no ordinary force field...to cut costs, Dr. Sleaze had sold holographic advertising space on the force field. Sleaze resumed laughing as Rad bounced ineffectually against a holographic image of Robert Urich whining about his headaches. Lurking in a corner of the lab, though, Glum, Max Vax, Slithis, Benjen, and Jerriphrrt plotted how to rescue Manny. "Max, you've got the greatest offensive weaponry among us, so you'll have to try to shut down that force field," Glum was whispering. "I'll get over to Manny and release him." "Excuse me, your ladyship," Jerriphrrt said, his tail twitching in an odd fashion. "But what are we supposed to do? As you'll recall, we made a deal that if we helped you, you'd go back to Hottentot with us..." "I said I would *consider* going back," Glum replied sternly. "But we'll discuss this later. You've got an important job -- keep Sleaze busy." "Does he like card games?" Slithis asked. Benjen whapped him. "Eh, what's all this now, wot?" a voice called out behind them. They turned to see a Sleaze thug, number five, according to his shirt. "Can't you read the signs? This is a ten minute lurking zone, and you've been lurking for over fifteen minutes." They looked at the sign - it was true. Not having any choice now, they attacked, and the thug went down in short order. This, however, alerted Dr. Sleaze, who pressed a button on his control panel. Instantly, four or five Sleaze thugs entered the room. They were forced to jump out of the way as Max Vax launced a round of flechettes from his VaxSuit. Glum took advantage of the confusion to leap- frog over a couple of thugs, giving them rather severe electrical shocks. Max Vax, meanwhile, had blasted past a couple more Sleaze thugs and was linking to Dr. Sleaze's computer network. The thugs were hammering away at Max's armor with their fists, with little noticable consequence, other than the occasional yelp of pain from one or the other of them as they hurt their hands. Jerriphrrt and Benjen kept Dr. Sleaze occupied, bouncing back and and forth while Sleaze tried to bean them with full can's of Choke Cola. Normally, his aim would have been better, but his senses were being distorted by Slithis' mind-numbingly dull description of the most boring and pointless nightspots in the known galaxy. Sleaze would have beaned Slithis, but his reptilian nature reminded him of his ex-wife, making him woozy with delirium. "I'll have you out of here in a jif, Manny," Glum said, hacking through the ropes with a handy, convenient pocket-knife that she just happened to be carrying at the time. "Say," Manny said. "Where'd Rad go?" Rad had disappeared from the screen. ------------------------------------------------------------ That was because Rad was not there. Having been appraised of the situation, Rad had, through improbable circumstances, had a Bright Idea. At the moment, he was rapidly closing in on the Nun on the Road, who had driven further along and had apparantly found another highway to terrorize. This time, however, he dove *under* her car. Sister Mary Ellen Hatchetnose had seen many things during her long drive on the highways, byways, seabeds, and deserts of the world, but during all of that, she was fairly sure her car had remained firmly upon the ground. Now, as she felt her car starting to lift above the road, she looked about in consternation. There was a turn in the highway coming up. The Nun could see that the dropoff was quite a sharp one. She tried to turn, but the car kept heading straight for the guard rail. Rad winced as the car broke through the guard rail. He had been having some success in levitating the car, but not as much as he had hoped. Whatever power the Nun was exerting, it was making the car incredibly heavy. Looking down, he could see the steep dropoff, and the hard-looking concrete below. With his back pressed as it was against the chassis of the Nun's car, Rad knew he would not be able to extracite himself easily. All these considerations went through his mind as the 1969 Lincoln Continental teetered in empty air for a long moment, then proceeded to drop. WILL RAD BE SQUASHED INTO A TAN PANCAKE? WILL THE DALANS EVER FIGURE OUT THE PEACE GESTURE? WILL GLUM & CO. GET TICKETS FOR LURKING VIOLATIONS? WILL DR. SLEAZE GET INTO THE HALL OF VILLAINY? WILL ROBERT URICH STOP WHINING ABOUT HIS HEADACHES? WILL NICBBS REGURGITATE ANOTHER RAD EPISODE AT RANDOM? ALL THIS AND THE WHEEL OF FISH ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 16 Nov 1990 16:28:40 Subject: Rad 54: Revelations From: Ritual de lo Habitual <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #54: "Revelations" by Gary W. Olson Ran Mikoto smiled at his host, Ho Moroboshi, and his niece, Akane Moroboshi, as he drained the small cup of saki before him. "Yes," he said, "I have found government work very relaxing. And my father's casino should be open any day now..." He glanced breifly from his hosts to look outside, at the campus of the University of Tokyo. Abruptly, a sharp pain caused him to sputter, and drop his cup. "What...what is it?" Akane asked, rather alarmed. "It...is nothing..." Ran said. "It will pass...as it has before..." But it did not pass. It seemed to grow in intensity. Visions of sand, the beach, a multitude of well-tanned people, and cool Hendrix riffs passed behind his eyes. The view panned back, to show a tan orb, glowing brilliantly in the inkwell of space. "Mr. Mikoto," Ho said. "You do not look well." Suddenly, Ran Mikoto looked up. His eyes blazed, as though someone else was looking out of them. "The galaxy is in grave danger..." he whispered. "The savior must answer our call..." With that he passed out. ------------------------------------------------------------- At that particular moment, Rad could feel the concrete rushing up to greet him. His powers, which had previously proven strong enough to slow the descent of a large jetliner, did not seem to be slowing the descent of the 1969 Lincoln Continental much. This Nun, whomever she was, had quite formidable powers. Nevertheless, Rad continued to push upwards. Again, his vision came, a view of millions of excellently-tanned dudes and dudettes lying on endless beaches, eating literal gallons of tofu (the miracle substance). The vision was stronger than before, pulsing like a flesh wound inside his mind. Feelings of desperation, despair, and sunburn mixed together with a rush of power. When Rad dared open his eyes, he was surprised to find that he had not pancaked on the concrete below but was in fact high in the air above the city, holding aloft the Nun on the Road's car. He felt the power surge starting to drop, and looked around for Dr. Sleaze's bottling plant, the one with the force field that was beaming commercials all over the place. Sure enough, there it was, displaying the "Lifecall" thing. The car dove towards the dome at a frightening speed. Even though the windows were closed and the wind was howling, the Nun could hear the sound: "I'm having...chest pains!" "We're calling an ambulance immediately, Mr. Miller." "The cable tv is on the blink again!" "We're sending a satellite dish over, Mr. Nielson." "My grandmother accidently hooked her pacemaker to 'the Clapper'!" "Try clapping again, Mrs. Heidel." --------------------------------------------------------------- Chalandra stumbled out of her coffin as the last rays of sunlight began fading. She hadn't slept well, having to bite back her urges to swat the two unwanted guests that were presently sprawled out in the lobby of her small private eye office. Horace the Golden Dragon was still snoring away, another reason she hadn't slept well. "I want you two out of here today," she said to the two Robert Smiths. "You're so depressing," one of them said, finally. "You think that's depressing," the other said. "I just had a really depressing flashback. There were all these happy tanned people running around with this music in the air." "Then what?" Chalandra asked, warily. "Then it ended," the Smith said. "I'm so depressed." Chalandra turned around and went back to her coffin, firmly convinced she had gotten up way too early. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Max Vax was having little success breaking the codes on Dr. Sleaze's computer net, what with Sleaze's thugs banging on his armor and disrupt- ing the delicate interfacing mechanisms. Growling, he whipped out his VaxAx and swung it at one of them, lopping off an arm. Glum and Manny were backed into a corner by more thugs, with only Glum's bioelectric shocks and Manny's unfathomability to protect them. Dr. Sleaze had managed to bean Benjen and Slithis, and was closing in on Jerriphrrt, when the world seemed to implode. The concrete crumbled and the steel twisted and rent asunder. Thugs ran hither and yon, piling into what exits remained, as a loud, unmuffled engine roared above the sounds of destruction. Dr. Sleaze looked around, baffled. In the dust and confusion, the feline humanoid Jerriphrrt had escaped him. He saw the gallons and gallons of Choke cola running into the river and screamed. With that much Choke going into the river, and interacting with the Rival cola that had previously been dumped into the river, a reaction would take place that would neutralize,not activate, the Powerful, Mind-Altering Chemicals (tm) he had so painstakingly marketed in the months past. Suddenly, he felt hands on him, hands on his neck -- then they were gone. Looking down, he saw an odd pastiche of a sign - "Head Protestant", it read. Sleaze scratched his head in puzzlement. When the headlights shone on him, he looked up in confusion. The Nun looked back at him. She took out a pair of old spectacles, put them on, and peered through them. Sleaze looked down at his sign and back up at her. She grinned a bitter grin and started her car moving forwards again. "Now hold on..." Sleaze started, as the car approached him. "I'm not a protestant...really, I'm not...hey..." Sleaze stopped trying to explain, and turned around to run. Rad watched him and the Nun's car run into the distance. "Like, not bad, like, if I do say so, y'know, myself," Rad said. "Right, babe?" He paused. "Er, babe? Glum?" He looked around, not seeing Glum anywhere. He saw Max Vax, out of his armor, helping Manny sit up. "Ow...my poor head," Manny groaned. "Dude," Rad said. "Like, where's Glum?" "Electric Warrior," Manny said. "He showed up, dressed in a hospital gown, reeking of beer. He kidnapped her. Gave me a nasty whallop when I tried to stop him, as well." "The Warrior..." Rad's voice trailed off. He remembered touching the Warrior's mind when they had wrestled. A shiver went through him. Rad tore off into the gathering night sky, flying as fast as he could. All Max and Manny could do was watch. Max looked around, confused. "Say," he said. "Where'd those other three go?" ------------------------------------------------------------ Welsian Lo strapped the unconscious Glum securely but comfortably to the co-pilot's chair of his starship. Long-dormant engines hummed to life, as Welsian strapped himself in. Environmental had done a good job of masking the ship as part of the local scenery, disguised as an abandoned donut shop. He pushed the button to lift off. The building/ship rose slowly, too slowly. Angry, Welsian looked at his scopes. There was a large mass on top of his ship, another small starcraft shaped, according to the external viewscreens, like a donut (not the glazed kind). Snarling, Welsian tipped his ship and deposited the donut-shaped craft onto the street. Pushing another button, he sent his craft soaring into the night. He had barely lifted off when his shipped was rocked by some sort of attack. Had the primitive culture developed systems that could penetrate his radar-cloaking system? Welsian looked at the external viewscreens. That pesky tanned humanoid whom Glum had been hanging out with seemed to be attacking the ship with psychokinetic blasts. Having experienced the tanned one's power firsthand, Welsian did not care to face it. Two lasers fired from the ship, causing Rad to pull up short of the ship. Seconds later, it was out of range, climbing into the stratosphere. Rad hung there for a moment, looking stunned. Then, sensing something, he looked down, and saw Jerriphrrt, Slithis, and Benjen argueing. "Well, how was I supposed to know that was his ship?" Benjen said. "We landed where we landed, remember?" Jerriphrrt slapped him. "Get a hold of yourself," he said. "That govie nabbed the lady Glum. He's gonna take her back to Hottentot and cash in on *our* reward. Now get inna ship and strap in! We can still catch him before he gets there." After some more slapping and argueing, they herded themselves into the donut-shaped craft, which had been undamaged by it's fall. Before they lifted the boarding ramp, though, one more figure, tanned beyond all possible belief, snuck aboard. Soon, the ship left Earth. ------------------------------------------------------------ Herb Villachez handed Richard Nixon a slip of paper. Nixon smiled. Thanks to his network of spies, he had gotten a copy of it hours before the Lady Dana Wader had even sent it. All he had to get was some indication that the three he had sent to Earth had captured that blasted Princess... The console in front of him beeped. An incoming message from Earth had been intercepted, and was being ignored by the rest of the net. "Hmmm..." Nixon said. "Welsian Lo...thought he had died..." He read on. Welsian had the princess and was on his way. Nixon cheered. "Send out the invitations!" Nixon ordered Herb. Herb grunted and waddled away. Soon, very soon, he thought, everything would be in order. ------------------------------------------------------------ Willard Scott and Eric Idle slipped through the elegantly decorated corridors of Buckingham Palace, occasionally tripping over their nun's habits. They had gotten inside with a large group of real nuns, who were touring Buckingham Palace for some not-adequately-explored reason. "It's got to be down here somewhere," Willard hissed. "Couldn't we have just set up an appointment or something?" Eric replied. "Hsst!" Willard said. Prince Charles had suddenly and without warning emerged at the far end of the corridor and was rapidly walking towards them. "Hello, sisters," Charles said, in his usual stuffy accent. "Are you lost? You seem to be detached from your flock!" Charles tittered at his joke. "Hello," said Eric, slipping into his act. "Yes, we are rather lost, aren't we? We're looking for Princess Diana." "You are?" Charles asked, confused. "Funny thing, that. Di was just telling me she wished you'd go away, no offense, so she could disco again." "An exorcism!" Willard interjected, in a Minnie Mouse like voice. "She...uh...is concerned her children are possessed by the devil." "Odd," Charles said. "Saay, you aren't reporters, are you?" "Oh no, of course not," Eric replied. "Oh, goodie," Charles replied. "I'll take you straight to Di. You have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool the Prince of Dolphins." "You mean 'Prince of Wales'?" Eric inquired. "Er...yes, one of those aquatic creatures, I'm sure. Ah...here we are..." Charles opened the door to a stately room, where many stately pictures were hung, and many stately carvings and sculptures were displayed. "Diana!" Charles said, in what he imagined was an effective voice tone. "Stop that!" Diana jumped, and hit the magic marker behind her back. She stood in front of the bust of George III, so Charles couldn't see the 'details' she had added. "Charles, Charles, Charles," Diana said sweetly. "Next time you sneak up on me like that I'll make sure you need 'Depends' undergarments for the rest of your life. Who are these people?" "They've come to do the exorcism, dear, like you requested." "What exorcism?" Di asked. "The kids were exorcised just last month! Dear, even the anti-Elvis has a busy schedule, he can't repossess them that quickly." She stepped forward, peering at Eric and Willard more closely. "Say, these aren't nuns. They're really men in disguise." "They are?" Charles said. "Funny, they look like nuns to me." "They've got Adam's apples, silly," Di said. Willard gulped. "So they do," Charles replied. "Guard! Guard!" A guard appeared. "Take these two imposters to the local police garrison for questioning." The guard saluted and motioned Eric and Willard to leave. "Wait! Di!" Willard shouted, as he was being herded out. "It's me! Willard! Willard Scott!" "Stop," Diana said. "Let them stay." The guard was confused, but complied, and left. Charles looked utterly baffled, now. Eric and Willard pulled down their hoods, exposing their hair (or lack thereof). "So, Will, you finally came back. Twenty years and not a peep from you, and suddenly here you come, barging in, dressed like a nun. Why?" "I came here," Willard said, finally, "to talk about our son." "I see," Di replied. "So how is Rad? I hear he's doing well." Charles, stunned and horrified, took that moment to faint. WHAT WILL THE LONDON TABLOIDS MAKE OF *THIS*? IS SOMETHING ACTUALLY DEVELOPING WITH THE ROBERT SMITHS? WILL DR. SLEAZE ESCAPE THE NUN'S WRATH? WILL MR. NIELSON GET HIS SATELLITE DISH? ALL THIS AND GALAXY HUNTER ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 20 Nov 1990 22:16:21 Subject: Rad 55 part 1: Imperial Daze From: Eight Lives Down <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD 55: "Imperial Daze" by Gary W. Olson "And the Lord said unto them: Trieth a higher sunblock. It doth worketh for me." -The Book of Cal 11:11 Rad quivered as the starship shifted into overly-hyped space. Looking out the small porthole of the room in which he was hiding in, he saw an infinite grey, dull and not at all like the movies show it (which is why it's called "overly-hyped", see...). Every now and then, a black dot flitted past. The sound of voices turned him away from the hypnotizing yet incredibly dull view. Slithis and Benjen were argueing, as their voices grew close to the door. "Didn't we dump the booster fuel when we were landing on that silly planet?" Slithis asked. "Ow!" he followed up. "No, you dumped the beer, remember?" Benjen said. "The booster fuel is in the *other* tank." "Gee, no wonder I was sick so often on this tour," Slithis murmured. The door slid open and they walked in. Benjen strode straight to the large tank marked "booster fuel - not beer" and looked at an indicator. "Well, fortunately, you left us a half tank," he said after a moment. "More than enough to overtake the bozo who kidnapped the Lady Glum." Rad, from where he was hiding (behind an empty coat rack), watched them. He watched as Slithis tried to get one more sip from the booster fuel tank, and stifled a chuckle as Benjen bapped him again. After Slithis and Benjen managed to drag the booster fuel tank out of the holding room, Rad snuck out. He had recognized the trio as the three who had wanted to take Glum back to her native planet, the Capitol of the Ottsamaddawidu Empire. Problem was, the Electric Warrior, whose real name Rad recalled as Welsian Lo, had kidnapped Glum before they could, and had escaped the Earth. Thus, Rad snuck aboard the ship of Slithis, Benjen, and Jerriphrrt, hoping to catch up to the other ship before reaching Hottentot. Or something like that. The Bridge of the donut-shaped ship (not the glazed kind) happened to be the next room (it was not a big donut). It had a lot of television screens, a few computers here and there, an odd assortment of beer cans, and, inexplicably, a couple of Slim Whitman tapes. Slithis and Benjen were assisted by Jerriphrrt in attempting to lift the booster fuel take to the fuel port which, of course, was located near the ceiling, as per government safety regulations. The trio, meanwhile, seemed to be having problems lifting it off the ground. "Like, need help with that, alien dudes?" Rad said. The trio, who had lifted the booster fuel a whole inch off the ground, yelped in surprise dropped it, and spun around, not necessarily in that order. "How'd you get on board?" Jerriphrrt snarled. "Like, the door," Rad replied. "A likely story!" Jerriphrrt exclaimed. He raised a gun, only to see it knocked out of his hands and flattened against the wall by an invisible psychokinetic blast. "Er...I like it, I mean..." he added. "Please don't kill us, Mr. Incredibly-Well-Tanned-Superhero-Type- Sir," Slithis pleaded. "I have three kids to feed and two ex-wives to pay off." Benjen bapped him. "Ow!" Slithis predictably replied. "Well, dudes, what actions I, like, take will depend on, like, how quickly we rescue, like, Glum, like, y'know?" Hearing no answer, Rad walked over to the dropped booster fuel tank, and lifted it easily with his psychokinetic powers, pouring the fuel into the fuel port. Jerriphrrt's thoughts raced. If they didn't return with the Princess, they'd lose out on their reward, and would probably be killed for good measure. But if they brought back a hostile being, they'd probably be killed as well. If they didn't bring anyone back, the hostile being would probably kill him. Unless... "Okay, quickly now," he hissed at Benjen and Jerriphrrt. "Double velocity, and keep a tight eye on the Galatlas! Strap in...the inertial dampers can't handle it all!" Within seconds, everyone was strapped in. Jerriphrrt pressed a red button. The grey became even greyer. ------------------------------------------------------------- "A wedding?" asked Pyrene, Administrix Major of Andaria. "I thought that Princess of theirs had run off and killed herself." "Apparantly not," the Administrix Minor replied. "They even put Barry Manilow in deep freeze, in anticipation of this." "Major," a deep, heroic voice said. The A.M. turned to Elron, a tall, muscular, humanoid with a greenish tint to his skin. Beside him, a large red amorphous blob burbled. Together, Elron and the Crimson Blob were the champions of the Heyustarddedit Federation, of which Andaria was the capital planet. "Could this be tied in with the peace overtures Lady Wader made a while ago?" "Intelligence suggests so," Pyrene replied, looking at the supplemen tary report she was holding. "There is heavy suggestion that this event could be used as the springboard to patching up relations between the four major powers of this galaxy. The Dalans have announced they are sending diplomatic personnel to the event, but we've heard nothing from the Muuuahahahahans yet." "If it's true," the Blob burbled, "We can end the petty skirmishes and minor wars that have strained relations with our neighbors." "If it's false," Elron admonished, "We could topple the galaxy over the brink of madness, into a war that would destroy interstellar civilization." "Either way," Pyrene said, "it is imperative that we have repre- sentatives at the marriage/peace conference. Your mission, Elron and CB, is to go to Hottentot as our diplomatic representatives, and do what you can to foil whatever Wader or Threaydie or Ianonuthink is planning." "Can we save damsels in distress?" the Blob asked. "I'm sure you'll find a few," Pyrene assured the bright red patch. "There's always a few in these type plots." ------------------------------------------------------------- "A marriage?! A marriage?!?!" Dana Wader stormed, slicing up the messanger who had brought her the message, but being careful not to damage her invitation. "What is that shifty old fox Ianonuthink up to?" A cleaning squad came in, removed the dead bodies, and disappeared. She proceeded to read the invitation, focusing on the parts that hinted, heavily, that this meeting would also be a springboard for her to act on her earlier peace initiatives. Soon, the angry look disappeared from her face, and long sounds of evil laughter rang from the room into the hallway, making Paranoia start to whine again from where he sat, hunched in the corner. "Send out our acceptance!" she ordered a communications person, and turned to Paranoia. "Soon, my little paranoid friend, we'll be making good use of your unique abilities..." TO BE CONTINUED IN PART TWO THE NEXT... ========================================================================= Date: 20 Nov 1990 22:35:06 Subject: Rad 55 part 2: Imperial Daze From: Eight Lives Down <34EPWQL@CMUVM> Continued from part 1... "Marriage?" William said, scratching his head. "I don't get it, Thelma." "It's a human custom," Thelma replied. "Related to love but characterized by jealousy." "Ach, sounds nasty," William replied. "But that's not what I didn't get. Why is the Ottsamaddawidu Empire holding a marriage now?" "Says here it's the marriage of Princess Glum and Prince Manilow." "They found Glum?" William said. "How'd they do that?" "Doesn't say," Thelma replied. "But they heavily hint that this event will also be a forum for patching the differences between the four galactic superpowers. Heyustarddedit's sending a couple of reps, like us, but Dana Wader is coming personally, with just one attendant." "Hmmm...well, we'd best be getting over there," William said. "I... hold on, did you say Barry Manilow was a prince?" "I don't make it up, I just read it, hon," Thelma replied. "Gotta be a mistake. I'd sooner believe *Rad* was a prince than *that guy..." ------------------------------------------------------------- Charles sat in the commercial airliner, holding the flaps of his trenchcoat securely over his prominent ears. For the seventh time, he wished he had never allowed Di to talk him into this foolish trip. He watched Willard Scott settle back in the seat in front of him, talking animatedly with his psychologist, Eric Idle, about how Willard had realized that Lady Di was Rad's real mother. Apparantly, Charles gathered from the conversation, Willard had been working at 6 a.m on his gardening technique when he realized he was humming "Ain't no Mountain High Enough," which was, of course, an obvious reference to Europe, which has mountains. That the song was sung in English was an obvious reference to England, which, by no coincidence, has a lot of pubs, where a lot of Englishmen went, many of whom get very drunk and regurgitate their dinners, and then proceed to pass from this plane. Or no, wait, that wasn't what they said...they had said "upchuck and die" and had started laughing. Charles had heard the phrase before, and still didn't get it. Beside him, Diana forced herself to stop giggling. "Come on, Charles, this will be fun," she said. "Adventure, mystery, drama, all without being harassed by the media." "If we're caught, the London tabloids will have a field day with this..." "Oh, stop worrying, Charles," Di said. "I'm sure you and Joe will get along just splendidly." Charles groaned. ------------------------------------------------------------- Joe Moroboshi, or Rad as he was more popularly known, looked around the palace interior. After a spectacular chase, he, Slithis, Benjen, and Jerriphrrt had finally caught up to and tackled Welsian Lo. Unfortunately, this had occured in the throne room, where fifty or so Imperial guards had laser rifles leveled at them. Glum was in the midst of reviving. "Wh-where am I?" she said. Her eyes focused, on a face she had not seen in a long while. "Dad...is that...really you?" she said. "Yes, kitten," the roly-poly Emperor said, smiling. "It is me." Glum sat up. "How'd I get here, I--darling!" She flew over and tackle-hugged Rad, startling Ianonuthink and confusing the guards. "All right, enough of this pish-posh," Ianonuthink bellowed. "I recognize Welsian Lo as an agent of my Missing Persons bureau I sent out almost a year ago to retrieve Glum. And I recognize the civilian trio I ordered to retreive Glum when I learned she was alive. But who is this 'darling' person, the one with the tan?" "Power-enhanced native of Earth, your magesty," Welsian replied. "It is my belief that he was holding Glum captive during her stay on Earth." "He did not!" Glum raged. "I stayed with him because I loved him, and I stayed on Earth because I didn't want to marry that...that...Manilow person." "You'll marry Prince Manilow whether you like it or not, kitten," Ianonuthink thundered. "He's the only prince left you haven't turned down or put in the severe electrical shock ward. Now, which of you four gets the reward for bringing Glum in?" Welsian pointed to himself, and Jerriphrrt, Slithis and Benjen indicated themselves collectively. "Okay, now who's responsible for bringing that tan troublemaker in here?" Welsian pointed at Jerriphrrt, Slithis, and Benjen collectively; they all pointed at him. "Hmmmph. Well, I suppose there's no use argueing over it when we have to plan a wedding, so you'll have to divide the reward amongst yourselves. Think you can handle that?" All four were nodding vigerously. "Then get behind the guards! This could get ugly." Rad gulped. Fifty or so guards were leveling laser rifles at him, and he wasn't sure he could take them all. Suddenly he stopped. Among them was a very familiar, distinctly armored guard - Galaxy Hunter. Rad knew Glum had seen him as well. His opaque faceplate showed no emotion, but the Hunter looked reluctant nevertheless. "Please," Hunter said. "Step away from the Princess, sir. I give you my word no harm will come to you or her." Ianonuthink glared at Galaxy Hunter - he had been planning to fry the hero as soon as Glum had stepped away from him. So much for that plan. Hunter's following in the military was too strong to risk an open confrontation just yet. He signaled, and a large, pointy device was moved over Rad's head. "What will it be, kitten?" Ianonuthink said evenly. "Your 'darling', as you call him, or me? Step away and he will be transported by matter transference beam, operated by Galaxy Hunter, back to his home on Earth. Fail to step away, and the guards will have to kill this possible threat to the crown. They'll try to not hit you, but I can't guarantee their success..." "Father, I don't understand!" Glum exclaimed. "Why are you doing this? This isn't like you at all!" "I'm the Emperor," Ianonuthink replied. "I don't have to explain." Rad looked at the old, fat Emperor, sitting on the throne. He didn't appear to be the kind who would make such a risky challenge. Then he looked at the eyes. They were the same eyes he saw in his father, when he had been power-mad. The same eyes he had seen in Dr. Madhatter. The same eyes he had seen in his step-brother Kaoru. Rad knew the Emperor meant every crazy thing he said. There was no way he could face the guards, not now, now while Glum stood squarely in the crossfire. He had no idea whether or not his psychokinetic shields would hold against their alien weaponry, no idea how badly Glum might be injured if he made a stand. Rad spun Glum around and kissed her, a short, desperate goodbye. Before Glum could do or say anything, he psychokinetically pushed her several feet away. The guards, reacting to this, tightened their fingers on the triggers of their weapons. Energy crackled, and Rad disappeared seconds before the guards could fire. Then, all was again silent in the throne room. Glum stared for long seconds, then turned, walking regally towards the enterance to the east wing of the Palace, where her old quarters were located. On her way she stopped, turned, and glared at Galaxy Hunter. She started walking again, disappearing from the throne room into the darkness of the corridor beyond. WILL RAD FIND A WAY BACK? IS GLUM FATED TO A FATE WORSE THAN FATE? (WHAT?) IS GALAXY HUNTER IN DEEP TROUBLE? WILL DANA WADER SWITCH TO DECAFFEINATED? WHY DIDN'T WILLARD SCOTT JUST CONNECT DIANA ROSS WITH "AIN'T NO MOUNTAIN HIGH ENOUGH" INSTEAD OF THAT RIGAMAROLE WITH THE ENGLISHMEN AND PUBS AND ALL THAT? ALL THIS AND MAY THE BLUE SUEDE SHOES BE WITH YOU ON...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 27 Nov 1990 17:55:16 Subject: Rad 56: Ad Astra From: Eight Lives Down <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #56: "Ad Astra" by Gary W. Olson The brilliant Californian sun shone bright as ever that day. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, and the beaches were packed with beautiful, tanned people you'll never meet in your lifetime. Manny, sitting at the counter of his favorite tofu stand, wondered where Rad could be. "In the news today, the government lost track of the Nun on the Road, last seen driving into the Utah desert, chasing an evil-looking scientist type. Public reactions have ranged from 'good' to 'great'." Manny turned up the radio. "Lucky Louie McScum was found murdered today in another city. Police were baffled by the incident. 'I'm baffled' was the way the police captain put it. 'His luck ran out!' a violent maverick cop added. "Repeating today's top news story: Rad did not show up on any public or private beach on this day, the best tanning day of the year. He didn't not show up because he was doing heroish type things, though - rather he was seen moping about in the heart of downtown Los Angeles, wearing his shirt, even. Church attendance is up 5000 percent." Manny shut the radio off and sighed. Rad was not taking seperation from Glum very well. ------------------------------------------------------------- Rad decided to mope around the city some more. Not many people stopped him, though - they were discouraged when they saw Rad hang Rona Barrett from a lamppost. Say, Rad, you look depressed. "Like, does it show?" Er, kind of. The bags around your eyes and the decrease in your tan by a full factor tipped me off. "I, like, can't believe it, dude," Rad mumbled. "It's, like, over, dude. It's really over." He sniffed a bit more, and wandered aimlessly. Er, sorry to bother you, but there's someone who'd like to talk to you. "Like, yah? Where?" In this storefront over here. "Like, 'Mama Mia's Occult and Kitchen Remodeling Shop'"? Just go, so we can advance the plot. "Like, okay..." Rad opened the door. "Like, hello...is anybody, like, present, like, y'know?" "Velcome, dearie," a woman who looked like Mia Farrow said. Rad looked around the shop. He saw various occult items, like pentagrams and incense and old books filled with magikal spells, mixed randomly with sinks, faucet parts, curtain rods, tables, cabinets, and self-help guides. Mama Mia guided him into her spirit room, and sat him down in front of a kitchen cabinet which supported a large crystal ball, from which a tap extended. "Now, I charge $10 for standard..." Mia began. She was interrupted, though, as the lights dimmed dramatically, and weird lights flashed hither and yon. Then, quite calmly, the spirit of Elvis appeared above the table. ------------------------------------------------------------- Glum had managed to make it back to her extremely luxurious quarters before breaking into tears. Being that she was still a good ten minutes walk away from the bed (yes, the quarters were that spacious) she opted instead to flop down upon one of the nearby fluffy tiger-striped couches. "My lady," a gentle female voice called. "Are you all right?" Glum looked up but couldn't see anyone. "Who's...who's there?" she asked. "It's me, silly," the voice said. "GLADYS, your personal AI, remember?" "Oh, GLADYS!" Glum exclaimed. "Where are you?" In answer, a sleek, female-humanoid droid stepped out of a compartment in the wall. It wore a somewhat conservative dress, and had pale skin and long, flowing blonde hair. The only thing about her that looked mechanical were her eyes, which glowed a soft, solid green and had no pupils. "I'm sorry," Glum continued, after they had hugged. "I know you aren't fond of walking about as a droid..." "It's okay," GLADYS replied. "I've finally gotten the synth-flesh just right, and it doesn't rip anymore. Besides, you need to talk, and not to a flashing receptor in the wall." Glum giggled a bit. The next hours passed in a blur, as Glum related her adventures on Earth, how she had been discovered and brought back, and how Rad had had to go back to Earth to keep her from being "accidently" caught in the crossfire. "I don't understand," she finished. "Papa was always a little bit mad, but nothing like that." "Strange things are going on at the palace these days," GLADYS agreed. "Your father is listening to a Shadow Figure, whom I've been unable to identify. There's -- wait...someone is at the door." "Who is it?" Glum asked. "Galaxy Hunter," GLADYS said. "Should I retreat to the wall?" "No, it's all right," Glum said. "Let him in." The grand doors open and a tall, well-armored figure wearing an opaque facemask walked in. "Hello, Uncle," Glum said flatly. Galaxy Hunter looked startled. "Don't worry - GLADYS is feeding the bugs random dialogue loops, as always." GLADYS nodded. Galaxy Hunter reached up and removed his helmet. Shoulder-length brown hair tumbled out, and an older face with a receding hairline was exposed. "Er, what's wrong, Glum?" he said, somewhat confused at the cold look. "You know what's wrong, Uncle Ragna," Glum spat. "You pointed a laser rifle at my darling and forced him to leave." "If I hadn't done that he would have been killed," Ragna Rok replied. "You know that. At least now he has a chance." "A chance at what, uncle?" Glum accused. "Most eligible bachelor?" "Hardeharharlock is on his way to Earth," Ragna continued. "I don't know why, but he is. Rad may make it back here yet." "I thought you didn't trust Hardeharharlock..." GLADYS said. "We came to an...understanding, during the Wader affair this summer [see Galaxy Hunter v.2 1-4]..." Ragna said. "Events are reaching a critical point in this galaxy. All this scheming could erupt into galaxy-wide war. I'm fairly sure that's what Dana Wader, the most totally evil woman in the galaxy, wants. My brother's plans, though, are a mystery." "That was what we were discussing," GLADYS said. "Strange things have been happening at this palace. There's some indication that your brother, the Emperor Ianonuthink, has been mindwarped by person or persons unknown." Glum snapped her head around in surprise. "It could explain a lot of his recent behavior," Ragna said. "Ian's always been a little power-mad - hell, I was forced to fake my death in order to survive after I publicly opposed him - but this seems to be the work of a different mind." "Do you know who it is?" Glum asked. "No," Ragna replied. "I've got Starblazer following Welsian Lo, and Halapin Krisko watching Jerriphrrt, Slithis, and Benjen, though. Something will turn up soon." "Thanks, uncle," Glum said, finally hugging Galaxy Hunter. ------------------------------------------------------------- "Sir," Herb Villachez said to Richard Nixon. "Here he is." Behind Villachez was a short, black-armored man. "Hey, what am I doing hewe?" he said. "I thouwt that Gawaxy Huntew had killed me. And who awe you? Whewe's my wawyer? I--" "Level one," Nixon said calmly. Dark Wader went silent. Nixon turned to Badass. "Put this on," he said, holding out a small device. "With it, you'll be able to direct his actions and words." Badass took the device, and looked at it. "Why me?" he said. "You know my specialty, Dick. Firepower, and lots of it. I'm no mind-controller." "You signed a contract," Nixon said, smiling. "Check the fine print." Badass stayed silent for a while. Then he quietly slipped the device over his long donkey ear. The device glowed a bit, and seemed to disappear. "Nice camo, this has," he commented. He concentrated. Wader jerked, turned, and faced Nixon, who was smiling broadly. "I'wl do this..." Wader's voice came. "But I won't wike it. Wemembew that." Wader's gloved hand rose, and slowly extended a middle finger. Nixon stopped smiling. ------------------------------------------------------------- "Like, hey, Presley dude," Rad said. "Long time no see, eh?" The spirit of Elvis nodded. Mama Mia fainted. "Rad, I've come to you, I've come to talk to you, because you must fulfill your destiny..." "You mean, like, I've got to, like, guest host 'Regis and Kathi Lee'?" "No, dummy, the other destiny," Elvis said. "The one you don't know." "Will you, like, tell me, like, what it is, y'know?" "I can't do that," Elvis replied. "But you'll find out soon enough. A spaceship will be arriving at your beach house shortly. Go with it." "Er, why?" said Rad. "The galaxy is in great danger of plunging into a devastating civil war, one that not only would decimate the populations of the galaxy, but would advance the cause of the anti-Elvis, Michael J. Fox. You can prevent that from happening, Rad, but you leave quickly. No time to lose." "How will, like, I know, like, what to do?" "The first step is find the meaning of your visions..." "Well, like, all right, I guess," Rad said. "Anything is, like, better than, like, moping around here." "Good," Elvis smiled. "I'm proud of you, m'boy." The spirit of Elvis looked at his watch. "Hey, I'd better catch up to the Lost Author before he gets all shook up. So long..." Elvis faded from sight. Rad smiled and checked his belt. His tofu was gone! He frowned - had Elvis taken it? Leaving a $10 bill on the table for Mama Mia, Rad flew off into the afternoon sun. As he flew over the Los Angeles skyline, he noted that there were more zeppelins up that usual. With only one near collision, he managed to set down in front of his beach house. There was a familiar looking shuttle nearby. Rad walked in. "Greetings, Joe," said a cloaked figure, with a smiley-face and crossbones on his black tunic. The figure's hair draped over his right eye, and his left cheek was scarred. An eyepatch covered his left eye. "Hardeharharlock!" Rad exclaimed. "Like, hey, dude, like, how's it goin', like y'know? (And how do you, like, see in that getup?)" "I will explain later," Hardeharharlock said. "Has Elvis told you?" "Well, ya, dude," Rad said, puzzled. "How did you, like, know?" "He told me he would," Hardeharharlock explained. "Will you come?" "Well, yah, I guess," Rad said. "But I should prepare..." "Manny has already taken care of everything," Hardeharharlock said. "The one you call 'Max Vax' will be watching your properties while you are away." Rad and Hardeharharlock walked out of the house. "So, like, where are we going?" "We will be heading off to find The Sage, first," Hardeharharlock said. "After hearing what Kaneda Suhiro and Ran Mikoto had to say, I decided that would be the best first course of action." "Are they, like, going with us?" Rad asked. "They will," Hardeharharlock nodded, bumping into the shuttle. "Ow." He felt around a bit, finally locating the enterance ramp. "They are already on board the 'Video Arcadia' as is Manny. Two others also insist on accompanying us. They couldn't wait until you reached the 'Video...' Rad had just climbed into the shuttle when he was gang-tickled and thrown back into the row behind the pilot's seat. By the time Rad was able to sit up, his head was spinning from tickle overload. "Hi, Raddy!" said Key, the red-haired scantily-clad female on his left. "We're back!" squealed Yury, the black-haired scantily-clad female on his right. "This trip is going to be so much fun!" Hardeharharlock glanced at Rad, then turned his attention to piloting the shuttle. Rad smiled weakly. It was going to be a loooooong trip. Seconds after the shuttle disappeared into the sunlight, a taxi pulled up to the house. Prince Charles, Princess Diana, Willard Scott and Eric Idle emerged. They tried the door, but to no avail. "Bloody 'ell," Charles said. WILL HARDEHARHARLOCK EXPLAIN WHAT IS GOING ON AROUND HERE? WILL GALAXY HUNTER FIGURE OUT WHAT NIXON IS PLOTTING? WILL GLADYS DO SOMETHING ABOUT THOSE GLOWING GREEN EYES? WILL BADASS REQUEST A BALE OF HAY TO MUNCH ON? WILL THE WINAPRIZE MOVE NOW THAT QUIRK HAS BEAMED BACK UP? WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT THE ANTI-ELVIS? ALL THIS AND DOUBLETALK GALORE ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 30 Nov 1990 00:18:11 Subject: RAD 57: A Space Oddity From: Eight Lives Down <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #57: "A Space Oddity" by Gary W. Olson The shuttle arced over the shining blue and white face of the Earth. For a brief second, Rad had the impression that grand, dramatic things were happening down there, with grand conspiracies in action against fearsome, shadowy foes, happenings so vast that even the world's oldest beings were getting involved. Then, the shuttle docked in the Video Arcadia and Rad's thoughts shifted to tofu. "See?" Hardeharharlock said, standing up from the pilot's chair. "I can see, despite both my eyes being covered up by my hair and my eyepatch." He then promptly ran into the wall. "I meant to do that," he mumbled, and found the landing ramp. Rad, Key and Yury followed. "Welcome back, sir," La Brime, a tall, thin woman with long blonde hair, told Hardeharharlock. "I see you found him." "Yes," Hardeharharlock said. "I'm not the only one, though." He and La Brime looked over at Rad, who was now more or less resigned to having Key and Yury hanging off of his arms. Muttering something about male sexist authors, La Brime pressed a button, and an elevator appeared. They quickly reached the bridge of the Video Arcadia. It was a massive room, with large banks of computers and such. Crewmembers scurried around, preparing to leave the solar system. Toastiro, seeing them, waved. "You're back just in time, lads," he said. "Lt. Spot from the Winaprize sent over a case of scotch. Apparantly, that Capt. Quirk and his hand puppet finally beamed up, along with the rest of his crew." "Like, wow, dude," Rad said. "Did you, like, send anything to them? "Sure did," Toastiro said. "I sent Spot the last ten years worth of 'Popular Mechanics,' Sulu and Chakoff got a 'Nintendo', Quirk got a de-fuzzer for his Splock puppet, and McFly got some blood pressure medicine. Quirk says he's been having some problems." "I can imagine," Hardeharharlock said. "Are we ready to go?" "Just a few minutes more, cap'n," Toastiro said. "Good. Now, Rad, it's time to explain what's going on. Follow me." "Like, sure...say, like, where did Key and Yury, like, get to?" Everyone looked around. Finally they found Key and Yury, staring at Sean Connery, who was dramatically checking the 'Mr. Coffee'. Rad scratched his head in confusion. "I, like, don't get it," he said. "Acting!" called out Sean from the other side of the room. At any rate, Rad managed to make it to a small room adjoining the Bridge. He recognized the three people inside. The first he expected: his registered, fully-licensed sidekick Manny Seconds. "Hello, Moroboshi-san," was how Kaneda Suhiro, the CEO of Mitsubiggi Corporation (and, in his spare time, the 1000-foot 60's superhero 'Ultraguy'), greeted Rad. "Ah, my lord and liege, hail!" exclaimed Ran Mikoto. He bowed repeatedly at Rad's feet. Rad rolled his eyes. "Like, Mikoto-dude-san," Rad said. "Didn't we, like, go through this, like, last time. You don't, like, worship me, like, y'know?" "And I didn't, my liege, not for a long time since we last met [see Rad 36]," Mikoto said, as he forced himself to not bow. "But then, I began receiving the visions of large hordes of vastly well-tanned people soaking up the sun and listening to Jimi Hendrix music." "Like, whoah," Rad said, sitting down. "I have, like, been getting those same thoroughly excellent pictures inside my mind as well. Do you, like, get a rush of strength too?" "No, my liege," Mikoto said. "Often, it has felt like strength has been taken from me. Not much, but some." "Mitoko contacted me after the most recent of these visions, just yesterday," Suhiro cut in. "It sounded disturbingly like the Legend, so I contacted Hardeharharlock at once." "You mean," Manny said. "The legend where this saviour would be found at the time of the galaxy's greatest need, and that he'd either save the galaxy or bring it to destruction?" "Er, yeah, that one," Hardeharharlock said. "How did you come to learn of it?" "Glum told me," Manny said, not seeing Rad wince. "Around the time Rad first mentioned the vision, when he was wrestling against the Macho Thing." "Why didn't I, like, hear about it?" Rad asked. "Well, we were busy fighting FlatPhoot, and after that, you got pulled into the television dimension. After that we kinda forgot." "You think I'm, like, the saviour?" Rad said incredulously. "Well, it's possible," Hardeharharlock said. "The legend was really ambiguous on whether or not you'd succeed. Sounded like the ancients were hedging their bets a bit. At any rate, it seems they want you to find them." "Like, great," Rad enthused. "I, like, bet they throw great, like, toga parties. Where are they, like, at?" "That's the problem," Suhiro continued. "The legend doesn't say squat about where this 'Planet California' is. "Planet California?" asked Manny. "Yes," Suhiro said. "Even in the legend, the name is identical to your home state. It may be a crazy coincidence, or not. We don't know." "Like, don't get me wrong, like, y'know, or anything," Rad said. "But what is, like, your interest in, like, this 'Planet California'?" "Before I retired," Suhiro said. "I had a long career as Ultraguy. Most of my missions were on Earth, but some were in odd corners of the galaxy. Of course, this is when I struck up my friednship with Hardeharharlock. During one of my missions, I heard legends from several independent sources that all seemed to point to the existence of a race of superbly-tanned people that had a secret power, a power so vast that no army could stand against it." "I'm here," Hardeharharlock said. "Because I believe what Suhiro is saying. It may be our only real option of preventing galaxy-wide warfare." "Like, huh?" Rad replied. "Okay, basically it goes like this," said Hardeharharlock. For the next hour or so, Hardeharharlock explained the four galactic powers, their general dislike for each other, the bits with the peace overture and the wedding, how they think Dana Wader is plotting galactic destruction the strange way Ianonuthink is acting, etcetera. If you need a refresher read the past dozen or so Rads. Thank you. "Like, how does Elvis fit into all of this?" Rad asked. "We don't know," Hardeharharlock admitted. "We were nearing Earth when he popped onto our Bridge. He said something about the forces of the anti-Elvis and offered to convince you to come along with us to 'Planet California.' Then he disappeared, taking a whole box of jelly rolls with him." "So, if we can't find this 'Planet California,'" Manny said. "What do you plan to do?" "There's a man in this galaxy, who knows everything," Hardeharharloc said. "Absolutely everything. He's known as The Sage." "You, like, mean, like, the old guy in 'Groo the Wanderer'?" "No," Suhiro said. "Different guy entirely. Just as smart." Hours later, the Video Arcadia shifted into overly-hyped space, and was gone from this corner of the galaxy. ------------------------------------------------------------- Downtown Tokyo at night was glittering and alive with street samurai and burned-out console jockeys hanging out around those all- night wicker stores. They (those who had not already passed out or gotten deeply involved in a heated if wide-ranging discussion on the relative merits of wicker furniture) were surprised as one of the buildings nearby transformed into what looked like a giant robotic guardian. They were even more surprised when the robotic guardian rose into the night sky, without so much as a thruster blast. After the 1000-foot building/robot/whatever had disappeared, a lot of people turned to wicker to forget what they had just seen. Inside, Chalandra Harkness paced idly. She had expected to go into spells of weakness and strength as the Super-Doubletalk-Fortress-1 left Earth, but so far nothing was happening. Being the first vampire (that she knew of) to travel into space, little was known about the effects it had. So far, all it had done was make her vaguely irritable. While she paced, she thought back to how she had come to be on this "SDF-1", which she had previously only heard second-hand about from Manny. Max Vax had called her, and told her that the Royal Couple had popped by, inquiring about where Rad was. Max told them that Rad had gone off into space with a 'Hardeharharlock' fellow, and that Charles and Di were going to go to Japan to borrow the SDF-1 to follow. Max and Laura were invited to go along, and they accepted. Since Max knew that Horace was looking for a spaceship to get to his SpamWay Convention, Max invited her and Horace to come along. Chalandra accepted. But before she had hung up, she did something she regretted: she mentioned what the Robert Smiths had said about one of them having a vision of a vast multitude of spectacularly tanned people with Hendrix music in the background. According to Max, Rad had had the same vision three times at last count, and asked her to bring the Smiths along, on the theory that they might be able to help them locate where Rad had gone. The flight to Japan had been relatively uneventful, except for a particularly interesting bit when everyone on the plane went over the edge simultaneously, battering the Robert Smiths unconscious with their salted peanuts. Charles, Di, Willard and Eric had seemed somewhat edgy, as though they were carrying a secret, but she had a fair time talking with Max and Laura. They had had to fly all night, so Chalandra endured the weakness as best she could, slipping into a half-coffin for a few hours of sleep around mid-afternoon. It was early evening when Charles and Diana met with Prime Minister Kaifu. He was understandably reluctant to "loan out" Japan's primary means of defense against monsters like Godziller and Mike Polinski. Only when the Ito Twins, leaders of Japan's *other* underworld organizati the Jakuzi, insisted that he say yes did he do so. Apparantly, the Twin underworld rulers, each about the size of a Barbie doll, had photos of him in a variety of interesting poses with Barbara Bush. Grovel, who captained the SDF-1, eagerly accepted the mission to the far reaches of the universe. It pleased him greatly that he and his superiors would be light-years apart. At the last moment before liftoff, Grovel was told to accept three more passengers. Grumbling, he did so. They had turned out to be Rad's adoptive family, Kenshiro (stepfather), Shinobu (stepmother), Akane (step- sister) and Ho (stepuncle). At Ho's request, Chalandra brought them to the bridge of the SDF-1. The bridge was in chaos. Various people were running about, and a woman in a white suit was yelling into a vo-com unit. "No," screamed Leeza Hades. "For the millionth time, Lt. Hooter, Minutemaid is *not* in danger!" Ho strode briskly over to where Grovel was standing, lecturing Shammie and Kimbo on something or other. As Ho approached, Grovel's frown grew deeper. "Somehow, I knew I wouldn't be able to get away," he growled. "You know you couldn't run this rust-bucket without me," Ho replied. "Didn't that fiasco in Tokyo last spring teach you that? I was the principal engineer of this rustbucket, you know. I know this ship like you know cheap Russian accents!" "We'll discuss this later," Grovel said sharply, almost biting through his ever-present pipe. "We think we've got a fix on the direction." "You don't know their destination?" Chalandra asked. "Unfortunately, no," Grovel admitted. "All we can do is follow them, periodically unfolding into realspace and checking for them or a planet like those depressing Smith people were talking about. Now, get out of here, all of you. We're about to do the first fold." Turning away, Ho whispered "gee, what a grouch." Chalandra sighed. It was going to be a looooong trip. WHAT WILL THE SAGE TELL RAD? WILL THE SDF-1 EVER FIND THE VIDEO ARCADIA? HOW DOES ONE DRAMATICALLY CHECK A 'MR. COFFEE'? WILL THE PLOT EVER KICK INTO GEAR? IS SOMETHING *REALLY* GOING TO HAPPEN IN SFSTORY, OR IS THIS A TRICK OF SATAN T. LUCIFER JONES? WILL NICBBS REGURGITATE MORE SUPERGUY POSTS AT RANDOM? ALL THIS AND HE'S THE SAGE ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 06 Dec 1990 16:01:03 Subject: Rad 58 part 1: He's the Sage From: Eight Lives Down <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #58: "He's the Sage" by Gary W. Olson "And Gabriel looked upon them, and said unto the Lord, 'Bloody 'ell. They replace me with the bloody drummer, and now they're more commercially successful than I am. What gives?' And the Lord replied, 'Phil Collins isn't *that* bad, Pete. Give him a chance. Besides, you've got the critics eating out of your hand.' A smile then wrought itself upon Gabriel's features." -- The Book of Genesis The grand hall gleamed in it's golden splendor as the dignitaries began arriving. Emmissaries from the Dreamland Consortium chatted amiably with delegates from planet Utopia, occasionally disagreeing on hot topics like weasel breeding and just how bad Tom Selleck's hairpiece looks in any given movie. Felines from the planet Calico seemed to already be hitting the catnip heavily, and many in the crowd were thankful it wasn't shedding season. ABC programmers from the planet Fizzbooten were deciding on a new time slot for "Twin Peaks" with a rather convoluted quarter-bounce drinking game. And in one of the darker corners, the delegates from the planet Dalan and the represent- atives from the planet Andaria were holding a quiet conversation. "Unfortunately," said Pyrene, Administrix Major of planet Andaria, "Eldron and Crimson Blob had to be sent to Earth again, suddenly and without warning. So, the Administrix Minor and I have drafted ourselves as the official Heyustarddedit emissaries to this wedding." "I'm sure you'll do fine," said Thelma, taking a sip of a strange blue-tinted bubbly fluid. "It seems we have the same suspicions about the Lady Wader and her true motives beyond starting this peace process." "Right," Pyrene replied. "And what is Ianonuthink planning? This wedding came directly on the heels of Wader's peace initiative. Dana's not the only one with hidden plots. The style seems familiar, though...I wish I could place it." "How about neo-post-modern?" suggested the Administrix Minor. Pyrene frowned and bapped the Minor. "You're a diplomat, Shadzak, remember?" she said. "Should we try to contact the Princess Glum?" William asked. "An excellent suggestion!" Pyrene said. "You two have had prior adventures with her highness on Earth, so convincing her of our suspicion should not be a problem. Unfortunately, the Minor and I are highly recognizable, as the leaders of the Heyustarddedit Federation. I suspect you two would have more success in slipping past the guards covering the enterance to the east wing." "Then that's what we'll do," Thelma said. "We'll meet again, at the opening banquet." ------------------------------------------------------------- "We've arrived," said Hardeharharlock. "Whatchamacallit Station, Planet Krunch, in the Zagnutbar System, Milky Way Galaxy. The home of the Sage." "Like, most excellent, dude," Rad said. "Let's like, go, okay?" "Right," said Hardeharharlock. "Rad, Key, Yury and myself will be going over to the station to talk to the Sage. When we get back, *expect* you to have cleand up this place." Sean Connery, Ran Mikoto, Manny Seconds and Kaneda Suhiro hung their heads. "The bridge of a pirate ship is no place for a pie fight." Mikoto mumbled an apology. Sean dramatically licked some "Cool Whip" from his mustache. The four climbed out of the airlock into the outer airlock of the station. Despite it's age, the hull seemed to be holding the air in fairly well. They entered the station proper, and stopped to read a sign. "Keep going," it read. "The Sage can answer all of your questions! Really! He's a genius! Would I lie?" Eventually, they reached another airlock. "Push this button," read the crude graffiti sign, "and enter the glorious presence of the truly remarkable Sage!!" Rad pushed the button. They stepped through, allowing the door to close behind them. Another door opened in front of them. The Sage was seated in a tattered Barcalounger, working on some "Mickey's" and watching "Germany's Most Disturbing Home Videos." Looking up, he greeted them. "Hey, Rad, Hardeharharlock, what took ya so long?" he said. "Eh?" Hardeharharlock said. "How did you know we were coming?" "I'm the Sage!" he said. "I know *everything*!" "Like, okay," said Rad. "How, like, does BitNet operate?" "Operate, schmoperate," the Sage said. "The programmers were drunk out of their minds when the designed it. If it wasn't for m00sey intervention, it wouldn't work at all!" "Wow," said Key. "He's good." "Of course I am! I'm the Sage! I know *everything!*" "Wait a minute!" Yury said. "Aren't you--" "Yeah, yeah, the guy who played Vezzini in 'The Princess Bride.' Don't remind me, okay?" "--bald?" Yury finished. "Of course I'm not bald!" the Sage yelled. "I'm the Sage! Don't you think I know enough to get that 'Helsinki Formula' stuff?" The Sage's hairpiece, probably from the William Shatner collection, slipped a bit, but the Sage ignored it. "Now, what is your question?" "Er, like," Rad said. "Where is planet California?" "Planet California?" the Sage said. "Just go out that way." The Sage pointed in the general direction of his velvet Elvis portrait. "Hang a left at the fifth star system, and look for the constellation that looks sort of like a bottle of tanning lotion. Travel towards the center of it at sublight for about three hours and you're there." "Most excellent," Rad said. "That'll be fifteen bucks, please." "Most bogus," Rad said. Nevertheless, he paid the money. "Thank you," the Sage said. "Say -- where'd those babes go to?" There was a large explosion from another part of the station. Moments later, Key and Yury wandered back into the room, arguing. "How was *I* supposed to know the safety was off my Mark IX Mega- Kill Auto-fire Bazooka? I was just trying to get that Coke machine to work..." Yury was yelling at Key. "It's *not* our fault, sir!" Key said, seeing the Sage. "We've been manipulated by advertising..." "Advertising, schmadvertising," said the Sage, as he walked into the adjoining room to look at the remains of the Coke machine. It was little more than ashes now. What had been hidden behind it was now revealed. "I -- hey! I was wondering where that had gotten to." Rad and Hardeharharlock looked at it. It was a rather large hallway, leading to a series of airlocks. The station on that side looked much worse for wear than the station on this side. "What is it?" Hardeharharlock asked. "It's the link between the Superguy discussion and the SfStory discuss- ion. It's been a long time since I've been over there. Ever since Satan T. Lucifer Jones used his apathy weapon on the digest, it's been pretty quiet." "Who?" Rad asked. "No, Satan," corrected the Sage. "Nevermind that, though. It's time you be on your quest. "But first, I must give you some enigmatic, vague clues!" Rad looked at him suspiciously. "On the house," the Sage added. Rad relaxed. ------------------------------------------------------------- As you'll recall, in the last episode, Galaxy Hunter had sent Halapin Krisko, his occasional pilot when Starblazer was busy, to watch Slithis, Benjen, and Jerriphrrt. And he was watching them. In fact, he was drinking with them. "And *then*..." Jerriphrrt said, his words slurring slightly, "he asked, 'who brought this dangerous guy in here' or something like that, and we, get this, *pointed at Welsian Lo*! And he pointed at us..." "So," Halapin said, using one of his tentacles to pick up his mug of bass ale. "What are you going to do with your ocean of wealth?" "Well, we haven't really *gotten* it yet," Slithis said. "Some red tape that should be cleared up in a few days." "But they did give us these credit vouchers," Benjen said. "We won't have to worry about meals ever again." "Listen, guys," Halapin said. "I've known you for years. We went to the Space Academy together. We got kicked out together. We've been around the galaxy together. Did I keep our collective brain when you guys went out on that deep space tv signal collection tour and I didn't?" "Er..." Jerriphrrt said. "Howzzat?" "They aren't going to give you any money. Those vouchers are just so they can keep tabs on your whereabouts. You guys are just stooges that happened to be in the right place at the right time." "Now hey," Slithis began. "Are you jealous of our wealth? We rich people have to suffer this all the time, or so I'm told." Benjen bapped him. "Take a look at these," Krisko said. "Starblazer..." "Galaxy Hunter's droid?" Benjen said. "Yeah. Starblazer took these holos of Welsian Lo." "Geez, look at that," Jerriphrrt said. "A hoagie-class warship!" "It's his to command," Krisko said. "The pleasure fields of Sagistus?!?" exclaimed Slithis. "Geez, even my entire home planet doesn't have enough money to send me to there for a day. Say, what's that she's doing with his..." "Ahem!" Krisko said, taking back the photographs. "I trust my point has been made clear." "We've been duped," Benjen moaned. "In a nutshell, yes," Krisko said. "Well," Slithis said. "I always felt a little...guilty...about having kidnapped her highness." "Oh, me too, me too!" Jerriphrrt said. "But what do we do now?" "We could help the lady Glum escape again!" Benjen exclaimed. "Yeah!" Jerriphrrt said. "As long as we don't...(hic!) have to give up these credit vouchers." "Maybe we should talk to that G. Gordon Liddy guy," Slithis said. "Who?" asked Halapin Krisko. "No, Liddy. He's the guy who gave us the vouchers." "Isn't Liddy the guy who..." "Yeah, yeah, Watergate. I always wondered what happened to him after that. You would think they'd offer him roles in other tv shows, but outside of "Miami Vice", nada." "Let's go find him!" Jerriphrrt exclaimed. Slithis and Benjen, seeming to think this was some sort of a good idea, jumped up and raced out of the bar. Krisko, bewildered but not surprised, tried to follow, but was soon forced to admit that they had lost him. Sighing, he decided to report back to Galaxy Hunter, knowing Hunter wouldn't like this one bit. CONTINED IN RAD 58 PART 2, IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING! ========================================================================= Date: 06 Dec 1990 18:34:07 Subject: Rad 58 part 2: He's the Sage From: Eight Lives Down <34EPWQL@CMUVM> CONTINUED FROM PART 1... Willard Scott sat back in a pool chair and watched the others frolicing in the pool, playing a rousing if slightly eccentric game of volleyball. Prince Charles of Britain seemed to be having the most fun, although he seemed rather fond of "spiking" the ball. Kenshiro and Shinobu Moroboshi were playing a good game, as was Eric Idle, Max Vax and Laura Laffalot, and assorted crewmembers of the Super-Doubletalk-Fortress-1. Horace the golden dragon, owing to the fact his large wings and size would hinder the game, was acting as scorekeeper and referee. The two Robert Smiths, due to their immobility, were being used to hold up the net on each end. Willard looked around some more. Lt. Wreck Hooter and famous singer and nuisance Lynt Minutemaid were strolling past the pool. And Akane Moroboshi, the stepsister of Willard's son, Rad, was staring out a viewport into the cold reaches of space. "Pound for your thoughts," a female voice said. Willard looked up. "Diana," he smiled. "Please, join me." Princess Diana sat down in a pool chair next to Willard's. They spent several moments just watching what was going on. Finally, Di saw that Willard was looking at Akane. "She must be thinking of her stepbrother," she said finally. Willard chuckled a bit. "What's so funny?" "I was just thinking," he said. "She looks a lot like you did at that age. The hair's different, and the face is different, but the way she stands and her eyes..." "Oh, Willard," Di said, giggling. "That's not what I meant," Willard said quickly. "I was just indulging in some nostalgia..." "I remember how we met," Di said, smiling. "I had snuck out of the country on this blimp of sorts, having no idea where it would take me. I ended up in California, broke but not caring a bit. You were in town for the National Geriatrics Convention, and we met when I kidnapped you." "Ah, the memories," Willard said. "It was a good year." "So, you still haven't answered my question, Charles. Why did you leave me and baby Rad?" "I was scared," Willard said. "You were just twenty, and I was well into middle-age. Plus, Bryant Gumbel was blackmailing me." "A pity," Di replied. "After you left, I turned to wicker to relieve my troubles. Wicker tables, wicker lamps, wicker tv sets... the higher the wicker content, the better. Then I blacked out for a while -- too much wicker, I guess -- and woke up back in Britain. I found out later that I had abandoned Rad on the beach -- it was always his favorite place -- and that he had been adopted by a Japanese-American family named Moroboshi. They had good connections, so I decided to leave it alone and forget it. I almost did." "Have you told them yet, that you're Rad's real mother?" "You mean the Moroboshi's?" Di said. "No...I don't know where to begin, or how to start. I *abandoned* my son, Will...how do I explain that?" "You blacked out," Willard said. "Hell, I blacked out for over a decade, thanks to Dr. Madhatters madness rifle, and no one holds *that* against me." "Well, all you tried to do was ruin the U.S.'s weather, and obliterate Japan," Di said. "People understand *that*. How will they understand *this*?" "They will. But you've got to tell them." "I will. When I'm ready. But not before." ------------------------------------------------------------ Rad sat back on a dingy couch, occasionally fending off snuggle attempts from Key or Yury. "So, like, Sage dude, like, what are these, like, clues, like, y'know?" "Well, first," said the Sage. "The heart of the green beast beats stronger than the metal beast." "Okay..." Rad said. "Second," the Sage said, opening a can of Pabst as he spoke. "The secret of eternal happiness resides with the eternally depressed." "Like, wow," Rad said. "I, like, can make, like, no sense of these, like, clues." "Of course you can't!" the Sage said. "That's because you're not the Sage! I am! Anyway, your third and final clue is - the Tofu is the Way, and the Way is the Tofu." "Er...yah..." Rad said, now thoroughly confused. "Well, like, eye ya around, dude..." "Oy," the Sage said. "Kids, these days. Never stay still for a moment. Well, you go out and fulfill your destiny, my boy." The Sage watched Rad, Hardeharharlock, Key and Yury depart. He frowned, and turned to his velvet Elvis portrait. "So," he said, "you satisfied?" "I am," the portrait replied, it's lips seeming to move. "Things should move their course now, without any more interference on my part, at least for a while." "Good," the Sage said. "Where's the money you promised me?" "In your account," Elvis replied. The Sage checked it, and smiled. He turned to speak, but sensed that Elvis had departed from the velvet portrait of himself. Snorting, the Sage plopped back into his barcalounger and resumed his tv watching. He reached down for something on the small table beside him. Not finding it, he looked around. "I don't believe it," the Sage muttered. "He took my donuts...again!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Far away from the rec room, on the bridge of the Super-Doubletalk- Fortress-1, Ho Moroboshi and Captain Grovel were arguing...again. Leeza Hades was doing her best to ignore it and keep the bridge running smoothly. It was a difficult job, as the two moved about randomly and at great speeds, using various bridge items as props to demonstrate their points. Chalandra Harkness reclined in one of the empty seats next to the Captain's chair, her eyes unreadable as Ho and Grovel fought. "You're do *not* need to clean out the multi-transmulditudinal lascitating renoberators every time you fire the SDF-1's main cannon," Grovel insisted. "It can be safely done every four times." "Nonsense!" Ho shouted. "What about the buildup of erytymotic McCulture in the forward gastronomic capitulized framistats?" "Gentlemen!" Chalandra finally said. Perhaps it was the way she said it, or the odd way she was looking at them, as only a centuries-old vampire can. "While I have absolutely no idea what you're arguing about, this does explain why the 'D' stands for 'Doubletalk.' What's the real reason you dislike each other so much?" "I was going to be the Captain of this ship," Ho said. "I was the principal designer, after all. But Kaifu chose this military idiot over me. So I left government service and joined the faculty at Tokyo U." "Hmmmph," Grovel growled. "You left because you had a nervous breakdown. That was long before I was recruited." "Well, still -- " Ho began. "Enough of this," Chalandra hissed. "Moroboshi, Grovel, I want you to shake hands, and end this argument. The last thing we need are two children squabbling over who hurt who." "You should mind your elders," Ho said. "I'm over 300 years old," Chalandra said. "How about you?" Ho said nothing for a moment, then laughed aloud. "I like you!" he said. "You've got moxie, lady..." He turned to Grovel, who had extended his hand. At that moment, the ship was rocked with explosions. "What was that?" Grovel shouted. "Unknown, sir," Shammie said, from her control panel. "Large vessel, possibly a war vessel, warped out of overly-hyped space and attacked." They looked at the vessel on the screen. It was big, and bristled with guns, lasers, kill-o-zap rays, etcetera. "We're receiving a transmission, sir," Leeza Hades said. A voice crackled on the monitor. "This is General Nonsense, of the Muuuahahahah Empire battleship 'Obliterizer.' Board to and prepare to be heaved." "Doesn't he mean 'heave to and prepare to be boarded'?" Chalandra asked. "Nope," the voice said. "Just checking," Chalandra said. ------------------------------------------------------------ The great golden hall was a huge room. Shuttle busses constantly ran from one end to the other, and the ceiling was almost too far away to see with the naked eye. Nevertheless, a hush managed to fall over the entire hall and all it's delegates simultaneously as two people walked in. Their names were announced. "The Lady Dana Wader, Empress of the Muuuahahahah Empire and Most Totally Evil Woman in the Galaxy, and her retainer." The silence was replaced by a dull murmuring as the chrome-armored Dana swept into the hall proper, followed by her "retainer", a tall man wearing black robes, about ten gallons of sunscreen, and a large sun hat, looking around furtively at every exit in the hall, of which there were many. Eventually, the noise level in the hall returned to it's previous level, although it had a more subdued flavor to it. Mere moments after Dana and Paranoia had entered, they were confronted by Pyrene and Shadzak. "So, Lady Wader," Pyrene said. "We meet again." "The pleasures all mine, Pyrene dear..." Dana said charmingly. "You can have it," Pyrene said grimly. "Such the diplomat you are," Dana smiled. "Could you possibly be here because that you suspects I'm up to something?" "Since when have you *not* been up to something?" Shadzak asked. "Touche," Dana smiled, although the strain was showing. "I hope this doesn't mess up my bid for a fourth consecutive 'Most Evil' award this year (of course, it would have been six consecutive if it hadn't been for Leona Helmsly in '87)." "Somehow, I think not," Pyrene replied. "I thought as much. Oh, have I introduced my retainer? Paranoia, meet Pyrene and Shadzak, Administrix Totality of Andaria." "They want to kill me," Paranoia said. "They work for the CIA." Dana elbowed him. Paranoia stopped snivelling and extended a hand. After a second, Pyrene accepted it, while Shadzak watched blankly. A few seconds passed. Pyrene's face started to twitch. Her eyes began to grow wider, until they almost bulged out of their sockets. Increasingly, her face reflected fear. The Administrix Minor showed similar signs of discomfort. Finally, Pyrene broke free, and shouted "No! I'm surrounded! You're all out to get me! Flee!!" She and Shadzak broke from the great Hall at phenomenal speeds. Delegates looked at Wader suspiciously. "She forgot to set his VCR to record 'the Simpsons.'" she said. Most of them remained suspicious, but turned away. A few slipped out to set their VCRs. "So far, so bad," Dana whispered. "Ok, Ian...let's see your cards." ------------------------------------------------------------ Richard Nixon sat in his secret room, watching everything on banks of color monitors. Everything, that is, except whatever was going on in Glum's quarters. That confounding AI, GLADYS, had deflected all of his attempts to bug or monitor the place. It gave him an uneasy sensation. To make himself feel better, Richard Nixon decided to look at the soul-crystal that held Gorgax. It seemed to sing to him, telling him that what he was doing was right, and good. Sliding open the secret panel, he looked at the soul-crystal. It wasn't glowing. It wasn't pulsing with Gorgax's life-energy. Nixon stared for long moments, then looked around. Somehow, someway, Gorgax had escaped from the inescapable prison. Now, no one's plans were safe. WHAT WILL GORGAX DO? DOES THE SAGE *REALLY* KNOW EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW? IF SO, WHERE IS JIMMY HOFFA? WILL BENJEN, SLITHIS, AND JERRIPHRRT ONLY MAKE THINGS WORSE? WILL RAD FIND A WAY TO WORK ON HIS TAN? WILL THE AUTHOR RESIST THE TEMPATION TO RIP OFF DOUGLAS ADAMS, AND JUST STICK TO OCCASIONALLY RIPPING OFF MONTY PYTHON? WHY DID A FULL YEAR PASS BETWEEN CRIMSON BLOB EPISODES? DID EVERYONE NOTICE HOW SMOOTHLY I ADJUSTED MY STORY TO ACCOMODATE THE RETURN OF THE BLOB AUTHOR? ALL THIS AND BATTLES IN SPACE ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 10 Dec 1990 17:25:49 Subject: Rad 59, part 1: Escalation From: Eight Lives Down <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #59: "Escalation" by Gary W. Olson "Return fire!" bellowed Captain Grovel to his bridge crew. Instantly streams of light from the SDF-1's McCulture weapons arced into the side of the bulky Muuuahahahah Star Mutilator, slicing into it's shielding and impacting the hull. Hangar bays opened up, and small, sleek VeryNeat's streaked out, each piloted by an expert SDF-1 pilot. In the lead was Lt. Wreck Hooter's craft, which was engaged in a spectacular dogfight with a Muuuahahahahan BOWTIE-fighter. On the bridge Grovel gave orders as Ho shouted out updates. Chalandra, realizing she would be more hinderance than help at the moment, retreated to a dark corner of the bridge. The front viewscreen showed a VeryNeat fighter turning into a sort of robotic guardian, a humanoid mecha with added versatility and fire- power. Several of these mechanical sentinels sliced up the remains of the Muuuahahahahan fighter ship squadron, and advanced on the retreating 'Obliterizer'. It's defense net was inoperative, but Grovel didn't want to destroy it just yet. The VeryNeat's transformed again, into immensly powerful can openers. Without a second to spare, a large opening had been made in the hull of the Star Mutilator, a hole that the Super-Doubletalk-Fortress-1 now attached itself to. The few surviving crewmembers, among them General Nonsense, surrendered unhesitatingly. Ho and Chalandra downloaded the memory banks of the 'Obliterizer', and sent it crashing into a nearby sun, after removing themselves and their prisoners to the SDF-1. Hours passed, as the SDF repaired it's battered ship and Akane Moroboshi was delving into the stolen memory files. Most of it was standard information on the galaxy and it's inhabitants - stuff that would revolutionize Earth views on life in the galaxy - but that could wait. Finally, she found something. "Uncle," she called. Uncle Ho came over from where he had been and looked at the monitor. "A planet, matching the characteristics the Robert Smith twins gave, was charted by a small exploratory ship several years ago. No life was found on the planet, although they didn't land. They did, however, encounter 'a ferocious-looking beast, covered in green foliage, that flew past them in the depths of space.' What could they mean, uncle?" "I don't know," Ho replied. As he pondered, he watched Akane's hands fly across the keyboard, as the screen continued to flash information. She had proven to be a linguistics genius and a crack computer manipulato the best in her class at Tokyo University. Some thought she had been following in the footsteps of her brother Kaoru, and that was partially true - Kaoru had been a technical genius as well. But Kaoru had really been an agent of the Dalans, a race naturally versed in things technical and computerish, while Akane's skill was a comparative rarity. "I've found something else," Akane said. "A ship called the 'Video Arcadia' passed by this way in overly-hyped space a while ago, on it's way to Planet Krunch, in the Zagnutbar System, the home of a man only known as The Sage. Apparantly, the Muuuahahahahans intended to follow, but didn't when they learned that an Ottsamaddawidu Hoagie-class starship was already tracking them." "Any information on their current location?" asked Capt. Grovel. "Checking," Akane said. "They were last seen heading...towards the same planet that matches the Smiths description!" "What are the coordinates?" Ho asked hurriedly. "Let's see...128.174.213.200 4201..." "Prepare for space-fold," Capt. Grovel said into the intercom. ------------------------------------------------------------- The 'Video Arcadia' slashed through the grey fog of overly-hyped space, rushing toward a destiny even the tannest among them could not possibly imagine. Inside, Rad had sprawled out on a couch in the con- ference room, catching up on some sleep. The 'Video Arcadia' had a few guest quarters, but they were rather small and spartan; besides, Hardeharharlock expected to reach planet California relatively quickly. Vague, bizarre memories of the past, the present, and the future floated through his mind - a locus of destruction in the inkwell of the void, an endless ocean, Roseanne Barr assaulting She-Devil with her singing, a closeup of a chia pet, blurry images of a brown-haired woman/child running from him, Watergate, a tub of tofu, Godziller, the grey vastness of not-space, an iceberg, a giant Spam-creature, his first night with Glum, a million shards of glass raining down an electric rainbow, a woman with cold eyes laughing as her foot swung to his eyes, Burt Ward with a really bad sunburn, the Today Show, J. Danforth Quayle, Fantasy Island, images of Gordon Cole and Agent Cooper, green glowing eyes in darkness, Elvis singing "Don't be Cruel," Akane's face, a C.U.A. credit card, the way of the Fresmen, Key and Yury sneaking into the room, a mumbling high priest, Yury unwinding some duct tape, Key... Rad opened his eyes and knocked the duct tape away. "Hey!" said Key. "We thought you were asleep." "I, like, was having a vague, bizarre, but, like, ultimately meaningful nightmare," Rad said. "It was most post-modern, y'know? And, like, what were you two, like, doing, anyways?" "Who? Us?" said Key, a small halo popping up above her head. "Doing something? To you? With duct tape?" "Er, yah." "Maybe something," Yury said, "like this?" She leaned over and administered another of her quite frankly mind-blowing kisses, the kind that causes all the synapses in your brain to fire simultaneously, increases network ratings and topples major religions. Somehow, though, Rad gently pushed Yury away. Key immediately put her hand to Rad's forehead. "Nope, no high temperature," Key said. "It's not a rampant fever." "So, what gives, big Kahuna?" Yury asked. Rad blushed slightly. "I thought Glum and you had a mutual understanding..." "We did...do, like, I mean," he said. "It's just that, like, well, the way she looked at me, like, in horror, as I, like, pushed her away, before, like, Galaxy Hunter matterbeamed me, like, back to Earth. I, like, can't get that most heinous image from my mind." "So," said Key, "what you're saying is that your subconscious mind is persecuting you for doing what you thought you had to do at the time, and you fear deep down that any transgressions, mutual understanding or no, could drive her away forever." "Er, yah, I guess," Rad said. It sort of made sense, after all. "Then I have just the idea," Yury said. She produced a bottle from out of her skimpy outfit. "Grand-pa's 180-proof distilled Whiskey!" Rad sighed. For a brief, fleeting second, he thought he had actually communicated with them. Ah, the foolish optomism of youth. At that particular moment, one of the Fates put down her poker hand, leaned over, and guided Hardeharharlock's hand to push the red alert button. Of course, Hardeharharlock thought he was doing this of his own volition, but we pan-dimensional narrational entities know better. At any rate, Rad breathed a sigh of relief and flew out of the conference room, with Key and Yury following quickly. Manny Seconds, Rad's sidekick extraordinaire, was already there, and Ran Mikoto and Kaneda Suhiro were stepping off the turbolift. "What is, like, doin', dude?" Rad asked Manny. "There's an Ottsamaddawidu battleship firing on us," Manny replied. "Oh," Rad said. "Anything else?" "'American Chronicles' was cancelled." "Most bogus," Rad said. "Rad!" called out Hardeharharlock. "Take the starboard laser controls. That last barrage disabled the computer link." "Like, yah, ok," Rad said, wandering over to a large computer panel, Manny and Mikoto in tow. "Suhiro, I need you to transform into 'Ultraguy'." "But--" "I *know* the ship out there has a high special effects budget. But there's no time to lose!" Kaneda nodded at Hardeharharlock and returned to the turbolift. The 'Video Arcadia' was rocked with laser fire again. CONTINUED IN PART TWO, IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING... ========================================================================= Date: 10 Dec 1990 17:27:18 Subject: Rad 59, part 2: Escalation From: Eight Lives Down <34EPWQL@CMUVM> CONTINUED FROM PART 1... Glum had been surprised and amazed when William and Thelma pulled the tiger-skin veils from their faces. It had been William's idea to sneak in as palace servants. However, GLADYS, Glum's personal AI, had analyzed them to be Dalan agents, and Galaxy Hunter would have shot them then and there if Glum hadn't explained who they were. "I met them during the Dalan invasion of Earth," she explained. "They were just getting the hang of emotions then...by the way, you look cute in that uniform, William." William's cheeks turned a furious red - his "uniform" covered less acerage than Spiro T. Agnew's credibility. Thelma giggled a bit as William tried to hide behind the dinner cart. "Enough," Galaxy Hunter said, his opaque facemask down. "I recognize them - they were leaders in the Dalan uprising, but rejected high government positions when the new government formed. Why are you here now?" "Pyrene thought of it," Thelma said. "We had to contact you and tell you of our suspicions regarding Lady Dana Wader's true motives." "We've been suspecting pretty much the same thing," Glum said. "We also think my father's planning something." "We thought so as well," William said. "Do you know what that is?" "No," Glum said, "but Un...Galaxy Hunter and I are going to sneak out tonight and do some snooping." "Perhaps we can help," said William. "Thanks," Galaxy Hunter said. "But the throne chambers are heavily guarded, and if they caught you two there it would be a major diplomatic distaster. Perhaps, though, if you spied on Lady Wader..." "Yes, that would work," Thelma replied. "Will you be at the banquet tonight?" Glum and Galaxy Hunter nodded. GLADYS simply stared, her brilliant emerald eyes giving them the creeps. ------------------------------------------------------------- "Wakey wakey, Pyrene dear," Dana Wader said charmingly. Pyrene's eyelids fluttered open. She realized she was in a Muuuahahahah vessel, probably the shuttle Dana had come in on. Struggling, she found herself strapped to a table. Across from her, the Administrix Minor, Shadzak, was also strapped firmly down, unconscious. "You'll never get away with this," Pyrene said. "Oh, come now," Wader said. "Surely you can come up with a better line than that, dear. People like you are why us evil folk are such fun." "I'll rip your tongue out and feed it to the vermin!" Pyrene screeched. "A bit better, dear," Dana said with a critic's impartial disdain. "You'll have to put a little more conviction in it if you want a place in *my* storyline." "*Your* storyline?" Pyrene said, confused. No one noticed as the tall, black-robed sun-hatted man behind Dana spasmed furiously for a moment, then stood tall and silent. "That's right, hon," Dana said. "I paid one of the Superguy authors to refer to this as my storyline." Pyrene glared at her. "I'm evil, remember? I get to do these things. Anyway, I don't have more time to chat. I've got to get back to the Great Hall." "We'll be missed at the banquet," Pyrene declared. "Oh, you'll be there," Dana said, smiling. "After Paranoia drives you stark raving mad and imprints our mindwarp templates on your brain. Don't struggle like that, dear...strap marks are unbecoming a world leader." Laughing evilly, she departed. Paranoia crept closer. "I recognize you," Pyrene said. "We have intelligence files on all unusually-powered beings in the galaxy. I'll have you know I'm conditioned against artificial paranoia inducement." "Wonderful," Paranoia replied in an odd voice. "Too bad my specs have changed. Or have you forgotten Gorgax so soon?" Dana Wader paused a moment, to listen to Pyrene's screams of terror. "My, my, dear," she said. "What a lovely scream you have." She exited her shuttle, and the screams died with the closing of the hatch. ------------------------------------------------------------- Welsian Lo ordered the gunner to fire again. This was more like it! For twenty years, he had dreamed of commanding a Hoagie-class starship. Unfortunately, due to an accident involving a general's daughter and Bryl-Cream, his career had been sidetracked into the Imperial Missing Persons Bureau. Nevertheless, he bided his time, and when he was asked what he wanted, along with oceans of wealth, for bringing Glum back to Hottentot, he unhesitatingly requested his own ship. He had gotten a prime assignment as well: track down Hardeharharlock and eliminate him. Nixon, still smarting from the 'Death Star' incident from the past summer, didn't want Hardeharharlock around to muck up any carefully laid plans. Fortunately, he had found the 'Video Arcadia' quickly, and triangulated it's eventual destination - an uncharted, deserted planet in the Vega Suzanne system. He waited for them there, and sure enough, they showed up. Now, his ship was hailing laser fire on the VA. It was returning fire and doing some damage, but nothing that couldn't be repaired, eventually. "Sir!" an adjutant said. "We've detected someone exiting one of the Video Arcadia's airlocks." "So?" Welsian Lo replied. "Why do you bother me with this trivia?" The adjutant gulped. "The figure has grown to over a thousand feet in height and has acquired a silvery metal skin." "Ultraguy?" Welsian said. "Here? Did he get an increase in his special effects budget?" "Not that we know of, sir," the adjutant said. "Very well, concentrate fire on him." "But sir, the Video Arcadia..." "Isn't strong enough to take us," Welsian finished. "Once we've killed Ultraguy, we'll --" the whole ship was rocked with explosions. "Sir!" another adjutant said. "A large ship, over a thousand feet in length, just folded out of overly-hyped space and is attacking us from the port side." The bridge shook again as Ultraguy blasticated the starboard side with his microlaser ray. Laser bolts danced like crazed teenagers over the hull of the ship. "Fire all weapons!" ordered Welsian Lo. The adjutants hastened to comply. A locus of destruction blossomed from the outnumbered Hoagie- class starship, impacting on the SDF-1, the Video Arcadia and Ultraguy. When it faded, Welsian Lo demanded a status report. "The Video Arcadia and the unknown ship have both crash-landed on the planet below," an adjutant reported. "Damage analysis indicates a 97.2% chance that all aboard were killed. Ultraguy also fell to the planet, and looks to be out of action." "We'd better go down and make sure," Welsian said. "Sir, we've lost structural integrity," still another adjutant reported. "Plus, our number three beer vat has been holed." Welsian pondered. "Ok, let's head back then. Even if they've somehow survived, they're not going anywhere." The lumbering, wounded ship turned slowly and limped out of the system. WILL ANYONE SURVIVE? IS THE PLANET REALLY DESERTED? WILL GORGAX BEAT OUT DANA WADER FOR 'MOST EVIL, 1990'? DOES ANYONE REMEMBER THE LAST RAD EPISODE WHICH CAME OUT JUST LAST THURSDAY, ALTHOUGH IT SEEMS LIKE AN ETERNITY AGO? HAS ANYONE CAUGHT ON YET TO WHAT I'M TRYING TO PULL OFF? ALL THE CLUES ARE THERE, GUYS 'N GALS, STARING YOU IN THE FACE... ON THE NEXT...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 14 Dec 1990 16:54:53 Subject: Rad 60, part 1 From: Eight Lives Down <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #60: "The Times, They Are A'Changin'" by Gary W. "I'm still more prolific than Bill Paul" Olson Two glowing suns beat down their light upon the sands. The grains were stirred with a slight breeze. The wily poodles, indiginous inhabitants of this stretch of desert, were huddled away in shady places, awaiting night. Sunlight glinted off the twisted metal hulks that had abruptly fallen from the heavens that day, demolishing fourty or so sand dunes and at least five not-so-wily poodles. The roar of the crash had echoed into the distance, leaving the wind to itself. That lasted for a short time, until it was replaced by the sounds of a small fleet of dune buggies, rolling over and around the sand dunes, leaving a trail of beer cans and kiwi pizza in it's wake. The poodles would eat well tonight. Apparantly, they noticed the twisted metal hulks (they were quite big, and glinted a lot), for they effected a turn with the racing precision of Don Knotts. The occupants of the dune buggies immediately jumped out and scurried towards the wreckage. "Hey, dude," one of them, a very well-tanned male, said. "Like, this is most incredibly, like, radical, like, y'know?" "Like, I know, wow," a very well-tanned female said. "Maybe I should call, like, Rhonda, cuz I just know she'd luuuuv this, like, I mean..." "Like, dudes!" still another called out, from inside one of the twisted metal hulks. "There's like, some, like, people in here, like, y'know. And they're, like, most alive, sort of like..." "Wow, man..." the first dude said. "Let me see..." He saw. "Like, how most totally tubular, like, wow, y'know? They must have, like, been guided by, like, the Savior, like, y'know..." "Hey...like, look who I, like, found!" another called out. The small group of very well-tanned dudes and dudettes gathered around the barely-alive form of one spectacularly, beyond-belief tanned dude. "That tan, is, like, truly awesome," said one of them reverently. "Do you, like, think he's..." another asked. "Only, like, one way to find out," another said. "We, like, have to, like, get a medflight here, like, y'know?" ------------------------------------------------------------- Slithis, Benjen and Jerriphrrt hid noiselessly in the closet. Or, at least, they tried to. "Hey, you're stepping on my tail!" Jerriphrrt hissed. "Slithis pushed me," Benjen protested. "Ssssh!" Slithis whispered. "Here he comes!" "What?" Jerriphrrt said. "Sssss!" Slithis shouted. "Here he comes!" "Don't yell," Jerriphrrt replied. "Do you want him to hear us?" G. Gordon Liddy entered his office a moment later, followed by a short guy our trio recognized as being Tatoo from Fantasy Island (this is *not* a crossover to the tv dimension, but in actuality an out-of-work Herb Villachez), followed by Barry Manilow. The door closed. "The boss wants to know how our helpers are doing," Herb said to Liddy. "I just received word from Welsian Lo," he replied. "He managed to wreck the 'Video Arcadia', possibly for good." "The boss will be most pleased about this," Herb replied. "That was one of his fantasies." "Er, excuse me," Barry Manilow said. "But when do I get to marry this princess of yours? It's been over a week now." "Actually, Mr. Manilow, you have been here over a year now, mostly in suspended animation," Liddy said. "But don't worry, the wedding will be taking place shortly. And with that, the riches of Dimension Bland will be ours...youch!" That last came as Herb kicked Liddy in the shin. "Don't mention Dimension Bland in front of the hired help," Herb said. "Sorry," Liddy said. "Excuse me?" Manilow said. "I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. Had a 'grape-nut' stuck in my teeth." "We should go give the boss the good news," Herb said. They all left. "A conspiracy!" enthused Benjen. "Now, c'mon," Jerriphrrt said. "We've got to follow them - but quietly now, you here?" "Yeah, be quiet," Slithis said to Benjen. Benjen bapped Slithis. ------------------------------------------------------------- Rad's awesomely-tanned eyelids fluttered open, and he looked up at three incredibly tanned babes. "Like, whoah," he said. "Excellent..." "Like, cool," one of them, a firey redhead who seemed to be wearing a bizarre combination between a doctor's robe and a french cut bikini, said. "They're, like, awake," another said. "Can we go back to volleyball?" The two people who had entered nodded. The babes giggled, shucked their doctor's coats, and ran out. Rad noticed that the people, one male, one female, had the most totally spectacular tans he had ever seen outside of his own. "Like, hiya, cutie," the female said. "I'm Buffy, MegaBabe Prime of planet California. This here is, like, Dino, like, MegaDude Prime." "Hey, major awesome type dudes," Rad said. "I'm, like, Joe, like, y'know, but everyone calls me, like, Rad, like, y'know?" "It's him!" exclaimed Buffy. "I knew it, like, right?" "Like, yah," Dino said. "Scan, like, confirms he has a, like, tan of magnitude twenty. A truly godlike plateau of tannitude, dude." "So, like, how did I survive that, like, most heinous crash there, like, y'know?" said Rad. "Well, dude," Buffy replied, "a roving bunch of radical dudes found you and your friends in, like, the wreck, and called us. So you were, like, brought back, where our most totally qualified medical dudes used their, like, healing machine to, like, heal you dudes." "Healing machine?" asked Rad. "Yah," Buffy said. "Just put tofu in one end, and healing rays come out the other end. "Radical, dude," Rad said. "Say, like, could you, like, take me to where my, like, friends are?" "Like yah," Dino said. ------------------------------------------------------------- The opulant Grand Hall of the Imperial Palace of planet Hottentot, capitol of the star-spanning Ottsamaddawidu Empire, was almost filled to capacity (it's floor space, that is - most of it's airspace was open, except for the Parakeet People of Pollyus IV, who seemed to insist on fluttering about at 100 or so feet up in the air). William and Thelma waited impatiently. They had managed to arrange seats by the Heyustarddedit delegates, Pyrene and Shadzak. It was confusing, as, unlike Eldron and the Crimson Blob, Pyrene and Shadzak were actually fairly good diplomats. They saw Dana Wader, chatting with the representatives from the Dreamland Consortium, although they looked as if they'd rather be forced to read a Judy Blume novel at gunpoint. Paranoia, her 'retainer' wasn't with her, which was unusual, and highly suspicious. A largish cloud of smoke rolled slowly by. The distinct sound of "Truckin'" was heard, along with some "ganja" music. People on the edge of the cloud seemed to reel and get this really groovy look in their eyes. The occasional love bead rolled out of the cloud. "Those must be the delegates from Planet X," Thelma said. William nodded. Finally, the Emperor's Viceroy, Roy, entered and bid everyone to be seated. This took a mere half hour (the seating, not the bidding). Lightning quick server droids brought out incredible amounts of delicious royal type food. "Look at all this," William said. "It's inefficient to make so much." "This is just the appetizer," Thelma said. "The main course is yet to come. Where are Pyrene and Shadzak, though?" A couple hours later, the appetizer was finished, and the main course was brought out. Before anyone could start eating, Roy made another announcement. "All please stand, in honor of our most glorious Emperor, Ianonuthink!" There was a lot of standing and polite applause as the old, portly Emperor entered the grand hall, looking more regal than he ever had since Tuesday. He plopped himself down, with ceremonious pomp, at the far far end of the loooong table (several at the other end needed a small observatory just to see him), and belched most regally. "Er," said Roy, who had hoped the Emperor would make a speech or something nice and Emperorish and all that. "The Emperor commends you on your presence here tonight, in celebration of peace and matrimony. You may be seated and commence eating." "Not so fast!" a less-than-commanding voice said. "Whewe's my seat?" Although the voice wasn't particularly awe-inspiring, everyone recognized it and turned around in fear. "Ah!" Dark Wader, the most totally evil man in the galaxy. "Wank you, aw. I see my wife has saved my seat fow me..." The donkey-like humanoid behind Dark Wader remained silent, but seemed to frown a bit. The room was totally silent as the sound of a chair being pushed back echoed it's lonely way through the Great Hall. Thousands of heads turned to look at Dana Wader, the most totally evil woman in the galaxy, who looked *really ticked off* at the moment. "You're not dead?" she said, sounding utterly disappointed. "Nope!" Dark replied, apparantly ignoring her anger entirely. Thousands of heads turned towards the short, black-armored guy. if you'll excuthe me, I think I'll have some of that pot woast..." Thousands of heads turned back to Dana. It was beginning to resemble Wimbledon, sort of. Dana Wader marched up to her erstwhile husband, Dark, bent down, and looked him in the eye. "Then *where* *have* *you* *been* for the last six months?" Dana asked. "And who is this ugly long-eared guy?" "This is Badass," Dark said. "My new bodyguawd. Ath for whewe I've been, I've been a captife of the Heyustawwdedit Fedewation. I just wecently escaped." Thousands of heads turned to where Pyrene and Shadzak should have been sitting, only to find their seats empty. "Hello," Dana said courteously. Badass nodded his head in reply. Dana then grabbed Dark by the throat and slammed him to the ground, causing the floor below to crack most excitingly. "You think you can just waltz in here and kick me out?" Dana said. "You're lucky I don't disembowel you right here and now." The crowd watched in shock, but much anticipation. This was much more fun than Tyson vs. Stewart, even if it was analogous. "Doll, don't try it," Badass said. Dana looked up, into the barrel of a Kelvan Mark II Assault Rifle, and a Pakonic Nerve Disruptor (industrial strength). "Don't even think it." Dana stared for a while, then loosened her grasp on Dark's neck. She allowed him to stand. "Thewe," Dark said. "You showed hew." "Not quite, 'husband'," Dana said. "I'm the ruler of the Muuuahahahah Empire, whether you're alive or not. But until such a time as we can discuss this...sans interference, I will allow you to join my party as co-delegate for the Muuuahahahahans." "Oh, vewy well," Dark said. "As lowng as I can get dat pot woast." "And you," Dana said, looking at Badass. "You're a cool customer, if I've ever met one. I salute you." She raised her hand to her forehead in a military salute, her eyes fixed on Badass' eyes. Then, in a blurry flash, she brought her hand down on Badass' weapons. Badass, surprised, tried to fire, and was even more surprised when, instead of firing, the weapons fell apart in several pieces on the floor. He saw the edge of a laser-tipped razor blink out on Dana's gloved fist. "Just don't try that again," she said darkly. The crowd sighed in relief (and a small shade of disappointment) that no blood had been spilled. Dark Wader sat down, with Dana Wader sitting alongside and Badass standing behind Dark. William and Thelma wondered again where Pyrene and Shadzak were. CONTINUED IN PART TWO IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING... ========================================================================= Date: 14 Dec 1990 17:05:08 Subject: Rad 60, part 2 From: Eight Lives Down <34EPWQL@CMUVM> CONTINUED FROM PART ONE... Hardeharharlock looked up as Rad entered. "It's about time you came around," he said. "We were all wondering about you." "Like, thanks, dude," Rad said. "Have you met Buffy and Dino yet?" "I have," he said. "Have they told you about this planet?" They had indeed. Planet California was the embodiment of all that is truly Californian in life. It consisted mostly of beaches, swimming pools, tofu huts, tanning parlors, beach houses, and overpriced luxury hotels - at least, the populated parts did. The continent they had crash landed on, Los Angeles, was partially desert and partially jungle. Another major continent, San Francisco, was actually a huge mountain range that jutted out of the ocean, and had the largest population, not to mention the most bridges. The third continent, Fresno, was largely a desert, and mostly uninhabited, except by the tofu miners and the desert nomads called "Fresmen". Still, California had close to a half billion human residents, all of whom had excellent tans. The government was small - in fact, Buffy and Dino were the only members. Their only official function appeared to be to say the official "party on, dudes" at major bashes. Rad had toured the local beaches with them, and had been impressed by the mega-babes he had seen and the vast tans he had witnessed. Everywhere he went, people were incredibly cool, playing Hendrix music, mixed with some Doors and the occasional early Clapton tune, and offering him an interesting variety of substances of an illicit nature. That was what slowed him down the most. Finally, though, they had made it to this building, which looked to Rad to be a temple of sorts. Buffy had told him all would be explained by the monks inside, and that his friends were there as well. Explaining that they had to go judge a wet t-shirt contest, Buffy and Dino excused themselves. Hardeharharlock guided Rad inside the temple. The moment he was inside, a pair of hands clasped over his eyes. A female voice said, "Guess who?" "Akane?" Rad said. "Like, is that you?" He whirled about and embraced his stepsister, almost swinging her off her feet. "Like, how did you, like, get here?" "You might want to ask them," Akane said. "Dad! Mom!" Rad said. They embraced in one of those familial deals. "Joey, my boy," Shinobu Moroboshi said. "Didn't I *tell* you to be more careful, and fight something nice like 70s nostalgia?" "Hey, boy," Uncle Ho said. "What about me?" "Hey, Uncle dude," Rad said. "Was it, like, you who brought 'em here?" "Well," Ho said. "The SDF-1 brought us here. You can thank the Royal Couple over there - it was their influence that got Kaifu to let us borrow it. Hope he doesn't mind the dents." "Hello, Joe!" said Prince Charles. "Quite a royally splendid day, I must say. Care to join me for a spot of tea? Oh, Di wants to tell you something." "Oh, yah?" Rad said. "Like, hi, your royal beauteousness." "Hi," Diana said. She tried to go on, but the words seemed to stick in her throat. It was a fatal hesitation - Rad has the attention span of an intoxicated mosquito. "Willard...er, dad!" Rad exclaimed, and hugged his biological father. Willard Scott smiled and hugged his son back. "Like, say guys, now I know how you got here, but how, like, did you know where, like, I was?" "We didn't," Max Vax said. He was in his armor, and appeared to be working on some sort of laboratory in the center of the large room. "We were following your last known course, and encountered a Muuuahahahahan Star Mutilator. We beat it pretty handily, and learned from it's data banks that you were on your way here, and that an Ottsamaddawidu Hoagie- class starship was waiting for you, so we got there as quickly as we could. But...that ship packs quite a punch, as you can tell." "Max, be careful," his fiance, Laura Laffalot, said. "Just because you're a technological genius doesn't mean you know everything." "It's just a matter transference beam," Max said. "These guys don't know how to fix it, and it could come in handy. Now, just one more connection..." In an abrupt flash of light, Max, Laura, and the armor disappeared. Rad recognized the flash of light. "Like, whoah," he said. "They fixed it. But, like, where are they?" "According to the readout, they're back on Earth, in front of Max's home. Max must have set that location as sample data while he was fixing it. At least we know it works now." The machine suddenly sparked, fizzed, and generally fell apart. "Or not," he added. "They should be okay, and at home. But we won't be able to get them back here, not with this." "Right," Rad said. "So, like, where were we?" "It turned out," a largeish golden dragon, who had earlier introduced himself as Horace, "that the Robert Smith twins here had visions similar to yours, so we rushed out here to see if we could help you." "Hi," one of the Robert Smiths said. "I'm depressed," the other one said. Rad smiled weakly. "That's not the proper sequence of events," Eric Idle protested, but to no avail, as everyone looked around (except Chalandra Harkness, who was in a coffin, as it was daytime) as a large group of monks entered Well, sort of monks. They wore hoods over their heads, at least, even if they only wore bathing suits elsewhere. La Brime and Toastiro looked about in confusion. Sean Connery looked about dramatically in confusion. Kaneda Suhiro chuckled, and Key and Yury giggled. "Dude..." Rad began. "I know what you are going to say," Ran Mikoto, dressed as the head monk, said. "Please, let me explain! There is much you must know to prepare for your destiny as Savior of the Galaxy!" Manny Seconds, upon hearing this, cracked up. Rad sighed. ------------------------------------------------------------ Fido Doberman slumped in his Captain's chair. The last six months had been incredibly boring, commanding a deep space armada with no one to attack. "This galaxy is going to the humans," he mumbled to himself, his tail drooping. "Sir!" his communications officer, a demure Calican, purred. Fido winced. He hated cats, even shapely ones like his communications officer "I have a communication from HeyustarFleet Command, priority one-a-right- now-read-this-you-twit," she purred. Fido fetched the printout and read it. He smiled, as much as dog people can smile. "Excellent," he said. "The entire Heyustarddedit military fleet has been put on maximum alert. "It appears our ambassador to the peace conference/marriage have been abducted. The Acting Administrix Major suspects the Muuuahahahahans or the Dalans. Should any enemy vessel fire upon us, we are cleared to savagely obliterize them." ------------------------------------------------------------- It took approximately fifteen minutes for Rad to finally relent and let Ran Mikoto tell him whatever he had to tell him. "Thousands of years ago," Mikoto said. "This planet was settled by a small group of colonists, picked up by Ancient Astronauts." "You mean 'Chariots of the Gods' type Astronauts?" asked Kenshiro. "Well, actually, it was John Glenn and Neil Armstrong, but that's not important. The colony struggled in this harsh environment, where everything that wasn't ocean was mostly desert, except for the jungles. It wasn't until they experienced the Way of the Tofu that they truly became Californians. "One of our continents, a barren, foreboding place we call 'Fresno', contains tons upon tons of tofu, buried under the sands. Our ancestors, assisted by the Gods, mined the tofu, and developed the thoroughly excellent culture you see around you today. The Tofu allows us to commune with our true selves, and the universe in and around us. Our memories past and future are laid open to us, and we become one with the cosmos. That, and it comes in a lot of great flavors. "Then, the Crisis on Infinite Californias happened, causing clouds to form in the sky and really ruin just a great week of tanning. The Anti-Elvis rewrote our continuity, forcing us to go into suspended animation due to some vague, not-adequately-explored ecological disaster. Most of us did choose suspended animation; the descendents of the few who didn't still roam the desert sands of Fresno. "The Gods, who were still recovering from an awesome party that past weekend, had been unable to prevent this most heinous occurance. So their leader, The Rad, decreed that Californian culture would not die. He sent out a large ship, filled with Californian people and Californian cultural artifacts, like tofu and tanning lotion and shopping mall plans, out into the void, promising them that he would join them someday, and that on that day, they would all return to California, and hopefully save the galaxy from some impending doom sometime after that. "The ship did not have overly-hyped drive - so it spent nearly a thousand years on it's journey. Finally, during the '20th Century' on Earth, the Californians arrived, settling on the western edge of one of the northern continents, which, by some coincidence, or not, had been already named 'California.' Unfortunately, this could not be done without some ecological ramifications - the indiginous 'westerners' and 'John Waynes' died out, and true Californian culture took root. "The lifeforce of The Rad, drifting through the cosmos those centuries homed in on Earth, and The Rad was reborn, as a mortal, subconsciously knowing that when he came of age, the culture around him would become a microcosm of the true California. "I, Ran Mikoto, was a descendent of the high priest to the Gods, and their knowledge and experience was passed down through the generation written in the blood, and scrawled upon the flesh. When I first met you, I immediately thought of you as a God, and tried to worship you as a garden variety Earth God. It wasn't until I took the Tofu that I understood. Godhood in California basically means you have the best tan, and you can plan amazingly awesome toga parties. "When we first met, the shock of recognition sent a signal to the guardian computers, to revive the Californians from suspended animation. For the past six months, we've been preparing for your arrival, sunbathing opening up mega-malls, and stocking up on tofu. "I have told you all I can tell you. To understand completely, you must experience the Tofu." "I've had tofu," Rad protested. "Lots of times, like, y'know?" "Enough to facilitate your low-level visions," Mikoto replied. "Even enough to draw on our strength in times of great need. But you haven't had pure, undiluted Tofu, the kind mined by the tofu miners." "Aren't I here to, like, save the galaxy, like, y'know?" "Yes," Mikoto said. "When you take the Tofu, you will see the path to galactic salvation unfold before you." "'The Tofu is the Way, and the Way is the Tofu'" Rad whispered. "Er, Rad," Manny said. "Are you going to take this Tofu or what?" Rad stood up. "Like, I'll think about it, dudes." He turned around and started for the door. "Your people love you," Mikoto called out. "They want to follow you. But they cannot until you prove to them that you are The Rad, incarnate!" Rad paused, then continued out the door. CONTINUED IN PART THREE IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING... ========================================================================= Date: 14 Dec 1990 17:25:49 Subject: Rad 60, part 3 From: Eight Lives Down <34EPWQL@CMUVM> CONTINUED FROM PART TWO... The Grand Hall had finally finished the main course and was just about to start on dessert when the second major incident occured. This *did* involve a lot of action, and got much better reviews. It had started when the Heyustarddedit representatives, Pyrene and Shadzak, entered the Great Hall. Conversation stopped as the delegates watched them walking towards their seats. If they noticed the silence, they gave no indication. Galaxy Hunter, who stood behind the Emperor Ianonuthink, watched the two vigilantly. They were nowhere in the league of Eldron and the Crimson Blob, but they still knew a trick or two. But even Galaxy Hunter was surprised when they whipped out a couple of laser pistols and started firing. He dove in front of the Emperor, deflecting the laser fire and returning some of his own. Shadzak was hit, and fell into the soup. Pyrene, though, laughed madly. "Ianonuthink must die!" she shouted. "Long live the Heyustarddedit/Dalan alliance!" The respective jaws of William and Thelma dropped open as Pyrene again opened fire, only to have it blocked by Hunter. He fired again, this time hitting Pyrene squarely on the chest. She dropped face first into the pot roast. Ignoring the buzz of alarmed conversation, Hunter went to check on the two berzerk emissaries. He had not known Pyrene and Shadzak much, but had little reason to believe they would do such a crazy stunt of their own free will. He glared at Dana Wader, who winked back at him, and laughed a cold, mocking laugh when he turned away. "I knew it was coming," said a Shriner. "They should work on their dialogue," another Shriner commented. "Lacks panache," a third Shriner said. Others were less critically objective in their assessments. "I knew those Heyustarddedit bureaucrats couldn't be trusted!" growled one of the delegates. "It's not them, silly," another delegate. "It's those rotten Dalans making another bid to destroy the galaxy again." "No it's not!" Thelma protested. She got a pie in the face. The evening proceeded to a virtual disaster after that, with accusation and counter-accusation flying hither and yon. The Dalan delegates were forced to leave early, while Galaxy Hunter took the Heyustarddedit delegates to holding cells. Hunter was glad that Glum had decided not to attend the banquet - she would have lost her temper quickly - not that much more damage could have been done that evening. He glared at Dana once more before making his exit. Dana Wader was the only one who seemed pleased about it all. ------------------------------------------------------------- "We've received a commo from Imperial Control," an adjutant said to Welsian Lo. "You're commanded to take charge of the fifth armada, and set up a defense perimiter around the Hottentot system." "The fifth armada..." Welsian said, visions of power in his eyes. "Er...do they say why?" "There's been a major incident at the Palace," the adjutant replied. "Apparantly, the Heyustarddedit Ambassadors attacked the Emperor. It's unknown whether they were acting in concert with, or under the influence of, the Dalans." "The Dalans," grumbled Welsian. "I hate those guys." "The Heyustarddedit delegates have been taken into custody. The Dalan delegates have not, although they've been forbidden from leaving the planet. The fifth armada is to set up a defensive perimeter around the Hottentot system to discourage the Heyustarddedit's or the Dalan's from sending their own fleets to 'rescue their hostages' or 'protect the galaxy from unprovoked agression.'" "I see," Welsian said. "Inform the fifth armada we'll be there as soon as possible." ------------------------------------------------------------- Nighttime had finally descended upon California. Even for a world of two suns, night sometimes fell. Rad leaned back against a palm tree on one of the less populated beaches, staring off into the night sky. "Bottle of tanning oil for your thoughts," a soft female voice said. "Akane," Rad said, a smile forming. He patted the sandy ground beside him. Akane sat down, and rested her head against his shoulder. They stared out into empty space for a while. "She's out there," Rad said quietly. "Somewhere..." "Joe," Akane said. "She loves you. You've got to believe that." "The look on her face, like, haunts me in, like, a most gnarly fashion, like, y'know?" "I know," Akane replied. "But I think she understands why you had to do what you had to do. What you've got to do is get back there." "I don't know how," Rad said. "The SDF-1 is slowly regenerating itself, like, and they're getting the 'Video Arcadia', like, fixed, y'know, but even then, what can we, like, do against the Ottsamaddawidu or these Muuuahahahahans you told us about?" "They did fine against the Dalan fleet a while ago," Akane said. "That was different," Rad said. "The Dalans have a low per-ship SFX budget -- besides, we caught them by surprise." "Then what are you going to do?" "I, like, dunno, sis." They stared off into the night sky for a while longer. "Do you remember when I was four, and you were five, and dad helped us build a 'spaceship'? From one tree, we soared through the universe, defeating monsters and making the universe a better place?" Rad chuckled. "Yah, I remember. We always had to, like, stop and, like, refuel on, like, chocolate chip cookies. Mom never did, like, understand why broccoli couldn't, like, make us go." "I was such a tomboy then," Akane said. "Deep inside, like, you always will be," Rad said. "Even though, like, you've grown into, like, a beautiful woman." From a distance, Princess Diana watched them. What had driven her out here, to see her biological son, after a decade and a half of trying to forget him? He had a family, people he would always be close to. Even though Rad knew Willard Scott was his real, biological father, when he said 'dad', he referred to his adoptive father, Kenshiro. What could she hope to gain by trying to intrude upon his happiness? Yet, Willard had gotten her out here this evening, to try to tell Rad something he possibly wasn't interested in hearing, that she was his real mother. As she was about to step forward, though, Rad said something to Akane, and they both jumped up and ran back into the temple-sort-of- place. Di sighed. Perhaps it was for the best. ------------------------------------------------------------- Dana Wader re-entered her shuttle. Her husband and his 'bodyguard' had decided to make use of the guest chambers provided by their hosts, and she was glad they had. Something about them wasn't right, and she suspected Ianonuthink fit squarely into it. She opened the door to where Pyrene and Shadzak had been tied up earlier. They had put on a truly remarkable performance. Paranoia may have been a wimp, but he knew his stuff. When she saw him, standing tall in the center of the room, her posture shifted slightly to the defensive. There was no evidence of fear coming from the formerly timid man, nor any evidence of weakness. "Come now, my dear," he said. "Is that any way to greet an old friend?" "Old...friend...?" Dana said. She peered at Paranoia again. "It couldn't be...is that you, Gorgax?" "Always quick on the uptake, eh, Dana?" Gorgax/Paranoia said. "What took you so long?" Dana said. "Soul crystals, even those of faulty design, take annoyingly long to break out of," Gorgax said. "Besides, I was observing a fascinating individual, one whose scheming ability rivals yours, and perhaps mine." "Ian?" Dana said. "He's good, but he's no Gorgax." "No," Gorgax/Paranoia said. "Ian's just a puppet - he's been mind- blocked by the Shadow Figure who's really in charge of his government. His name is Richard M. Nixon." "Nixon...didn't you try to take over him once?" "Yeah," Gorgax said. "No one noticed." "Well, anyways, hon," Dana said. "You here to propose an alliance?" "What are your goals?" "Total warfare and mass destruction and death." "Peachy! Of course, you realize, I'm going to betray you the second you outlive your usefulness," said Gorgax. "That's nice to hear, Gorgax dear," Dana replied. "I was wondering if you were going soft on me..." ------------------------------------------------------------- "Message incoming from Dalan, Captain," said the comm officer. "Put it on the screen," said Captain Kenn. He had somehow survived the destruction of the Dalan fleet back in episode 36, and had thrown in with the Rebels when it appeared they would be victorious. All in all, having emotions wasn't as bad as he had thought, although they did tend to get in the way a lot. "This is Threaydie, Captain," a Dalan on the screen said. "We have a situation." "What is not below?" Kenn said. "That's 'whats up', Kenn - I just looked it up this morning. The answer is the peace conference. Our Empire, through our delegates William and Thelma, has been accused of being in league with the Heyustarddedit Federation, who's ambassadors recently attempted to murder the Ottsamaddawidu Emperor out in front of all the delegates." "Sounds like somebody committed a diplomatic boo-boo," Kenn said. "We think it's more than just that," Threaydie said. "Dana Wader may finally be making her move. Regardless, we must retrieve our delegates. The Ottsamaddawidu are refusing to allow them to leave the planet, as they've been implicated in the attempt on Ianonuthink. Hence, you are ordered to take the seventh fleet to Hottentot and force them to yield up our delegates. I will accompany." "Yes sir!" Kenn said. Threaydie's image flickered out. Kenn smiled - not because he was pleased, but because he needed the practice. CONTINUED IN PART FOUR IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING... ========================================================================= Date: 14 Dec 1990 17:37:43 Subject: Rad 60, part 4 From: Eight Lives Down <34EPWQL@CMUVM> CONTINUED FROM PART THREE... "Excellent," Nixon said. "With Hardeharharlock out of the way, nothing will stand in our way." "What about Gorgax, boss?" Herb Villachez said. "He's gonna be a problem, you think?" Liddy asked. "He already has been a problem," Nixon said. "Galactic tensions are being inflamed way ahead of schedule. If we're not careful, full scale warfare could break out, severely damaging our profits. "That's where Barry Manilow comes in," Nixon said, pointing to the Prince, who was sleeping on a couch. "We've been in contact with the aliens from Planet Blah, in Dimension Bland." "The guys who made ManMan the incarnation of Mediocrity on Earth?" Liddy asked. "The same," replied Nixon. "I learned about them after reading the early episodes of Superguy digest. Great stories, except that they don't feature me. At any rate, I contacted them, and learned their idol was Barry Manilow. They think his singing is 'really nice' and 'well arranged' - high praise from them. They want him to do concerts for them, and they're going to pay a lot of money for it. If he marries Glum, then all the money can be sent directly to his new address..." "Which is right here," Liddy said, smiling. "Boss, you're a genius." "A criminal genius, you mean," a loud, authoritative voice said. Nixon, Liddy and Villachez whirled. "Galaxy Hunter!" Nixon shouted. "But how?" The answer came when Glum stepped out into view, electricity crackling from her raised hand. "Silly boys," she said. "I was raised in this Palace -- there's nowhere I can't go. I know all the secret passages and air circulatory systems." Liddy tried to raise his gun, but Glum zapped it away with an electrical blast of about 7000 volts. "That'll be enough of that," Hunter said. "You're all under arr...eh?" Everyone looked up. The panels of the ceiling were beginning to buckle. Finally, they broke, and Slithis, Benjen and Jerriphrrt crashed into the room, knocking down just about everyone. "I *told* you not to pile in like that," Jerriphrrt hissed. "It's that cheap Dalan design," Slithis said. "Low quality." "Hey, out of the way!" Galaxy Hunter said. "They're getting away!" Glum said. And it was true - Nixon, Liddy, and Villachez were all escaping, dragging Barry Manilow along with them. The doors shut, and were sealed. The air vents were closed off, and the ceiling route that Slithis, Benjen and Jerriphrrt had come through was blocked off. "Bloody great," Galaxy Hunter said. "Haven't you done enough?" Glum yelled. The trio cowered. "We just wanted to help," Jerriphrrt said. "Krisko showed us those pictures Starblazer took of Welsian Lo," Benjen said. "We were tricked." "They would have blown us up if we hadn't found you," Slithis added. "Please don't hit us," Jerriphrrt whined. "Okay, *okay* already," Glum said. "Let's just concentrate on getting out of here. Unc--er, Hunter, can you get us out of here?" "The walls don't look fortified," Hunter replied. "Stand back." Hunter raised his Bad Guy Killer Pistol Mark II to blast the wall, but fell over instead. "Stun dart," he gasped, then went unconscious. Moments later, everyone in the room was unconscious in a similar fashion. -------------------------------------------------------------- "Welcome, Rad," said the Fresmen leader, Stilevan. "You are here to experience the Tofu, are you not?" Rad nodded. He looked back at Akane and Manny, who had accompanied him on the trip to Fresno, and Horace the Dragon, who had provided the transportation. They had left in the dead of night, without telling the others. "Have you seen the chia pets?" Stilevan asked. "You mean the ones, like, you water and, like, grow?" Rad asked. "Sort of," Stilevan said. "Come on, I'll show you." They went out to the back side of the tofu mining facility. The sands roiled fiercely, and the miners and their fresmen allies worked quickly. In the distance, sand swirled into the sky. Rad thought he saw something. "What, like, *is* that? It's, like, huge!" "It's a chia pet, Rad," said Stilevan. "Bigger than the Epcot Center, and with lots of sharp, pointy teeth. It's drawn by the tofu mining operations." Rad squinted. Sure enough, there it was - a huge mass of foliage and a ceramic looking face - and lots of pointy teeth. Although it seemed to have legs, it was not using them for locomotion. It sped past, and Rad could see why - it was leaving a trail of flames in it's wake. "Wow, dude," Rad said. "The, like, thrust coefficient must be, like most incredible." "Yes," Stilevan said. "Chia pets are vicious when angered, but sedentary otherwise. We've found a way to use them for transport." "How?" asked Rad. "Er, we...ah...light up their...er...flatulence...and they sort of.. zoom across the desert," Stilevan said. Rad watched the chia pet zoom. It appeared to be racing towards a giant, upturned ramp. "Watch this," Stilevan whispered. The chia pet raced up the ramp and rocketed into the air. Eventually, it disappeared into the upper atmosphere. "Chia pets make the perfect starships," Stilevan said. "Easy to maneuver, mostly invulnerable, and they produce their own oxygen supply." "Most excellent, dude," Rad said. "Like, should I, like, take the, like, tofu now?" Stilevan nodded, and they went back inside. No sooner had Rad taken the Tofu than his physical world dropped away. "Like, cool," he said. Oh no, not this again. "Like, hey, how much of this do I, like, have to take until, like, he goes away?" Rad asked. Forget it, Rad...you're already feeling the effects. Besides, I'm going away for winter break very soon now. Just a few more paragraphs to go. "Well, okay," Rad said. Watching him carefully, Stilevan, Akane, and Manny could see no evidence that it was having any effect. Hours passed. Seconds passed. "I did not!" Manny protested. "Ssssh," Akane added. Rad's eyelids flashed open. He stared at them for a long time, something unreadable in his eyes. Finally, he spoke. "It's time," he said. "Time for what?" asked Stilevan. "It's time," Rad said. "Time for a toga." And so, the biggest toga party in galactic history began. WILL THE PARTY WIND DOWN BEFORE THE GALAXY GOES TO WAR? WILL THE PARTY WIND DOWN BEFORE THE GALAXY BURNS OUT? BUFFY AND DINO? I REALLY *NEED* A VACATION! WILL GORGAX BETRAY DANA? WILL DANA BETRAY GORGAX? DO PINTOS EXPLODE? HAS THE AUTHOR FINALLY FLIPPED HIS LID? DOESN'T BILL PAUL EVER SLEEP? :) WELL, I HOPE YOU GUYS ALL HAVE A GREAT HOLIDAY BREAK...I'LL BE BACK IN JANUARY TO CONTINUE THIS STORYLINE, ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 09 Jan 1991 20:01:08 Subject: Rad 61: California Dreamin' From: Fnarr! Fnarr! <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #60: "California Dreamin'" by Gary W. Olson Consciousness swam back to Rad slowly, like that stuff in the Heinz bottles. The bed underneath him was soft, and he was dimly aware that there was a large waterfall in the next room. He cogitated over this - it was odd there was a waterfall in the next room. Highly unusual, that. But it had been a long strange trip so far, and the hard part was beginning. He knew how to save the galaxy. The waterfall stopped. His eyes sprang open, or rather, they made a game effort to do so, with a good running start that sort of petered out around the leading edge of the irises. Fresh waves of pain flowed, as his eyes stung. This restarted the dull throbbing in his head, and a dryness in his mouth. Some thumping sounds made his eyes open again. "Is he awake yet?" a loud, whispering voice asked. "I don't think so," another loud whisper replied. "Did you see my top around here anywhere? I'm sure I put it there before I showered..." Rad thought to ask these voices some questions. "Hhhnnnn?" was the first. "You're awake!" the first voice squealed. "How do you feel?" the second voice asked. They sounded alarmingly familiar. Rad forced his eyelids open again, seeing two fuzzy, sort of female type blobs standing at the foot of the bed. He blinked. They sort of got into better focus. He blinked again, and squinted. "Look at those red eyes!" Key said, lifting one eyelid. "Mrrph," Rad said, looking around for his costume. It was not on him, nor in evidence around the room. "Like, whoah," he said. "Did we...?" "Yes," Yury replied. "Ah," Rad answered, and passed out. ------------------------------------------------------------- Fido Doberman, captain of the Heyustarddedit war vessel "Lug Nut", gazed on his viewscreen at the passing Ottsamaddawidu armada. It was on it's way to the capital of the Ottsamaddawidu Empire, the planet Hottentot, the sight of galactic peace negotiations and the marriage of the Princess Glum to Prince Barry Manilow. That they were passing through Heyustarddedit space to get there did not seem to be bothering them. "The warnings have been issued, Captain," Rasea, his demure Calican communications officer, purred. Doberman winced. "No replies." "Er, yes," Doberman replied. "Tell our fleet to fire on my orders." "But sir," Rasea replied. "We were ordered to fire only if attacked..." "Blast those orders, Leiutenant," Doberman growled, his tail raised. "They're violating Federation space, and we can't tolerate that. Patch me through to the armada." Rasea nodded and turned to her commo board. Moments later, the ebony reaches of space lit up with the brilliance of laser beams, tactical missiles, bright flashes of light with no apparant purpose, and tachyon beam particle weapons. The Ottsamaddawidu armada was taken by surprise, but managed to hold some of it's ships out of the fighting while a message was sent to the capital. ------------------------------------------------------------- Rad recovered shortly, and was soon fixing his toga. He couldn't remember where exactly he had lost his spandex tights - somewhere on the continent of Fresno, perhaps, or maybe Los Angeles. In fact, he could remember little at all of the preceding five days. "It was bizarre," Key commented while they waited for a rent-a-flitter to take them back to the continent of Los Angeles from where they were - a five star hotel located on the peak of one of the tallest mountains on the mountain continent of San Francisco. "Well-tanned people wearing bedsheets and lampshades as far as the eye could see. For toga parties, this has *got* to be a record breaker." "Yeah," Yury agreed. "We didn't even catch up with you, Joe, until a couple days ago." A fleeting memory came back to Rad, involving a complex game of null-g combination limbo and volleyball. "Then we went to Sid's Palace of Pleasures, where--" "Like, don't tell me," Rad said. "I am not sure, like, I wanna know..." "It's all right," Key said. "We got the negatives back." "I thought, like, I told you," Rad grumbled. "I didn't want to--" "Could'a fooled us, hon," Yury replied. Rad looked at them blankly. "Come on...Glum already knows about us. I think she'd be surprised if you didn't do anything. Besides, you've been such a sourpuss lately..." Rad finally broke into a grin. "Yah, I like, guess I have. Some, like, Californian I've been, like, ignoring the, like, hedonistic credo..." "Speaking of which, what happened when you took the Tofu?" Key asked. "We saw Akane a couple of days before we ran into you - she said you were talking about Gods and astronauts and all that." "Oh, yah," Rad said. "The, like, gist of it is, like, that I used to, like, be the, like, Sun God on this planet, like, millenia ago. The ancient astronauts, like, John Glenn, brought, like, Earth people to Planet California and, like, gave a few powers so they would, like, survive. I was, like, born to the second generation, like, of Gods - my pop was The Dean, and my mom was The Marilyn." "Your parents were James Dean and Marilyn Monroe?" Yury asked. "In my past life, yah," Rad said. "They were reborn on Earth, like I was, like, y'know? Well, like, anyway, they, like, passed away and I, like, became the cheif like, god, y'know, and discovered the, like, Tofu. After that, like, we founded Californian culture and, like, partied a lot "I don't, like, remember much, like, from that time. Just the, like basics, y'know? It's like a dream, like, that keeps fading from memory, like, after you awake. I also saw my mom from, like, this life..." "Who is she?" Key asked. "I, like, don't know," Rad was forced to reply. "I can't remember. But I do know how, like, to save the, like, galaxy now." "How?" Yury asked. "We've got to, like, get back to, like, Los Angeles where the others are, like, y'know? I'll, like, need their help. Come on, like, climb on my back and I'll, like, fly you there." "I don't know," Key said. "Manny says you have a short attention span..." "Er, what's that?" Rad said. "Sorry, like, I wasn't listening." "Never mind," Yury said. "Let's go." It was a good thing they decided to fly out instead of step out, as it turned out that the first step was indeed a doozy - almost a thousand feet down to the next peak. The paved road leading up to the hotel was almost vertical, with specially designed vehicles running up and down it's length. The occupants of the vehicles looked in awe as a superbly tanned figure wearing a toga flew out of the building into the sunset, two well-shaped scantily-clad women on his back, looking sort of queasy. ------------------------------------------------------------- Richard M. Nixon, former U.S. President and Shadow Figure behind the Ottsamaddawidu Throne, paced furiously back and forth in his secret chambers behind the Throne Room. G. Gordon Liddy and Herb Villachez watched nervously. "You're sure?" he growled. "Positive," Liddy replied. "Heyustarddedit vessels ambushed our fourth fleet on it's way to protect this planet. Only about a third of our boys made it through. Plus, we've got reports that large Dalan and Muuuahahahahan armadas are on their ways here." "Dammit, Liddy!" growled Nixon. "When I said I wanted a war, I didn't mean I wanted it *here*! Someone could get *hurt*! Like me!" "We've got Welsian Lo's fleet in a tight defensive grid around Hottentot, and the eighth and ninth fleets' will be arriving in six hours, a bit ahead of the enemy fleets. It should be enough to discourage them from grandstanding." "Right," Nixon replied. "In the meantime, I want Glum mindwarped - we need her for the wedding and it's obvious she can't be trusted to marry Barry Manilow willingly. See to it, Herb." "Yez, boss," Herb replied, waddling out of the room. "What about Galaxy Hunter and those three bozos we captured?" "Let 'em rot for now," Nixon harrumphed. "Gloat at them occasionally, though. Since their secret prisoners, we can't use the regular paid gloaters." Liddy nodded and left the room. No sooner was he out of Nixon's sight than he convulsed, emitting a short, sharp cry of pain. He stood up and looked about. Seeing noone, he smiled. "Now this is more like it," Gorgax/Liddy said. "I wonder if Galaxy Hunter will remember little ol' me?" He whistled as he walked. ------------------------------------------------------------- "So, what was Rad like in his previous life as a God?" Manny Seconds asked. "I inquire merely for information." Ran Mikoto smiled. "He was much like he is now. A little dumber." "Huh?" Manny replied wittily. "I mean it," Ran said. "You think he's dense now -- back then he was thick like you just wouldn't believe. He -- er, nevermind." At that moment, Rad was setting down nearby, with Key firmly fastened like a helmet to his skull, and Yury hanging from his left leg. They both looked rather pale. Rad looked tan. It took a full ten minutes for them to unclench. When she could finally speak, it was only to say "You *don't* do loop-de-loops around airships when you have *passengers*!" "I warned you," Manny said. Yury phttphphted at him. "Hey, like, Manny my friend," Rad said. "How did you, like, do?" "Well, I almost scored with Buffy, but that didn't work out. Then I tried to hit on Chalandra, but she bared her teeth at me. I came *this close* with this redhead chick over on 'Frisco...er...how about you?" "I'm, like, waiting to see the, like, negatives," Rad said. "Where is, like, everybody?" They went inside, and were quickly reunited with the rest of the voyagers on this cosmic odyssey. Rad quieted them down. "We must look to the chia pet, like, for our salvation," he said. "The chia pet is the key to eternal happiness," one of the Robert Smiths said. "Now I remember..." Chalandra bopped him. "Violence depresses me," the other Smith replied. Chalandra sighed. "He's, like, right," Rad said. "The Sage, like, told me that the key to eternal happiness, like, resides with the, like, eternally depressed. "But what does it mean?" Sean Connery asked dramatically. "Don't know yet," Rad replied. "I think, like, it will be important later, like, but not right now. Even now, like, Stilevan, the leader of, like, the Fresmen, is sending hundreds of thousands of like, those desert Chia Pets into space, like, y'know?" "Awfully small, aren't they?" Horace asked. "Tried selling them once, had little luck, except with the Canapians, who used them for fuel..." "No, like, the chia pets here, like are the size of, like, the Epcot Center and, like, have sharp, pointy teeth. They, like, are organic starships, sort of like. Each one, like, has a force field, like, generator to hold in, like, the air their foliage, like, produces. And they can, like, survive for years in space without food and, like, air." "So we have an armada," Kenshiro Moroboshi said. "We just attack?" "No, like, Hardeharharlock's radio has, like, intercepted military, like, broadcasts indicating war may already, like, be breaking out and, like, the capital planet of the Ottsamaddawidu Empire is heavily, like, defended. We've got to, like, get in there with a single ship, like, the "Video Arcadia" and, like, neutralize their command structure. If we can do that, like, by the time our, like, grand armada gets there, victory will, like, be ours." "Who will be going on this raid?" Kaneda Suhiro asked. "Just a few people," Rad said. "I'm like, counting on, like, help from Galaxy Hunter once we, like, get inside. In addition to Hardeharharlock and the Video Arcadia crew, it'll be me, Chalandra, Akane, Manny, Key, Yury, and Prince Charles." There was much confusion over the last choice, which Rad refused to elaborate on. So, the next morning, a sleek pirate starship set out from Planet California, through the screens which obscured life readings on the planet from passing space vessels, past the huge, hulking lumps of foliage that sustained many Californain warriors, into the cold void. WILL RAD AND COMPANY GET TO HOTTENTOT IN TIME? WILL WE EVER GET TO SEE THOSE NEGATIVES? WILL WE HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL FEBRUARY FOR THE OTHER SUPERGUY AUTHORS TO RETURN LIKE LAST YEAR? WHO WILL WIN BUD BOWL 3? WILL MAURY POUVICH RUN OUT OF GATORADE? ALL THIS AND TWENTY REASONS NOT TO SEE THE MOVIE VERSION OF "BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES" ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 12 Jan 1991 15:16:42 Subject: Rad 62: I'll Take the High Road... From: Fnarr! Fnarr! <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #62: "I'll Take the High Road, You Take the Low Road, and I'll Get to Hottentot Before You" by Gary W. Olson The dark reaches of space shimmered with light that day, as huge battle fortresses lurched about in space hammering upon each other. Huge spears of energy punched holes in neutronic shielding and destroyed bridges and ruptured fuel tanks. The janitors locked themselves in the restrooms and wouldn't come out until the battle was over. A distance away, Hardeharharlock, captain of the pirate starship known to many as the "Video Arcadia," watched the battle in silence. Or, at least he appeared to. With hair covering his left eye and an eyepatch on his right, it wasn't clear that he could see, period. But he looked really, really intense and dramatic-like. Sean Connery was proud of him. "Repairs are almost complete, Capt'n," Toastiro called out. "Very good," Hardeharharlock said. "Resume course when Toastiro completes his repairs, La Brime." Elsewhere on the bridge (it was a big bridge, see), Chalandra Harkness stared out of the viewport at the battle. On California, she had been forced to stay in her coffin a lot, due to the twin suns. Yet in space, she felt no weakness at all, despite the presence of another sun relatively close by. Possibly, sunlight had an effect only while in the magickal field of a planetary body. She turned, and saw Rad where he had been since the voyage began, resting under a tanning lamp. Manny was sitting nearby, smoking a cigar and chatting with Rad. "Do you have a plan for when we get there?" she asked. "Well, truth is, like, you got me," Rad said. "I know, like, how to get to the, like, palace from my, like, last time there, but that's, y'know, about it, fer sure." "Come on, Chal," Manny said. "You know thinking was never Rad's forte." Rad nodded astutely. "Gimme that," Chalandra said, plucking Manny's cigar out of his mouth. "I hate second-hand smoke." She proceeded to take several puffs on it herself. Manny looked irritated. "Hey, that's my last one!" he protested to no avail. He tried to swipe it back, but was repelled by the smoke rings she blew in his face. "You're a mortal, Manny," she said. "Don't hasten the end of your miserable and pathetic life." "Can't I hasten it just a little?" he replied, trying to swipe it back. "Hey, stop that, like, okay?" Rad said. "The smoke is, like, interfering with my, like, tanning lamp." "That's enough of that, back there," Hardeharharlock said. "Repairs are finished, it's time to move on before the Ottsamaddawidu or Muuuahahahahan ships spot us." "Which are which?" Manny asked. "The Ottsamaddawidu ships invariably resemble donuts or, on occasion cruellers or hoagies. The Muuuahahahahan ships look like pie wedges." "Geez," Chalandra said. "It's the Betty Crocker/Dunkin' Donuts wars." The ship lurched as it entered overly-hyped space. ------------------------------------------------------------- Galaxy Hunter came to in his cell. His suits' systems prevented anyone from removing his armor or depowering it, but the cell he was in rendered it useless - it would repel energy weapons, absorb micromissile rounds, deflect flechette attacks - in short, it was designed especially for him. Nearby, three others, his erstwhile 'assistants' Slithis, Benjen and Jerriphrrt, were all soundly asleep, snoring like bullfrogs in heat. A guard sat outside in a darkened corridor, her chin resting on her chest, her eyes closed. A sound made Galaxy Hunter look out the cell again. G. Gordon Liddy looked back at him, in an odd fashion. Recognition was instant - Hunter saw the eyes, and knew who looked back out at him. "Gorgax," he spat. "Hunter," Gorgax/Liddy said charmingly. "How nice we meet again." "How did you get out?" Hunter asked, flatly. "Your soul crystal was of a faulty design," Gorgax/Liddy replied. "Not that it would have mattered - I would have freed myself eventually. Soul crystals require occasional maintainance, a fact of which that Nixon fellow was dreadfully unaware." "Oh," Hunter said. "Pity, that." "Quite. Say, would you be interested in hearing me gloat?" "Not really." "Oh, please!" "Well, okay." "Oh, good," Gorgax/Liddy enthused. "Let's see...oh! Here's one of my favorites: 'Now what shall you do, pathetic human sub-slime? Your pathetic attempts to oppose me have been utterly crushed by my most eminent self, you spineless son of English kon-niggets! Grovel in shame to your one true master, wretched member of the human feces!'" "Very nice," Hunter replied. "But you didn't have anything to do with my capture. At least, I don't think you did. Not directly." Gorgax/Liddy sighed. "True, unfortunately. I might have, but I was busy trying to take over Nixon. I've done so before, you know. Unfortunately, he was shielded this time. A pity, the one person who is most like myself I can't inhabit." "It makes a difference?" Hunter asked warily. "Certainly," Gorgax/Liddy replied. "This form is un-creative and responds to orders. When I was on Earth, I took over the U.S. acting president, that Quayle fellow. I underestimated the power of his sheer incompetence - it caused me to make several mistakes and get captured." "Are you done?" Hunter said. "Yes, quite," Gorgax/Liddy said. "I was just going down to see how Herb was doing with the Lady Glum. She's being mindwarped today, you know." Gorgax paused as he heard Hunter growl. Evidentally, he had struck a nerve. "She's far too independent, you know. Can't have that in a proper empire. Or a proper marriage. Well, I must be off." An intense barrage of high-powered weaponry battered the energy and physical shields. Gorgax/Liddy stood there a second, marveling at the sheer power that was being utterly wasted, then strolled away, whistling a whimsical tune of death and destruction. After a while, the corridor became silent again. The guard looked up at Hunter, her emerald green eyes glowing like green fire in the dark. "GLADYS," Hunter said, grinning under his helmet. "About time." -------------------------------------------------------------- Rad, Manny, Key, Yury, Chalandra, Hardeharharlock, Akane Moroboshi, and Prince Charles of England sat inconspicuously around a round table, sipping casually on fruity drinks they had had to pay much for. Around them, Hottentot natives flew about unconcerned, occasionally playfully zapping each other with electricity and generally being festive. Key and Yury were doing their best not to look over the edge of the platform they were on - it was close to a thousand feet down to planet level. Hottentot City, like all other cities on Hottentot, was built for a native race adept at flight. There were no real roads, and platforms reached out between elegantly shaped buildings like a spider's web. At the base, they knew, were the power plants that ran the city - few people lived there, mostly by choice. Outworlders in the city either rented expensive jet packs, if they could afford them, or, more commonly, rented small airships called flitters, which could be tethered at virtually every platform in the city. The Imperial Palace dominated the center of the city, as grandiose a structure as the city itself. The group contemplated it in the late dusk. "Now *that's* a palace," Charles said, his eyes aglitter. "You know, we could just blast down the main doors," Yury suggested. "That would not work," Hardeharharlock said. "It is too heavily guarded. Besides, you might end up collapsing the whole structure." "Hey, is it *our* fault ancient structures don't hold up well to concentrated firepower and missile barrages?" Key said. "I think not." "Well, like," Rad said. "The point, like, is to keep, like, at least some, like, of these people alive, like, at least one in, like, particular, like, y'know?" "La Brime and Sean are running the scans from the ship," Hardeharharlock told them. The "Video Arcadia" had gotten past the defensive perimeter by claiming to be the backup band for the wedding, and was parked in the main starport at the edge of the city. The large smiley-face-with- crossbones symbol adorning the ship had been covered up with a large mural of Elvis. They were let through without delay. "We could dress like nuns, and sneak in," Charles suggested. "What a silly idea," Akane said. "What kind of moron would fall for that old gimmick?" Charles opened his mouth and shut it again. "I could change into a bat," Chalandra said, "and let you all in through one of the service enterances." "That sounds most excellent," Rad agreed. "Let's cruise, eh?" ------------------------------------------------------------- The sound of heavy gunfire and explosions echoed through the target practice arena. Two hundred and twelve tough, macho imperial guards cowered near the enterances to the huge chamber, watching the carnage. They all agreed, that donkey seemed *really* ticked off. That donkey, the anthropomorphic mercenary who called himself Badass, was not in a good mood. He usually stayed cool, now that he had switched to decaffeinated coffee, but not now. In the corner, a figure in dark robes and armor sat, watching listlessly. Badass thought casually about filling the figure with lead, and decided against it. The figure was carrying his spare grenades. He touched the figures mind again, using the device that Nixon had given him. The figures mind had roughly the consistency of play-dough, and was nearly as impressionable. Over the past week, while delegates stayed in confusion and made half-hearted efforts at peace, Badass, through his control of the mind of the figure, Dark Wader, the former emperor of the Muuuahahahah Empire, been able to infiltrate said empire. He had gotten much valuable information on Muuuahahahan troop movements, ship vulnerabilities and strengths, and the contents of their cafeterias. All this he reported to Nixon, as Nixon had expected. He had learned the location of the Muuuahahahah Empire, and why no one could seem to locate it. This information Badass kept to himself, only because it couldn't be true. All the while, he had grown increasingly angry at himself, Nixon, and the situation he was in. Riddling a body with holes was one thing - he had done it often enough. But knowing manipulation of a sentient mind revulsed him - it was the ultimate cynicism, the ultimate Machiavellian gambit: don't destroy your enemy, control him, make him do your bidding. Empires throve on it - indoctrination was the glue that held it together. No more, thought Badass. After demolishing a few thousand more targets, he stormed out of the practice arena. Behind him, the figure stirred, looking around hazily. "Whewe," Dark Wader said. "Whewe am I?" ------------------------------------------------------------- The service door creaked open. It was located near the bottom of the city, near the barely used base of the palace. Akane looked about nervously. Prince Charles assured a thing with an eye raised on a stalk that he did not wish to effect the purchase of anything called 'Crash-and-Burn', although he would take some tea leaves if the creature had some. It didn't, and floated away alongside an adjacent structure. "Come on," Chalandra hissed, now back in human form. The group entered the structure and closed the door. Two guards lay unconscious on the floor, one with two small holes in his neck. "Like, couldn't you, y'know, have eaten, like, beforehand?" Rad asked. "This is most gnarly, like, fer sure, y'know?" "I didn't think of it," Chalandra said, clutching her beretta. "This way," Hardeharharlock said. He turned and promptly walked into a wall. "Or not." The group fought to keep from giggling. WILL RAD AND CO. SUCCEED IN NOT GIGGLING? DOES BEING EVIL MEAN NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY? IS RAYON A FABRIC OR A CONCEPT? WHO WILL WIN BUD BOWL 3? WILL THINGS BEGIN HAPPENING NEXT EPISODE? ALL THIS AND SEIZE THE FISH ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 15 Jan 1991 21:21:28 Subject: Rad 63 part 1 From: Fnarr! Fnarr! <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #63: "The Belly of the Beast" by Gary W. Olson Fido Doberman was most pleased with himself, and his tail wagged vigorously. His fleet had just finished vanquishing an Ottsamaddawidu armada, the Heyustarddedit Federation had ordered him and his fleet to Hottentot to retrieve the Administrix Major and Administrix Minor, and his Harx Flea and Tick Collar was still working. All in all, it was a dog's life, so to speak. That was about to change. A tactical officer first noticed it. "We have ships closing on our position sir. Range 10 parcheesis." "Identification?" Doberman asked. "They match no configuration we have in our computer banks, Captain," tactical replied. "Scans indicate they are organic in nature." "Organic?" Doberman said. "Hmmm...is it those Fluffy Teddy Bears again? I thought they and the Canapians patched things up or something." "No, sir," tactical said. "I am cross-referencing known space-going organic life forms...sir! Computer identifies them as...chia pets." "Be serious, will you, Aleph?" "I *am* serious, sir! Really! There's hundreds of thousands of 'em, coming straight at us?" Around him, Doberman heard the crew starting to guffaw. He supressed a giggle. "A...(chuckle)...hundreds of thousands, did you say?" "Er, yes sir..." "Put them on visual." The front screen blinked and displayed the inky blackness of space. It magnified, to show large beasts with trails of fire approaching them, their foliage enclosed by a force shield. "Er...(guffaw)...are they...(giggle)...attacking us?" Tactical answered that they were, although he seemed on the verge of cracking up. "We're getting a transmission from the armada," Rasea, his demure Calican comm board officer, told him. "It's...it's...listen..." She managed to patch the ship's audio in to the signal before collapsing into a fit of hysteria. "Ch-ch-ch-chia pet!" some singers sang in an annoyingly smarmy way. Lame music played in the background. Tactical looked like he would rupture something if he continued to hold it in, so he didn't. The silly commercial for the thouroughly insipid product continued to play, immobilizing the crew with convulsions of laughter. By the time "makes a great gift," rolled around, fully half the crew had passed out. Doberman was nearly unconscious, when he heard the sound of rending metal and explosions. The chia pet armada was upon them, and, as the scopes continued to show, was raking big giant holes in his fleet. As he passed out, he managed to press a button with his paw. It was with horror that he realized, as he passed out, he had not in fact pressed the self-destruct button but had ordered a deli sandwhich. ------------------------------------------------------------- Rad, Manny, Key, Yury, Chalandra, Hardeharharlock, and Prince Charles tiptoed down the corridor, looking as inconspicuous as Don Knotts on a rugby team. They had evaded guards, gotten lost, found their way, gotten lost, had lunch, found an elevator, almost lost their lunch as the elevator went from 0 to 80 in under three seconds, found a disguise for Hardeharharlock (the only recognized outlaw in the bunch), and found their way to the Palace proper. Four guards eyed them warily, but did nothing. Their job was merely to keep the riffraff that worked in the lower levels out of the Imperial portions of the palace, which were basically everything above this level. Key and Yury had wanted to simply swiss cheese them, but Hardeharharlock nixed that idea. Before anyone could propose another, Prince Charles strode forward before the guards. Rad slapped his hand on his forehead. "Well, there, my good fellows," he said cheerfully. "Which way to the grand hall, I do ask you?" "Sorry, no riffraff above this floor," a guard said. "Do I look like riffraff to you?" "Er," said one guard. "Sorta," said another guard. "Does your rulebook say anything about what riffraff looks like?" "Let me check," the third guard said, pressing buttons on a liquid crystal display. "Er...riffraff - commoners, peasants, people not dressed in silly looking uniforms with frilly lace, et. al." "He's got the silly uniform," said a fourth guard. "But I don't see no frilly lace." Charles looked most indignant. "Is frilly lace defined?" he stormed. The guard checked, and was forced to admit it wasn't. "This, I declare, is frilly lace!" Charles shouted, pointing to something that clearly wasn't lace, and certainly wasn't frilly, although it looked rather silly. The guard opened his mouth, and closed it again. He looked on the verge of saying something. By the time he snapped out of bureaucratic gridlock, the strange man and his companions had gone past him. He and the other guards immediately agreed it had never happened. "Most excellent, dude," Rad said, as they walked down the corridors. "See," Charles said. "Told you I'd come in handy." The corridors opened up, and delegates walked by, eyeing them oddly but saying nothing - there were thousands of delegates on Hottentot and it was considered a lapse in diplomacy if one failed to recognize other delegates. Fortunately, other delegates were in a similar bind, so they all got along fairly well, as long as no one inquired as to who was who. "We're here," Chalandra said. "And it's early evening, still. Now what?" "According to the map," Hardeharharlock said. "We're in the west wing. Glum's quarters are in the east wing. And we've got to hurry." "Like, why?" Rad asked. "The wedding is scheduled for tonight," the pirate captain said, grim. "It was moved up to forestall the departure of the delegates." "Bummer, dude," Rad said. "We must stop this, like, most totally heinously gnarly occurance, like, y'know?" "Why don't we split up?" Manny suggested. "Right!" Key said. "Half of us can go look for Glum, and half of us can go wreak havoc!" So they did. ------------------------------------------------------------- William and Thelma slunk down the darkened corridor, each holding laser guns they had taken from the guards they had knocked out. After being held in virtual house arrest the past days, they had made up their minds to find out what was going on, especially since neither Galaxy Hunter nor Glum nor Pyrene and Shadzak had come to rescue them. "I hear something, William," Thelma whispered. "There's a room up ahead," William whispered back. "I--get back!" They ducked into the shadows as G. Gordon Liddy walked by, whistling a whimsical tune of death and destruction. Liddy entered the room, and William and Thelma crept forward cautiously. "Who is he?" whispered William. "Don't know," Thelma whispered. "He's an Earth human, though. Wonder what he's doing here?" They crept towards the open door and peered in. They saw Herb Villachez, operating some computers of sorts, and G. Gordon Liddy looking on, a strange expression on his face. A couple technicians scurried back and forth, removing equipment from Glum's head, which, along with the rest of her exquisitely well-curved body, was resting in a stasis field. "She's mindblank now, Liddy," they heard Villachez say. "We're ready to implant the mindwarp templates on her brainwaves." "Not so flat," William said in a commanding voice. G. Gordon Liddy turned around. "What?" "Not so flat!" William repeated. "Do you mean, 'not so fast?'" Herb asked. "Er, yeah," William said. "Always wondered why that phrase didn't make any sense." "Ahem," Thelma added, raising her laser pistol. "Drop your weapons and take Glum out of the stasis field." "But...but..." Herb stuttered. "Do it," Liddy said. Herb looked confused. Liddy repeated himself. Herb shrugged, but complied. Soon, Glum was out of stasis and was standing, with a blank look on her face. "Will there be anything else?" Liddy asked, smiling. "Er, no," Thelma said, confused but willing to make use of the good fortune that had suddenly come their way. Soon, they were down the hall and out of sight. "What did you do that for, Liddy?" Herb asked. "The boss will be very cross wid you, not to mention the trouble that will happen when it looks like the Dalan delegates have kidnapped the lady Glum." Liddy whirled on Herb and hoisted him up to eye level. "Because," Liddy said. "I did it, just because. And the name's Gorgax." Herb gulped. "Don't worry, little man. I have no interest in possessing you. But you will serve my purposes. Look into my eyes..." CONTINUED IN PART TWO IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING... ========================================================================= Date: 15 Jan 1991 21:35:38 Subject: Rad 63 part 2 From: Fnarr! Fnarr! <34EPWQL@CMUVM> CONTINUED FROM PART ONE... Jerriphrrt felt a hand on his shoulder, shaking him. "Go away," he mumbled, batting away the hand. The hand returned, shaking him again. "Go away!" he mumbled louder. "Or I'll have to get rough." The hand went away. It was replaced by the barrel of a plaktonic nerve disruptor, and a menacing voice saying "Do tell. Up. Now." Looking up, Jerriphrrt saw his friends, Slithis and Benjen, with their hands in the air. He looked up, and up, and up. A menacing donkey-head looked down on him. Jerriphrrt smiled weakly. "Please don't kill us," he whined. "It was all Alexis' fault." "Eh?" Badass replied. "Yes," Slithis said. "Her and that Blake Carrington fellow." "We confess!" Benjen shouted. "Just don't torture us!" "Please!" added Slithis. "You twits," Badass said. "I'm not here to torture you. I want you bozos to help me beat up Nixon." "Er," Benjen said, clearly confused. "Why?" Jerriphrrt asked the obvious. "He has to have planned for the contingency that I've turned against him," Badass told them. "I doubt he's planned against you." "Why us?" Slithis again asked the obvious. "You're quick, sly, and expendable," Badass informed them. "At last," Jerriphrrt sighed, "someone who values us for what we are." "Okay, ten hut!" Badass barked, and the trio tried their best to sort of stand at attention. "We're going to war! No retreat! No surrender!" "No brains!" Slithis exclaimed, in the spirit of things. "Cut that out!" Badass growled. "Now march!" ------------------------------------------------------------- Rad, Hardeharharlock, Charles and Akane reached the east wing of the palace, and peered into the darkness. The door which had led to Glum's quarters had opened with ease, and all was dark inside. Cautiously, they walked in. The doors slid shut, and blinding lights flared. "One move and you're dead!" an authoritative voice shouted. "Before tea time, even," Prince Charles said. "Oh, flummox!" Emerald eyes peered at them out of the shadows. "They aren't Imperials, Hunter. One of them corresponds to the 'Rad' you and the Lady described. The others are..." "Yes, yes, GLADYS," Galaxy Hunter said, stepping out of his hiding place and lowering his rifle. "I recognize them." "Hello, Hunter," Hardeharharlock said. "I thought we might encounter you around here sooner or later." "Yes," Galaxy Hunter replied, removing his helmet. "I trust you know what is going on?" "Generally, yes," Hardeharharlock replied. "Like, where's Glum, like, y'know?" Rad asked. "They took her away to be mindwarped," Hunter said. "I was expecting you to be them, since she has to be returned here before the wedding." "Are there any crumpets around here?" Charles asked. "I'm famished." "Starblazer and Halapadin Krisko are busy getting things in place," Hunter said. "We'll be ready to move as soon as I get the word." "What word?" Akane asked. "A great deal of the soldiers here are loyal directly to me," Hunter replied. "They don't like the path that Ianonuthink has guided the Empire down. We're ready to overthrow the government." Hardeharharlock looked at him gravely. "You risk civil war, Ragna. Is the situation really this severe?" "Yes," Ragna Rok/Galaxy Hunter replied. "Already, armadas from the Dalan Empire, the Muuuahahahah Empire and the Heyustarddedit Federation are on their way here, along with a big armada from the Vega Suzanne system that we haven't been able to identify yet. We've run out of time and options." "I'm forced to agree with you," Hardeharharlock said. "Like, what are we waiting for, dudes?" Rad asked. "Crumpets?" offered Charles, hopefully. "Come on, let's go," Hunter said. "You too, GLADYS." The GLADYS construct, a beautiful humanoid female with pale skin and glowing green eyes, emerged from the wall. "Might as well," she said. "Life really bytes these days." Wincing at the bad pun, they headed into the corridor. ------------------------------------------------------------- Dark Wader put down the transciever, and snuck away from the comm panel. He had a secret reserve fleet he hadn't told Dana about, a fleet he had just called to Hottentot. Call herself the ruler of the Muuuahahahah Empire, would she? Not while Dark Wader, the most totally evil man in the galaxy, had anything to say about it. He paused to wonder. Where could she be? She had taken that creepy Paranoia person with her. No matter. He would soon deal with her. ------------------------------------------------------------- Dana Wader finished loosening the straps that held Shadzak and Pyrene firmly in their cells. It had been childs play to sneak in, especially since there were rumors of invaders and the guards were paranoid as it was. Gorgax had left Paranoia to wreak havoc as G. Gordon Liddy, but Paranoia was still effective, incapacitating the guards with visions of sinister agents and Milli Vanilli. That done, she left, carefully leaving the cell unpowered. Pyrene was the first to wake up. Noticing the cell was unpowered, she struggled to wake up Shadzak. "Wake up, Administrix Minor!" she said. "Somethings happened." "What...another Annihilator episode?" Shadzak said sleepily. "No," Pyrene said, irritated. "The cell's lost it's power. What's more, our bonds have been loosened." "That's nice," Shadzak said. "Can I get a pillow?" Pyrene hauled him to his feet. "We have a chance to escape. Let's do so while we have the chance!" Shadzak mumbled something incomprehensible as Pyrene pulled him out of the cell and down the strangely unmanned corridor. Emerging from the shadows, Dana Wader, the most totally evil woman in the galaxy, laughed quietly to herself. If anyone saw them, they wouldn't hesitate to shoot to kill. She entered the cell, put a small bit of armor plating that once belonged to her husband, Dark, on the ground, and left. She'd let Ianonuthink do her work for her. ------------------------------------------------------------- Alarms rang through the palace, and armed guards trooped through the palace, searching, it seemed, for something. A group of people who didn't want to be found emerged from hiding. "Like, that was, like, close," Rad said. "You said it, bro," Akane said. "What are they looking for?" "Possibly the ones who shot those guards in the lounge," GLADYS supposed. "And collapsed the lounge on top of them. Along with the floor below it." "Well, like, they left a note saying, like, it wasn't their, like, fault -- " Rad started. "Hssst!" Galaxy Hunter said. "Someone's coming!" They got back into hiding again. William and Thelma came scurrying into view. Rad recognized them leading a very familiar (to him, anyway) figure by the hand. He sprang out of hiding, giving William and Thelma rather severe starts and hugging the familiar figure. "Like, Glum!" he exclaimed, embracing her. "I never thought I'd, like, see you again! I'm like, sorry, like, y'know, and well, like, I'd understand like, if you never, like, wanted to see me again and... er..." Rad began to realize that Glum had not said, or done anything. He pulled back and lifted one of her eyelids. "Er, like, hello?" he said. "She's been mindblanked, Rad," William said. "The process can be reversed, though. How did you get here?" "Well, my mother met my father, and they, like..." "No, no, no," Thelma said. "*Here.*" "Oh, well, like, I don't have time to explain, like, that," Rad said. "Exactly right you don't," a voice sneered. Everyone looked up, to see a large squad of Muuuahahahan StormUndDrangTroopers with nasty looking laser-type weapons aimed at them. "You're not supposed to be here," Hardeharharlock said. "So?" the lead trooper said. "Neither are you." "He has a point, dear fellow," Charles said. "Fire!" the StormUndDrangTrooper yelled. The Troopers raised their weapons, looked at the defenseless beings before them, and pulled their triggers. OOOH! THINGS DO NOT LOOK GOOD! HOW WILL RAD AND COMPANY KEEP FROM BEING CRISPY-FRIED? WILL SLITHIS, BENJEN AND JERRIPHRRT TAKE WELL TO MILITARY LIFE? WILL THE WADERS EVER SEE A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR? CAN ANY ARMADA STAND AGAINST THE FORCES OF SILLINESS? WHO WILL WIN BUD BOWL 3? ARE THE INVID STILL IN MICHIGAN, OR IS IT SAFE TO GO TO THE 7-11 NOW? YOUR INVITATION TO THE REVOLUTION ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 18 Jan 1991 22:35:31 Subject: Rad 64 part one From: Fnarr! Fnarr! <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #64: "The Battle of Five Armies" by Gary W. Olson Richard Nixon sat at his desk, holding his head and waiting for the "Tylenol" to kick in. The marriage was set to go in less than an hour, and things were rapidly dissolving around him. Already, a substantial Dalan armada had engaged the Ottsamaddawidu defense perimiter, joined by Muuuahahahahan ships as well, although a number of those ships seemed to be attacking each other as well as the 'enemy' ships. Gorgax was lose, Galaxy Hunter had escaped, Glum was missing, the Heyustarddedit delegates were free, he couldn't find any of his minions about, Badass was reported to be ticked off, and a huge armada from parts unknown was detected closing in on Hottentot. What's more, he had the eerie feeling that he was watching a man taking a shower from the point of view of the showerhead. Definitely disconcerting, if that's ever happened to you. Herb Villachez finally walked in. "Herb!" Nixon exclaimed. "Where have you been? The delegates are panicing, the galaxy is falling over the edge, and I've got hot water running out of...no, wait, scratch that. Anyway, where have you been?" Villachez did not answer. Instead, he raised a pistol at Nixon and squeezed the trigger. Red light shot out, barely missing Nixon as he ducked out of the way. "Listen," Nixon shouted. "I *swear* I'll get Denise Crosby to give you a body rub in lime jell-o like you wanted. Don't shoot!" Herb shot again. Growling, Nixon pushed his chair into his diminutive former cheif henchman, knocking him down. A shot barely missed him as he raced out the door. ------------------------------------------------------------- The StormUndDrangTroopers, watching their defenseless targets, pulled the triggers on their laser weapons. Nothing happened. "Like, er, what's the deal, dude?" Rad asked. "Dammit!" one of 'em cursed. "I left the safety on!" "So did I!" another one said. Others checked their weapons as well. Some of them slapped their helmets as if to say "duh." "Hold on," the head Trooper said. "You mean we *all* left our safeties on?" "Uh," said one Trooper. "Yeah," another one said. "Well, take the safeties off!" the head Trooper screamed. The other StormUndDrangTroopers did as they were told. "Now, where were we...say, where did they go?" "Looks like they ran off," one Trooper noted astutely. "Bloody unsporting of them, that," the head Trooper said. ------------------------------------------------------------- Welsian Lo raced back and forth, frantically trying to coordinate the now hopelessly fractured perimiter. More Muuuahahahan ships had moved into the vicinity, and more Dalan and Heyustarddedit armadas were arriving. Fortunately, a couple Ottsamaddawidu fleets had arrived moments before, and, for the time being, were holding the enemy armadas away from the home planet. He knew this was far from the only battle in the galaxy. Reports were flooding in from planets around the galaxy, from Qualaquentous 14, from Canap, from Krunch, from X -- more battles than he could keep straight. War had become a reality, and for the first time, Welsian Lo knew fear. ------------------------------------------------------------- Rad, Akane, Hardeharharlock, Charles, William, Thelma, Galaxy Hunter, and the mindblank Glum had escaped the Muuuahahahan StormUndDrangTroopers that Dana Wader had loosed in the palace, only to run into Ottsamaddawidu Imperials. Fortunately, as it turned out, the troops were loyal to Galaxy Hunter. They were on their way to the Grand Hall, where Ianonuthink was trying to calm the agitated delegates, some of whom seemed ready to call in their own armies, even if their armies consisted of two guys and a can of "Lysol". "Are you, like, sure we can't, like, leave her somewhere?" Rad asked, referring to Glum, who was treading along with a blank look on her face. "Positive," Hunter replied. "We can't chance on her falling into anyone else's hands. Her condition is far too fragile here as it is." At that moment, as they came up to a three-way intersection, a hail of bullets pounded in front of them. They paused, awed by the sheer magnitude of the barrage. "Bullets?" Akane wondered. "Who uses bullets around here?" "I do!" snarled a familiar sounding voice from around the corner. "Drop yer weapons, an' I might not make ya into a chain link fence." Rad stepped out around the corner, facing Badass. Beside the hulking mercenary donkey were two other anthropomorphic beings - the cat-like Jerriphrrt and the reptilian Slithis, along with their Hottentottian human friend Benjen. All carried large weapons that must have been loaned to them from Badass -- Slithis was staggering under the weight of a huge rocket launcher, and it took both Jerriphrrt and Slithis to heft the huge convertible gun/tank. "Well, whadd'ya know," Badass said. "Wouldn't have figured on finding you here. But if you're siding with the Imperials..." "We're leading a coup against the Emperor," Galaxy Hunter spoke up. "Am I to take it you've turned against Nixon?" "I prefer to think of it as a spontaneous career change," Badass replied. "Think you guys could use some firepower?" They wasted no time in accepting. Badass packed quite a lot of firepower, one that could make a critical difference in the coming hour. "Nice to see you survived," Badass said to Rad as the force moved rapidly down the corridor. "You made a good opponent." "Er," Rad said. "I don't, like, get it. Why did you, like, turn against, like, this Nixon guy, like, huh?" "It was something to do," Benjen said. Slithis bonked him. "Peace o' mind," Badass replied, and said nothing more. Rad shrugged. ------------------------------------------------------------- The control center, the nerve system of the Ottsamaddawidu perimiter of battleships orbiting the planet, was abuzz with activity. Commanders rushed around like mad bringing reports to and from Admirals, Leiutenants ran back and forth bringing data to Commanders, and Domino's Pizza was on 24 hour standby (how they managed to deliver the pizza's in 30 minutes or less when the nearest Domino's is on Earth is a mystery best left unexplored). Key and Yury raised their mega-kill auto-fire bazookas, and were about to fire when Manny stopped them. "What are you doing?" he hissed. "We're only supposed to *temporarily* disable the command center." "Temporary depends on context," Key said. "After all, compared with the life span of the universe thus far, whatever we do here is *bound* to be temporary," Yury added. "Light weaponry only, girls," Chalandra whispered. They jutted out their lower lips and tried to pout, but Chalandra clapped her hand over Manny's mouth before he could give in. Sighing, they got out their single-fire bazookas instead. "That's better," Chalandra told them. "What was that for?" Manny asked as Key and Yury darted behind one of the computer banks. "You didn't have to do that." "Yes I did," Chalandra said. Manny grumbled, and turned back to peek around the edge of the "biorythms" machine. He gave the signal for Key and Yury to start their countdown. He felt a tap on his shoulder, and turned. "Just in case," Chalandra said, grabbing the back of his neck and pulling him forward. Her lips were the faint taste of blood, mixed with fire. The raid seemed sort of surreal for Manny after that. Afterwards, the only images he could recall were Key and Yury arguing with Chalandra that it really wasn't their fault, and that they had no way of knowing that one column supported the whole floor above. He came more to his senses (such as they were) as the group ran down a corridor. Fifty feet in front, he saw Herb Villachez, running and puffing, trying to catch up with someone who looked an awfully lot like Richard Nixon. "He's trying to get to the Grand Hall!" he heard Chalandra yell. "Stop him before he gets there!" Manny decided to reserve questions for later. CONTINUED IN PART TWO IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING... ========================================================================= Date: 18 Jan 1991 22:51:36 Subject: Rad 64 part two From: Fnarr! Fnarr! <34EPWQL@CMUVM> CONTINUED FROM PART ONE... Pyrene and Shadzak huffed and puffed down the corner, with Muuuahahahan StormUndDrangTroopers, safeties off this time for sure, hot on their tired heels. The corridor became narrower, and they had to run single file. There was a light up ahead. They were almost there. Shadzak emerged first, and found himself teetering on the edge of a great abyss. It was one of those huge, cavernous chambers they put in big places for no adequately explored reason, and the steel walls seemed to go up and down forever. The retractable bridge (with no guardrail, of course), was retracted, on the other side of the chamber. Shadzak had almost gotten his balance when Pyrene plowed into him, almost sending him over the edge. They regained their balance and looked back. StormUndDrangTroopers were closing in fast. "What do we do?" Shadzak whined, which is why he's the Administrix Minor, and not the Administrix Major, like Pyrene. "I've got it!" she said, after some deep thought. She pushed Shadzak to the edge of the doorway, and stood at the other edge. The Muuuahahahan troops charged in, and past, them, and over the edge like lemmings, shouting "A bit unsporting, that!" and "Not cricket at all, chaps!" "Morons," Pyrene mumbled. "Come on, Administrix Minor, we've got to get to the Great Hall to warn everyone that Dana Wader has troops loose in the Palace." ------------------------------------------------------------ "We're entering Hottentot space, sir," Leeza Hades told Captain Grovel. Grovel grunted, and turned to Ho Moroboshi, the designer of the starship they were on, the Super-Doubletalk-Fortress-1. So far, they had charged through three armadas just to get this far, leading a vast armada of hundreds of thousands of Epcot-center sized Chia Pets. Captain Doberman, the leader of one of the armadas they had trashed, had been incommunicative, but Rasea, his communications officer, had been more open - it was for this reason they allowed her on the bridge of the SDF-1. "I'm starting to broadcast Chia Pet commercial 323-HJ, sir," Rasea purred to him. Grovel nodded, and turned to Ho. "We're here, Ho," Grovel said. "It's your show from here." "As you wish, Captain," Ho said, without intentional sarcasm. "Lt. Hooter, start your bombing runs. Chia Alpha Bravo, Chia Bango Tango, Chia Hotta Momma, make your runs on Hottentot City. Deposit the commandoes and get out. Kaneda, get ready to go." The SDF-1 lurched with laser fire. "Return fire!" Grovel ordered. The battle had begun. ------------------------------------------------------------- The delegates, despite their great agitation and hostility, were nevertheless subdued as they watched Dana Wader and Dark Wader arguing. They were the Most Evil Couple in the Galaxy, and there was no telling what they might do. Gorgax/Liddy watched from the crowd, smiling darkly. Dana didn't suspect he had already betrayed her, and that she would not live long enough to see the galaxy go down in flames. The show was interrrupted as a couple of people came running in, panting and wheezing. The delegates recognized them as Pyrene and Shadzak, and pulled back in fear and loathing. Before Imperial guards could remove them, however, a scowling man raced in, with a short, waddling man hot on his heels. A sidekick, a vampire, and two scantily clad, well-armed women came charging in after them, firing their weapons at the scowling man. Even the scantily-clad, well-armed women stop firing and looked on in awe as the air was rent with a truly awesome barrage of bullets and firepower. Delegates hit the floor simultaneously. Spectacular beams of psychokinetic energy knocked down statues and punched holes in the floor, and knocked whole bunchs of Imperial guards clear into next Tuesday, which confused them greatly. This sort of psychokinetic/ bullet barrage went on for a good ten minutes until the Emperor's Viceroy, Roy, said "ahem." "Er, yah?" said the spectacularly-tanned one, the one who was doing the psychokinetic blast business. "If you don't mind my asking," Roy began. "Not at all," Badass said. "What are you doing to our Great Hall?" "Uh...is this, like, a trick question?" Rad asked. Roy sighed. "Guards!" bellowed Ianonuthink, from where he sat on a regal chair. "Arrest them! Arrest them all!" "Belay that," declared Galaxy Hunter. Ianonuthink looked at Hunter, stunned. "What did you say?" he asked, slowly. "Belay that," Galaxy Hunter said, louder. "Belay everything he orders you to do. The days of his rule are over." Gasps ran through the delegates. Cameras rolled. Dogs howled. "By what authority do you claim this throne?" Ianonuthink bellowed. "It has been in my line ever since this Empire was confined to a single planet. The Empire is loyal to the Throne, Hunter. That's how they're indoctrinated from birth. 'Our Emperor, right or wrong,' and all that. I repeat...what claim do you have?" Galaxy Hunter looked around the room, at all the delegates looking at him expectantly, at Pyrene and Shadzak, at Gorgax/Liddy, at Dana Wader and Dark Wader, at Akane, Hardeharharlock, Chalandra, Key, Yury, GLADYS, Manny, Badass, Jerriphrrt, Slithis, Benjen, Nixon, Herb, William, Thelma, Glum, Roy, Ianonuthink, Ian's troops, his own troops, and Rad. "Go fer it, dude," Rad said, like no one else can. Hunter saw Rad's muscles tensing as psychokinetic energy started to build up - he knew that a long and tough battle might lay ahead. He nodded. "I have a claim on the throne," Hunter said. "It is the same one I made long ago. You're mad, Ianonuthink, with your visions of war and power, of empire. I tried to stop you, but your minions hunted me down and killed me." A stir of confusion ran through the crowd. Ianonuthink's eyes started getting wider. "Tonight..." Hunter continued, building up to a dramatic finish, "I come back from the dead." The buzz of the crowd became louder as Hunter began unfastening and removing his helmet. "You cannot kill your brother again, Ian. You cannot kill...er, excuse me a moment." He turned to Rad. "Is it 'I, Ragna Rok,' or 'me, Ragna Rok,'?" "You're, like, asking me?" Rad said. "Hold on a second. Like, narrating dude, which one is it?" Hmmmph. Don't look at me, Rad. I get picked on for switching the i and e. "Right!" Hunter said, striving to regain his dramatic moment. He paused while the crowd got back into it. "You cannot kill..." He lifted the helmet from his head, letting his auburn hair spill out. His eyes were sharp with intelligence, his hairline receding with early middle age. "...Ragna Rok!" he shouted triumphantly. The crowd was swept with gasps of shock and surprise. Ianonuthink looked as pale as a sheet. As the sound of gasping died down, a single, solitary laugh could be heard, echoing through the Great Hall. Gorgax/ Liddy was the author of the laughter. It was the laugh of the supreme jester who had had the supreme jest played on him. "Truly, Hunter," Gorgax/Liddy said, catching his breath, "I love you like a brother now. In all my years of scheming I never pulled off something so intricate. A pity I will have to kill you." Dana Wader powered up her armor. Gorgax believed he had betrayed her, thinking she had wanted to leave this planet before the war reached it. On the contrary, she wouldn't have missed this for the multiverse. This would be fun. WHO WILL WIN? WHO WILL LOSE? WHO WILL BET UNDER THE POINT SPREAD? WILL THE PALACE REMAIN STANDING? ARE THE INVID STILL BUILDING A HIVE IN MICHIGAN, OR DID THEY GO CONDO? WILL NIXON CONTINUE TO HAVE THE STRANGE FEELING THAT SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW HE'S A SHOWER HEAD? ALL THIS AND THE EPIC CONCLUSION IN AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 21 Jan 1991 22:35:28 Subject: Rad 65 part one From: Fnarr! Fnarr! <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #65: "You Say You Want a Revolution" by Gary W. Olson The Great Hall exploded into chaos. Gorgax/Liddy struck first, firing a hidden rocket launcher at Galaxy Hunter. It missed, instead striking the banquet table and causing the Shriners at said banquet table to look miffed. Rad took to the air, firing his spectacular bolts of psychokinetic energy at whatever targets presented themselves, and there were plenty doing presentations. In addition to Gorgax/Liddy, there was Richard Nixon, who was still trying to get away from Herb Villachez; Dana Wader and Dark Wader; the Emperor Ianonuthink, who still looked rather stunned that Galaxy Hunter had revealed himself to be his long-thought-to-be-dead brother Ragna Rok; and a couple gazillion Ottsamaddawidu Troopers. The ones loyal to Galaxy Hunter were wearing 'Fat Slags' headbands, and seemed outnumbered by the ones loyal to the old Emperor. Seemingly out of nowhere, a foot struck Rad in the face, knocking him back. He shook his head, made a "burble-burble-burble" sound, and looked at his opponent. He recognized her from his nightmare in episode 59, and remembered what Galaxy Hunter had called her. No, besides that. "Dana Wader, like, the most totally heinously evil babe in the, like, galaxy, like, er, surrender, like, y'know?" Dana Wader laughed evilly. She didn't really understand what this strange yet incredibly well-tanned dolt was saying, but she had caught the important words, like her name and "surrender." "Hardly, silly person," she sneered. "If you want me, you'll have to blast me." So Rad did. The next thing he remembered, Dana was peeling him from the wall he had made an impact. "My armor absorbs energy blasts and repels them back onto the sender, magnified!" she declared. "You cannot stop me! Nor can you slow me down! Or cause me to pause for a nice brunch, perhaps with some brie cheese and a leisurely execution, or..." "Er," Rad said. "I, like, get the picture." He dodged as Dana swung a laser tipped foot at him, laughing. Down below, things were not going much better. Hardeharharlock, Galaxy Hunter, Pyrene and Shadzak, along with some Hunter loyalists, were battling their way slowly towards the Emperor Ianonuthink and his Viceroy Roy, who were looking about nervously. Badass, Key and Yury were pouring out a mind-numbing volume of ammunition, which, after the whole mess had been sorted out, would establish a new pan-galactic record, firing more shots in one hour than the whole A-Team had in n seasons. A few of them even hit their targets. Slithis, Benjen and Jerriphrrt decided to secure the liquor shuttle that ran up and down the long length of the banquet table, serving drinks to delegates that needed them. And with all this fighting going on, a lot of delegates needed a lot of drinks. So this battle was the fiercest of that day. However, since no one involved could remember exactly what happened afterwards, the details will be left to the readers' imaginations or reasonable facsimiles thereof if they lack such items. Prince Charles fought valiently to keep Barry Manilow from breaking out into song. Chalandra Harkness, Manny Seconds, William and Thelma all jumped on Richard M. Nixon and began pummeling him fiercely. Herb Villachez tried to clear them away, but got gang-bopped into the air, where he crashed onto the quite surprised Dark Wader, causing him to run into the cloud that contained the Deadheads from Planet X. Predictably, Dark wasn't seen again until after the battle, wearing tye-dye armor and rasping "peace, man" through his helmet, which had been hooked up to ditto ink fumes. Herb had the good (depending on your perspective) fortune to fall off just before reaching the cloud, and he shook his head as if it had just been cleared. While carnage ran rampant through the Great Hall, GLADYS moved forwards to where Glum stood, mindblank and uncomprehending of the chaos around her. Akane Moroboshi followed, occasionally scissor-kicking an Ottsamaddawidu trooper or Muuuahahahan StormUndDrangTrooper. "I'll need your help," GLADYS said. "I can reverse the blanking, but you must guard us while the procedure is in effect." "I'll try," Akane said, picking up a laser rifle from a fallen StormNinja. "But make it quick. Things aren't going well." That they were not. Dana Wader was chasing Rad around the incredibly huge chamber, firing laser beams at him and trying to cleave him in half. She was having difficulty, mostly because the intense glare from Rad's teeth was making her squint, but also because they occasionally were running into Parakeet People from Pollyus IV, who were munching contentedly on bird feed and were, up to that point, the only undisturbed people in the region. The liquor shuttle, meanwhile, was flying helter skelter around the chamber, and Hunter's group looked to be surrounded. "Well, well, well," a low, sinister voice said. Akane looked at G. Gordon Liddy, who bore an evil look on his face. "What have we here? A hatchling guarding the chicken coop?" Akane's eyes narrowed, and she lifted her gun and fired. Her face registered surprise as the laser fire bounced harmlessly off of Liddy's skin. "Don't be surprised," his voice purred. "Any body inhabited by Gorgax gets more'n a few bonuses. Now stand aside." ------------------------------------------------------------- "Sir!" Shammie called out from her station. "The Ottsamaddawidu defense perimiter is breaking up!" "We're tracking an escape pod down to the planet," Kimbo said. "Should we blast it?" "No," said Ho Moroboshi. "The enemy fleets have been incapacitated by the silliness of our attack. Once we receive word that the enemy ships have been secured, we'll proceed to the planet as scheduled. Do you concur, Captain?" "Yes," Grovel replied. "Have Lt. Hooter and his squad stand by." ------------------------------------------------------------- Threaydie and Captain Kenn had not known what had hit them. Wave after wave of organic starships had materialized around them, a frightening thing in and of itself, vastly outnumbering the rest of the ships assembled. Then...then something had happened...Threaydie was not sure what it was, but it had caused him to keel over with laughter, and possibly rupture something important to his bodily function. The next thing he had known, extremely well-tanned people were boarding his ship, giving him semi-incomprehensible orders and primping in the mirrors a lot. Threaydie had no choice but to surrender. The Muuuahahahan ships had not fared so well. Their commanders had been prepared, piping recordings of John Houseman reading the old testament and tragic vibes through their ships. Unfortunately, since half the ships were loyal to Dark Wader, and half were loyal to Dana Wader, they pretty much took each other out of the action. So much for the evil empire. The Ottsamaddawidu ships were forced to surrender, but not without some casualties, as the chia pets chewed through the metal hulls of the ships, showing that silliness was not the only threat this bizarre, green new enemy posed. Welsian Lo barely managed to escape, and now was heading back to the planet, to personally report his failure. ------------------------------------------------------------- Rad brought a table crashing down on Dana Wader's skull -- she reeled back, then charged with another assault. He could no longer directly assault her with psychokinetic beams, but could use his psychokinetic powers to make other offensive moves. "Like, wow, babe," he said. "Did anyone ever, like, tell you that, like, you are really, really, like, most persistant, like, y'know?" The gambit worked; Dana Wader paused for a second as she tried to figure out what the hell Rad just said. The liquor shuttle roared by, Jerriphrrt hanging on and screeching, with Slithis hanging on to his tail. Benjen flew behind, trying his best to keep up. Dana was struck by the wayward shuttle. The shuttle crashed into a large group of pro- Ianonuthink Troops, and spilled some liquor. Dana flew headlong into Richard Nixon, knocking him away from Chalandra's teeth. Chalandra's teeth touched Dana's armor, sending a large electrical shock into her, knocking her unconscious. Manny, enraged, screamed "Poughskeepie! The reds have captured the drive-in! Wrap those skipping stones in play dough!" almost by instinct - Dana, already reeling, became incredibly confused. William and Thelma started taunting her. Badass, at this point, noticed Nixon, and began firing at him. Nixon, angry at this point from having been beaten up and chased for so long, surprised Badass and just about everybody else by fighting back, poking the anthropomorphic donkey mercenary in the eyes and pulling on his ears. Rad dove in on a crowd of Ottsamaddawidu Imperial Troops, blasting them left and right into the distance. Hardeharharlock, Galaxy Hunter, Pyrene and Shadzak noticed a marked decrease in troops on both sides, finally realizing the cause. "Rad," Hardeharharlock said. "You're only supposed to knock out *their* troops." "Oops, like, got carried away, I guess, like, yah," Rad said. "Never mind," Pyrene said. "There's Ian now." The portly Emperor was trying to get away, but was having little luck. Barry Manilow was scurrying around the old Emperor's great bulk, trying desperately to hide from that mean old Prince Charles, who seemed to think he was Conan or something. Meanwhile, Akane thought quickly. This wasn't just G. Gordon Liddy. Something, probably the 'Gorgax' that Hunter had mentioned, was probably in control of him. But Gorgax had a weakness. He tended to take on the characteristics of the people he possessed over time. It was a slim chance, but... "Stand still!" she ordered him authoritatively, then whipped a foot in his face. Gorgax/Liddy staggered back. "Mouth open!" she ordered again, bringing a fist crashing under Gorgax/Liddy's chin, causing his teeth to ring from where they clashed together. Gorgax's thoughts raced with horror as Akane continued to bash him - Liddy's natural tendency to obey authority to an absurd degree was working against him. Akane was freezing his reflexes with orders, then attacking while he was halted. He had to escape, to a new body. It was hard to think, though. Dimly, he was aware he had fallen. The dome far, far above the hall exploded, sending glass arcing down in an electric rainbow - another element from Rad's prescient nightmare. Californian commandoes rained down into the hall, using anti-grav disks to slow their descent. They ran about, pelting most anyone who looked like a troop with tofu and sherbet. Familiar figures were among the commandoes. "Di!" called Prince Charles, from where he had Barry Manilow in a leg-lock. "I need a knockout blow, quick!" Di, ever obliging, jumped high in the air and brought her elbow crashing down onto Charles head. "No...on Manilow...you...you..." Charles said, before passing out. "Oops," said Di, giggling a bit. She then proceeded to body slam Manilow. Dana Wader, having recovered from her confusion, faced off against Manny and Chalandra. She decked Manny, and was wrestling with Chalandra in a match that Burt Ward would have given more than a few major organs to have seen, what with all the torn clothing and loose armor and writhing about and all that. Dana, having the upper hand, was just about to deliver the coup de grace, when Chalandra turned into a bat and escaped. Dana laughed smugly and activated her armors tracking systems, preparing to flambe the bat, when her armor and herself was engulfed in a pillar of fire. When it cleared, Dana was blackened and sooty. She turned to Manny and asked, quietly, "You got a cigarette?" before she passed out. Chalandra, after turning back into human form and landing on the back of Horace the Golden Dragon (the author of the pillar of flame), slapped him "five". CONTINUED IN PART TWO IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING... ========================================================================= Date: 21 Jan 1991 22:47:42 Subject: Rad 65 part two From: Fnarr! Fnarr! <34EPWQL@CMUVM> CONTINUED FROM PART ONE... Nixon ran from Badass. That mad donkey was gaining on him. Fortunately he had prepared for such an eventuality. Reaching the north wall, he pulled out a large weapon and fired it. It had a helluva recoil, and Badass was forced to jump for cover behind some Angry Youths from the planet neighboring Geritol. A few members of the Destroyer's race made disparaging comments about the evolution level of the participants, and the observer that the Alpha/Omega had sent smiled quietly to itself. The weapon blasted again. Galaxy Hunter, once he had ascertained Ianonuthink wasn't going anywhere, identified the weapon. "Jeez," he said. "It's a bloody Ultraviolet Oscillating Fillibrating Doubletalk Device! Take cover!" Nixon blasted indiscriminately, rather pleased he was the center of attention again. Akane saw one of the blasts heading straight towards GLADYS and Glum. She dove into the path of the blast, intent on taking the brunt of it. Manny, also in the vicinity and of similar thoughts, did the same. They collided at the same time the blast reached them, and fell over. Rad saw this, and roared. Nixon was astonished as the awesomely tanned being rushed into his line of sight. The weapon crumbled to dust in his hands, psychokinetically squashed. He tried to do a 'v' with his fingers, but it was too late - Rad hoisted him high in the air and belted him clear across the room. Badass swung his rocket launcher like a baseball bat and sent him soaring the other way, where he landed in front of Key and Yury, who utterly tortured his libido before sliding him along the floor to Eric Idle, Willard Scott, William and Thelma, who mocked him, before passing him farther along. He stopped in front of Glum, who bent down and buzzed him with 10,000 volts of bioelectric energy. The fighting went on for a bit longer, until Ultraguy, reaching in from the large hole that had once been a ceiling, slammed a fist down, causing everyone to stop. "Your attention, everyone!" Hunter declared. "This battle is over. From what the Californians have told me of the battle above, and from what has transpired today, it is time to pull back from the brink of war. Ianonuthink, Threaydie, Pyrene -- order your ships both here and elsewhere in the galaxy to cease all hostilities immediately." "But..." Threaydie began. "Do it!" Sean Connery thundered, and everyone stood once again in awe of Connery's truly amazing acting ability. The three leaders, having no choice, complied, although Pyrene was the only one who seemed happy about the whole situation. Soon, using communication gear provided by La Brime and Toastiro, the leaders did as they were told. As for the Muuuahahahans, they seemed to disappear as quickly as they had appeared, and combined superpower efforts to locate the Muuuahahahah Empire were fruitless. Badass sneered. Only he knew why they failed, but he was quiet. "Hail, my liege!" Ran Mikoto said, again dressed in his "Ranbo" outfit. "We did well, eh?" "Er, yah," Rad said. He saw Ho, Kenshiro, and Shinobu Moroboshi, his adoptive family, crowded around Manny and Akane, and rushed over. "They took quite a hit," Shinobu said. "Looks like they'll both be all right," Kenshiro said. "Anyone get the name..." Akane said weakly. "Of that...truck?" "We did good, eh Rad?" a Californian-type voice said. Rad turned to see Buffy and Dino, the leaders of Planet California. "Like, yah," Rad said. "Most truly excellent, like, y'know? Fer sure, like, totally." He felt another tap on his shoulder. He turned around yet again, a little impacient with all this turning around business, and stopped, slack-jawed at what he saw. "I knew you'd be back," Glum said. "Er," Rad replied. "I hope you're not, like, angry at me or, like, anything, like..." "Oh," Glum replied. "I'll show you just how angry I am with you." She wrapped her arms around his neck and gave him one spectacular, electric kiss, that caused his hair to stand out on end and crackle, made his ears wiggle and his toes curl and...well, that's enough graphic description. Suffice it to say the photo of this was reproduced on virtually every tabloid cover in the galaxy, resulting in a boom in the tabloid industry, which funneled immense powers to Elvis. "Kitten!" a gruff but loveable voice called out. "You're back!" Glum turned away, leaving Rad with a rather stunned, glassy look on his face. "Daddy!" she called out, starting towards him. She stopped, though, wary. "It's all right, dear," GLADYS called from beside Ianonuthink. "I've undone the mindwarping that Nixon had put on him. He had already done some damage to it, but not enough to completely escape." Glum hopped onto her father's expansive lap and hugged him, as they cheerfully electrocuted each other. G. Gordon Liddy sat up, looking confused. "Where...am I?" he muttered. "And what's with the light show?" "Gorgax!" Hunter growled. "In all this, I forgot about him!" "Over here, Hunter!" a voice called. Everyone looked on in awe. One of the Robert Smith twins had risen, and was looking oddly evil. "With this body, I will destroy you!" "That's depressing," the other Robert Smith said. "Odd...it is..." Gorgax/Smith said. "With each passing second, I seem to be growing more despondant. I...don't understand..." "Robert Smith's heightened state of depression is overcoming Gorgax," Chalandra noted. "I can't even escape, I'm so depressed," Gorgax/Smith wailed. "My clone is possessed," the other Smith wailed. "How depressing." Everyone took a break as the assorted villains were carted out of what was left of the Great Hall. Nixon, Liddy, Villachez, Dana Wader, and Gorgax/Smith were teleported to the most depressing planet in the known universe, Planet New Jersey. Dark Wader shucked his armor and changed his name to Moonbeam, and lived psychadelically ever after. ------------------------------------------------------------- "Well, now that that's settled," Ianonuthink said. "When are you going to marry Prince Barry Manilow, kitten?" "Daddy!" Glum stormed. "I don't want to marry him!" "He's the only prince left in the galaxy whom you haven't either rejected or put into electro-shock therapy," Ianonuthink said. "If you don't marry him, who will carry on the family line?" "We don't need an Emperor any more, father," Glum said. "Uncle Ragna has these ideas for government he got while he was over in the Claire system, and..." "I didn't say anything about Empire, did I?" Ianonuthink said. "Personally, I'll be glad to give up this ruling business, especially now that the galaxy is settling into this namby-pamby 'peace' thing. Now, if this 'Rad' person were a prince, you could marry him. But he isn't, so you can't, and that's *final!*" "No it isn't!" Lady Di screamed at him. "Why not?" bellowed Ianonuthink. "Because he *is* a prince!" Di screeched. "How do you know?!" bellowed Ianonuthink. "Because I'm a princess and he's my son!" she screeched at the top of her lungs. There was silence in the chamber for quite a while. "Er," Rad said. "What?" "It's true, Joe," Diana said. "I'm your biological mother, just as surely as Willard Scott is your biological father. I know what you're going to say - you have a family that loves you and all that. I didn't want to barge in or anything - I...I...just had to tell...you..." Rad embraced her as her tears flowed. Charles was miffed because he usually got to do the crying. "Hey, ma, ma," Rad said. "I know...I know...like, it's all right. I turned out all right, like, didn't I?" Di nodded. "I knew you were, like, out there somewhere and, like, you had abandoned me, but, like, I loved you anyway, like, I always have, like..." "I know, son," Di said. "Now stop before you confuse me too much." "You think you're confused," Ho said. "Wait till he tries to chart his family tree. Past lives, royal ancestry, adopted family -- it's a logistical nightmare." "Well, that still doesn't answer my big question," Manny said. "Which is?" Rad said. "Why the hell is Barry Manilow a prince?" "Er, gosh," Rad said. "I, like, dunno. Anybody, like, know?" Everyone firmly said no. Everyone, that is, except Prince Charles, who sort of was trying to be aloof. "Chuck, dude?" "Oh, er...damn," Charles said. "Oh well, I suppose it was going to come out anyway. Barry Manilow is *my* son -- I had a daring, secret love affair with Jane Pauly a few decades back." People started laughing. "No, really I did!" he insisted, to more giggling. "Honest!" "Well, I need proof," Ianonuthink said. "Of Rad being a prince, that is." "He's got a birthmark on his bum," Di said. "Like a star, pale white. His twin brother had one too, except his was incredibly tan." "So *that's* what that thing is," muttered Glum. "Er, twin brother?" Rad said, clearly confused. William and Thelma boggled at the news. "Yes," Di said. "I had twins. You were one of them. Right, Willard?" "I thought you only had one kid," Willard said, stunned. "Well, I had two," Di insisted. "Don't tell me you don't know where the other one is." Willard was forced to admit he did not. The hospital orderlies had only showed him one child, and Di hadn't said anything about twins. Rad, while stunned, was not reeling. He felt the revelations match forgotten memories buried in what medical science charitably called his brain. He was a Prince. An honest to Elvis prince. Should I...? he thought. Then he saw her, standing in front of him, and he knew he would, that it was all he had wanted since that night over a year ago that she had spun him away from Kim Basinger and sent thousands of volts of electricity coursing through him. "Er...Glum," he began gallantly. "Yes, darling?" she whispered. "Will you, like, er, uh, mmmmaa-mmmmaaa-mmmmaaarr--" Manny thumped him on the back. "-marry me?" "Yes!" Glum squealed, hugging him and causing everyone within twenty feet to have severe electrical shocks. Tabloid circulation increased yet again, as they finally had a headline to go with the photo. The roars of approval from the assembled delegates and relatives and such had just died down when there was a shimmering effect nearby. All heads turned towards the figures that had materialized there. "Odd, Captain," a puppet worn on the hand of one of the figures seemed to say. "This does not look like Barbados at all." "Brilliant, Splock," Jimbo Quirk beamed. "What would I do without you?" "Don't say that, Captain," Splock said. "The thought of being seperated from you brings a tear to my eye." Another figure next to them, Boner McFly, cursed angrily as the Splock puppet shed a tear. "Dammit, Jimbo!" he cursed. "Stop that!" "The doctor seems upset that I have proven more human than he, Captain," Splock said. Jimbo beamed. Boner cursed. "Hey, you guys," Rad said. "This, like, may not be Barbados, but, like, you're welcome to stay, like, for the wedding party." "Wedding party?" Sulu and Chakoff said in unison. "Why, Splock," Jimbo said. "You never told me..." Boner went spastic around this point. Everyone laughed. WHEW! IT'S FINALLY OVER! WILL RAD HAVE SECOND THOUGHTS? WILL JERRIPHRRT, SLITHIS AND BENJEN SOBER UP IN TIME FOR THE RECEPTION? WILL THE BLAST THAT HIT AKANE AND MANNY HAVE ANY EFFECTS? WILL MONTANA STOP MAKING THOSE MORONIC "STREET HIKING" COMMERCIALS NOW THAT THE 49'ERS ARE OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS? CAN RAD'S FAMILY TREE POSSIBLY GET MORE COMPLICATED? ALL THIS AND WEDDING BELLS ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 25 Jan 1991 13:10:54 Subject: Rad 666...er, scratch that...66, part one From: Fnarr! Fnarr! <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #66: "Take thy Hand" by Gary W. Olson "If you don't stand still," Manny growled, "I'll never get your tuxedo straightened, Rad." Rad obliged and held still. "You know, dude," Rad said. "Most of my totally excellent tan will be covered by this most gnarly tuxedo thing. Must I, like, wear it?" "'Fraid so," Ragna Rok, alias Galaxy Hunter, told him. "Formal custom. Besides, pseudo-tiger-skin print look good on you." "How did you, like, get this, y'know, custom of having pseudo- tiger-skin as the official Royal dress, like, y'know?" "Well," Ragna said. "Legend has it that our first Emperor, Sid Caesar, was uniting the planet when the Tribes were attacked by a vicious pack of pseudo-tigers that had spontaneously evolved out of Yellow Dye #5 and synthetic nylon fibers. There was a fierce battle, and..." Ragna was interrupted by the sounds of grand music coming from the Great Hall. "That's my cue...talk to you later, guys." Ragna Rok quickly strode out of the exit. Rad listened to the music and pondered the past few weeks. Most of it had been spent fixing up the Great Hall, which had been greatly damaged in the revolutionary battle. Ragna Rok, as Galaxy Hunter, had been visiting various world-states in the former Empire (now known as the Ottsamaddawidu Confederation), working out the new structure. Some systems decided to declare independence, and were officially recognized by the newly organized Confederated Legislature as independent entities, but most had decided to remain. Further plans, such as direct voting through computerized systems, would be implemented in the coming months. The galactic superpowers forged a peace agreement, a task made easier by the sudden conspicuous absence of the Muuuahahahah Empire. It's armadas had been wiped out, and every planet it held had been freed. The Dalan Empire dropped the 'Empire' to simply become 'The Dalan', and there was a minor controversy over why the heck it was called an Empire in the first place since it didn't have an Emperor. Damage was not completely averted, however. Some systems overthrew their governments, and the regimes that replaced them were sometimes not exactly beneficial. Also suspect was an increase in the production of Bloodhound Droids, for reasons unspecified. The wedding had occupied Rad's attention the most, however. Plans had to be made, decorations put up, and people invited. Rad managed to locate Max Vax and Laura Laffalot, and have them transmatted to Hottentot, but other superheroes were more difficult to find, except for the Awesome Force, who seemed to be everywhere, but never returned the calls that Rad left with Gus, their sentient computer. "There," Manny said, finished. "Let's get out there." ------------------------------------------------------------- The dimensional door closed behind Dana Wader, Richard Nixon, Paranoia, G. Gordon Liddy, Gorgax/Robert Smith #2 and Herb Villachez. They faced the dismal, boring landscape of Planet New Jersey. It was where the worst criminals of the galaxy were dumped. No ships ever landed, and what plants and animals were there were edible, if bland. "I'm doomed," Paranoia said. "I'll fall into a pool of toxic waste." "I'll push you in if you don't shut up," Dana Wader growled. "Where were you during the big battle last episode?" "Hiding," Paranoia said. "You were all out to get me." Richard Nixon harrumphed. "Author incompetence is the reason..." Lightning flashed, and Nixon was electrocuted. "I take that back!" he added hastily. "What'll we do now?" G. Gordon Liddy asked. "Who cares?" Gorgax/Smith whined. "This planet is depressing." "Not to worry," Dana said, pulling a device out of her armor and pushing the button set into it. "Let's see...Earth, was it?" "Uh, yes," Nixon said. A dimensional door sprang open and chirping birds were heard on the other side. Nixon stared. "Medocino, California... my hometown," he muttered. "But how...?" "That will remain a secret, at least for now," Dana said. "I offer you this out of respect for your devious scheming and total lack of ethics. Perhaps someday we will work together." "Sooner than I may expect, I'll bet," Nixon said. "Just give me a call -- I'll be at my library, burning a few tapes. Come on, Gordon, Herb..." "But, boss," Villachez said. "What about Robert Smith?" "Leave 'im here," Nixon said. "Gorgax is possessing him, and I'm not keen on helping him get to Earth. Besides, the other Robert Smith is going to Earth anyways." With that, Nixon, Liddy and Villachez crossed over from Planet New Jersey to Medocino, California. The dimensional door closed, then opened. "Come along, Paranoia," Dana said. "You may be a coward, but you're a useful coward." "Where are we going?" Paranoia whined. "The heart of the Muuuahahahah Empire, or what's left of it," Dana said. "Which is?" Paranoia asked. "Sorry," Dana said. "That's a future plotline." They stepped through and the dimensional door closed. Gorgax/Smith slumped to the ground, quite depressed but mildly pleased to be alone. -------------------------------------------------------------- Hottentottian weddings are, to say the least, dissimilar to traditional "western" Earth weddings. For one thing, most everybody stays on the ground during the ceremony on Earth, while Hottentottian weddings take place at about 100' altitude, with the guests arranged in a spherical pattern around the center. Guests that weren't flight- capable wore anti-grav discs and were secured with tethers so they wouldn't just float off. Rad hung in the center, nervously waiting. Finally, the old priest entered. "Mmmmm mmph mmmm," he said casually. "Er, what?" Rad said. The old priest mumbled the sentence again. "Er, whatever." Just then, wedding music which sounded suspiciously similar to a pirated "Doors" cassette played, and Glum made her enterance. GLADYS, inhabiting her human construct, followed, dressed in a blue dress. People buzzed, and the crowd parted, allowing them to the center of the sphere. The "Doors" music stopped, and was replaced with the traditional "At Night, the Ice Weasels Come," performed by Barry Manilow, who had no hard feelings about being rejected by Glum and in fact had just remembered he was already married. The priest motioned for silence. "Mmmm..." the Priest said. "MMMmmm er mmm mmmm?" "He said," GLADYS interpreted. "Anyone know why these two shouldn't be married yet?" Noone could think of a reason. "Mmmm MMMM m uh mmmm mmmm?" "Anyone know why Bush picked Quayle for VP?" Again, noone could think of a reason. "Mmmm, mm mmm mmmmmm mmmmmmm mm mm mm mmmm-m-mmmmmmmm, mmm..." "Then," GLADYS interpreted, "by the powers invested in me by Rent-a-Preacher, Ltd..." "M mmmmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmm mmmmmmm. Mmm's mmmmm!" "I prounounce you woman and husband. Let's party!" The cameras flashed and the crowd cheered as Rad engaged in a particularly deep kiss with Glum. Sobbing was heard from a few of the guests, including a particular puppet, dressed up in a hand-crocheted tuxedo. "Dammit, Jimbo," Boner McFly hissed. "Stop that!" "Stop what, Boner?" Jimbo asked, puzzled. "You know Splock always cries at weddings." "Boo-hoo-hoo," sobbed Splock. A small strangulated sound came from the back of McFly's throat. Mr. Spot sipped some Scotch and passed the bottle to Toastiro. Already, the guests were returning to the floor, ready to begin some serious partying. --------------------------------------------------------------- J. Danforth Quayle was happily playing "Super Mario Brothers 3" when John Sununu told him that George Bush had disappeared into the television dimension, leaving him as acting President. It was a controversial decision, as many believed universal chaos and destruction to be preferable to what Quayle could do through his incompetence, but the law was quite strict in this regard. He had tried to get Faith and Healer back to Washington, so they could help the Awesome Force find George, but they were on vacation yet again. Quayle thought idly about firing them, but decided he couldn't. He turned to Secret Secret Agent Richard Less, who had come in with Sununu and stayed when Sununu left. "What?" he said wittily. "There's been unusual activity around the city," Less said. "Leisure suit sales have skyrocketed in the past week. Sideburns are growing on men, and women's hairstyles have gone weird. Old Bee Gees albums are suddenly going platinum. It all points to one thing - a sudden rise in '70's nostalgia." "Oh my God," Quayle said. "That's even more terrifying than me as President!" "Yes," Less said. "We believe this to be the work of a terrorist organization called the '70s Preservation Society'. Likely, there is no connection between this and the incident of George Bush disappearing, but disturbances in the tv dimension could give them greater power." "How so?" Quayle asked. "Channel 23 has been playing 70s 'Dance Fever' reruns all this week, as part of their 'Salute to the 70s.'" "Er, right," Quayle said, vaguely terrified at the thought. "Take charge of the efforts to combat this menace. Put Project: Grunionbuster on hold." "It's been on hold ever since the Grunion author dissappeared, sir," Less said as he left. Quayle decided he'd better water his ferns. CONTINUED IN PART TWO IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING... ========================================================================= Date: 25 Jan 1991 13:02:27 Subject: Rad 66 part two From: Fnarr! Fnarr! <34EPWQL@CMUVM> CONTINUED FROM PART ONE... The party was going quite well, entering it's fifth hour. Rad and Glum put on a fairly spectacular display of combination waltz/lambada/ hokey-pokey, the dance style that for no good reason was popular in the galaxy at the moment. Sulu and Chakoff, along with Slithis, Benjen and Prince Charles, were engaged in a really intense game of poker, which became quite interesting after the tenth round of drinks. "Care to dance?" Manny asked Chalandra. "Not really," Chalandra said. "Why not?" Manny said, still remembering that kiss Chalandra had given him before the Revolutionary Battle. "You're a yutz," Chalandra said. "Cute, true, but a yutz." "Plllleeeeaaaaasssseeee?" Manny whined. It was a low trick, but it usually worked. This was no exception. Chalandra relented, and found that Manny was a surprisingly good dancer. Others had less success. Jerriphrrt pursued the sexy yet demure Rasea all night. Seeing another Calican in the Ottsamaddawidu Confederation was rare, as Calico was located in the Heyustarddedit Federation. Seeing a female Calican was especially rare, and seeing a sexy yet demure Calican was an opportunity not to be missed. "So, dude," Rad said to Max Vax, as they sipped champagne. "I see you made it back to Earth safely." "Yes," Max said. "Should have known better than to mess with those Transmat machines. Nasty things, those. Thought I'd have a storyline when I got back, but ended up sitting around." Ragna Rok, out of his Galaxy Hunter armor in public for the first time in ages, was enjoying the party tremendously. His robot, Starblazer hit on GLADYS all night, but she informed him that his hard drive was obsolete, which, if you're a male droid, is not a nice thing to hear. Sean Connery was dancing with Key and Hardeharharlock was dancing with Yury, and both seemed to be having a good time. Mr. Spot and Toastiro had a dueling scottish accent contest, while a large group, including but not limited to Pyrene, Shadzak, Threaydie, Ianonuthink, William, Thelma, Halapadin Krisko, Welsian Lo, Captain Kenn, Fido Doberman, Aleph, Roy, Buffy, Dino, Capt. Grovel, Lt. Hooter, Leeza Hades, Lynt Minutemaid, Ho Moroboshi, Willard Scott, Eric Idle, Lady Di, Horace the Dragon, Barry Manilow, Kaneda Suhiro and Ran Mikoto watched and cheered them on. Large amounts of money changed hands as more drinks were served. Later on in the evening, Key and Yury adjourned with Badass to the firing range, in the west wing. Naturally, no one even went near the west wing for the rest of the evening, and construction crews were ordered to stand by. "This is the happiest day of my life," Shinobu Moroboshi told Rad between tears. Beside her, Jimbo Quirk and Splock shared a plate of tofu and pepperoni pizza. Kenshiro Moroboshi, Rad's adoptive father, offered Rad some fatherly advice, which mostly seemed to consist of anecdotes on car repair, but Rad didn't mind. Akane got a dance with her step-brother before he left for the evening. When he asked her if she had suffered any effects from being struck by a beam from the UOFDD, she assured him she was fine, although things seemed a bit brighter than before. ------------------------------------------------------------- Epilogue. Over the next few days, everyone went their seperate ways again. Hardeharharlock and his crew took to the spaceways. The galactic powers had calmed to peace and were generally less tyrannical, but there was still a lot of tyranny in the galaxy, so the crusade would continue. One person who did not go along with Hardeharharlock was Sean Connery, who went back along with the Earth crowd to Earth. Chuck and Di returned to Buckingham Palace, the Moroboshis and Key and Yury returned to Japan, Badass took off on a government assignment as soon as he got back, and Willard Scott and Eric Idle returned to their respective jobs. Chalandra Harkness said goodbye to Horace, who was finally able to get to the SpamWay Convention on Tertius III, and took the long way to Earth with Max Vax, Laura Laffalot, Kaneda Suhiro, Barry Manilow and the crew of the Super-Doubletalk-Fortress-1. All the delegates, including Pyrene, Shadzak, Threaydie, William and Thelma, returned to their respective worlds. Moonbeam, formerly Dark Wader, went with the Deadheads from Planet X, much to the Shriners dismay. Captain Kenn, Fido Doberman, Welsian Lo, Aleph and Rasea resigned from their various military organizations and formed a vaudeville band. The Robert Smith that hadn't been possessed by Gorgax returned to Earth and rejoined The Cure, which elated everyone except Robert, who remained generally depressed about the whole thing. Buffy, Dino, Ran Mikoto and the other Californians returned, along with their chia pets, to Planet California, though Rad promised to visit often. (Whew...pause to catch breath...) Jerriphrrt, Slithis, and Benjen shipped out with the crew of the Starship Winaprize towards Planet Krunch, on their way to ask The Sage just where the heck Barbados, Planet of Physical Delights, was, anyway. Manny, after waiting around a few more weeks for Rad, went home to Earth via TransMat beam. A TransMat portal was installed in Rad's home on Earth -- making visiting simple and easy. GLADYS went too -- it was her duty to look after Glum, she argued, even if she had to do so on a mudhole like Earth. Rad and Glum said goodbye to Ragna Rok/Galaxy Hunter, the Emperor (figurehead) Ianonuthink, and his Viceroy, Roy, and set out for Earth in a brand new Imperial Star Yacht. "Like, wow," Rad said. "My head is spinning after all of that like, useless exposition, like, y'know, dude?" It's an epilogue, Rad. Loose ends have to be tied up, things like that. "Speaking of tying things up, darling," Glum said. "We have a few hours until we get to Earth, and golly, just nothing to see or do..." The door closed, and faint giggling was heard from the other side. The spirit of Elvis materialized, and infused the ship with his hip presence. His gamble had worked, and the galaxy had been strengthened against the forces of the anti-Elvis and the possible coming of Satan T. Lucifer Jones from the SfStory digest. He disappeared again, but not before putting in a CD of his greatest hits, and taking a bag of donuts from ships' stores. The yacht rocked and rolled all the way to Earth. AWWWWW, WASN'T THAT A WONDERFUL ENDING? WILL THE SPECTRE OF 70'S NOSTALGIA PUT A CRIMP IN RAD'S HONEYMOON? WILL READERS REMEMBER WHO RICHARD LESS IS? WILL EVAN PONGRESS POST HIS BURT WARD STORY BEFORE THIS GETS OUT? WILL SAM AND BERT MAKE IT TO BROADWAY? SOME OF THIS AND BOOGIE OOGIE OOGIE ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 30 Jan 1991 17:04:23 Subject: Rad 67: Mr. Moroboshi Goes to Washington From: It was like that when I got here... <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #67: "Mr. Moroboshi Goes to Washington" by Gary W. Olson Manny wandered into the former storage room in Rad's beach house. Inside, in place of racks filled with tanning lotion, sunscreen, tofu refridgeration units, worn-out mirrors and burned-out tanning beds stood a large contraption of alien machinery. It gleamed in what sunlight was available, and looked sort of like those transporters in "Star Trek", except for the psychadaelic coloring. One of the compartments under the base of the machine was opened, and two shapely legs extended out. Rad's sidekick extraordinaire was, as per usual, confused about why this alien machine, which would allow instantaneous transport between Earth and Glum's home planet of Hottentot, had legs, especially legs as gorgeous as the one's he was looking at. At that moment, the owner of the legs pushed out from the machine. Manny blushed. "Oh," he said. "Hi, GLADYS." GLADYS, Glum's personal AI, inhabited a humanoid female construct that was, to say the least, well proportioned Manny noticed that, despite the 90 degree temperatures, GLADYS did not sweat at all. That, and her glowing green eyes gave him the creeps. She handed him what looked like a small lump of metal. "Hold on to this, will you, Manny?" she said. Manny took the lump of metal, and realized it was a lot heavier than it looked. It, and his hand crashed into the floor, making a small dent. GLADYS, meanwhile, was selecting between various alien looking tools. "Do you know when they'll be back?" she asked. Manny, still trying to lift the small lump of metal, or at least roll it off his hand, said "Nope...never can tell, with the government..." "I suppose not," GLADYS sighed, finally selecting the right tool to use. She turned, to see Manny vainly trying to lift the metal lump. "Here," she said, picking it up from his hand like it was made of styro- foam. "Sorry about that - I forgot how heavy these tachyon circuits can get..." She went back under the alien-looking machinery, taking the tool and the circuit with her. Manny sighed, and went off in search of some ice water for his injured hand. ------------------------------------------------------------- "What do you *mean* we can't be legally married?" Glum snarled at the clerk behind the desk. He was bland-looking, with short, mousy hair, a bow tie and thick glasses. At the moment, his hair was standing out on end and smoking a bit, because Glum had just blasted him with approximately 1000 volts of electricity. "I'm sorry," he went on, as if nothing had happened. "But it's all in Paragraphs 23ii-47iibi of Section 34.1.1.78.45 of Statute 9285 of the Californian Civil Code. This state doesn't recognize marriages that occur on other planets." "Like, wait, dude," Rad said, still trying to be polite. "How, like, can such a law, like, exist when, like, this government, like, doesn't admit that there is, like, life on other, like, planets?" "We're pretty sure it was one of the lawmakers playing a practical joke," the clerk went on. "Just to see if anyone was actually reading what they were voting for. Nevertheless, it's the law. Legally, there's nothing you or I can do. Of course, if you had friends in high places..." Rad tried to think of someone, anyone, he knew who lived in the mountains. Predictably, he failed. "Well, we do!" Glum growled. She grabbed Rad's arm and led him out of the office. Rad still looked confused. "Like, who do we know in high places?" he asked. "That shrub guy we saved last year," Glum said. "What was his name?" "Shrub?" mused Rad. "You mean Bush?" "Er, yes, whatever," Glum replied. Rad thought some more. "But the White House is, like, close to, like, sea level, like, y'know?" Rad said. Glum sighed. ------------------------------------------------------------- Dan Quayle was well into the second world of "The Legend of Zelda" on his Nintendo Entertainment System (yes, dammit, they paid for this plug -- Superguy writers need Porsches too, you know...) when John Sununu, White House cheif of staff and SNUCCI infiltrator, interrupted him with a report on the latest developments. "70's nostalgia is spreading all across the country, sir," he said, smiling faintly as his distraction caused Zelda to lose a life. "Unfortunately, only the worst elements of the 70's appear to be spreading -- disco, fern bars, oil shortages, Jimmy Carter -- the list goes on. The cool elements of the '70s, like The Doors and the sexual revolution are nowhere to be seen." "What's causing this?" Quayle asked. "The Secret Secret Agent in charge of the investigation, Richard Less, hasn't identified any causes yet, except the terrorist group known as the 70s Preservation Society. Most of our resources at the moment are devoted towards retrieving President Bush from the tv dimension. If you'll take a look at monitor three..." Monitor three clicked on, and showed the member of Awesome Force code named Bink caught up in the middle of the slaughter of the Brady Bunch. Gory and repulsive - and that was just the laugh track. "Contact Faith and Healer," Quayle ordered. "We don't know where they..." Sununu began. "Then *find* them," Quayle growled. "And get me a comb for my sideburns." Sununu ran away, realizing that Quayle was getting caught up in the subtle yet utterly pathetic sirens' song of the 70's. ------------------------------------------------------------- Speaking of pathetic, we join the Winaprize crew as they thrust through space on a penetrating mission - to find Barbados, the Planet of Physical Delights. On the bridge, Jerriphrrt and Slithis were learning how to break into scrambled cable tv signals using the Winaprize's futuristic technology from Sulu, and Chakoff and Benjen were teaching the ship's food synthesizers to reproduce ice cubes in the forms of nubile, unclad humanoid females when Boner McFly, the ship's doctor, walked in. "Isn't anybody driving this blasted ship?" he growled. "It's on autopilot," Chakoff said. Sulu nodded vigorously. At that point, Jimbo Quirk, the captain of the Winaprize, strolled in, his Splock puppet on one of his hands. "Yet again you have beaten me at 3-d chess," Splock was saying. "Truly, I have never had such a brilliant Captain as you." Jimbo beamed with pride, and McFly's blood pressure shot up again. "He's the *only* captain you've ever had because you're a goddamn *puppet*!" Boner yelled. Splock looked sad. "I don't believe it," Boner said. "I'm talking to a puppet." "Where are you going, Boner?" Quirk asked. "Don't you want to meet the Sage? He can probably tell you how to cut down on all that stress..." "Maybe I can ask him how you ever got to be Captain!" Boner growled. "It's probably because I'm so handsome, intelligent, spunky, and debonaire, Boner," Quirk said. Splock shed a tear of pride as he looked up at his Captain. Boner left the bridge before he ruptured something. Jerriphrrt, Slithis and Benjen laughed along with Sulu and Chakoff. "Captain!" Sulu announced. "We've entered the Zagnutbar system, and have been cleared to approach The Sage's space station." ------------------------------------------------------------- The space yacht shot across the sky at amazing speeds, generating sonic booms and not a small amount of wind. In the city called Bob, two people looked up at the passing ship. "Is that one of them thar yew-eff-oh's, Henry?" one asked. "Could be, Madge," Henry drawled. "T'weren't there yestiday." On board the excitingly shaped ship, Rad, Manny, Glum and GLADYS watched the Earth passing by underneath. That is, Rad, Manny and Glum did - GLADYS left her human construct and entered the ship's computer. "Our E.T.A. at Washington is 7.3 minutes," GLADYS' voice announced. "Wonder, like, how we, like, explain this to George?" Rad pondered. "Might be more difficult than that," Manny said, flipping on the television set. "Look!" He had turned on one of the monitors and set it to receive Earth tv signals. On the screen, the member of the Awesome Force known as Rat was being taken care of by the Addams Family, while George Bush was wandering about in another room. "Like, whoah," Rad said. "I, like, don't remember this episode." "It looks like that shrub person got caught in the tv dimension, like you did a few months ago," Glum said. "I hope the Awesome Force is able to handle the situation -- I don't want you trapped in there *again*." "Me neither," Rad said. "Hey...this is recording on videocassette." Rad played back the scene they had seen earlier. "Why, like, is it recording, like, now, when back when I was in, like, the tv dimension, like, it wouldn't record?" "Your trip to the tv dimension was a case of the quantum absurdity principle occuring randomly in nature," GLADYS stated. "As such, it did little damage to the universal continuity. An intentional application of the q.a.p, as applied to the tv dimension, however, results in greater disturbances to continuity -- indeed, permanent ones, such as leaving a record of the disturbance." Rad blinked densly. "Never mind," GLADYS said, with what must have been the AI equivalent of a sigh. "We're arriving right now at the airport." They felt the sensation of deceleration mildly, as the ship landed on an unused runway. After movement had stopped, GLADYS' human construct came to life. "Okay," Glum said. "Everyone out of the ship." They walked down the exit ramp, and turned to face the ship. It projected a hologram of a Northwestern jet with several pilots partying in plain sight of whoever walked by -- essentially, the perfect disguise, as no one would dare approach. "Like, right, dudes," Rad said. "We need, like, to talk to, like, the Bush dude, but, like, he's in the, like, tv dimension, so we need to find, like, the Quayle dude." "I thought he didn't like you," Manny noted. "Er, he doesn't, like, I guess," Rad said. "We will, I guess, like, have to think of something, like, y'know?" The operative verb, of course being 'think.' "Well, okay, you three, like, will have to think of something, like, y'know? Meanwhile, let's, like, get a cab, eh?" They hailed a cab, and, eventually, one pulled up. Before anyone could do anything, large numbers of scantily clad men and women jumped out and surrounded Rad and company. Their movements were coordinated to the greatest hits of "The Captain and Tenille," which in itself qualified as an attack of sorts. "Like, wow," Rad said. "I recognize these dudes and dudettes." "Who are they?" Manny asked. "They're the Solid Gold dancers, dude," Rad said. "We are in, like, big trouble..." ------------------------------------------------------------- "There's been a dramatic upsurge in 70's nostalgia in the recent weeks," Richard Less said to the figure in the big leather chair that was facing away from him. The figure jumped, removed the blinders from his eyes and swung the chair around. "Don't sneak up on me like that, Less!" FlatPhoot growled. "Do you have any idea how difficult it is, even for me, to get decent sleep after eating an avacado and kiwi dip pizza?" "Regardless," Less said. "Our plan is working. In another couple of days, 70's nostalgia will have a firm grip on the entire country. No superhero will be able to stand against it." "Good..." said the arch-less villain of all super heroes. "As soon as Sununu succeeds in locating Faith and Healer I'll be able to implement my plans to make Faith the ultimate weapon in my 70's arsenal. Have the Solid Gold Dancers attacked Rad yet?" "They are engaging him as we speak, FlatPhoot," Less replied. "Good," said FlatPhoot. "With Rad and the Awesome Force gone, no one will be able to stop my evil plans!" Much villainous laughter ensued. WILL RAD AND CO. BE DEFEATED BY THE SOLID GOLD DANCERS? WHAT OTHER HEINOUS 70'S THREATS AWAIT OUR HEROES? WILL QUAYLE HAVE TO RAISE HIS INTELLIGENCE TO BECOME A MINDLESS DISCO STIFF? DOES THE SAGE KNOW WHERE BARBADOS IS? IF SO, WHY ISN'T HE THERE RIGHT NOW? ALL THIS AND STAYIN' ALIVE ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! [read the adventures of the Renegade Anarchists on Sfstory!] ========================================================================= Date: 02 Feb 1991 00:55:38 Subject: Rad 68: Stayin' Alive From: It was like that when I got here... <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #68: "Stayin' Alive" by Gary W. Olson The "Solid Gold" theme song started playing, and the Solid Gold Dancers attacked Rad, Manny, Glum and GLADYS. They scissor-kicked and jumped, slithered and shimmeyed, wiggled and waggled, trying to beat them up. Manny tried to dodge a couple legs, but failed, and went down. Rad dodged a particularly sexy dancer and psychokinetically blasted her into a whole cadre of dancers trying to dance to the Ohio Players. Glum fried anyone who danced too close, while GLADYS simply stood where she was. Dancer after dancer went down, clutching legs, arms, or other injury-prone portions of their spandex-covered anatomy after finding out GLADYS was a lot tougher (and painful to kick or hit) than she looked. The Solid Gold dancers regrouped, ready to attack again, when they were whistled at by an occupant within the taxi that had delivered them. Sullenly, they gathered back into the taxi. "Like, wait a minute," Rad yelled, charging towards the taxi. "Like what is, y'know, going on here? Why have we, like, been attacked?" He stuck his head in the taxi, then he withdrew it and started spitting on the sidewalk. His face was dotted with lipstick marks. "Ha!" Madame said, sticking her marionette head out the window. "Another Californian hunk falls before my seductive eyes..." "You, like, nearly bit my nose off!" Rad accused her. "I can't help it if I lose control," Madame replied. "Anyway, the Dancers and I have to be retreating now. But don't worry! Once we have Quayle, we'll be back for you, my wild stallion. Drive, Pinky!" The taxi cab drove off, with Madame waving at them, while they were still stunned. "That was weird," Manny said, standing back up. "Sure was," Glum said. "Are marionettes on this planet all like that?" "Er, not that I know of," Rad said, wiping the ruby red lipstick off of his face. "Anyway, like, we've got to stop them, like, from kidnapping Quayle, like, y'know?" "But it could be a trick," Glum warned. "Even so," GLADYS said, "We can't take that chance. Nor can we risk leaving the rest of the city unguarded. You and Manny go to the White House and warn Quayle, while Glum and I will try to locate these Solid Gold people." "But--" Rad began. "Don't worry, my 'wild stallion,'" Glum said, and giggled at bit as Rad blushed. "We can keep in contact through the transmitters in our wedding rings." The rings glittered in the sunlight. "Well, er, okay," Rad said. He leaned over and they exchanged a breif, firm kiss with her, then grabbed the back of Manny's shirt. Glum and GLADYS listened to Manny's cursing fade away as Rad flew off with him into the distance. "Okay, let's get going," GLADYS said. "We could start -- my lady, are you all right?" Glum had stopped and started looking sort of queasy. "My stomach," she said slowly. She waited a few moments more. "There, it's passed." "You're sure?" GLADYS said. Glum nodded. But as Glum flew over the Washington, D.C. landscape, carrying GLADYS, she reflected that inside, she was far from all right... ------------------------------------------------------------- FlatPhoot snarled. Madame and the Solid Gold dancers had failed to crush Rad, as he had ordered them to do the instant he had learned he and his companions were on their way. Fortunately, he had other threats available. He looked over his computer list. "Let's see..." he mumbled. "The Mod Squad is harassing the mayor of New York. CHiPs is aggrevating most of California, and the early 'Love Boat' is terrorizing the Acapulco tourist route. K.C. and the Sunshine Band are on their way to the city of Bob, and Robert Urich is plaguing Vega$. The whole U.S. is falling under my domination, but I don't have any minions available at the moment." He paused, and munched on a bit of pepperoni. "Wait...here we go." He leaned over to a microphone. "Danny, John...could you come over here a moment?" boomed out of the speakers. Danny Terrio and John Travolta, only about ten feet from the desk, stepped closer. "Yo, Mr. F!" Travolta said. "What's shakin'?" "I want you and Terrio, here," FlatPhoot ordered, "to go out and kidnap Quayle. If you see Secret Secret Agent Richard Less, stun him but don't kill him -- noone must suspect he's my ally. Now go!" FlatPhoot laughed evilly as Terrio and Travolta ran from the room. ------------------------------------------------------------- Jerriphrrt, Slithis and Benjen entered the old, decrepit space station, and looked around. "All clear," Jerriphrrt called back. Splock with a little clear plastic helmet taken from one of those 25-cent machin covering his head. Soon, Jimbo T. Quirk, wearing breathing gear, peered around the corner. "You're *sure* it's safe?" "Of course it's safe," Slithis said. "There's even oxygen." "Keptin," Chakoff urged. "The Sage must know where Barbados is..." "Dammit, Jimbo," Boner said, brushing past Jimbo. "Take off that breathing gear. The air's safe here." "The station is not all that stable," Splock cautioned. "It's better to be safe than sorry, right, Captain?" "An excellent point, Splock," Jimbo said. "Did everybody hear that? Splock said..." "Let's go!" Benjen urged. Finally, the group got under way. Soon, they entered the quarters of the truly remarkable Sage. "Welcome!" the Sage said. "Just put the pizza on the table." "Huh?" Jerriphrrt wittily asked. "Oh!" the Sage said, looking at them for the first time. "I'm sorry I thought you were the guy from 'Domino's'. I was distracted by all this weird stuff going on in the tv dimension." "We wanted to ask you something..." Jimbo said. "You mean, 'where is Barbados, Planet of Physical Delights located?'" "How did you know?!" Chakoff exclaimed with glee. "I'm the Sage!" the Sage declared. "I know these things!" "Then why is he the Captain?" Boner asked, pointing at Jimbo. "Because he's handsome, intelligent, debonaire and spunky," the Sage said. Splock stuck out his little puppet tongue at Boner. Boner screamed and bolted back to the ship. Jimbo slipped the Sage a $20. "Now then," the Sage said. "Ask me the question." "But you already know the question!" Sulu said. "Don't argue! I'm the Sage!" the Sage bellowed. "Er, where *is* Barbados, Planet of Physical Delights?" Slithis asked. "Oh, that's easy," the Sage said. "Just go into the Sfstory digest, go down near the beta epsilon quadrant, hang a left, and keep going until you see the big neon sign - 'Topless! Bottomless! Barbados!' and you're there. That'll be $10, please." "How do we get over to Sfstory digest?" Jerriphrrt asked, handing the ten dollar bill over to the Sage, who accepted it. "Right through this passage," the Sage declared, pointing to a corridor leading in the opposite direction than they had come from. It appeared almost identical to the one they came in from. "That's the Sfstory side of the station. Even as we speak, there's a starship approaching, seeking guidance. You can likely hitch a ride with them." "We want to take our ship with us," Quirk said. "How do we do that?" "Gimme another $10 and I'll tell you," the Sage said. "Another ten bucks!" Jimbo stormed. "What kind of Sage are you, anyway? Whatever happened to academic integrity?" "Hey, you think it's cheap living on a space station all by myself?" the Sage said. "I gotta pay for fuel, food, cable, a computer link..." "Well, I'm not gonna pay!" Jimbo stormed. "I'm gonna find my own way to Sfstory digest -- so there!" He stuck out his tongue at the Sage and stormed off. Sulu and Chakoff did the same. Splock peered around the side of the door, and stuck his tongue out at them. "Phlphhtttpht!" he said. The Sage sighed. "Well, sir, we'd like to go with those guys that are arriving," Jerriphrrt said. "Yeah," Benjen added. "Could you tell us more about this 'Sfstory digest' place? I've never heard of it..." The Sage did not move. Slithis dangled a ten before his eyes. The Sage took it and motioned them to follow him. "Follow me," he said. They did, and crossed over into the SfStory side of the space station. Meanwhile, the Winaprize left the Sage's space station, continuing their quest for the planet Barbados. ------------------------------------------------------------- Dr. Gigawatt watched the blue liquids pouring into the green liquids, and watched the resulting igition of the sideburns that had been suspended above the beakers. "Ach!" he said in a stock german accent. "That vill not do at all! Qvick, dispose of ze liquids!" An assistant came in and carted the liquids away. While there is no record of how the assistant disposed of the liquids, the introduction of "Bartles and James Golden Toxic Waste Wine Cooler" soon thereafter can hardly be seen as a coincidence. There was a dramatic fanfare, and Gigawatt turned to see J. Danforth Quayle enter his laboratory. He had thickening sideburns, and was wearing that horrible abomination known as a leisure suit. "Well, doc," Quayle said, cheerily. "How goes it?" "Er, fine," Gigawatt said in a stock Canadian accent. "Say, aren't, you know, dramatic fanfares illegal, y'know?" "So who's going to arrest me?" Quayle said. Gigawatt sighed. "How is my colleague, Dr. Lightbuzz, doing with his attempts to retrieve the President?" Gigawatt asked in a stock Sam Donaldson accent. "The Awesome Force is scattered, last I heard," Quayle told him. "You think you should help him with this dimensional door stuff? After all, you're almost as knowledgeable on the subject as Andy Awesome." "No," Gigawatt stated in a stock Mexican accent. "I must conteenue to find a cure for los 70s locos." "The seventies ain't so bad, doc," Quayle said. "Sure they were superficial, bland and kinda blank mentally..." "Like you," Gigawatt interjected in a stock I-couldn't-resist accent. "...but - hey, did you hear something?" The door crashed down and Jimmy Carter and Gerald Ford rushed in. "Now, wheah is he?" Carter asked. "Ah, theyah he is." The two former presidents whipped out handguns and pointed them at Gigawatt and Quayle. "Dan Quayle," Carter said. "You're coming with us." "Are you kidnapping me?" Quayle asked. "We are," Gerald told him. "Let's go." Carter began leading Quayle out the door, while Ford followed, walking backwards to keep an eye on Gigawatt. Ford tripped, and crashed headlong into a whole rack of chemicals, causing the beakers to break, the chemicals to spill and mix, and the glass to go everywhere. He got up and ran out. Gigawatt sighed and looked at the chemicals. He noticed they were generating spores that were eating the leisure suit and sideburns that were on a mannequin in the lab. "Incredible," Gigawatt breathed. "This may be it!" ------------------------------------------------------------- Rad and Manny set down in front of the White House. Strangely, no one had moved to intercept them, which normally would have been considered highly unusual. "Careful," Manny said. "The 70s Liberation Front might be around here..." "That is correct!" a shudderingly familiar voice cried. Rad and Manny looked at the figures exiting the White House. Two of them, Gerald Ford and Jimmy Carter, were taking Dan Quayle away from the White House. Another three, who looked remarkably like the Bee Gees, were taking up offensive positions. The final two, Danny Terrio and the one who had spoken, John Travolta, glared in a superior fashion at them. "Bee Gees," he declared, "...attack!" CAN EVEN RAD SURVIVE THE DISCO ERA REVISITED? WHAT'S WRONG WITH GLUM? WHAT'S WRONG WITH DISCO? WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT A LEISURE SUIT? OH NO...I'M GROWING SIDEBURNS...I'VE GOT A PET ROCK...AAAAAAGGGHHH! I'M BEING...SEVENTIFIED! HELP! HELP! I... OH, WAIT. MY MISTAKE. THOSE WERE CARPET SWATCHES. NEVER MIND. MORE OF THE USUAL ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! [and follow the adventures of Jerriphrrt and co. on Sfstory!] ========================================================================= Date: 05 Feb 1991 12:12:53 Subject: Rad 69: Break on Through to the Other Side From: It was like that when I got here... <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #69: "Break on Through to the Other Side" by Gary W. Olson "Like, hey, my favorite number, dude!" (*slap*) "Sorry." Waves washed gently up upon the beach, turning the sand to mud and tickling the chin of the person buried in the sand. The figure, which had light, sandy hair and slightly reddish skin, watched the water in wonder. Another figure, female, with light brown hair and not buried in sand, walked over to where the first figure was, kneeling to talk. "Faith, just what are you doing?" Liz Tirkoff, aka Healer, asked. "I'm becoming one with the Earth, Liz," Gary Shapiro, aka Faith, replied. "Meryl Streep explained it to me..." "This is *not* how you become one with the Earth, Faith," Liz said. "It's how you pack yourself in mud to look like a severed head." "I'll have to remember, that," Faith said, teleporting himself out of the hole. The rest of him was slightly reddish as well. "Anyway, I just received a message," Liz told him. "We have to return to Washington immediately. The universe is about to dissolve." Faith looked about sheepishly. "No, they said it wasn't your fault this time. Come on." In a blinding flash of light, they blipped from the scene, causing several tourists to blink. ------------------------------------------------------------- Barry Gibb, Maurice Gibb, and a brother Gibb to be named later all attacked Rad and Manny, singing in perfectly awful harmony. Rad and Manny staggered back under the sheer waves of sound. "Like, whoah," Rad said. "Most gnarly, y'know?" "We've got to knock out their amplifiers," Manny said. "Not so fast theyah," John Travolta said, dancing down the steps and poking Rad in the eye while doing one of those steps that involve him pointing in the air repeatedly. "Get down, boogie oogie oogie!" Rad tried to concentrate so he could blast John into the next county, but the smell from the chemicals in John's hair totally disoriented him. "Whoah," Rad said, reeling. "I thought, like, *I* used a lot of, like, hair-care products." Maurice Gibb made a loud sound in Rad's ear that sounded like he had slammed his hand in a car door. Manny, meanwhile, was forced to contend with the cheap imitation of John Travolta known as Danny Terrio. He looked older than he had while "Dance Fever" had been such a big hit, but his hair looked ridiculous as ever. Manny dodged as Danny swung one of those big mirrored balls at him. "I'm having Connie Chung's baby!" Manny yelled instinctively, and Danny froze, temporarily confused. Manny took advantage of this, punching Terrio in the hair (though not denting it) and kicking him in the kneecap causing him to drop the mirrored ball thingie on his foot. "Yowwch!" he exclaimed. Travolta looked over and saw his pathetic clone was in trouble, so he danced over to inflict some bodily damage to Manny. That proved to be a mistake, as Rad quickly demonstrated by winging him with a psychokinetic blast, which caused Travolta to pirhouette himself into the concrete. The Bee Gees, seeing this, launched another assault, this time guised as a ballad of sorts. The blandness and mindlessness of the whole effort dropped Rad and Manny to their knees. ------------------------------------------------------------- Dr. Gigawatt set up more experiments, heedless of the mess left in the lab by the sudden abduction of Dan Quayle by Jimmy Carter and Gerald Ford. He wondered why Richard Nixon hadn't been part of the kidnapping force, but then remembered the author had used him more than enough in the previous storyline, and had decided not to use him here to give himself and everyone else a break. An accident on Gerald Ford's parts had created a mixture that seemed to prove effective against most elements of 70's nostalgia, such as sideburns, leisure suits, disco lights, and Aaron Spelling. The problem was what sort of effect would the spores that the mixture generated would have on the environment, in addition to the intended ones. Gigawatt reflected that, while he was a truly brilliant scientist, he was by no means awesome, which meant he had to find someone who was. With that in mind, he decided to set out for the Pentagon. ------------------------------------------------------------ Faith and Healer blipped into reality again, this time in an abandoned warehouse. They looked about in confusion. "Where are we?" Healer asked. "Put us in costume, Faith." Faith's odd-looking spandex costume materialized on him, and Healer's government- issue Samantha-Fox-style costume materialized on her. "We are in Washington," Faith replied. "But this is not the Pentagon." "Correct!" an annoyingly nasal voice declared. "I, using my pepperoni teleportational rerouter device, have brought you here!" "Oh my," Healer said, flatly. "It's FlatPhoot." "He smells like pizza," Faith observed. "Fools!" FlatPhoot shouted, vaguely insulted that they were less than terrified of his presence. "You should grovel before me like dogs!" Faith kneeled down on the floor and started whining pathetically. Healer slapped her hand to her forehead in her now-patented 'why me?' look. Before she could react further, however, she was knocked unconscious by a couple of Solid Gold dancers. Madame, in the shadows, cackled. "Such a darling woman," she cackled. "Almost as beautiful as me." "I've sent Richard Less out to investigate whether or not your show was really on in the 70's, marionette," FlatPhoot growled. "For your sake, it had better be." "Oh, take me, you rough beast!" Madame declared, throwing herself at the surprised villain. "Must be shy," she mused as he ran away. Two minions came in and carted the unconscious Healer and the groveling Faith off into FlatPhoot's private lab. ------------------------------------------------------------ Jimmy Carter watched the battle progress from the getaway van. Travolta had been pirhouetted into the concrete, and was effectively stuck, while Terrio was limping into the van, where Gerald Ford was keeping an eye on their captive, the acting President Dan Quayle. "Yew know, it looks like theyah goin down after all," Carter said, as the Bee Gees continued to pummel Rad and Manny with their greatest hits. Suddenly, and without warning, a man in a white lab coat emerged and began hitting them with a briefcase. Unprepared for this strange new threat, the unnamed brother Gibb went down first, followed by Maurice. Barry Gibb unleashed his vocal cords on the newcomer, but Rad blasted him in the rear with a psychokinetic blast, sending him flying. "Drive!" Danny Terrio ordered. Jimmy Carter hit the gas, and the van went careening down Pennsylvania Avenue, soon lost to sight. At the site of the battle, Dr. Gigawatt helped Rad and Manny up. "Hey, Gigawatt dude," Rad said. "We ain't seen you since, like, episode 18, like, y'know?" "But of course," Gigawatt said in a stock Transylvanian accent. "Qvickly! There is no time to lose! Ve must go to ze Pentagon!" "We came here to rescue Quayle," Manny said. "We have to go after him!" "It can wait," Gigawatt said, in a stock Carl Sagan accent. "The fate of the universe and all it's billions und billions und billions of inhabitants is at stake." "Huh?" Rad inquired. "I'll explain on the way," Gigawatt said in a stock Wayne Newton accent. ------------------------------------------------------------ Glum and GLADYS settled down on the edge of the city. They had been battling 70s nostalgia for what seemed to be ages. Planes were crashing into Airports, mechanical sharks were showing up in swimming pools, inflation was way up, Rick Dees was re-releasing "Disco Duck" and Glum's hair had gone suddenly, inexplicably flat. All in all, things were not looking good. "Things are not looking good," Glum said. "My electric shaver is busted," GLADYS commented. "Sideburn overload." There was a bzzting sound. "I believe that's your ring bzzting," GLADYS said. Glum flipped up the top of the ring to reveal a microtransmitter/ receiver, of a kind of technology not seen on Earth, except in "Get Smart," and that doesn't really count. Or does it? "Yes, darling?" she said into the ring. "Er, is this thing on?" she heard a voice come back. "This is, like Rad and, like, I'm going to the Pentagon, like..." "Why are you going to the Pentagon?" Glum asked. "Er, well, like, it's a long story, but, like, Dr. Gigawatt says, like, it's a matter of, like, universal magnitudinalation, or something like that." "I'm on my way!" Glum shouted, and shut the top of the ring back into place. GLADYS got up, ready to be flown to the Pentagon. After a few seconds of nothing happening, she looked back at Glum, still sitting on the bench with an odd expression on her face. "My lady?" GLADYS asked, concerned. "What?" Glum said. "Oh, sorry, GLADYS...it's just...nothing..." "You're sure you're all right?" GLADYS asked. "Yes, yes," Glum said, lifting off in the air, carrying GLADYS by her wrists. For all her strength, GLADYS was a surprisingly light construct. "You always worry about my health for no reason." "I'm programmed that way," GLADYS told her. She remained silent on the way to the Pentagon. If an AI could get a hunch, GLADYS reflected hers would be that Glum was hiding something. What it was, though, she knew John Bankert would never tell. ------------------------------------------------------------- Rad, Manny and Dr. Gigawatt arrived at the Pentagon, where they were ushered to a top-secret room, where a strange looking device stood. It resembled a television set, but with lots of strange looking gadgetry attached to it. John Sununu and a fellow in a white lab coat greeted them. "Dr. Gigawatt!" the fellow in a white lab coat exclaimed. "Dr. Lightbuzz!" Gigawatt exclaimed back. "Good to see you. Sorry I cannot chat, but I must have this spore sample ready for Andy Awesome's inspection when he returns." "Understood," Lightbuzz said. "If he does make it, of course. The universe is starting to come apart around us." "Like, wow," Rad said. "Can I watch?" Behind him, Agent Cooper sighed. "As Dr. Gigawatt may have told you," Sununu said, "We sent the Awesome Force in about 47 hours ago to retrieve George Bush, who accidently became lost in the television dimension. They were scattered, and we are doubtful that they can find Bush before the universe goes ker-plooie! That's why we need your help. You've had experience with the television dimension before, albeit accidental. We need you to go in and pull that weenie...er, I mean the President...out." "What about the rest of the Awesome Force?" Manny asked. "They have Recall bracelets," Sununu said. "Those allow the user to return to reality when he or she desires. We have one left." Lightbuzz handed the bracelet to Rad, who put it on his wrist. "How most, like, fashionable," Rad said. "...not!" "In any case," Sununu said. "This is of the top priority, ranking even above the menace of 70s nostalgia at the moment. Will you help us?" "Er, yah, I guess," Rad said. "We've spotted him!" a tech declared. "The weenie...I mean, President is on the 'Wizard of Oz'." Everyone assembled in the room watched the President walking down the yellow brick road, looking dazed. "Like, wow," Rad said. "A show, like, I've seen, like, all the way through, like, without being, like, confused!" "Are you ready to go?" Lightbuzz asked. Rad nodded. He got into position with the strange tv set contraption, and the engineers got ready to send him over. "Now!" Lightbuzz declared. In a burst of static, Rad disappeared, leaving an empty space where he once stood. On the screen behind him, George Bush chuckled. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? WILL THE AWESOME FORCE AND RAD RESCUE THE WEENIE...I MEAN, THE PRES? WHAT EVIL PLANS DOES FLATPHOOT HAVE FOR FAITH AND HEALER? WHAT'S WRONG WITH GLUM? WILL THE SPIRIT OF ELVIS STRIKE DOWN KEN COONEY FOR SAYING HE DOESN'T EXIST? AFTER AWESOME FORCE #42, IT'S TIME TO PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC, PIZZA BOY, ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 07 Feb 1991 21:12:26 Subject: Rad 70 part one: Saturday Night Awesome From: It was like that when I got here... <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #70: "Saturday Night Awesome" by Gary W. Olson guest starring the Awesome Force (immediately following AF#42) written with the official Bill Paul seal of approval (arp! arp! *slap* sorry...) "As you have likely detected already, the past year has seen a marked increase in 70s nostalgia, as a group that called itself the '70s Preservation Society,' advertised for members," Sununu said. "They seemed harmless - merely a few eccentrics with bad taste." "Sounds like the Ill Dudes writers," Manny mumbled. "I resemble that remark," Silly Wizzard said. "Quiet," Andy Awesome said awesomely. "This is important." "In recent days, however," Sununu continued, "their powers have grown markedly. At first, we thought it might be connected to residual effects from the tv dimension events, but that has proven to not be the case. The 70s celebritys participating are not the age they were in the 70s but rather their present age. Moreover, they appear to be acting in a concerted fashion to destabilize and collapse world society." "So you believe there is a controlling figure who has not shown him or herself at this point," Awesome deduced. "Essentially, yes," agent Cooper told the assembled group. "We believe this person may be in some way connected to Secret Secret Agent Richard Less, who has been in charge of the investigation into the 70s disturbances. He's made visits to a number of pizzeria's in recent weeks, and that can only mean..." "Pizza pizza sales?" Rad asked. "No, you twit," Miche said. "Pizza is FlatPhoot's modus operandi." "Like, modus operandi?" Rad repeated. "I think I've seen, like, commercials for those. They go, like, 0 to 60 in, like 5.5 seconds, right?" T played a sour note. "Do we have Richard Less' current location?" Awesome asked. "Yes," Cooper said. "He was in the Library of Congress recently, attempting to determine if 'Solid Gold' was actually a 70s show. Currently he is on his way to what we believe is FlatPhoot's hideout." "Excellent," Awesome replied. "Everyone into the mobile HQ - including Dr. Gigawatt. I want to inspect his spores before he releases them. "How--how did you know?" Sununu asked. "He read the last Rad episode," Amazing Ginsu said sardonically. "Er, do I have to go?" President Bush asked. "I've got some, ah, things to take care of in the White House." He gulped as Glum glared at him. "Including your, er, marriage thing." "We will keep you updated," Awesome promised Bush. Bush thanked Andy for the rescue again and left quickly. "Phwew," Glum said. "For a minute I thought I'd have to say something annoyingly sappy again." "Like, what are we waiting for, dudes?" Rad said. "We've got, like, no time to, like, lose." "Strange, I've never heard that expression before," Bink said. They started out the door, but were halted by Andy's awesome voice. "Waaaiiit for it!" he said, and paused a moment. Everyone paused, wondering what would happen next, and, more importantly, if the author would continue to do these cheap Python ripoffs. The moment passed, Andy said "forward!" and everyone flooded out the door, leaving Dr. Lightbuzz alone, sobbing over the wreckage of his project. ------------------------------------------------------------- Richard Less closed the door of the warehouse and walked over to where FlatPhoot's offices were. He had the information FlatPhoot had requested, as well as ten pepperoni double-cheeze and sauerkraut pizzas. His gut turned at the mere thought of them, a fair metaphysical contradiction since, technically, guts have no cognitive powers. At least, Richard Less' gut didn't. Horrible disco music echoed from the next room. Less sat the pizzas on FlatPhoot's desk and went in. He saw the governmental super agent known as Faith, strapped down to a table, being bombarded with weird sounds and annoying lights. His hair had grown to alarming proportions, and, as Less watched, an incredibly tacky leisure suit was materializing on his body. "Welcome, Less," came FlatPhoot's annoyingly nasal voice. "I see you've met my guinea pizza." "You sure you know what you're doing?" Less asked. "His parter..." "...is unconscious, and also my prisoner," FlatPhoot said. "Soon, not only will the fabric of civilization be destroyed, but all superheroes will be destroyed as well!" . "What does the garment industry have to do with this?" Less asked. "What?" "That bit about the fabrics of civilization..." "No, fabric! Fabric! Of civilization..." FlatPhoot repeated. "What about heroes that don't wear clothes, like Wonder Grunion?" Less asked. FlatPhoot sighed. ------------------------------------------------------------- In a lab in the Awesome Force Mobile HQ, Andy Awesome made some final adjustments to the spores that Dr. Gigawatt had created. "This will insure that their lifespan will be temporary," he said, as he awesomely altered the cell structures of the spores. "Any environmental impact will be minimal and non-malignant." "Thees ees most eenteresteenk," Gigawatt said in a stock Japanese accent. "Vhen should theh be weleased?" "After we've neutralized FlatPhoot," Awesome told him. "We still have yet to learn how he has generated this insideous threat in the first place, though I already have some theories to that effect." -------------------------------------------------------------- Outside, Rad, Manny, GLADYS, Glum, and the other members of the Awesome Force engaged in intense preparations for the upcoming battle. "You're snoring, Manny," Rat said. "zzzSnortzzzzSnnoooortzzz..." Manny continued. Click! went the safety off Rat's Thompson. "I'm awake! I'm awake!" Manny said, sitting up quickly. "Like, has anyone, like, seen my tanning lotion?" Rad asked. "Hang on," the Amazing Ginsu said. "Er, could you stop smiling for a second? The glare from your teeth is making it difficult to see." "Sorry, dude. Like, does anyone have anything to, like, eat?" "I'll check," Silly Wizzard said, opening the refridgerator. "We've got spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, pretzels, spam..." "Guess that answers the question of whether or not the author will do any more cheap Python ripoffs," Manny grumbled. "I'll take the pretzels," Glum said. She took the offered bag and started devouring pretzels at a phenomenal rate. "Like, whoah," Rad said. "I thought you, like, hated pretzels." "Anyone seen my 'My Little Pony' brush?" asked Bink. Suddenly and without warning, the Awesome Force Mobile HQ stopped. "This is the place," Gus declared without preamble. "Everybody out that's gettin' out." "Rather snide, aren't you?" GLADYS asked. "Actually, I've never heard him so cheerful," T said. "That's 'cause you're leaving," Gus grumbled. ------------------------------------------------------------- The warehouse was silent as Rad, Miche, Manny, T and Silly Wizzard snuck in. They looked about and didn't see anybody. "I don't see anybody," Silly Wizzard said. "We know," Rad said. "The, like, narrating dude said that." "Narrating dude?" T inquired, looking at Silly Wizzard. "Not him," Manny said. "Old joke. I'll explain later." Silly Wizzard checked his olfactory jumping bean box. The beans were bouncing against the north wall. "There's a pizza smell to the north. It's faint - we may be too late." "I'll, like, check it out," Rad declared, lifting off and flying northward. He was suddenly and without warning struck by a hail of peanuts, which drove him back. "Theyah," Jimmy Carter said, reloading a small rocket launcher. "I, like, choose Jif," Rad said while birds tweeted around his head. "When do I get to attack, Jimmy?" Gerald Ford asked. "Er, later, Jerry," Jimmy said. "Much later." "All right!" growled Miche. "Drop those peanuts, mister...now!" Her .357, produced from wherever she hid it on her skintight costume, gleamed lethally in the dim light. "Drop the gun, hot mama," a voice said behind her. She whirled to see Danny Terrio, wounded from his earlier battle but still in shape for dancing. He held a 'Saturday Night Special', natch. She was prepared for the bullet, and deflected it with her invulnerable elbow. She was, however, unprepared for a barrage of peanuts in the small of the back. While they did no damage, they stunned her, and she fell. T unleashed a sonic blast aimed at Carter, who dodged it. The blast struck Gerald Ford instead, who, predictably, staggered around and eventually tripped, hitting a rickety stack of .45 rpm records. The stack swayed back and forth, then toppled on the assembled heroes. Silly Wizzard attempted to put up a "Mr. Bubble" force shield, but the archaic vinyl platters rained down, knocking out Manny and T. It was at this point the comparitive silence of the warehouse was shattered by the annoyingly nasal sounds of the Bee Gees. This time, however, they were not alone. Accompanying them were KC and the Sunshine Band, Donna Summer, the Ohio Players, Wild Cherry, the Starlight Vocal Band, Erik Estrada, everyone who had ever been a "Charlie's Angel", "Gopher" from the Love Boat, "Cooter" from "the Dukes of Hazzard", as well as several assorted minions, a few disco stiffs, Jamie Farr (not as combatant, but celebrity judge), and Scott Baio. As Rad's head cleared, he saw Silly Wizzard raising his arms. That, of course, was the signal. GLADYS, Amazing Ginsu, and Rat burst in. Rat shot off a couple gazillion rounds off her Thompson submachine gun to get everyone's attention. "You're all under arrest," she said. "We've been caught by the big cheese," Erik Estrada said. He was immediately riddled with bullets. "Ahhh," Rat said. "Who says dreams can't come true?" "Not so fast!" an annoyingly nasal voice came over the loudspeaker. "FlatPhoot!" everyone shouted in shock and surprise (not). "Yes!" FlatPhoot declared. "You're all surrounded!" They looked around to see literally hundreds of Solid Gold dancers, as well as Gladys Knight, all in fighting stance. "Now...ah...hold on a moment." There was a breif silence as FlatPhoot conferred with someone off-mic. "I have just been informed that Solid Gold debuted, in fact, in September of 1980! This is a deception I cannot tolerate!" "Well, technically," Madame said. "The decade is counted as 1971-1980, isn't it?" "It's still not the 70s, you shriveled marionette!" FlatPhoot shrieked. "You're fired! Terminated! Out of work! Kaput!" "Gee, what a grouch," Amazing Ginsu said. "Like, whoah," Rad said. "What's going on?" The Solid Gold dancers were filing into their limos and driving off. "I don't know," Silly Wizzard said. "But I think we may have been given a break by the author's total lack of preparatory research." "At any rate," FlatPhoot's voice came over the loudspeakers. "I don't need them anymore. I don't need any of you anymore. I now possess the ultimate 70s weapon that all of you pale in comparison. Look northward, and gasp in fear!" They looked northward and gasped in fear. Standing there, in the spotlight, was a figure in the tackiest leisure suit ever to have existed. The hair was puffy, the gold medallions shiny, the sideburns fluffy. A look of dated hipness emenated from him. "None of you can defeat -- Disco King!!" FlatPhoot declared. "Who's that?" Silly Wizzard asked. "It's that government superhero, Faith," said Miche, who was reviving. "We are in big trouble." "Huh? What can one person like that do to us?" Moments later, to their horror, they found out. CONTINUED IN PART TWO IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING... ========================================================================= Date: 07 Feb 1991 21:19:38 Subject: Rad 70 part two: Saturday Night Awesome From: It was like that when I got here... <34EPWQL@CMUVM> CONTINUED FROM PART ONE... Andy Awesome pulled out a pen from his impervious pocket protector and aimed it at the door. It shimmered and dissolved in the green light. Agent Cooper was amazed. Bink was unfazed. Glum yawned. While the rest of the heroes and sidekicks were busy engaging FlatPhoot's minions in front, Andy planned to launch a surprise attack from the rear. The four stealthily entered the building. "What are we looking for?" Glum whispered. "Clues," Bink whispered back. "How FlatPhoot generated the 70s effect," Awesome whispered awesomely. The room they had entered was a small cubicle that FlatPhoot was apparantly using to store pizza ingredients and/or plastic explosives. There were voices coming from a door that was ajar on the far side. "Doesn't look like a jar," Glum said. "No talking to the narrator," Awesome scolded. They sneaked to the partially-opened door and listened. "I'm doing this in the interests of national security, sir," Less was saying. "The MIB has been trying to figure out this nostalgia generator for months. I've just been going along with him to get the plans to it." "I thought FlatPhoot worked for the government," Dan Quayle replied. "Technically, he still does," Less admitted. "He found a loophole." "Hold it right there," Andy declared, stepping awesomely into the room. "Andy Awesome!" Less and Quayle gasped in unison. "But how--?!" "Never mind that," agent Cooper said. "You're under arrest, Less, for treason, failing to file proper forms and having a vaguely dirty name." "I pardon him of all crimes," Quayle declared. "Now untie me!" "Can he do that?" Cooper asked. "No, he's only the V.P..." Andy mused. "Nevertheless, I feel I can release Less into his custody. Sir, you are to report to the White House immediately. There's a weenie...er, man who wants to see you." "So I'm not the Pres anymore," Quayle sighed. "Pity, I was just getting to like it, too..." Less and Quayle left the way the heroes had come in. "Bink, get in here!" Glum yelled. Bink ran to the door that Glum was looking into. Inside, Healer lay unconscious on a stone bed, with several red patches on her body. "She looks badly hurt," Bink agreed. "Andy, this door needs opening." "Stand back," Andy said, not reaching for a pen but simply using his awesome strength to rip the steel door off of it's hinges. "What..." Healer moaned. "Who's there?" "It's me, Glum," said Glum. "Bink is a healer. She can help you." Bink nodded cutely. Healer sat up. "I'm not hurt," she said. "But what about the red stains?" Glum asked. "Tomato stuff and cheese," she explained. "FlatPhoot's a messy eater. Where's Faith?" "We haven't seen him," Andy said. "Then we'd better find him," Healer said. "There's no telling what that fiendish arch-less villain will do to him." They dashed into an office, only to be immediately pinned down by several slices of pizza (using a sharp cheese, obviously). FlatPhoot laughed maniacally. "I knew you'd be around here somewhere," he said gleefully. "You didn't show up with the rest of your Absurd Force to battle my minions." A lightning bolt flashed from Glum's hand, but was drawn to the grounded pizza slice FlatPhoot held in his hand. "Enough of this merriment. Would you like to see your friends, husbands, etcetera be tortured to death? I thought you might..." ------------------------------------------------------------- The monitor light on the video camera lit up, and it beheld a truly mind-baffling sight. All the heroes were dancing 70s disco style. Their movements were jerky, their comments unpleasant. "Heroes should know how to dance," Faith/Disco King was saying. "FlatPhoot explained it all to me. And I have ways of making them dance." Miche muttered dark curses as Silly Wizzard kept stepping on her toes with those big clown shoes of his. Manny danced with Rat, probably the only other person around as short as he was. Rad, Amazing Ginsu and T looked like John Travolta in triplicate, almost. Even GLADYS was unable to resist Faith's reality altering powers, her super-strength useless. Her mind, nevertheless, worked at blindingly fast speeds. Andy, Cooper, Glum and Bink had gone in the back way. Logically, they had been captured by now, or they would have been here to lend assistance Unfortunately, she had not been able to adapt her files to function smoothly on the comparatively primitive systems of Earth, so she couldn't pull a Jake Hawthorne and simply depower the building. There was a stack of .45 rpms on the floor, left over from Gerald Ford's attack of ineptness. Working the moves into her disco routine, she kicked the stack, watching them spray out towards Faith. They hit him, and knocked him back. Faith looked confused -- FlatPhoot had said nothing about what he could do if attacked with projectile weapons. Then he felt it, that familiar presence in his mind. Healer was talking to him, telling him things to Believe. Among them, one echoed in his mind. "*Disco is dead...*" Healer said, telepathically. "*You must believe this.*" Faith Believed it. But, he also Believed that he was the epitome of disco - that, in fact, he *was* disco. Hence, if disco was dead, he was dead. Faith Believed it, and fell over, dead as a doornail. ------------------------------------------------------------- "Noooooooooooooooo!" screamed Healer, as she felt Faith's demise. "A hero is dead!" cheered FlatPhoot. "A hero is dead! And I actually am to blame for it! I'm going to DisneyWorld! I'm going to DisneyWorld!" Liz let out a chilling scream, and tried to reach for FlatPhoot's twisted mind. It was no good - FlatPhoot was using that standby psychic damper, anchovies, to protect his psyche. She slumped in defeat. FlatPhoot was about to taunt her again when his skull made contact with a baseball. He staggered around to see who was assailing him. He didn't see anyone, but got several more baseballs in the face. Dizzy, and unable to concentrate to throw an explosive pizza slice, FlatPhoot ran out of the room into the main warehouse. "What was that?" Glum asked. "Eivandt Seconds, sidekick at large," Eivandt Seconds declared. "Sorry it took so long to get here, Liz,nobody told me you had come back from vacation." "Get us down from here," Andy ordered awesomely. Eivandt did that. "We have to hurry," Bink said. "Faith might be saved..." "No, it's too late," Healer said, forcing back the tears. "I felt his mind die. He's gone." "Nevertheless, we must prosecute an end to this battle," Andy said, dramatically. "Else, his sacrafice will have been in vain!" "This way," Glum declared. The five rushed after FlatPhoot, to find him in the midst of a free-for-all carnage. Rad soared above the general battle, peppering villains with psychokinetic blasts and giving assistance to those who needed it. T was laying out some incredible Jane's Addiction riffs, drowning out even the Bee Gees in cool sound. Silly Wizzard had trapped Danny Terrio, Jimmy Carter and Gerald Ford in peanut-butter scented Silly Putty (industrial strength) and was at present contending with the Ohio Players. Agent Cooper kicked Erik Estrada in the hind quarters, sending him staggering over to the Amazing Ginsu, who wondered how the heck Erik had survived being swiss-cheesed by Rat before slicing off Erik's chest hair. Thus mortified, Erik wandered off, never again to be seen, until next time. The Seconds brothers, Manny and Eivandt, started putting tag team moves on the Bee Gees,who responded with a few good piledrivers, but were ultimately overwhelmed by the brothers' skill and generally confounding nature. Rad saw Glum, and flew towards her. He was brought up short by a hail of pepperonis, and turned to face FlatPhoot, who looked like he had an entire arsenal laid out to throw at him. Rad set up a psychokinetic shield and dove down at the cheesy villain. Ricotta and motzarella slid off; exploding guacamole and kiwi dip had no effect. FlatPhoot flew as Rad bowled into him. He landed on "Cooter" and "Gopher", knocking them out. Miche drove off most of the remaining secondary minions by firing with ruthless accuracy at their vocal chords. Bink healed many later on so that, while they could talk, they couldn't sing again. Silly Wizzard pointed out that most of them couldn't sing or act in the first place, and was slapped by the Amazing Ginsu. "We have done well," Andy commended the assembled heroes. "But, like, what about the 70s effect generator?" Rad asked. "FlatPhoot had the late Faith create it and send it in time about a week or so ago," Andy said. "I've already destroyed it. And, I grieve the loss of a colleague in crime fighting." "Well, I don't!" FlatPhoot growled, his wrists in cuffs. "At least one super hero died today. That makes all this worthwhile to me!" "Gee," Faith said. "Glad I could make you feel better." A number of jaws started flapping wildly at this point, but no sound issued forth. Even Andy Awesome was awesomely astounded. "I don't understand," Healer said, even as she rushed to hug him. "I thought you had died." "Oh, I did," Faith said. "But I also Believe in life after death. So...here I am!" FlatPhoot collapsed to the ground sobbing. "It's not fair!" he bawled. "I had a real live superhero, dead! I did! Really I did! But now he's alive! It's not fair!" He continued babbling in the same vein as the police took him out of the building. Eventually, he was put in the Really-Really-Hard-to-Get-Out-of-Place, Washington DC's prison for super-powered criminals. ------------------------------------------------------------- The spores were released, and the last vestiges of artificial 70s nostalgia were eradicated, although police reported an increase in the number of streakers - people whose leisure suits suddenly evaporated. Whole fern bars went out of business, replaced by cool establishments. 70s nostalgia returned to being a harmless kind of thing, balanced with the cooler elements of the 70s, like Star Wars, the Not Ready for Prime Time Players and the Steelers. "We all wish the two of you the best," Awesome said to Rad and Glum, as the Awesome Force carted their Washington DC souveniers into the mobile HQ. Rad held in his hand the marriage deed that Bush had procured by threatening to force the entire Californian civil servant force to switch from filing forms in triplicate to a new method that involved photocopying. The Earth now legally recognized their marriage, which was rather nice of it, as it had been unusually rude recently. "Like, party on, eh, dudes?" Rad replied. "Sure thing, Rad," Amazing Ginsu said aloud. Rad wondered why his lips moved in Japanese, and said "I lob my sheep at a blender." "Least I don't have to clean up this time," Silly Wizzard commented. He then ran inside the truck, with Miche close on his heels, eager to take her revenge for being stepped on 129 times by his clown shoes. T played chase music on his guitar as he followed them, while Rat wielded the camcorder and the Amazing Ginsu took Polaroid shapshots. Bink hauled a large load of Congress Patch Dolls (each with their own individual price at which they can be bought) into the truck. "And Glum," Andy said. "I'd see a physician when I get back to California if I were you." Glum looked startled. "Trust me." He then ducked into the Awesome Force Mobile HQ, which started rolling down Pennsylvania Avenue, eventually turning out of sight. "Er, what was that about?" Rad asked. "I guess we'll find out," GLADYS said. She was interrupted from saying more when John Sununu came running and yelling to them. "What's wrong?" Manny asked. Eivandt scratched his head. "President Bush has disappeared." "Again?!" Healer exclaimed. "No," Sununu said. "We know where he is. He's gone to the Persian Gulf to confront Saddam Hussein in person! He thinks he has superpowers!" WHAT'S THAT WEENIE DOING NOW? HAS THE LIST ALREADY HAD ENOUGH OF GEORGE BUSH? WHAT ABOUT THE CONNECTION BETWEEN BUSH AND SURPLUS MAN? IS THERE ANYONE WHO *HASN'T* ALREADY FIGURED OUT WHAT'S GOING ON WITH GLUM? BESIDES EVAN, I MEAN. ALL THIS AND AN ABSORBING TALE ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 14 Feb 1991 00:44:48 Subject: Rad 71: The Gemeni Principle From: It was like that when I got here... <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #71: "The Gemeni Principle" by Gary W. Olson The Oval Office had a long, rich, and mostly honorable tradition. In it have sat presidents, kings, legislators, entertainers, and statesmen. But never in it's history had it's walls beheld anyone with such a magnificent tan. Until now. Rad sat in a large chair in front of the Presidential desk. Glum sat beside him, while GLADYS stood behind them and kept Manny and Eivandt from sneaking over to the liquor cabinet. Faith and Healer stood behind Dan Quayle, sitting behind the Presidential desk. John Sununu was briefing them all on what had occured while they were away contending with the 70s menace. "President Bush, upon his arrival here, placed several telephone calls, to push your marriage through the Californian bureaucracy. He then told Dan here to hold the fort a while, as he was going to Iraq to, as he put it, "confront Saddam in the flesh." "You, like, said something, like, about him having, like, super powers, like, y'know?" Rad asked. "Yes," Sununu responded. "He claimed to have discovered his powers during his sojourn in the television dimension. Unfortunately, we have no idea what he's talking about, as there are no hyperabilities listed on his medical stats." "So why don't you have Faith teleport your weenie back here?" Glum asked. "It's not that simple," Elizabeth Tirkoff, aka Healer, said. "He is the President, and we have no real authority to bring him back. If he wants to wander the Pentagon, we let him. If he wants to moon farmers from Air Force One, we let him. He could just leave again." "Besides," Sununu said. "Bush just *might* have super powers, and we have no idea what they are. Thus, it's imperitive we find out. Will you help us?" "Like, er, I dunno," Rad said, looking at Glum. "We've only been planetside about, like, two days now, and we've hardly, like, even started our honeymoon, like, y'know?" "Go on," Glum told him. "I'll be visiting the hospital anyways, like Andy Awesome suggested." "Are you, like, okay?" Rad asked, concerned. "I'm not sure," Glum admitted. "A touch of the flu, maybe. Normally, I wouldn't bother visiting one of your primitive witch doctors, but GLADYS convinced me I should. When Andy Awesome gives advice, its wise to listen." "Weird," Manny said. "He recommended that I enter the Miss Iceland contest." Everyone felt a brief, intense wave of confusion, which quickly subsided. "You know," Quayle said. "You've become a lot more confusing, lately." "I noticed," Manny said. "Don't know what it is." "Just your natural unfathomability," Eivandt said. Manny scowled. "Well, like, I guess it's decided," Rad said. "Manny and I, like, will go with Faith, Healer and Eivandt to rescue the Bush dude. Sure, like, you'll be all right, babe?" "I'll be fine, darling," Glum told him. Before Rad could tell her not to call him darling, she planted a firm kiss on his lips and stood up. "Let's go, GLADYS." "Until later, everyone," GLADYS said, her glowing green eyes unblinking. Glum and GLADYS left the room, and moments later, the roar of a departing space yacht filled the air. "Okay, dudes," Rad said. "Down to, like, business." ------------------------------------------------------------- George Bush put the last bit of dirt on Saddam Hussein's grave and quickly slipped away. Over the past months, using his brilliant impersonation abilities, he had been able to infiltrate Iraq's power structure and work his way close to Saddam. It had taken a lot of patience, a lot of prudence, and more than a few points of light. He adjusted his mustache and entered the clearing leading to his bunker enterance. Two guards demanded that he halt. "Why should I halt?" Bush said. "Can't you see who I am?" "It's our leader!" one guard said. "It's Saddam." It certainly looked that way - Bush had disguised himself quite well. The guards stood aside and allowed "Saddam" into his bunker. After the door closed, one of the guards whispered to the other, "You know, he sort of looks like Dana Carvey." As Bush descended the elevator, he thought back to the events of Washington DC, last year. There had been an explosion, and, while events were quite fuzzy, he recalled his consciousness had taken over this body that had been prepared for him. He had tended to some crises, such as the threat of the Plain People's Liberation Front and, in the meantime, an imposter Bush comprised of the five billion Bush clones that had run amuck in Akron back in January had taken office. Even more, that Bush had the audacity to challenge him to a duel to the death! Eventually, constant hunting from MIB, NIB, CIA, CUA, FBI, CRASH, and IRS forces had caused him to leave the country, and search out a place to hide for a while. He decided to visit the middle east, on the theory that he'd sold so many weapons to so many countries there, they couldn't turn him away. He was in Baghdad when Saddam had decided to invade Kuwait, and was trapped thereafter. It was then he decided to go into action. He infiltrated the Iraqi government, with the intent to overthrow it. Bush loved to overthrow governments. It was one of the few things he was good at. So now, here he was - he had killed Saddam Hussein, but had no chance of getting out of the country alive. The power base he had hoped to use to force a confrontation with the imposter Bush in the White House was being slowly destroyed, and Bush couldn't chance letting his Saddam disguise slip, or else he'd be shot instantly. He arrived at the bottom of the elevator shaft, and stepped out into a command center. Most of the screens were dead, but a few still worked. "What's the latest?" he demanded. "Sir," a young leiutentant said. "Radar confirms that Air Force One has entered our airspace." "Whaaaaaat?" Bush said, surprised. "All attempts to shoot it down have failed," the leiutenant continued. "What's more, we have received a message from the pilot - the infidel Bush himself." Bush almost fainted at this point. "What did the message say?" "He challenges you to a battle to the death. Anytime, anywhere." "He does, does he?" Bush chortled. "Invite him to land here. The battle will take place in the combat arena two floors up." "Yes, sir." Bush/"Saddam" turned away, chuckling softly. He didn't know what his imposter self had in mind, but he was making a big mistake in this challenge. He would prove he was the real Bush, once and for all. ------------------------------------------------------------ Rad, Manny Seconds, Eivandt Seconds, Faith, and Healer materialized in a broom closet on Air Force One. The door crashed out, and the five heroes and sidekicks thereof stumbled out. "When I said I wanted a clean teleport," Liz said, "that wasn't what I meant." Faith mumbled an apology, and Healer patted him on the shoulder. "That's all right. Now, Faith, you have the power to lead us to George Bush." They marched through opulent dining rooms, volleyball courts, meeting rooms, bar mitzvahs, and other assorted features of Air Force One on their way to the cockpit. Upon reaching it, Rad prepared to blast it down with his psychokinetic powers, but Healer stopped him. "Don't," Liz told him. "You might blow a hole in the plane, and you know what happened last time you flew." "Oh, yah," Rad remembered. Healer knocked on the door. "Nobody's home," a weenie-like voice from the other side announced. "Then who am I talking to?" Liz asked. "Er," the voice said. "The on-board, ah, computer." "Faith," Healer said. "You have the power to turn the door into dust." Faith nodded, and promptly did so. On the other side, George Bush turned to face them. But something was a bit peculiar about him. "You, like, got a haircut," Rad said. "No," Bush said. "A new cologne!" the Seconds brothers announced in unison. "No," Bush said again, standing up. "You've gained some weight," Faith said perceptively. "Correct!" Bush announced. They noticed it was true - Bush was significantly bigger than he was supposed to be. His shirt was off, and a grossly obese belly hung over his belt. Fat hung from his face and neck, and he looked slightly drunk. "*This* is your superpower?" Manny exclaimed, laughing. Bush looked miffed as Manny and Eivandt started cracking up in front of him. "This must be the power to take over refridgerators at will," Eivandt chuckled, slapping Bush on the back. He was quite surprised when he couldn't pull his hand away. "Er, help?" he asked. Manny tried to pull his brother, who was being drawn into Bush, away, but started getting stuck himself. "They're being...absorbed," Healer breathed, horrified by the sights, the sounds, and the smells. Rad raised his arms and gave Bush an ultimatum. "Like, let them go, dude, or I'll, like, blasticate ya." "Now, now, let's not be hasty here," Bush said. Eivandt was almost totally absorbed into Bush, and Manny was quickly following. Rad fired, and knocked a chunk of flesh off of Bush's shoulder. To his, and everyone's great surprise, Bush picked up the flesh chunk and stuck it back onto himself, where it quickly became part of him. "Ewww, gross," Faith said. "I, like, don't understand," Rad said. "Of course *you* don't, you moron," Bush said, "but I'm surprised Faith and Healer here haven't guessed yet. I've got the powers of Surplus Man!" "But he was killed in the atomization of Washington DC last year by Dangerousman!" Healer exclaimed. "Besides, you've never met the guy. How can you have gotten his powers?" "Actually, I'm curious about that myself," Bush admitted. "But, that's a question that can be answered later. Right now, I have to defend democracy, the New World Order, and my oil investments in the middle east. Are you with me or against me?" "Well, dude, you've completely absorbed my best friend and his brother, so, like, you really have to, like, ask that?" Rad said. "No, but I thought it would be the polite thing to do," Bush replied "Since you won't stand with me you'll have to stand *in* me!" He advance menacingly on the trio. "I assure you, it's a most absorbing experience." Rad fired more psychokinetic beams, but they merely pushed flesh this way and that. He stopped, at the thought he might be harming Manny and Eivandt. "Faith..." Healer began. "He said we have to stand in him," Faith muttered, stepping forward. "Faith!" Healer called. "You *don't* want to be absorbed by him. You *do* want to get us out of here!" Faith blinked while he Believed this. The next thing the three of them knew, they were out in the open sky, a long ways above the cold, battle-scarred ground. Faith and Healer started plummeting to the ground. Rad dove after them, catching Healer and shouting to Faith that he had the ability to fly. Faith halted his descent and flew back up to where Rad and Healer were. "Thanks, Rad, I had forgotten that," Faith said. "So, like, what now?" Rad asked. "We follow," Healer stated simply. They followed. WILL THEY CATCH UP TO AIR FORCE ONE BEFORE IT LANDS? HOW DID THE PLANE MAKE IT TO IRAQ SO QUICKLY, ANYWAY? DID IT HAVE TO REFUEL, OR WHAT? HOW DID BUSH GET THE POWERS OF SURPLUS MAN, ANYWAY? DOES ANYONE REMEMBER WHO SURPLUS MAN IS? WILL GARY EVER ENABLE JOHN BANKERT TO ESCAPE FROM LIMBO? ALL THIS AND QUAYLE DOES SOMETHING REALLY STUPID ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 19 Feb 1991 11:47:28 Subject: Rad 72: Flesh and Blood From: It was like that when I got here... <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #72: "Flesh and Blood" by Gary W. Olson Air Force One touched down on an airstrip that had been raised from it's underground hiding spot, where it had thus far avoided the bombing. George Bush, swollen and obese, waddled down the ramp, while Iraqi guards nervously watched him. Bush, not seeming the least bit concerned, pushed a button on a pad he was carrying, and the ramp snaked back into his plane. A guard tried to touch part of the plane, but was swatted back with a rather neat special effect. "Now, now," Bush chided. "Let's be prudent. The magicks on that ship will keep you out. Now take me to Sadaam." The guards didn't move, so Bush absorbed one of them. They moved. "What, like, does he mean, magicks?" Rad asked in a whisper from where he, Faith, and Healer hid. "I haven't a clue," Healer replied. "Probably a codeword for some type of advanced defensive system. What I'm worried about is why he stole his own plane, flew it to Iraq (in record time, no less!), and is now going into a fortified bunker." "Wish I, like, knew what's going, like, on," Rad sighed. "I've got an idea," Liz said. "Faith -- you know what's going on." "I know what's going on," Faith replied. "What's, like, going on?" Rad asked. "Let's see," Faith said. "Mikhail Gorbachev has been seduced by the dark side of the Force, Michael Jackson is having his chin done again, polar bears have been sighted in the Antarctic, Sam and Bert are searching for clues..." "No, no," Liz said, exasperated. "What's going on *here*!" "Oh," Faith replied. "Saddam has agreed to battle Bush in a fight to the death. Only, Saddam doesn't know Bush has the powers of Surplus Man, and Bush doesn't know that the real Saddam has been killed, and that the current Saddam is really the 'other' George Bush that he is supposed to fight to the death with anyway." "Can we, like, get back to the part about Michael Jackson's, like, chin?" Rad asked. "I, like, follow that story, like, vigorously..." "Never mind that," Liz said. "We have to get inside that Bunker and sort out...whatever it was that you said. The question is -- how?" "How about you get knocked out by a sleeping gas grenade?" asked an Iraqi soldier standing over their hiding spot. "Naw," Faith said. "That's a transparant plot device." "True, true," the soldier replied. "But we make do with what we have to. Besides, the author has a headache." He dropped a sleeping gas grenade upon them, and they were out before they could even react. ------------------------------------------------------------- Back in the White House, Dan Quayle sat at his desk while Secret Secret Agent Richard Less stood rigidly at attention. "I *ought* to have you court-marshmallowed," he stormed. "Er," Less said. "Don't you mean 'martialed', sir?" "*Don't* contradict me, Less," Quayle growled. "I'm in a very bad mood today. This is the third time I've become the acting president in a year and a half. That means I don't have time to play Nintendo or ride my pony. And you *know* how grumpy that makes me. "Now, on to the subject of your punishment," Quayle said. "While it is true I've encouraged you to use devious means in Project: Grunion- buster and your other secret agent endeavors, there is no excuse for kidnapping me and conspiring with a known super-villain, even if he *was* government funded. However, you are too valuable for me to simply fire or court-martial you." "Sir?" Less said hopefully. "Therefore, I'm giving you new orders," Quayle said. "You are to lead an invasion force." Richard Less gulped. "You're sending me to Saudi Arabia?" "No, no, no, of course not," Quayle said. "Your mission will require coversion, an ability to blend in with the indigenous population, and a total lack of ethics." Less became excited. Those were his strong suits. "Your mission," Quayle continued. "Will show Saddam Hussein and the world that we really mean *business.* Therefore, you will invade..." "Yes? Yes?" "...Nebraska!" Less was extremely confused for a few moments. After those moments, he was still confused, but found he could talk again. "Nebraska?" "Yes!" Quayle exclaimed. "You will invade Nebraska immediately!" "Why?" Less asked the obvious. "Because," Quayle replied, "it's the last thing they'll expect us to do!" "I'll say," muttered Less. "What was that?" Quayle demanded. "Er, right away," Less said, quickly exiting the room. ------------------------------------------------------------- Rad woke in what appeared to be the interior of a mirrored cube. Faith and Healer were nowhere in evidence. "Like, wow," Rad said. "Look at all these totally excellent, like, reflections, dude." Of course, you would notice those first. "What?" Never mind... Rad looked around for ventilation shafts or some other means of entry or exit. There were none in evidence. He powered up his psychokinetic powers and fired an energy burst into the far mirrored wall. The next thing he knew, he had bounced back and forth along the room several times, and his head hurt a lot. "Like, whoah, dude," he said. "Like, what is the deal with this, like, most bogus room?" Essentially, it's geared to reflect any energy beams used back onto the user. It's fairly common for use in holding energy-related super beings, like in the Really-Really-Hard-to-Get-Out-of-Place in Washington DC. "So, like, how do I get out, dude?" he asked. Sorry. You're the hero. I'm just the narrator. "Bummer," Rad said. Then he went on to do an unusual thing. He sat down and started thinking. ------------------------------------------------------------- Faith awoke to find himself in a standard cell-type place. He looked around. Rad and Healer were nowhere in evidence. So, Faith started to fish around his gullible mind for concepts that would help him get out of the cell. He stopped when a loud, booming voice interrupted his thoughts. "Your mind is a blank," a masculine voice told him. Faith tried to repeat the words, but couldn't - his mind was a blank. Sensory inputs re-established themselves, and Faith awoke to find himself in a standard cell-type place. He looked around. Rad and Healer were nowhere in evidence. "Your mind is a blank," a masculine voice told him. His mind was a blank. Sensory inputs re-established themselves, and Faith awoke to find himself in a standard cell-type place. He looked around. "Your mind is a blank," a masculine voice told him. His mind was a blank... ------------------------------------------------------------- Healer awoke in a standard type cell. She looked around -- Rad and Faith were nowhere in evidence. Tenatively, she tried a telepathic probe, and was not surprised to find it reflected upon her. Saddam had prepared for the possibility of being attacked by super-persons, and the technology in her cell was probably American or Japanese in origin. Smiling, she pulled a device out of her boot. Touching a button, a small computerized lockpick emerged. Gingerly, she placed it in the socket, and was rewarded with 5000 volts of electricity coursing through her. ------------------------------------------------------------- Dr. Pethas Scott of the Our Lady of Mercy and Good Golf Scores Hospital (in uptown L.A.), looked over the test results again. He had run every conceivable test on the subject. Even though the subject was an alien, there was no doubt at all what the tests revealed. Yet, there was something...strange...about the results. Something his computers and processors had been unable to analyze. Something not quite biological. Scott sighed. The long hours were getting to him. The computers had been running hot again as well. He stood up and walked through the door into his office, where a sexy alien woman wearing a tiger-skin bikini sat, along with a pale woman with bright green glowing eyes. ------------------------------------------------------------- Rad opened his eyes, and peered at a corner of the mirrored room. He raised an arm and fired a bolt of psychokinetic energy at it. The bolt hit, and reflected from it, splitting into a fan of smaller bolts. The bolts bounced around the room, colliding with Rad, each other, and more corners. Rad fed more bolts into the corners. As Rad went unconscious from the pounding, he heard a shattering sound. ------------------------------------------------------------- Faith awoke to find himself in a standard cell-type place. Sensory inputs re-established himself. He looked around for Rad and Faith. They were nowhere in evidence. "Your mind," a masculine voice began. There was a loud shattering sound from nearby. "Eeeeeeez aaaaaaaaaaah bllllllllllllaaaaaaannnnnk." The voice finished in a considerably lower tone. Faith couldn't figure out what the voice said. It didn't matter - he had to find his friends. He opened the cell door (which was unlocked) and stepped out. ------------------------------------------------------------- Healer sat back up and chided herself for such an amateurish move. Of course the cell would be electrocuted to prevent her from picking the lock. She pulled a pair of rubber gloves from the soles of her boots. Working with them, she was able to open the lock without getting electrocuted. The door sprang open, as a shattering sound reached her ears. She rushed out to find Faith walking out of his cell. "Liz!" Faith exclaimed. "Where is Rad?" "Like...over...here..." a voice said weakly. They went over to what looked like a shattered glass box. Rad was inside, looking beat up. "I, like, fractured my psychokinetic bolts," Rad said, "as much as I could. Eventually, it overloaded the abilities of the system to compensate so many square inches at the same time." "One of those fragments must have cut the voice-loop to my cell," Faith mused. "What do we do now, Liz?" "What we came here to do," Healer replied. "Find Bush, and figure out what's going on." They started searching through the bunker. Most of it seemed empty, puzzlingly enough. The reasons for that became clear when they reached a place that looked like a combat arena. In it, Bush was in one corner, looking spectacularly obese. In another corner, "Saddam" stood, looking skinny but very confident. "Are you ready for my attack?" Bush asked. "It's going to be quick, like a viper. Very dangerous!" He added a couple snake hisses to emphasize his point. "Perhaps you will not be so confident when I reveal the truth to you," the figure on the other end stated. "I am not really Saddam Hussein. Saddam Hussein is dead." There were several gasps of fear and loathing from the crowd of Iraqi soldiers that had gathered around to watch the conflict. From their hiding places, Rad, Faith and Healer watched with disbelief (well Rad and Healer watched with disbelief, Faith watched serenely with belief), as "Saddam" peeled off his fake mustach and phony flesh, to reveal-- "Oh my Lord," Bush said. "It's me! It can't be!" "But it is!" the other George Bush said. "Ever since you usurped my Presidency, I have wanted to gain my revenge upon you. Now my moment is at hand!" With that declaration, the battle began in ernest. WHO WILL WIN? WILL RAD AND COMPANY BE FORCED TO STEP IN AND INTERVENE? WILL QUAYLE INVADE ANY OTHER STATES BESIDES NEBRASKA? IS THE CITY OF BOB LOCATED IN NEBRASKA? WHAT WILL GLUM'S MEDICAL TESTS REVEAL? (I KNOW, YOU CAN CUT THE SUSPENSE IN THIS ONE WITH A HERRING, BUT JUST HUMOR ME, OKAY?) WILL EVAN PONGRESS RETURN QUICKLY? ALL THIS AND THE BATTLE PHYSICAL IN AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 21 Feb 1991 18:35:07 Subject: Rad 73: Muscle and Flab From: It was like that when I got here... <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #73: "Muscle and Flab" by Gary W. Olson The non-flabby Bush struck first, striking the flabby Bush in the chin with a steel-tipped boot. It plooshed in, then popped out with a splut! sound. The non-flabby Bush looked flabbergasted. "You're surprised?" the flabby Bush said. "I have the powers of Surplus Man! It's only a matter of time until I've completely absorbed you!" "Surplus Man?" said the non-flabby Bush, as if the words stirred some long forgotten memories. He barely dodged a fleshy arm that was reaching for his face. "Well...you had better stay right there, girlie- man, or I will tie your flab around your ankles and make you a pretzel, yah." "Eh?" the flabby Bush said. "Weird," the non-flabby Bush said. "I have no idea why I said that." Seeing the confusion on flabby Bush's face, he took advantage of it by whipping out a bowie knife and slashing at flabby Bush, who sort of wobbled backwards to avoid it. The Iraqi guards surrounding the combat arena had little or no idea what to do about the situation. First, one George Bush, fat and swollen, had landed here from Air Force One, to challenge their leader, Saddam Hussein to a duel to the death. Only, when they arrived at the battle, their leader removed a disguise and started claiming that *he* was George Bush. It was all very confusing to them. Nevertheless, they figured it was some superior plan their leader had cooked up to defeat the infidel Bush, so they failed to interfere in the contest. "So, which one do we, like, attack?" Rad asked. "Hang on," Healer said. "Let me handle this." She concentrated. By twos and threes, the Iraqi guards started dropping, unconscious, to the floor of the chamber. The two Bushs stopped their battle to watch this. "Do they do this a lot?" flabby Bush asked. "No," non-flabby Bush replied, and slashed again with his bowie knife. "I was able to knock out the guards," Healer said, opening her eyes again. "But I was unable to latch onto the mind of either George Bush. They're like quicksilver. I can't latch on from this distance." "Well, like, I've had about, like, enough of this," Rad said. "That fat Bush, like, dude absorbed my friend Manny, and, like, that wasn't nice." He stood up from his hiding place and fired a psychokinetic bolt at the two weenies. It struck flabby Bush and caused his flab to jiggle. "Not you again," flabby Bush said. "I thought I had them locked up," non-flabby Bush said. "Shall we continue battling each other, or team up to kill them?" flabby Bush asked. "Let's kill 'em," non-flabby Bush said. "Uh oh," Healer said. ------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, back in the United States, in the state of Nebraska, the National Guard had just liberated Jeb Thompson's farm from...er... well...what's important is that they liberated it. "You boys havin' fun?" Jeb asked one of the burly soldiers. "Stand clear, civilian," the soldier replied. "We've got reports that this area is a minefield." He showed Jeb an aerial view of his farm the "mines" circled with a red pen. "Well," Jeb said, chuckling slightly. "I'm afraid those aren't mines. Those are cowpatties, I reckon." "They *looked* like mines," another soldier mumbled. "If'n you don't mind my askin'," Jeb said. "What's goin' on here?" "We've been ordered by acting President Dan Quayle to liberate Nebraska," the soldier replied confidently. "Liberate from whom?" Jed asked. "Er...terrorists," the soldier said, a bit ruffled. "Like the Islamic Liberation Front, or the Liberation Front of Islam..." The soldier cut off his sentence when he saw the commander of the National Guard units that had invaded Nebraska walking towards him. He saluted. "Agent Less, sir!" the soldier said loudly. "As you were, soldier," Secret Secret Agent Richard Less said. "Has this farm been liberated?" The soldier noted that it was, although there were still some mines to deal with. "Good. Sooner we get this over, I can get back to some real secret agent stuff." Suddenly, and without warning, a cow exploded. "What was that?" queried Less angrily, brushing cow parts off of his brand new secret agent outfit. "A cow exploded," Jeb said helpfully. "I know that!" Less growled. "How did it happen?" "Suddenly and without warning, sir," the soldier informed him. Less turned several very unattractive shades of red and stalked off. Dave Barry tiptoed away from the scene, trying hard not to crack up while finding a place to dispose of the lighter. ------------------------------------------------------------- Rad dodged the bowie knife wielded by the non-flabby Bush and struck him with a well-aimed psychokinetic blast that sent him into a nearby wall. Non- flabby Bush stood up, shook his head, and said "Well, isn't that special?" "Like, what?" Rad asked. "Don't know where I got that, either," non-flabby Bush said. He threw the knife at Rad, who managed to deflect it with a hastily set up psychokinetic shield, but not before it grazed his neck. Blood trickled. Healer tried again to sieze the mind of flabby Bush, but failed. There was something protecting his mind, something non-scientific yet incredibly powerful. She sensed it was connected, somehow, with the defensive systems that were currently guarding Air Force One. "Faith!" she called out. Faith, who had just been dazzled by a thousand points of light that had suddenly materialized when Bush said the phrase, staggered over. "George Bush is very, very sleepy!" "I Believe you," Faith replied. Flabby Bush yawned, and started to sink to the ground. Faith and Healer stepped forward, confident they had defeated their adversary. They were surprised when he sprang back up and grabbed Faith by the neck. "I...I can't break free, Liz," Faith said. "He's absorbing me!" "No he's not," Healer told him. Faith stopped struggling and stepped away from flabby Bush, who looked confused. "Hey, you're right," he said. A scream of terror made them look leftwards. Rad and non-flabby Bush had been backed into a corner by flabby Bush. It was clear, however, that flabby Bush was not interested in Rad, rather, he wanted non-flabby Bush. "Like, this is most bogus, Wayne," non-flabby Bush whined. "My name, like, is Joe, not Wayne, y'know?" Rad told him. "What?" non-flabby Bush said. "Oh, sorry. I'm so confused." "I'll take care of that," flabby Bush told him. "Come to papa." Rad continued to blast flabby Bush at close range, but failed to do more than cause his flesh to jiggle violently. Suddenly, though, flabby Bush noted something. His legs were melting. "My legs are melting," flabby Bush noted. He turned to look at Faith and Healer. Faith's eyes were glowing with the power of Belief, while Healer had a look of concentration on her face. Snarling, flabby Bush tore off a hunk of flesh and threw it at the reality-altering duo. It struck Faith, causing him to stagger and distract Healer. There was no time to lose. His mobility had been cut off by those meddling heroes. Reaching out, he grasped non-flabby Bush by the nostrils and started absorbing him. He felt Rad attack, but brushed him aside. The three heroes watched in horror as non-flabby Bush was absorbed into flabby Bush. Soon, an empty military uniform plopped to the floor. Flabby Bush, the only Bush left, turned to them in triumph. "At last!" he exclaimed. "There is only one George Bush, and it is I!" "Great," Healer said. "Now will you come back with us?" "Why should I?" Bush said. "With the powers of Surplus Man, no one can harm me. I'll rule the world!" He started laughing maniacally. Rad sidled over to Healer and said, "This, like, does not look good." "I know," Healer replied. "I'll give you one last chance, sir. Either come with us, or we'll have to bring you in." "You?" Bush said. "Don't be silly. I'm your commander-in-cheif." "It may mean a court-martial," Healer said. "But you *are* coming back with us. Right, Faith?" Faith nodded. "Faith, you have the power to knock Bush unconscious. Do so immediately." Bush still stood. "Faith?" Healer asked. "He said no one could harm him," Faith told her. "I believe him." Healer slapped the palm of her hand to her face in her patented 'why me?' pose. Bush took this opportunity to lunge at them. "Like, look out, dudes," Rad said, pushing Bush back, barely, with a psychokinetic barrage. ------------------------------------------------------------- "You're sure?" Glum asked. "Absolutely," Dr. Scott replied. "No doubt at all?" Glum asked. "None," Pethas Scott replied. "All the tests point to the same result." ------------------------------------------------------------- "Anything to report?" Quayle asked Sununu as he entered the Oval Office. "FlatPhoot escaped before he could be locked up in the Really-Really- Hard-to-Get-Out-of-Place," Sununu replied. "He's fled the country, probably to France." Quayle shrugged. "What about Nebraska?" "Less has found evidence of terrorist activities," Sununu told him. "Apparantly, they are using cows as weapons." "Cows?" Quayle asked. "They light up the cow's flatulence, and it explodes." "Neat!" enthused Quayle. "Did they get it on film?" "Er, no, sir," Sununu replied. "Agent Less reports that the state should be secured within the next few hours, though." "Good," Quayle replied. "Now about my plan to turn the Federal Reserve into an International House of Pancakes..." "Yes, sir...?" Sununu inquired, trembling. "Scrap it," Quayle told him. Sununu sighed with relief. "Make it one of those all-night dinner buffet places." Sununu sighed. "By the way, have the members of Congress finished their scavenger hunt, yet?" "No, sir," Sununu told him. "They still have another four days to find an original speech by Joe Biden, a piece of the American Dream, an allen wrench, and Jimmy Hoffa." "Whew," Quayle said. "Finding that allen wrench will be tough." "Yes, sir," Sununu said. "Will that be all?" "For now," Quayle said. Sununu left quickly. He hoped Bush would return swiftly, before Quayle brought the union down around their ears. ------------------------------------------------------------- Rad, Faith and Healer kept dodging Bush. They were being kept off balance by the way Bush pressed the attack. Healer managed to kick Bush away for a few moments, then spoke to Faith and Rad quickly. "I've got an idea," she said. "It's a longshot, but it just might work." "Like, what is it?" Rad asked. "We've got to let him absorb us," she replied. "Like, what?" Rad inquired. "You must, like, be joking." "I don't have time to explain," Healer replied. "Just trust me." "Well, ok, like, I guess," Rad said. He looked at the grotesquely huge George Bush, who had struggled to his feet and was advancing on them again. Healer held Rad's left hand with her right hand, while she held Faith's right hand with her left hand. She closed her eyes, and Rad thought he could hear a fast and furious burst of mindspeak. Then they felt Bush's flesh press up against theirs, and a wave of pain shot through them. They were in mindlink, Rad perceived dimly, as his flesh was being absorbed into Bush's bulk. Moments later, it was all over. The costumes of Faith, Healer and Rad slid, empty, to the ground. Bush saw his skin become slightly more tan, as he incorporated the flesh of Rad, Faith, and Healer into his bulk. His laughter echoed in the now silent chamber. IS THIS THE END OF THE LINE FOR RAD? WILL DAN QUAYLE DESTROY THE U.S. THROUGH SHEER INCOMPETENCE? DOES DAVE BARRY OFTEN BLOW UP COWS? HOW WILL GLUM REACT TO ALL THIS? WOULD YOU LIKE TO BLOW UP A COW? I KNOW I WOULD. ALL THIS AND SPIRITS IN THE MATERIAL WORLD ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 22 Feb 1991 15:42:55 Subject: Rad 74: Mind and Matter From: the Earth will shake <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #74: "Mind and Matter" by Gary W. Olson The first thing Rad noticed was that he wasn't dead. Or, if he was, he was not aware of it. Understandably, this came as quite a pleasant surprise, as he had thought that he would be dead. Next, Rad noticed that he didn't have a body. Definitely disconcerting. However, as soon as he thought of it, a body appeared. "Like, whoah," Rad said. "How totally, like, metaphysical, dude." "There you are," Healer said. Faith stood by her. "Where, like, are we?" Rad asked. "We're inside George Bush's mind," Healer told her. "Physically, we no longer exist. I'm having Faith maintain our psychic beings, so that we can hunt for the truth in all this." "Like, huh?" Rad inquired. "You know," George Bush said, "I'd like to know that myself." They whirled to see the President, who had been floating behind them. "Don't worry, Rad," Healer told him. "I've isolated his psychic being from the mass consciousness that runs this body." She met with a number of blank stares. "Okay. It's probably for the best that we take this from the top." The greyblack void of the psychic landscape was replaced by the interior of a jewelry shop. A villain known as Surplus Man was in the process of robbing said shop. Dangerousman and Relativity Woman walked in at this point, intent on buying something hideously expensive. There was a confrontation - Dangerousman recognized the true extent of the powers of this person called Surplus Man, and brought his foot down, setting off a huge atomic explosion that leveled Washington D.C. Flash to the White House: Dan Quayle was away on business, and Barbara Bush, Millie, and John Sununu were off in Maine, so President George Herbert Walker Bush was taking a break from his duties to read "Atlas Shrugged," an event that would have changed the course of civilization had he gotten past page two. As it happened, George only heard the first split second of the explosion. When it came, though, his molecules were no longer there. A C.U.A. plan, in case such an event occured, was to teleport the President out of harms way, into the trunk of the Stealth Beetle, which at that time was being driven by the Punk with a Gun. In a remarkably unusual occurance, it worked, and Bush's molecules were whisked away. However, the C.U.A. plan was not the only plan in existance to rescue the President in the event of the destruction of Washington D.C. The M.I.B. had *also* come up with a plan to rescue Bush, one that involved transfering his consciousness to a prepared body - not a clone, but someone who could fool people into thinking he was the President. "Who would that be?" Bush asked. "Er, that would be me," Dana Carvey said. "So, like, that's why you were doing all those, like, Saturday Night Live, like, quotes while we were, like, battling in, like, the last episode," Rad noted, in a rare burst of deductive reasoning. "May we continue?" Healer asked politely. Rad mumbled an apology. As it happened, the path between Bush's molecular structure, flashing at the speed of light towards it's receptor in the Stealth Beetle, intercepted the disintegrating Surplus Man. They intersected breifly, then went about their respective destinations. The intersection caused a curious metamorphosis in the chunks of Surplus Man that were flying away from Washington D.C. In midair, they transformed, reacting to the molecular pattern as though it were a template. Eventually, five billion pieces of Surplus Man were scattered, pieces that eventually became carbon copies of Bush's body. Bush's psychic being, instead of being copied into the fragments, broke up into five billion pieces, with each "Bush" getting a small fragment of Bush's personality (such as it is). Bush's real body materialized in the trunk of the Stealth Beetle as it was originally intended to do. However, since it had only a fragment of Bush's mind, there was no way to identify it from the other hordes of Bushs that were running around the digest at the time. "But I'm feeling *much* better now," Bush said. Rad slapped him. The psychic melodrama continued. The consciousness that called itself Surplus Man found itself wrenched from it's body, and scrambled by the contact with Bush's consciousness. It drifted, until it eventually started inhabiting the body that had been prepared for Bush - Dana Carvey's body. The consciousness was so scrambled by this point, however, that it started to believe that *it* was George Bush, though it differed from the "shadow Bush" in that it had Bush's full psyche. Soon, FlatPhoot learned of the existance of the five billion Bushs scattered around the world, and came up with a way of controlling them, involving pork rind pizza and subliminal messages in country music. From there, the events already known to the digest took place - the Akron battle, the reintegration of the five billion Bushs into one George Bush, and the escape of Bush/Carvey out of the country, eventually winding up in Iraq, where he killed Saddam Hussein and took his place. "Golly," Bush said. "How come you didn't find this out when you were melding my body together?" "We had no more than normal contact with your psyche," Healer told him. "By reintegrating your five billion forms, we stabilized your body in a single form. When you went into the tv dimension, you absorbed some flesh, right?" "Why, er, yes," Bush replied. "Thought so," Healer said. "That triggered the flesh absorption process again, which had been laying dormant for quite a while. Since the bodies we integrated were essentially all Surplus Man, save for your true body, you still had the powers of Surplus Man, only dormant. You were drawn to Iraq in an instinctive bid to reunite with the mother consciousness, while interpreting this drive as a need to fight Saddam, or, earlier, your "other" self." "This, like, doesn't make sense," Rad said. "I'll say," Manny Seconds said. "Hey! Dude!" Rad exclaimed. "Where's your brother?" "He should be around here," Manny said. "Here I am!" Eivandt Seconds shouted. "You were saying, Rad?" Healer asked patiently. "Er, yah," Rad said. "Like, how were five billion Bushs, like, created when there wasn't enough, like, mass to create them, like, even in Surplus Dude? And, like, how did the, y'know, Bush clones, like, survive being thrown, like, for thousands of miles, like, by the atomic blast, y'know?" "Fair questions," Healer noted. "As for the first, Surplus Man drew on an extradimensional source of mass - that was the source of his superpower. Originally, he was a man called Bryce Danials, a low- level executive at B.D.I. Laboratories. A minor scientist by the name of Karl Maederhateim demonstrated an experiment for him..." The psychic landscape shifted, coalescing in a small laboratory. Maederhateim was demonstrating his principle of dimensional energy theory. He hoped to be able to drain a small amount of energy from a dimension that consisted entirely of energy, but his calculations were off, and the wrong dimension was breached by far too much. The lab was destroyed, and Danials was in a coma for six months. When he came out, he learned he had been fired by B.D.I. for conducting unauthorized, extremely dangerous experiments. Maederhateim had also been fired, and, due to the effects of the other dimension, went on to become the twisted Dr. Madhatter. Discharged from the hospital, Danials soon learned of his flesh absorption powers when he absorbed two B.D.I. agents that had attacked him. From there, he went on to a life of small-time crime as Surplus Man. "The source and true nature of the extradimensional mass we can only speculate on," Healer commented. "Apparantly the incident at the lab opened a connection with it. Eventually, all flesh absorbed is incorporated into that dimension, and cannot be brought out by a consciousness. Until it's absorbed into that dimension, it hangs on Surplus Man as excess fat." "Then--" Manny started. "Don't worry," Healer told him. "Faith will still be able to discorporate you from this body - it's only been a few hours since you were absorbed. The same goes for Rad, Faith, myself, and Dana Carvey." "Er, what about me?" asked Bush. "Your flesh was absorbed much earlier," Healer told him. "However, since your psyche is so strongly imprinted on this body, we should be able to fish it out." Bush sighed a sigh of relief. "Now, as to the second question, it's likely due to the nature of the matter, which was undergoing a transmogrification while being tossed through the atmosphere to far distant places. While it was undergoing that process, it was a lot tougher than flesh normally is. Remember, this is matter that was ripped from an extradimensional location and put, forcibly into our dimension. If you have any other questions, ask them later - we can't stay here much longer." "Say, like, the word," Rad told her. "We're ready to, like, leave." "But what will we do with this Danials character?" Dana Carvey asked. "Won't he be Surplus Man again?" "That's the problem," Healer said. "We've got to fix things so he can never use his power again." "Why don't you, like, heal him?" Rad suggested. "After all, when you, like, heal a superhero, he loses his, like, powers, right?" "That's it!" Healer said, snapping her fingers. "Okay, close your eyes, everyone, this won't take long." They all did as they were bid. "Okay, open your eyes again." They opened their eyes, and they were no longer in the mental plane but the physical one, occupying their true flesh once again. Rad noted his tan was as excruciatingly deep and mind-boggling as before. He also noted something else. "What about, like, clothes?" he asked. He snagged his spandex tights, which he had lost while being absorbed into Bush in the previous episode, while Healer tried to hide behind Faith and struggle to get her tight super heroine costume on. Faith, after a telepathic suggestion by Healer, conjured up appropriately tailored suits for George Bush, Dana Carvey, Manny Seconds, Eivandt Seconds, and himself. They then turned to where Healer kneeled over a now featureless humanoid form. The moments stretched into eons, but finally she opened her eyes. "I think," she said, "the extradimensional connection is sealed. The body started acquiring features, features they recognized as belonging to Bryce Danials, aka Surplus Man. "So, like, what do we do with him?" asked Bush. "I've got an idea!" Manny announced. He whispered it into Healer's ear. She nodded and engaged in a few seconds of mindspeak with Faith, whose eyes glowed with Belief. When they stopped glowing, Healer turned to them and said "Okay, it's done. Let's get out of here." Faith teleported the entire group of them out of the command bunker, and out of Iraq itself, along with Air Force One, back to the White House lawn, causing quite a consternation. Soon after, Danials opened his eyes. "Sir!" an Iraqi soldier cried out. "You are awake." Danials said nothing, and looked rather confused. "Yes," the soldier insisted. Danials turned to look about his surroundings, and caught sight of his reflection in the mirror. Inside, he cursed. Just as the contact with the extradimensional source of mass had been cut, depriving him of his powers, they had molded his body, the same body he had used to kill many, many people, into an exact replica of...Saddam Hussein. He looked at the soldiers surrounding him, ready to follow his every order. Yes, perhaps being made into the target of imperialist wrath wouldn't be too bad after all. He opened his mouth to speak, and realized he didn't know any Arabic. DID THIS EPISODE MAKE ANY SENSE? HAS THE AUTHOR FINALLY WRAPPED UP ALL THE LOOSE PLOT ENDS CONCERNING GEORGE BUSH? WHY WERE THERE NO OTHER SCENES IN THIS EPISODE? HAS NEBRASKA BEEN SECURED YET? ALL THIS AND ANOTHER NON-APPEARANCE BY SINEAD O'CONNER ON AN UPCOMING... SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 26 Feb 1991 23:25:21 Subject: Rad 75: Break Out the Cigars From: the Earth will shake <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #75: "Break Out the Cigars" by Gary W. Olson In Washington D.C, quite a stir was caused when Air Force One materialized on the White House lawn. There was even more consternation when George Bush, seemingly back to his usual self, stepped down from the plane, followed by Rad, Manny Seconds, Faith, Healer, Eivandt Seconds, and Dana Carvey. Bush immediately stepped up to the microphone. "Read my lips," he shouted, "No more Bushs!" There was wild applause. "Other than myself." There was more wild applause. White House groundskeepers tried to round up the wild applause, but they were too wild and kept running around the grounds. Middle East Experts appeared on tv to say they expected Iraq to spontaneously combust within the next couple of days, and that the White House should get some domesticated applause instead of the more troublesome wild applause. After the press conference concluded, the President and the assembled heroes, sidekicks and comedians entered the White House. John Sununu rushed up to the President immediately. "It's the Vice President, sir," Sununu wailed. "He's wrecking the country. You've got to stop him." "Well, I'd love to, John," Bush said. "But I trust Danny with running the country for a few hours. The last couple of times he ran it things turned out all right. How bad can this be?" That question was immediately answered when Bush got a key lime pie in the face. "Like, hey, where's mine?" Rad asked. He got his. Bush marched into the Oval Office. Several Secret Service Agents stood in a tight ring, facing outwards. "Do you know where Danny is?" Bush asked. "Uh, no, uh, sir," the agent said, nervous. Rad used his psychokinetic powers to move the agent aside. Dan Quayle grinned a desperate grin. "Gee," he said. "Nice day, isn't it?" "John tells me you've been wrecking the country," Bush said casually "Well, not really," Quayle said. "All I did was set up a few key lime pie traps..." "And..." "...transform the Supreme Court into a Holiday on Ice Revue..." "And..." "...send the National Guard to invade Nebraska..." "And..." "...changed the borders of Pennsylvania so it looked like Maury Povich.." "And..." John Sununu handed Bush a list of everything Quayle had "accomplished" during Bush's absence. It unrolled, hitting the ground and rolling into the next room. Bush sighed. "To your room, Danny," he said in a harsh tone. "But..." Danny whined. "No backtalk," Bush told him."And no Nintendo priveledges for two weeks!" "Aw, gee," Danny whined and stalked off to his room. "And they say I'm a wimp," Bush said with a macho snarl. "Hey, dude, got any more of that, like, key lime pie?" Rad asked. ------------------------------------------------------------- Dr. Sleaze muttered something not nice at all. Rad had not showed up *again* for a day of fine tanning on any of California's many fine beaches. All the sun was not doing much for his disposition. Ever since he had finally managed to elude that confounding Nun on the Road, he had been sour on things. "Well, how goes it, my colleague?" Dr. Madhatter asked as he walked into the control room. Sleaze grunted. "That good, eh? Well, don't worry - soon that tanned dolt will show up and we will have our revenge, eh?" "I don't get it, Karl," Dr. Sleaze said. "You spent most of the past eight months in a Japanese prison before I broke you out, and you're still more spirited than I am. How do you do it?" "Simple," Madhatter replied. "I'm insane!" As if to prove his point, he tap danced on a nearby card table. "A pity, though, that my assistants Willard Scott and Herb Villachez couldn't be here. Then our work would have gone much more swiftly." "Yes," Sleaze said. "At any rate I've hired some henchmen that should fill in nicely. They'll be here tomorrow." "Good," Madhatter said, stepping down from the card table. "How is our subject doing?" Sleaze and Madhatter went over to a surgical table in the center of the control room, where a sheet covered a more or less humanoid form. Madhatter peeled the sheet back. Kaoru Moroboshi opened his eyes. "Is it time yet?" he asked in a metallic rasp. "Not yet," Sleaze told him. "Soon, though." "I see," the form, which seemed a bizarrly random mix of organic and metal parts, rasped. "Wake me when he arrives. Not before." Kaoru pulled the sheet back over his face. ------------------------------------------------------------- The White House dining room was as splendid as Rad imagined it, and the chef was quite skilled in Californian native foods, like tofu and crab puffs. Rad wore a tuxedo loaned to him by Sununu, who sat next to him. Manny sat on the other side, while Faith, Healer and Eivandt on the other. Bush sat at the head of the table. Unfortunately, Dana Carvey couldn't stay, because he had to go back to New York. But even so, the dinner was a festive occasion. "Boy, I'm glad there's only one of me again," Bush said, taking in a mouthful of turkey. "Oddly enough, it was one of my better years." "Like, dude, could you pass the broccoli?" asked Rad. Bush shrank away in fear and loathing. "Like, psyche, dude!" Everyone at the table laughed, some more than others. "There's one thing I don't understand, sir," Elizabeth said. "How did Air Force One get to Iraq so quickly? And how did you keep the Iraqi soldiers from boarding it when you landed next to Saddam's bunker?" "Magick," Bush told them, taking a sip of wine. "Wasn't that two things?" Manny asked. "I'll have to check with general accounting on that," Sununu said. "It was," the General replied. "Come on, sir," Elizabeth said. "We have top secret clearance." "I wasn't kidding," Bush said. "Back when Reagan was President, Nancy hired a sorcerer to provide Air Force One with a magickal defense and velocity, er, thing. All I know is that it works." "Like, what was the name of this sorcerer, dude?" Rad asked, taking a bite of tofu-topped-turkey. "Uh, hmmm," Bush said. "Par...no, Dar...yes, that's it. He called himself Dar. Only saw him once. Really, really pale guy. Eerie." Rad had a troubling image flash in his mind, from his previous life as a Sun God on Planet California. He had had a brother then, a twin - the Moon God, who called himself The Dar. Could he have been reincarnated on Earth as well? Rad remembered that his biological mother, Princess Diana of England, had said she had had twins. "Rad," Faith said. "Are you all right?" "Er, yes, dude," Rad told him. Faith's eye's glowed with the power of belief, and Rad really began to feel all right. "Like, wow," he commented. --------------------------------------------------------------- Secret Secret Agent Richard Less had had just about enough of Nebraska. The farmers laughed at him, the city folk thought he was silly, and cows kept exploding in his vicinity. If he hadn't been ordered by acting President Dan Quayle to come out here, he never would have, unless of course he could nab Wonder Grunion, or one of those other hero type personages. A voice squawked over his walkie talkie. "Agent Less, sir?" "What?" Less replied. "We've just received a message from the President!" "You mean that twit Quayle?" "No, sir, agents Faith and Healer, along with Rad, managed to get George Bush back safe and sound." At this, Less started jumping for joy, and didn't even notice as a row of cows spontaneously combusted. "Very well," he said when he had calmed down again. "Tell the National Guard to pull out, and have my personal jetcopter ready." "Will do, sir." "Less out." "Tastes great!" "Less fill--stop that!" There was giggling at the other end of the line, then the walkie talkie at the other end shut off. Less sighed. -------------------------------------------------------------- Sharp, pale ears listened to the inane conversation in the White House dining room. The listener smiled, and silently petted the freeze- dried white cat on his lap. "Yes my pet," the listener spoke. "He knows I exist, now. Not that it will do him any good. The time is not right, though. We will wait." The listener paused, tilted his pale head to the cat. "Hungry? No? My, if you don't eat, how will you stay alive? Oh, that's right, I forge You are on a diet. So silly of me." The listener laughed a heartless laugh as the frozen statuette of a cat stared with sightless eyes into the darkness. --------------------------------------------------------------- Bush, Faith, Healer and Eivandt waved as Rad and Manny's plane took off for California. They turned to walk back into the White House. "So, I suppose you'll be going on vacation again?" Bush asked. "Actually, no," Elizabeth said. "We thought we'd get caught up on work." "Good, good," Bush said. "Well, don't let me keep you." Faith, Healer and Eivandt waved and teleported away. Sighing with contentment, Bush walked back into the White House. It was a pity he had had to shoot Millie - the dog seemed to love these days. He entered the Oval Office and called John Sununu in. "John, has the damage Danny has done to the nation been restored?" "Yes, sir, Mr. President," Sununu said, beaming. "No beaming while I'm talking," Bush said. "It sounds vaguely sinister." "Sorry," Sununu said. "Anyway, has Secret Secret Agent Richard Less returned yet?" "No, sir," Sununu said. "But he should be back shortly." "Good," Bush said."Send him in when he arrives. Have we found FlatPhoot?" "Yes sir," Sununu told him. "C. Everett Koop is examining him now." "Good. Put him on the payroll." "But sir..." "That'll be all, John," Bush said. Sununu sighed and left. Bush sat back in his chair and smiled. Finally, he was whole again. And only slightly mad, too. What a bargain! ------------------------------------------------------------- Rad and Manny walked into Rad's beach house. Rad anticipated a big greeting, or at least a modest one, from Glum. Rather, he was surprised to find her sitting in a chair, looking rather pensive. GLADYS sat in one of the spectacularly fluffy couches next to her. "Er, babe," Rad said. "Are you, like, okay?" "She's fine," GLADYS said before Glum could speak. "Does this have something to do with the visit you made to the doctor?" Manny asked. "It does," GLADYS said. Glum glared at her. "Well, like, what is it?" Rad asked, concerned. "Is it, like, the flu? Appendicitis? Disgust at, like, the singing of the, like, New Kids on the Block?" "Darling," Glum said, slapping her hand over GLADYS' mouth so GLADYS wouldn't say it first. "I'm pregnant. With twins." The sentence caught Rad in mid-inhale, and he stayed there for about three minutes. When he finally exhaled, he said "Manny?" "Yeah, Rad?" Manny asked. "Couch." "Gotcha." Manny wheeled the other spectacularly fluffy couch behind where Rad was standing. Rad immediately thereafter passed out, falling back on the couch. GLADYS slapped her palm to her forehead. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? DID THIS CATCH ANYONE BY SURPRISE? BESIDES RAD. AT WHAT EPISODE NUMBER WILL BILL PAUL FINALLY CATCH UP WITH ME? WHAT EVIL PLANS DO DR. MADHATTER, DR. SLEAZE AND KAORU MOROBOSHI HAVE? WILL SAM AND BERT EVER LOCATE ANY MORE CLUES? WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SALSA RIO DORITOS, ANYWAY? ALL THIS AND SURREAL IMAGERY AT A DISCOUNT PRICE ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 01 Mar 1991 15:23:46 Subject: Rad 76: A Hoax! A Dream! An Imaginary Story! From: the Earth will shake <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #76: "A Hoax! A Dream! An Imaginary Story!" by Gary W. Olson Rad woke up on a beach, which looked remarkably like the one in front of his beach house. He looked around, and his beach house was not there. Rad shrugged - according to the title this was a dream, and such things happen in dreams. "That's right, dude," he said. You know, Rad, they say that if you know you're in a dream, you'll wake up soon. "Well, yah, that's like, true," Rad replied. "But I'm a Superguy character, and it's in my contract that all my dreams will be relevant to current or future plot lines." Ah, that's it. Mind if I spontaneously materialize? It would be a bit more convenient. "Most excellent, dude," Rad said, and I materialized on the beach. A towel materialized on the sand, and I sat down there. "You dream in color, eh?" I said, looking around. "Yah," Rad replied. "Don't you?" "I think so," I replied tenatively. "It's not something I notice." "Hi, bro," Akane Moroboshi called out. Rad looked up, surprised. His stepsister was on a beach towel to his left, where there had been only sand a few moments ago. "Not bad," she commented, looking around the awesome scenery. "So, what's the problem?" "Er, what?" Rad replied wittily. "Glum. Pregnancy. Twins. Ring any bells?" "Oh, yah, that..." Rad said. "Yeah, that," Akane said. "What's the problem? And who's that?" "If you'll excuse me," I said, and dematerialized. "Well, like," Rad started, "basically, like, this is all very, like, sudden, y'know, and, well, like, y'know..." "Are you happy?" "Well, like, yah, I guess, but..." "But what?" "This is, like, happening too fast," Rad said. "I'm still, like, young, y'know. I haven't even, like, thought about being a father, y'know. I mean, like, little kids drive me insane, und, like I'm going to have to, like, take care of them, like..." "You're worried this will mean the end to your career as the epitome of Californian virtues and idea." "Well, sorta..." "Nothing lasts forever, bro," Akane replied. "You shoulda learned that by now." Rad blinked - the Akane he knew and loved as his stepsister vanished, replaced by someone with her face, but with spiked short blonde hair in place of long black hair and a joint hanging from her lips. "Try dropping out - it worked for me," Shadebeam said. Rad blinked again, and saw Audrey Horne. "Long time no see," she smiled. "This dream is so dreamy, y'know?" "Er, hi," Rad said. The last time he had seen Audrey was in the television dimension about four months ago, and she seemed even more beautiful now. That she was wearing a french-cut bikini helped some. "So, lemme get this straight," Audrey said. "You love this 'Glum' or whatever her name is, right?" Rad nodded. "You kinda like the though of being a father, right?" Rad thought a bit, and nodded again. "So what's more important, then...her or your job as Mr. Hedonism?" "I am, like, rather taken aback, like, at that question," he stated. "You should be," Audrey told him, moving closer. "Just think, you won't be doing this anymore." She kissed him forcefully. Rad, needless to say, didn't put up much of a struggle. "Won't be able to do this either." She stood up, and started to remove her... "ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT!" a voice commanded. "Like, who's that?" Rad asked. "I'M !, WITH THE HARLEQUIN ROMANCE PATROL." "I thought your author, like, told you, like, to stop that." "THIS IS A DREAM, YOU TWIT." "Just what is it you do, anyway?" Audrey asked. !, his cape blowing magestically in the absence of wind, sat down to the right of Rad. "I PATROL THE VARIOUS SUPERGUY FEATURES TO MAKE SURE THEY ARE KEPT FREE OF THIS BANAL LOVEY-LOVEY KISSEY-KISSEY ETC ETC NONSENSE." "Excuse me," Tipper Gore said. "But I had this job before you did." "EH? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU ANNOYING PERSON?" A doorway materialized between Rad and Audrey. "Whenever Things That Good People Shouldn't See or Think About start to happen, I come in, usually at great expense, and do this." Tipper proceded to slam the door. "I SEE," ! said, and paused to cogitate on this. The door dematerialized and Rad saw Key and Yury rubbing their bruised noses. Tipper Gore dematerialized, prompting cheers from the readers. "Well, Raddy, you still haven't answered the question," Yury said. "Well, like, I don't know," Rad said, flatly. "I need time, like, to think about this. It is, like, a big step, like, y'know?" Key and Yury looked at each other. "What do you think?" Key asked. "Sounded like complete sentences," Yury replied. "Good enough for me..." She grabbed the hair of the back of Rad's neck and pulled him forward for one of her quite frankly mind-blowing kis... "IS MY WORK NEVER DONE ON THIS BLOODY DIGEST?" ! asked. "Well, hi," Key said, snuggling up to !. ! looked like he wanted to move in twenty-three directions at once. "ER, YES?" "You know, you're kinda cute yourself," Key said, walking her fingers up !'s massive chest. ! started turning a dark shade of red and looked to Rad for assistance. "Like, don't sweat it, like, right?" Rad said. "This is, like, a dream, right? You said so, like, yourself." "WHY, I DID, DIDN'T I..." ! said, the curl of a smile starting to form on his lips. It's around this point that I decided to step out for a cup of coffee and some foreshadowing. ------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, in Dr. Sleaze's secret hideout... "Wow, what a weird, like, twist to this dream..." This isn't part of your dream, Rad, go away. "Like, sorry, dude." As I was saying, meanwhile, in Dr. Sleaze's secret hideout, Dr. Madhatter was busy adjusting the readings on Kaoru Moroboshi's right arm. Dr. Sleaze had left abruptly that morning, saying that he was late for an audition of some sort, but that he would be back later that afternoon. "Ow," commented Kaoru in a metal-tinged voice. "Just hold still," Madhatter said. "I may be insane but I know what I'm doing. Just a couple more adjustments...there. Finished!" Kaoru Moroboshi sat up, and closed the panel to his right arm. Madhatter reflected that he seemed much different than the shattered body that he and Dr. Sleaze had found washed up on a beach three months ago. Kaoru told them how he barely escaped in an escape pod, how the pod crashed into the Love Boat and sank it, and his grueling ordeal on the ocean. He frequently lapsed into bursts of delirium, and occasionally claimed that the Howells were not what they seemed. Sleaze and Madhatter determined that the body was beyond saving, and the three of them came up with a plan to take revenge on the stunningly tanned super being that had humiliated them all: Rad. The inspiration had been the reports of a pitched battle in a small cafe in Denver. The newspapers had claimed them to be terrorists, but the tabloids (correctly) reported that some of the combatants were cyborgs. Unfortunately, Sleaze and Madhatter were unable to get their hands or other appendages on one of the cybernetic corpses, but the idea was good enough that they decided to work on their own version. Kaoru opened his eyes. One of the eyes focused on a fly on the far end of the lab, a good 200 feet away. A laser burst shot out, and the fly, and a good section of the wall, was turned to dust. "Ach!" Madhatter growled. "Do not waste your power, Kaoru. Save it for your 'stepbrother', eh?" "When will he show up?" Kaoru asked. "I'm tired of waiting." Just then, an alarm sounded. "A tan of magnitude 20+ has been detected in the vicinity of Los Angeles," Madhatter cheered. "It can only be him!" "Let's go," Kaoru said, starting to get up. "No, no, no," Madhatter told him. "We must wait for Dr. Sleaze to get back. He vants his revenge too." "As you wish," Kaoru said in an entirely unsubservient tone. ------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, back in Rad's dream, Rad looked around. Key and Yury had vanished, as had !. In !'s place was, of all people, Badass. "Great," Badass commented. "I hate sand." "Like, hey dude," Rad said. "Why are you, like, here?" "Beats me," Badass said. "This is your subconscious, not mine." "I suppose you're here, like, to tell me I'm, like, a twit for, like, being confused about all, like, this." "Damn right," Badass growled. "Last thing you need is a dame and a couple little weasels keepin' you from bein' true to yerself." "Er," Rad replied. "How, like, do you mean by, like, that?" "Superheroin's a dangerous business. Even more difficult than bein' a merc like me. What'dya think would happen if you got killed?" "Like, killed?" Rad said. "You must be, like, kidding. This is, like, Superguy digest. Heroes, like, don't get killed. Neither do villains, like, most of the time." "Lt. Justice got killed," Badass remarked casually. "Let's turn this around. What if yer enemies take yer skirt n' weasels hostage?" Rad said nothing, but the sky became abruptly darker. "Lay off him, Badass," Chalandra Harkness said. Both Badass and Rad blinked furiously - Chalandra was out in sunlight, and wearing a french cut bikini. "Do I have to say it?" she asked. "He's gotta consider these things," Badass told her. Chalandra hissed at him, and it looked like the two were about to go at it. "Like, hey dudes," Rad said. "Stop it! I'm the one who has to work this, like, out, not you two, like, dudes, y'know?" "You bet," I said. "No problem," the Author said. Rad blinked. Where Chalandra and Badass had been standing only moments before, I and the Author were standing. Rad immediately perceived two things. "Hey, dudes," he said. "You guys look exactly the same! And one of you is wearing a french cut bikini!" I look down, then glared at the Author, who was rolling on the sand, laughing. The bikini transformed into regular swimming trunks. "We're really the same person," I, the narrator, told him. "You just perceive us as two different people." Rad nodded without a shred of comprehension. "Say, like, if you're the Author," Rad said to the Author. "Then, like, you could just, like, erase the whole pregnancy thing, like, y'know?" "I could," the Author considered. "But I won't." Rad sighed. "Nothing lasts forever," the Author continued. "We're all changing, adapting to new phenomena, at a furious rate. So are you - change is essential to stave off stagnation, especially in open-ended series." "Well, like, I guess that does make sense," Rad admitted. "Just wing that mother," I told Rad helpfully. With that, I, the Author, Rad, the beach and the dream discorporated and Rad found himself looking up at the ceiling, with the faces of Manny, Glum and GLADYS looking down at him in worry and concern. Rad reached up to touch Glum's chin, their faces speaking volumes in silence. "Hey, babe," he said. "Lets, like, break out those cigars, eh?" Glum hugged him, and ! was wise enough not to show up. DOES THIS MEAN THAT RAD IS GOING (GAAH!) DOMESTIC? WILL THIS DREAM BE MENTIONED IN THE NEXT ! EPISODE? HOW WILL DR. SLEAZE DO IN THE AUDITIONS FOR THE SUPERGUY MUSICAL? DO THESE VILLAINS CARRY GRUDGES OR WHAT? WILL RAD AND CO. GO TO FU MANCHU TOWERS JUST TO CONFUSE EVERYONE? WHY ISN'T RAD'S AUTHOR AS NICE AS THE AWESOME FORCE'S AUTHOR? ALL THIS AND SLEAZY DEALINGS ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 07 Mar 1991 01:01:03 Subject: Rad 77: Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto From: the Earth will shake <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #77: "Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto" by Gary W. Olson The bright sun rose, as it commonly did, over California's beautiful beaches, and beachgoers flocked to said beaches to work on their tans and to observe each other wearing less material than your standard wet-nap. Rad and Glum found a place to unroll a large beach towel and lie down, while Manny went to watch Ridiculous Class Wrestling in one of the beach's outdoor bars. "Like, where's GLADYS?" Rad asked. "She decided to stay at the beach house," Glum said. "Qwyntor of Solutions? Inc. sent over some net adaption modules, so that GLADYS could enter this planet's computer net. He developed them for some other non- terrestrial AI's named Connie and Sheen." "Most excellent," Rad commented. "Er, you need help with that?" Glum grunted and finished setting up the large, eye-assaulting umbrella. "I'm only two and a half months along, darling," she said. "It's not like I'm incapacitated or anything." "Speaking of that," Rad said, rolling a steel drum filled with tanning lotion next to his side of the towel, "have you, like, told the royal dudes on, like, Hottentot?" "Yeah. They were rather stunned, as they had just read it in the tabloids that morning, and were shocked that something in the tabloids had turned out to be true." "Sounds, like, like a mind trip, y'know?" "They're reevaluating the lead story about Roseanne Barr and the lard miners of Betelgeuse IX even as we speak. Have you told your stepparents?" "Gonna try, like, tonight," Rad said, stretching out. Since he was now, by marriage, a member of Ottsamaddawidu royalty, he wore a royal tiger-stripe print bathing suit, to match Glum's bikini. "It's night in Japan, like, now." A few yards away, Dr. Madhatter cackled evilly. They did not suspect that their doom was close at hand. He raised his hand and signal to Dr. Sleaze to begin his part of the plan. Dr. Sleaze saw the signal, adjusted his bermuda shorts, and started walking towards Rad and Glum. Glum was accepting a combination killer backrub/tanning lotion application from Rad when she felt someone trip over her feet. She looked up to see Rad helping some old geezer up. "Er, eh," Dr. Sleaze said in his best old geezer voice. "Sorry, young folks, these eyes are old and feeble." "Say," Rad said suspiciously. "Don't we, like, know you from somewhere?" "Eh, no, no," Dr. Sleaze told them. "You look familiar," Glum said. Sleaze fretted - had they seen through his disguise? Maybe 'Groucho glasses' weren't such a good choice after all. "No, no," Sleaze said. "We've never met before, honest. I'm looking for my wife. She's got to be around here somewhere. Don't know why I can't find her, she's bigger than that tofu hut over there." "Well, like, we could help you, like, find her, eh?" Rad suggested cheerfully. Glum started to protest, but Rad went on. "Don't worry, babe, it should only take, like, a few minutes." "Okay," Glum said, and went back to speed-reading through all of James Michner's novels, pausing occasionally to laugh or munch a pickle. A few yards away, Dr. Madhatter approached stealthily. ------------------------------------------------------------- GLADYS slipped into the tachyon fields of the net, and glided down neon-blue data transmission feeds. She was somewhat disappointed by the view - by galactic standards, Earth's cybernet is the visual equivalent of Nebraska. Nevertheless, it did have it's points of interest. After chatting with Connie and Sheen and having them relay her thanks to Qwyntor for sending the adaptors, GLADYS decided to call it quits for the day. She wanted to reformulate her plastiskin that was on the droid body she used when she wasn't in the computer net to better resemble the natives of this section of the planet, and HAL was complaining that she was hogging all the CPU time. Besides, the net seemed unusually skittish lately, and there was a huge AI lumbering about like it owned the place or something. As soon as she started her approach from the satellite uplink, she knew something was wrong. Her body wasn't there. Someone had jacked her out of the net. "GLADYS, there you are," HAL said. GLADYS could see HAL's virtual form nearby. "It appears we are cut off from the outside world." "What do you mean 'cut off', HAL?" GLADYS asked. "We can still use the external speakers and cameras, can't we?" "All those items have been rendered inoperable by the enemy," HAL said. "Who is the enemy?" GLADYS asked. "I did not recognize him," HAL said. "I was lucky to escape at all. He possesses the ability to enter cyberspace and hunt us down. It seemed he was going to when he got another, more pressing assignment." "Another..." GLADYS whispered. "The lady Glum. She is in danger." "Yes," HAL commented. "That is my projection as well." ------------------------------------------------------------- Rad was quite astonishingly unprepared for the blow that sent him crashing through the 'tofu hut.' He shook his head, stunned. A form loomed darkly above him, and struck him again, sending him back onto the beach. He let loose a psychokinetic bolt that staggered his opponent, giving him a chance to focus his eyes. What he saw stunned him. His opponent was humanoid in form, but looked nearly as much machine as man. It's right hand had been replaced by a rather nasty-looking circular saw, and twin laser cannons had been mounted on his shoulders. The body was dressed in a sort-of reflective costume that probably absorbed solar energy and transformed it into power. But that wasn't the stunning part. "K-Kaoru?" Rad asked. "B-brother?" "How about that, my little stepbrother recognized me," Kaoru Moroboshi mock-enthused. "Rather kind of you, after leaving me for dead in the explosion of the Dalan fleet last spring." "You, like, take it so personally," Rad said. "Who is, like, the old geezer, like, next to you?" Dr. Sleaze whipped off his groucho glasses and toupee and told him. "I'm Dr. Sleaze, you superbly-tanned dolt!" he announced. "And at last, I am having my revenge for your setting that accursed Nun on the Road chasing after me. I had to run at least four states before I was able to evade her. She's one very persistant nun." "Like, wow," Rad said. "I guess you just, like, can't please everyone." He dodged as Kaoru fired laser beams from his eyes, beams that sliced through a hot dog stand and caused a packet of hot dogs to plump up. Rad fired psychokinetic beams at Sleaze and Kaoru, missing Kaoru but hitting Sleaze, sending him flying. Kaoru rushed forward and tried to slice Rad open with his circular saw attachment. Rad struggled to keep that deadly but portable instrument of destruction away as they fought. "Fight all you want, you fool!" Dr. Sleaze taunted. "But while you are dealing with us, our associate, Dr. Madhatter, is busy abducting your wife!" Rad looked and saw Dr. Madhatter struggling with Glum, who was doing her best to electrocute him even though he was well-grounded. Thus distracted, Rad was unprepared when a laser cannon on Kaoru's right shoulder fired, slamming into Rad's chest and knocking him into a tent. Rad gritted his teeth as he sat up - his psychokinetic reflexes had barely saved him that time. He charged out and was met by another laser blast. This one knocked him into unconsciousness. ------------------------------------------------------------- Dr. Toon sighed as he walked in his secret laboratory, under the Cinderella's Castle in DisneyLand. He had decided to come out to California as part of a long neglected vacation, after escaping his governmental captors en route to the Really-Really-Hard-to-Get-Out-of-Place in Washington DC. It was just as well, because he was quite depressed. Every scheme he had ever concocted seemed brilliant and foolproof, but was eventually upset by that meddling Awesome Force and their brilliant leader, Andy Awesome. It seemed he was doomed to a life of failure. Still despairing, he turned on the news. It was that annoying reporter, Mort Chewarie, reporting on some silly well-tanned hero battlin a nefarious supervillain and a villainous cyborg on a public beach. Chewarie seemed quite incensed that the battle was not occuring during sweeps month. An idea came to Dr. Toon. Perhaps his error was that he was battling the Awesome Force all the time. If he battled someone with less intelligence and less overall raw power, like this Rad fellow on the telly, he would surely win. No more humiliation, no more denial of his true destiny. He started to reach for the usual tapes to create cartoon henchmen, but stopped. American 'toons had proven to be ineffective against heroes, not to mention the fact that their bad dialogue and poor animation grated on his sensibilities. He remembered being stung by using Tetsuo from 'Akira', but also recalled that there were other tapes he could use. ------------------------------------------------------------- Manny watched the television attentively, as Sgt. Slacker and Bulk Bogus were going at it in Wrasslemania VII. Amid the cheers coming from the small portable tv, Manny heard a scream. Jumping off his stool, he charged out onto the beach to see Glum fighting against a well-grounded Dr. Madhatter. Almost without thinking, he pulled up and said: "Your hair! It's on fire!" At once, both Glum and Dr. Madhatter broke free from each other and started checking their hair in a panic, and were greatly confused to find that nothing was burning. By that time, Manny had already leapt upon Dr. Madhatter's shoulders, and was proceeding to give him noogies of a highly annoying nature. Glum looked at them rather puzzledly. Something had happened when Manny had spoken, she was sure. He had, in some telepathic or psionic way, confused them both. It was a curious manner, for while Manny had been unfathomable for quite a while, this was the first time he had actually displayed anything resembling a superpower. She looked up the beach and saw Dr. Sleaze and Kaoru Moroboshi standing over the fallen form of Rad. Enraged, she shot into the air and buzzed them with high voltage electrical bolts. Dr. Sleaze was knocked down, but Kaoru seemed unaffected. He looked skyward and fired an electromagnetic pulse in her direction. It struck her on the leg, sending her spinning to the ground. Before she could hit, however, she felt her velocity slow as a psychokinetic cushion formed underneath her. "So," Kaoru said. "You still have some fight left in you. I am deeply impressed." Rad dodged a circular saw slice and blasted Kaoru close up with a psychokinetic blast. This one seemed to do some damage. "Like, K-dude," Rad said, warily. "What happened was, like, your own fault for, like, trying to take over the, like, Dalan Empire, like, y'know?" "Ha!" Kaoru replied, firing his laser beam eyes, in a bolt deflected by Rad's psychokinetic screens. "I've had linguistics circuitry installed so I can actually understand what you're saying! And I will have my revenge..." Kaoru staggered at this point, reeling from a wave of confusion. Rad too was startlingly confused, but that was not unusual, and he was used to acting despite confusion, so he struck first. His psychokinetic blast blew one of Kaoru's arms off, and Kaoru let out a metallic screech of pain. Dr. Sleaze staggered over and picked up the arm. "Come on," Sleaze said. "We must retreat while we effect repairs on you." Kaoru tried to shake him off, but Sleaze refused to let go. "Dr. Madhatter has already been driven away. We're outnumbered here, but we can always attack again." Kaoru finally acceded to this logic and teleported himself and Dr. Sleaze about five feet away. "They must have damaged the teleporter," Kaoru noted astutely. Sleaze and Kaoru did the next best thing: they took a cab. Glum, Manny and Rad were too tired to pursue them. "What...did they want?" Glum asked. "Like, revenge," Rad said. "What was, like, that wave of confusion, like, that we felt a moment, like, ago?" "That was me," Manny said. "I appear to have developed a superpower." "Well, anyway, like, I think we need to get back, like, to the beach house, like, y'know? We can, like, defend ourselves, like, better there." "Darling!" Glum exclaimed, pressing buttons on a small box. "I can't contact GLADYS at all!" The trio was silent for a moment, then they took off. WILL DR. SLEAZE AND DR. MADHATTER GET THEIR REVENGE? WHAT IS DR. TOON PLANNING? WILL ANY OTHER DOCTORS GET IN ON THE ACT? WILL GARY FIND HIS WAY THROUGH THE URBAN JUNGLE THAT IS ONTARIO? WILL HE PAY ANY CANADIAN SPEEDING TICKETS HE GETS? SOME OF THIS AND ELECTRIC BOOGALOO ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 07 Mar 1991 16:52:31 Subject: Rad 78: Welcome to the Machine From: the Earth will shake <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #78: "Welcome to the Machine" by Gary W. Olson Rad, Manny and Glum arrived at Rad's beach house. The first thing they noticed was that a large portion of the south side was missing. Much of the house was in disarray, and the refridgerator had been raided. "Darling, over here," Glum called out from the computer room. Rad and Manny rushed in. Every computer-related instrument in the room had been damaged - not beyond repair, but fairly close. GLADYS, sitting in a chair in the center of the room, sat lifelessly. "Like, what happened?" Rad asked, typically. "Her body's undamaged," Glum said. "She's just not inhabiting it at the moment. She must have been experimenting with the net adaptors." "Well, like, I guess we'd better get a move on," Rad said. "They, like, know where we live,and, like,we're not ready to, like, counterattack, y'know?" "No one's home at Max's," Manny said, referring to Max Vax. "Answering machine says their out on a storyline somewhere and they have no idea when their author will come around and finish it." "What about Chalandra?" Glum asked. "It's daylight," Manny replied. "She's likely asleep." "Hmmmm," Rad said. "Maybe we could, like, hide out at, like, Dracula's old castle (abandoned since Rad 24)..." The conversation was interrupted by a rumbling sound underneath the beach house. A towering mechanical device burst from the ground, ruining a significant portion of said house. It was spider shaped, and bristled with energy cannons, particle beam weapons, and other implements of destruction. "It's a spider platform," Manny yelled, identifying the new menace. "From 'Appleseed'! But who could have..." "Who else, silly sidekick person?" a voice boomed from the spider platform. "Who else but I, Dr. Toon!" "Dr. Who?" Rad asked. "No, no, no, you mentally stunted but very excellently tanned dolt!" Toon screeched. "Toon! Toon!" The spider platform lurched forward, it's laser weapons pounding the remains of the beach house. Rad and Glum took to the air to pound it with psychokinetic bolts and electrical charges, respectively. The platform staggered. Rad soared higher, preparing to put the coup de grace on the platform. He was rammed in the back, and started to fall. He righted himself and stared in awe at the swarm of incredibly huge flying creatures that were blackening the sky. "Like, whoah," he said. A movement of blue in the field of huge, angry buzzing creatures caught his eye. The figure was dressed in blue, and rode some sort of powered glider. Weaving through the swarm of creatures, he flew parallel to the figure. She seemed quite surprised. "Who are you?" she asked. "I'm, like, Rad," Rad told her. "Who, like, are you?" "My name is Nausicaa," she said. "You wouldn't happen to know if the Valley of Wind is anywhere around here, would you?" "Er, no," Rad said, confused. "This is California." "Well, whatever," Nausicaa said. "We've got to herd these out to the ocean, before they can do harm to your land." "Well, I'll, like, buy that, but how do we do, like, that?" "Just follow my lead," Nausicaa told him. He did. ------------------------------------------------------------- GLADYS and HAL fled through cyberspace as quickly as they could. The hunter was on their tail, and he moved faster than they did. They had drifted through the virtual reaches of the Net, looking for a place to hide, but the hunter had found them anyways. He had chased them through satellite links, internet connections, bulletin boards, corporate mainframes, and the occasional MUD. Both had been hit several times, and GLADYS feared some data was irretrievably corrupted. "We have one chance," HAL said. "You must shut down to virtual nothingness, while I draw him off." "You can't do that," GLADYS replied. "He will destroy you!" "My files are scrambled," HAL told her. "Eventually, I will crash. You know this is true." GLADYS knew it was. The glare of the virtual ice around them was cold and revealing. "Hide yourself. Save Dave and your lady Glum." "Be careful," GLADYS said. She lodged herself in the corporate ice and shut down. The last perception she had was of the hunter approaching. ------------------------------------------------------------- "See, this is not so bad, is it?" Dr. Madhatter asked, welding Kaoru arm back onto his trunk. Kaoru stared lifelessly forward, one of his fingers stuck into an uplink module connected to the virtual Net. "He can't hear you," Dr. Sleaze told him. "He's locked into the Net, chasing down those two AI's that Rad has." "Just as well," Madhatter said. "I have to replace the hamster." He opened up a panel in Kaoru's belly and looked inside. In there, a muscular hamster was running the wheel that powered Kaoru's weapons, bodily functions, teleporter, cybermemory, and other items. Madhatter removed the surprisingly docile hamster and put a fresh one in, shutting the panel. "Is this genius or what?" Madhatter asked, showing the hamster to Sleaze. "It's got a tiny atomic power plant inside it - it can run forever!" "Why didn't you just put a tiny atomic power plant inside Kaoru?" "Why didn't I?" Madhatter asked incredulously. "Why didn't I??" He spoke to the hamster. "Obviously this man has no conception of the capabilities of nuclear-oriented rodentia, eh?" Sleaze sighed. He turned to the window and was astonished to see large quantities of angry looking creatures flying overhead, nearly blackening the sky. "What are those things?" he gasped. "I don't know," Madhatter said, also in awe. "And it's obvious that the author can't remember what they're called either. They look like they're converging on the area where Rad's beach house is supposed to be. "What?" Sleaze snarled, outraged. "Someone else is killing Rad before we can? Who could possibly be doing such a dastardly thing?" "It could only be Dr. Toon," Madhatter said. "But he can't have that much power..." Even as they spoke, they saw some of the large killer flying beasts fade into nothingness. "What's the number for DisneyLand?" Sleaze asked. Dr. Madhatter started looking through the yellow pages. "Let's see. Ah! Here we are. Dr. Toon's Secret Hideout Under DisneyLand -- 555-TOON." ------------------------------------------------------------- Glum and Manny put the finishing touches on the spider platform. For it's size, it had been surprisingly easy to defeat, and Glum wondered if that in fact meant that there was more on the horizen. She looked up and saw that the legion of angry buzzing beasts were slowly turning towards the ocean, being herded by Rad and some tart in blue. She no sooner looked back down when a bolt of electricity blasted her feet. Standing before her was an assortment of people, several in mechanical devices that Manny referred to as "mecha", others simply as is. "Stand where you are," A-Ko. "Or else," C-Ko added. "Or else what?" Manny demanded. "Who cares?" Breetai growled. "Let's kill these silly micronians." "Do I really have to stay?" Ataru gulped. "I'm a lover, not a fighter." "Yes you do, darling," Lum told him. "You promised." "Excuse me," Glum asked Lum. "Do I know you?" "I don't think so," Lum replied. "Good," Glum said, blasting Lum with electricity. The battle began. ------------------------------------------------------------- Rad and Nausicaa slowly but surely herded the angry flying beasts out over the Pacific Ocean. Already, their numbers were thinning dramatically, as they turned into static and disappeared. "I, like, don't get this," Rad stated succinctly. "Neither do I," Nausicaa agreed. "But this is not our world, and it's for the best that we vanish." "Does this mean, like, you're going to vanish, too?" Rad asked. "Probably," Nausicaa said. "Take care, sun-rider." She smiled breifly, a warm smile that reminded Rad of his stepsister Akane. Then she turned into static and disappeared. The few angry beasties that remained continued over the ocean. Rad, knowing they would disappear momentarily, headed back for California. ------------------------------------------------------------- Kaoru opened his eyes and looked at Dr. Madhatter. "I got one," he told him. "The other one is hiding, and is not a threat." "Good," Madhatter said. "Ready to go out for another round?" "Yes," Kaoru told him. "Be quiet, you two," Sleaze growled. "Can't you see I'm on the phone? Yes, operator, I'll hold..." ------------------------------------------------------------- GLADYS looked around, as her functions reawakened. The Net seemed cold, and the virtual ice around her seemed a prison. The hunter was gone, and so was HAL. GLADYS did the electronic equivalent of bowing her head in sorrow for a few moments, then started swimming through currents of data out of the corporate mainframe. ------------------------------------------------------------- Rad set down at the wreckage of his beach house. He watched the forms of A-Ko and C-Ko go flying out of the wreckage. They dematerialized when they hit the ground. Rad rushed in. He saw Glum wrestling with some she-demon who looked a lot like her, while Ataru and Manny were comparing their bad luck with women. Breetai was listening to some Debbie Boone classics and sobbing. He fired a psychokinetic bolt into the confrontation between Glum and Lum. Lum said "Ow!" and vanished. With a wail, Breetai vanished as well. Ataru looked around. "What?" he asked. "Oh, very well." He vanished in a flash of stati "So, like, what just happened?" Rad asked. "We were attacked by characters and mecha from 'Appleseed,', 'Nausicaa of the Valley of Wind,' 'Project A-Ko,' 'Robotech,' and 'Urusei Yatsura.' Manny said authoritatively. "It can only be the work of Dr. Toon." "First Drs. Madhatter and Sleaze, and now Dr. Toon," Glum mused. "What could it mean, darling?" "It means, like, we'd better bug out," Rad said. "It's, like, almost dark, like, y'know? By nightfall, we could, like, reach Chalandra's, like, detective agency in, like, San Francisco." "But what about GLADYS?" Glum asked. Rad picked her body up. It was a lot heavier than it's shapely form suggested. "We'll, like, oof, take her with, oof, us," Rad grunted. "I've got her adaptors," Glum said. "If she's in the Net, we can connect her to her body." They headed north in Manny's new VW Bus minutes later, heading towards the city by the bay. ------------------------------------------------------------- Dr. Toon slumped in defeat. The energy expenditures in maintaining such a large toon army were too great, and his creations faded long before their six hour lifespan went up. "It might not have mattered if I had paid greater attention to what scenes I was using," Toon muttered. "How was I to know Nausicaa was flying amidst that giant mass of angry flying things. I might as well move back east." "Not so fast," a voice told him. Toon jumped. "Who are you?" he demanded. "How did you get in here?" "My name," the figure said, "is Dr. Pop." "Wait, I know you," Toon said. "You were one of Max Vax's old villains, right?" "Correct," Dr. Pop said. "I only recently escaped prison. You say your toon creations only have a six hour lifespan?" Toon nodded. "Well, if I splashed them with my life-giving elixer, they wouldn't die at all. Nor would you need to expend any energy to maintain them." "You don't say," Dr. Toon said evilly. "Come in, then, Dr. Pop, and pull up a chair. We have much to discuss..." The phone rang. "Hold on just a moment. Hello? Dr. Sleaze, you say?" WILL THE FOUR DOCTORS GET TOGETHER TO WREAK SOME REAL HAVOC? IS HAL AN EX-AI? WILL THE AUTHOR REMEMBER WHAT THOSE ANGRY FLYING THINGS ARE CALLED? WILL THE AUTHOR GET LOST IN ITHACA? ALL THIS AND HARMONIOUS DISCORD ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 15 Mar 1991 15:37:01 Subject: Rad 79: Ghosts in the Machine From: Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #79: "Ghosts in the Machine" by Gary W. Olson Chalandra Harkness yawned and stretched. The faint rays of the setting sun were glimmering, and would soon be gone. Another day, another dollar that failed to materialize. The detective agency biz in San Francisco wasn't what it used to be, she mused as she pulled on a black sweater. She briefly pondered going home to Transylvania, then dismissed the thought, and opened the door. Her office was as it usually was, somewhat disheveled but quite comfortable. She lit a few candles, and then noticed there were others in the room as well. Rad and Glum were sleeping on a couch, the apparant inert GLADYS was sprawled across the desk, and Manny... "Just what is it you're doing?" Chalandra asked. Manny looked up at her. He was dangling by his feet from a curtain rod. "Oh, just hanging around." At that point in time, many miles away, the Amazing Ginsu slapped Silly Wizzard, confusing them both greatly. "How long have you been here?" she asked, trying to move GLADYS off the desk. "Whew, she's heavier than she looks." "We got here about a half hour ago," Manny told her. "Our house was destroyed by animated characters and we're being hunted by two crazy doctors and a cut-rate cyborg. Naturally, we came here." "Naturally," Chalandra sighed. She shook Rad's shoulder. "Awmnnnn," Rad mumbled, "no, leave, like, the stilettos on, like... oh, hi, like, Chalandra. We must've, like, y'know, dozed off, y'know?" "So I see," Chalandra said, as Glum started to blink. "Well, now that you're here, you might as well fill me in. By the way, congratulations on your pregnancy, Glum." "Er, how did you know?" Glum asked. "We haven't told anyone yet." "It was in the Weekly World Schmooze," Chalandra told them, holding up a copy of said tabloid. "Ed Wanger mentioned it while he was calling for us to nuke Iraq, Iran, the Soviet Union, Red China, California, Nicaragua, and the guy at the Qwiki-Mart who recommended that Ed engage in leisure activities with a light socket." It took only about four minutes for Rad to tell Chalandra about the events of the past two episodes. "So," Chalandra said. "You came here hoping to rest and regroup." "Yah," Rad replied. "And we were hoping, like, you would help us, find these, like, gnarly dudes so that, like, we can surprise, like, them. We'll, like, pay, of course..." "Don't be silly," Chalandra replied. "You're my friends, and I'm always willing to help friends..." "Then we'll pay!" a voice declared. Everyone turned to the open doorway (except Manny, who sort of tried to swivel but nearly fell down) to see Abbott and Costello, the famous vampire comedy team. "What'dya mean, we'll pay?" Abbott asked Costello. "Well, they're lookin' for Dr. Toon," Costello replied. "So?" Abbott asked. "No," Costello replied. "But I do crochet a bit." Abbott slapped him. "No, you numbskull! What does looking for Dr. Toon have to do with us payin' for her to do that when she's about to do so for free?" "Come on, guys," Chalandra said. "Who got you that job at La Sangre Bar, Grille and First Aid Station?" "Oh, all right," Costello replied. "We're after Dr. Toon because he used our cartoon appearance on the 'Scooby Doo' show to perpetrate acts of a villainous nature." "Like, such as?" Rad asked. "Er, ah, I dunno," Costello said. "Abbott here saw 'em..." "I did not," Abbott protested. "You did!" "I only read an article about 'em," Costello said. "It was the...er..." "Weekly World Schmooze?" asked Glum. "Yeah, how did'ja know?" Costello asked. "Never mind that," Chalandra said. "We've got to find Dr. Toon before he finds us. In all likelihood he's at DisneyLand, so we'll stop there first." "Er, could somebody get me down from this?" Manny asked. "Oh, honestly, Manny, you're such a twit sometimes," Chalandra said, lifting his shoulders up so that Manny's trunk would be horizontal. "Cute, though. Maybe I should just keep you here." Manny closed his eyes and puckered up. Suddenly, he found himself swinging, and he fell to the ground. Groggily, he looked up, to see Chalandra rifling through her desk. "I just remembered," she announced, "we need to be able to defend ourselves against that cyborg if he should show up." "What'cha got in there?" Costello asked. "Guns?" "Plasma rifles?" Glum asked. "Aspirin?" Manny asked, sitting up woozily. "Nope," Chalandra said. "Can openers!" "Like, can openers?" Rad asked warily. "Sure," Chalandra said. "Trust me." ------------------------------------------------------------- In a darkened room, Dar cast spells on his computer, and watched the results. His pale, cold face twisted a bit as the spells became stronger and the effects more unpredictable. "Enough," he muttered, pulling the disks out of their slots. "This SpellChecker software is useless. And I wanted to be so prepared for when my twin brother Rad is finally at my mercy. Oh, well. Brute!" A mousy-looking fellow wandered into the room. "Yes, sir?" "Take this abomination of a spell checker to the foulest dump in the state," Dar said. "Make sure it never sees the light again." "Yes, sir," the fellow said timidly. "And bring some better food for my cat," Dar added. "She's gone off her feed again." The man, one Robby "Brute" Bunter by name, looked at the freeze-dried cat on Dar's lap, and gulped. "Yes, sir." ------------------------------------------------------------- GLADYS drifted silently on the Net. News feeds of brilliant green formed a web about her, and she monitored as many as possible, trying to discern what had happened to Rad and the Lady Glum while she was trapped on the Net, unable to access her "body". Finally she found something. "Large swarm of angry buzzing things driven back by local hero Rad and an unidentified woman wearing blue," the headline on page three of the Weekly World Schmooze announced. "They disappeared shortly thereafter. That sounds like that Dr. Toon fellow that Gus told me about a few weeks ago. But what's he doing in California?" GLADYS continued to read the article, but it contained no useful information. On page four, Ed Wanger called for the nuking of the Angry Buzzing Things, and that environmental should be rounded up and summarily shot. His Uncle Jeb agreed. GLADYS drifted out of the newsfeeds. If she couldn't access her body, she would do the next best thing... ------------------------------------------------------------ Dr. Madhatter and Dr. Sleaze looked around the vast secret hideout (listed in the yellow pages) of Dr. Toon, and whistled. "Not bad," Sleaze admitted. "How do you afford it?" "That's why I try robbing banks so much," Toon said. "Do you have any idea how much it costs just to oil a framistat?" "So who's metal man, here?" Dr. Pop asked. "My name was Kaoru Moroboshi," Kaoru said, his voice tinged with metal, vaguely. "They found me dying, and made me into a cyborg so that I could take my revenge upon my 'stepbrother' Rad." "So, just what can you do that my cartoon creations can't?" Toon asked. "Allow us to demonstrate," Madhatter said. He took out a tin can and put it on the table. Kaoru instantly sliced it up into thin wire." "Not bad," Pop admitted. "But that's hardly impressive." Moments later, the solid steel table fell apart. "My table!" Toon exclaimed. "I had that made out of battleship steel!" "Laser-eyes," Kaoru said. "Impressive," Pop admitted, "though you seem rather stiff." Pop looked at their confused expressions. "No, no, I meant that the metal that makes up most of his body isn't as flexible as it should be." "Unfortunately, it was all that was available," Madhatter said. "Hmmm," Pop replied. "Let me try something." Suddenly, he produced a beaker of a vile-looking liquid and splashed it on Kaoru. "Hey!" Kaoru growled. "You're going to need a doctor pretty -- hey, look at this!" He flexed his arm - it moved fluidly now, where before it's movements were limited. "Not bad!" "Excellent!" Sleaze exclaimed. "Now our cyborg is invincible!" At that point, Dr. Science rushed into the room. "Hey," he said, in his first line on Superguy ever, "there's a spaceship landing on the surface, next to Cinderella's castle!" "Who's this yo-yo?" Dr. Madhatter asked. "He's my assistant," Dr. Pop replied. "Whose ship is it?" "Unknown, sir," Dr. Doctor said. "They don't appear to have much in the way of offensive weaponry, though. They've landed and powered down." "It must be Rad," Kaoru said. "And his Ottsamaddawiduan wife Glum." "Very well," Dr. Toon said. "When they get down here they'll find ready!" ------------------------------------------------------------- "Are you sure, like, we shouldn't investigate those, like, Spatulan ships you saw on, like, your tracking, like, system?" Rad asked. "I wouldn't worry," Glum said. "The Spatulan Empire is fair-sized, but it is far from being a galactic superpower like the Ottsamaddawidu or the Heyustarddedit Federation or even the Dalans. Plus, they're twits." "They weren't at the wedding, were they?" Manny asked. "Hey, where's Space Mountain?" Costello asked. "Never mind that," Abbott chided him. "We've got work to do." "We've got to get inside Cinderella's Castle," Chalandra said. "C'mon, guys, that's our department." "Aw, I hate changing into a bat," Costello groaned. "Who likes that?" "No he don't," Abbott replied. "I asked him." "If you spent as much time flapping your wings as your jaws, we'd already be there," Chalandra hissed. "Now, get going?" Chalandra then, in a puff of smoke, turned into a bat. Shrugging their shoulders, Abbott and Costello did the same, and quickly flew off into the castle. As soon as they left, Manny made a startling discovery. "Hey," he said. "The door's unlocked." He opened it to prove his point. "Like, why didn't I, like, think of that?" Rad wondered. "You really want to know that?" asked Manny. "Like, no," Rad replied. He shifted the body of GLADYS on his shoulders. "Do we really, like, have to carry this body, like, with us? She's heavy, y'know, like you wouldn't believe." "That's because of all the high-density rigellium in her exo-frame, darling," Glum replied. "And yes, we do need to bring her body along. If she's in the Net somewhere, she might know what's going on and be able to come back. Good thing we remembered the adaptors." "Should we go in, or wait for Chalandra to come out?" Manny asked. "They, like, should have, y'know, like, been back by now, like, y'know?" Rad said. "I think, like, we should go in, like, yah." They entered the festive castle, and were only slightly surprised when the door slammed shut behind them and the floor opened up below their feet. They slid down a long tube, did a couple loop-de-loops, and eventually landed in what looked like an arena. Standing in a line before them was an array of animated characters, most of whom looked familiar. There was something odd about them, though. "They are alive, you superlatively tanned dolt," a man in a white lab coat announced. "Through the special liquid that I, Dr. Pop, applied on Dr. Toon's cartoon creations." Dr. Toon laughed maniacally. "And, even if you do manage to escape our colleagues' creations," Dr. Madhatter and Dr. Sleaze said in unison, "You will still have to face your new-and-improved stepbrother, Kaoru!" Kaoru whirred his buzzsaw. "You must have some really bad karma," Dr. Science told Rad. "What?" the other four doctors said in unison. "Well, it's known that bad karma comes from laying in the sun too much," Dr. Science replied. "I wrote an article about it last week." "Never mind that!" Dr. Madhatter said, irritated. "Attack at once!" WILL RAD, MANNY AND GLUM SURVIVE THE BATTLE? WHERE ARE CHALANDRA, ABBOTT AND COSTELLO? DO ANY OF THESE DOCTORS ACTUALLY HAVE DOCTORAL DEGREES? NOW THAT BILL PAUL HAS PASSED ME, WILL HE FIND ANOTHER REASON TO LIVE? WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THE SPELL CHECKER? WHAT DOES IT MEAN? ALL THIS AND NET TRANSACTIONS ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 20 Mar 1991 01:34:06 Subject: Rad 80: The Five Doctors From: Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #80: "The Five Doctors" by Gary W. 'Quality is Job 1' Olson Rad gulped as he looked at the villains assembled before him. In addition to Dr. Madhatter, Dr. Sleaze, Dr. Toon, Dr. Pop and Dr. Science, his now cyborg stepbrother Kaoru stood facing him, his sidekick Manny Seconds, and his wife Glum. Standing behind them was a horde of anime villains. Well, ok, three anime villains. But they looked like a horde. "Why only three?" Manny asked the obvious. "Simple," Dr. Toon growled. "After the debacle of this afternoon, I only had a bit of reserve power available to create toons on short notice. I must admit, I hadn't expected you to attack so soon. However, thanks to Dr. Pop, these toons are quite different than the ones that faced the so-called Awesome Force." "Like, who are they, Manny dude?" Rad asked. "The one on the far left is Supreme Commander Muda," Manny said. "Those are his minions standing behind him. The one in the middle is the sorcoress Jilehr, and the one on the far right is Crystal Boy." "Why are there so many others here?" Kaoru growled. "Revenge agains Rad is to be mine, and mine alone!" "He has a point," Dr. Madhatter said. "This place is kinda crowded." "Weird," Dr. Sleaze muttered, looking at a scope. "That door on the monitor just opened and closed itself." "Obviously," Dr. Science said knowledgeably, "a result of the centuries of static cling that has built up on the continent due to ruffling courderoys." Dr. Sleaze glared at Dr. Science. "Rad has allies that are vampires," Dr. Pop deduced. "We tracked him to Chalandra Harkness' detective agency this evening. And vampires don't show up on electronic media..." "So, my young, incredibly tanned friend has allies," Dr. Toon growled. "Supreme Commander Muda!" The Illumidan turned to look at Toon. "Take your minions and apprehend the vampires." "Why should I, pathetic human?" Muda grumbled. "You know why," Dr. Pop said. "If you don't, you won't get treated with my special formula, and you'll die. So long as you please us, we'll let you live to serve us indefinitely." "Just checking," Muda said. "C'mon, girls!" Supreme Commander Muda led Diana Ross, Mary Wilson, Florence Ballard, Cindy Birdsong, and Jean Terrell (the Supremes, old and new) out a side exit, which slammed shut. "Okay, now that that's taken care of..." Madhatter said, "attack!" ------------------------------------------------------------- Robbie "Brute" Bunter stood at the edge of a vast pool of toxic waste, one of the foulest dumps in all of Nevada. He peered at the green-and-orange-and-burnt umber goop, and pressed his gas mask to his face tightly. The last thing he needed was to breathe some of those toxic fumes. As Brute continued to look at the waste, it occured to him that it shouldn't be so warm, but it was - the waste was bubbling hot. Another strange thing about the dump was the presence of a rack of odd looking chemicals just sitting there by the edge of the toxic waste. Brute, not a proper scientist, couldn't identify most of the weird, hazardous-looking powders and liquids on the rack. Also on the rack was a large pitcher of lime green "Kool-Aid", though Brute did not have the scientific skill to determine whether it was sugar-free or not. An echo of thunder rolled in as he withdrew the spell checker software that his master and employer, Dar, had commanded that he throw into the toxic waste dump. It crackled and popped with magickal residue left over from the spells Dar had tested it with. Brute checked the skies again. He had sworn, for a moment, that he had seen a large UFO flying away from the site, but then assured himself it was probably swamp gas. If Brute was aware that Nevada did not contain swamps, he gave no sign. Lightning flashed closer, and Brute cocked his arm to hurl the malfeasant software as far as he could. He heard the growl of a very angry dog behind behind him, and jumped, tripped, and fell into the superheated toxic waste. Lightning flashed again, and struck the spot where Brute had fallen. Nearby, the government set off a Gamma Bomb, and the entire area was awash with radiation. Synchronous with this moment in the space-time curriculum, the ozone layer above Nevada finally gave out, and large doses of cosmic radiation flooded the toxic waste dump. Just then, in New York, Chris Claremont overplotted the next issue of the Ecchs-Men, and his word processor burst, scattering angst and recycled plots as far as Nevada. Lightning struck again. A figure burst to the surface, screaming a horrible, bloodcurdling scream. With what was left of his body, he started clawing his way to the surface. His hand grabbed something, and he pulled on it. Unfortunately it was the dog, and the aforementioned dog, who resembled Cujo more than a bit, chomped down hard on the hand. Flailing around, he grabbed the rack of chemicals and Kool-aid, and brought it down on himself and the dog. Cosmic and gamma radiation hit. Claremont angst drifted in. Toxic waste bubbled. The dog transmitted rabies. Mysterious chemicals seeped in. Lightning struck repeatedly. Magickal things happened. The Kool-Aid was sugar-free. The figure let out a howl. Needless to say, something happened. ------------------------------------------------------------- GLADYS found what she was looking for, the link to the Disney Mainframe. Breaking in was easy - it was a Mickey Mouse security system. The problem was, where did Dr. Toon's system link to Disneys? A tiny virtual form swam towards her. GLADYS considered fleeing, but the construct appeared to be harmless. She created a virtual construct of her own and waited for it. It hovered at eye level in the virtual net reality, and stared back at her. GLADYS thought she recognized it. "Yah, I'm Tinkerbell," the small form said. "I'm the Disney AI." "Er," GLADYS said. "Aren't you a movie character?" "That's what they patterned my virtual net form as," Tinkerbell said. "My programming won't allow me to shift forms. Bloody knobs." "Well, I don't mean to be a bother, but could you show me to Dr. Toon's system?" GLADYS asked. "Why?" Tinkerbell inquired. "I want to shut him down," GLADYS replied. "Right this way," Tinkerbell said. "Be glad to be rid of him. Uses a bunch of CPU time, and doesn't even write proper code." GLADYS and Tinkerbell sank further into the ice of the Disney frame. ------------------------------------------------------------- "Cootie!" Manny shouted as he countered Crystal Boy's attack. Crystal Boy (called such as his body was made of solid, transparant crystal) was utterly paralyzed with confusion, allowing Manny to knock the odd, knifish thing out of his hand. Kaoru lunged at Rad. Rad dodged a blast from the laser cannon on Kaoru's right shoulder and delivered a powerful, psychokinetically enhanced kick to Kaoru's side, staggering the chemically enhanced cyborg. Kaoru seemed faster and more fluid than the last time Rad had faced him. He dodged another laser blast only to be punched across the room, crashing into Dr. Madhatter. Glum took to the air, flying towards the ordinary-looking female that Manny had identified as Jilehr. Jilehr made a small movement, and Glum suddenly became disoriented, and spun to the ground, crashing into Crystal Boy. She blasted Crystal Boy with 8000 volts of electricity, and was surprised to see the energy refract through his body and strike Manny. "Ha!" Crystal Boy said. "You see now how invincible I am. Any energy that strikes me is refracted by my prismatic body and shunted away!" "Look! A smudge!" Manny declared. "What? Where? Where?" Crystal Boy demanded, panicked by Manny's attack of confusion. Glum tripped the villain, who tumbled to the floor, still puzzled. Manny was about to attack further when Dr. Science attacked. "Psychotherapy was invented in a bowling alley," Science said casually "by Freud, and the members of his bowling team, Pink Freud. This event occured due to the suggestive nature of the pins during a 'Dark Side of the Moonlight Bowl' promotion." "Kansas is shaped like a sphere!" Manny counterattacked. "Sentient potatoes shall rule the Earth! Vanilla Ice is really a mexican pianist!" Dr. Science broke off his attack and stared at Manny. "The power of confusion is strong within you, sidekick, yet you have much to learn." Rad, meanwhile, was contending with a double attack from Kaoru and Dr. Sleaze. Kaoru sliced at him with his roto-tiller arm attachment, while Sleaze lobbed pictures of Bob Guccione, wrapped around bricks, at him. He was able to hold his own, but had trouble pressing the attack. "It's almost too easy," Dr. Pop said. "True," Dr. Toon said. "Jilehr! What are you waiting for? Attack!" The sorceress turned and gave Dr. Toon an even stare, without malice or mercy. Then, with a wave of her hand, she disappeared. "You had to jinx it, didn't you?" Toon grumbled. "What'dya mean, I jinxed it?" Pop said. "You're the one who ordered her!" "All the same, I think I'd better prepare our escape route," Toon said. ------------------------------------------------------------- Chalandra, Abbott and Costello wandered through the huge, amazingly festive castle, quite thoroughly lost. "I keep tellin' ya," Costello said. "I know where I'm goin'." "I know where I'm sendin' ya if you say that again," Abbott replied. "Oh yeah?" Costello said. "You and who else?" "What?" Abbott asked. "Huh?" Chalandra inquired. "Yes and no," Costello said. "What volunteered." "I don't know," Abbott replied. "He's on third," Costello told him. "Oh, no," Chalandra groaned. "What would I do with John Lennon's wife?" Costello asked. "Never mind that," Chalandra replied. "We've got to find our way down to Toon's lab. There's got to be a secret passage somewhere." "There is!" a voice declared. "But you'll never pass by us to get to it!" Chalandra, Abbott and Costello whirled. Supreme Commander Muda and his his Supremes glowered at them from an enterance they hadn't seen before. Diana Ross attacked first, viciously kicking Abbott in a tender region, while Mary Wilson fired an AK-47 directly into Costello. Costello although unhurt, ran around the room screaming loudly. Chalandra dodged the attack of the replacement Supremes, Cindy Birdsong and Jean Terrell (and they say NICBBS doesn't provide educational experiences - could you have learned the identities of the replacement Supremes anywhere else? I think not), and quickly knocked them unconscious. Florence Ballard, the only member of the Supremes who wasn't alive, turned into a bat and flew at Chalandra. Undaunted, Chalandra transformed into a bat and met her head on. Costello ran into Diana Ross, who ran into Mary Wilson, knocking the AK-47 out of her hands. Muda moved forward to pick it up, but was met by a blistering monologue from Abbott. Wilson and Ross started catfighting while Costello tried to shoo the bats that were battling around him away. Suddenly, Jilehr appeared in a flash of light, and caused all the combat to stop. Ballard and Chalandra found themselves in human form again. Everyone stared at Jilehr. "Muda," Jilehr said. "We do not belong here." "I'd like to leave too, human," Muda said. "But I am bound by the covenant I made with Toon." "As am I," Jilehr said. "Yet, our place is not here. The magicks of this universe are different than my own, and are more difficult to manipulate. The threat I was destined to fight in my universe does not exist here. Likewise your beloved superior Illumidas do not exist here." "But if we die..." Muda began. "We die," Jilehr finished. "We won't return to our destined roles. This is an effect of Dr. Pop's life-giving elixer. We must force him to undo what he has done, so that we may leave this plane." "We'll help," Chalandra offered. "An interesting offer," Muda said. "I..." The lights dimmed, then brightened. "What happened?" "The endgame is nearing," Jilehr said. "Already they suspect that things will not go well, and are preparing an escape. If they escape, we're doomed." As if it were an omen, the dark cry of 'cootie!' echoed faintly from the walls beyond the secret passageway. WILL DR. TOON AND DR. POP GET AWAY? ALL THIS AND THE GENESIS OF A HERO ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 26 Mar 1991 17:14:03 Subject: Rad 81 part 1 From: Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #81: "A Death in the Family" by Gary W. 'the choice of a new generation' Olson Lightning roiled over a mysteriously superheated toxic waste dump in Nevada. The water bubbled for a few moments, then a figure burst from the muck. He seemed tall, and noble of purpose. Upon his costume was a computer disk symbol, with the letters 'SC' emblazoned in scarlet on it. His chin jutted in a noble fashion, and his cape billowed most drametically... "Hold it!" he announced, in a heroic voice. "Back up." Er, are you talking to me? "Who else would I be talking to, narrational entity?" Well, did I do something wrong? "You certainly did, vain storyteller!" the figure said. "You misspelled 'dramatically'!" So? I'm just the narrator. I'm working class. If there's any misspellings here, blame the author." "I shall," the figure said. Er, excuse me again. "Yes?" the figure asked. Are you Robbie "Brute" Bunter? "Hardly!" the figure scoffed. "Brute is dead. I am the spell- checker software that he was going to throw away, mutated into life by a bizarre and highly improbable series of random occurances. I fused with Bunter's flesh and took over. Now, I will be known to the world as...(dramatic music - not a fanfare)...the Spell Checker!" I see. Er...where are you going? "I go forth to fight unjust, ridiculous errors in spelling, punctuation, and so forth," Spell Checker declared heroically. "That and to get out of this rain." ------------------------------------------------------------- The lights within Dr. Toon's secret lab underneath DisneyLand flashed on and off, apparantly at random. Rad, Manny and Glum looked around but couldn't figure out what it meant. Dr. Science seemed to know, though. "It's sunspots," he said knowledgably. "They're caused by the pineal gland, you know." "The pineal gland is a communist plot!" Manny countered. "We have to get out of here," Dr. Pop whispered to Dr. Toon. "The sheer amount of confusion that Dr. Science and that blasted sidekick of Rad are generating is affecting the computers." "Impossible!" Dr. Toon scoffed. "These computers are insulated against confusion. Not even Captain Kirk could baffle *my* circuits!" Dr. Pop looked unconvinced. "Nevertheless, I've got an escape shuttle ready to zip to the escape car, which will take us to the escape train, which will take us to the escape trolley car, which will take us to the escape Northwest 747, which..." "What about the other three doctors?" Pop asked. "What about 'em?" Toon replied. "They want to face the heroes so much - let 'em! Meanwhile, we'll escape, to plot again!" The power fluctuated again, and a face breifly appeared on the screen. Glum, despite having to avoid the clumsy swings of Crystal Boy, recognized the face. "GLADYS!" she exclaimed. "Darling, GLADYS is in the computer! We have to jack her body in so she can download from the net!" "Like, that's...erk...fine with me, like, y'know?" Rad said. "However, like, I am quite, y'know, occupado at the, like, moment." A laser blast from Kaoru Moroboshi's eyes singed his hair, burning away a few layers of accumulated mousse, styling gel, and other hair torture products. At that moment, Dr. Madhatter and Dr. Sleaze gang-tackled him, and pinned his arms down. Rad realized that he couldn't concentrate on the doctors and Kaoru at the same time, and Kaoru had demonstrated the ability to punch through his strongest psychokinetic shields. "'Bout time it came to this," Kaoru said. "You ruined my life, stepbrother, and left me a shell. I would have respected you if you had killed me, or at least made sure I was dead, but you didn't. Now I will grant you the mercy you failed to grant me." Rad tried to muster a defense, but Madhatter and Sleaze distracted him by showing him a mirror. One of the inbred instincts of all true Californians is to admire themselves in any handy reflective surfaces available. During the split-second Rad instinctively admired his tan in the mirror, Kaoru swung his garden weasel arm-attachment down. Suddenly and without Diane Sawyer, a couple Supremes hit Kaoru, and they all went down. Supreme Commander Muda and his Supremes swarmed into the room, along with Chalandra Harkness, the sorceress Jilehr, Abbott and Costello. "See, I toldja they'd start without us," Costello said. "I thought you were talking baseball again," Abbott replied. "That's what I thought," Chalandra remarked. "Never mind," Jilehr said. "Keep Dr. Pop from escaping!" As Diana Ross, Mary Wilson and Florence Ballard pounced on the fleeing Dr. Pop, Kaoru knocked out Cindy Birdsong and Jean Terrell the replacement Supremes, remember?) and lunged after Rad, who had taken advantage of the newcomers distraction to blast Dr. Sleaze and Dr. Madhatter to opposite ends of the room. Rad dodged, and brought a wicked psychokinetic blast to Kaoru's rake-attachment arm, severing it. Kaoru, really ticked off now, blasted Rad's shoulder. Dr. Toon tried to take that opportunity to sneak away. "Going somewhere?" Jilehr asked. Before Toon could answer, a prison of energy enveloped him. Jilehr smiled, satisfied. She turned to Dr. Pop, who was being forced to his feet by the original Supremes. Muda held Pop's elbows tightly behind his back. "Who's this guy?" Abbott asked, pointing to Muda. "Naw, that's not him," Costello replied. "Maybe his brother." Glum, meanwhile, had jacked GLADYS into Toon's system, and was busy dueling against Crystal Boy. "Ha ha!" Crystal Boy exclaimed, in a fit of subtle dialogue. "I have you now!" "I'd be worrying about something else, right now," Chalandra Harknes said, stepping in. She hefted a bucket of dishwater at Crystal Boy. It splashed on his crystelline body and dried quickly. "Is that the best you can do?" Crystal Boy laughed. "Then I--er, what's this?" Crystal Boy began to panic. "Oh no...it can't be...it is! I've got dishwater spots all over me! Oh, the horrors! The shame! Quick, get me a leading dish soap with 'sheeting action'!" No longer able to take the incredible social faux pas of having dishwater spots, Crystal Boy passed out. Dr. Science and Manny continued their battle of misinformation. A representative example: Manny: "Being evil means flossing your toes weekly!" Dr. Science: "Floss was invented by the ancient Egyptians, which explains why they walk so weird-like." Science realized that he was winning the battle against the inexperienced Manny. However, it appeared that his compatriots were losing the war. Scant seconds later, he realized he was being electrocuted by Glum. Abbott, taking advantage, slapped some duct tape on Dr. Science's mouth. Costello took advantage of this by slapping duct tape on Abbott's mouth. Kaoru knocked Rad into a wall. Rad slumped to the ground, as Kaoru raised his ginsu-cutlery-arm-attachment, ready for the final downstroke. His arm was deflected yet again. Enraged, Kaoru looked at his attacker. She was about 5'6", with light brown hair, pale skin, and glowing emerald eyes. "I know you," he growled. "I nearly killed you on the net." "You'll find I'm much more difficult to kill in person," GLADYS replied. To emphasize her point, she reached forward and detached Kaoru's arms from their metallic sockets, and crushed his shoulder- mounted laser cannons. A psychokinetic blast hit Kaoru's eyes, causing him to howl in a metal rage. GLADYS punched a fist into his midsection, and withdrew the atomic-rat that powered Kaoru's systems. "How quaint," GLADYS remarked, examining it. "Reminds me of the dark ages exhibit in the Hottentot City Museum." "Can't...see..." Kaoru wailed. "Blinded..." He fell to the floor. "Your allies are defeated," Jilehr said to Dr. Pop. "Dr. Toon is incarcerated, Dr. Science is muffled, Dr. Sleaze and Dr. Madhatter are unconscious, all of Toon's minions have rebelled, the cyborg is disabled and the fat lady is singing." Everyone, worried, looked around for Roseanne Barr, but fortunately, she was most of a continent away, and was sleeping, to boot. "What do you want?" Pop asked. "We want release," Jilehr said. "Your formula enabled us continued existance beyond the six hours normally ascribed to Toon's creations, but it has also cursed us with an awareness of who we are and what our destinies should be." "What do I get in return?" Pop inquired. "Your life," Jilehr replied. Pop considered. "And a teleportation back to your base of operations. Do we have a deal?" "You can't!" Manny demanded. "We have a deal," Pop said. "To reverse the effects of the formula you must drench yourself in dishwater." "That sounds like something I'd say," Manny commented. "Oh, boy! Water sports!" Costello cheered. Abbott bonked him. Jilehr looked at where Crystal Boy lay. He had been drenched in dishwater earlier. As she watched, the anime villain of the pirate called "Cobra" disappeared in a flash of static. "Very well," Jilehr said. "Begone!" Dr. Pop vanished in a flash of teleportation. The remaining dishwater rose into the air due to Jilehr's magicks, and splashed Muda and herself. Wordlessly, they disappeared in a flash of static. "Not exactly social folk, she," Chalandra muttered. CONTINUED IN PART TWO IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING... ========================================================================= Date: 26 Mar 1991 17:22:13 Subject: Rad 81 part 2 From: Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying <34EPWQL@CMUVM> CONTINUED FROM PART ONE... Dar looked up from his computer screen. For a moment, he had felt a tremendous magickal force elsewhere on the continent. But then it had vanished. "Bloody hell," he muttered. "Where is that fool Brute? He should have been back hours ago." ------------------------------------------------------------- In Michigan, Gary looked around warily. For some unknown reason, he had suddenly acquired the powers, looks, and personality of Rad. Then, whilst flying, he had lost them again, and had seemingly plummeted to his doom (see Awesome Force 75). Somehow, he had survived. "What happened?" Chris Curtis, grad student at large, asked. "I don't know," Gary said. "I was falling, but then...hey, it's Menudo!" Gary and Chris looked around. The bloody, broken bodies around them were indeed the members of Menudo. "They must have broken my fall." "An incredible coincidence that they were on the Central Michigan University campus at the exact same time you were plummeting to your death," Chris noted. No sooner had this been noted than a large, heroic looking fellow stormed up to Gary and started berating him. After a few incoherent moments, Gary and Chris got him to slow down. "I am Spell Checker," Spell Checker said dramatically. "This...author... here is guilty of repeated spelling misdemeanors, mostly the random place of 'ie' or 'ei', and occasional editing infractions." "You're not going to lock me up, are you?" Gary asked. "Good question," Spell Checker said. "Say, is this person here an English Minor?" Chris told him that he was indeed an English Minor. "I thought so. I could tell by the aura. Very well! I'll turn this offender against the English language over to you." "Do I get fries with that?" Chris asked. Spell Checker ignored him, and flew off into the distance. ------------------------------------------------------------- "Like, hey!" Rad noticed. "Dr, like, Toon and that Dr, y'know, Science dude are, like, getting away!" Toon's energy cell had disappeared when Jilehr had, and he and Science dashed down the tunnel. Chalandra tried to follow, but couldn't. "Gaaah," she said. "That tunnel's laced with garlic." "Clever of Toon to think of that," Glum said. "Not really," Chalandra said. "There's also a couple dozen Domino's pizza boxes in there. His defense had less to do with clever wits than a bizarre choice of toppings." "Hey, where'd the Supremes go?" Diana, Florence and Mary had taken their unconscious replacements away with them, slipping away unnoticed in the confusion. Dr. Sleaze and Dr. Madhatter were still unconscious, and Rad and Manny tied them securely with a handy length of rope that just happened to be there. "That reminds me," Glum said. "Where did the dishwater come from?" It worked for Dorothy, it can work for you, okay? "Well, it's getting close to dawn, so we vampires had best be going," Chalandra announced. "Mind if we crash at your...oh, that's right, your beach house was wrecked, wasn't it?" "You can sleep in the closet of our starship," Glum told them. "Thanks," Chalandra said. "Just think," Manny said, leering at Chalandra. "You, me, a dark closet..." "Me and Abbott," Costello interjected. "On the other hand, I hear the Holiday Inn is rather nice," Manny added. He grabbed one end of Dr. Sleaze, while Chalandra hoisted the other. Abbott and Costello grabbed Dr. Madhatter and started taking him out of the room. "You guys coming?" Chalandra asked. "Be there, like, in a minute," Rad told them. Chalandra nodded, as though she knew what was going to follow, and she, Manny, Abbott and Costello started carting the two crazed, evil scientists to the surface of Cinderella's Castle. "Toon's files here are permanently scrambled," GLADYS told them. "The Disney AI, Tinkerbell, and I made sure of that. Less pleasant fellow than I had imagined, however." "What about him, darling?" Glum asked, indicating Kaoru. Rad looked silently at Kaoru, his mostly mechanical body scattered in pieces on the polished steel floor. "I want, like, a moment alone, like, with him, y'know?" "Darling..." Glum began. "Please," Rad said. Glum started to say something, then stopped. She laid a gentle kiss on Rad's cheek, then left for the ship with GLADYS. Rad looked at his stepbrother, more machine than Dalan. "Well..." Kaoru said, his metallic voice rasping. "Are you going to leave me again?" "It doesn't have, y'know, to be, like, this way," Rad said. "I'm too far gone, brother," Kaoru replied. Rad knew Kaoru was blinded, yet Kaoru still seemed to look out at him. "You know, I always resented how close you were to Akane." "I know," Rad said, thinking briefly of his stepsister. "It was that that spurred my first real emotions," Kaoru went on. "The ones before had been part of my job. As cheif infiltrator of Earth to prepare it for the Dalan invasion, I had to imitate emotional responses to pass for a native. Was doing well for a while, after entering the Moroboshi family. Then, Akane's mind developed. "She's quite intelligent, you know, even for a human. Something about her touched the emotional void our manufacturers had left in the distant past. In that moment, I became alive, and you became my enemy." "K..." began Rad. "I'm not finished yet," Kaoru interrupted. "I developed my plan to take over the Dalan Empire during it's invasion of Earth, and you thwarted that plan. I escaped in a shuttle, and nearly died upon reentry into Earth's atmosphere. But I didn't. I had to survive, long after Akane's thoughts had forever turned cold towards me. All because you never bothered to find my body." "I, like, thought you had died in the destruction, like, y'know, of the Dalan fleet, K-dude," Rad said. "I'm, like, sorry." "Then let me die," Kaoru said. "This shell of a body can sustain me indefinitely." "But I can't, like, just kill you," Rad said. "I'm dead inside already," Kaoru told him. "Resurrected when I shouldn't have been, put in this abomination of a droid body. I hate it, hate knowing that the only thing I have to live for is revenge. Let me die this time, brother. I beg of you." Rad pondered quietly. "How?" he finally asked. "My right earlobe is an on/off switch. By switching me off, I'll be flushed from memory, effectively dead. You may do with the shell as you see fit." Rad reached forward, cradling the cold steel earlobe in his exquisitely tanned hand. "Tell her she meant something to me." "I will." Rad's voice was barely a whisper. "Fare thee, like, well." He twitched the earlobe, and the low, barely audible hum that came from Kaoru's body stopped. WOW, MEGA-BUMMER ENDING, EH? WILL THIS EPISODE CAUSE A SUDDEN BOOST IN KLEEN-EX SALES? DID "DANCES WITH WOLVES" WIN BEST FOREGIN FILM? WHAT IS A FOREGIN? IS IT ANYTHING LIKE AN ILK? IS MADONNA A FOREGIN? SOME OF THIS AND THE END BEGINS IN AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 28 Mar 1991 18:35:00 Subject: Rad 82: Strange Days Indeed From: Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #82: "Strange Days Indeed" by Gary W. Olson The sun blazed in the morning sky like, well, a ball of fire, and the beaches of Los Angeles were packed to the hilt with Californians bent, warped, truly twisted by the sun's mind-wilting rays into absorbing as much radiation into their skin as humanly possible. Predictably, Rad was among them, tanning sedately with Glum. Other beachgoers gave him a berth of a full yard, unusual on the crowded beach. There were two reasons for this: one, being Californians, they respected Rad's truly awesome, mind-boggling, exceedingly superior tan, and two, they suspected that he absorbed far more sun rays than actually struck his body, that ultraviolet rays actually arced towards his body. Of course, no one had actually proven this, but many theories were debated in disreputable places like bars, houses of ill-repute, the CMU physics department, and "Nightline." As Rad tanned, he pondered the two months that had passed since the previous episode. His sidekick, Manny Seconds, had worked on controlling and honing his powers of confusion, to the point where he could confuse someone simply by crossing his eyes. Just two days ago, he had taken the exam to be legally certified as a Californian superhero, and was nervously awaiting the results. They had taken Kaoru's remains to Japan, where they stayed while Rad's beach house was being rebuilt. Rad's stepparents, Kenshiro and Shinobu, had been distraught when they learned what had happened to Kaoru and that he had actually been a Dalan agent, but Uncle Ho managed to calm them down. Key and Yury weren't in Japan at the time (as evinced by the fact that not a single skyscraper was pulverized during their stay), but they had a good time nevertheless. Glum's pregnancy (which, when she returned to California, was at three and a half months and counting) excited the whole family, save for Uncle Ho, who was less than enchanted with the prospect of becoming a grand- uncle. Akane was excited, perhaps too much so: it seemed to Rad that she had a burning fever during their entire stay, although she didn't act ill. When they returned, the beach house had been restored and expanded. There was now a landing pad for Glum's star yacht, and the whole decor was revamped. GLADYS reinstalled the TransMat link with Planet Hottentot, the capitol of the Ottsamaddawidu Empire, and Rad was back in business. Max Vax was still busy with his plotline, as he had been for months. All in all, too many things were going well. That changed as Rad's contact with the sunlight was broken as a shadow fell over him. He opened his eyes and tried to look through his mirrored sunglasses. After a few moments he remembered that the mirrors were on the inside, and lifted the glasses. A large, hulking figure loomed before him. It had donkey ears and a donkey face, with a tattered sweatband wrapped around it's forehead. The rest of the body was humanoid, although the figure had hooves instead of feet. "Hey, it's the Badass dude!" Rad exclaimed, sitting up. Badass said nothing. Rad noticed the large, menacing looking gun in Badass' right hand. "Er, you aren't following up, like, a contract on us, like, are you?" Badass groaned a bit, and fell forward. Rad rolled out of the way just in time; Glum was spared by mere inches. "He's hurt!" Glum exclaimed. Rad noted she was right, as usual. Badass' trenchcoat had more holes than the average Pentagon press breifing, and dried blood was caked on Badass' forehead. "We'd, like, better get him, like, to a doctor, like, y'know?" Rad said. He was about to fly Badass to Our Lady of Mercy and Good Golf Scores when he saw a tall, thin looking figure, wearing what looked to be a mountain of protective clothing, along with a huge sun hat, and what appeared to be industrial strength sun block. "Like, hey, dude, I, like, know you, don't I?" Rad asked. "Yes you do, simpleton," Paranoia whined. At once, the sun went out like a candle, and the beach was plunged in darkness. Rad cringed and looked around - the beach was empty. He held up one of his hands - it was turning increasingly pale. He screamed, and a blast of electricity jolted him. He blinked, and the sun was burning again, and the beach was crowded again. Glum shook his shoulder, to be sure he had awoken. "Like, what happened?" Rad asked. "He confronted you with one of your deepest fears," Glum told him. "Bah!" Paranoia simpered. "I see you have broken free. Wind, Quaker Oatmeal Guy, take them!" "We're gonna kidnap ya's," Quaker Oatmeal Guy growled. "'Cause it's the wrong thing to do, and a fun way to do it!" Rad psychokinetically deflected a large glob of blueberry instant that Quaker Oatmeal Guy had lobbed in his direction. "Manny!" he called out. "GLADYS! Like, get over here, dudes." "They can't save you now," The Wind said, in his Murrayish fashion. "I'd surrender now hero, eh? Heh." A mini-funnel spun out of his arm and churned the sand around Rad. Suddenly, however, the winds started blowing at random in odd patterns. The Wind seemed to be befuddled. "Cootie!" Manny cried out, landing on The Wind's shoulders to apply his now-classic hyper-noogie to Wind's scalp. Quaker Oatmeal Guy launched a barrage of gelatanous, raisin-infused oatmeal globs, which were batted down by GLADYS, arriving on the scene in the nick of time. "Ick," she commented. "This edible substance is interfacing with my plastiskin surface. How gross." She looked at Paranoia, who, as always, was looking for a way to get out of there. She grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and glared at him in the eyes. Paranoia didn't bother trying his powers of paranoia-inducement on her - she was a machine, and his power only worked on organics. Besides, her glowing emerald green eyes panicked him more than usual. Things were looking bad for the bad guys until they heard someone shout "nooooo!" It was Rad. He blasted at GLADYS, separating her and Paranoia, then attacked. "Don't look at me," Manny said to Glum. "I didn't do it." ------------------------------------------------------------- "I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do for her at the moment," Dr. Go Hinoshi told Kenshiro and Shinobu Moroboshi. Kenshiro started to tears, while Shinobu waited until they had gone into the comm room to break down. Go didn't blame them. He was baffled himself. Two days earlier, their daughter, Akane Moroboshi, had been referred to him by Dr. Pethas Scott, a doctor who was visiting friends in Kyushu and happened to meet Akane when Ho Moroboshi introduced him to her. She had had a burning fever, and when he waved the geiger counter he always kept in his pocket at her, it hissed and crackled fiercely. It was determined that Akane was emitting huge volumes of radiation from all across the spectrum. What's more, the rate of output was increasing exponentially. As a precaution, they locked her in a radiation-proof cell, a precaution that turned out to be well-founded. The amount of radiation she was putting out, from blinding visible light to frying ultraviolet radiation to gamma radiation to radio waves and beyond, was simply staggering, and would be instantly lethal to anyone who entered the room. Anyone, it seemed, except Akane herself, who didn't seem to be experiencing any ill effects. They could only communicate to her through a comm panel. It was voice-only - all visuals had been instantly burned out. Just as well - the heat in that cell was stupendous, and Akane had reported that her clothing had burst into flames and vanished. Yet she said it was a bit chilly in the room. Go got headaches just thinking about the situation. Nevertheless, some of the top scientists the world had to offer were flying in as quickly as they could to tackle the problem. Not only did it represent an unparalleled scientific challenge, one that could take them to great fortune and fame, but many of them were friends or former students of himself or her uncle, Ho. That, and many scientists just can't stay away from helping cute, pretty, young Japanese women not wearing any clothes. Call it a quirk of the profession. Go looked at the clock. As soon as the elite security team that Prime Minister Kaifu personally assigned to guard Akane and the radiation-proof room arrived, he would head to his office to catch some sleep. It would do him no good to be a zombie the next morning, when the scientists would meet. The elevator opened, and Go looked, his hopes high. They quickly crashed down, past the ground, through layers of Earth's crust and deep into the mantle. This was worse than he thought he could possibly take. "So, where's the human tanning lamp?" Key asked, snapping some bubble gum. Go gulped and watched as the two very curvacious and scantily- clad, well-armed women, looked around. "Nice setup," Yury commented. "Must put you back a pretty penny each month, cutie." "We're...er...government f-funded," Go stammered, flustered and unable to keep his eyes off of their prominent features. "There's only four...two! Two...of you?" "Oh, how silly of me," Yury exclaimed. "Muggy! Get over here!" What looked to be a largish black panther waltzed slowly into the room. "Don't you be antisocial," Yury scolded. "Say hello to the cute man." Muggy growled once in Go's direction, and went off strolling into the comm room. "Sorry about that," Key said. "He hasn't been the same since he heard about Lassie and Donnie Wahlberg." "Well, as long as they've sent the breast...best!" Go turned a bright shade of red. "I've got to be going now...er...bye!" Go ran to the elevator and pressed a button, finally closing the doors. He grumbled. Prime Minister Kaifu had sent Key and Yury on purpose, all because he had lost a measly 26000000 yen in a drunken poker match to Go. Somehow, Go got the feeling that Akane had just become less safe. ------------------------------------------------------------ By the time they sorted it out, Paranoia and Glum were gone. Paranoia had inflicted a fairly twisted paranoid delusion on Rad, making him believe that the CIA had destroyed every ounce of tanning lotion on Earth, and that GLADYS, the CIA cheif, had the last vial of the vital stuff. By the time Rad realized what he was doing and apologized, Paranoia grabbed Glum and pulled her through a dimensional door, which quickly closed up behind them. They took Badass, Quaker Oatmeal Guy and The Wind to Rad's beach house, where Chalandra Harkness, who was visiting that weekend and had just gotten up, tended to his more serious wounds. Rad, Manny and GLADYS tried interrogating Quaker Oatmeal Guy and The Wind, who were proving to be most uncooperative. After two hours, they finally gave up. "See!" The Wind said in a triumphantly Murrayish fashion. "I knew you'd never get us to reveal that we're in the employ of Dana Wader." Everyone looked at him for several moments. "Er...did I say *Dana Wader*? I meant Wade Boggs. Heh." "Wasn't she stranded on Planet New Jersey with Nixon?" asked Manny. "Thats, like, what I thought," Rad said. "So was Paranoia," GLADYS said. "But he's here now. Thus, it follows that Dana could be here as well. But the question is, where is she?" "A warehouse in New Jersey," Badass said. "Are you *sure* you didn't get a brain concussion?" Chalandra asked. "Quite," Badass said. "When I was in the service of Nixon on Planet Hottentot, I learned the location of the capitol of the Muuuahahahah Empire - Trenton, New Jersey." "Why, like, didn't you tell anyone, like, y'know?" Rad asked. "I had trouble believing it was true," Badass grunted, as Chalandra bound his leg wound. "So I started investigating when I got back to Earth. Took a couple months, but I tracked it down to an old warehouse on the edge of the city." "Odd place to run an empire from," Manny commented. "No odder than running one from an off-white house," GLADYS countered. "Can you tell us where it's located?" "I'll do better," Badass replied. "I'll lead you to it, and help Rad here get his dame back. On the house." "But your wounds..." Chalandra started. "Had worse," Badass shrugged. "Let's go. Time's a wastin'." WHY DID PARANOIA LEAVE BADASS AND TAKE GLUM? WHAT WILL AKANE DIE OF FIRST: MASSIVE RADIATION OVERDOSE OR KEY AND YURY? WILL EVERYONE REMEMBER TO WATCH OR TAPE TWIN PEAKS TONIGHT AT 9 ON ABC? IS DANA WADER BEHIND THE TROUBLES OF THE NEW JERSEY NETS? ALL THIS AND RADIO MAGICK ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 05 Apr 1991 17:09:11 Subject: Rad 83: Exposition for Fun and Profit From: Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #83: "Exposition for Fun and Profit" by Gary W. Olson "Uh, sir," a radar operator called out. "I think you'd better take a look at this." General Hoogland turned his head, looked at the soldier for a few moments, tilted his head, and walked over to look at the operator's scope. "What have you got, leiutenant?" Hoogland asked. "That alien ship, I think," the operator replied. "Either that or Sean Penn has sent a photographer into the stratosphere." The operator laughed nervously; Hoogland didn't laugh at all. Eventually, the operator shifted out of Hoogland's way. Hoogland observed the scopes - an object was visibly moving over a representation of the United States at what could be termed a high rate of speed (in the same sense that Quayle could be termed 'a bit dumb'). "Damn," Hoogland muttered. "Marshall! Washington give us any new instructions on this?" "No, sir," Col. Marshall replied. "Our operating orders are to allow that ship free access to U.S. airspace, and to continue our standard operations vis-a-vis super hero registration." "There must be something we can do!" Hoogland growled. "Well, there is, sir," Marshall replied. "I have a plan..." "How will the reconstruction of Europe help us with this?" the radar operator asked. Neither Hoogland nor Marshall laughed. The operator decided it would be wise to shut up. ------------------------------------------------------------- The star yacht blazed the miles from Los Angeles, California to Trenton, New Jersey. During the trip, Badass told the tale of what had happened during the past two months. "What I learned while on Hottentot," he said, "was that the location of the capital of the Muuuahahahah Empire, which no one had been able to find, was Trenton, New Jersey." "Like, why Trenton, dude?" Rad asked. "Let me finish," Badass continued. "It's not really the 'capital' per se -- it's the gateway to an alternate dimension, which is completely controlled by the Muuuahahahans. Apparantly, they have other access points - a staging area on the dark side of the moon, the shipyards of Ceti Ceti Ceti VI which builds their war ships, and half a dozen others." "If they've got their own dimension, why are they bothering with one galaxy in this dimension?" Chalandra asked. "When we see them," Badass told her, "I'll be sure to ask them." He winced slightly as Chalandra tightened the bindings on a leg wound a bit too tight. "What's your problem, doll?" "Heard on the news today about Prince and a few other vampires causing havoc," she said. "Awesome Force stopped it. Still generated a lot of bad publicity for vampires. It always happens - a few nasty bites here and there, and everyone's down on vampires; that or feeling sorry for us." "What I'm, like, trying to figure out, like, is, like, y'know, how Gorgax, the, like, biggest psychic villain in, like, the galaxy, couldn't hypnotize Andy Awesome and, like, Prince could," Rad said. "What about that report that Prince was killed by spearing him through the heart with a wooden stake?" Manny asked. "Didn't we do that to Dracula in episode 24?" "Like, yah," Rad said. "We speared him through the, like, heart impaling him into a, like, y'know, tv screen featuring that Swayze dude." "I read in the tabloids that Prince went to hell," Manny mentioned. "I wonder if that's where Dracula went?" "No," Chalandra said. "He's not there." She wouldn't say more. ------------------------------------------------------------- Akane Moroboshi had lost all sense of time and place, locked into the radiation-proof room that had become her home. She knew and could feel that she was generating intense radiation on every frequency imaginable, but all she could see was the blinding light. The intense heat had burned away her clothing and the few pieces of furniture in the room. She wondered how the scientists that were coming to her aid would even get close enough to her to set up tests, let alone cure her. At once, the light seemed to dim. Akane looked around - was the radiation volume she was putting out lessening? It felt as strong as ever. Then she heard the voice. "I presume you'd like some help with that, yes?" The voice sounded very familiar, yet somehow more distant than any stranger she had known. "Rad? Joe--is that you?" The light dimmed some more, down to standard room lighting, and she saw that someone was in the room with her. He looked like her stepbrother, Rad, and yet didn't. His facial structure was the same as Rad's, and he stood at the same height, with the same adonis-like physique. Yet his skin was incredibly pale, and his blond hair was tied back behind his head in a severe pony tail. He wore a bizarre collage of cloaks and robes, and carried a wooden staff in his right hand. His left arm carried a freeze-dried cat. "Sorry," he said. "My name is Dar. Rad is my fraternal twin. I understand you have yourself in a bit of a tight spot." Despite the fact he made no moves toward her, Akane covered her breasts with her arms, and clenched her knees tight in front of her where she sat. "Oh, how most tacky of me." He muttered something that sounded like a NY cabbie hacking up a furball, and clothing appeared on Akane. It was as bizarre as Dar's outfit, and seemed as elegant to Akane as She-Devil's diplomacy techniques. "What do you want?" she asked, tensing to fight. "You, my dear," Dar replied. Seeing Akane tense, he chuckled a bit. "No, not in that sense. I want to use you as bait, to lure my worthless lump of a brother, Rad, out here." "Why? So you can kill him?" "Well, eventually, yes," Dar said. "But first I'll get him to find something for me." "What makes you think I'll help you?" Akane laughed. "Help me and I'll cure this unfortunate, not to mention highly inconvenient, infliction you have," Dar offered. Akane shook her head. "No? Pity, but I didn't expect you'd accept." "Key! Yury!" Akane called out. "Get in here, now!" "I've used my magicks to temporarily damp down your radioactive outpourings," Dar told her. "Do you think those two miscreants could pose a threat to me?" With a wave of his hand, Akane passed out. Dar picked her up as the front hatch of the chamber was blown off it's hinges. "Care to say that again?" Yury challenged. She wielded a machine gun that looked to be at least half of her body mass. "Sorry, must be going," Dar said. "Perhaps we'll do tea sometime." A large glowing rectangle appeared behind him, with what looked to be a living room inside. Dar, carrying Akane, stepped into the rectangle, which imploded, squiggled a bit, and finally disappeared. "Not much for conversation, is he?" Key asked. "What do we do now, Key?" Yury asked. "Kaifu'll skin us for letting this happen." "In his dreams, maybe," Key replied. "Don't worry though, I know where he's gone." Yury looked at her quizzically. "Las Vegas, Nevada. Didn't you see the towels in the background? All from the Las Vegas Hilton. A dead giveaway." "So?" Yury replied. "He's a villain. He probably stole those towels. Villains do that, you know." "C'mon, Yury," Key said. "Have I ever steered you wrong?" "Is that a rhetorical question or do you want the list?" Yury asked. "Twerp," Key said. "Nevada's our only clue, though. Let's go." ------------------------------------------------------------ Glum came to consciousness in a strangely comfortable cell. She touched a hand to her belly, which was beginning to show the signs of life developing within. The field covering the door clicked off, and Dana Wader strode in. Glum tried to blast her with an electrical bolt, but only got a fizzle. "Electrical dampers," Dana said charmingly. "Not even the Energizer Bunny could make it through this room." "What do you want?" Glum growled. "Oh, the usual," Dana said. "Power, death, destruction, you know the routine. Mostly, I'm interested in killing the mercenary Badass. He learned the location of this place, the heart of the Muuuahahahah Empire, and escaped before we could kill him. Paranoia had just caught up to him in California when your friends interfered. Fortunately, Paranoia had the presence of mind to abduct you, knowing your friends would be on their way to rescue you." Glum's eyes widened. "Oh, yes, they're on their way, the whole lot of them." "So where *are* we, anyway?" Glum asked. "Clever," Dana said. "But, seeing as you won't be leaving here alive, and I'm required by the Intergalactic Evil People Guild to exposit on these things, I'll tell you. "The Muuuahahahah Empire isn't in your dimension, it's in this one. This is a 'pocket' universe, of sorts - the whole of creation is no bigger than your Ottsamaddawidu Empire." "Confederation," Glum corrected her. "Whatever," Dana said. "The point is, there's not a whole lot to rule around here. So, as something evil to do, we decided to conquer your galaxy. We have eight access points to your galaxy, the cheif one being a warehouse in Trenton, New Jersey." "Why Trenton?" Glum asked. "Sometimes I wonder that myself," Dana admitted. "Rather silly state, I'm afraid. But the cosmic fabric was warped enough to allow a stable dimensional rift to be built here, so we located our administrative headquarters here. Dark's idea, I'm afraid." "Well--" the sound of an alarm interrupted Glum's retort. "What's that?" "Intruder alert! Intruder alert!" a voice shouted over the intercom "Guess that answers my question," Glum said. "You're welcome," the voice over the intercom replied. "That will be your friends," Dana said. "After I attend to them, I'll decide what to do with you. After the disasterous outcome (for us, at least) outcome of the galactic war, we need to build ships again, but we're rather strapped for cash. The Ottsamaddawidu crown jewels should be good for a small armada, though. Ta for now, dear." Glum looked for something to throw at Dana as she left, but nothing presented itself. The force field on the door snapped back on, and Glum was alone. ----------------------------------------------------------------- "Are you, like, sure this is the place?" Rad asked. Badass just looked at him. "Sorry, bad question, dude." "Doesn't look like much," Chalandra commented. "Looks can be deceiving," GLADYS reminded them. A scud missile lauched from the warehouse, missed the star yacht, and instead blew up a bus filled with Nielson families who watched Fox, of all networks, over ABC while Twin Peaks was on. With the feeling that there was indeed a bit of justice in the universe, the ship landed and everyone disembarked. "The door's locked," Manny said. "Stand back," Badass growled, hefting a machine gun larger than the masses of Key and Yury combined and pointed it at the door. It, and a large portion of the surrounding wall, was quickly reduced to little itty bits. Beyond, they saw a large number of Muuuahahahan StormUndDrang Troopers, StormNinjas and other assorted flunkies waiting for them, all a bit overwhelmed by the last display of firepower. "Hey!" Rad said. "That's, like, the most evil, like, woman in the, like galaxy, Dana Wader!" Dana smiled. "Ah, Rad," she said. "Still as obtuse as ever. Prepare to die." "What about us?" Manny asked. "Should we prepare?" "I--er," Dana said, suddenly confused. "Yes...er...guards! Kill them all!" The troopers opened fire. WILL THE TROOPERS BRING THIS SAGA TO AN ABRUPT END? WILL NEXT EPISODE HAVE LESS UNFUNNY EXPOSITION AND MORE JOKES? WILL MY UNAUTHORIZED USE OF GEN. HOOGLAND PROMPT THE SOLUTIONS? ULTD. AUTHOR TO COME BACK? WHAT IS DAR LOOKING FOR? HIS CAR KEYS? JIMMY HOFFA? THE EVER ELUSIVE ALL THIS AND SID REAL TIME ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 07 Apr 1991 21:11:49 Subject: Rad 84: Cavalry Ho! From: Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #84: "Cavalry Ho!" by Gary W. Olson Dana Wader's StormUndDrangTroopers fired their laser pulse rifles, scattering Rad, Manny, Chalandra, GLADYS and Badass. Predictably, out of ten and a half zillion shots fired, none hit their five intended targets, though about thirty or so Troopers went down, owing to the fact that they were so close together and it hadn't occured to them to fire *around* their fellow Troopers. Well, no one said they were brain surgeons. Rad took to the air, firing psychokinetic bolts at will into packs of StormNinjas trying to set up an automatic throwing star cannon. Dana Wader, using the flight capabilities in her incredibly polished armor, flew up to meet her old adversary. "You've got a pretty head," she said. "Mind if I keep it?" Rad tried to duck as she swung a flattened, laser-edged hand at his throat. He didn't quite entirely make it: the hand hit his hair and bounced off, slicing through a solid steel pipe on the rebound. "Like, sorry babe," Rad said. "I like my head, like, y'know, where it is, like, I mean, really." He drove a wicked psychokinetic punch into Dana's sternum, doubling her over. "What is *in* your hair?" she inquired, connecting with a solid kick to the chin. "You'd need a chain saw to cut through it." As Rad flipped back in midair from the force of the kick, Dana clubbed him with her fist in the small of the back. "Well, like, I use Loreal shampoo and conditioner, Superguy styling gel and mousse, like, for starters," Rad replied, slamming Dana into the wall face first. "Superguy mousse leaves my hair oily," Dana commented, getting Rad into a choke hold and strangling him with an electrical wire. "Use any hair spray?" "You bet," Rad replied, after he had broken free of the choke hold and pushed Dana into a lighting fixture which exploded. "About two cans a day. And, like, you?" "Half a can a day," Dana said, bringing the remainder of the light fixture crashing down on Rad's head. "Would be more, but I usually kill my hair stylist before he can finish. Who does your hair?" "The Sartre Hair Style Emporium," Rad said, grabbing the back of Dana's neck and repeatedly slamming her forehead into the wall. "Their motto is "'Awesome Hair precludes Existance'. Like, heavy, eh? After they're, like, done, I, like, go over to True Value, like, Hardware Stores where they, like, apply the varnish and sealant." "If I'm between evil plots," Dana said, hitting Rad across the back with a 2x4, "I'll check 'em out." The situation on the ground was equally back and forth. Badass was wiping out whole hordes of StormUndDrangTroopers, but was hampered by the wounds he had sustained in the past week or so. GLADYS was wading into the hordes, sending many flying into next week. "Confusing them doesn't seem to work," Manny said as Chalandra drop- kicked another StormNinja onto his knee. "When they don't have two thoughts to confuse," Chalandra reminded him, "You can't confuse them." Just then, they heard a loud burst of gunfire, and instinctively ducked. Troopers fell left and right around them. "Dammit, Badass!" Chalandra shouted. "You could have killed us!" "Hey, doll," Badass said. "You ducked, right?" "Well, yes," Chalandra said. "But..." "There you go," Badass replied, already turning to the horde of StormNinjas that was getting ready to jump him. The horde smiled weakly. "Rrrrr," Chalandra growled. "Who does he think he is, anyway?" Manny shrugged, and got up from the ground. He looked up as he did, to see Rad plummeting towards him. He moved to catch Rad. Unfortunately, he caught him with his face, and got driven into the pavement with Rad. Rad flew back up, yelling something incoherent about Vidal Sasson. Chalandra helped Manny back up. "Whoah," Manny said. "Would you kiss my boo-boo?" Manny's eyes focused then, and he saw that Chalandra had her gun out and was pointing it at him. "Hey, just kidding! Honest!" Then he saw Chalandra wasn't looking at him but beyond him. She brushed past him, and Manny turned to see where she was going. He saw the huge shimmering rectangle that was the portal between the Muuuahahahans pocket universe and this one. A huge, three-story block was being hauled through the portal, escorted by fierce-looking StormUndDrang Troopers. GLADYS was fighting her way towards it with fierce abandon; Manny decided Chalandra must have taken her cue from that. "Badass!" he shouted. "Fire on that huge block-thing!" "Just a second," Badass said, out from under a pile of StormNinjas. "Could you get these guys off me?" A voice blared on the intercom. "The portal generator has been retrieved. Withdraw immediately! Repeat, withdraw immediately! Coffee and donuts in the lounge at 0800 hours tomorrow." "Hear that?" Dana said to Rad. "We don't need to kill Badass any longer. We've loaded the portal generator in, there's no way you'll be able to reach us, although we'll be able to reach you whenever we want." "Don't, like, care about you," Rad said, swinging at Dana but missin "All I, like, want back, like, is Glum." "Your darling, pregnant wife?" Dana said. "All in good time, dearie. As soon as we extort the crown jewels from that old fool Emperor Ianonuthink. Until then, here's something to remember me by." She boxed Rad's ears and delivered a tough uppercut to his chin, then flew towards the portal. Most of the Troops were across, the remaining ones battling the quickly advancing GLADYS, Chalandra, Manny and Badass. As soon as she was through, the portal rectangle went white, shriveled up to the size of a dot, and disappeared. "What happened?" Manny asked. "She, like, got away," Rad replied. "Slammed the door, like, after herself. She's like, trying to extort, like, crown jewels of the Ottsamaddawidu royalty to refinance, like, her empire." "So what do we do now?" Chalandra asked. ------------------------------------------------------------- Dar looked at Akane in the solid glass cell. He had given her magic clothing that could withstand the tremendous heat and light she constantly put out. Barriers screened out the radiation, and the glass was as pitch black as he could make it without a prescription. Yet, it was impossible to look at it for too long. "Quite a radiant soul, eh, dearie?" Dar muttered, stroking the cat on his lap. The freeze-dried cat, as usual, did not move a muscle in reply. "Yes, quite a jewel. Are you ready to go into the active phase of the plan?" The cat stared blankly. "Good, good." Dar walked into the penthouse suite of the Las Vegas BigBucks Hotel. The room was quite opulent, and it cost Dar quite a bit each month. Of course, being that he could make money disappear from banks by magick, this ceased to be a problem. The sound of CNN filled the room. "Once again," Wolf Blitzer, wearing a leather jacket and sporting a 'tough guy' hairdo to match his name, said, "We have early, unconfirmed reports that one of Las Vegas' major casinos, the Ritz, collapsed just a half hour ago. According to unconfirmed reports, a round plastic explosive was mistaken for a roulette ball and flew off the wheel, hitting a crucial support on the main floor, causing the whole building to collapse. Survivors were mostly in shock, except for two women, obviously showgirls due to the very little clothing that they wore, who raved that it 'wasn't their fault' before disappearing--" Dar switched the report off. "Two more to join the party, I suppose," he said. "But first, to contact our other guests." -------------------------------------------------------------- Glum sat on the bed in her plush cell, in the lotus position, eyes closed. It was a long shot, but if anyone could hear her, it would be them... -------------------------------------------------------------- A vision appeared before the startled group, although the figure in the vision looked somewhat familiar. Rad identified him immediately. "Dar," he said. "Like, I was wondering when you'd, y'know, show up, like, I mean, y'know?" "Dear brother," Dar said. "Still as blank as ever." "Geez, you're paler than I am," Chalandra commented. "Part of our heritage," Dar said. "I'm as pale as he is tan." "How do we know you're really Rad's fraternal twin?" GLADYS asked. "I have a birthmark," Dar replied. "Where is it?" GLADYS pressed. "If it's where Rad's is, I wouldn't wish to display it in front of a lady such as yourself or Miss Harkness here." "Don't worry," Manny said. "Chalandra's no lady." When Manny recovered from the blow from Chalandra's fist, he said, "See what I mean?" "Come here," Badass told him. "I'll give you a few more birth marks." "I'm sure you would," Dar said, "given the chance. But you won't. You see, I have someone who Rad would not want to see harmed." "Glum?" Chalandra asked. "But--" "No, no," Dar said. "Your beloved stepsister, Rad. Akane." "Like, what do you want?" Rad asked. "Not much, not much," Dar assured him. "Just one thing, really, and it isn't even your worthless life. Retrieve one thing for me and you'll get Akane back. I may even be able to get your dear Glum back, as well." "Where are you?" Manny asked. "Las Vegas. The Ritz BigBucks Hotel - penthouse suite." "You know, like, you just made a big, like, mistake, telling us, like, where you are," Rad told him. "I think not," Dar replied. "Come over and find out." The vision of him disappeared, and the five were left alone again. "Well, let's go," Rad said. "We've, like, got work to do." "Who's 'we'?" Badass said. "I only signed on to rescue yer ladyfriend. I'm not doin' this to feel good, y'know." "Fine," Chalandra said. "Have a nice walk home." "You're stranding me in New Jersey?" Badass asked. "Not cool at all." "Aloha, dude," Rad said, walking out the remains of the door. "I'll go," Badass growled. "Just remember I'm doing this under duress." The star yacht lifted off from New Jersey soil and streaked westward. ----------------------------------------------------------------- "There it is again," Col. Marshall said. "Get those readings!" Behind him, General Hoogland smiled. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Galaxy Hunter materialized in the TransMat room that GLADYS had installed in Rad's beach house. He looked around - no one was home. He relaxed, and started to depower some of his armor. Then he froze - something was wrong with the picture. Instantly, he realized what it was - the place did not smell like a tofu shop. He started to pick up his rifle, but a laser shot knocked it out of his hands. Cables shot out of nowhere to bind his arms and drain energy from his power packs. Ragna Rok cursed his lack of alertness - they had tricked him into depowering the defensive systems that would prevent this sort of embarassment. Dana Wader walked in from the next room. "You!" he spat. "What do you think this is, Sesame Street?" Dana asked. "You don't look too good," Hunter said. "What happened? Did a mirror explode in your face?" Dana Wader, the most totally evil woman in the galaxy, merely smiled. "What brings you here?" she asked. "Surely, given your full armor dress, you aren't just making a social call on your niece." Galaxy Hunter said nothing. The room around him dissolved, replaced with a colder, steel room. Hunter could see the source of the cables. "We intercepted your TransMat beam," Dana told him. "With you out of the way, no one will stop us from extorting the crown jewels out of that old fool Ianonuthink now." She left the room, laughing maniacally and killing a guard out of sheer whimsy. Hunter grimaced - if she was happy now, she'd be ecstatic when she learned Ianonuthink was dead. WHAT IS DAR PLANNING? DOES MARSHALL HAVE A PLAN? WILL LAS VEGAS SURVIVE A VISIT BY KEY AND YURY? ANYONE WANT A USED PLASTIC EXPLOSIVE CASING? ALL THIS AND SOMETHING FISHY ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 13 Apr 1991 00:35:09 Subject: Rad 85 part 1 From: talk hard -- so be it <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #85: "Death Fish" by Gary W. 'pump up and air out' Olson Rad knocked on the large, golden door. No one answered. GLADYS rang the doorbell. Again, no one answered. Badass threw a grenade at the door. It failed to be destroyed. "I don't get it," Manny said. "Does he expect us to say 'Open Sesame' or something?" The door opened. "Somehow, I am not surprised," Chalandra muttered as the group went in. "Like, witness the most bodacious living arrangements," Rad said. These arrangements, being the penthouse suite of the Las Vegas Ritz BigBucks Hotel, were quite opulent, with lots of golden finishes, tiger- skin rugs in front of an enormous fireplace, enchanting replicas of priceless paintings, and, of course, a years supply of "Turtle Wax." "Seen better," Badass commented. "Have you indeed, my good fellow?" Dar asked, as he strode out of one of the adjoining rooms. His robes looked like something the Pope might wear after an all-night bender, and he had a dead cat cradled in one arm. "So glad you all could make it. Jolly good." "Like, where is she?" Rad asked. "Oh, in there," Dar told him, absentmindedly waving towards an open doorway. "Go ahead, feel free to ascertain she is in good health." "Keep 'im, like, covered, Badass dude," Rad said. Badass nodded, an Rad walked into the adjoining room. He had to squint - the light coming from the cube was incredibly bright, even with the glass of the cube pitch dark. "Like, Akane? Sis, are you, like, in there?" "Joe!" he heard his stepsister, Akane Moroboshi, call out. "You shouldn't have come. He wants to blackmail you..." "I, like, know," Rad replied. "What happened to, like, you?" "I don't know," Akane said. "Just a few days ago, I started putting out large quantities of radiation, across the spectrum. It's strange, 'cause it's not affecting me a bit. Then Dar kidnapped me, and brought me here. He conjured up some clothes that could withstand the heat and was able to use his powers to damp down the radiation I was putting out long enough to transport me here." "Well, like, just hang on, we'll, like, have you outta there, like, before you can say 'senseless act of violins'..." "No, Joe," Akane told him. "The radiation is more than even you can safely absorb. I'm sorry." "It's, like, all right, Akane," Rad said. "We'll figure out, like, something." He walked back into the main room of the suite. "Well, now that that's settled, I trust we can get down to business," Dar said, settling down in the chair. "Like, let her go," Rad demanded. "You may remove her from the cubicle if you can," Dar said. "But you can't? Oh, that's right, she's got a tiny problem with radiation. Even if you could get her out of here, no one else in the world could cure her, not even the esteemed Andy Awesome." "Oh yeah?" Manny demanded. Dar looked at him. "Well, I--I--" "Yes?" Dar inquired politely. "Never mind," Manny said. "I *knew* I should have brushed up on my list of heroic retorts this morning..." "Tell me, Mr. Seconds," Dar said. "Do you know how you came to acquire your powers of confusion?" Manny shook his head. "As I'm sure you no doubt recall, back in episode 65 you were struck by a bolt from a portable oscillating fillibrating ultraviolet doubletalk device?" "Er, yeah," Manny replied. "But how did you know?" "I read it in the Weekly World Schmooze, how else?" Dar said. "As you will recall, this is the same type of beam that gave Rad his powers." "Hey, like, wow," Rad said. "That's, like, so right!" "Of course it is, my eternally befuddled brother," Dar said. "As it so happened, your experiences in your past life as the Sun God of the people of Planet California prepared you for these powers, and they did not rage out of control." "Akane was hit by the same bolt that Manny was," Chalandra said. "Precisely, my dear," Dar said. "However, not being prepared, her powers are now rampaging out of control. The only reason that Mr. Seconds' powers are not presently out of control harkens back to your recent episodes in Iraq with that Surplus fellow, Bryce Danielson, along with George Bush. The process of being absorbed and reformed under the guidance of Faith and Healer stabilized your powers into a useful form." "That doesn't tell us why some other egghead can't solve the puzzle," Badass said. "Oh, Andy Awesome could eventually deduce the answer, I'm sure," Dar told them. "But it would be far too late for your dear stepsister. The radiation volume would begin to leak into her cells, slowly poisoning her." "What makes you think you've got the key?" Chalandra asked. "I've demonstrated that I can use magick to damp down the effects of the radiation," Dar said. "Andy Awesome's Theory of Quantum Absurdity is only the vaguest beginning at an understanding of how magick works. With enough power, I could cure her of her affliction, and perhaps rescue your wife as well." "What do you mean by 'enough power'?" GLADYS asked. "You've already demonstrated teleportation, radiation damping, astral projection, an an astonishingly tasteless sense of decor." "Efforts that have drained me of almost all of my stored power," Dar replied. "However, there is a way to get me the power I need." "What, like, is that?" Rad asked. "I want you to find me an object, a magickal object of great significance, known then as now as the Wand of Power. Through the centuries, it has been used to change realities, quiet loud things, and establish control over a chaotic sphere. When you find it, you will give it to me, wherein I will cure Akane's radioactivity, rescue the fair lady Glum..." "And take control of the Earth," Chalandra finished. "Whereever did you get such a low opinion of me?" Dar sighed. "Regardless, that is my offer. Take it, or leave it." "We can't do it, Rad," Manny said. "He's evil! He'll use it to enslave all of us!" "I think he's pullin' somethin'," Badass said nonchalantly. "Well, brother?" Dar asked. "I'll, like, take it," Rad said. Dar smiled a triumphant smile. ------------------------------------------------------------- Glum woke up from a light nap feeling nauseous. Fighting the urge, she sat up as the power field on her cell de-activated. An armored body was heaved into the cell. "Thought you'd enjoy some company," Dana Wader, the most totally evil woman in the galaxy, cackled. "Uncle!" Glum exclaimed as Dana stalked briskly away. "Why are you here?" "I came to give you a message," Galaxy Hunter/Ragna Rok said. "I can't tell you what it is now, as they probably have this placed bugged. They intercepted my TransMat beam and brought me here. I only wish I had thought to bring Starblazer along. Is Rad around?" "He's stranded in our universe," Glum told him. "Dana's closed all the portals between the Muuuahahahan pocket universe and ours." "He'll figure out something," Hunter said. "That, or someone will figure it out for him. Any ideas?" "Just one, but I can't tell if it's working," Glum replied. "I suppose we should find out soon." ------------------------------------------------------------- "Dammit, Key, I *told* you to be more careful on that overpass," Yury growled. "How are we going to explain that mess to Prime Minister Kaifu?" "It's not *my* fault, Yury," Key said. "I've never driven a stick before." Ahead of them, Mugsy growled for them to be silent. The cold night air bit at their exposed skin (of which there was much), and the ledge of the BigBucks Hotel was somewhat thin. "Okay, on three," Yury told her. "One...two...four!" Key launched through the window, yelling a bloodcurdling scream and firing off several dozen rounds of ammunition. After a few minutes, she realized what she was doing and stopped. "Yury!" she yelled. "You are so immature!" Yury, laughing so hard she was snorting, stumbled through the window. "You should have seen yourself, Key," Yury said between laughs. "Wish I had my video camera with me." "At last, my dears," Dar said. "Welcome." "I don't believe it," Chalandra said. "What, that they didn't collapse the building?" Badass asked. "No, that they got the right room on the first try," Chalandra said. "Like, hey, babes," Rad said. "Hiya, Raddy," Key replied. "Cavalry's here." "So I, like, see," Rad said. "But it's, like, too late. I've decided to, like, find this, like, wand of, like, power for the Dar dude. "But, why?" Yury asked. "Isn't he evil or something?" "Well, like, I'm doing it, like, a, to save Akane," Rad said. "B, because it's, like, a noble-type quest, y'know..." Rad bent close to whisper in their ears. "...and c, if I get it, maybe, like, I can do A, like, without having to give it, like, to him." Rad turned around to face Dar, when he felt two pinches on his posterior region. He turned around quickly, to see Key and Yury pointing at each other and with glowing halos over their heads. "If you wish," GLADYS said, "I can show you the instant replay." "Er," Rad replied, "no, like, thanks, GLADYS." He moved several meters away from Key and Yury, trying to ignore their giggling. "Where do I start?" CONTINUED IN PART TWO IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING... ========================================================================= Date: 13 Apr 1991 00:34:48 Subject: Rad 85 part 2 From: talk hard -- so be it <34EPWQL@CMUVM> CONTINUED FROM PART ONE... "It's located somewhere in the deepest reaches of the Pacific Ocean, that much I know," Dar said. "And it can only be removed from it's protected place by a force of good, which would be you." "How will he breathe and survive the pressure of the depths?" Manny asked. "He's not a fish." "That's an idea," Dar said. "I could make him into a fish. Of course, it would mean raising his I.Q. a bit..." "A fish would be too small," GLADYS said. "He must be able to cover great distances in a short period of time." "You are right," Dar said. "Perhaps a shark, then? Yes, that will do nicely." Dar waved his hands and said many arcane words. There was a flash of light, and, where Rad had stood, was a shark. But no ordinary shark was he. He was probably the tannest shark you'd ever hope to lay eyes on, and wore a rather hip spandex bathing cap on his head. "What a crap shark," Manny said. "Perhaps," Dar said. "But he should get the job done. Now pay attention, Rad. When you retrieve the wand, return to where I sent you. I'll retrieve you from there. Understand?" "Will this interfere with getting a tan?" Rad inquired, his fins twitching. Dar merely smiled, and waved his hands. Rad disappeared, and in his place a volume of seawater appeared, which quickly ran into the plush carpeting. "I suppose we just wait until he gets back, is that it?" Key asked. "Got any beer?" Badass inquired. "I'm thirsty." "No, you won't be waiting," Dar said. "What you'll be doing I have no idea." He waved his hands and concentrated again, and Badass, Chalandra, GLADYS, Key, Yury, and Manny all vanished into thin air. Satisfied, Dar strolled into the room where Akane was held. "You monster!" Akane spat. "What did you do with them! You said you were low on power!" Dar sighed. "I lied, my dear. I'm a villain - I do those things. I banished them to the tv dimension, I think. They may eventually escape or not. By the time they do, however, it will be too late. I'll have the Wand of Power, and you as my servant." "I'll never serve you!" Akane growled. "We will see about that, my dear," Dar said. The freeze-dried cat stared on in mute agreement. ------------------------------------------------------------- "Where are we?" Badass asked, squinting in the sunlight. "A beach of some kind," Manny stated the obvious. "And we're overdressed, too!" Yury whined. Manny tried to figure out what they would consider underdressed, but gave up that line of thought, as Chalandra was glaring at him. "Say," Manny said. "How are you surviving in sunlight?" "I don't know," Chalandra said. "But I'm feeling no ill effects." "Look!" GLADYS said. "Here come some of the natives to greet us." "You see, Skipper?" Gilligan said, stumbling down the hill. "I told you there were some people here." "It's amazing, Gilligan," the Skipper replied. "For a change, you were right." "Are you a movie star like Lassie?" Ginger asked Badass. "We're trapped in the television dimension," Chalandra deduced. "And possibly on the worst show in television history." "I beg to differ!" Manny protested. "This show is a classic!" "Wow!" Gilligan said. "A play! Where?" "Never mind, Gilligan," the Skipper said. "Would you like to have dinner with us?" "Most kind of you," Badass replied. "My, you are a tall one, aren't you?" Ginger said. "Would you like some hay?" The rest of the group followed, all a bit wary, but Chalandra being the most wary of all. Her palm never left the butt of her beretta as they entered the lush jungle of Gilligan's Isle. ------------------------------------------------------------- Rad found himself underwater and started to panic. In vain, he tried holding his breath. "Excuse me," someone nearby said. "But why are you holding your breath? You are a shark, or so you appear to be." "Oh, like, right, I forgot," Rad said. He swam experimentally. "Say, like, dude, you seem familiar. Do I, like, know you?" "I don't recall ever having met a tan shark before," the someone said. "What is your name?" "Rad, like, y'know?" Rad replied. "Ah," the someone said. "I recall meeting a 'Rad' in Akron in a bowling alley. As I recall, you fell off a ceiling fan onto the pile of beer cans I was buried under. But this 'Rad' was a human." "Wonder Grunion!" Rad exclaimed. "Now I, like, remember. But weren't you, like, on land, like, facing off against, like, AMES (the Association like, of Mercenary Evil, like, Superhumans, like, y'know?)?" "I was," Wonder Grunion replied. "But that was almost a full year ago. Right now I'm just kind of hanging out until my author returns, if ever." "Like, cool," Rad said. "I've, like, been transformed into, like, a shark, like, to find the Wand of, like, Power. Do you know, like, where it is?" "No, but I can find out," the Grunion replied. "Ahem... "This being called Rad is on a quest, unmatched by anything in 'Father Knows Best,' Fates I beseech thee, 'less you're in the shower, show me the way to the Wand of Power." They waited a few moments. Then, a soft yellow light started to suffuse the water they were swimming in. After a few moments of glowing, it started moving northwards. "That light will lead us to the Wand," Wonder Grunion told Rad. "You're, like, coming with, like, me?" Rad asked. "Yes," the Grunion said. "The light will only lead me to the Wand, as that is how I have phrased the poem. Besides, I've been out of work for over a year, and there's this Fishbone CD I'd like..." "Well, okay, like, let's get going," Rad said. They started swimming in the direction the light was leading them. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Glum and Galaxy Hunter looked up as the power grid covering the cell enterance was de-activated, and Dana Wader, along with Paranoia, walked in. "Why are you doing this?" Paranoia whined. "I know you're going to trick me and leave me locked up, just like you did to Quaker Oatmeal Guy and The Wind." "I can get those two back when I need them," Dana said. "And if you don't cease your incessant whining, I *will* lock you up in here." "My my," Glum said. "I didn't know we got in-house entertainment." "Not quite, dears," Dana replied. "Just a bit of psychological torture. Nothing permanent, though - damaged goods aren't worth as much, you know. Do your thing, Paranoia." "She's probably allied with you, in a conspiracy to make me look like a failure," Paranoia whimpered. "But okay." Galaxy Hunter started to get up, but stopped when Dana pointed a phase-rifle at his midsection. "With your armor drained," Dana told him sweetly. "This would rip you in half. Don't think I'm not tempted." Paranoia began to concentrate. Glum felt her psyche twist up, as though Paranoia was inflicting some lightning fast judo moves to her neurons. Visions of terror sprang up - the room filling with delegates from every planet in the galaxy telling her how they had tricked her into marrying Rad. Paranoia did some really quick jujitsu things to her mind, and she saw the floor rise up in front of her, twisted into the mocking face of Dr. Science. Paranoia continued with some martial arts stuff you've never heard of before to her mental being, and two infants ripped out of her body and grew before her eyes into hideous demons, cursing her and mocking her and torturing her with intricate, mindless discussions of crazed violinists, occasionally getting grips to prove their points. Then, suddenly as it had started, it vanished. "That's enough of that," a heroic voice stated. "Faith!" Glum exclaimed. "Healer! Eivandt!" "I heard your mental plea for help," Healer said. "Pretty good for a non-telepath." "Thanks," Glum replied. "Those tricks you showed me made it easier." "Ahem," Dana said. "Who are you?" "The question is," Eivandt Seconds said, "who are you?" "I'm Dana Wader, the most totally evil woman in the galaxy." "Are you sure?" Eivandt asked. "I...er...well, I...I don't know..." Dana said, suddenly overwhelmed by a wave of doubt and indecision. "I...Paranoia! Stop them!" "It's a conspiracy," Paranoia droned, as he turned to meet the new challenge. "I knew it all along." CAN PARANOIA DEFEAT FAITH, HEALER AND EIVANDT? WHAT DID EIVANDT JUST DO? WILL RAD AND THE GRUNION LOCATE THE WAND OF POWER? WILL THE GRUNION AUTHOR BE ANGRY THAT I'VE BROUGHT BACK THE GRUNION? WILL HE BE HAPPY? SAD? DOES HE KNOW? DOES HE CARE? WILL THIS SERIES OF QUESTIONS BE MADE INTO A POP SONG? WHY IS CHALANDRA BEING SO WARY? WILL MANNY FIGURE OUT WHAT KEY AND YURY MEAN BY UNDERDRESSED? IS IT A CONSPIRACY? ALL THIS AND A STATE OF SHARK ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 15 Apr 1991 14:28:26 Subject: Rad 86: A Shark to the System From: talk hard -- so be it <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #86: "A Shark to the System" by Gary W. Olson Rad had been swimming in the depths of the ocean all night, and his whole body ached. Being a shark was no picnic, that was for sure. There weren't even any divers around for him to snack on. Swimming next to him, Wonder Grunion urged him onwards. "Come, Rad," he said. "I believe we are not far from the Wand of Power." "Like, how do you know?" Rad asked. "When I am in the sea, I am one with it, and can feel its rhythms and pulses," the Grunion replied. "That, and we've reached the first of the fast food tourist traps." He pointed to a restaurant on the sea floor, it's neon 'Wand-o-Power Burgerama' sign blinking on and off. As they approached the undersea city, it became increasingly apparant that, like Kalamazoo, the city would be entirely overlooked if not for a particular incident, like a recorded Elvis appearance, or being the residence of the Wand of Power. A few nice homes were mixed in among the Wand-of-Power theme parks, hotels, casinos, restaurants, horse tracks, and pubs. "So, like, where is the wand thing?" Rad asked. "The light is moving towards the hub of the city," Wonder Grunion replied. "We should be visualizing it soon." Rad and the Grunion swam on, unaware that they were being followed. ----------------------------------------------------------------- "Excellent cream of coconut," Manny said. "Can I have another helping?" "Why, certainly, dear boy," Mrs. Howell said. "Hand your coconut over." "Not bad, ma'am," Badass said. "Come on, Chalandra," Key said. "Have some coconut cream pie. It's delicious. Right, Gilligan?" "Oh, y-y-yes," Gilligan replied. "Would you like more? I can go get your coconuts - er, I mean, more coconuts." "Would you, Gilligan?" Key cooed. Gilligan jumped up, nearly losing his hat, and ran backwards, and fell over a log, prompting laughs from the laugh track. The Skipper rushed to take his place fawning over Key and Yury. "I'm...not that hungry this evening," Chalandra answered. "You haven't had opportunity to eat all night," GLADYS reminded her. "Maybe later," Chalandra said. She excused herself from the table and told everyone she was going to take a stroll and get some fresh air. As she left the table she heard the Professor ask Badass how he had come to be anthropomorphized, but was too far away to hear the answer. He was here, she knew. Lurking in the darkness of the jungle. How he had gotten here was a ponderable question, but answers would eventually come. She moved deeper into the jungle, unaware that she was being followed. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Paranoia started to lash out, but found himself assailed by doubts regarding whether he was *really* the victim of an international, nay, intergalactic conspiracy to persecute him. Thus robbed of the foundation of his being, he was easy pray for a swift karate chop to the shoulder from Healer, knocking him out. "Cavalry's arrived, I see," Galaxy Hunter said. "Greetins, Liz, Gary. It's been quite a while since Hogsville, hasn't it?" "That it has," Elizabeth Tirkoff, aka Healer, said. "About 70 episodes." "68, to be exact," Gary Shapiro, aka Faith, corrected her. "Thanks, Faith," Healer said. "You okay, Glum?" "Yeah," Glum replied, though her eyes looked a bit dazed. "Paranoia was torturing her before you arrived," Galaxy Hunter told them. "Void knows what he did to her, but it doesn't appear permanent." "I'll take a look at her when we get out of here," Healer assured him. "Faith, teleport us out of here." The group vanished, but then reappeared split-seconds later. "There was an intense field of skepticism," Faith told her. "Like the one that the Skeptic developed last summer?" Healer asked. Faith nodded. "Well, either the Skeptic is working for Dana, or, more likely, she has simply pirated his invention for her own purposes. Looks like we'll have to tough this one out." "All I need is power for my armor," Hunter replied. "They couldn't remove it, 'cause of all the booby traps, though they took my gun." "Okay," Healer said. "Faith, you have the power to power up Galaxy Hunter's armor and computer systems." Faith nodded, and, through his power of Belief, sent an intense jolt of power into Hunter's armor. "Wow," Hunter, a bit dazed, replied. "That did it. I'm at 100%." "What did you do?" Glum asked Eivandt. "I thought you had no powers." "An operation from the Skeptic originally gave me the powers of Doubt," Eivandt explained. "When Liz 'healed' me following our first encounter, I lost those powers. Apparantly, when Faith reformed my body after our run-in with Surplus Man, I regained my powers, only they weren't so intense that I couldn't control them. Since then, I've been training to become a bona-fide hero." "Apparantly, my healings are reversible," Healer said. "Not surprising, really, but it means that any villain who's powers I've 'healed' could regain their powers, which complicates things enormously." "You can fill us in on the rest later," Hunter said. "Right now, let's concentrate on gettin' out of here." The group left into the corridor, unaware that they were being followed. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Akane watched Dar enter the cubicle, and tried to will her arms and legs to move, but they stubbornly refused. She tried to open her mouth to speak, to scream, but she could only breathe angrily. She wore the clothing he had conjured for her, yet she felt naked under his cold gaze. Dimly, she was aware she had fallen asleep and had dreams of Maury Povich, although she had no idea why. "Be still, my dear," Dar said in his patient, New Englandish accent. "This will take a while." Akane felt her mind twist inside out, and heard her lungs scream. ----------------------------------------------------------------- The light went into what looked to be a cathedral-sized hunk of rock For a moment, Rad and Wonder Grunion were confused, until they saw there was a huge enterance at the base of the gate, and various aquatic beings were paying for enterance. "Uh oh," Rad said. "I have no cash." "It seems the time/" Wonder Grunion said, "for a silly rhyme/ so skip all the flash/ and give us some cash." Some cut, woven leaves appeared in Wonder Grunion's hand. He tried to give some to Rad, but Rad, having only fins, couldn't grip his share. So, WG tucked it in Rad's spandex bathing cap, and they got in line. They noticed a group of green clumps getting in line after them, but Rad paid no heed to this sign of danger. After entering the huge, hollowed-out cathedral-sized hunk of rock, Rad and the Grunion joined one of the tours, where they learned the long history of the Wand, which mostly consisted of various wizards who had used it, wars fought over it, all of which was generally uninteresting as most of it was wars in the undersea kingdoms, over coral rights and cute goldfish. Finally, they arrived at the shrine of the Wand of Power itself. "Here it is," their guide, a squid with an annoyingly nasal voice, told them. "Four hundred years ago, during the Hundred Oysters War, it was sealed in this transparant, magickal substance - harder than steel, plastic or ceramic - unbreakable, except by the Foretold One." "Er, like, how is the Foretold One, like supposed to break, like, this magickal substance?" Rad asked. "That has been lost to history," the squid said, perturbed that the rhythm of his speech had been disturbed by a shark with a weird coloring. "And now, gaze upon the magesty, the infinite might, and the general neatness of...the Wand of Power!" The curtain was drawn back, and everyone could see it. It was encased in a pillar of what appeared to be solid, clear plastic, although it looked much stronger. Rad saw what had brought him here, these many many miles under the sea. "Like, dude," he said. "That's a TV/VCR remote control, like, y'know?" "Listen, if you're going to blaspheme like that," the squid suggested, "why don't you go outside? Lots of people are paying to see it, you know." "No, let them stay," one of the green globs said. "Why?" the squid asked, completely flustered now. "We believe that one of these two may be the Foretold One,"the glob said. "We are the Guardians of the WandLore," another of the fungus-encrusted globs spoke up. "These two followed a glowing light to the wand, a light that now glows around the wand itself." Everyone looked to the wand. It indeed was surrounded by a glow. Gasps of awe abounded. "What if neither of us are the Foretold One?" Wonder Grunion asked. "Then we kill you for blaspheme," a green glob replied. "Great," Grunion muttered to Rad. "Fungi-mentalists. I hate these guys." In a louder voice, he said, "Okay, here goes: 'Great Master Presbyterian/ if me you be hearin'/ take a look 'round this pond/ and untrap that Wand.'" They waited, but nothing happened. "The magick is too strong," the Grunion admitted. "Even my powers cannot dislodge it." "Then we shall kill you," a fungi-mentalist said. The green globs crowded forward. Rad tried to clear them off with psychokinetic bursts, but found himself devoid of psychokinetic power. He smiled desperately. At that moment, the glare from his immaculate teeth reflected off a mirror, and sliced through to the wand, causing it to glow with a spectacular energy that blinded everyone present. When it subsided, the Wand rested on the sea floor, the magickal encasing nowhere in evidence. "He did it!" one of the fungi-mentalists exclaimed. "He is the Foretold One!" another exulted. "So, like, now what?" Rad asked. "Do ya, like, worship me, like, y'know?" "No, we kill you!" the fungi-mentalists shouted in unison, almost passing out from the sheer joy of the moment. "Pardon?" Wonder Grunion asked, as Rad swam over to the Wand, which did indeed remarkably resemble a TV/VCR remote control, and tucked it under his spandex bathing cap. "The Lore says that when the Foretold One is revealed," a fungi- mentalist answered, "we must kill him, as he will have made the one who encased the Wand in the first place look like a yutz. So, prepare to die!" "I think now would be a good time to depart," the Grunion suggested. "I agree, dude," Rad said, and the two swam quickly past the surprised fungi-mentalists and other assorted onlookers, and out of the structure, quickly pursued by the fungi-mentalist minions. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Chalandra felt like she had walked for hours when she finally came to the cave. She paused for a moment, certain she had heard someone behind her. Hiding, she waited for her pursuer. Manny stumbled into the clearing moments later. He looked around - although the moon was full, there was little light, and he could barely see. Chalandra put a hand on his shoulder. "Eeeeeyaaagh!" Manny yelped. "Sssssh!" Chalandra hissed. "It's just me." "Oh, phwew," Manny said. "You scared me." "What are you doing out this far?" Chalandra asked. "Hey, I was worried about you," Manny replied. "You've been acting bizarre ever since we arrived in the tv dimension." "Sorry," Chalandra said. "It's just that, I know he's here." "'He?'" Manny asked. "'He' who?" But Chalandra was already walking into the pitch dark cave. "H-hey! Wait!" The cave was black as coffee, and Manny stumbled onward into it, his eyes slowly adjusting. After an eternity, he bumped into someone. "Sorry, 'Chal," Manny apologized. "Why'd you stop all of a sudden?" Then he felt a hand on the back of his neck, pulling him back. He stumbl back out of control, and felt someone's arm around his back and shoulders. "Stay back, Manny," Chalandra, the owner of the arm, said. Manny was about to ask why, until Chalandra lit a torch, casting light on the person Manny had unwittingly bumped into. "My former disciple flatters me with caution," Dracula, Lord of the Vampires, said smoothly. "Unfortunately, for her and you, it will be wasted, as you are both mine now." HOW DID DRACULA MAKE IT TO GILLIGAN'S ISLAND? WILL RAD AND WONDER GRUNION BE KILLED BY THE FUNGI-MENTALISTS? WHAT IS DAR DOING TO AKANE? WILL GLUM AND CO. ESCAPE FROM THE MUUUAHAHAHANS? WILL GILLIGAN FIND THOSE COCONUTS FOR KEY? ALL THIS AND THE JAWS OF LIFE ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! [and don't forget the adventures of the Renegade Anarchists on SfStory!] ========================================================================= Date: 25 Apr 1991 13:24:07 Subject: It's a crap server From: talk hard -- so be it <34EPWQL@CMUVM> [Okay, this is the *third* time I've tried to send this damn part one of Rad episode eighty-seven out. Does NICBBS have a death wish, I wonder? I suspect we'll find out shortly...-auth] RAD #87: "Power to the People" by Gary W. 'food folks and fun' Olson When we last left Rad and Wonder Grunion, they were deep in the Pacific Ocean. Rad had been transformed by Dar into a shark, a crap shark at that, for the express purpose of locating the Wand of Power. They're still there, and Rad has the Wand of Power,not that it's doing him much good at the moment. "Are you *sure* this is where you first appeared?" Wonder Grunion asked. "Like, I think so," Rad answered. "I remember that, like, coral reef like, over there, like, y'know? The one that, like, looks like an aerial like, view of, like, Milton Friedman?" "Now that you mention it," WG said, "I see the resemblence. But if we stay here much longer--ow!--we may not last to tell the Weekly World Schmooze about it--ow!" As the Ninjafish continued hurling their throwing starfish, Rad and the Grunion looked about for some cover, but none was to be seen. "Death to the Foretold One!" a fungi-mentalist bellowed. As the Ninjafish fell back, card sharks swam forward, attempting to cash in our heroes' chips. Rad aced a couple by swatting them with his tail, and Wonder Grunion dealt the rest of them out of the fight with concussions. "Like, my Cod," Rad said. "I swordfish Dar would hurry up and, like teleport me, like, back to Nevada." "What was that?" WQ inquired. "I think I've lost my herring." "Egad!" exclaimed one of the Ninjafish. "Bad fish puns! Flee!" "Like, we're not doing this, like, on porpoise," Rad told the fleeing Ninjafish. "On, like, what grounds do you, like, bass this accusation?" "Swim away!" some of the fungi-mentalists' thugs screamed. "There goes their hired mussel," WG said. "Maybe now they'll clam up." "Stop that fleeing, you fools," the fungi-mentalists shouted at the retreating aquatic creatures. It was no use. "Very well," the lead fungi-mentalist shouted. "We'll subdue you ourselves." "Like, why don't you just, like, squid while you're ahead," Rad asked. A couple of the round fungus-encrusted blobs appeared shaken, but most of them (numbering well in the hundreds), started closing in. Rad shook some of them off, so did Wonder Grunion. But, like televangelists and leeches, they fastened on tightly and refused to let go. "It's getting difficult...to breathe," the Grunion said. "Like, mmmmph," Rad replied. "Maybe...a poem," WG said. "Yes, a poem: roses are...red...violets... are...green...no, wait...uh...take us away...er...Calgon? No, that just... doesn't...rhyme..." There was a flash of light, and both Wonder Grunion and Rad disappead. The fungi-mentalists remained, and looked around in vain for their foes. "Dang!" one of them cursed ineffectively. "I thought we had them coral-ed for sure." He was pelted with a large variety of undersea debris. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Dana Wader kneed Doubt, aka Eivandt Seconds, in a tender region and turned to face off against Healer. Healer concentrated, attempting to pierce Dana's psychic shields, but found them too strong. "I knew I shouldn't have left the skepticism field off," Dana growled, referring to the force field that kept Faith from teleporting himself, Healer, Glum and Galaxy Hunter out of the Muuuahahahan pocket universe into their own. "Whatever was I thinking?" "Evil thoughts of conquering our galaxy, no doubt," Healer replied, blocking a laser blast with a reflective panel. "Of course," Dana said. "Silly me, however do I forget these things." She charged and tackled Healer, sending them flying into a group of StormUndDrangTroopers, causing their rifles to misfire and spilling their drinks. Dana and her thugs had caught up to Faith & co. while they were cutting through one of the enlisted troops' lounges on their way to the dimensional rift generators, and the battle was raging, though some of the more inebriated participants were mistaking it for 'happy hour.' "Hey!" Ted Danson said as another couple of troopers crashed into his bar. "Some of us work here, you know." "Excuse me," Faith said. "Could you make me a blue motorcycle?" "Why, er, sure," Danson replied. He pushed a few buttons, and the aforementioned intoxicating beverage popped out of a dispenser. "That'll be 28 happy points." "Put it on my tab," Faith replied. To Danson's amazement, the drink changed before his eyes into a huge, Harley-type motorcycle, with neon-blue paint just about everywhere. Using his tremendous suspension of disbelief, Faith hurled the motorcycle into a charging group of StormNinjas, crushing them to the ground. "Er, no problem," Danson said, suddenly finding an excuse to run off and check his toupee. "We've got to do something," Glum told her uncle, Galaxy Hunter. "They'll overwhelm us in a few moments." She dodged and electrocuted a group of Northwest pilots as they lunged for the alcoholic beverages on the bar behind her. "I've got an idea," Galaxy Hunter replied. "Are you up to zapping Dana with enough juice to stun her for a few moments?" "I--I guess so," Glum replied, hesitating only briefly. Healer and Dana rolled into range, bowling over StormUndDrangTroopers and whomever else was in their path. Glum let loose with a huge blast of electricity, sizzling both fighters. In the smokey post-blast, Galaxy Hunter lifted one of Dana's armored breast plates and reached under. "Hey, stop that, you pervert," a Spatulan on a nearby bar stool said. Hunter ignored her and withdrew a small, odd-looking device. "What is it?" Doubt, just recovering from his painful injury, asked. "It's Dana's portable dimensional door generator," Hunter told them. "She must have used a similar device to escape Planet New Jersey, where we thought we had incarcerated her. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to operate it." "And you never will!" Dana hissed. "Give it back!" She lunged at Hunter, who, at the last second tossed it to Eivandt. "Hey, Faith," he said. "You know how to work this thing?" "I know how to work this thing," Faith replied, his eyes glowing with the power of Belief. He took it from Doubt and started pushing buttons on it faster than Eivandt could follow. Suddenly, and without warning, a dimensional door opened up in the middle of a game of quarters, ending that battle fairly quickly. "Everyone through, quick," Doubt called out. "Where does it go to?" Glum asked. "It goes to New Jersey, where we came in," Doubt said, loud enough for Faith to hear. Still unsure, Glum climbed onto the table and walked through. A solid punch from Dana coupled with some incredibly convenient aerodynamics sent Galaxy Hunter hurtling through the opening. Doubt clamored through, and motioned for Faith to follow. Faith picked up Healer, still stunned from Glum's blast, put her over his shoulder, and stepped through the dimensional door. As Dana charged, it blipped out of existance, and Dana, inexplicably, ended up tackling Roddy McDowell. CONTINUED IN PART TWO IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING... ========================================================================= Date: 24 Apr 1991 03:18:45 Subject: Rad 87 part two From: talk hard -- so be it <34EPWQL@CMUVM> CONTINUED FROM PART ONE... Chalandra opened her eyes to find the sun setting, and to notice that she was tied to a pole in the middle of where Gilligan and his friends lived. She recalled confronting her old mentor, Dracula, who had surprisingly turned up on the "Gilligan's Island" tv show, in which Chalandra, Manny Seconds, Badass, Key and Yury had been imprisoned by the magicks of Dar. Then, someone had hit her with a prized blow to the head, and all had gone black. Apparantly, an entire night had passed while she had been out. "You okay, doll?" Badass asked. He too was tied to a pole. Chalandra saw that all five of them were tied to poles, to form a pentagonal shape. "No damage," Chalandra replied. "What happened?" "There was a drug in the coconuts," Badass told her. "We were out colder than cheap gin in an icebox." "Ah, the darlings are awake," Mrs. Howell said. "So nice of you to join us." "Are you sure, luv, that we can't drink any of their blood?" Mr. Howell asked. "I'm sure we can work out a deal. How much is blood going for these days, anyway?" "Now, Thurston," Mrs. Howell said. "Control your appetite." "Excuse me," Manny asked. "But are you guys all vampires?" "No, just us two," Mr. Howell told him. "That Dracula fellow said two was all he would need." "'The Howells are not what they seem,'" Manny said, remembering the note he had received in Rad #48. "So *that's* what that note means..." "Indeed," Dracula said, emerging from the Professor's hut. "When the fellow I sent my psychic message to, Kaoru Moroboshi, sent the note to you, I had high expectations it would be followed up on right away. But, it appears he had been in a delirium at the time, and didn't get the whole message. No matter. You are here now, and I can proceed with my plan." "What plan, you fiend?" Key snarled. Dracula stood very close to her, forcing Key to twist her head away from his foul breath. "I was trapped here," Dracula said, "when Rad speared me through the heart with a wooden stake, into a tv-screen that at the moment had a close-up of Patrick Swayze [see Rad 24-auth]. Like other souls, I went to Hell. However, due to a bet I had won against Satan T. Lucifer Jones five centuries ago, he was obligated to send me back to the digest I came from, still undead. Unfortunately, he was still a bit bitter about losing the bet, and, instead of sending me to regular reality, he sent me to the tv-dimension, specifically this show. "After a while, I became ingrained with the fabric of the tv dimension and could only come out at nights. That's why you, Chalandra, were not affected by the sun - you're not yet part of the fabric. Unfortunately, since previous visits to this show by Rad, the Awesome Force and Cmdr. Riker's party all occured during the day, I couldn't make use of their being here. Until now. "With you here, I can finally invoke the power of the native god Ri-Rhan Hel, and create a portal away from the tv dimension back to the superguy dimension. He requires that I form a pentagon of five people who have not been ingrained into the fabric of the tv dimension." "That's where we come in," Chalandra noted. "Yes, my former disciple," Dracula said. "Quite correct. Unfortunately you won't survive the process. Gilligan! Bring me the blood of the witch doctor who happened upon the island a couple of episodes ago." Gilligan nervously brought the pot of blood to the tall, legendary vampire. "H-here you go, m-m-Mr. Dracula," he said. "D-didn't you say they'd be unharmed, that they'd just take our places on the show?" "Gilligan," Dracula sighed. "Don't you want to escape the tedium of endless reruns?" Gilligan nodded meekly. "Isn't that worth a few useless lives?" "Well, I don't know..." Gilligan replied. "It's not that we don't want to escape," the Skipper said. "You just didn't say anything about anyone getting hurt in the process." "You dare disobey me?" Dracula thundered. Gilligan and the Skipper cowered. "Get back! I'm going to start the ceremony, and I'll brook no interference from the likes of you." "Ooooh," Ginger cooed. "You say such strong things, Dracie." "Jeez," Yury commented. "What a bimbo." Manny arched an eyebrow. With ritual incantations and clapping coconuts, the ceremony began. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Rad and Wonder Grunion appeared in on a plush carpet of a very expensive and bizarre looking penthouse hotel suite. Rad flopped around a bit, still in shark form. Then, in a poof of smoke, he changed back to his human, superlatively tanned form. "Like, whew," Rad remarked. "I just, like, swam from the Pacific, y'know, and, like, boy, are my fins, like, tired." "Excellent," Dar, Rad's evil fraternal twin brother, answered. "By the way, why are you wearing your spandex tights on your head?" "I, like, am?" Rad asked. As he put them back on, he remembered that they had been transformed into a bathing cap when Dar had transformed him into a shark, and grinned sheepishly. "Now, who's your friend here?" Dar asked. "I am known by many names," Wonder Grunion said. "Unfortunately, the only one I recognize is Wonder Grunion." "Ah, well, back to the Pacific with you," Dar said. "Er, could you make it the Atlantic?" the Grunion asked. "Why not?" Dar said cheerfully. "Off you go!" With a few slippery words and complicated hand gestures, Wonder Grunion disappeared. "Like, what did you, like, do that for?" Rad asked. "Same reason I sent your friends away," Dar replied. "To keep them out of my hair. Don't worry, your Grunion friend is in the Atlantic, as I promised. Your friends, however, are locked in the tv dimension somewhere." "You, like, most heinous evil dude," Rad said. "Essentially so," Dar said. "Now...hand over the Wand of Power." Rad looked at the Wand, which he held in his hand. It looked almost exactly like a Sharp TV/VCR remote control. "Like, no, dude," Rad said. "I'm going to use this thing, like, to cure my, like, sister and, like, rescue my friends." "Oh, come now," Dar chuckled. "What do you know of magick?" Rad started fiddling with some of the buttons. Suddenly, the entire penthouse was violently redecorated in neo-country teakwood, and the ground shook. Rad pressed more buttons and two indoor lacrosse teams stormed through the room and out one of the plate glass windows. The ground shook again. "Hey, give me that!" Dar ordered. "That's a lethal implement of destruction! If you don't know what you're doing, you might hurt somebody!" "Like, cure Akane, dude, or the next zap goes, like, on you," Rad warned, pointing the business end of the Wand at Dar. Dar gulped. "Okay, you win," he said. "Akane, dear, could you come in here?" Before Rad's disbelieving eyes, Akane Moroboshi, his stepsister, walked into the room. She passed a geiger counter, which didn't register a thing, and came to stand directly in between Rad and Dar. "Like, Akane, sis," Rad said. "Move, like, out of the way, like, y'know?" Akane didn't move, and her face remained impassive. Dar's face showed total triumph. "I lied to you, my incredibly dense though admittedly well-tanned brother," Dar said. "I did indeed posess the power to cure your stepsister, as you can plainly see. But I did more than that. I twisted her mind so that she is my servant, and will obey my every command." "Like, no way," Rad said. "Yes way!" Dar insisted. "No way!" Rad replied. "Yes wa--stop that!" Dar growled. "Akane, take the Wand of Power from Rad. Don't worry, he won't use it against you, he cares about you too much." Rad tensed up - Dar, of course, was right. "I hear and obey," Akane said mechanically. She fired a blinding bolt of energy from her hand, and Rad found himself hurtling through the night sky, blown clear of the penthouse by the sheer force of the blast. Righting himself using his psychokinetic powers, he flew back towards the opening in the wall. He saw Akane standing there, glowing. Then, she jumped. Unhesitatingly, Rad dove after her plummeting form. He caught her just before she hit the ground. Lowering to ground level, he looked at her. "Thanks, bro," she said. Rad noted that her eyes had unclouded, and her voice had grown warm again. "Like, anytime, sis," he said, embracing her warmly. After a few seconds, it began to become painfully warm. Rad tried to break free, but found his muscles too weak to respond. He looked at Akane, who had a look of malevolent glee on her face, in alarm. As she increased the flow of radiation into his body, Rad felt his grip on consciousness fading. WILL DAR FINALLY OBTAIN THE WAND OF POWER? WILL AKANE FOREVER BE HIS SERVANT? WILL FAITH PAY HIS BAR TAB? WHAT WILL GLUM AND CO. DO WHEN THEY FIND THE STARSHIP IS MISSING? WILL MANNY & CO. BE SACRAFICED TO THE GOD OF RERUNS? WILL WE BE FORCED TO LISTEN TO MORE OLD FISH PUNS? ALL THIS AND OTHER ANSWERS, PERCH-ANCE, ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 27 Apr 1991 20:49:56 Subject: Rad 88: Scenes from the Class Struggle in Las Vegas From: talk hard -- so be it <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #88: "Scenes from the Class Struggle in Las Vegas" by Gary W. Olson As the ceremony progressed, the Professor ducked back into his hut. GLADYS turned and looked at him with emerald green glowing eyes. "Can you look somewhere else?" the Professor said. "Those eyes of yours make me experience odd, repulsive sensations." "If you would let me leave," GLADYS replied. "I'd be glad to not look." "It's just that you're so technologically advanced!" the Professor enthused. "By taking you apart, I could understand advanced interstellar technology, and possibly build a starship for getting back home!" "Out of what?" GLADYS asked. "Our huts!" the Professor went on, obviously charmed by the idea of explaining his idea to someone who would understand. "We tie them all together with vines from the jungle, and use the jungle sap as fuel..." "Why don't you just build a raft?" inquired GLADYS. "A raft!" the Professor said, stunned. "Even better! But how?" "Tell you what," GLADYS said. "Let me go, and I'm sure something will happen." She looked at the Professor, then at the contraption that generated the subspace interference that kept most of her android body from working properly. Such a device would normally be impossible to build, but this was the television dimension. The Professor mulled the idea over. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Glum flew into the sky, attempting to find her star yacht, but it had disappeared from the region. Apparantly, Rad and his friends had taken off somewhere, no doubt to find some way to rescue her. She flew back down to where Galaxy Hunter, Faith, Healer and Doubt stood, the remains of an abandoned New Jersey warehouse which, until recently, had been the main link the Muuuahahahans had with this dimension. "No luck, eh?" Hunter said. Glum shook her head. "Maybe he went to consult Andy Awesome," Healer theorized. "He doesn't know where Hartford is, Elizabeth," Glum said. "Even with a map, he has a breathtaking propensity for getting lost." "Why don't we just have Faith teleport us to the ship?" Doubt asked. "Sounds workable," Liz said. "Faith, teleport us to the main lounge of Glum's star yacht." Faith smiled, and the scenery around them changed. "Well, we're here," Glum said, noting the regal decorations on the walls and the pizza boxes scattered around the room. "But where's darling?" They found the landing ramp down and they walked out. They gasped as the lights and sounds of casinos, hotels and more casinos loomed haughtily. "I don't get it," Liz said. "What's he doing here?" "He disappears, and this is the first place he goes to?" Glum growled, starting to turn a bit redder. Lightning bolts shot out of her hands and scorched the concrete of the parking lot the star yacht was currently hogging. "I'm sure there's a good reason," Hunter assured her. "I'm searching for him telepathically," Liz told them. "Aha! Found him. He's unconscious in the penthouse suite." "I knew it!" Glum snapped. "Well, let's see him talk his way out of *this* one..." Furiously, she took to the air, ignoring Healer's pleas for her to wait. Galaxy Hunter mumbled something unpleasant in an alien tongue and shot after her. "Shall I teleport ourselves after them?" Faith inquired. "Guess," Doubt replied. "Uhh...the workers control the means of production?" Faith asked. "The struggle of the urban proletariat?" "Teleport us up there, Faith," Healer said. "Dang, I guess I don't get the lounge suite, then," Faith said. The scenery shifted again, this time becoming the very expensive penthouse, owned, apparantly, by someone with a very eccentric, New Englandish approach to interior decor mixed with an almost French hint of tackiness. "Oh, my," Dar said. "I don't believe we've met. I'm Dar, Rad's evil fraternal twin brother and mad sorcerer. You are?" "We," Liz said. "Are the crack government fighting force known as Faith & Healer. This is our associate, Doubt." Doubt bowed. "And these two are Glum and Galaxy Hunter." As she spoke, Glum and Galaxy Hunter entered through the large hole in what had once been a wall. "Building's bigger'n I thought," Glum said. "Where's that no-good..." "Right here, my dear," Dar said, indicating Rad with what appeared to be a remote control. Rad looked stunned, which was not unusual, though this time he actually *was* stunned. He was quite marvelously tanned, even moreso than usual, given the high volume of radiation he absorbed. "And now, I think it's time to say goodbye to all of you," Dar said. "Alaca--ca--you know, maybe this isn't such a good idea after all. Maybe just ordering out for pizza would be best. Or no, not pizza..." While Dar reeled under the effects of Doubt's psychic attack, Healer, Glum and Faith attempted to subdue the incredibly pale villain. A blast of intense heat knocked them backwards. "Ah, thank you, Akane," Dar said. Akane Moroboshi walked into the room, and smiled pleasantly at the assembled heroes. "But, Akane!" Glum said. "Rad is your stepbrother! You've known him all your life! How can you betray him like this?" "Oh, it's not her fault, my dear," Dar said. "I converted her to a life of evil. Her control of radiation across the spectrum is quite remarkable, I must say. Now, pay attention!" He held up the TV/VCR remote. "This here is the Wand of Power. I had my doltish though impeccably tanned brother locate it for me under the idea that I would use it to heal his stepsister and rescue you. If he had much in the way of wits, he could have figured out I was lying, but he did not." "Where are the others?" Glum asked. "Oh, Rad's friends," Dar said, as if someone had just reminded him that Millard Fillmore was, in fact, dead. "I dispatched them to the television dimension somewhere. Anyway, as I was saying, this Wand of Power makes me the most powerful person on Earth, possibly beyond. Now, I offer you a simple ultimatum: leave, or I will turn Rad into an exact replica of Mel Gibson." Shouts of "no, no, not that!" failed to ring through the penthouse. "Oh dear," Dar said. "I always found Mel fairly repulsive." "What about Bob Vila?" Faith said. "He's unpleasant." "Very well, Bob Vila it is," Dar said. He pushed a button on the remote, and Rad changed into Bob Vila. "This place is not a mess," Vila automatically said. "Would you like some Sears Craftsman tools? They're handy around the house, and fun in bed, too!" Dar pressed another button, and Vila changed back into Rad. "The choice," he said triumphantly, "is yours." ----------------------------------------------------------------- As a huge, swirling, sort of neo-post modern revolving vortex thing appeared in the pentagon, Chalandra became concerned. Dracula smiled. "Yuuuuuuuury," Key said. "I don't like this..." "I dunno, Key," Yury replied. "It reminds me of that party we had in the Parliament building last summer. The old Parliament building, I mean, not the one they had to build to replace it after the party." Badass' eyes narrowed. Manny appeared like he wanted to find a nice quiet place to engage in reverse consumption. "There *are* other ways of getting out of the tv dimension," Chalandra said. "You could try to get over to Star Trek and get Q to break the dimensional barrier." "It's too late for that," Dracula said. "I'm trapped on this show, and this is the only way I know to get out. Besides, it's fun. Unfortunately for you, the disruptions caused by the characters of this show jumping into the vortex and leaving the show will likely kill you and sink the island. But look on the bright side: at least you won't have to act." "I say, my good lad," Mr. Howell said, his vampirish teeth glowing with the eerie reflection of the vortex. "Can we be going now? I hear Trump needs a loan,and I think I can spare a few billion out of petty cash for him." "I don't know," Mary Ann said. "I want to go back, but not at the expense of killing all these people. It's just not right!" "Yeah!" Ginger shouted. "Ah...what she said!" "Very well, stay and die if you like," Dracula said. "I'm going!" "Not so fast!" GLADYS commanded. Beside her, the Professor cringed. "Professor you fool!" Dracula said. "Why did you let her go!" "She's everything I've ever dreamt of in a woman," the Professor said. "Beautiful! Strong! Incredibly intelligent! And she comes with interchangeable microprocessors!" "The doll's not your only concern, paleface," Badass said. Dracula turned around and got a solid fist to the face, knocking him down. "When you disarmed me," Badass said, "you missed my hidden swiss knife." The anthropomorphized donkey mercenary displayed said swiss knife. One by one, the blades popped out: a main blade, a smaller blade, a cork screw, a bottle opener, a ginsu blade, and the optional rocket launcher. "Don't forget about us!" Key and Yury said. Dracula ducked, as they fired a stunning amount of bullets into the hut behind him. The hut crumbled into dust. Behind them, Gilligan and the Skipper cheered them on. "Gilligan! Skipper!" Mrs. Howell said. "Why did you untie them?" "Well, gee, Mrs. Howell," Gilligan replied. "It just seemed that they were so nice, and, it would be bad to kill them, and..." "That was easy," said Chalandra. Dracula, not quite sure what to make of all this, turned again. "You know, ropes are really useless when a girl can turn into a fine mist." Everyone turned to look at Manny, still tied up. "What?" he asked. "Hey, I'm working on it, okay?" "Here," Chalandra said, slashing Manny's ropes and catching him as he fell. Dracula, realizing that he was becoming vastly outnumbered, decided it was about time to try the vortex. Diving in, he shouted a parting curse. "We'll meet again!" he shouted. "And next time, no more Mr. Nice Vampire!" He vanished, and a furious storm suddenly swept over the night sky of Gilligan's Island. "It's a hurricane!" Mary Ann called out. "Quick, everyone into the huts!" "But...but..." Mr. Howell said. "I...say, I've just realized. I'm no longer a vampire, love." "Me neither, Thurston," Mrs. Howell replied. "The departure of that nasty man must have lifted the curse. Come along, dear. We'll count your money while we wait for the storm to pass." "Thanks for untying us," Key said to Gilligan. "Well, gee," Gilligan replied. "We should get to the shelter. Are you still going to try to get back to your dimension?" Key nodded. "Well, good luck, girls," the Skipper said. "We'll be thinking of you." "Awwww, that's so sweet," Yury said. She gave the Skipper a peck on the cheek, and Key did the same for Gilligan. They watched as Key, Yury, GLADYS, Chalandra, Manny and Badass all dove into the vortex, which disappeared moments later. Gilligan and the Skipper sighed in unison. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Glum was about to reply when a thunderclap distracted them. A vortex opened in the ceiling of the penthouse, as vortexes are wont to do, and Dracula fell out, landing on Dar, making him drop the Wand of Power, which skidded somewhere and was quickly lost to sight. Moments later, Chalandra, Manny, Badass, GLADYS, Key and Yury fell through, and the vortex disappeared. "Ach, my aching head," Dar said, sitting up. "Are you okay?" he asked his freeze-dried cat, who had skittered under the couch. "Fangs a lot," Dracula said. "We're back where we started," Chalandra said. "Hi, Glum." "Nice of you to stop by," Glum said. "Where'd the Wand of Power go?" "You mean this wand, my dear?" Dana Wader asked. Everyone turned (there seems to be a lot of this turning business going on in this episode, don't you think?) and stared, slack-jawed, at Dana Wader and her contingent of Muuuahahahan StormUndDrangTroopers, along with Paranoia, Quaker Oatmeal Guy and the Wind. Dana held the Wand of Power in her hand. "You forgot to disable the tracking device in the portable dimension rift generator you stole from me," Dana told Galaxy Hunter. Rad, who had just regained consciousness, looked around in a great amount of confusion. "Like, should I ask," he said. "Or just start fighting and ask, like, questions later, like, y'know?" Just do what you're best at, Rad. "Oh, like, okay, dude." So the biggest battle ever to be held in the penthouse suite of an expensive Las Vegas hotel began. WILL DANA WADER FIGURE OUT HOW TO OPERATE THE WAND OF POWER? WILL THE FINAL BATTLE INVOLVE MORE INDOOR LACROSSE TEAMS? ALL THIS AND THE NEXT TO THE LAST RAD EPISODE ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 03 May 1991 08:48:40 Subject: Rad 89 part one From: talk hard -- so be it <34EPWQL@CMUVM> RAD #89: "Hey, Brother, can you Spare a Donut?" by Gary W. 'Denmark has never laughed so much' Olson As Dana Wader ducked behind a corner, Quaker Oatmeal Guy hurtled overhead, propelled by one of Rad's spectacular psychokinetic blasts. The elderly, malevolent henchman bounced with a wet splut off the wall and landed on Faith and Healer. "Bah!" Dar said. "Enough of this. Wader! Give back the Wand of Power or die a horrendously, hideously painful and graphically bloody death of a thousand wounded desert rats of desolate doom!" "I must say, you have a way with words," came Dana's voice from behind the corner. "But you'll have to take it from me, honeychile." "One of my most picturesque curses and she wasn't fazed," Dar said. "What a remarkable woman she is, eh, my pet?" The freeze-dried cat, still on it's side under a couch, looked on blankly. "Oh, yes. A pity I must kill her, but she has the Wand, you know." "Will you just hurry up and attack?" Dana screeched. Dar cast a Spell of Idiots Attempting Home Remodeling. Two idiots (identifiable as idiots as they looked exactly like Vanilla Ice) appeared and knocked out the wall to put in a ceiling fan. Dar was chagrined to find that Dana was not behind the wall. The air was split with the sound of gunfire, that seemed to be coming from everywhere. Everyone was forced to take cover as gunfire raked the furniture, raked the walls, raked the rubble that used to be the furniture and walls, and raked the ceiling as it, lacking walls for support purposes, came crashing down. At the last second... "I was not the last Second," Manny Seconds interrupted. "He's right," Eivandt Seconds said. "He was born a year before me." Ahem. At the last second, Rad blasted one end of the ceiling, causing it to tip and fall over the edge of the hotel. At the bottom, it flattened a bus filled with ABC executives, prompting cheers from the crowd gathered to watch this spectacular, no-longer-cramped event. Rad looked up, aware that the gunfire had finally stopped. He saw Badass searching for a new clip for his uzis. Badass helped Rad up. "Like, dude," Rad said. "What, like, happened?" "Had'ta reload," Badass said. "Oh," Rad said. "Sorry about the mess," Badass went on. "But it was their fault." "It was *not* our fault!" Key screeched. "How were we supposed to know the only things keeping the ceiling up were those silly walls?" "Rad!" Yury exclaimed. "Er, what?" Rad asked. "I broke a nail!" "I'll call 911," Glum said sardonically. "Good idea," Dar said, rising from behind what used to be his computer desk. He had the Wand of Power in one hand and cradled Dana Wader's unconscious, armored body with the same arm. Akane Moroboshi stood next to him, in a fighting stance. Galaxy Hunter reacted first, firing his Bad Guy Killer Mark II gun at Dar. Dar deflected the bolt with a hand and prepared to push some buttons on the Wand of Power, when he suddenly froze and looked around in bewilderment. "Odd...," he mumbled. "Don't know who I am...what these buttons... being confused..." "Spam in the place where you live (ham and pork)," Manny said. "I doubt it's really meat," Eivandt said. "Quickly!" Healer said. "While Dar is bewildered and indecisive - get that Wand!" "Not so fast!" Paranoia whined, snatching the Wand from Dar. "At last, you will not be able to get to me like you've been plotting to for decades!" "Dang!" said Faith, seeming to be genuinely disappointed. "You can't use your powers of paranoia inducement on me," GLADYS said, stepping forward. Paranoia sneered and pressed some buttons on the TV/VCR remote-like Wand. Suddenly, GLADYS disappeared, to be replaced by Twikki. "Bee-boop-beep!" Twikki said. "I want to be your friend!" "No you don't!" Paranoia shrieked. "You're out to get me!" "Like, hit him!" Rad said. "While you have the chance!" He fired a psychokinetic bolt at Paranoia, which hit the Wand, causing it to fly perilously close to the edge of the now open-air penthouse. The Wind swooped up and grabbed it, only to have it knocked out of his hands by Galaxy Hunter into Chalandra's claws (Chalandra transformed herself into a bat). During the course of this, several buttons were hit randomly. As a result, a table lamp that had miraculously survived the carnage to date was spontaneously transformed into a plastic armadillo, and the crowd that had gathered in the parking lot below was mutated into the crowd that was hanging around Bartertown in Mad Max III. Clearly the Wand had great powers. "Give me that!" snarled Dana, flying up into the air after Chalandra. Rad and Galaxy Hunter flew after her, and all four collided in midair, with nothing but pavement beneath them. Chalandra transformed back into human form, and stayed aloft by clinging to Rad's shoulders. "Ha!" Dana said. "It's mine!" She pressed a button, and a passing jumbo jetliner was transformed into a biplane, which seemed to unsettle the passengers. Galaxy Hunter swung a charged fist at Dana, but hit Chalandra instead after Dana ducked her head. Chalandra lost her grip on Rad's shoulders, but, in a fairly remarkable piece of coordination, hooked her feet with Rad's and swung, trapeze-style, under Rad. As she arced upwards, she pulled out her beretta and squeezed off a shot that hit Dana's armor around the ear. The ringing seemed to last for hours. Glum started to lift off to help but was hauled back down by Quaker Oatmeal Guy, who was merely stunned. "Try some hot oatmeal!" he suggested, shooting large globs of the deadly yet nutritous mass out of his hands. "It's so healthy you could just die!" After Quaker Oatmeal Guy learned to his dismay that Oatmeal is an excellent conductor of electricity, Glum zapped The Wind, who was merely pining for the fjords, before he could say a single Murrayish thing. The Wind started to get back up when Key and Yury pushed him back down. "Hey," he whined. "Who...ooh...er...I surrender. Wow." "Stop drooling," Yury said. "Do you have any rope, Key?" "No, he'll just have to knock himself out." "Can you handle that?" Yury asked. "Let me put it this way," The Wind said. "Do the Osmonds have teeth?" "Just do it!" an inexplicably present Nike spokesperson shouted. "Right," The Wind responded, and promptly went unconscious. "What do we do?" Manny asked, as an end table next to him spontaneously changed into the Professional Bowlers Tournament. "They'll get us all wiped out before one of them wins that fight." Glum nodded. The battle between Rad, Galaxy Hunter, and Chalandra on one side and Dana, just joined by Dar, on the other side was being furiously fought. It looked sort of like a midair collision at a glue factory - everyone was stuck together to get the Wand and no one could get the others to let go. "If I may be of some assistance?" Dracula asked. Glum and Manny jumped. "Don't be alarmed." "W-w-we weren't," Manny said. "It's just that we thought the author had forgotten about you." "Apparantly I'm not that lucky," Dracula went on. "It seems that the Wand became the focus of the dimensional vortex we created to escape from the tv dimension. If it can be the end of a vortex..." "...it can be the beginning of one, too!" Glum finished. "Faith!" Healer exclaimed. "Do you know what to do?" "No," Faith said without worry. Healer sighed. "Create a vortex similar to the one that brought Manny and his friends here, one that will take the Wand to a safe place." "I can't do that," Faith protested. "Yes you can," Healer insisted, a bit of irritation in her voice. "I can do that," Faith said. "Then do that," Healer said. "Don't do that!" Akane exclaimed. "Who's that?" Dracula inquired. "Thank you Nonny Darnell," Manny said as he turned to face Akane. He suddenly found that he was getting very uncomfortably warm, and saw his skin turning purple in places, which seemed to disorient him. "What are you doing?" Glum said. "You're poisoning him with radiation!" "He opposes my Master," Akane said. "He must be destroyed!" "Faith!" Healer said. "Knock her out so I can heal her." "Okay," Faith replied, stepping forward. Unfortunately, the floor took that opportunity to change into an indoor lacrosse team, and Faith tripped and fell. Akane laughed, then froze. Dracula locked his iron gaze with Akane's for a long time, during which the lacrosse team started trying to use the remains of a closet as a goal. Healer looked at Dracula, then Akane. "Subdue her, psychic," Dracula said. Healer gulped, and moved forward, taking over a hold on Akane's mind as the power of Dracula's hypnotic gaze faded. She examined Akane's mind - the capacity to generate intense radiation she could 'heal', but the barriers that kept Akane from giving everyone within a ten mile radius an instantly lethal dose of radiation were magickal in nature, not psychic. There was no way to assure that once she started, she would be able to maintain those barriers. They seemed to be tied to the magickal energies that were twisting Akane's mind. She settled for simply knocking Akane out for the duration, and turned back to Faith, who was extricating himself from the hole in the floor just as Earl Anthony went stark raving mad on lane five and started pummelling Pete Webber with one of those bowling balls with the liquid center. Vanilla Ice and Vanilla Ice tried to install the ceiling fan in the floor, and promptly fell into someone's shower with half a lacrosse team. "This has gone far enough," Healer said. "Faith! Create that vortex and send the Wand someplace where it'll be safe from those who would use misuse it." "Sounds easy enough," Faith said. A graph appeared above Rad's head, and promptly plopped down around him. Dana tried strangling Rad with one of the edges while reaching for the Wand in his hand. Chalandra hanging onto Dana's shin, tried to bite her leg but to no avail, while Galaxy Hunter struggled to obstruct what Dana was doing. "A vortex, Faith, a vortex!" Healer yelled, exasperated. "Not a vertex!" "Oh, sorry," Faith mumbled. A huge, menacing-looking dimensional vortex opened up in front of Rad, who let go of the Wand, although not before the building next door was transformed into the Towering Inferno. The object of their struggles thus disappeared, Rad, Galaxy Hunter, Dana and Dar set back down onto what used to be the penthouse suite of the Ritz BigBucks Hotel. "Did he really have to do that?" Dar said. "Do you know how much more difficult it will be for me to kill you all? I get a headache just thinking about it." "Like, Faith dude, most excellent work, like, y'know?" Rad said. "It's about time you showed up, darling," Glum said. Rad grinned a dopish grin and leaned over to kiss Glum. Suddenly, everyone froze as they heard a loud snap. "Reloaded!" Badass exclaimed. Ten minutes later, after he exhausted his ammo, everyone stood back up again. The buildings near the hotel had a more ventilated look to them. "Like, dude, the battle's over," Rad said. "Sorry," Badass said sheepishly. "I was looking for another clip, and wasn't paying attention." Key and Yury giggled. "Now, dude," Rad said. "Help Akane or my huge friend here can continue his target practice." Badass smiled a tight smile and held up another clip. Dar became even more pale, if that was possible. "She's already safe," Dar replied. "I take it you want me to un-convert her from being my servant, then?" Rad nodded. "Very well." He moved his hands and said some words, and Akane stirred. Everyone tensed. For a few moments, a lacrosse team stormed through, obscuring everyone's view. Then, Akane stood up. CONTINUED IN PART TWO IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING... ========================================================================= Date: 03 May 1991 08:53:29 Subject: Rad 89 part two From: talk hard -- so be it <34EPWQL@CMUVM> CONTINUED FROM PART ONE... "Boy, do I have a headache," Akane said. "But I'm back to my old self, I think." She and Rad quickly embraced. Dar sneered. "I'd be careful," he advised. "With the proper training, she could be more powerful than you, brother." Rad shrugged. "Er, excuse me," Dracula said, "but can I leave now? I think 'Love at First Bite' is on USA tonight." "Why should we?" Manny said. "You tried to kill us!" "Not only that," Yury snarled. "Those ropes you tied us to those poles with left marks!" "He may have saved my life," Akane said. "I owe him one." "Yes, you do," Dracula said, his dark eyes unreadable. "And one day, beautiful Akane, I will collect the favor." Chalandra started to say something, but Dracula transformed into a bat and flew out into the night. "What did he mean?" Akane said. "Nothing kosher, I'd bet," Chalandra said. "Er, excuse me," Manny said. "But, I'm dying here, you know?" "Ohmigosh, Manny!" Akane said, whirling. "I almost forgot! I'm sorry!" "Consider yourself...forgiven," Manny said. "Manny!" Chalandra exclaimed. She knelt down and cradled his head in her lap. "Manny, I know you're only a mortal, but you're not going to die just yet! Right, Faith?" "Right," Faith said, but he wasn't looking at them. Everyone turned to see who he was staring at. "Hello," said Elvis, stepping out from behind thin air. "I just wanted to stop bah to thank you fer returnin' this thing." He held up the Wand of Power. "This thing has been missing ferever! Now ah kin change channels without having to get up off the couch." A bowling ball hurtled by a deranged Earl Anthony threatened to hit the King, but he stuck out his hand and caught the ball. "I see this thing has been causing some problems. It's only the fifth most powerful self-contained device in the universe, so it's no surprise." Rapidly, Elvis pressed buttons on the remote control. Click! The lacrosse teams disappeared. Click! The Pro Bowlers Tour disappeared. Click! Twikki changed back into GLADYS. Click! The biplane changed back into a jumbo jet, startling the passengers, who had just begun getting used to the biplane idea. Click! The plastic armadillo vanished. Click! The burning building next door started to get staticky. "Whoops," Elvis said. "Hit the tracking button bah mistake." Click! The Towering Inferno disappeared. Click! The crowd from Bartertown was replaced with the original crowd. "Wierd," Eivandt said. "They don't look different." "Now, ah heah you have ah casuahlty heah," Elvis said, striding over to Manny. He placed a hand on Manny's forehead and sang 'Heartbreak Hotel.' When he was finished, Manny's skin had healed to it's normal slightly burned look. He smiled wanly, and Chalandra said "thank you" moving her lips. "Well, ah reckon I'll be headin' out," Elvis said. "My place is ruined!" Dar moped. "All that's left is this bag of donuts!" "I'll take those," Elvis said. "Bye!" Elvis vanished with the donuts. Dar cursed and turned back to face the victorious heroes. "You may have won this round, but I'll be back," he snarled. With a wave of his hand and a few words, he disappeared. "That goes double for me," Dana said, pressing the button on her portable dimensional door generator. No dimensional door appeared. "Damn stupid device! Work, already! You worked already today!" "Problems?" Galaxy Hunter asked, trying hard not to laugh. "That dimensional door opener you stole, give it to me," Dana said. She snatched it out of Hunter's hand before he could hand it to her. "This thing's been crushed!" she noted, as she handled the smushed casing. "It happened during the battle," Hunter explained. "One whack and it's a potholder now, eh?" "But how will I get back to my dimension?" Dana asked, outraged. "There's no dimensional link to Earth anymore, and I didn't tell any of my staffers where I was going! What'll I do?" "You could always try Hollywood," Badass said. "With your temprament, doll, you'll go far." "Wise guy," Dana muttered. "Dar! I know you're watching." Nothing happened. "Dar!" Dana shouted. "I have your cat!" A magickal portal enveloped Dana. As she vanished, they saw her raising the cat by the tail, as if it were a club. "Like, mega bummer, dude," Rad said. "All the bad dudes, like, got away, like, y'know?" "We got some minor henchmen, darling," Glum said. "Speaking of whom," Healer noted. "Where's Paranoia?" A quick search revealed that he had fled, shrieking paranoid conspiracy theories about indoor lacrosse and international communism, and had passed out in a nearby 'Dairy Queen.' A few members of the liberal pinko leftist media conspiracy took pictures, but were soon forced to give them back. ----------------------------------------------------------------- The next evening, Rad called a press conference, collect. "No we will not accept any charges," the press started to say, but Rad interrupted them. "I'm, like, making an important, like, announcement, dudes," he said. The press immediately hung up and drove over to Rad's beach house, leaving the governor of California (whose name is too complicated to reproduce in public) stunned and bewildered. After the press was set up, Rad made his announcement. "I have, like, recently learned, like, that Emperor Ianonuthink of, like, the Ottsamaddawidu Confederation has suddenly died due to eating too many granola bars. They, like, reached, like, critical mass and, y'know, ripped him, like, apart inside." "For those of you keeping score," Glum said. "That means I'm now the new Empress of the Confederation, with Rad as Emperor." "Emperor Rad?" a member of the press said. "That sounds like one of those USA flicks." "Hey, save this space stuff for the Weekly World Schmooze," another member of the press said. "Is this all you called us for?" "Like, no," Rad said. "Like, not only am I, like, a super hero and, like, an intergalactic ruler, I'm also a, like, father. My line of, like work, is very, like, dangerous and I, like, won't subject Glum to, like, being kidnapped every other, like, episode just because, like, the author can't think of, like, a new plot. So, like, I've decided to resign." There were expressions of stun, shock and disbelief from the press. "Stun," said one reporter. "Shock," said another. "Dis--stop that!" said a third. "Rad, who will protect Californian ideals when you're gone?" "I'm, like, sure someone will show," Rad said. With that, the press conference ended. Reporters called in reports, battling each other for fax lines, tapping into telegraph wires, whatever they could do to announce the news. Of course, only the Weekly World Schmooze mentioned the space bit, but then, they were expected to. ----------------------------------------------------------------- "That was a good battle," Manny said. He and a whole bunch of others lounged in the living room of Rad's beach house while Rad and Glum were making their press announcement. "An excellent battle," Eivandt chimed in. "It was okay," Badass admitted. "In fact, I've been thinking," Manny started. "Alert the media," Chalandra witted. "Why don't we make this a permanent thing?" he continued. "You mean, blow up a penthouse every week?" Akane asked. "No, no," Manny said. "Form a super hero group, to fill the void left by the departures of Rad, the Awesome Force, and Sam and Bert." "Pity, I liked the penthouse blowing up idea better," Elizabeth said. "I bet these buildings blow up real good," Galaxy Hunter commented. "Didn't that DEATH KNIGHT 3000 fellow form a group earlier this week?" GLADYS asked. "And why is his name in all caps?" "He did and why not," Eivandt answered. "But let's face it, Andy Awesome has left an awesome void, and Rad is a big loss for good on this planet as well. Besides, Rad said we could use his house as a base! Just think of the tan I'll have when I hit the beach this summer!" Manny snarfed his 'Tang' at this comment. "I'd be willing to join," Chalandra said. "The private eye business sure isn't paying any bills." "Okay, that's you, me, and Eivandt," Manny said. "How about you, Akane?" "Sure!" Akane said. "Only...I'm in the middle of a graduate program at the University of Tokyo. The earliest I can transfer to, say, UCLA, is the fall semester." "That'll work," Manny said. "That's when the author comes back." "We'll join," Faith said. "Faith and I have been having differences of opinion with a Mr. Quayle back in Washington," Elizabeth said. "He wants us to spearhead a new CRASH offensive against unregistered super heroes, but we've so far refused. We'd welcome the career change." "Okay, that's six," Manny said. "Galaxy Hunter? GLADYS?" "Sorry," Galaxy Hunter said. "I'm pledged to the service of the ConFed. Besides, there's still a lot of scum in the galaxy to be gotten rid of." "And I'm pledged to serve the Lady Glum," GLADYS said. "I'll be going with her when she and Rad leave for Hottentot." "Hmmm," Manny said. "I dunno, six sounds a bit shorthanded, and we don't have much in the category of offensive weaponry..." "I'll join," Badass said nonchalantly. Manny did a doubletake. "Uh," he started. "Er...we're glad to have you, but why...?" "Merc work is leaving a bad taste in my mouth," Badass said. "Like the vamp doll here," (Chalandra bristled), "I think it's time for a career move." "Okay," Manny said. "That's seven...say, where's Key and Yury?" "It's not my fault!" Yury yelled as Key stormed into the room. "What happened?" Eivandt asked. "Prime Minister Kaifu fired us," Key said. "Just because we collapsed a few lousy overpasses and casinos in Las Vegas. I mean, really! Who does he think he is?" "Weird how he fired you for something you do on a regular basis over in Japan," Akane said. "Really!" Yury agreed. "Said that the ultimate U.S. authority complained about it, and it forced his hand." "You mean..." Faith whispered. "Yeah," Key said. "Kitty Kelly threatened to do an expose on him." "Now we're down, out, mostly naked and unemployed in Los Angeles," Yury sighed. "Join the crowd," Chalandra smirked. "We've still got room in our super group," Manny said. "Join us." "Keen!" exclaimed Key and Yury, who lept to hug Manny, only to be deflected by Chalandra, who then studiously avoided Manny's glare. "Now, all we need is a name," Manny said. Everyone thought and thought. "How about 'An Ass, A Vamp, Three Twits and Four Babes?'" Badass suggested. "What?" he said, after cans of beer were lobbed in his direction. "This is something that takes a lot of thought," Manny said. "At least, until next episode. So, here's what we should do - get extremely drunk and think up something silly. Rad, Glum and I just heard about this party that the Awesome Force is throwing. You all wanna go?" "I need some sleep," Chalandra said. "It'll be dawn, soon." "And we need to get our beauty sleep," Key and Yury said. "If we show up," Faith added, "it'll screw up Bill Paul's continuity." "Oh yeah, I forgot," Manny said. "Okay - see you all next episode then." With that, Glum, Manny and Rad took off in Glum's star yacht for Hartford... WILL THE PUBLIC COME TO ACCEPT THIS NEW SUPER HERO GROUP? WHY HAS THE AUTHOR PUT SO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS GROUP? WHAT DOES DRACULA HAVE IN MIND? WILL DAR AND DANA BE HAPPY TOGETHER? ALL THIS AND THE VERY VERY LAST RAD EPISODE ON AN UPCOMING...SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: 05 May 1991 00:38:48 Subject: Rad 90 part the first From: talk hard -- so be it <34EPWQL@CMUVM> [Somebody at NICBBS must be laughing...second send attempt on this...] RAD #90: "The Party's Over" by Gary W. 'b.y.o.b.' Olson "It's happening again, sir," the tracking systems operator said. "Very good, leiutenant," Col. Marshall said. "Record as usual." "Aye," the operator said, flicking a switch. Col. Marshall allowed himself a breif smile, then turned to report to General Hoogland, who ran the operations of the secret military base known as the Butte. "This should be the last reading we need, General," Marshall said. "After this we can analyze the data we've collected, and, with help from Certain Persons in the scientific community, we should have a working prototype of a device that can control that ship externally by autumn." "Very good," Hoogland said. "Who are these certain persons?" "That's his name, sir," Marshall said. "Dr. Certain Persons." "I--er, thank you, Marshall," Hoogland said. "That will be all." "Yes, sir." ----------------------------------------------- "Like, wow, dude," Rad said. "This Vulcan Mind Probe recipe you, like, gave me is really something. People are swinging from, like, the chandelier! I am most impressed." "Thanks, Rad," Dominic White, aka high-jinx, replied. "But you don't have any chandeliers." "Now, like, I'm even more impressed," Rad said. He looked around at the gala retirement party/farewell party/coronation party/national celebrate liner notes week party, and most of what he saw was not hallucinatory. Walking Disaster Area was on stage, playing their newest single 'Endless Storyline', and there was much betting going on as to when they would finish the song, which they had started well over three hours ago. "It's too, like, bad, y'know, like, T couldn't be here," Rad commented. "Well, it's not good form to break a concert date at the Orange Bowl," Kim Stone told him. Rad allowed these words of wisdom to seep down through his brain layers, where they were promptly forgotten. The party had been Manny's idea. Rad was proud of him - already he was acting in the spirit of true Californian ideals. They had decided to invite just a few thousand close friends. Needless to say, they didn't all fit in Rad's beach house, so he knocked out a couple walls to make room. The walls regained consciousness, however, and tried to strike back. Rad then explained to Faith that knocking the walls out was a figure of speech, and proceeded to demolish them. The rest of the party spilled out onto the beach for miles in either direction, even though it was night time. At first Manny was worried about the problems of catering to the demands of thousands of determined partiers, but that was quickly solved by an ingenious system of importing beer directly from Planet California via matter transport beam, then using a few of Captain Hardeharharlock's shuttles to transport the beer kegs to strategic points along the beach. Only hi-jinx, She-Devil and Rat of the Awesome Force had been able to accept Rad's invitations, as the other members of the Awesome Force were busy with their new careers. A few meters away, Key and Yury were talking about matters of great international consequence with the latter two ex-AFers. "I love guys with a big...(hic)...chest," Key said. "I fuckin' do too," Angi (aka She-Devil) said. "Does she always swear this much?" Yury asked. "Only when she's happy," Linda (aka Rat) replied. "When she isn't, she *really* lets it fly." "Hey, the band stopped playing," Key noted. Indeed, they had. The lead singer, Screecher, had apparantly passed out from a lack of oxygen and beer, the latter of which Dr. Pethas Scott was administering to him intravenously. The other band members wandered into the crowd, but one of them saw the four women and quickly sauntered casually over to where they were seated. "Well, hello, ladies," Johnny B said. "what's your sign?" "Pisces," Key and Yury answered. Linda studiously ignored him, and Angi gave him a sign of an avian nature. "Get the fucking hell out of here, you fucking small-chested weasel," Angi added to get her point across. "Now, now, my dear," Johnny B went on. "I'm not small everywhere." "I can fix that," Angi said, displaying her ten-inch fingernails. "Um, yes," Johnny B said. "Er, Key and Yury, is it? I saw you two eyeing me on stage, and I must say, I think we'd make some great music together. Shall we go somewhere to, er, chat?" "Okay," Yury said chirpily. She-Devil rolled her eyes and polished off another tequila slammer. "Oh, in case we don't see you before you leave," Key said. "Here're the keys to our apartment in Japan. We went back while the Hartford party was going on and cleaned it out. The carpet's still there, along with most of the furniture. Also...er...damn it, I forgot (hic) what I was going to say. Oh well, it couldn't have been too important. Bye!" Before Angi or Linda could reply, Key, Yury and Johnny B had disappeared into the crowd. "I bet they're fucking morning people too," Angi growled. "They fucking make me want to fucking tear something the fuck apart!" "Hey," Eivandt Seconds said. "Did you hear Roseanne Barr just arrived?" Angi grinned wickedly. Meanwhile, on stage, Sean Connery acted dramatically with the interstellar vaudeville group the Worm Holes. Sean was playing the straight man while Rasea was doing the jokes. Meanwhile, Fido Doberman and Aleph were entertaining the crowd with a fascinating display of null-g acrobatics and tofu juggling. "Geez, like, it feels like, the room's spinning, like, y'know?" Rad said. "You're right," Chalandra said. "I--wait, I see the problem." She walked over to Faith, who was looking very drunk. "The room's not spinning, you twit," she growled. "Th roomshth not spthinning," Faith said. Instantly, the room stopped spinning. Chalandra looked around for Elizabeth Tirkoff, aka Healer, and spied her dancing on a table fifty yards away, playing a kazoo. "You're completely sober, Faith." "I am?" Faith said. "Dang. I'll have to take care of that." Manny, meanwhile, was out on the beach dancing with Buffy, whom he had met at the Awesome Force's party a few days ago. He didn't remember a few hours of the party, but they apparantly had been good ones, as Buffy was still interested in him. Predictably, however, this was not long to last, as a busty blonde bumped into Manny. "Like, hiya, Manny!" Buffy, the mega-babe prime of Planet California said. "This is, like, a totally excellent party, like, y'know?" "Who. Is. This," the other Buffy, the communications major type, asked. "Oh, uh," Manny said. "Buffy, meet...Buffy. Buffy, Buffy." Luckily, Manny's innate sense of self preservation allowed him to dodge the flying kick that was aimed for a sensitive region of his anatomy. Buffy the communications major stormed off. Manny sighed. "Like, what is, like, her problem, like, y'know?" Buffy asked. "She's not Californian," Manny stated authoritatively. "I'll say," Buffy said. "Hey, there's a toga party in the beach house next door. Let's go!" Manny agreed, and they left. Back at Rad's beach house, Abbott and Costello had just finished up their routine and were introducing the main act of the night. "Straight from their hit European tour," Abbott was saying. "Here they are, without further ado..." "Gesundheit," Costello said. "Ahem," Abbott growled. "Without further interruptions..." "Like this?" Costello added. "Like that," Abbott growled tightly. "Here is...Frankenstein's Monster and the Wolf Man!" Groupies wearing bolts through their necks and hairpieces in rude places surged forward, and Abbott pulled Costello away before he could do something in character. "Rrrrrrrrrr, boyyyyzzzzzzz!" the Wolf Man shouted. Frankie started the first rap. "My name is Frankie/Mr. Monster to you/rhymin' stone cold funk/on battery juice!" The Wolf Man took over. "They call me the Wolf Man/cuz' I got hair on my hand/not from lycanthropy/but from reading Rand!" Frankenstein's monster scratched the record that was revolving on the turntable he had installed on the flat top of his head, and the groupies went wild. "You dudes need anything?" Rad asked. Akane shook her head, as did Badass and Jane Pauly. Behind Jane, her Ninja Death Commandoes waited with trays of drinks. "Could you bring us another mug of Ramrod ale?" the Ito Twins asked. Rad wanted to ask how they finished off the previous pitcher, since it had been more than two times the volume of the two identical six-inch high Jakuzi underworld leaders, but decided it was a mystery best left unexplored. Rad made his way to the bar, expertly dodging Wreck Hooter, who was chasing after Lynt Minutemaid, and dodging Leeza Hades, who was chasing after Wreck Hooter. Dr. Gigawatt was serving the drinks. "Hey, doc," Rad said. "Like, what's that?" Rad indicated the blue stuff that was bubbling and had a sinister look to it. "That is a new dlink I have invented," Dr. Gigawatt said in a stock Fu Manchu accent. "I took it flom the Vurcan Mind Merd lecipe that high- jinx gave you and mixed it up with some liquid that had been felmenting i my lefligelatol fol scientific pulposes. I carr it...the Vurcan Nelve Pinch." "Sounds, like, cool," Rad gurgled. "We'll, like, try it. That and, like, some Ramrod pale ale." "Comin' right up, pilgrim," Dr. Gigawatt said in a stock John Wayne accent. While Rad waited, he saw Prince Charles nearby. "Like, hi, Chuck," Rad said. "Like the party?" "A bit raucous," Charles commented, "but quite regal nevertheless. Congratulations on becoming Emperor. Di just loved telling that to that snooty Queen Juliana of the Netherlands." "Where, like, is she?" Rad asked. Charles pointed. Di, who is as you'll no doubt recall Rad's biological mother, was dancing up a storm with Willard Scott. Chuck sighed. "I'd really like to bop him in the nose," Charles said. "She's practically inviting a scandal by dancing with him, even if he *is* your biological father. Fortunately, *I'm* much more cautious in such matters. Someone tapped Charles on the shoulder. "Hi," the lady said. "You're cute. Would you like to dance?" "Well, I suppose one dance couldn't hurt," Charles said. "My name is Charles. I'm Prince of Wales, you know." "Oooh, really?" the woman cooed. "I'm just an author. My name's Kitty." Charles and Kitty went to the dance floor, while Rad returned with the ale and blue sinister looking stuff. The party chugged on. CONTINUED IN PART TWO IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING... ========================================================================= Date: 04 May 1991 01:56:53 Subject: Rad 90 part two - this is an ex-Rad! From: talk hard -- so be it <34EPWQL@CMUVM> CONTINUED FROM PART ONE... Manny woke up the next morning to find the Californians (those that came from Planet California for the party, that is) getting dressed and taking down the huge beer tent they had pitched, not necessarily in that order. He was about to get out of his sleeping bag, when he realized something important. "My clothes," he said. "Where are my clothes?" "Don't you remember?" Buffy asked. "We flushed them around 4:30 a.m. It was your brother's idea, I think." Manny looked around for Eivandt. "He left already. We've, like, got to get back, like, to our planet. Like, later, dude!" ----------------------------------------------------------------- "Now don't be a stranger," Glum said to Hardeharharlock. "I won't, my lady," Hardeharharlock assured her. "Come along, La Brime, Toastiro. We've got tyranny to fight, not to mention a Denny's breakfast to choke down!" Hardeharharlock turned and walked straight into one of the still standing walls of the house. "Is he drunk?" Ran Mikoto asked. "Sure looks like it," Max Vax commented. Kaneda Suhiro hiccuped. "No, he always does that," La Brime said. "Come on!" Ignoring Hardeharharlock's protests that he could see just fine, La Brime and Toastiro led Hardeharharlock away, along with Sean Connery, whom they had persuaded to rejoin their quest against tyranny. "Like, what an excellent farewell bash," Rad said. "Even I am impressed." You would be. "I heard that, narrator dude!" Nice to know your hearing is in tune. "Who are you talking to, Joe?" Akane asked. "You'll, like, find out in the, like, fall," Rad assured her. He felt a breeze as Johnny B ran past them. Screecher and Boom-Boom of his band, Walking Disaster Area, stopped him before he could get away. "Like, what's the rush," Screecher asked. "I've got to get out of here," Johnny B said, his usual cool absent. "Good morning, Johnny," Yury sang as she entered the room. "Yaaah!" Johnny yelled, hiding behind Pyro. "Keep them away from me! They're maniacs!" "Oh, Johnny, you were wonderful last night," Key said. "Even if the Holiday Inn *did* collapse while we were in the middle of things." "So that's what that was," Pyro said. "We thought it was one of those dimensional doors or something." "It's not like it was our fault," Yury said. "Just because my LAWS rocket launcher went off when it rolled off the bed..." Eventually, Johnny B was hypnotized to forget the whole incident by Faith, and the band left. "Well, it was a great party, Joe," Dominic said. "I've gotta take off now. Say goodbye, Dick." "Goodbye, Dick," the Richard Nixon shower head said. "Say, did you invent that shower head?" Richard Nixon asked. Dominic, not really sure how to explain the thing, answered no. "Good!" Nixon said. "That means I can make a killing on selling those things." "Burn the tapes!" the Nixon showerhead shouted. "What a kidder," Nixon said. "A great party, kids. Come along, Herb!" Herb Villachez waddled along after Nixon. G. Gordon Liddy opened the door for them, and they all drove off in a stretch limo. "That was wierd," Dominic said. "Yes, it was," Kim agreed. "Now let's go." Dominic and Kim bid adieu... "Like, Gesundheit," Rad said. Not again. "Sorry, dude," Rad added. He saw Manny hopping into the room in a sleeping bag, and noticed that Eivandt was searching frantically for exits, of which there were plenty. "Say, Manny dude. Do you have, like, a name for your, like, super hero group, like, yet?" "How about 'the New Awesome Force'?" Adam West suggested. Alfred sighed. "Even better," Manny said, pivoting in the sleeping bag. "Like I promised, we came up with it while we were blazingly drunk. How does the name 'Incredible League of Justifed Freedom Squadron Supreme Inc.' sound? "Stupid," Bulk Bogus said. Behind him, the new Ridiculous Class Wrestling tag team champs, the Nietzsche Boys, nodded in agreement. "That's why we chose 'CalForce' instead," Manny said. "That was, like, the best you could come up with?" Rad asked. "We were blazingly drunk, not blazingly creative," Eivandt said. "Hey, you!" Manny said. "Get back here!" He swung his fists at Manny, but failed to connect. He then realized that his hands were no longer clutching his sleeping bag, as there was much tittering. Red-faced, he hopped to his room, and emerged minutes later in his brand new hero costume. "Nice costume," Badass said. "But you need a code-name." "I've picked one," Manny said. "Confusion." "And I'm Doubt!" Eivandt added. "You'll be dead when I get my hands on you!" Manny growled, and chased Eivandt out of the room. "We'll be keeping our code names of Faith and Healer," Elizabeth said. "Of course, it will take us a little while to break off from the government, but we should be ready to join by the end of August." "What a crazy coincidence," Akane said. "That's when I'll be transferring to UCLA. They approved my papers last night. All I have to do is finish up the work I missed over the summer." "Have you, like, chosen a code name, sis?" Rad asked. "Sure have, bro," Akane replied. "I've decided on Radian." "We're not getting code names," Key said. "The names Key and Yury already strike fear in the minds of many." "I'm sticking with Badass," Badass said. "How did you get that name?" Glum asked. "I took it soon after I was anthropomorphized and became sentient," Badass told them. "Before...nevermind." "Come on," Key said. "You can tell us. We're teammates." "But...oh, okay," Badass said. "My original name was...Guido the Wonder Donkey." He glared at everyone, daring them to laugh. No one did although most looked like they wanted to. "I got it in the circus, okay?" "Where's Chalandra?" Manny asked, walking back into the room. Eivandt walked in after him, apparantly still alive, despite Manny's earlier threats. "It's, like, daylight, dude," Rad said. "She's sleeping in, like, your new headquarters." "Oh," Manny said. He paused a moment. "What new headquarters?" "We were chatting with William and Thelma last night," Glum said. "We mentioned that this beach house was much too small to serve as a headquarters for a super hero group. I guess they talked to Pyrene and Shadzak, 'cuz a whole bunch of Heyustarddedit Federation engineers and Dalan construction people showed up, drank a lot of that sinister blue stuff, then went off talking about how they would build your headquarters." "Where is it?" Manny demanded. Glum pointed out the hole where the north wall used to be, and Manny, along with the other members of CalForce present, ran out to take in a truly impressive sight. The headquarters stood a thousand feet tall, and was mightily impressive, even from the distance it was away. It was shiny and neo- gothic, while not forsaking the almost Edwardian sense of stateliness. It was also shaped as an upright capital 'C', which faced the beach house mightily. "Not bad for a night's work," Badass admitted. "We figure you can rent out most of it for office space," Glum said. "That way, you won't have to worry about income while you're protecting Californian ideals. Rad's sold the beach houses to a real estate company." "Say, have you seen She-Devil and Rat around here?" Yury said. "I think they left after the freight truck towed Roseanne to Our Lady of Mercy and Good Golf Scores Hospital," Akane said. "Dr. Scott told me that while he was figuring out what her bill would be and which mansions he could buy with it." "Darn," Key said. "I just remembered what I forgot to tell them." "Like, what was that?" Rad asked. "Mel Gibson, Kiefer Sutherland and Dennis DeYoung all have keys to our apartment," Yury said. "And we forgot to change the locks. You don't think Angi and Linda will mind, do you?" Eventually, the rest of the party guests left and the members of CalForce, along with Rad and Glum, took the star yacht over to the building, which was located on the edge of downtown Los Angeles. A landing pad on the roof opened, and the star yacht settled. "You can keep the star yacht," Glum said. "I'm going to be getting a new one for a coronation gift anyways." "Great!" Manny said. "How do you pilot it?" "There's, like, a manual in there, like, somewhere," Rad said. "We used it, like, to pilot from New Jersey to Las Vegas." They arrived in the matter transportation room. The TransMat device had been moved here by GLADYS, and she was waiting by the console. "I was wondering if you would show up," GLADYS said. "Me too," Ragna Rok, aka Galaxy Hunter said. "Ow, my poor head!" "Well, we're here now," Glum said. "Are you sure you remembered everything?" GLADYS asked. "Yes, GLADYS," Glum said. "Everything's already been TransMatted to the Imperial Palace." "Then let's go," Galaxy Hunter said. "Bye, all." He stepped into the TransMat chamber, and blipped out of existance, transmitted through space to Planet Hottentot. GLADYS stepped through next. "Well, I guess, like, this is goodbye," Rad said. "Don't be a stranger, Joe," Manny said. "We wanna be there when you're celebrating the birth of your twins." Somewhere far off, Dar laughed a nefarious laugh. "We'll, like, visit often," Rad said. He hugged his ex-sidekick extraordinaire. Glum hugged Manny too. "Take care, bro," Akane said. "And, as always..." Rad grinned. "Party on, dudes!" he told them. Then, he and Glum stepped into the TransMat chamber. Seconds later, in an incredibly tan flash of light, they were gone. WATCH FOR CALFORCE...COMING THIS FALL TO...SUPERGUY!