========================================================================= Date: 03 Nov 1989 21:00:01 Subject: Re: A new hero... In-Reply-To: Message of Thursday, 2 Nov 1989 22:04:39 EST from From: Jimbo Suddenly (o.k., more like slowly) something moved under the rubble... Something so hideous, so scary, that if it were Tammy Faye Bakker... it would be mild compared to itself. (Hmmmm... whatever that means) Anyhow... just after Dangerousman's-- how shall I say it-- 'radiation oriented activities' something ripped in the very fabric of the underwear of the universe. (Which left God with a very sheepish expression on his face, I might add...) And through that small hole... smaller even than Dan Quayle's brain... slipped a new superhero. Subtle, yet bold. Quiet, though loud. A short, fat, tall, short, red-headed blond of rather astoundingly low photogenic potential... slowly crawled out from under the wreckage. Our new hero got to her feet... shook her head slowly... and pronounced these famous words: "I feel more like I did when I got here than I do now..." (think about it for a while) WILL THIS NEW CHARACTER MANAGE TO SHAKE OFF THE BLAST??? WILL THE AUTHOR SEND FOR THE DIGEST AND FIND OUT WHO THE HELL ANDY IS, AND TAKE UP JUAN VALDEZ'S OFFER THAT ANYONE MIGHT SAVE HIM??? WILL THE NEW MINIMUM WAGE LAW INCREASE UNEMPLOYMENT??? WILL THE UAL MERGER EVER GO THROUGH? WILL THE END OF THIS STORY BE CUT SHORT WHEN THE AUTHOR FLUNKS OUT OF GRADUATE SCHOOL BECAUSE HE SPENT MORE TIME GOOFING AROUND WITH BITNET THAN STUDYING??? ONLY THE SHADOW KNOWS.... ========================================================================= Date: 06 Nov 1989 13:07:29 Subject: Scarywoman: Episode 2 From: Jimbo Scarywoman... Episode 2 Scarywoman rolled from beneath the wreckage of the senate, moving her head up and down, left and right, front and back, and in that fourth dimensional direction which is perpendicular to those 3. (Forward and backward through time? Nahhh... too complicated) Everything seemed to be in suitable order... except for the lack of a costume. Scarywoman knew that the mere sight of her would cause any living thing (except other Superheroes) to spin uncontrollably into that vortex of hell popularly known as The 700 Club. But, fortunately, the only thing required to protect others was: putrid purple polyester plaid prints. Fortunately, since polyester is 100% Nuke proof... she was able to find just the right thing in no time at all. Now.... if humans look at her... they will become so nauseated that they will fail to look into her n-dimensional eyes. Just after donning her costume, she tripped over... a tape recorder. (Deus ex machina from hell, huh?) Luckily, the recorder was wrapped in some sort of Elvis suit made from polyester and survived the blast. She pushed play. "Scarywoman: you are not meant to live in this dimension. You can only stay here until December 1st, or you will turn back into a pumpkin, or something like that. You have but one mission here on Earth: unify the authors of the superguy digest. Give them all a final goal for the semester. You *may* be returned to your own dimension on December 1st, as which time (if they cooperate) all the other authors will have more or less wrapped up ongoing storylines and brought all characters together for the ultimate showdown of the semester. On December 1st your author will utilize all the characters in a cooperative effort to return you to your dimension while at the same time clearing the world of all known supervillians. Oh, yeah... you are now hypnotized and will not remember hearing this tape, since the only reason it is here is as expository information Jimbo was not creative enough to introduce in a less, how can we say it, GOOFY manner." WILL VIETNAM VETERANS BURN MORE FLAGS??? WILL THE AUTHOR EVER THINK OF A DIRECTION IN WHICH TO TAKE THIS CHARACTER??? WILL THE OTHER AUTHORS REVOLT AGAINST JIMBO"S IDEA OF A GRAND SHOWDOWN ON DECEMBER FIRST??? WILL J. DANFORTH QUAYLE LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO BE INCLUDED IN THAT SHOWDOWN??? WILL SCARYWOMAN RELEASE A HIT SINGLE AND BECOME THE NEXT TEEN POP IDOL??? WHAT IS THE INTEGRAL OF THE FUNCTION DESCRIBING THE PRICE OF A ROLLING STONES TICKET??? ONLY THE SLATS IN THE BLINDS OF MY HOUSE KNOW... ========================================================================= Date: 07 Nov 1989 20:35:56 Subject: Episode 3: In search of a plotline From: Jimmy Wales The last time we saw Scarywoman, she was headed out of the rubble, mumbling to herself about DECEMBER FIRST (which see reference in last episode). Scarywoman looked around for a personality, amusing character traits, etc. Unfortunately, since the terrain in Washington was notablY devoid of life forms, she knealt to pray to her creator: "Oh, Jimbo, Great God of Scarywomans everywhere... hallowed be thy name. Oh, and I need some superpowers pronto... buster." Just then, Jimbo appeared on the scene:"get thee to Orlando, super-type person. Your superpowers consist of: monumental ugliness and a really annoying personality. See what you can do with that." Scarywoman paused, pondered for a moment, and then pounded Jimbo one right in the teeth. Then: she fired a web of photon control mites into his face. Fortunately: He survived... but was too stunned to write further, this bringing this episode to a tragically premature close. WILL JIMBO RECOVER? WHY ORLANDO? TONY ORLANDO? WHAT ARE PHOTON CONTROL MITES, AND WHO CARES? ONLY THE GUY WHO LIVES AT 127 S. DELTA KNOWS.... ========================================================================= Date: 17 Nov 1989 22:56:08 Subject: Scarywoman 4: Dollywood From: JImbo Scarywoman 4 Dollywood Scarywoman trudged slowly down some backwoods road in North Carolina at a leisurely pace, chewing on a Snickers and drinking R.C. cola. Suddenly, something flew by at a high rate of speed... The DANGEROUSMOBILE! Scarywoman, who knew everything, but was rather slow at processing it, raised her hand to wave hello... but it was too late. A few moments later... the Dangerousmobile flew by again... in the other direction. Once again... Scarywoman failed to signal a greeting in time. Scarywoman lumbered down the road... stopping only once to burn down a farmhouse and spit on a fat kid. Suddenly, a crossroads loomed in the distance. As Scarywoman approached, she saw a cloud of dust arising from the east. She calculated the rate of speed of the approaching vehicle, and the rate of speed of the Scarymobile... and found that the two would certainly collide in 2 minutes and 53 seconds. So, rather than slowing down or speeding up to avoid the collision... she drove on at the same rate of speed. The cars drew closer and closer... the crossroads drew closer and closer... slowly, Scarywoman was able to make out the outlines of the Dangerousmobile... destined to a fatal collision. Suddenly, at the last second... the Dangerousmobile ground to a complete halt, reversed direction, and roared away. "Hmmmm," thought Scarywoman, "He must be taking a government approved shortcut." Then she pulled over to the side of the road to paint nasty sayings on an old cow... "Onward to Orlando...." WILL SCARYWOMAN EVER MANAGE TO GET TO ORLANDO? WILL FLORIDA BE AS DANGEROUS A PLACE AS BILL D. PREDICTS? WILL THE SUPERGUY AUTHORS KILL EACH OTHER IN A MINDLESS DISPUTE OVER WHICH LIST WILL BE THE AUTHORS LIST? IS ANYONE ELSE OFTEN TEMPTED TO JUST SKIP THE STORIES AND GET STRAIGHT TO THE QUESTIONS? WILL ANOTHER GEORGE BUSH BE FOUND SOMEWHERE? HOW MANY CHARACTERS MANAGED TO STUMBLE OUT OF THE RUBBLE IN WASHINGTON? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON.... SUPERGUY!