From: andsol@arcadien.owlnet.rice.edu (Andrew J. Solberg) Newsgroups: alt.pub.dragons-inn Subject: Sgt. Kron [inn]:A story for ALL (esp. Tvarne) Message-ID: <1992May23.211338.3147@rice.edu> Date: 23 May 92 21:13:38 GMT References: <1992May23.065207.15241@rice.edu> <1992May23.085428.27585@uniwa.uwa.edu.au> Tvarne (Sean A Reith) writes: > Sgt. Kron (Andrew J. Solberg) writes: > > > "I have > > collected many tales, tall and otherwise, from my many years of > > work on the streets of this city. I will tell one, if one of > > you agrees to tell one in return. Do I have any takers?" > > "Good sir, I am known as Tvarne, and I have not the art > to tell a tale, or story well, perhaps I am not a true adventurer. > But I will gladly buy you a drink in exchange for any tale of yours. > A meal too, for a good tale is worth that at the very least." > Kron considers Tvarne's offer for a few moments, then grins. "Done!" he cries. Being only medium of stature, Kron pulls up his stool and stands upon it to gain a better platform for his story. He loudly clears his throat, commanding the attention of the nearest patrons. "Attention, all!" he cries. "I have a story to tell. I'm supposed to be getting a free meal out of this, if it's good enough, so you'll have to judge whether the tale merits my breakfast! Do I have your ears? Yes? Well then, this is the story of The Easiest Collar Ever, and it goes like this:" Aviel Jos Vossacker, Senior Tradesman of the Guild of Lapidaries, was a very wealthy man. He was also very foolish. We know that he was wealthy, because he spent untold fortunes of gold on rare and precious objects. We know that he was foolish because he bragged about his treasures, and the security of his mansion that housed said wonders. It came to pass that Goodman Vossacker made the greatest acquisition of his life -- four ivory-and-gold statuettes of griffons, once supposedly owned by great Lord Glorshanned himself. He had spent a king's ransom on the objects, and was very proud of himself. That very night, Vossacker boasted at a banquet of City Guild Leaders that his marvelous treasure was his forever, that his estate was so well guarded and warded that no thief could ever hope to penetrate the walls and make off with the items. This was a terrible mistake. You see, many guildsmen have contacts with the Thieves Guild and other independant criminals. Word of Vossacker's reckless boasts spread quickly about the city. Aviel had paid off the Thieves Guild handsomely to leave his home unrobbed, but there were many unaffiliated burglars who took the comments as a challenge of sorts. And so it was that one particularly dark night, the best thieves in Generica converged on the manse of Aviel Jos Vossacker. 'Black' Dharzin, the great Dwarvish locksmith, had an unbeatable plan. The doors and windows of the house were secure, but the doors to the cellar were pathetically easy. Once inside, Dharzin found that the portal leading upstairs was barred on the other side. Noting several cats loafing about, Dharzin imitated the noise of a tremendous catfight. When the butler came down to throw a shoe at the toms, Dharzin slipped behind him up the stairs. Hiding in a closet, the Dwarf waited for the butler to go back to sleep, then sneaked into the library where the statues were kept. Wily Willy, con man and trickster supreme, had a different but equally effective formula. Following Vossacker's wife to her favorite market, Willy discovered her grocer of choice. Two days later, Willy disguised himself as that grocer and sold Mrs. Vossacker some 'imported tea', which really was only normal tea with a powerful paralytic drug. The next day, Mrs. Vossacker drank the tea and fell into a deep sleep. When a terrified Aviel sent out a call for healers, guess who was first on his doorstep! Yes, it was Willy disguised as a foreign doctor who claimed to have treated this exact malady many times before. Pleading the need to remain by the bedside of the stricken patient, Willy extracted an invitation to stay the night. In the wee hours of the morning, he left the groggy patient and made his way downstairs to the library. Vinnie 'The Eel' Ferretfinder, halfling second-story man, got in on the action as well. He located a patch of siding just below the roof of a mansion that had been affected by dry rot. Scraping out the rotten wood, Vinnie created a narrow hole and wriggled into the infrastructure of the house. Worming his way between the beams of the house, Vinnie made his way down to the walls of the larder. There he cut his way through the plaster of the walls, squirming out to make his way to the library. Now, Friends, we all know that Fate, or Chance, or Lady Luck, or whatever you choose to call it, is frequently taken with fits of whimsy. That night, Destiny was indeed in a peculiar mood, for as it happened, the three master thieves arrived in the library at the exact same moment, from three separate entrances. They stared at each other, then at the statues, then each other again. Thieves are nothing if not clever. Furthermore, these thieves represented the very pinnacle of their profession. Thus, they were quickly able to arrive at the realization that FOUR statues do not split easily amongst THREE greedy thieves. An alternate solution had to be arrived at. Thieves are also practical. And so it was that Dharzin and Willy, who outweighed the halfling by some six times, bound and gagged Vinnie, split the loot, and left their mate in the coal-scuttle for the Watch to find. Elementary! And so it was that I answered the panicked summons from Vossacker and found the culprit, neatly packaged, at the scene of the crime. An easy arrest, although not a terribly productive one. One parting comment: If one of you patrons happens to be Wily Willy in disguise, or if Black Dharzin is in the cellar of this inn with an ear-cup pressed to the ceiling, know you this: languishing in the dungeons of Glorshanned Keep is one very irritable halfling. Pray that he does not escape! Kron climbs off his stool. "Well, friends," he bellows, "Was my story worth a roast haunch and order of fries? Storytelling is hungry work! Or does somebody else have a story that can beat mine?" > Tvarne Nillun > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Andrew Solberg |"Moving faster than a speeding bullet isn't andsol@owlnet.rice.edu | much use if you and it are headed straight Phone:713-529-8627 | for each other." John Brunner bridge-sleep-eat-sex-bridge-sleep-eat-sex-bridge-sleep-I'M STUCK!!!!