Newsgroups: alt.pub.dragons-inn
From: djb6@ellis.uchicago.edu (Dennis Brennan)
Subject: Dougl [Academy] at St. Cuthbert Military School
Message-ID: <1992May31.180100.22194@midway.uchicago.edu>
Date: Sun, 31 May 1992 18:01:00 GMT

"But mom, I'm not sure I wanna!"  Dougl, and most of his belongings, were in
a carriage.  

His mother Lyra answered, "Come now, Dougl, you said you wanted to be with
children your own age.  And besides, here they can keep an eye on you.  Keep
you out of trouble.  You won't be running around taverns in the middle of
the night."

Dougl dropped his head ruefully.  No taverns indeed!  Recreation of any kind
would be rather rare in Generica's school for paladins.

At last the carriage passed through the Academy's infamous gates.  Many a
passerby had looked at those gates and pitied the poor boys on the inside,
who stared mournfully at the girls in the street.  As young boys often said,
the Academy is a fate worse than castration.

As Dougl's possessions were removed from the carriage, he went to the 
registration desk.  An elderly cleric with a ridiculous ostrich-plume pen
asked questions and recorded the answers.  "Name?  Race?  Alignment?  Age?
Any noble background?  Do you have any drugs, alcohol, more than ten magic
items..."  After Dougl's interrogation he was shown to his dormitory room
on the ninth floor.  His roommate was already present, and there were posters
of various famous bards already tacked to the walls.  Dougl noticed "Rowan &
Listener, Live in Concert, Marpenoth 12, admission 3 sp."  

"Nice to meetcha.  My name's Kedyn.  Where 'ya from?"
"I'm Dougl.  From here in Generica but my folks are from Vascondy."

They continued to converse as Dougl put his belongings in order.  There was
a rather smallish footlocker at the foot of his bed in which he was expected
to store all of his clothing.  After much squeezing and stamping on the lid
the footlocker closed.

Before classes began the next day, the Academy's new students were required
to hear the commencement address, given this year by two famous adventurers,
Waldorf and Sick Sword.  The students giggled at their tales although the 
clerics and paladins in the faculty grimaced when Waldorf described how he
forced all the deities of Greyhawk to work in his salt mine.

Classes then began in earnest over the next few days.  Dougl had to take 
astrology, theology, alchemy "We're going to have a test on the four 
elements on the periodic table and their ninety-five isotopes", biology,
"Repeat after me:for black puddings, use fire, not lightning.  For gelatinous
cubes, use fire, not cold.  For green slime, use _cure disease_.  For ochre
jellies, use cold, not lightning.  For russet mold, use salt,not fire."  Then
followed history, "In this class the text we will be using is Tolkien's
Silmarillon", theology, armed and unarmed combat, more theology, demonology,
"We will be
studying the Politics of Hell and the known nature of demons and devils,
excuse me: Baatezu and Tanar'ri [it must be horrible to live in a world where
reality changes at the whim of TSR's writers]", vampirology "Garlic, holy
water, running water, hickory stake through the heart, head off, mouth stuffed
with holy wafers...", more theology, geography of the Known Lands and theology.

"Excuse me, professor Galahad?  I feel sick.  May I go home now?"  but the
teacher would just lay-on-hands, "Not any more."

Despite the older boys' habits of "trying to enforce humility" in the freshmen,
Dougl managed to enjoy himself.  He made a number of friends and talked with
them during lunch at the Gygax Dining Hall about how they would adventure
after graduation.

"I'm going fight undead!"  "I'm going to go to the Marshes to fight the
lizard-people."  "I'm going to fight bugbears, cyclopskin, dune stalkers,
ettins, flinds, giants, gibberlings, gnolls, goblins..."  "Stupid!  Giant
class creatures are for rangers, not paladins!"  When it was Dougl's turn
he answered, "I'm going to go down south and fight the Rameshanders."  
"B..but they're not monsters!"  "Oh yes they are, 'for game purposes,
an potentially threatening creature encountered, man or beast'.  DMG page
229.  I'm going to Rules Law School after I graduate."

To Be Continued.... HANDS OFF THIS STORY, IT'S MINE (for the time being)


-- 
Dennis Brennan
djb6@midway.uchicago.edu