========================================================================= Date: 02 Feb 1991 14:46:45 Subject: Legion of Stuperheros #1 From: Duke da Duck ======The Legion of Stuperheros Issue 1 By Ken Cooney Created Feb 3,1991===== Stand-Up Comics Presents: THE LEGION OF STUPERHEROS By Ken Cooney War, crime, corruption, politicians ... Let face it, the world was falling apart. These hard times transformed a new breed of Stuperheros. Maximillion: He is a clone, the last of his kind. There were once a million clones just like him, each named Max, on the distant frozen planet of Cream. They were known by all as the Ice Cream Clones. But, a violent race known as the Grrr destroyed Maxione to Maxininehundredandninetyninethousandninehundredandnintynine. Maximillion somehow escaped and now lives here. SuperiorMan: He is an egomaniac Superhero whos ego was much larger that his superpower abilities. Thus, he was kicked out of SuperWorld. Now, he remains here ... until his fellow members find a way to kill him, that is. AverageMan: Also from SuperWorld, he was seen as an outcast and bannished from Superworld. He now leads this band of heros. Robopop: After a terrible sequal, Robocop has forced to turn in his badge. Now alone, except for his adopted some Alex, Robo decided to go elsewhere to where glory may once again be his. Changing his name, the part man/part home appliance, fights wherever he may be needed, whether they like it or not. WaWaWoman: The only female in this band. WaWaWoman, alias Bawbwa Wawa, is known as the master of the Bomawang and Bowos. Her black costume can strike fear into the hearts of any man ... until she speaks. Beware! When she says she's "Weawy angwy", she means it! Located somewhere in Greenland is their headquarters, ... 'The Hall of Just Ice'. Inside, Maximillion and Robopop are studying the radar screen. "It looks like just another boring day." Max spoke with a synthetic wheeze. "Don't count on it." Robopop replied, placing his metal hand of Max's shoulder, "Something's bound to turn up." Outside WaWaWoman and Average Man were tending to the garden. "It's a weawy nice aftanoon." WaWaWoman replied, looking at the clear blue sky. "I still can't get over the thought of 'The Hall of Just Ice' not melting in this heat." AverageMan noted looking at the headquarters. "It's pwotected." WaWaWoman answered, nodding. To the far corner of the island is SuperiorMan, showing off his abilities to anyone that might be watching. Of course, no one really cares... * * * Unbeknownst to them, but beknownst to us, on the island of Crete lies the 'League of Doom'. Within these walls are among the most feared, vile villians to see the light of day. Dr. Doom-Wanabe: He is the leader of this group. He wears an iron mask on his face, circa the Star Wars era. Dr. Doom-Wanabe rules the league with an iron fist ... and an iron everything else, for that matter. Redundant Man: He lives to mock and mocks to live and lives to mock and mocks to live. His insane laughter can drive anyone so insane that they go absolutely insane up to the point of losing their sanity. Syntax Error: Possibly the most vile of villians. Syntax loves to destroy any computer programs. He is also known as the human virus. Elvis Parsley: The Original Elvis Impersonator. In actuallity, Elvis never really existed, just Elvis Impersonators, and he was the first. He is also responsible for all Elvis sightings in America and gets 10% of the National Inquirer's profits. Within the 'League of Doom', Dr. Doom-Wanabe details his next scheme. "Fellow scum. Today we will do the most vile deed ever seen in comic book history. We will make a creation so vulgar that it will disgust all who set eyes upon it ... ... we're going to create a television show called 'Cop Rock'!!!" (Continued next issue ...) ========================================================================= Date: 02 Feb 1991 15:01:13 Subject: The Legion of Stuperheros #2 From: Duke da Duck ======The Legion of Stuperheros Isuue 2 By Ken Cooney Created Feb 3,1991===== THE LEGION OF STUPERHEROS By Ken Cooney "The Creation of Cop Rock" part II When we last left, Dr. Doom-Wanabe began relating his vile scheme to create a sight so vulgar that it would disgust all who set eyes upon it... "... we're going to create a television show called 'Cop Rock'!" The group gasped. "You must be crazy!" spoke Elvis Parsley. "Not only that," butted in Redundant Man, "He must be crazy." "Silence!" Dr. Doom-Wanabe shouted, smashing his fist into the wooden table, "I am the leader! I call the shots!" Everyone sat back as Dr. Doom-Wanabe started. "Syntax, I want you to take control of a network." "Shkakakakkk ... which networkkk?" he grinned. "NBC, ABC, CBS, who cares! It can even be the Disney Channel for all I care! Just do it!" Doom-Wanabe hissed, slamming his Nike sneaker on the table. "Redundant Man, I want you to get the man who did 'Twin Peaks'." He continued. "Or better yet, I'll get get man who did 'Twin Peaks'." Redundant Man answered. "And Elvis..." Doom hissed, pointing his finger, "Get those blasted readers away from here! They might give away the plot to those blasted Stuperheros!!!" * * * Meanwhile, back at 'The Hall of Just Ice'. "I sense something's going to happen." Robopop said to Maximillion. "How can you tell?" Max hissed with a metallic wheeze and gag. "Well, this is the second issue of 'The Legion of Stuperheros' and STILL nothing has happened." Robocop replied. Elsewhere on the island, the other stuperheros were having their doubts too. "I just don't get it ... nothing has happened as of yet. Not even in the Reagan Presidency has things seemed so strange." AverageMan said to WawaWoman. "I know what you mean." WawaWoman responded, "I feaw wike something weawy wong will happen wight afta I finish this sentence." Suddenly SuperiorMan pounced in with a double gainer, tripple twist, half pike tuck. "Beat it loser!" they both shouted at him. "There's no time for that, the silent stuperhero alarm has sounded!" "Oh yeah, how can you hear it then!" AverageMan mocked. "I've got stuperhearing! I can hear anything, even if it's not there! So there!" SuperiorMan rebutted, sticking his tongue out. Rushing inside, sure enough there was a red alert on the screen. On the screen appeared a fat man in a cheap suit, known as Commissioner Gordo. "Stuperheros, we need your help!" Gordo started. "Well, what is it?" Robopop asked. "Well, first of all, to be frank, all the REAL superheros were busy at the time and we couldn't find anyone to help, not even little old ladies ..." "Get to the point, dog breath!" SuperiorMan spoke. "Well ... you'll have to see it for yourself." Gordo replied as his face was replaced with a court room. <"So ... has the jury come to a decision?" the judge asked.> <"We sure have, your honor." a juror replied.> <"Read the verdict." the judge answered.> <"We, the people of this court room <"Decided in the anteroom <"We now admit to the court herein <"We find the defendant guilty as sin."> "Arrrgh!" Robopop replied, covering his ears "SHUT THE GOD DAMNED THING OFF!!!" The noise was replaced with silence, the scene replaced with the commissioner's face. "That's not much of an improvement." replied SuperiorMan. "You see our predictament ... PLEASE HELP US!" Gordo begged. "Have you thought of changing the channel?" asked AverageMan. "Of course, we did, you numbskull! It's on every channel!!! And we can't turn it off ... it's filtered through the radio, the phone, the water pipes, the clocks, the computers ... it's everywhere!" "We're on our way, Commissioner." AverageMan replied, turning off the screen. "Okay, you've heard him. We've got to get over there and quick." AverageMan spoke with authority, "WawaWoman, I want you to get the Invisible Jet." "I can't do that." WaWaWoman replied. "Why not?" "I wost it!" she cried. * * * Meanwhile, throughout New York City, the 'League of Doom' were looting the Diamond stores and banks. "Skkkkkrrrrreeee ... Boy, this is sure fun." replied Syntax, "With 'Cop Rock' on, no one can defend themselves against the sound penetrating their brains!" "Yeah!" Redundant Man replied, sucking on a Toosie Roll Pop, "Taking candy from a baby is like taking candy from a baby!" "And with these ear plugs, we can loot the city and no one can stop us." laughed Elvis Parsley. ... "I SAID ... and with these ear plugs, we can loot the city and no one can stop us!!!" "Not if I can help it!" spoke AverageMan from behind. "Skrrrreeechhh ... You're too late!" Syntax Error yelled. "I'm sorry that I missed my cue, we got lost on the way here." AverageMan explained. "Stop bickering!!! Get him!" Dr. Doom-Wanabe boomed. "Try it dirt bag!" Robopop replied, holding a blender. "Shakakakakakakkk ... a blender?!" Syntax mocked. "Not any ordinary blender." Robo replied, "A blender filled with Cheeze Whiz!" "SKREEEE NOOOO!" Syntax screamed as he was smothered in ooze. "Die Die Die Die Die!" Redundant Man yelled, shooting an Uzi SMG at Robopop. "Not today." SuperiorMan spoke, landing infront of Robopop. "Bullets can't harm me! Infact, nothing can! Believe me, my partners have tried!" Smelling defeat, or possibly his armpit oder, Dr. Doom-Wanabe started fleeing. "Stop!" WawaWoman yelled. "Make me, you two bit reporter!" Doom yelled. "Now I'm weawy weawy angwy!" she yelled as she tossed her bolo. The bolo twisted around Doom's feet, causing him to fall. "This won't hold me!" Doom sneered, cutting the rope with his Cracker Jack knife. "No, but this will!" Maximillion spoke from behind, as he wrapped Doom in 200 square feet of tin foil. "Drats! Foiled again!" Doom yelled. Below, the rest of the team rounded up the remaining villians. "Elvis Parsley got away." Robopop replied. "Don't worry, there's bound to be another Elvis sighting sooner or later." AverageMan replied. After removing 'Cop Rock' from the air, the stuperheros returned to 'The Hall of Just Ice' for a much needed rest. Dr. Doom-Wanabe, Syntax Error, and Redundant Man were locked away behind bars. For now, the will be peace. (The End ... for now!) ========================================================================= Date: 03 Feb 1991 22:18:03 Subject: The Legion of Stuperheros #3 From: Duke da Duck ======The Legion of Stuperheros Issue 3 By Ken Cooney Created Feb 3,1991===== Stand-Up Comics Presents: THE LEGION OF STUPERHEROS By Ken Cooney in "I've Lost My Head" WawaWoman, Average Man, SuperiorMan, and Robopop were enjoying a relaxing day in the sun by the pool. Maximillion, being a clone, assimulated. Robopop was sitting on a folding chair of strength 500, oiling himself. "I don't want to get sun burned." Robo commented, putting on a coat of Mobil 1, "Especially with the hole in the O-Zone layer." WawaWoman, wearing a 'Bathing Suit of Drooling +1', was lying on a blanket with her back to the sun. "It's weawy warm." she muttered, looking at robopop through her sunglasses. "Everybody, watch this!" SuperiorMan yelled. Bouncing on the board, SuperiorMan gracefully executed a quadruple arch, double tuck, tripple gainer with a half pike, flat crust 45 degree turn into a cannonball. Of course, no one was watching ... but they did feel the huge splash as all of the water shot up in the air, doucing everyone. "God damn it!" yelled AverageMan coughing. "Sorry." said SuperiorMan from within the pool, with his butt stuck in the concrete, "These things happen." "To you." Robopop added. "Not always!" SuperiorMan spoke, pulling his butt out of the huge whole in the pool. "Well," commented Maximillion, "There was the time you hit a gland slam home run, out of the ballpark ... out of the island ... over the ocean..." "Well, it hit a SCUD missle aimed at Saudi Arabia, didn't it?" "Well," continued Max, "There was the time you kicked a football so hard that it hit the leaning tower of Pisa, and straightened it!" "Well, I fixed that ..." SuperiorMan replied. "And the time..." "Okay! Okay! So, I made a few mistakes!" SuperiorMan admitted, "But, who's counting?!" "Well ... I am..." Max mentioned in a matter-of-fact way. "I feel awkward sitting here, not monitoring the base." Robopop butted in. "Don't worry, Max built a drone to monitor things while we took a small vacation." AverageMan noted. "His NAME is Melvin." Max hissed (and metallic wheezed). "You named the drone ... MELVIN???" mocked SuperiorMan. "It's no worse than your real name-" Max started. "Shutupshutupshutupshutupshutup-" "H-A-R-V-E-Y!" Max gloated. "YOUR NAME IS HARVEY?!!" Everyone asked, looking at SuperiorMan. "SO!" SuperiorMan shouted, "Big deal! It's just a name! It's no big deal! No big deal at all!" A blaring horn sounded through the air. "The Early Warning System!!!" they all yelled. "I could have told you that earlier." SuperiorMan muttered. "But you didn't, Hawvey." WawaWoman gloated. "Don't you call me that name." SuperiorMan said as he rushed to 'The Hall of Just Ice'. AverageMan ran into the room, meeting Melvin the Drone at the door. "Co-mish-un-er Gor-do on screen." he synthesized. AverageMan walked up to the Early Warning System (EWS for short ... pronounced 'Eeeuwwww'!), turned on the Visoscreen and the Audiosound. "Stuperheros, I'm glad your here." Gordo spoke. "We're always on duty." AverageMan spoke. " ... -er ... once again, all the ... um ... other heros are ... ah ... kind of busy at the moment ..." Gordo explained. "We know ... ' otherwise you wouldn't be here'." SuperiorMan mocked with a whining immitation of Gordo's voice. "What's the problem this time, lard breath!" "A man was found today with his head severed from his body." Gordo continued. "Eeeeuuuwww ... how wevolting!" WawaWoman muttered. "Normally, this would be police business, but this is the third decapitation this week, all done with a nice, clean, smooth cut -" "Excuse me," butted in Robopop, "Do all the victims have overdue Library books?" "Why, yes -" Gordo replied. "This can only be the work of only one madman." Robo answered, "Conan the Librarian!" "How can you be so sure?" AverageMan asked. "Oh, I'm sure ... our paths have crossed." Robo muttered with some hidden anger, "He was once a good, hard working man ... the typical muscle bound, low intelligent, ego ridden individual who gets lucky in life and plays a small two bit part in a movie which gets seen by some big movie producer who tells him 'With my brains and your brawn, we can make a fortune', and soon becomes a multimillionare, having his own limosines ... one for each day of the week, only to blow it all away on a woman with breasts the size of cantalopes and brains the size of a water molecule, a woman who only wants him for his money and to use him as a sex toy and then eventually turns on him, having an affair with Gary Heart, and being not able to cope with it, he starts drinking, acquires an alcohol problem, messed up on movie set, forgets his lines, so the producer throws him off the set, never to return, eventually goes to Alcoholic's Anonymous, gets kicked out there, tries being a Hari Krishna, but refuses to shave his hair, so they kick him out, tries to be a Morman, but is a devout atheist, so they kick him out as well, eventually finds a firm job as a librarian but when they found out that he was too violent on those who returned their books late, he was kicked out, but he wants to convince the world that he still has some worth in him, by ridding the world of the filth who refuse to return their overdue library books ... yeah ... I know the type." The other stuperheros stared at him, knowing that this was possibly the longest run-on sentence to ever appear in a comic. "Well..." AverageMan finally spoke, flabbergasted, "We're on our way ... we'll be there in about five minutes. "WawaWoman, fetch the Invisible Jet." "I stiw can't find it." WawaWoman whined. "Er ... make that FIFTEEN minutes." AverageMan corrected. WILL WAWAWOMAN EVER FIND HER JET? WILL THE STUPERHEROS FIND CONAN THE LIBRARIAN BEFORE HE KILLS AGAIN? WILL ROBOPOP SPILL OUT YET ANOTHER ALMOST NEVER ENDING RUN-ON SENTENCE? WILL I BE ABLE TO FINISH ISSUE FOUR BEFORE CONAN THE LIBRARIAN FIGURES OUT THAT *I* HAVE AN OVERDUE LIBRARY BOOK? (CONTINUED NEXT ISSUE(?)...) ========================================================================= Date: 07 Feb 1991 23:14:22 Subject: Legion of Stuperheros #4!!! From: Duke da Duck =====The Legion of Stuperheros Issue 4 By Ken Cooney Created Feb 7,1991====== Stand-Up Comics Presents: THE LEGION OF STUPERHEROS By Ken Cooney "I Lost My Head" Part II When last we met, the Stuperheros were told of the grotesque decapitations of people who had overdue library books. Robopop determined that this could be the work of only one madman ... Conan the Librarian! "Okay, first we must go to the library, to determine who may be Conan's next victim." AverageMan spoke, while driving their StuperSpeedboat to the port. Walking to the library, they consulted the head librarian. "Can I help you?" the head librarian spoke in monotone. "What a minute," Robopop remarked, "Haven't I seen you before?" "Possibly ..." the head librarian said, "I'm Droopy." "Weren't you on the police task force?" asked Robo. "No." Droopy replied, "That was my brother Droopy." "And the detective..?" Robo continued. "My other brother Droopy." Droopy explained. "Well, we need access to the library files to determine who might be Conan the Librarian's next victim." AverageMan butted in. "Oh ... he was a bad man ... he made me mad." Droopy mentioned in monotone again. "The list!?!" SuperiorMan hissed. "Just a moment." Droopy said as he left the room. Soon, Droopy returned with a 3.5" disk. "Here." He said as he handed over the disk. The team then headed over to the nearest unused computer, the dredded TrashCan 80. "Accessing..." spoke Maximillion, "Accessing ... accessing ... accessing..." "Damn is this thing slow!" yelled Robopop. "Here we are, the library files." Maximillion replied. "How many have overdue library books?" AverageMan asked. "Twenty Five thousand, three hundred and thirty six." Max answered. "Um ... eliminate those borrowed by game show hosts." AverageMan said, thinking. "Ten." Max responded, "and eliminating those that are dead, that makes seven." "Display those." AverageMan spoke. "Okay ... there's 'How To Make Over A Million Desserts Using Spam' belonging to the writer of this comic ... and ... the other six are all taken out by the same person." "Who is this person?" AverageMan requested, concerned. "Ronald Wilson Reagan." Max replied. "Ronald Reagan ... Ronald Reagan ... somehow that name sounds familiar." Robopop noted. "Wonald Weagan was the acta who became Pwesident." WawaWoman answered. "Oooohhh..." Robopop responded, "It's no wonder he forgot to return the books ... he forgot just about everything else!" "Wait a minute." Max replied, "Ronald Wilson Reagan ... the length of his first, middle, and last names are 6 ... 6 ... 6!" "My God!" AverageMan yelled, "We're fighting the Devil himself!" "He'll cream Conan!" SuperiorMan shouted, "Pardon the phrase, Max." "Don't worry." Max replied, "The creamation of the Ice Cream Clones are all but forgotten." "Still," replies AverageMan, while SuperiorMan pondered upon the possible meaning of Max's last statement, "Considering the possibility of another stupid 'What If ... So What' parody, what would happen if Reagan died?" "If Reagan is defeated, there will be a rip in the cartoon continuum." Max replied with a uncontrolled shiver. "Conan kill Reagan?!" SuperiorMan scoffed. "Looking at his presidency years, Reagan goes into a sedated, coma like sleep every so often ... the times that he sleeps follows an algorithmic equation." "And if Conan KNOWS of this equation..." AverageMan started. "He will be able to kill Reagan in his sleep." Max finished. "We must make every effort to stop him!" Robopop replied, getting up from his chair. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At Reagan's Ranch, some unknown occurances are happening [See Reaganbo issue 1 for details! - "Crossover Crazy" Ken Cooney]. From a distance, two men are sitting in a car, watching over the house. "We must activate him now, you know that." the first spoke. The second, agreed, pressing a button on his cane. "Well ..." Reagan spoke from inside the house, "It's beddy bye time." Grabbing his teddy, Reagan wandered to his bed, and proceeded to take off his John Wayne hat and matching set of cowboy boots. Suddenly, Reagan's eyes widened, as he walked to the closet. Opening the door, he knelt down and pulled at a loose piece of the floor, below it was cameoflauge pants, a black shirt, a black and green army head bandana with a with a white skull on it, an Uzi Sub machinegun, and clips. Putting these clothes on, he ceased to be Ronald Reagan ... ... and became REAGANBO! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- On a bus in New York, a Swashbuckler wearing a belt with a Swissbuckler, bought a ticket to Texas. Normally, someone would notice a man, with overbulging muscles and an Axl Rose hairdo, carrying an oversized suitcase shaped like a longsword ... but this is New York! Even with his rough, husky singing voice, no one dared a second glance. "Starsh speddin da nues." Conan sang, "I'm reaving todaey. I'll make a bran nu starsh ovit, out of nue york. Des books overdues, I'll see da person todaey ... and cut da head right off uvit, of old gippa!! Eef I can take him der, the writer of dis comic can't run anywere, cus I'll find you, Ken Cooney, yor next!" Suddenly, the stuperheros appeared infront of Conan. "How did we get here?" asked Robopop. "The writer probably teleported us here for fear of losing his head next." AverageMan resonded. "The wimp!" scoffed SuperiorMan. "No," replied Maximillion, "You don't understand the circumstances! If Ken dies, WE ALL DIE ... either that or we become a Filmation version of ourselves." SuperiorMan shivered, fearing the circumstances, especially the latter. "You see," Maximillion continued, "Ken will stop at nothing to kill Conan the Librarian. He's even sent out a message for help to Superguy, incase we fail." "That's a show of confidence!" SuperiorMan yelled, crossing his arms. "LISTEN," Max repeated, "Ken will stop at NOTHING to stop him!" "RIGHT! This will be a breeze!" SuperiorMan spoke bravely. "STEP ASIDE, MAGGOTS!" SuperiorMan yelled, shoving everyone to the ground, "A REAL hero's got a job to do!" Conan stood by the airport window, looking at his plane ticket, scratching his head, apparently trying to decode it (the ticket ... not his head or the window). "Excuse me, bub." SuperiorMan spoke as he tapped Conan on the shoulder. Conan swung around, dropped his case on the ground, dialed the secret combination code on the suitcase lock, messed it up, recited it in his head, dialed again, opened up the suitcase, took out the sword, grabbed the sword, closed the suitcase, placed the ticked in his right pants pocket, scratched his nose with his left hand, sneezed, took out a tissue from his other pants pocket, blew his nose, put the tissue back in his pants for later, held up his sword and swung at SuperiorMan ... all in one stroke. The sword, embbeded itself deep in SuperiorMan's shoulder, getting wedged in his shoulderblade. "You gotta do better than THAT!" SuperiorMan spoke. SuperiorMan than pulled out the sword and watched his wound instantaniously heal. Then, SuperiorMan thrusted the sword deep within his own chest and put his arms at his hips. "You can't kill me." Conan stood, bewildered. "Go ahead, pull it out!" SuperiorMan mocked. Conan slowly pulled the sword out ... no blood. "Stop wiggling it! I'm ticklish!" Conan then fully pulled it out, and again, the wound was healed. "Guys! Check this out!" SuperiorMan yelled to the others, laughing, "The dumb brute can't kill me! He's stumped! What a Neanderthal!" SuperiorMan turned around to see Conans fist hit him on the chin, knocking SuperiorMan out cold. "What a jerk!" AverageMan muttered, sighing. The group ran to SuperiorMan to revive him. "Anyone got any smelling salts?" asked WawaWoman. "I've got toe cheese." replied Maximillion. "Good enough." WawaWoman replied, as she grabbed Max's toe cheese and placed it above SuperiorMan's nose. "ARRGGGGGGGGKKKAKAK!" SuperiorMan screamed, "What the hell is that?!!" SuperiorMan looked at the group, realizing that his chin hurt. "What happened?" "Neanderthal slugged you in your Archillies chin!" Robocop yelled. "I though Ken would do anything to get Conan killed?" SuperiorMan noted. "You got too cocky, you idiot!" AverageMan cursed, "You're lucky Ken didn't have you killed off! Apparently, he still finds use of your sorry-" "Where's Conan?!" interrupted SuperiorMan. "He got away, of course!" Robopop replied. "Your fat head got in the way of a clean shot, too!" "Like YOU could have done better!" SuperiorMan mocked. "He COULD have!" yelled Maximillion, "Infact, it was EVEN in the script that way, you MORON!" Max handed SuperiorMan the script. "Now we'll have to stretch this stupid episode to a part three!" WILL CONAN THE LIBRARIAN KILL REAGANBO? WILL REAGANBO KILL CONAN THE LIBRARIAN? WILL ANYONE BE ABLE TO KILL SUPERIORMAN? WILL ANYONE KILL THE AUTHOR FOR WRITING SUCH A BAD COMIC? ========================================================================= Date: 08 Feb 1991 17:04:25 Subject: Legion of Stuperheros #5 From: Duke da Duck =====The Legion of Stuperheros Issue 5 By Ken Cooney Created Feb 8,1991====== Stand-Up Comics Presents: THE LEGION OF STUPERHEROS By Ken Cooney "I Lost My Head" part III or "Dancing With the Devil By the Deep Blue Sea" When last we met, the stuperheros determined that Conan the Librarian's next target would be Ronald Reagan ... a man who has six overdue library books ... a man whos first, middle, and last name lengths are 666 ... a man ... who is also known as Reaganbo! Superior failed an attempt to catch Conan at the airport, thus dragging this stupid episode to a third part. Two mysterious men still sat in a car by Reagan's Ranch. "What's taking him so long?" the first asked. "I dono!" the other yelled. Soon Reaganbo appeared at the front door of his porch, army gear, weapon gear, L.A. Gear ... "Wait a minute!" one of then noted, "What's that other joker over there?!" At the far end of the ranch was a overmuscular man, with a cheap Axl Rose hairdo, and a longsword ... Conan the Librarian! "Yo!" Conan yelled to Reaganbo. "You talking to be?" hissed Reaganbo, "Nahhh ... you can't be talking to me ... not in that tone of voice! 'Cus if you was, I'd have to pump you up with so much lead, I could plug you in a socket on the wall and you'd be a Chrismas tree and the bullets would be little illuminating lights!" Conan thought about this one, and didn't like the thought ... infact, the thought made Conan even more angry because he doesn't even LIKE Chrismas. Conan reached into his suitcase by his side, grabbing another longsword. "Dis is Hans, an dis is Frans." Conan motioned the swords, "Und we gonna slice you up!" "Not if I can help it, Commie scum!" Reaganbo said in a scratchy Clint Eastwood voice. Conan charged at Reaganbo with both swords high up in the air, screaming "Aeeeeeereaherrrrrrrrahhhhhhhh!" Reaganbo put his UZI SMG on full auto, empting a clip into Conan's chest. "That Neanderthal's not going down!!?" one of the men in the car gasped. "OF COURSE HE ISN'T!" yelled the second, "THE IDIOT'S USING BLANKS!!!" "We've got to stop him!!!" the first yelled, rushing out of the car with a sawed off shotgun. Conan took a swing at Reaganbo and Reaganbo fell to the ground. "DIE COMMIE SCUM!" Reaganbo cursed from below, thrusting the knife from his army boots into Conan's left leg. "Aeeeeeereaherrrrrrrrahhhhhhhh!" The man with the shotgun fired, the first barrel missing Conan by inches, the second clipping his shoulder. "HA!" the man yelled, "This guy's no Rambo! He can be killed!" The second man held a Magnum and started firing. The Swashbuckler (with a Swissbuckler) charged at the two men with guns, seeing them as a bigger threat. "He's coming here!" the first man cursed. "Don lose yer head." Conan mocked as he chopped the first man's head off. The other man looked at Conan, afraid, as Conan lifted his sword. "STOP!" a voice spoke. "Can't be Reaganbozo ... not so soon." Conan said turning around. "Hey! This Neanderthal had a brain after all!" SuperiorMan spoke, "Or maybe it's a virus doing all the talking." Conan looked at the five people, and turned back to the man infront of him. Grabbing the man's gun, and eating it, Conan replied, "I like you ... I kill you last!" Conan than faced the threat at hand. "Five against one ... hmm ..." "I've got a question for you, Conan." AverageMan spoke. "Wat, you wanna know why I cut der heads off?" "We already know that," Robopop replied, "You feel inferior, so you redirect your inferiority at those who borrow library books 'cus they've got enough brains to be able to read them ... you can't ... you just got brawn!" "You callin me stupeed!!?" Conan yelled. "Naw ... just a very, very, unintelligent imbicil!" SuperiorMan shouted back. "Watch it!" Conan cursed, "Ef I find out wat dat means, your a dead man!" "The question *I* want to know is how you got here so quick!" AverageMan replied, "In the last issue, Reagan was about to leave his ranch just as we confronted you at the airport!" AverageMan replied. "Dere's a time deefrence!" Conan spoke, "And you thought dat I was stupid!" "Well, this comic has gone far enough!" Robopop yelled. "Yeah ... you're right." Conan said as he hurled one of his swords at the writer. Thinking quick, Robopop drew his gun and shot at the sword, thus deflecting the sword and saving the writer of a premature death [ so there! =ftttt!= ]. "Great shot!" SuperiorMan replied, "Although ... I could have done quite a bit better, myself." "Great shot!" Maximillion repeated, "And great drawing of a gun." Max looked at the paper that Robocop was holding, marveling at Robopop's drawing of his own gun. "Eva think of woiking fow Mavul comics?" WawaWoman asked, "With tawent wike that, you coud have youwr wown comic." "There's not enough time for that!" Robopop hissed stepping foward, "It's time to correct some things!" Grabbing the sword Conan threw, Robopop and Conan started swordfighting. Every swing was matched, ounce for ounce. Robopop dodged Conan's thrust with remarkable ease. "You're too slow!" Robopop said as he sliced conan's shoulder. Conan swung, just missing Robopop's head. "You're too clumbsy!" Robopop spoke as he dodged another swing. "And you're a lousy actor!" Robopop cursed as he thrusted his sword into Conan's chest. "I was not!" Conan screamed. "'Kindergarden Cop' SUCKED!" Robocop curdes as he embedded the sword even further. "I want my $6.50 back!" Robopop shouted as he twisted the sword. Conan screamed and dropped on the ground, blood frothing out of his mouth. "What a waste!" Robopop replied, pulling the sword out with a quick upward thrust. "Of a life?" Max asked. "No." Robopop muttered, droppint the sword on the ground. "Of money?" Asked AverageMan. "Nay!" Robocop sighed, turning around and walking away, "What a waste of a time!" The others looked at Robopop, questiongly. "Ken COULD have done this in a one shot-" Robopop muttered as the sound of his voice faded in the distance and the scene faded to plaid. [Writers Note: "I COULD NOT DO IT IN A ONE SHOT, SO THERE!!"] ========================================================================= Date: 17 Sep 1991 15:41:25 Subject: The Legion of Stuperheros #6 From: Duke da Duck THE LEGION OF STUPERHEROS ISSUE 6 "Split Infinities" Part I By Ken Cooney Continued from somewhere within the issue of Stan The Toilet Man #11: Darkness fades to black and white, and the scene unfolds: "We've killed the Stuperheros!" voices echo. "We weawy weawy did." Elmer mutters, looking at the bodies sprawled on the concrete floor. The figures leave the scene. ... A bright white light engulfs the area. A pale white woman in a flowing white dress smiles as she extends her arm. Slowly, Average Man, WawaWoman, and Maximillion gets up. "Where? What? Who?" Average Man echos. "You are among The World of the Not-Quite-Exactly-Technically-Dead (tm)." "You mean we're-" "Not-quite-eqactly-technically-dead? Yes." "And Robo." Max asked. "Well, he's part machine ... there's nothing I can do about him." she answered, placing her hand on Robo's metallic head, "But ... he will be saved." "What about Superior Man?" "His ego is too strong even for one such as I." she replied. "YES! YES! YES!" Max screamed, "There IS a God!" "Ah ... Miss?" "Yes?" "Why aren't we dead?" Average Man asked. "Well, apparently, the writer hastily killed you off. Ken still has use for you." she replied with a smile, "Besides, they forgot to put chalk marks around your bodies." "Oh." Max muttered. "There is a catch, though." she replied in a matter-of-fact way. "There always are." Average Man muttered, "So, what do we have to do, watch 200 hours of soap operas?" "=gag!= =coff!= Certainly not!" she replied, suddenly seeming akwardly more human, "This isn't Hell, you know!" The three looked on. "John Smith." "No one ever called me by my real name." Average Man muttered. "Barbra Walters." WawaWoman looked at Average Man, confused. "Max." "Yeah." Max muttered to the reader, "My name's kind of obvious." "You will have no recollection of what has just transpired." "Ah ... how about in Layman's English." Average Man asked. "You will forget everything." "Oh, is that all." Average replied. "What's all?" WawaWoman asked. "I'm not sure." Average replied, scratching his head. The bright light faded, each person found himself in his origin place. Super World: "Gee, my plumming is clogged." Super Bricklayer replied. "THERE'S no need to fear, Super Plummer is here!" "I'll make sure the job's done right." Super Intendent replied. "We're out of milk!" Super Frigerator Perry noted. "I'll get it for you." Super Stop & Shop answered, dashing off. "There's so much going on here, it's a wonder that I can comprehend it all." Average Man muttered, sitting on the steps of his average house. "There is no need to comprehend." the Super Computer responded, "I comprehend all that all sees, hears, notes, realizes." "I know ... but I feel the need to REALIZE what is happening." "You must overcome this pointless desire." the Computer reasoned, "I am all." NBC News Headquarters: "So, teww me, what weawy ocuwed wight then?" "What?" a confused, nervous man asked. "What did you do wight when wancid odas went fwew the ventawation shaft?" Barbra asked. "Huh?!!" "Alright everone!" a voice boomed, "Take five!" "I can't take it anymore!" her guest yelled, pulling his hair, "I can't deal with people with a wisp, I mean, lisp! Now she's got ME doing it! GEESH! It's like working with Elmer Fudd!!!" On the frozen planet of Cream: "Look at these bunch of wimps." a drunk Grr mumbled, staggering around. "Yeah, man." the second muttered, belching a sonic burp. Nearby, behind a glacier of ice, Maximillion hides, hoping he won't be discovered. "Here's another one of those puny punks!" the first Grr replied, picking up a clone, "Aren't they ugly?" "Apparently you haven't looked at yourself in the mirror lately." the clone responded. "Gee, if I didn't know better, I'd say that sounded like an insult." "You ignorant fools wouldn't know an insult if it hit you dead in the face." "And that sounds like another one." the seond noted. "Never mind the wimp ... look over there ... booze!" The two ran to a huge "bulk container". "Gee, I thought that these were outlawed in this area." "So what if they are." the second mumbled. At the remains of the Hall of Just Ice: "Well, it'll take some time to get you in tip top shape." Nick Furry replied, grapping a phelps screwdriver. "I can't believe the others are gone." Robo replied. "Well, apparently your low processes were still active, keeping you in a state of sedation ... kind of like a coma, until your internal processes were repaired." Nick replied, "And I guess you were programmed to return to home when you were damaged." "Home?" Robo muttered, "But this is not home." "I know." Nick answered, replacing a burned out chip, "I brought you here ... there's been ... let's just say difficulties in New York." "What kind kind kind kind ki-" Nick slapped Robo's back. "Thank you." "Don't mention it." Furry groaned, holding his wrist, "I'll explain later when you are up to par." Finally, at the Superfolk Hospital, Superior Man rests a long long sleep. "Well, he hasn't changed." a nurse muttered. "Well, I need him for questioning." Lieutenant Drebbin replied. "I'll tell you when he comes around." "Comes around what?" "Oh, nothing." the nurse answered, frustrated. "You're hiding something from me, aren't you?" "No I'm not!" "You're not what ..?" Drebbin asked. "Hiding something from you." "OH! So you ADMIT that you're hiding something from me!" IS THE NURSE HIDING SOMETHING? WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE LEGION OF STUPERHEROS? WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO KEN? (To be continued ...) ========================================================================= Date: 18 Sep 1991 18:52:34 Subject: The Legion of Stuperheros #7 From: Duke da Duck THE LEGION OF STUPERHEROS ISSUE 7 "Split Infinities" Part II By Ken Cooney Average Man woke up in his Average house, still fealing weary. "Morning." Average muttered to his roommate. "Morning already?!" his roommate yelled, "Geesh, I gotta get up and get ready for work and grab a quick breakfast I better jump in the shower I hope there is plenty of hot water I wonder if the morning paper is here already and I gotta remember if I paid the paper boy I gotta get gas for the car and oh yeah-" Average's roommate disappeared into the adjacent room, still babbling and running around like a chicken with his head cut off. "Which clothes should I wear maybe the jeans but then jeans are so informal I was thinking more along the lines of the slacks but I'd have to iron them which technically is no problem at all I just got to warm up the iron-" "The slacks." Average muttered in his sleepy self. "Yeah I was thinking the same thing and oh my God I'm going to be late for work if I don't hurry my self and get going I better brew some coffee you know how I can't do without my morning cup of coffee-" Average Man moaned as he rolled out of bed, "I STILL don't know how I can survive living with Super Ego." "Electronic voice mail across on subchannel nine." a voice replied. "I'll take it now, Super Computer." "Yeah, Average, It's your old pal and school chum from Super High!" "Super Calafragalisticespialidocious?!" "Call me Cal." he replied, "How long has it been? Maybe five years?" "About that." Average smiled. "Still living with mister motor mouth?" "Yep." "Well, get dressed and get meet me outside in fifteen minutes." "Sure thing. Subchannel off." Average said, stretching. "Computer." Average replied, standing up and slipping into his fuzzy slippers, "Tell me any notes I might have left myself yesterday." "Query?" "I always leave my self notes on important things to do." "No records found." "That's strange." Average wondered, "Didn't I give any?" "No such information was found." "How about yesterday?" Average asked. "No such infor-" "Computer: Access last record for John Smith, A.K.A. Average Man." "Last known record is Sept 1st, 1989." "1989?!! But that's two years!" Average Man yelled, "There must be a bug in the system. Run a subprocess analysis systems diagnostic check." "Processes are perfect 100.00 ad infinitam zeros percentile working order plus or minus NIL degree of systematic error." "Strange ... but where was I during those two years?" "I am unable to answer that question." "But, you know everything that occurs in Super World." Average reasoned. "That is correct." "So, that means that I wasn't on Super World for two years." "A fairly reasonable deduction." the Super Computer responded. "Is there any record of me leaving Super World?" "No such record has been found in my infinite capacity memory records datum." "So, what happened?" Average Man wondered, "Computer: Deduce solution using currently known information." "Deduction is: Average Man didn't exist for two years." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Elsewhere in the wintery snows of the planet Cream: "They're gone." Maximillion panted, seeking for shelter. "Over here." a voice yelled. Max glanced over to see a familiar face: "Maxifivehundredandthirtysixthousandtwohundredandnine." Max said, quite relieved to see another face. "Call me Max 536209." the other Max replied. "Who are they?" Maximillion asked. "The Grrr. A savage beast of drunken neanderthalistic fraternity brothers." "And why do they want to kill us?" "Well, the clones and the Grr are very alike. We dress alike, they dress alike. We have the same hobbies, they have the same hobbies. We talk the same, they grunt." Max 536209 explained, "Well, we have something they don't have." "A good dental plan?" Max asked. "Well, TWO things they don't have." 536209 clearified, "We have intelligence." "They must have some sort of intelligence even on the microscopic level..." "Afraid not." 536209 replied, shaking his head, "Too much brain altering liquors have killed their brain tissues." "Brain TISSUES?!" "Yes, unlike us, who have positronic brain cells, they had brain tissues. Once, I glanced at the Intergalactic Diction of Speech and looked up 'Tissue' ... it stated: Kleanex." "KLEANEX?!!" "Yes, it make you wonder how they survived THIS long." 536209 answered, walking into a near by cave. "Yet, they are wiping us out." "Yes, they are a very violent race. We are not so advanced at the means of mass slaughtering, and other such forms of painful injury tactics. We usually result in a more tactiful method of elimating problems." "I heard about it ... but I thought it was a myth." Max answered. "It's no myth." 536209 said, walking around the corner. Before them stood a huge computer console, with keys, buttons, levers, switches. There was humming sounds coming from slits from the sides. Strange holographic images floated in mid air, stated "(((In Stereo)))". Lights on the sides blinked in random chaotic order and a screen flashed obscure messages quicker that the eye can see. "Here it is." 536209 replied, "The great C:\Del *.*!" Surrounding it's almighty self were other clones, on smaller versions of the great *.*, hitting keys frantically, grasping the eternal knowledge. "This one is using Norton." 536209 explained. {Hey, Norton, what do you think your doing with that piece of cake?!} {Well, Ralphie boy, I was thinking that I could have a piece-} {Well, nothing doing! If Trixie sees you taking that piece, I'm a gonna for certain!} {Well, in that case, I'll just put it back.} {You can't put it back, Norton! It's too late; you already cut it out!} Maximillion watched in amazement, forgetting the horrors he witnessed outside. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Elsewhere, in the Hall of Just Ice, Rambutt is still recovering from a nasty hangover: "Unngh ... what happened? Where am I?" Rambutt muttered. "Hi, I'm Melvin the robot, pleased to meet your aquaintance!" "Geeze, a talking trash can!" Rambutt replied, rubbing his eyes. "I am not a trash can." Melvin replied, "I am a robot." "Pardon me." Rambutt apologized, "A talking bucket of bolts." Melvin whirred by, with his sickeningly large smile plastered on his face, "There is a message on the machine from the Defense Squad." "The who?" Rambutt muttered, trying to stand up. "The Defense Squad." "Let me hear it." "HELLO! DOES THIS THING WORK?!! ANYWAYS, THIS IS ! AND WE DON'T NEED YOUR HELP WITH THE CURRENT SITUATION IN NEW YORK! I HOPE I'M NOT TOO LATE!" "=GEESH=!" Rambutt moaned, feeling his head throb ever harder. "How about a couple of asprin to make your headache go away?" Melvin asked. "How about a crowbar to make YOU go away?!!" Rambutt cursed. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Somewhere in New York, Robopop and Nick Furry are talking with Comissioner Gordo: "I thought you guys were dead." Gordo replied. "Well, most of us are, sir." Robo answered, "WawaWoman and Max died and Average Man Tydied." "And Superior Man's in a coma." Nick added. "Oh well, there goes wishful thinking." Gordo muttered. "Pardon me?" Robo asked. "Nothing. I've got a job for you ... but, it seems you are not yet up to par." Gordo noted. "Well, we recruited one other person. His name is Rambutt." Nick said. "And where is he?" "Hungover in the Hall of Just Ice." "Well, you sure know how to pick your friends!" "It's been hard times." Nick replied, "I mean, I went from being a top payed secret agent to being a leader of a pathetic team in a two bit comic ... ah, no insult intended." "None taken." Robo answered, "I'm sure you meant that in the nicest way, or otherwise I'd be forced to hit you so hard that it'll give the words 'Face Lift' a totally different meaning." "=Ahem.= On the lighter side of matters-" Nick sidetracked, "What is the mission." "Mission? What mission?" Gordo asked, "Oh yeah, the mission. Well, it appears that there has been a two dimensional tool box found and it is currently locked in a secret base known as Alpha Beta." "How'd you know about it?" Nick asked. "It was in the newspaper." Gordo explained, "Anyways, Agents Gettit and Orange are afraid that some super villian might try to get this tool box and use it for their evil, twisted, diabolical ways." "So ... you want us to guard it." "Yes." Gordo answered, "That way, after it's been transfered to the Pentagon, WE can use it for our evil, twisted, diabolical ways." "That makes sense." Robo replied, leaving the room with Nick not far behind. Gordo picked up the phone, "Jane ... give me extention 3956." "Yes, this is Gordo." Gordo said into the phone, "You said that they were eliminated. "Well, one of them just walked into this room ... and unless George Romero's behind this, I sense trouble coming our way. "No, he knows nothing, but he's got help and listen to this ... Superior Man is still alive ... in a coma ... if he comes to-" A mail boy entered the room, dropping off a letter. "... if he comes to, the re-election campaign is over." WHAT'S THIS?! IS THIS WHAT I THINK IT IS? WHO IS GORDO TALKING TO? ARE ROBOPOP, NICK FURRY, AND RAMBUTT WALKING INTO A TRAP? WILL MAXIMILLION BE ABLE TO STOP THE GRR? DID AVERAGE MAN EVER EXIST? (To be continued in the next issue of The Legion of Stuperheros) ========================================================================= Date: 19 Sep 1991 20:27:28 Subject: The Legion of Stuperheros #8 From: Duke da Duck THE LEGION OF STUPERHEROS ISSUE #8 "Split Infinities" Part III By Ken Cooney Lurking somewhere in space, a ship shaped like a Whammo frisbee neared the orbit of Superworld: "Why are we flying THIS piece of trash?!!" Syntax Error yelled, glancing over the computer keypad, "I mean, this is the bare bones! No auto pilot, no galactic scanners, no FM radio?!!" "Well, it was all I could afford after paying the bondsman." a voice muttered, "Besides, with this ship, we can land on Superworld completely undetected." "UNDETECTED?!!" Syntax scoffed, "This thing would stick out like a sore thumb! I've seen cheap B rated movies with better ships that THIS! There's no WAY we'll be undetected! We don't even have a RADAR JAM!" "Yeah." Hard 'N Heavy agreed, "We ain't even got Strawberry Jam." "Listen!" the voice replied, "People will look up in the sky and then ignore us. Heck, the Super Scientists will dismiss this UFO citing because the ship looks like a frisbee!" Heavy and Syntax looked at eachother. "This is CRAZY!" Syntax mocked. "It makes perfect sense to me!" Heavy replied. "And THAT proves my point." Syntax continued. "Just do as I say!" the voice replied, "Redundant Man! Are you manning the artillery?!!" "No." Redundant yelled, "I'm waiting here by the guns!" "Good enough!" the voice answered, "SOON I am going to suck every last ounce of power off of Super World ... or I'm not DR. DOOM-WANABE!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, Robopop and Nick Furry are flying to the secret base, Alpha Beta: "Well." Nick said, turning his head out the window, "It'll be another two hours before we get to the base. We're just lucky we were able to get this private flight." "PRIVATE FLIGHT?!!" Robo sneezed, "This is a freakin' CARGO plane!" "Well, you can't ask for miracles on such short notice." "Miracles?!!" Robo rebutted, "How about SEATS! Or better yet, a plane that has flown AFTER World War Two! I mean there's mold and mildew and ... =ACHOO!= ... chickens!" "Compared to the smog of L.A., this ain't half bad." Nick said with a grin, "Besides ... look at it this way ... atleast ONE of the engines still work." CHUGGA CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG ... =gasp= "What was that?" Robo asked. "The other engine." An old man entered the back, "Well, it appears that the other engine konked out on us hehehe! Just to think it was only yeesterdae that I fixed the old son-of-a-gun ... what was it ... '42?" The two heros looked at eachother. "Please tell me there are chutes." Nick begged. "Sure, there be chutes. You'd think that I'd be crazy enough to fly without me chutes?!! Hornytoads, no!" the old man smiled, looking under a mound of feathers. "Let's just hope he has a few more brains cells than teeth!" Robo commented. "Now ... where did I put them?" the man mumbled, shoving a chicken aside, "Move on along, Claribell. Oh ... here they are ... both of them." "BOTH?!!" Nick and Robo gasped. "Well, I gotta go now .. oh yeah, gotta get rid of these chickens, here." the man muttered, opening the hatch door and tossing them out, "They can fly, I think..." After tossing out the four chickens (booting two of them), the man grabbed the fifth and jumped. "What do we do now?" Robo asked. "I think I have a solution." Nick muttered, reaching into his pocket. "Thank God, I thought we were gonners. So what is it?" "Heads or tails?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at the frozen planet of Cream, Maximillion is marveling the new discovery: "This technology is MIGHTY impressive." Max marveled, "But, how did you guys escape the Grr? I thought everyone died." "Not everyone." 536209 replied, "Some of use made clones of ourselves." "Yeah." 159001 remarked, "Some of even made clones of clones of clones. We thought at that point that just MAYBE the Grr might actually figure out what we were doing ... so, we stopped cloning around." "I'm confused." Maximillion muttered. "Well." 159001 continued, "The Grr aren't good at counting. They can't count to twenty unless they take off their shoes ... not to mention, how they count to twenty-one." "Yes," continued 536209, "We had some minimal success with crazy glueing the Grr's sneakers onto their feet, but found no use for such tactics." "We had better success with spiking their liquors with V-8." 159001 muttered, "But, of course, they breed like cockroaches." "Liquors?!!" Maximillion asked. "Yes, it seems that the Grr have need to always see the world in a harmonic buzz." "Ah, I see." Max replied, "In that case, I've got a plan." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at the Hall of Just Ice, Rambutt is STILL overcoming his hangover: "Unggh ..." Rambutt muttered, staring at the door. "You turn the knob." Melvin the robot replied. "I KNOW ... I KNOW." he muttered, opening the door. A bright blare of light pierced the room. "ARRGH!" he screamed, closing the door, "You got any shades here?" "Venician blinds." Melvin answered. "No, I mean glasses." "How about these." Melvin replied, as a drawer in his middle opened up, revealing a pair of funny nose glasses. "NO! Something for that bright light!" "They have protection against UV waves." Melvin said, handing them over. "I don't care about UV rays! Just daylight!" Melvin turned around for a second and then replied, "These stop the daylight.", handing Rambutt the same glasses. "That's better." Rambutt replied, putting them on, and going outside. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, at Super World, Average Man is pondering over an impossibility: "It's not possible that I didn't exist." Average Man muttered, "Let's start at this using logic. Descartes said, 'Cogito, sum' ... 'I think, I am.' Sometimes believed to be 'Cogito ergo sum' ... 'I think, therefore I am'..." "Correct." the Super Computer agreed, "Therefore, conclusion is that for a period of two years, you didn't think." "That's not the conclusion, and you know it!" "Processing ... dead people don't think ... conclusion is that you were dead ... error ... memory knows of death certificate ... also, the birth certificate's expiration date has not expired yet ... processing ..." "Maybe you forgot." Average replied. "I do not forget." "What if you forgot you'd forget." "I'd remember." the computer rebutted. "No you won't, because you forgot about it." "I'd know that I forgot." "Forget it!" "I can't." the computer stated in a matter-of-fact way. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at NBC, Barbra Walters is taking a break: "I wiwwy should consider a new caweew." Barbra replied, sipping coffee. "Barbra, there is someone here to see you." the stage man replied. "Wet him in." she replied. "Hi .. me name es Lendyl." "Nice to meet you. What's up?" "Up?" Lendyl replied, staring at the ceiling, "Jus de lights-" "I mean, why awe you hewe?" "Ahh! I be hoppin' fer a spot on ye shoe." "What's youw tawent?" Barbra asked. "Tirent?!!" "TAWENT ... What do you do!" "Oh ... I mix de paints ... I be painter." Lendyl replied. "Okay ... tawk to my agent." she said. Lendyl left the office and walked to a nearby phone, dropped in a dime, and dialed a number. "Hello ... dis be Dutch." Lendyl said, looking around, "No, she don' know who I be ... she don' know a ting." Lendyl looked at the office, watching Barbra walk back onto the set. "Ye want me to do operation X? What's dat?" Lendyl shook his head, "Oh ... de same as operation Y." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at Superguy Hospital, Superior Man is still in a coma: "Well, Drebin ... he can be in a coma for quite some time." a doctor replied, checking his pulse. "Doctor, maybe you should take the pulse of the PATIENT!" Drebin noted. "I know what I'm doing." the doctor replied, "I don't tell you how to do YOUR job!" "So." Drebin continued, "Can you make a guess on how long he'll be out." "Not for a week, maybe a month." "You can't tell me for up to a month? Why is that? Hospital policy?" "No-" "Then why don't you tell me? You ARE hiding something, aren't you?!!" "I AM NOT!" the doctor yelled. "Well, I'll tell you something Doc. Sooner or later I'll come to the bottom of this ... AND WHEN I DO .... ahh ... ummm ..." "Drebin, the phone." a nurse interrupted. "Hold that thought." Drebin replied, leaving. WHO'S LENDYL? WHAT'S OPERATION X? FOR THAT MATTER, WHAT'S OPERATION Y? WILL AVERAGE MAN EVER FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON? WILL RAMBUTT GET OVER HIS HANGOVER? WILL RAMBUTT GET HIS BUTT OVER SOMEWHERE AND SO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE? WHAT IS MAXIMILLION'S PLAN? WILL ROBO AND NICK DIE? WILL DR. DOOM-WANABE SUCCEED IN STEALING SUPERWORLD'S POWERS? (Continued next issue of the Legion of Stuperheros...) ========================================================================= Date: 23 Sep 1991 10:08:05 Subject: The Legion of Stuperheros #9 From: Duke da Duck THE LEGION OF STUPERHEROS ISSUE 9 "Split Infinities" part IV By Ken Cooney A shiny, bright, neon, florescent, glowing, pulsing, flashing, glimmering, sparkling (and large, huge, gigantic ...) Whammo frisbee landed on Super World: "What's that?!" Average Man wondered aloud, "A UFO?!" "Don't worry, it's just a frisbee." the Super Computer replied. "That's pretty large for a frisbee." "Trust me, UFOs don't look like frisbees." the Computer reasoned. The door on the frisbee opened, and four men walked out. "*I* am Dr. Doom-Wanabe!" the man with a metal mask replied, "And we're going to steal all the powers from Super World." Everyone started laughing. Everyone, that is, except Average Man, who was staring at the four new people. "Somehow ... they look ... familiar." Average noted. "They look familiar to me, too." Super Cede replied, "But then again, EVERYTHING looks familiar to me." "Look, it's Average Man!" Syntax shouted. "Yeah, and that guy next to him is Average Man, too!" Redundant Man replied, pointing to Average. "They KNOW me?!!" Average pondered. "I had an ingenious plan to take the valuables from New York and you FOILED it ... LITERALLY!" Wanabe replied, clenching his metal fist and his metal teeth. "I don't know who these guys are, but they look dangerous." "Dangerous?!!" the Super Computer laughed, "It's a bunch of Wanabes!" "HEY! Dat's an insult, isn't it?" Hard 'N Heavy asked. "Never mind that!" Dr. Doom-Wanabe noted, "Average Man doesn't know who we are! He must have AMNESIA!" "Not only that!" Redudnant Man replied, "He must have forgot!" "Shall I put him out of his misery?" Syntax grinned. "Naw ... let me! Let me!" Heavy begged, "I know a few jokes!" "GEESH!" Wanabe moaned, "I'm surrounded by IDIOTS!" Heavy stared at him dumbfounded. "NEVER MIND HIM!" Doom hissed, "Let's get to the task at hand!" Doom and his trio left the scene, heading North. "Isn't someone going to STOP them?!" Average Man yelled. "Naw!" the computer replied, "What can they do?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, somewhere 80,000 feet above the Earth, Robopop and Nick Furry are plundging to their death in a plane with no engines: "How about best two out of three?" Nick asked. "Naw, you can take the parachute." Robo muttered. "You REALLY mean it?!!" Nick said as his eyepatches lit up. "Yeah. The parachute is probably too heavy for my metallic body anyways." Nick quickly grabbed the chute, put it on, and shook Robo's metallic hand. "Gee ... thanks! You're such a pal and ... and ... ARRGH!! I CAN'T!" Nick screamed, "I've got a conscious, DAMN IT! I knew it'll be my downfall!" Nick handed the chute to Robo. "You know ... there's GOTTA be a way out of this so we BOTH survive!" Robo pondered. "WAIT! I GOT IT!" Nick shouted as he dashed for his briefcase. Nick opened it, revealing a Fax machine. "Let me guess. You're going to Fax a parachute." Robo mocked. "Correct!" "I was only joking!" "I'm not." Nick replied, "I'll just Fax an order to Acme Parachutes." Nick typed at the keyboard, entering his secret 10 digit code. "There." "Nick." Robo grunted, "Number one, he'll never GET here in time!" "Trust me, he will." Nick smiled, glancing at his watch. "Even if he DOES!" Robo snapped, "How the HECK is it going to GET here! He's not going to KNOCK on the GOD DAMN hatch!!!" =Knock knock= Robo stared at the hatch. Casually, Nick opened the door. "You ordered a parachute?" a man in an Acme uniform asked, "Sorry I'm a little late." "That's alright." Nick replied, taking the chute. "I DON'T believe this!" Robo stared, mouth wired open. "You got a tip ... you know ... anything to spare?" the delivery man asked. "Spare?" Nick muttered, "Oh yeah!" Nick reached into the back of the plane, grapped a spare, and handed it to the man, at which point, the delivery man prompty plummeted. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at the frozen planet of Cream: "Look!" a Grr replied with a smile, "More 'bulk containers'!" Lying on the ground were several kegs. "Drink up, man." he responded as several Grr mobbed the area. The Grr tapped the keg at which point the keg exploded. =KA-FOOOM!= "It worked!" 536209 yelled. "I told you it would." Max responded. Several times, the same tactic was used, and the Grr, having a minimal intellectual capacity, never figured out what was going on. "What was that explosion?" a Grr asked. "I dono." the second muttered, "Look ... a 'bulk container'!" "I dono about this." the first noted, "People been blowing up when they tapped kegs." "Don't worry ... this is a beer ball!" the second said, tapping it. =FOOOOOOM!= Somewhere out in space, the Grr imperial leader was watching the fiasco: "This looks mighty funny." the leader replied. "We have been tracking random explosions everywhere." Grr commander Alpha answered. "I don't like this one bit." "Sir, a 'bulk container' at twelve o'clock." Commander Gamma said. "Don't go near it ... I sense a trap." the leader noted, "Do the clones THINK that I am so STUPID as to think kegs grow on trees!" "Captain, red alert!" Alpha shouted. "What is it?!! An attacking vessle?" "No, sir. It's a drunk, naked, buxom, blonde, native female from the planet Sororitus Jappiest." "Follow that woman!" the captain ordered, drooling, "LOOK at those LARGE tracks of land!" Back at Cream: "Where are they going?" 536209 asked. "I didn't think they'd be stupid enough to tap the keg." Max responded, "So, I taped a picture of a naked woman at the end of a long stick and crazy glued it to the front of the ship." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back infront of the Legion of Stuperheros, Rambutt is still wearing the funny nose glasses: "Robopop and Nick Furry are on their way to base Alpha Beta." Melvin replied. "Now that's the funniest thing I ever hoid." Rambutt answered, having the strange urge of holding a cigar, "I think I'll walk." "WALK?!" Melvin rebutted, "But that's well over 2000 miles! I think you should get a second opinion." "You want a second opinion? You're ugly, too." Suddenly Melvin's drawer opened up, revealing a phone, "It's Nick. Do you want to answer the phone?" "Answer it?" Rambutt laughed, picking up the phone, "I haven't even hoid the question!" {Rambutt, I'm sending you the location of where we're at.} "Well, thank you for your concern." Rambutt responded. {=grumble= ... sarcasm ... Gee, I miss people like Average Man.} Nick sighed. "Well, shoot straighter next time." {MELVIN ... you didn't give Rambutt the glasses of Perpetual Marxism, did you?} "Who me? Would *I* do a thing like that?" Melvin said. {Take those glasses off of him RIGHT NOW!} Nick ordered, {They could be deadly in the wrong hands.} GEE, IS THAT A HINT OR WHAT? WILL SOMEONE ACCIDENTALLY STUMBLE UPON THE GLASSES OF PERPETUAL MARXISM? WILL THE GRR LEADER FOREVER SAIL THROUGH SPACE? WILL NICK FURRY AND ROBOCOP EVER GET TO ALPHA BETA? WILL AVERAGE MAN REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED DURING THOSE TWO YEARS? WILL DR. DOOM-WANABE SUCCEED IN TAKING ALL THE POWER FROM SUPER WORLD? (Continued ... yet again ... in the next issue) ========================================================================= Date: 23 Sep 1991 10:13:10 Subject: The Legion of Stuperheros #10 From: Duke da Duck THE LEGION OF STUPERHEROS ISSUE 10 =The Special Regular Sized Issue!= "Split Infinities" Part V By Ken "Will this ever end?" Cooney On the Northern most reaches of Super World, Dr. Doom-Wanabe, and his crew of muscle headed grunts stand agasp: "Hey, Doom! When ya said you were gonna pull the plug on Super World, I never knew that you were litteral!" Hard 'N Heavy noted. For before the four foreign forboding forming forces (EI: infront of them), was a series of plugs. "Geesh ... which one is it?" Syntax wondered. "Maybe it's this one." Redundant Man replied pointing to a plug. "Or perhaps it's this one." he continued, pointing to the same plug. "There's only one way to find out!" Heavy huffed heavily as he heaved. =click= hey, what you did we turned comic idiot! do? the off, you do what now? put do plug we the back in! =click= "That's much better." Doom sighed, "Let's be careful next time." "How about this one." Redundant said, pointing to the very same plug. "Try the white one." Doom ordered. =click= "Anything?" Heavy asked. "That's not the right one!" Doom noted, "You pulled the plug on Twin Peaks." "Wait a minute!" Bill Paul said, hacking into Ken Cooney's Vax account, "Let me plug my new comic, 'The Defense Squad'!" "Get out of here!" Doom hissed, "I'll find that plug if it's the last thing I do." Suddenly, Doom died! [Just kidding ... I couldn't resist! -Ken] "Get out here." Doom yelled to the writer, "You're botherin' me." =shrug= =mumble= I get no respect ... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After a long drop, Robopop and Nick Furry found themselves in a very deserted desert: "Well, according to my calculations, we're 20 miles NE of Alpha Beta." Nick replied, tapping on the computer in his briefcase. "I wonder where we are." Robo muttered. "I just TOLD you, we're 20 miles NE of Alpha Beta." "I KNOW that! I mean what is this place." Robo replied. "It looks like some kind of desert." "Geesh. You sound like Redundant Man." Robo noted, "Wait, here's something." Robo bent over and picked up a wooden sign that was lying on the ground, face down. "Nick ... I don't like the look of this." Robo muttered. "What-" "This place is a nuclear test site." "WHAT?!!" Nick yelled. "Don't worry! According to this sign, they only test on Mondays at Noon." "Robo ... today's Monday! What time is it?" "It's-" =FOOOOOOOOOOOM!= -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Elsewhere at that moment, Drebbin was at the Super Hospital, sitting by the door to Superior Man's room: "Drebbin?" "Yah!" Frank yelled, reading a karate chop that resembled those made by Inspector Cleauso. "Frank, it's me." "Nordburg? What are you doing here?" "I'm taking over for you on the shift." "I don't need any relief." Drebbin replied. "But you were asleep-" "I was only PRETENDING that I was asleep! I fooled YOU!" Nordburg shook his head. "Well ... I'll be in my office if you ever need me." Nordburg said as he started down the stairs. "Oh Nordburg!" Drebbin yelled, opening the door as Nordburg approached it, hitting Nordburg dead in the face, causing Nordburg to fall down a flight of stairs, "Ah ... take care." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, back in Superguy issue #774, a new person walked up to a UA at the University of Hartford: "Hi ... I'd like an account." he replied. "Do you have your papers?" the UA asked. "Papers? I'm an American!" "No ... class schedule papers." "Oh." the man replied, handing him the papers. "Name." "Johnathan Clap." "Class." "Senior." "No ... I mean the class you nead it for." "Oh ... CBS 100." Clap muttered. "CBS 100?" "Yeah ... Basket Weaving Appreciation." "That's not in this list." "Sure it is." John said as he clapped twice, "On the bottom." "Well well, I'll be damned." the UA muttered, "Ok, your password is your social security number." John walked up to the vax and turned it on. "It'll take a day or so for your account to work." "It's fine." John said, clapping twice. The account accepted his name and password. At this point, join sent a mail message: mail> send To: Jnet%"Nicbbs@bitnic" Subject: Umbb.Superguy Reset Superguy Issues The message: Clap clap WHAT THE HECK IS THIS? HAS KEN FINALLY GONE OFF THE DEEP END? IS ROBOPOP AND NICK FURRY DEAD? WILL KEN STOP KILLING OFF HIS CHARACTERS ALREADY? (Continued in the next issue of The Legion of Stuperheros ...) ========================================================================= Date: Thu, 10 Oct 1991 13:58:00 EDT Reply-To: UCF SUPERGUY List Sender: UCF SUPERGUY List From: Duke da Duck Subject: SG: The Legion of Stuperheros #11 (It took look enough!) THE LEGION FOF STUPERHEROS ISSUE #11 (With Cameo Appearances of Lue "Boy Am I Hulking" Ferigno and Bill Paul) "Split Infinities" Part VI (Don't panic, Bill, that's 6, not VI!) By No Name Cooney At the University of Hartford, way back in Sept 20th or so, Bill logged onto his account: "Hmm ... Nicbbs received issue #10 of the Defense Squad." Bill mumbled in his half sleep state, "SUPERGUY 1?!!" Yes, apparently, somehow Nicbbs regurgitated and rebooted, setting the issue number to issue 1. "But how?" Bill muttered, thinking .... "KEN! GET IN HERE!" Meanwhile, Ken is safely across campus, writing the next Legion episode... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Elsewhere, at the University, someone else logs on to the Vax: "Yes!" Johnathan Clap yelled aloud, "My experiment was a success!" John tapped away at the keyboard. "Happy happy days!" he rejoiced, "Maybe I can eliminate Ken." [What?] "What are you doing here?" [I'm writing this story.] "Oh ... um ... only kidding." John muttered, exiting the mailer, mumbling something under his breath, "No matter ... I have somehow transplanted the almighty power, the ultimate power, the unnerving power, the complete and unabridged power of the Clapper!" [The WHAT?!!] "The clapper ... you know ... clap on-" =clap clap= The lights to CC114 suddenly went on. "Clap off-" =clap clap= The lights flicked off, leaving the Senior UAs staring at the lights. "Clap on, clap off ... the Clapper." [So you're-] "Clapper Man!" [Someone's seriously gonna kill me.] "Damn right." Clapper Man muttered. [Excuse me?] "Nothing." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, at the nuclear test site: "Ooh ..." Nick groaned, "If you didn't cover me, I'd be Nick Glowing!" Robo sat up, armor shining, "Actually, I'm glad it happened. I haven't had a good sandblasting in a long time." From out in the distance, a big green Hulking man crawls out of a pit. "Oh no ... not again." Lue moaned, "Just when the green paint was starting to wear off." Lue got up, "Damn! Ruined a good pair of pants, too!" Lue dusted off the dirt from the shreds of pants, "How did I get here, anyway?" [You didn't ... this is just a cameo appearance.] "I don't follow you." Lue replied, confused. [Well, in the Superguy universe, we found out that interest grows with the appearance of certain comics. So, instead of waiting until you were done with Stan (which might take forever, at the rate I'm going), I decided to put you in this comic as a cameo appearance, to gain interest in this comic.] "So ... I'll return to the Stan comics?" [Yep.] "And my skin and these jeans." [Sorry, that's irreplacable ... we're kind of low on the budget funds. The recession and all.] "Damn!" "HEY!" Nick yelled, "I thought he was just a cameo appearance!" [Sorry, I got carried away.] "Well, let's get on with this comic already!" Nick and Robo found themselves only a few feet from the base Alpha Beta. "How'd we get here?" Nick asked. "The bomb must have blown us into the sky and shot us here." Robo commented. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, due to the unusual turn of events caused by Clapper Man, somehow Average Man, Maximillion, and WawaWoman gained their memory back. Suddenly, without warning, a hundred robotic slaves attacked our heros. "Hey, who do you think you are?!! Bill Paul?!!" Average yelled. Sorry. Average Man built a rocket ship and rocketed to the rocking planet of earth, rocking in space, until finally crashing on rocks. Maximillion did the same, for lack of creativity on the author's part. WawaWoman went to the Hall of Just Ice, meeting Average Man, Maximillion, and the new recruit Rambutt. After many warm greeting and welcomes and "Hi, how are ya" "Hi, how are ya" "Hi, how are ya" ... Average Man told the group about Dr. Doom-Wanabe's latest plot. "We've gotta get Robo and Nick and get there immediately!" Max noted. But, before doing so, suddenly, without warning, a hundred robotic slaves attacked our heros. "Whewe did aw dese wobots come fwom?!!" WawaWoman yelled. "Superguy backlog." Max deducted, "Ken must have disrupted the Superguy reality by prematurely killing us off." "Not quite!" a voice replied. Our heros glanced down off the page onto the next panel. "Who are you?!!" they all asked. "I'm Clapper Man!" "Clapper Man?!!" "YES! CLAPPER MAN!!!" he yelled, "You know ... clap on =clap clap= clap off =clap clap= clap on, clap off ... the Clapper!" "You're MAD!" Average Man shouted. "Actually, the writer is mad." Max noted. "I'm not mad!" Clapper Man rebutted, "I have waited a long time to see my idea of the Clapper gaining it's full potential-" "GEESH, it sound like the 'This is my life story of hardships' segment of the comic." Max noted. "My life WAS hard!" Clapper Man replied, "I was known as Johnathan Clap. In high school, kids used to make fun of me in class. It was harsh! Whenever I came into a classroom, people would clap and clap and CLAP AND CLAP-" "I think we get the point-" Max started. "SHUT UP!" Clapper Man yelled, "Now where was I? Oh yeah. Clap and clap. Anyways, it was then that I decided that I'd show THEM and started my life long project of harnessing the clapping sound. "After years of development, 'The Clapper' was made. My idea was now able to revolutionize the world. I though, what POWER this little Clapper held, and what did they do?!! THEY USED IT TO TURN OFF LIGHTS! A masterpiece turned into commercialized garbage! I invisioned clap controlled doors, clap controlled machinery, clap controlled rockets! Now, when people think of clappers, they think about that homely, ugly old lady at the end of that blasted commercial! "So, now, *I*, Clapper Man, has harnessed the ULTIMATE power of clapping!" "This guy's ready for the nut house." Max remarked. "Yo, let's toast 'em." Rambutt muttered, thinking about a straw. Suddenly, a straw appeared in Rambutt's hands. "A straw?!" Average mocked, "You're going to toast them with a straw?!!" "Yeah." Rambutt muttered, shooting a round of spit balls. Several robots impacted when the spitballs hit the robots' armor. "Amazing!" Max gasped, "Unlimited fire power!" "Yeah ... just gotta get ammo every so often." Rambutt muttered, chewing on some tree bark. Max stood in his Bruce Lee stance. WawaWoman took out her "vibwanium awwoy" sword. Rambutt readied his straw. Average Man readied his ... -ah ... um ... was ready. "To arms!" Clapper Man said, clapping twice. Suddenly, the robots changed into arms. "I gotta watch what I say." Clapper Man noted, "To robot slaves with guns, lasers, and other neat killing stuff." =clap clap= The robots re-appeared with guns, lasers, and other neat killing stuff. "CHARGE!" Clapper Man yelled, clapping twice. The robots madly rushed at the heros with credit cards in hand. "With your weapons, you idiots!" Clapped Man shouted, clapping twice again. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- While that pathetic battle was going on, Dr. Doom-Wanabe looked on at the clutter of two and three prong plugs: "Damn you!" Doom yelled, "I told you to plug the damn things back in after you pulled them out!" "Wait." Syntax replied, "Let me choose." "Yes ... wize decision." Doom replied. "This is the plug of a Maytag Dishwasher ... and this is the plug of a Bud Light neon sign ... try this one." Syntax handed Doom a gold plated plug. "Ah ... definately the plug of plugs!" Doom grinned behind his iron mask. Doom opened up a pannel in his chest, revealing a plug outlet. Quickly, Doom plugged it in. "ARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHH!" Doom yelled as sparks flew everywhere, "What's happening to me?!!" "Silly me." Syntax noted, "That's the plug for the Vax mailer! The Super World plug DEFINATELY wouldn't be gold!" "N-N-N-N-N-NOW-Y-Y-Y-YOU-T-T-TELL-M-M-M-ME!" Doom shouted, struggling to pull the plug out. WILL DOOM EVER GET THE PLUG TO SUPER WORLD? WILL THE NEWLY FORMED LEGION OF STUPERHEROS BE DEFEATED BY CLAPPER MAN? WILL THERE BE ANY MORE CAMEO APPEARANCES OF OTHER VILLIANS? WILL THERE BE ANY MORE CAMEO APPEARANCES OF OTHER WRITERS? IF SO, WILL THE WRITING OF THIS COMIC SOMEHOW IMPROVE? (Continued in the next issue of "The Legion of Stuperheros" ...) ========================================================================= Date: Fri, 8 Nov 1991 17:40:00 EDT Reply-To: UCF SUPERGUY List Sender: UCF SUPERGUY List From: Duke da Duck Subject: SG: The Legion of Stuperheros #12 THE LEGION OF STUPERHEROS ISSUE #12 "Split Infinities" Part VII Or "WE'RE BACK ... to back to back to back." By Ken "It's about time!" Cooney At Alpha Beta, Nick and Robopop arrive to their destination: "Nick Funny and Robopop reporting for duty." Nick replied, saluting. "Fine." a guard replied, "I'm Agent Orange. We've been waiting for you guys for quite some time ... infact, since issue 12 of OUR comic." "So, where is this box?" Robo asked. "In cell 13 I believe." Orange replied, tapping the microphone button, "Agent Gettit get it." {Why can't Agent History get it.} Gettit replied. "Because, Agent History is history." {How'd that happen?} "History lost his mind some time ago." Orange explained, "Remember when History kept repeating himself?" {Oh yeah ... well, I'll be right there.} A nearby door opened, and Gettit walked out, greeting the men. "What's the point of an incom if you're right next door?" Nick asked. "Well, we had to do SOMETHING with the budget money!" Gettit explained. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at the Hall of Just Ice, Max, Average, WawaWoman, and Rambutt are fighting back to back to bakc to back against the mindless robotic slaves: "This is pathetic!" Average noted, "We must do something!" "We are!" Max grunted, "We're destroying the robots!" "I mean BESIDES that!" Rambutt fired a series of spitballs at some of the robots infront of him, destroying them. Immediately, twice as many took their place. The robots started surround and finally engulfing the group. WawaWoman paniced, slicing and dicing at a nearby robot and started shaking wildly. "You alright?" Max asked. "I-i-it's m-m-my vi-i-ibwanium s-s-sword." she replied. "VIBRANIUM!" Average replied, "That's it!" "What's it?" Max asked. "Rambutt, fire a field of spitballs straight toward Clapper Man." "Where is he?" Rambutt asked. "Just follow the clapping sound." Max noted. Rambutt chewed on the remaining pieces of tree bark and started a fierce barrage of pelting spit balls, destroying robots left and right. "Head for the clearing!" Average yelled, as the group practically dived for the vacant spot. The robots toppled onto them in a scene of chaos vaguely resembling the zombies of the Night of the Living Dead. "Off!" Max yelled, booting a robot's head off. "Rambutt, fire that way." Average yelled, pointing north. "I'm trapped!" Rambutt yelled from within a mass of robotic slaves. A mass barrage of twisted metal and components rained upon the group as Rambutt fired point blank above him. Quickly, Rambutt refired towards the north, opening another small gap. "WawaWoman, hit Clapper Man with the sword!" Average Man ordered. In a mad furry of maniac proportions, WawaWoman charged at Clapper Man, sword raised, screaming aloud. Clapper Man turned around to witness WawaWoman hit him in the arm. "ARRGH!" he shouted, collapsing to the ground, "You hit my funny bone!" In quick haste, our heros finished the remaining walking tin cans. At that point in time, a few cruisers arrived at the scene. "We'll take it from here." a cop replied handcuffing Clapper Man. "Gee, thanx. I didn't think we'd be able to handle him." Robopop sarcastically replied. "I'm glad you guys are back." a second cop said with a smile. The two took Clapper Man into their police car. "You know." the first cop added, as he entered the front seat, "You guys deserve a hand." "Ah ... if it's alright with you, we'd rather that you don't." Average Man muttered, wiping the sweat off of his brow. ching ching The group turned around to see a man in a blue jacket, blue slacks, and a funny hat riding on a ten speed bike. The man approached Average Man with an envelope. "Speedy delivery!" he said with a twisted grin. "What is it?" Robopop asked. "Bad news." Average answered. "Our subscription to Omni expired?!!" Robo gasped. "Worse." Average moaned, "The IRS says we've been audited!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back on Superworld, Dr. Doom-Wanabe slowly gets up from aftershock, moans, and yells at the incompitent fools he brought with him. "IDIOTS! You can't do ANYTHING right, can you?!" Doom shouted, smashing his iron fist against a transistor. "I think this one's it, boss." Syntax muttered, handing Doom a white plug. "IT BETTER BE!" Doom yelled, plugging it in, "YEEEEEEAAAAARRRRGGGHH!" "Oops ... I think this is the right time to exit stage right." Syntax muttered. "Not only that, but we better leave." Redundant man rebutted. "Too late, the boss is up and around." Hard 'N Heavy grunted. "Boss, how do you feel?" Syntax asked. "You know ... I could just kiss you!" Doom shouted with joy. "SHEET ... the doctor turned into a homosexual!" Heavy said, scratching his head. "NO, you idiot! We found it! We found the plug." "=WE= found it ..." Heavy replied. "Shaddap Heavy." "You di't do nuthin' 'xcept yell." "Shaddap Heavy." "'nfact, you ain't done nuthin' all day today." A bolt of lightnight fell from the sky, striking Heavy on the head. A large flash engulfed the air. "You know." Doom chuckled, watching Heavy groaning on the ground, "If you weren't so thick headed, you'd probably be dead by now." Elsewhere on Superworld, the effects of the plug being pulled was felt: "Super computer, what happened?" Super Stitious asked, "I feel wierd ... I mean, I just stepped on a crack." "*System failure error core dump*" the Super computer muttered. "This is strange." Super Conductor muttered, "I mean, Super Fly Snooka can REALLY wrestle, Super Calafragilisticespialadocious is not so attrocious anymore-" "It looks like a computer crash." Super Lative blandly remarked. "Hey, guys, my stunt worked ... and look, no scratches!" Super Dave Osbourne smirked. "Something is REALLY wrong here ... as if ... we LOST our powers!" Super Cede replied. "Not only that ... but the author hasn't placed any horrible puns lately." Super Conductor noted. At that same moment in time that Doom plugged himself in, Ken Cooney was typing this very sentence. A quick surge of energe jumped into Ken's body c a a aa a aua aua aua au a s sis i i ni ing h i i i m to oo c on vulse. "I feel wierd." Ken muttered, "An for some stange feeling I have this innane need to type to boring bogus stuff in this very episode of superguy." Ken got up from the vax. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Now. Umm .. this is Melvin the robot, here at the Hall of Just Ice. Er .. I kind of noticed this message just left hanging here. Since I have nothing better to do at the moment, and seeing that this is the first REAL appearance that I have had in The Legion Of Superheros, I decided to finish this story. So ... now ... where was I? Oh yeah ... CONTINUED NEXT ISSUE! ... yeah, that sounds about right. Oh yeah, I forgot those stupid plugs for next issue ... umm ... WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO KEN? WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE LEGION OF STUPERHEROS NOW? WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO DOOM AND SUPERWORLD? WILL I REMEMBER TO GET MY OIL CHANGED BEFORE TYPING THE NEXT ISSUE? IS THERE A SALE AT K-MART FOR MOTOR OIL, OR SHOULD I NOT USE THE CHEAP STUFF, SEEING THAT IT MAY GIVE ME THE RUNS? WHY ARE THESE STUPID PLUGS ALWAYS IN CAPS? NOW THAT =I'M= TYPING THIS SERIES, CAN I MAKE MYSELF AN ALMIGHTY SUPER SUPREME ROBOTIC GOD MEANT TO BE WORSHIPED BY ALL THE PEONS ON THE WORLD IF NOT THE UNIVERSE ... OR WILL I RELUCTANTLY JUST RELATE THE STORY AS IS? WHAT IS A MORAL DILEMMA DOING HERE WHEN I AM A ROBOT WITH NO MORALS, JUST SUBPROCESSOR COMMANDS AND FUNCTIONS? ... find out the answers to one of these questions in my next posting in SUPERGUY! ========================================================================= Date: Sun, 10 Nov 1991 13:49:00 EDT Reply-To: UCF SUPERGUY List Sender: UCF SUPERGUY List From: COONEY%HARTFORD.BITNET@YALEVM.YCC.YALE.EDU Subject: SG: Melvin The Robot And The Legion of Stuperheros #13 MELVIN THE ROBOT AND THE LEGION OF STUPERHEROS ISSUE #13 "Split Infinities" Part VIII Or "Why is it always the thirteens that something goes wrong?!!" By Melvin the Robot Date: later than last date Sitting in the Hall of Just Ice, Melvin was drinking Penzoil. Above him, a couple robotic people made from parts of 486 computers, were fanning him with a fan belt: Of course, these robots had within them set with Melvin's prime directives of robotics: A) Sexual Appeal (EI: They love a robot with a large hard drive) B) Subserviant (EI: A computer's best place is in the home) C) Swoons to synthesized musical orchestrations of Tchiakofski, Bach, Beethoven, and Elvis. Anyways, Melvin relaxed on his easy chair. "You know ... maybe I should write up episode 13." Melvin remarked. So, the master of the intergalactic everything-that-ever-was-is-and- will-be walked up to the old VT220 computer ... no ... the IBM 486 52 Mhz ... no ... the HAL 2000 ... no .... the BANANA JR. 6000! Yeah, that's it. With BANANA WRITE and BANANA DRAW and BANANA COM and BANANA MODEM and INFINITE BANANA MEMORY and ... ahem ... the story. Ken soon gained his memory and found he had something sticking out of him: "I already KNEW that I had something sticking out of me." Ken yelled. OTHER THAN THAT! "Oh..." Ken muttered. It was a plug. So, Ken, being the wierdo that he was, decided to plug it in the nearest outlet. The lights dimmed to a low fizzle. "Neato!" Ken replied, amused by the simple mediocrity of life. Ken then leaned on the door knob and felt a shock. "Arrgh!" It was then that he deduced that he had super powers. And thus, by the nature of his powers called himself: "A GOD!" HA HA HA HA HA HA! HO HO HO HO HO! HEE HEE HEE! GUFFAH! HE HE HE! "Err ... shaddap." HEE HEE HEE ... S - S - SORREE HEE HEE HEE! "How about-" =silence= " C A P T A I N K I L O W A T T ! " =ahem ... woosh!= With a thunderclap, Ken jolted through the sky, looking for Super Heroey things to do. Back at base Alpha Beta: "Ship approaching" Agent Orage noted, "Shall I oblitterate it?" "How about hailing it?" Nick Furry remarked. "Alright, but if they oblitterate us first, you're going to hang for it." Orange muttered, "Hail-" Nothing. "Alright, I tried." Orange replied, "I'm going to oblitterate it." "Wait a minute ... a quick 'hail' and that's it." "Look, they should have responded by now. They're probably already arming their nuclear photon blasters and training them on us." "They're hailing us." Agent Gettit commented. "Ingore it." "I beg your pardon?!!" Robo muttered. "It's a trap!" {The Legions of Stuperheros hailing Alpha Beta.} "Wait a minute ... WE'RE the Legion of Stuperheros!" Robopop muttered. "DESTROY it, I say, before it's too late!" {This is Average Man.} "Average Man?!! But he's dead!" Robo replied. "DESTROY IT!" Orange yelled. "Shut up, or I'm shoving my Robo fist down your throat." Robo cursed, "Average? Is that you?" {Yes, we're very much alive.} "But how?" {They forgot to but chalk marks around our dead bodies ... so, we were brought back to life.} "Amazing." Nick muttered, "This could save us a fortune in SHELLED." "Shelled?" Orange asked. "Secret Hungover Edgy Long Living Executive Defense." {We got someone with us in a Robocop suit.} "My stunt double?" Robopop asked. {No, your son Alex. He was mistaken by the author as you.} Don't look at me ... I didn't do it. [Melvin the godlike robot] "Son?" Nick asked, "So, would that be ... Roboson?" "Nahh ... too close it Robinson." Orange noted, "We'll just call him RoboAlex." {Ah ... guys ... may we land now? We've been hanging in the air for several paragraphs now.} "Ah ... permission to land." Gettit replied. "I still say we should have destroyed it." Orange rebutted. Meanwhile, on what was left of Super World: "Now." Doom replied, collecting himself from all of this giddiness, "I am going to DESTROY every puny planet except this one and Earth!" =WHAM!= =SHABAM!= =CRACK-A-POW!= The skies exploded in a spectacle of dazzeling dazzledom as each planet ceased to be. =POW!= =WHAP!= =WOP!= =BABALOO!= =BOP!= =A WHAP!= =BAM!= =BOO!= =TOOTIE FRUITI A RUDY!= =WHOP!= =WHOP!= =DO WAAAAAH!= Silence. "I did it!" Doom yelled, "Now Earth will KNEEL before their ruler!" "Not only that, but they'll pay homage to you." Redundant Man commented. "What about the inhabitance of Super World?" Syntax asked. "They're weak and puny! NO ONE (except maybe the almighty, all powerful, immaculate, superior, and well mannered Marvin the Robot) can stop me now!" =SHAKOOM!= "You're wrong!" a voice cried. Doom turned to where the voice was coming from, quite startled. "What?!" "No, Kilowatt! CAPTAIN Kilowatt to you!" Ken replied, "Now stop all of this silliness now or I'll have to remove your new found powers!" "HA .. try it!" Doom mocked "Okay." Kilowatt replied, "Suddenly, Doom lost his powers!" Nothing. "I SAID, SUDDENLY, DOOM LOST HIS POWERS!" Still nothing. "=ahem= ... Suddenly Doom let the old dolf leave?" A barrier of rubber padded walls fell over Ken. "Oh bugger." a muffled voice replied. "Well, that aces it. Not even Ken can stop us." Syntax noted. "Don't leave him completely out of it. A fluke is bound to happen." Doom noted, "Hard 'N Heavy, I want you to stand guard." A loud rumbling was heard. "What the-?!" "Doom." a voice replied. "KEN?! But ... how ... why ... where ... when ...?" "No, it is I, Kne. Ken's evil twin. I was sentenced to banishment in the Superguy negative altiverse. Somehow, I was brought back." "It must have been something I did." Doom replied. "Well, then I owe you some graditude. As a favor, I will complete this story and kill off of ALL of Ken's Superheros!" Excuse me, but you're not going to do that. "Who's that?" This is the almighty, godlike Melvin the Robot. "Bugger off!" NOW WAIT A GOSH DARN MIN - ... =bork= =bork= There, now I have control over this episode. CONTINUED IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE LEGION OF EX-SUPERHEROS WITH SPECIAL CROSSOVERS GALORE ... HEH HEH HEH! ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 7 Apr 1992 11:23:00 EDT Reply-To: UCF SUPERGUY List Sender: UCF SUPERGUY List From: Duke da Duck Subject: SG: The crisis continues with Legion of Stuperheros #14!!! M E L V I N T H E G O D - L I K E R O B O T and what's their face... (the Legion of Ex-Superheros) By Melvin The God-Like Omniscient Stunningly Handsome Robot ISSUE 14 "Looking for adventure..." [Continued from Crisis #3] Last Legion of Stuperheros, the group finally go back together, just in time to watch the universe get destroyed into little bits of bits. They later met Ken's other creations at some non-descript place. "The Hall of Just Ice," Average noted. Yeah, that's it. Anyway, they were met by the Awesome Force and Pizarro, the negative universe version of Flat Phoot. While nothing was happening plot wise, our heros decided to wander about the ship in search of trouble. The group consisted of Average Man, the new leader ... Nick Furry, the second in command ... Maximillion, the third in command ... Melvin, the hunk of a robot that should be in command but it too modest to say so ... Superior Man, fourth in command, thrice removed ... WawaWoman, not weawy intewested in being in command wight now ... Robopop, a man who was once in command who is now neither in command nor man ... RoboAlex, who is not in command, nor ever was, nor was he a man, modest, leader, nor thrice removed ... and Rambutt, someone who wouldn't know what command was if it walked up to him and slapped him silly across the face. They wandered in the hall, not knowing about the evil villian that is lurking in the next paragraph. Behind the shadows, in the darkest reaches of the corner right infron of our heroes, lurks a villian so hideous, we'll can only refer this creature as , so to preserve the comic code, the moral taste code, the morse code, and the dress code. Our heros stopped in their tracks as they came across . "Oh my God! What is that?!" Alex gasped. "It's !" Max replied. "But, he doesn't have rock hard skin!" Rambutt muttered. "He's just covered in this ." "No Thing, ," Robo corrected. "One step closer and I'll just my power on you!" thung. Rambutt, realizing the silliness of this whole situation took out his AK-47 Machinegun with automatic wind adjustmant sites, and sub atomic self detonating heat sensor bullets, and blew the into little bits of s. Unknown to our heros, behind the NEXT corner is another vile creature, so twistedly malformed and wretchedly distraught that in all good taste, we can only refer to this being as Geraldo Rivera. With a half chaotic jump and unintended split, Geraldo said (in a high pitch voice) "Nuclear bolemic trisexual biker physicist subatomic toe cheese and the women who love them", on our next Geraldo!" The entire group froze stiff as their bones stiffened. They all knew that if they didn't shut him up soon, it would be too late. "Quick, the Robochair (tm)!" Avergae yelled. Robo grabbed his Robochair (tm) from within his utility belt (actually, it was hiding in his but crack that the utility belt gave him, but that's another story entirely). With a quick swing, Robo deftly smashed Rivera in the face. "The noeth! Why always the noeth!" Geraldo yelled, holding his nose. "I was aiming for his legs!" Robo rebutted. Geraldo crawled back into the shadows like the slug that he is. Unknown to our heros, behind the very NEXT corner was absolutely nothing. Gee, that was hardly worth mentioning, now that I think of it. Anyway, Alex noticed a Strange Looking Thing (tm). "Gee," Alex muttered, "This is a Strange Looking Thing (tm)." Alex looked at it a little closer. "Alex, don't!" Average yelled. Alex disappeared into the Strange Looking Thing (tm) [see issue 4 of Crisis of Infinite Secret Wars for more information]. "We've got to get in there and get him out," Robo muttered. "Do we have to?!" Max asked. "Well, we were looking for adventure and it seems like it has found US!" Average explained. "Uh, Superior Man, you go first," Robo replied. "Gee, I don't know ... it looks aweful big and-" Rambutt shoved him in with a quick thrust. "Who's next?" Average asked. The remaining members of the group decided to jump in at the same time. Well, I guess that ends our story ... um ... there's no one around to write something about. Hmm ... only 83 lines .... SUDDENLY, Rambutt, being too stupid, somehow tumbled backwards back into the ship. "?" Rambutt asked. Rambutt looked around the ship, seeing the walls, the Strange Looking Thing (tm), and hearing the other voices of the other super beings, wondered where he was. upon seeing a sign that said "You are Here", Rambutt concluded that he was here. Shaking his head, he wandered down the hall, and into his special one shot issue. [See Rambutt ... Special One Shot Issue] Outside ... unbeknownst to everythin except the author who is writing this (actually, I just beknownst this just now) a huge, monsterous robot started dwadling its way into space, looking for Mutants. "Detection huge ship with several mutant like heroes," the thing synthesized into its huge microprocessing brain. "Intercept." Kicking in its after burners, it approached the ship. [To be continued in Crisis #4] WILL THE MONSTEROUS ROBOT KICK MUTANT BUTT? WILL RAMBUTT REALIZE JUST WHERE THE HECK HE IS? WHERE ARE THE LEGION OF STUPERHEROS? HAVE THEY SUCKED THEMSELVES INTO ANOTHER NIFTY CLIFF HANGER? Read Crisis #4, Legion #15, and Rambutt one shot for further stuff. ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 21 Apr 1992 10:57:00 EDT Reply-To: UCF SUPERGUY List Sender: UCF SUPERGUY List From: Duke da Duck Subject: "The Crisis thingie again ..." The Legion of Stuperheros #15 M E L V I N T H E G O D - L I K E R O B O T and the Legion of Ex-Superheros By Melvin The God-Like Omniscient Stunningly Handsome Robot ISSUE 15 "Can't Touch This" Through the Strange Looking Thing (tm), the Legion of Stuperheros (minus one Rambutt, who was too stupid to figure out how to go ALL the way through the time warp) warped to another dimension, breaking the fabrics of time and space (we forgot the fabric softener ... we should have gone solo, but then people would have killed me if I wrote 8 solo adventures). "Wook!" WawaWoman noticed, pointing to a figure who just appeared a sentence ago. "Greetings!" a black cloaked man said as he hung in the air. "Who are you?" Average Man asked. "I come from a world without superheros. I am looking for the perfect superheros," the cloaked man explained. "Sorry, the Defense Squad is two comics to the right," Maximillion mentioned. "I am known as Questprobe. I will have you battle villians for no apparent reason, other than finding the perfect super hero. Okay, for the reason of finding a perfect superhero, and to sell comic due to the senceless death that will appear in this issue. Well, for those two reasons and the fact that I have nothing better to do. Alright, I have many motives-" "Can we get on with it?" Max complained. "In a moment," Questprobe thought aloud. "There are two of those metallic people." "I'm Robopop," Robo introduced. "And the boy with the cheap Kay-Bee Toys fabrication of my exoskeleton suit is my adopted son Alex." "Two people with the same power is not acceptable," Questron muttered. "I'll have to get Alex a new power." The Questron waved his hands as a black portal appeared. "This is the Generic Power Generator (tm)." Questron mentioned to the group. "Every person has a hidden, latent power within them. Alex, step through..." Alex stepped though the portal and in a second re-appeared without the exoskeleton. "Where's my exoskeleton?" Alex asked. "You don't need it, boy," Questprobe noted. "You now have your latent super power." "But, what is it?" Alex asked. "You know. Deep inside, you know." Alex clenched his fists, turning them into stumps. Then alex unclenched them and pulled his neck. His neck stretched. In a few minutes, Alex molded his entire face. "This is neat!" Alex said. "From now on, you will be known as Play Dough Boy!" Questron stated. "Excuse me," Average Man interrupted. "Did you say everyone has a latent power?" "Yes." Questron said in a booming voice. Average Man stepped through the portal. Soon, he emerged, looking the same as he came in. "I don't feel different," Average muttered. "You must." "Well, I don't." Questron took out his Superhero Detection 3-D glasses and looked at the group. Everyone had an superhero glow about them except Average Man. "Hmmph," Questprobe mumbled to himself. "The portal must be broken." With a wisk of his hand, the portal disappeared. In another wisk, he too disappeared. Soon, four men in black tights appeared. "Where did the Questprobe get these guys from? The performance of Swan Lake?" Max asked. "We better watch it. I sense that there is more to these guys than meets the eye," Average Man mentioned. "After all, the Questprobe did mention the D word." "Deficit?" Play Dough Boy asked. "No the other D word." "Well, I'll use my patented secret agent super sonic gun and paralize them!" Nick Furry stated. With quick unhuman-like reflexes, Nick dashed into the group of men. "Wait!" Average Man shouted, finally realizing who they were. Average was too late. One of the men touched Nick, turning him into stone. "Nick!" Max gasped. "I thought that would happen when I realized who they were!" Average fretted. "They're the Rolling Stones." "Who?" Alex asked. It finally dawned upon the Stuperheros (except Alex, who didn't know who the Stones were ... except for Fred and Barney, that is) that Average Man was right, since the one who touched Nick was Mick Jagger and his lips. "This weawy gives a new meaning to hawd wock," WawaWoman noted. The Stones approached the group. "Somehow, we will have to battle the group without touching them," Average said, thinking about the course of action to do. "How about Superior man?" Max asked. "We can't chance it," Average stated. "Why not? He hasn't died yet." "Well, he just might this time," Average explained. "So?" Max rebutted. "I dono ..." Superior Man noted. "They look really tough..." "You got a point there, Max," Average replied. "Superior Man, go at it." "Do I have to? I'm sure you'd do a better job," Superior muttered. "Superior Man, you can't die," Average mentioned. "Well, it's nothing, really..." "Get him over there before his modesty kills us," Max whispered. "Or THEY do." The Stones were rhythmically moving closer, which was quite a surprise to the Legion of Stuperheros since the Rolling Stones don't have rythm. Average Man, getting impatient, pushed Superior Man into Mick Jagger. They both fell over, Mick crumbling into a million pieces and Superior Man turning into stone. "No major loss," Max replied. The remaining members opf the Stones grew angry and charged at the group. The Stuperheros, realizing the trouble they were in now, yelled in stereo a word that rhymed with 'fit', like yelling was going to do any good. "SPIT!" they shouted (except for WawaWoman who yelled "spwit!"). Somehow, Average Man tripped and fell as the Stones attacked the group. Everyone except Average turned to stone. "I'm all alone," Average Man muttered, climbing over Robopop's body, thus getting out of reach of the Stones. With a leap, Average jumped over the Stones and landed just behind him. In a frantic hustle, he grabbed a guitar on of the Stones left on the ground and started playing it. "This better work," Average Man said as he started into Elvis' "Jail House Rock". A beam of light flashed through the air, coming from the far away planet of Graceland. Deep in his heart, Average Man knew that Graceland had to exist, despite the destruction of the universe. Let's face it, you can't kill Elvis. The king will always live! [translation - "I'm trying to get brownie points with the king in hope that perhaps HE can get me out of this mess at a later date."] The light struct the three remaining members, riviting through their bones. One by one they screamed and fell to thr ground, crumbling into a million pieces. Immediately, Questprobe appeared. "Strange," he mentioned. "Of all the Stuperheros, the one without the super powers survived. Go figure..." "What about my team mates?" Average asked, quite angry. "Oh them." With a wisk of his hand, the members broke out of their stone shells, still very much alive. "Now," Questprobe stated. "Step through this paisley portal so that I can record your data." Average Man thought for a bit. "Come on," Max said. "He did bring us back. Besides, with your non powers, he may be able to fight the wrong in the universe." Reluctantly, Average Man jumped in. In seconds, he emerged from the portal, unchanged. "I'll have to think about this non-superhero thing over a bit," Questprobe noted. "Perhaps we don't need superheros at all..." With that, the Questprobe and the portal disappeared. In the distance, the Strange Looking Thing (tm) re-appeared. "I wonder where it'll take us now," Nick muttered. "Hopefully back to the ship," Max replied. "Well, we'll never know until we jump in," Robo stated. The group anxiously jumped through. WHERE WILL OUR HEROS APPEAR NEXT? WHAT CAN ALEX DO WITH HIS NEAT NEW POWERS? WILL AVERAGE MAN EVER GET SUPER POWERS? WHERE WILL THE QUESTPROBE GO FROM HERE? IS HE REALLY STORING SUPER POWERS OR IS THERE MORE TO THESE PORTALS? WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE ROLLING STONES? WILL ELVIS' POWERS BE USED AGAIN SOMEWHERE IN THE SERIES? WILL RAMBUTT REJOIN THE GROUP? WHERE WAS MELVIN DURING ALL OF THIS??? [Continued to Legion #16] ========================================================================= Date: Sun, 11 Jun 1995 15:33:01 -0700 Reply-To: UCF SUPERGUY List Sender: UCF SUPERGUY List From: Kenneth Cooney Subject: Legion of Stuperheros:year 2 - The Second Return of Redundant Man ReRevisited Again "The Second Return of Redundant Man ReRevisited Again" Part 1 Issue #1 By Ken "I'm writing three series. NOW I'm officially back!" Cooney After the Infinite Crisis of Secret Wars, with all of the Universe back in its rightful place, the remaining members of the Legion of Stuperheros returned of the Legion of Stuperheros (Rambutt, Robopop, and Superior Man) There would have been two remaining members but Robopop still hasn't figured a way to kill or get rid of Superior Man). The three were more than glad to return to their mundane lives. Superior Man was busy ironing his spandex and cape. Robopop was visiting his adopted son Alex. Rambutt was staring at the wall and apparently having a good time. Melvin, the robot that was in charge of the Hall of just ice was elsewhere at the moment, so Robopop hired someone else for a short period of time just before leaving to visit Alex. Superior Man finished ironing his underwear when the doorbell rang. Realizing that Rambutt still hasn't grasped the concept of doors yet, Superior Man reluctantly walked to the door and opened it up. "Hi!" a clean and sharp dressed man in a suit and black magician's like cape replied, handing Superior Man his card. "I'm Door Opener, you're new live in house keeper." Superior Man mumbled something, not liking the fact that someone was more sharply and well groomed than he was at the moment. Doot Opener took that as his greeting and walked into the room. "Tsk tsk tsk, this place is such a wreck," Door Opener complained, shaking his head with a sigh. "Well, we hired you to clean this place up," Superior Man commented. "Excuse me?" Door Opener interrupted. "You are the house keeper?" "Yes," Door Opener replied. "But I don't clean." "Then what DO you do?" "I open doors!" Door Opener exclaimed. "And I don't to windows either." Superior Man shrugged, thinking "we got to get rid of this guy and get Melvin back." Door Opener rested on the chair and stretched out when the door bell rang. "I'll get it!" Door Opener stated, getting up and walking to the door. "For ten dollars an hour, you BETTER get it," Superior man exclaimed. At the door was teenager with a news paper picture on his shirt. "It's Paper Boy," Door Opener announced. "Yup, I deliver the Super Daily all over the world!!" Paper Boy exclaimed. "But you always miss the porch," Superior Man replied, noting all the rolled up newspapers all over the yard, up the trees, stuck in the bushes, and stranded on the roof. "What do you expect?" "I expect the newspapers to land on the porch," Superior man commented. "With no tip?" "That's because the newspapers aren't on the porch." Paper Boy sensed the vicious circle and cut to the chase. "You owe me two thousand dollars." "We cancelled the paper two years ago!" Superior man mentioned. "That's not my problem." "Look, boy, I could crush you to a pulp with my pinky without breaking a sweat-" "Oh, pick on the wimpy guys. What a wuss," Paper Boy exclaimed. "Two thousand dollars." Suddenly a large mail bag landed on Paper Boy, sparing Superior Man the effort of killing him. "Ah, the mail," Superior Man exclaimed, picking up the mail bag and carrying it inside. Door Man returned to the chair, sat down, and opened up a newspaper. "The Red Coats are coming, huh?" he replied, reading the headline. "Do you ever throw anything out?" Superior Man ignored the comment and dug through the junk mail to see if there was anything not addressed to "Dear Occupant". He found only one letter and shrugged, opening it. Inside was another sealed envelope. "A bit redundant," Superior Man commented, opening up the other envelope. The door bell rang. "Not again!" Door Opener complained, putting the paper down. "Opening doors is the only thing you do and you're complaining about it?" Superior Man asked. Door Opener opened the door. "Hi Superior," Robopop replied. "I see the new house keeper is here." "He doesn't do cleaning," Superior Man mentioned. "Then what does he do?" "Open doors," Superior Man stated. Alex followed Robopop into the room, carrying his duffle bag of dirty clothes. "I'm glad the school year is over for now." Alex sighed. "Superguy U is not all that it's cracked up to be." "It's the best institution in the universe," Robopop exclaimed. "It's an institution all right," Alex muttered, plopping the duffle bag on the floor. "I swear, we got the Grunge Wanna-Bes, the Spandex people, the egotistical people, the brainiacs ..." "Ah, it brings back fond memories..." Superior Man mentioned, daydreamingly. "What's in the mail bag today?" Robopop asked, glancing through the mail. "Mostly junk mail." "Here's a letter," Robopop replied, grabbing an envelope and opening it. "Strange, there's another envelope in here." "I got one just like that," Superior Man replied, showing the envelope to Robopop. "A bit redundant, don't you think?" "Wait a minute," Robopop interrupted, looking at the letter. "It can't be..." "What?" Alex asked, returning with his backpack. Robopop scanned through the letter, "It's Redundant Man. He's back again for the second time." "Who?" "An ArchArchvillian," Superior Man stated. In the reduntant style of Redundant Man, Redunant Man redundantly reappears in yet another first issue of Legion of Stuperheros [Redundant Man first appeared in the Legion of Superheroes #1]. "That's a bit redundant, isn't it?" a henchman noted. "Of course," Redundant Man stated. "I Co-wrote my opening!" "So, how did you escape the prison?" "Well, it was easy. I dug a hole in the wall where the air duct in the right of my cell was, dug a hole in the air duct in the left of my cell, snuck to the gate, cut a hole in it, went outside the gate, cut another hole in the gate, went inside the gate and back out where I went out the first time and then I ran looking for cover so the spot lights wouldn't see me. Upon finding cover, I ran looking for more cover. Eventually, I got here after hailing a taxi, giving him the directions to my place and hailing another cab to follow that cab." "If there was only one duct in the cell, your plan wouldn't have worked," the henchman replied. "Tell me about it." "If there was only one duct in the cell, your plan wouldn't have worked," the henchman replied. "Tell me about it." Then another henchman entered the room. "Stupid is as stupid does," he replied, sitting on a bench. "It's time to do my master plan!" Redundant Man mentioned. "And what is that?" "My master plan," Redundant Man replied. "And I got a back up master plan, too." "You did?" the henchman asked. "Yup, and I made photocopies of them, too!" Redundant Man proudly exclaimed, handing out copies to his henchmen. "Study the plan and then eat it." "What's the extra copy for?" "In case you want to study it again," Redundant Man stated. "Synchronize watches!" "Synchronize them on my mark..." "Huh?" Mark asked. " .... MARK!" "Huh?" Mark asked again, looking around. "Now synchronize the watches on your other hands," Redundant Man ordered. The group looked at the watches on their other arm. "MARK!" "Huh?" Mark asked again, blankly looking around. WHAT IS REDUNDANT MAN'S MASTER PLAN? WHAT IS HIS BACKUP MASTER PLAN? WILL THE REDUCED FORM OF THE LEGION OF STUPERHEROS BE ABLE TO STOP HIM? WHAT PLOT TWISTS LIE AHEAD? WILL KEN CONTINUE WRITING ALL OF THE OTHER FIVE BILLION SERIES HE STARTED FOUR YEARS AGO???? (God help us all!) WILL HE EVER FINISH THE CRISIS OF INFINITE SECRET WARS (which he stopped writing upon finding out his account was no longer in existance at which he replied "Alright! Who's got the Mafia connections???") The epic saga continues .... and this story continues as well ... in the next redundant episode of The Legion of Stuperheros:Year 2. "What did you say?" Redundant man asked. I said 'The epic saga continues ...' oh, nevermind. Note from the writer: If you like this series, check out all of these other back issues. Tell me which ones you want me to restart and which superheros, super villians, and background nobody cameos you want to see appear again in Superguy! Duke Da Duck, Adventurer The Legion of Stuperheros Quarters Quarterly Stan The Toilet Man Bat Vamp Bat Vamp's Super Summer Special The Adventures of Nifty Gadget Man Nifty Tales (starring Nifty Gadget Man - coming soon) Slivers (new series) Super Bullet (one shot) Star Trick:The Neo Generation the as of yet unfinished Crisis of Infinite Secret Wars (the series which occurred in a split second:) the Legion of Stuperheros what if spin off ... and a few other series I bet ... And the Metaworld series: Mind Trekker Are there Mind Trekker fans still out there??? Email me, please, at: DukeDuck@ix.netcom.com ========================================================================= Date: Sun, 15 Jun 1997 13:49:12 -0400 (EDT) From: dukeduck@juno.com (Ken Cooney) To: superguy@eyrie.org Subject: SG: The Legion of Stuperheroes # -2 THE LEGION OF STUPERHEROES By Ken Cooney Issue # -2 "In the beginning" part 1 It's pitch black. Black as death. "How black is death?" a voice asked. Shut up. I'm setting the scene here. "Sorry." Don't apologize. Just shut up. "I'm sorry." The writer screams in frustration. Where was I? Oh yeah. It's pitch black. Black as death. All was silent. Slowly the lights warmed up from dim to "hello, it's morning". At the Legion of Stuperheroes Hall of Just Ice set, Superior Man and Average Man are sitting on actor's chairs. On the back of Average Man's chair says "Bob Smith" and on the back of Superior Man's chair is scratched first name Oxman. If I wasn't mistaken, it almost looks like the first name was something like Harvey. "Shut up shut up," Superior Man quickly recanted. "Why don't you get your name changed, then," Average Man asked. No other actors are on the scene yet. After all, it's 6 o'clock in the morning. "I don't get it," Superior Man quipped. "Issued -2 is part one. Shouldn't it be issue -1 and THEN issue -2?" "No," Average Man retorted, "Negative two comes before negative one. So, issue NEGATIVE two comes BEFORE issues negative one." "Oh," Superior Man remarked. The two remain quiet as Superior Man seems pensive. After a long pause, Superior Man quips, "I don't get it." The scene quickly fades to black and in the background, struggling and gagging sounds can be heard. The scene fades into the light again. The scene changes to a small cluttered room with a man hunched over his keyboard typing away. He pauses and looks at the camera. He decides to set this in flashback so he doesn't run into some kind of author's dimension time warp distortion thingie (GOD, I hate those -Ed). Who's Ed? "The president of Moron comics decided to have zero issues." the writer starts, " The idea was to show what happened BEFORE the first issue occurred. Of course, everyone thought the idea was stupid which meant it was guaranteed to make a lot of sales. I mean, if someone was willing to buy the Uncanned Axe-Men and all of it's 10 spin off comics, they can't be all that bright." The writer looks around, and adds "Uh, present company excluded, of course." After uncomfortably adjusting in his seat, he continues. "Anyway, I thought I had the cheesiest comic aced. I mean look at my first issue. The villains decide to create cop rock, the cheesiest television series known to man. I had the cheese award licked." The author paused, "But then the writer for the Spectacle Spider-Mime ... uh, you know that series where the guy is a mime, shoots mime webbing, does that "walking up the wall" mime act and well, talks because he's not a very good mime ... the guy that end up dying every issue but then comes back in the following issue because "it's a clone" or "it's that hunter guy in his suit" or "it's the alien Spider-Mime" or "the real Spider-Mime got sucked into an alternate reality" or whatever ... anyway, the writer thought of this real cheesy story of Peter and his dad fishing and they catch some kind of monster that was living under the water. Yeah, real pathetic. So, anyway, I was licked." The author morosely pauses. Ooooh ... another big word. First pensively and then morosely. Wow, and I'm not even making these words up, either. "Oh, shut up," the writer told his brain. Sorry. "Anyway, I figured, there's more than the zeroeth issue, as they were called. I mean what happens BEFORE the Legion and the villains get together? Now, THAT'S a story. And on top of that, it's real cheesy because you can have characters quip about whether or not issue -2 should be after issue -1 and stuff like that." The writer smiled. "Now my friends, THAT'S genius!" An ominous smile flashes on the author's face. Oooooh, another "Shut up!" Sorry. The scene fades to black. Day one: Writing the story. Well, this is boring ... lots of writer's block, then an amazing flash of brilliance ("of course" smug smile). So, I'm skipping to the part after the story was written. Day One: Several hours later, realizing that he's late to class... "NO! Skip to day two! Skip to day two!" the writer shouts. You sure you don't want to do this? There's a really neat scene where Bill Paul thwacks you on the head with a huge pillow for writing the first issue Duke Da Duck. "Yeah yeah, I'm sure." And then there's the scene where it's a torrential downpour and you don't have your umbrella and it's a ten minute walk to the dorm... "Just skip to day two, already!!!!" Geesh. Some people.... ahem. Day Two: Finding heroes. A long line of spandex, caped, muscle-bound, gun toting, and pearly white teeth gleaming men and women wait in a line. In the next door, there's a mahogany desk where Average Man sits. Facing him is the next applicant. "So, what do you do again?" "Well," the huge burly man replied, "I crush things. Watch." The muscle bound man takes the desk in front of Average Man and crushes it down to broken wood and splinters until finally it is a mound of mangled wood. "Uh ... yeah," Average Man muttered. "We'll call you, ok?" "Sure," he replied, he smiled and strutted out the door. Average Man reached for the phone that was somewhere in the pile of mangled wood that used to be a desk. He picked it up and put it on his lap. Picking up the receiver, he hit the red button. "Uh, Miss Greenport, can you track down that superhero that can rematerialize crushed wood? Thanks." Average Man sighed and with a sign of wearing tension loudly bellowed "NEXT!" A man walked into the door and looked around, confused. He then spied the same door, smiled, and walked out that door. Average Man scratched his head and was just about ready to call the next person when that man returned. "Uh, are you here for the superhero recruitment?" Average Man asked. "Yes, I am," the man proudly smiled and sat down on the seat. "Yes, I am." "And you are..." "Redundant Man," he remarked, shaking Average Man's hand. "I do things redundantly." "Isn't that redundant?" Average Man asked. The man was ready to answer when Average Man interrupted. "So, let me guess. You're super power is doing things redundantly." "Yes, that is right. In fact, it's correct," he answered with a smile. "I see," Average Man muttered. A man wearing tan spandex with a picture of a piece of splintered wood on his chest entered the room. He waved his arms around in a very wild fashion as sawdust particles start to materialize around his hands and slowly fall to the floor. "Mahogany ... mahogany ... mahogany ... mahogany," he said in a slow rhythmic manner in a deep manly voice. The desk rumbled and shook. Quickly, bits of the desk shot right and left, attaching themselves to other pieces of wood. Within moments, the wood reshaped itself to the desk that it once was. The man paused as the remaining sawdust that was hovering around his hands fell to the floor. "Sure, you don't want me in the group?" the man asked. "We'll give you a call," Average Man replied. "Make sure the receptionist cuts you a check for services rendered, ok?" "Great!" the man replied. "Remember the name: Woody." "Yeah, I remember," Average noted. "Woody, Hairril's son." The man smiled and turned around to head out the door. As he approached the exit, he bonked his head on the side of the door. "OW!" the man exclaimed. "Did it again!" He rubbed his head and headed back out the door. "Must be sinus season or something," he added. "Where was I?" Average Man asked himself. Redundant Man shook Average Man's hand. "Hi, I'm Redundant Man. I do things redundantly." "Swell," Average Man huffed. WILL AVERAGE MAN FORM HIS TEAM? Ok, stupid question. We already know he did but just humor me and pretend that he didn't. WILL REDUNDANT MAN APPEAR IN THIS SERIES? Oh, shut up. I know you know the answer to this one. WILL WOODY APPEAR IN THIS SERIES? I said shut up!!! WILL THE AUTHOR STRANGLE THAT KOW-IT-ALL GUY IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM WHO KEEPS SHOUTING OUT ALL OF THE ANSWERS TO HIS QUESTIONS? In the background some struggling and choking sounds can be heard. FUNNY. NO ONE SAID THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION. I WONDER WHY. STAY TUNED for issues #-1 and finally the ZEROETH issue appearing only in SUPERGUY!!! Ooooooohhhh Aaaaahhhhh! ========================================================================= Date: Sun, 15 Jun 1997 22:41:58 -0400 (EDT) From: dukeduck@juno.com (Ken Cooney) To: superguy@eyrie.org Subject: SG: The legion of Stuperheroes # -1 THE LEGION OF STUPERHEROES By Ken Cooney Issue # -1 "In the beginning" part 2 Author's note: I got two copies of issue -2 even though I sent it once. I guess it's time to look for a regular internet account. I'm assuming it sent during a "failed" attempt and the next send/receive session sent it again "successfully". No biggie. I'm planning on getting some real internet access, soon. (Writer's note: NO, I did _not_ send it a second time in case you might decide to read it again). Day Three: The cell. I still can't remember how I got here in this cage. People think I'm some kind of freak attraction and throw peanuts at me. "Oops, wrong story. Hang on." A rustling of papers is heard in the background. Day Three: Still looking for heroes. (much better) "So, what do you do?" a refreshed Average Man asked. "I fwow bowos at people," the woman replied. "Bowos," Average man writes down. "No! Bowos!" she said, holding up her bolos. "OH. Bolos!" Average remarks, erasing the mistake in his notes. "That's what I said," she remarked. Average man penciled in the correction. "Anything else?" "I also have wips," she replied. "Yeah, I noticed the lisp," Average remarked. "Not wisp, wips," he replied, holding up a whip. "Ahhhh," Average ahhed. "Kinky. Might help us get the target 16 to 24 year old crowd." After writing down some more notes. "There are some minor fringe benefits to this super group. We have a swimming pool," he stated. "Do you swim?" "I do but I pwefew to tan," she replied. "Ok, report to the set in a week," Average Man said. "It is Wawawoman, right?" "Wight." she answered, shaking his hand. "Send the next person," Average Man said into the intercom. A robotic man entered into the room. "Wow! It's Robocop! You want in on the group?!" Average Man exclaimed, much in awe. "Actually, I got the boot as a cop," Robo mentioned. "Really?" Average replied, shocked. "Yeah, the last movie was a bust and I got the boot," Robo answered. "So, you're just ... uh ... Robo now?" "Well, I adopted a son called Alex. So, I'm calling myself Robopop." "Robopop," Average Man wrote down. "Kind of catchy name you got there." Average Man took down some notes. "We could sure use some brute force on this team and your name recognition couldn't hurt. You're in." "Great. Look forward to working with you," Robo said as he turned around and headed out the door. "Wow! We have Robocop in this team," Average Man said in a daze. He paused for a moment, now realizing that his dream super team might be a reality. "Next!" A man clad in spandex with what appeared to be a Rorschach ink blot on his chest walked into the room. "What's your name?" "Shadowpuppet Man!" he exclaimed in a proud booming voice. "I can make shadow puppets on the wall. Let me demonstrate." "Nah, that's alr-" "Look," he exclaimed, placing his hands in front of a light. "It's a bird. Caw caw caw! Wait wait, here comes the Tyrannosaurs Rex. Looks like he's gonna eat the bird..." The scene faded to black. "Hey! Who turned off my light! I'm not done with my shadow puppet show!" The scene slowly lit up with Average Man and Superior Man sitting in their actor's chairs. "So, what do you think?" Superior Man asked. "I don't know, it's a toughie," Average Man remarked, thinking. "I'd have to go with the first one," Superior Man remarked. "Yeah, now that you mentioned it, the first one does sound great," Average Man replied. "Uh, Melvin?" A robot servant entered into the scene. "We're going to get Focaccia-style pizza." Average Man said. "Very good, sir." Melvin responded and headed off. "I tell you, some of these decisions are difficult," Superior Man remarked. "I think I need a nap, now." Day Four: Costuming. "Okay. Now speak to me. Speak to me. What is your magic power?" the wardrobe man asked. "I'm a clone," the man replied. "Yes yes yes," he said flailing his arms. "I see. I see ... a big red nose and a multicolored wig and big floppy feet." "I said CLONE, not clown," the nondescript-looking man huffed. "Well, exCUSE me, mr. clone. Geesh. All of this negativity. Mmm mm. You wouldn't see Bat Vamp do that. Oh no." The scene changed back to Average Man and Superior Man. "Costuming was a chore, to say the least," Average Man stated. "Luckily, I had some inside connection with the author, so I avoided that whole wardrobe fiasco." "I already had a tailor made costume," Superman replied smugly. "It's a superior costume if I do say so myself." "Oh, shut up," Average Man quipped. The scene quickly shifted back to the wardrobe scene. "So let me get this straight," the voice off screen replied, "You want me to wear a suit and tie." "Oh yeah. Most definitely. The suit is you. It's very nineties. It's like 'hello, look at me, everybody! I'm a sophisticated super hero in a suit.' You know?" "But, I'm a robot." The camera turns to see Robopop in a suit and tie. The shirt, jacket, and pants are busting at the seams. "I look utterly ridiculous." "Now now now. All of this negativity is no good. You're not a robot. You're the author's reflection on humanity. It's like a man that's crying to get out. I can hear him now." The wardrobe man puts a hand to his ear, "Ah, yes. He's saying 'Help me. I'm a man trapped in this metal case.' " "You're a nut," Robopop complained. The scene quickly flashed back to Average Man and Superior Man. "The wardrobe person was a bit, uh, shall we say, eccentric," Average Man replied. "Well, if Ken had a bigger budget we might get that guy that did the Bat Vamp movies," Superior Man retorted. "Well, anyway, we eventually got rid of him. The heroes would have killed him otherwise and I don't think we have insurance for that sort of thing," Average Man stated. "We debated about making him into our first villain," Superior Man added. "Yeah, but we thought that'd be too cruel to the readers," Average Man mentioned. "definitely." Day Five: First day on the set. "There's NO COFFEE here!!" Superior Man yelled. "And no donuts or bagels or nothing!" Superior Man smashed a helpless trash can to pieces. Superior Man looked around and spied a college age student on the set. "Who are you?" "I'm the key grip," he replied. "What the heck does a key grip do?" Superior asked. "I dono, but every show needs one," he answered. "Look, here's five bucks. Get some bagels, donuts, and some fresh ground, fresh brewed coffee," Superior Man ordered. "Excuse me?" the student asked as if Superior Man was speaking some foreign language. "Look, punk. I get REAL edgy without my morning cup of coffee. I have a tendency of irritable. I might knock out some two bit actors or better yet, key grips." The student quickly snatched the money and ran off. "And don't forget the cream and sugar!" Superior Man yelled. The scene faded and soon the lights went back on. Again, Average Man and Superior Man were sitting in the actor's chairs. "Why do we have to sit in these stupid chairs again?" Superior Man asked. "I don't know. I think we're supposed to talk about something significant like maybe about the first day on the set or something," Average Man remarked. "How trite," Superior Man stated, "I'm going to go out to get some ice cream. You can talk to the readers if you want." The scene returned to the person typing away hunched at the keyboard. Quickly he typed up "segue" but nothing happened. He huffed and grumbled and made a note to write this as another flashback. "Tensions on the set was kind of high on the first few days," the writer said to no one in particular. "I mean, Superior Man is usually a jerk, so that was no big deal. Most big stars are. Robopop was a joy to work with, however. Well, actually, everyone besides Superior Man was a joy to work with." The writer paused for a moment. "Come to think of it, the villains were more of a joy to work with." The writer paused some more. "Maybe that's why the other superheroes constantly try to kill him off," the writer remarked. "Why did we keep him again?" The writer paused again in thought. "Oh yeah, because we just couldn't get rid of him. He's like that pesky fly that constantly buzzes around the room, driving you nuts and try as hard as you can, you can't get rid of it." "Anyway," the writer concluded. "We had the heroes and unbeknownst to me, someone recruited a few of those who didn't make the team and turned them into super villains. So, in essence, that's how the first story came to be. I'm glad in a way because all I had at the time was a story with that wardrobe guy as a villain and a cameo appearance by that shadowpuppet guy." The scene faded and returned to the two actor's chairs, now empty. The camera panned left and right but no one's around. Finally, in the distance an old man is spotted. The camera shook up and down and huffing and puffing sounds are heard in the background as the camera moved closer to the man. "Oh, hi," the old man replied. "I'm just cleaning up the set from the final shoot." Where's everyone else? "Oh, didn't they tell you? They're at some bar celebrating." Oh. "Did I tell you that I have a super power?" the man asked, reaching into his pocket and pulling something out. "I can play a mean kazoo." Uh, that's all right. "Wait, let me play When Johnny Comes Marching Home." Not, that's quite alright. The scene fades to a final ominous black as kazoo sounds echo in the empty set. Nothing else could be heard except for the screaming of a camera man caught in kazoo hell (tm). IS THIS MYSTERIOUS KAZOO PERSON SOME TWISTED VILLAIN? WHAT ABOUT THE WARDROBE MAN? IS HE A VILLAIN? WILL HE TEAM UP WITH THE KAZOO PERSON OR IS THAT MUCH TOO SILLY, EVEN FOR SUPERGUY? WHO RECRUITED THE VILLAINS IN THE FIRST PLACE? WHICH VILLAINS WERE RECRUITED? WHAT PLAN ARE THEY DEVISING? WILL THEY SUCCEED? WILL SHADOWPUPPET MAN AND WOODY MAKE ANOTHER APPEARANCE IN THE LEGION OF STUPERHEROS? AFTER THESE PAST TWO ISSUES, WILL ANYONE READ THE ZEROETH ISSUE? WILL THERE FINALLY BE SOME ACTION AND FIGHT SCENES? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY QUESTIONS? Stay tuned for the ZEROETH issue of the Legion of Stuperheroes and find out!!! The coveted zeroeth issue is appearing only on SUPERGUY ... because, well, the creator of Bat Man and Robin hasn't returned my calls yet. But I'm sure he's just busy. Yeah, that's it. ========================================================================= Date: Sun, 22 Jun 1997 21:36:36 -0400 (EDT) From: dukeduck@juno.com (Ken Cooney) To: superguy@eyrie.org Subject: SG: The Legion of Stuperheroes: Year 2 #1 The Legion of Stuperheroes : Year 2 "The Second Return of Redundant Man ReRevisited Again" Part 1 Issue #1 reprinted and refurbished By Ken "First attempt, part two" Cooney The Infinite Crisis of Secret Wars was over. The Universe was back in its rightful place. Dr. Doom-wanabe (who changed his name to Iron Fist ... no relations to Marvel now - Ed) was behind bars, his suit overloaded. All villains were behind bars. Everything was back to normal. To prove this point, here is a scene not so far away from the neighborhood strip mall. Several two bit villains causing a bit of a tiff. Okay, so it was more than a tiff. Apparently, two muscle bound super muscular ridiculously powered villains were complaining about the other being there. "It's MY turn to take over the world!" one muscle bound spandex clad man screamed in the top of his lungs. "It's MY turn to take over the world!" another one who looked like the first one but his suit was red instead of paisley. "Nuh-uh," the first quipped, "It says here in this code of villains that you must make a petition and then do a standard opening monolog about how you will take over the world and then destroy it or do whatever you intend on doing with it." The first one showed the second the signed and documented forms. The second one looked at it, huffed, and tore it up into shreds. "How dare you!" the first one screamed. "I'm going to get my lawyer!" "That's low!" he shouted. "That's lower than sicking a pestilence upon the world." "Well, welcome to the nineties, bub," he grunted, clasping his fists. "Well, I'm going to get a lawyer, too," the second quipped. "Well, my lawyer can kick your lawyer's butt!" A third man entered the scene, oddly enough in a very similarly clad super villain spandex uniform. "Well, I'm taking over this Seven-Eleven!" An old man entered the scene, waving his cane at the three men."What in tarnation is going on here!?" he shouted. "Beat it, gramps!" the first one grumbled. "What on sam's Earth is going on here? Did K-Mart have some kind of spandex sale or what?" he fussed, whacking his cane against the head of the first super villain. "Let me tell you, smart ass, I did the take over the world thing way before it was the trendy thing to do. You were probably still in diapers!" "OW!" the first super villain complained, rubbing his head. "You better all go home right this instant or I'll make sure you three get a whupping like you'll never forget!" he shouter, thrusting his cane into the stomach of the second super villain. "Alright already, we're going!" they said as they left. Yes, all was well in the world. The remaining members of the Legion of Stuperheroes (Rambutt, Robopop, and Superior Man) returned of the Hall of Just Ice. There would have been TWO remaining members but as always, Robopop couldn't figure out a way of getting Superior Man killed. The three were more than glad to return to their mundane lives. Superior Man was busy ironing his spandex and cape. Robopop had plans on visiting his adopted son Alex. Rambutt was staring at the wall and apparently having a good time. Melvin, the robot that was in charge of the Hall of Just Ice was elsewhere at the moment, so Robopop placed an call to the local Kelly agency. "Ah, yes, I'll need someone to you know, clean up the place and such," Robopop mentioned. "Oh, and someone who won't mind guys clad in spandex." "Hey, we're not into that kinky stuff," the woman on the other end. "Oh no, no kinky stuff here," Robo mentioned. "We're superheroes." The person on the other end hung up. Robopop sighed and dialed the number again. "Kelly temp agencies." "Ah, yes," Robo started again. "I'll need someone to you know, clean up the place and such." "You're not that wacko super group that wears spandex?" she asked. "We wear spandex but we're, uh, dancers. Yeah, that's it." "Ok," the woman replied. "We'll send someone over." Robopop, relieved that he got some help, albeit temporary help, grabbed a cold can of Mobil One from the fridge and left out the door. Superior Man finished ironing his underwear when the doorbell rang. Realizing that Rambutt still hasn't grasped the concept of doors yet, Superior Man reluctantly walked to the door and opened it up. "Hi!" a clean and sharp dressed man in a suit and black magician's like cape replied, handing Superior Man his card. "I'm Door Opener, you're new live in house keeper." Superior Man mumbled something, not liking the fact that someone was more sharply and well groomed than he was at the moment. Door Opener took that as his greeting and walked into the room. "Tsk tsk tsk, this place is such a wreck," Door Opener complained, shaking his head with a sigh. "Well, we hired you to clean this place up," Superior Man commented. "Excuse me?" Door Opener interrupted. "You are the house keeper?" "Yes," Door Opener replied. "But I don't clean." "Then what DO you do?" "I open doors!" Door Opener exclaimed. "And I don't to windows either." Superior Man shrugged, thinking "we got to get rid of this guy and get Melvin back." He liked this new "house cleaner" even less when he walked over to the lazy boy and sat down and grabbed a magazine lying on the ground. Door Opener started to read the magazine when the door bell rang. "I'll get it!" Door Opener stated, getting up and walking to the door. "For ten dollars an hour, you BETTER get it," Superior man exclaimed. At the door was teenager with a news paper picture on his shirt. "It's Paper Boy," Door Opener announced. Having accomplished his task of opening the door, Door Man returned to the chair, sat down, and opened up the magazine again. Superior Man grumbled curses that the comics code would most definitely frown upon and walked to the door. "Yeah, what do you want?" Superior Man huffed, obviously not all to happy of the recent turn of events. "I'm Paper Boy!" he said, flashing his pearly whites as somewhere in the distance horns played. "I deliver the Super Daily all over the world!!" Paper Boy exclaimed. "But you always miss the porch," Superior Man replied, noting all the rolled up newspapers all over the yard, up the trees, stuck in the bushes, lying on the bottom of the pool, and stranded on the roof. "What do you expect?" he said nonchalantly. "I expect the newspapers to land on the porch," Superior man commented. "What, do all that work for no tip?" "Tell me about it," Door Opener exclaimed from the lazy boy chair. "He expects me to do more than open doors." "I'll deal with you later," Superior Man yelled back to Door Opener who returned back to the magazine without a care in the world. "You're not getting a tip," Superior Man started "because the newspapers aren't on the porch." Paper Boy sensed the vicious circle and cut to the chase. "You owe me two thousand dollars." "We canceled the paper two years ago!" Superior man mentioned. "That's not my problem." "Look, boy, I could crush you to a pulp with my pinky without breaking a sweat-" "Oh, pick on the wimpy guys. What a wuss," Paper Boy exclaimed. "Two thousand dollars." Suddenly, a large mail bag landed on Paper Boy, crushing him to a pulp and sparing Superior Man the effort of killing him. "Ah, the mail," Superior Man exclaimed. He picked up the mail bag and carried it inside. Door Man glanced from his magazine and looked at the mess on the front porch. "I ain't cleaning that up. Nuh uh!" Door Man put down the magazine and grabbed a nearby newspaper. "The Red Coats are coming, huh?" he replied, reading the headline. "Do you ever throw anything out?" Superior Man ignored the comment and dug through the junk mail to see if there was anything not addressed to "Dear Occupant". He found only one letter addressed to "Superior Man", shrugged, and opened it. Inside was another sealed envelope. "A bit redundant," Superior Man commented, opening up the other envelope. The door bell rang. "Not again!" Door Opener complained, putting the paper down. "Opening doors is the only thing you do and you're complaining about it?" Superior man asked. Door Opener opened the door. "Hi Superior," Robopop replied. "I see the new house keeper is here." "He doesn't do cleaning," Superior Man mentioned. "Then what does he do?" "Open doors," Superior Man stated. Robopop looked at Door Opener who was walking into the kitchen "I'm thirsty from all of this walking to the door and back. I'm going to get a drink." "Yeah, whatever," Superior Man grumbled. Alex followed Robopop into the room, carrying his duffle bag of dirty clothes. "I'm glad the school year is over for now." Alex sighed. "Superguy U is not all that it's cracked up to be." "It's the best institution in the universe," Robopop exclaimed. "It's an institution all right," Alex muttered, plopping the duffle bag on the floor. "I swear, we got the Grunge Wanna-Bes, the Spandex people, the egotistical people, the brainiacs ..." "Ah, it brings back fond memories..." Superior Man mentioned, daydreaming. "What's in the mail bag today?" Robopop asked, glancing through the mail. "Mostly junk mail and bills." "Here's a letter," Robopop replied, grabbing an envelope and opening it. "Strange, there's another envelope in here." "I got one just like that," Superior Man replied, showing the envelope to Robopop. "A bit redundant, don't you think?" "Wait a minute," Robopop interrupted, looking at the letter. "It can't be..." "What?" Alex asked, returning with his backpack. Robopop scanned through the letter, "It's Redundant Man. He's back again for the second time." "Who?" Alex asked. "An ArchArchvillian," Superior Man stated. In the redundant style of Redundant Man, Redundant Man redundantly reappears in yet another first issue of Legion of Stuperheroes [Redundant Man first appeared in the Legion of Superheroes #1]. "That's a bit redundant, isn't it?" a henchman noted. "Of course," Redundant Man stated. "I Co-wrote my opening!" "So, how did you escape the prison?" another henchman, who oddly looked like the first henchman, asked. "Well, it was easy. I dug a hole in the wall where the air duct in the right of my cell was. Then I dug a hole in the air duct in the left of my cell. After which I snuck to the gate, cut a hole in it. I went outside the gate, cut another hole in the gate, went inside the gate and back out where I went out the first time. Then, I ran looking for cover so the spot lights wouldn't see me. Upon finding cover, I ran looking for more cover. Eventually, I got here after hailing a taxi, giving him the directions to my place and hailing another cab to follow that cab." "If there was only one duct in the cell, your plan wouldn't have worked," the first henchman replied. "Tell me about it," Redundant Man sighed. "If there was only one duct in the cell, your plan wouldn't have worked," the henchman repeated. "Tell me about it." Then another henchman entered the room. "Stupid is as stupid does," he replied, sitting on a bench. "It's time to do my master plan!" Redundant Man mentioned. Redundant Man handed out pieces of paper with some scrawled notes. "What is this?" the third henchman asked. "My master plan," Redundant Man replied. "And I got a back up master plan, too." "You do?" the fourth henchman, who oddly looked a lot like the third henchman, asked. "Yup, and I made photocopies of them, too!" Redundant Man proudly exclaimed, handing out copies to his henchmen. "Study the plan and then eat it." "What's the extra copy for?" "In case you want to study it again," Redundant Man stated. "Synchronize watches!" "Synchronize them on my mark..." "Huh?" Mark asked. "What?" Marc asked, looking at Mark. " .... MARK!" "Huh?" Mark and Marc asked again, looking around. "Now synchronize the watches on your other hands," Redundant Man ordered. The group looked at the watches on their other arm. "MARK!" "Huh?" they both asked again, blankly looking around. WHAT IS REDUNDANT MAN'S MASTER PLAN? WHAT IS HIS BACKUP MASTER PLAN? WILL THE REDUCED FORM OF THE LEGION OF STUPERHEROES BE ABLE TO STOP HIM? WHAT PLOT TWISTS LIE AHEAD? WILL KEN CONTINUE WRITING ALL OF THE OTHER FIVE BILLION SERIES HE STARTED FIVE YEARS AGO???? (God help us all!) WILL HE EVER FINISH THE CRISIS OF INFINITE SECRET WARS??? HOW DID KEN LOSE HIS COLLEGE ACCOUNT EONS AGO??? DOES THE PERSON INVOLVED HAVE CONNECTIONS TO THE MAFIA? The epic saga continues .... and this story continues as well ... in the next redundant episode of The Legion of Stuperheroes:Year 2. "What did you say?" Redundant man asked. I said 'The epic saga continues ...' oh, nevermind. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Notes from the writer: I added some new flair into this one. I figured only issue 1 of this series was printed. Rather than have people dig for it, I decided to reprint it with changes. I hope you all like it. I really mean this, especially with some of the stuff I've been seeing lately. Despite some of the good stuff out there, lately there's been a LOT of muck going out there. For those writers who are putting that muck, here's Dana Carvey with some tips. 1. Descriptions are our friends. 2. Universe GOOD. Destroying it, BAD. 3. Rambo does not a hero make. And one of my own: 4. There's only one god like superhero. That's Superguy ... and unless you've read every reference to him (very few have), please don't use him! Also, granted I have Robopop, but let's try to keep the Marvel/DC/Image similarities to a minimum. I even changed my villain's name from Dr. Doom-Wanabe to Iron Fist (puns abound soon). I apologize for the old stuff but hey, it was my first villain and I was young and nieve. I liked my third issue which was 200% than the first two. As an aside, I am willing to edit/suggest changes etc to Superguy stories before they're published. For info, email me at: dukeduck@juno.com. Writer's tip for this issue: Write a character sheet for every character (hero, villain, or anyone else). Write answers to the following: Name (superhero and real name), job, physical description, age, height, weight, eye color, hair (color and style), scars and handicaps (both physical and emotional), sort of home (s)he lives in, background, born (date, where), parents, brothers, sisters, education, philosophy of life, ambitions, fantasies, favorite color, favorite food, is afraid of..., sees self as, is seen as, best character traits, worst character traits, most important thing about character, darkest secret, how character reacts to peer's views, how far character will go to get what (s)he wants, problems at beginning of story, present problem, how it will get worse, and lastly a one page bio. I apologize for all of this but I'm reading some of this stuff and it's like ARRRRRGHHH! Oh yeah, to those writing good stuff (I won't mention them all now but if you pester me I may give in), I've been keeping a very close eye on some of the stories and WOW!!! THANKS for keeping Superguy alive. I mean it! Ken