========================================================================= Date: 13 Mar 1991 21:17:xx Subject: Quarters Quarterly =part 1 of 4= From: Duke da Duck Just when there were enough superheros, there were four more: QUARTERS QUARTERLY By Ken Cooney "The Man Of A Million Superheros" =Issue 1 of 4= "A Time For Change" At the headquarters, Quartermain, located somewhere in Washington, D.C., the four superbeings known simply as Quarters Incorperated - heros For hire, rest in their super suped livingroom. "Well, this has been a quiet week." the Rodent Revenger replied, filing his nails. "I'm glad. I don't want to break a sweat." Ravishing Roger muttered, while looking at himself in the mirror, checking to see if every hair was perfectly in place. "Maybe we should solicid ourselves." Physics Man mentioned. "Isn't that illegal?!" Commander Creep asked. *SMACK!* "Why'd you do that for?!" the Commander yelled at Rodent. "Ya had it comin'!" BEDU-BEDU-BEDU-WAA-WAA-WAA-DOOOOWAAAAAA ... "It's the trouble alert!" Physics Man said, rushing to the adjacent room. The remaining three followed Physics Man to the computer central of Quartermain. Before them were two screens, one of which was flashing red. "Why do we have two screens?!" Commander Creep asked. "In case we get double trouble!" Physics Man smiled, dodging a slap to the head, "Quarters Incorperated - heros for hire!" "Physics Man, I have a question-" the man said, urgently. "And *I* have an answer, maybe they'll match." "What a novel idea!" Ravishing Roger commented. "What does Dupont have to do with the Bermuda Triangle?" "I don't know." Physics man replied, baffled, "What DOES Dupont have to do with the Bermuda Triangle?!!" "Don't ask me?!!" the man yelled, "All I know is that Dupont bought Easter Island!" "Two weeks BEFORE Easter! I sense a devious plot!" "Find out what Dupont has in mind with that island!" the man ordered. "Wait!" Ravishing Roger interrupted, "You look familiar. Do *I* know you?!!" "I'm the president of the United States, you idiot!!" "No, really, I'm serious. Who are you?!" "Mr. President, you'll have to excuse Ravishing ... you know, all good looks, no brains or good taste-" Physics Man explained. "Wait a minute!" Ravishing replied, "You do those Bartles and James commercials, don't you?!!" The screen blanked. "Well, Quarters Incorperated, we have a mission." Rodent mentioned. "We can take my Volkswagen Rabbit to the airport!" Ravishing mentioned. The four rushed to the Quartermain parking lot. "WHAT HAPPENED!" Ravishing yelled, "There's bullet holes all over my car!!!" "Never mind. We don't have time to investigate this!" Rodent commented, "We'll take Physic Man's Hell'o'a'copter." WHAT DOES DUPONT HAVE IN MIND FOR EASTER ISLAND? CAN QUARTERS INCORPERATED STOP DUPONT? WHO SHOT ROGER'S RABBIT??? (continued next time in part 2 of 4 of Quarters Quarterly!) ========================================================================= Date: 13 Mar 1991 21:17:40 Subject: Quarters Quarterly =part 2 of 4= From: Duke da Duck Just when there were enough comics, Ken wrote one more: QUARTERS QUARTERLY By Ken Cooney "The man with no life" =Issue 2 of 4= "Pennies From Heaven ... Quarters From Hell'o'a'copter" Physics Man roared up the engines of his Hell'o'a'copter. The three remaining members of Quarters Incorperated - heros for hire, were belted in their seats (Remember, kids, the Hartford policemen's saying: "Go belt someone today"). "Alright, let's see what this baby can do!" Physics Man laughed, putting on his safety goggles. Slowly, the Hell'o'a'copter vertically rose out of the Quartermain Hell'o'a'port. "I'd rather be riding Blue Thunder." Ravishing Roger commented. "Blue Thunder sucks!" Physics Man mocked, as he hit the turbo boosters, "And K-Mart sucks, too!" The ship soared through the air, with the greatest of ease, like that funny young man on the flying trapeeze. "WOOOAHHHHAAA!!!" Commander Creep screamed to Rodent, "This is just like freakin' Si'Gahn!" "I was in high school, you idiot!" Rodent hissed. "Alright, according to the info on the computer screen-" Physics Man replied. "I thought you were flying the damn thing?!!" Rodent yelled. "It's on auto!" Physics answered. "I thought this was a helicopter." Creep retorted. *SLAP!* "Anyways," Physics Man continued, "There were hundreds of ships and planes lost here, as well as government fighters." "Tremendous odds of us disappearing." Rodent said with an uncontrollable shiver, "Why did they send us?" "I guess they figured that if we disappear, there's no major loss." "Well, I've got news for you." Rodent mentioned, "Ken is writing this story." "I knew it!" Creep shouted, "We're gonners!!" "That's immoral!" Ravishing gasped, "Imagine a world without me! Heck, it would be total choas with nothing to compare extreme godliness with!" "Ken won't kill us off immediately." Physics mentioned, "This is only part two of four. Atleast he's giving us a fighting chance!" "Some chance." Creep muttered. The group remained silent as they flew at subsonic speeds. "Sub?! I thought this was a helicopter?!" *SLAP!* "We're here!" Physics Man said as the copter hovered in the daylight, Taquilla Sunrise sky. "I wonder where Dupont has his plant." Rodent wondered. "My computers detect a slight depletion of the O-Zone layer in the far west of the island." Physics Man noted, "And disturbance in the air ... radar rays." "Radar O'Riley's here?!!" Creep asked. *SLAP!* "I'm jamming." Physics Man said, busy tapping away on the keyboard. "And me without my earphones!" *SLAP!* "Ghastly!" Ravishing retorted, "Thank God I'm not being slapped on the face or I'd get blemishes on my perfectly smooth skin!" "It's best we land here." Physics Man noted, "Any closer and we may risk the element of surprise." "On FOOT?!" Ravishing gasped, "In THIS heat, in the JUNGLE?! No no, it might ruin my hair." "Either go or I'll drag you through the jungle by your precious hair!!!" Rodent hissed, putting on his brass knuckles. "I'll go! I'll go!!" WHAT'S IN STORE FOR OUR HEROS (OR RATHER MY HEROS)??? (continued next time in part 3 of 4 of Quarters Quarterly!) NOTE TO READERS: Subscribe to SUPERPEN and comment on this brand new comic!!! The author WILL respond to fan mail (or air conditioner mail)!!! ========================================================================= Date: 16 Mar 1991 16:02:55 Subject: Quarters Quarterly =part 3 of 4= From: Duke da Duck Suddenly, Ken realized that his life ONLY consisted of Superguy comics: QUARTERS QUARTERLY By Ken Cooney "The man wih a complex complex" =Issue 3 of 4= "A Quarter of a Century" The members of Quarters Incorperated - heros for hire made their way through the perils of the jungle ... the snakes, the mosquitos, the monkeys, the lions, the tigers, the bears (oh my!). Suddenly, nothing happened. "Boy, isn't this an exciting comic." Creep muttered. Through marshland- "What do they call it in April?" *SLAP!* -in into yet more jungle. "Look, a sign." Physics Man noted. "What does it say?" Rodent asked, taking a breather. "'Jungle. Welcome to the jungle. It'll bring you to your kn-kn-kn-kn- knees knees'." Onward they strived, through the jungle, taking the path not less traveled upon. After a little bit- "OUCH! Damn mosquito!" Ravishing Roger complained, "I hope I don't get scarlet fever." "Just our luck you'll probably get night fever and start dancing to muzak orchestrations of old Bee Gees tunes." Creep retorted. -they hit the secret base belonging to Dupont. "OUCH!" Creep complained. "You should look where you're going!" Rodent replied, picking Creep off of the ground. "Well, what should we do now?" Ravishing asked. "I think we should be stupid and split up." Physics Man answered, "That way we can do stupid things and, if we're lucky, the reader will start talking to the comic, saying things like 'Look out behind you!'." "What a novel idea!" Rodent commented with a smile. "Well, this IS a novel!" Creep replied. *SLAP!* So the four split up, or actually, they stayed in one piece and went looking inside the base by themselves. Physics Man headed down the really-really-really-ridiculously-long corridor. Ravishing headed toward a door that said 'Do Not Enter'. Well, it didn't actually SAY 'Do Not Enter', there was a sign on the door that stated such. Creep headed toward a door with a sign that said 'Do Not Exit'. "WOW! A talking sign!" *SLAP!* Rodent headed toward a door with a sign stating 'Do Not Read This Sign'. "This comic is getting silly." Rodent told the writer as he entered the room. There lied a somewhat-but-not-really long corridor, with another door at the end. There at the door was another sign, this one stating 'Between the hallway ... and this room ... there is ... The Door! Break on through to the other side'. "Now I KNOW this comic is getting really silly!" Ravishing and Creep went through their doors, finding out that it went to the same room ... so, they were not split up at this point. But, these two brave heros didn't mind the sight that was before their eyes. This room was no ordinary room, it was a kitchen! "OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" they both grinned. And this was no ordinary kitchen. This was a WELL STOCKED kitchen. Creep opened up the fridge, and spying the steak replied, "Let's have a steak out!" *SLAP!* "Ooohh ... slapping you hurt my hand." Ravishing complained. "Like my face isn't hurting by now!" Then the two heros heard noises. These were no ordinary noises. "Do we have to go through this again?!!" Alright, it was Dupont's voice ... and he just happened to be talking about his vile scheme. "I bet." Creep mumbled, "Dupont just HAPPENS to be talking about the scheme just as we just HAPPEN to walk into the kitchen." Well, that's the way it works in the comic world. Everything just HAPPENS to happen, the weather is usually perfect unless it just so HAPPENS to be otherwise- "Shut up, we're trying to hear the scheme!" "Well, I want to talk to myself about the vile scheme that I have, by the kitchen door, assuming that no one is in the kitchen. There is a chance, although, that someone may be IN my kitchen. So, I'll take the extra special precaution. I will introduce myself, so people who quote me won't be sighted with plagerism. I am Dupont, and today I've decided to talk to myself, in a completely empty base, unless anyone is listening in to my plan, that is. I will tell my plot, because I am an egomaniac and no one can stop me, unless, of course, someone is listening. My plan is NOT to take over Easter Island. My plan is NOT to take over Easter. My plan is NOT to replace Cadburry Cream Eggs' filling with a chicken flavored cream. Instead, my plan is to mass produce a large supply of eggs that have nerve gas in them. No, I already did that. That's right. Well, then, my plan is to capture the Duracell Bunny. No, I did that too. Well, in that case, my plan is to get the Duracell Bunny to distribute these nerve gas eggs to big corperations which will paralize the owners of the companies, at which point, I will seize control over every corperation and take control over their stock." "Do you realize what he's saying?!" Ravishing gasped. "A run on sentence?" "BESIDES THAT!" Ravishing replied, "He's talking about a acquiring a monopoly." "Isn't that a game?!" *SLAP!* "Wait! I hear voices." Dupont replied as he entered the kitchen, "Ah, alas, I wasn't alone." "Actually, we're lads, not lasses." Creep corrected. *SLAP!* "You heard the plot, didn't you?!!" "No." Creep muttered. "Yes." Ravishing answered. "You lie!" "No." Ravishing said. "Yes." Creep retorted. "Never mind!" Dupont mocked, "You will never live to tell the tale." "The Tale of Two Cities?!!" Creep asked. "NO, you idiot! The plan I have in store for, oh, never mind!" "What will you do to us?!" Creep jested, "Put us on a machine to tear off our lips?!" "Of course!" WILL DUPONT SUCCEED IN HIS PLOT TO MONOPOLIZE STOCK? WILL RAVISHING AND CREEP LOSE THEIR LIPS? DO LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS? WILL PHYSICS MAN AND RODENT SAVE THE TWO HEROS FROM AN UNTIMELY DEMISE? WILL THEY BE ON TIME TO STOP THEIR UNTIMELY DEMISE? (continued next time in part 4 of 4 of Quarters Quarterly!) NOTE TO READERS: Subscribe to SUPERPEN and comment on this comic!!! This author WILL respond to mail (especially if it cloggs his account)!!! ========================================================================= Date: 17 Mar 1991 14:37:34 Subject: Quarters Quarterly =part 4 of 4= From: Duke da Duck Wait a minute! This is NOT the fast, six idioms or less, check out of life???: QUARTERS QUARTERLY By Ken Cooney "The man who's life story was written with a number four pencil" =Issue 4 of 4= "Return to Your Quarters" Or "A Fool and His Lips Are Soon Parted" Our two heros (or rather MY two heros), Ravishing Roger and Commander Creep, were tied down on a long table, lying beside eachother. "Posh!" Roger cursed, "If these tight bindings wrinkle my polyester and silk suit, gasp, I don't know what I'd do." "Roger." Creep spoke in monotone, "People like you that get killed by people like me-" "SILENCE!" Dupont yelled, "I SWEAR!" "You shouldn't swear." Creep commented. *SLAP!* "I say to thee, silence, you bufoons!" Dupont hissed, "Even BEFORE this episode, you were bickering! 'What are you doing?' 'Oh, these straps are too tight!' 'What planet are we on?' 'How do we breathe?' ... GEESH! I'll be glad when I remove your lips!" Elsewhere in the base, the Rodent Revenger, clad in his best black suede jacket, opens the door infront of him. "Physics Man?!!" "Ah ... it seems we were going in circles." Physics Man noted. "Then how'd you get here so fast?" "I have a small, portable teleporter on my utility belt." "Isn't that-" "Yes!" Physics Man replied, "And Bat Man will never miss it! Of course, I did a few modifications with it." "Can I get one of those?" "No, it's much too dangerous in the hands of the incompetent ... but that's not important right now. Roger and Creep are in trouble." "How do you know?" Rodent asked. "This is the fourth part of a four part series. Someone is ALWAYS in trouble near the end. Also, something tells me that Dupont has already revealed his scheme. Actually, that *something* is this sign lying on the wall stating 'Dupont has already revealed his scheme'." "I thought this comic was getting really silly." "Quick! Grab a hold of me! We must hurry to where ever they may be. Hopefully there is enough juice to take us to where they might be ... but we must take small leaps. I don't want to burn out this teleporting device." Taking 50 yard teleporting leaps, Physics Man and Rodent moved their way to the kitchen. "Rats!" Physics Man yelled, "It's out of juice." "There's orange juice in the fridge." Rodent mentioned. "Great! Bring it here!" Physics Man said as he opened the teleporter's gas tank, "Orange you glad this device is versatile?" *SLAP!* Back at the lab, Dupont is cursing under his breath: "Damn damn DAMN!" Dupont gave his machine a good, swift kick. "Just as the warranty ran out yesterday, this thing breaks down!" Dupont hissed, "But, no matter! I will cut off your lips if it's the last thing I do!" Dupont reached over into a huge, wooden chest and brought out an axe. "This doesn't look promising!" Roger commented. "Especially the way he's shakin it!" Creep noticed. "THIS!" Dupond shouted, shaking the axe, "is no ORDINARY axe!" "Must we go though this EVERY time something new is introduced?!!" "THIS!" Dupont continued, "is the ORIGINAL axe use by good old George Washington! "The one he used to chop down the cherry tree?!!" Creep gasped. "The one and the same!" Dupont said with a smile, "I had to replace the handle AND the blade." Just as things seemed desperate- "STOP!" Physics Man yelled, "Or I'll say stop again!" "Physics Man!" Roger shouted, "Am I glad to see you!" "Are you?" Creep asked. "You're lucky that I'm bound." Roger commented, "Or I'd slap you." Physics Man reached under his cape and held out his trusty tennis ball launcher. "Move and you'll be pelted. This device can launch tennis balls at the horrendous speed of 200 miles per hour!" "STUPENDOUS!" Rodent gasped. "No, stupendous would be 500 miles per hour." "You'll never get me!" Dupont said as he ran into his escape pod which just so HAPPENED to be next to him. "He's getting away!" Creep yelled, still bound to the table. "That's not important right now!" Roger said, as Rodent started unbinding him, "We must stop the Duracell Bunny before it delivers the nerve gas eggs!" "Will someone unbind me?!!" Creep begged. "Must we?" Rodent asked Physics Man. "I'm afraid so." Physics Man answered, regretting it already. "Alright." Rodent muttered, unbinding Creep. "Stop the Duracell Bunny!" Creep yelled. "CHARGE!" they all shouted, tackling the bunny. RUCKASS RUCKASS RUCKASS RUCKASS RUCKASS RUCKASS RUCKASS RUCKASS RUCKASS RUCKASS "It's no good!" Physics Man said, panting, "Quick, someone try grabbing the battery." RUCKASS RUCKASS RUCKASS RUCKASS AND PLENTY MORE RUCKASS WHERE THAT CAME FROM!!!! "Got it!" Creep triumphantly replied. "Aha!" Physics Man noticed, "This bunny has a homing device. I have an idea." Later, back at the base known as Quartermain, our heros (or rather MY heros) are resting after a hard days night, and they've been working like a dog... "Well, we've disposed of all of the nerve gas eggs." Physics Man sighed, wiping the sweat off of his brow. "By the way, what DID you do with the bunny?" Rodent asked. "I sent it back to Dupont." "YOU SENT IT BACK?!!! WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS?!!" "Well." Physics Man said with a smile, "I DID do one minor correction before I sent him back ... I gave him the runs." "The runs?" Creep retorted. "Yes." Physics Man laughed, "That way he keeps going and going and going ..." Suddenly, everyone grabbed their nearest couch pillow and battered Physics Man's head (and battered the AUTHOR'S head). (continued next time in part 5 of 4 of Quarters Quarterly!) "Continued?!!" Rodent retorted, "But, this comic is over!" "Not until you save the fair maiden in distress!" "What fair maiden?" Snicker snicker snicker. ... NOTE TO READERS: Subscribe to SUPERPEN and comment on this comic or any other comic, for that matter!!! This author WILL respond to mail (or preferably femail)!!! ========================================================================= Date: 20 Mar 1991 00:10:34 Subject: Quarters Quarterly #5 From: Duke da Duck OH NO! NOT AGAIN! Ken is STILL writing!: QUARTERS QUARTERLY By Ken "Duracells, rather than coffee, keep me going" Cooney =Issue 5= [No, it's NOT related to Issues 1-4] "If there must be a hero, why ME?!!" (Part 1 of 4) Or "A kingdom for a plot!" Located somewhere in Washington D.C., lies the base know as Quartermain, where the heros known as Quarters Incorperated - heros for hire are working out. "Thrrrreeeeeee... pant pant pant ... ffffffooooooouuuurrrr." Rodent walks in the gym, spying Ravishing Roger doing push-ups. "Five hundred and five. Five hundred and six. Oh, hi Rodent. I didn't notice you there." "I bet." Rodent mumbled, flexing his muscles. "Well, I guess that's enough push-ups for today!" Roger said, getting up and groaning a bit. "Where's Physics Man?" Rodent asked. "Exercising to music in the next room." "Jazzercise?" "No, Iron Maidencise." In the adjacent room: "Run - for - the - HILLS! BAH BAH! Run - for - your - LI-IVES!" Jumping in pace with the music, Physics Man is frantically trying to get rid of his gut, and flabby thighs. Suddenly, 'Wasted Years' blasted through Physics Man's computerized 2,000,000 CDs random-play-capable CD player. "Heck with that!" he panted, resting. "Physics!" Rodent yelled, "May I use the room, now?" "Be my guest!" "Tired already?!!" Commander Creep said as he entered the room. "I thought you were going to exercise?" Rodent replied. "I did!" Creep retorted, "In the local health club surrounded by a hundred lucious bods." "Did I ever tell you that you're a heel?" Rodent cursed. "Many times." Creep smiled, "But flattery will get you nowhere!" BEDU-BEDU-BEDU-WAA-WAA-WAA-DOOOOWAAAA... "It's the trouble alert!" Physic Man yelled, dashing to the computer central of Quartermain. There, Physic Man saw Ravishing Roger holding a piece of computer print paper with their next assignment on it. "Quayle got sucked into Storybook land." Roger replied. "You CAN'T be serious!" Rodent sighed. "Remember." Physic Man reminded the group, "Ken is the writer of this story. Anything is possible." "I thought that the Awesome Force destroyed the portal to TV land." Commander Creep muttered. "Well, Storybook land is a smaller, innocent version of TV land." "Innocent ... with Quayle???" Somewhere in Storybook land, Dan Quayle stands on a dirt road. "Gee ... this certainly don't look like Kansas anymore." "TIS HIM!" a man shouted from behind. Quayle turned around to see a man dressed in early pre-Renesance clothing. "Tis the knight we have been waiting for!" "ME?!" Quayle asked, baffeled (as usual). "What is thy name, sir?" "Quayle." "A knight, named after a bird?!" the man replied, "Well, no matter, sir knight. You must come to the castle of Sir Arthur and be dubbed Sir Quayle. Tell me from whence you came?" "What?" "Wence you came, sir?" "You mean my course?" "AH!" the man yelled, tugging at Quayle's arm "Come with me, Sir Quayle of Course! We must be off!" Dan Quayle followed the man down the road, to Camelot. HOW DARE KEN START UP A DIMENSION CALLED STORYBOOK LAND?!! WILL BILL PAUL KILL KEN COONEY BEFORE THE COMIC IS FINISHED? IS DAN QUAYLE REALLY THE MAN THE SQUIRE WAS LOOKING FOR? WILL DAN QUAYLE BE DUBBED SIR QUAYLE OF COURSE? HOW WILL QUARTERS INCORPERATED SAVE QUAYLE? WILL THERE BE A MAIDEN IN DISTRESS? AND, IF SO, WITH QUAYLE AS A KNIGHT, CAN ONE SEE WHY SHE'S DISTRESSED??? (Continued in part 2 of 4 in the next issue of Quarters Quarterly!) ========================================================================= Date: 20 Mar 1991 00:11:19 Subject: Quarters Quarterly #6 From: Duke da Duck Ken is still going and going and going ... QUARTERS QUARTERLY By Ken "The Monkey Wrench In The Works" Cooney =Issue 6= [STILL not related to Issues 1-4] "If there must be a hero, why ME?!!" (Part 2 of 4) Or "A Squire has four equal sides." Quickly, the four members of Quarters Incorperated - heros for hire dash to the Quartermain parking lot. "Let's take Rodent's Monster Truck!" Physics Man replied, jumping into the back seat. The other three piled in and Rodent drove the truck out on their driveway toward the street. "GEESH!" Creep yelled, "Traffic! It must be backed up for miles!" "Don't worry about it!" Rodent said, as the truck drove toward the cars at full throttle. Rodent turned on the microphone. "MONSTER TRUCK!! THE MOST POWERFUL TRUCK ON WHEELS-WHEELS-WHEELS-WHEELS! PULL TO THE SIDE OR BE CRUSHED-CRUSHED- CRUSHED! HOT ROD RACING! MONSTER DIRT BOGGS-" "What?!" Ravishing asked. "They always say that last bit on the commercials." Rodent explained. The cars conviently pulled to the side, letting Rodent's Monster Truck through. After a mile of convienent traffic free driving (except one idiot in a Porsche who wouldn't move ... NOW it's a convertable!) the heros reached the white house. "Gee, there's alot of white houses around here!" Creep noted, "Which one do you think it is?" "The one with the electric fence and the picketers infront of it!" Physics Man answered. Rodent parked the truck in a fire lane area. "Let's see them TRY to tow this sucker!" he laughed. Quickly they dashed to the White House, at which point they were escorted in by men wearing suits, dark glasses, with headphones in their left ears. "Gee ... are you guys related?" Creep asked. "Don't slap Creep, Rodent." Physics Man warned, "Any trouble and someone may get hurt." "Awww ... geesh!" Rodent protested, but reluctantly gave in. "Actually, this place is off white." Creep noted. "Creep." Rodent warned, jabbing him in the arm. CIA Man 1:"Move" CIA Man 2:"This" CIA Man 3:"Way" "Neat trick." Creep muttered to Physics Man, obviously impressed. CIA Man 1:"Right" CIA Man 2:"Through" CIA Man 3:"Here" "Geesh ... this is getting a bit confusing." Ravishing mumbled. "You may leave now." George Bush said, motioning them away. CIA Man 1:"Alright" CIA Man 2:"Sir" CIA Man 3:"We'll" CIA Man 1:"Be" CIA Man 2:"Right" CIA Man 3:"Outside" Meanwhile, somewhere in Storybook land, the squire is leading Dan Quayle to Camelot. "Where are you taking me again?" Quayle asked, confused as always. "Camelot." "Is that like a car lot?" Quayle asked. "What is a car?" the squire replied. "You know ... volkwagen?" "Folk's wagon? You must mean chariot. We're headed to a castle." Quayle looked down the path, spying a man on an old horse with a fat man by his side on a burro. "Good sir, who are you?" the squire asked. "I am Don Quijote de la Mancha! I have fought great giants off yonder and now I search for greater adventure! This here is my squire Sancho!" Don Quijote motioned to the man on his side. "I hear you have proffered for a knight." Don Quijote continued. "We have found the knight we have been looking for, Sir." the squire said, motioning Dan Quayle. "And who be this great knight?" "Sir Quayle of Course." "Course? I have not heard of such place. It must be far away. Well, I wish thee good journey, I am off to find great adventure. Come, Sancho, I spy some more great giants off in the distance." "They have football here?" Quayle muttered, wondering. "Those are not giants!" Sancho explained, "They are meer windmills!" "Nay, they fool us in trickery to make us believe such, but I know otherwise! I can see through their guise! They must be giants!" "Isn't that a rock group?" Quayle asked. Don Quijote raced his horse down the hill, lance bearing down, with Sanco trailing close behind. "Well." the squire muttered, confused to what had occured, "Off to Camelot!" Back at the White House: "This book here." Bush replied, motioning the book by his side, "Was sent to Dan Quayle yesterday. It looked harmless." Physics Man grabbed his suped up Captain Crunch 3-D glasses and examined the book. "Well ... it has a wierd aura about it." "Anyways." Bush continued, "Dan Quayle opened the book and disappeared." "Hmm ... 'Medieval Tales ... and other such nonsence'. This sounds quite fishy!" Rodent noted, looking at the book. "I tried notifing the Awesome Force, seeing that they were involved in the TV land incident, but they weren't available. I left a message with Gus' answering machine." Bush mumbled, wincing, "'Leave your name and damn message after the regurgitated wheeze ...' Anyways, it looks like you guys are all I got for now." "Well, have no fear! I am here!" a voice cried aloud. The group turned around to see a man clad in paisley spandex, a white t-Shirt, and striped suspenders. "How'd you get past my defences?!!" Bush yelled. "I am the Weasel! The Awesome Force Wanabe! I was able to squeeze my way through the drains and ventilation shaft!" "GUARDS!" CIA Man 1:"Come" CIA Man 2:"With" CIA Man 3:"Me" "No!" the Weasel screamed, squirming. CIA Man 1:"He" CIA Man 2:"Is" CIA Man 3:"Slippery" CIA Man 1:"As" CIA Man 2:"An" CIA Man 3:"Eel" The Weasel broke free of the guards and jumped into the nearest ventilation shaft. WHO IS THE WEASEL? WILL HE INTERFERE WITH QUARTERS INCORPERATED'S EFFORTS TO GET QUAYLE? WHY ISN'T GEORGE BUSH USING HIS POWERS AS SURPLUS MAN? WHO SENT DAN QUAYLE THE BOOK? WILL THE AWESOME FORCE BE TIED INTO ANOTHER 13 PART SERIES? WILL THE AWESOME FORCE HUNT DOWN THE WEASEL AND KILL HIM? WILL THE AWESOME FORCE HUNT DOWN KEN COONEY AND KILL HIM? IF A LYNCH MOB HUNTS DOWN KEN, WILL DAVID AND MERRYL LYNCH HELP? (Continued in part 3 of 4 in the next issue of Quarters Quarterly!) ========================================================================= Date: 01 Apr 1991 19:23:02 Subject: Quarters Quarterly #7 (the lost episode, not LAST) From: Duke da Duck His comics bombard the vaxes, leaving the readers between Iraq and a hard place: QUARTERS QUARTERLY By Ken "Cruel and Unusual PUNnishment" Cooney =Issue 7= [not QUITE related to Issues 1-4] "If there must be a hero, why ME?!!" (Part 3 of 4) Or "Giant Disappointments" At the White House, the members of Quarters Incorperated - heros for hire, get prepaired to enter the Storybook land dimension: "You better stand back." Physics Man told George Bush, "We don't know the range of its dimensional pull." Bush stood a few steps back, watching as Physics Man opened the book, with his teammates standing over him. Then, suddenly, they disappeared just as Dan Quayle had done, and the book closed once again. Back at Storybook land, Dan Quayle finally reaches Camelot: "This, Sir Knight, is Camelot!" Before them stood a sight to see. Huge castle walls made of stone, with flags furling overhead. Trumpets blaring welcoming as the drawbridge slowly lowered over the moat. Indeed, Ken has outdone himself this time! The squire lead Quayle into the castle and toward the round table. "AH!" a man in armor replied in joyous array, "Tis the knight we have be looking for! I am King Arthur, knight of the round table! Who be this fine gentleman!" "He is Sir Quayle of Course!" the squire proudly announced. "Sir Quayle, kneel and be dubbed Sir Quayle of Course, knight of the round table." "Wait!" Sir Lancelot interrupted, "We must send Sir Quayle on a quest!" "Yes, send him to get the Dragon's hoard!" Sir Longfellow laughed. "There shall be no hazing!" Author replied, quieting them down, "We shall send Quayle on a simple task. Over yonder hill, an evil wizard has captured a fair maiden and has locked her in a tall tower." "Which maiden is this?" Quayle asked. "Maiden Taiwan!" Arthur answered, "You must rescue her, and bring her to me, if you wish to take the challenge." "Sure he will!" the squire shouted. "Why not?!" Quayle answered, really getting into his new role. "Lancelot! Get this knight fitted in armor and shield. Have them create a sword of slaying and whatever else he might have of need." "Follow me, Sir Quayle." Lancelot replied, leading Dan Quayle down the hall. Elsewhere, our heros (or rather MY heros) appeared on a dirt pathway: "Well, we all made it." Rodent mentioned. "Dusty roads?!" Ravishing asked, "Don't they PAVE them? Dust ruins my hair!" "I believe this is Middle Earth." Physics Man explained. "I thought the middle of the earth was a molten core?" Creep noted. *SLAP!* "That's Middle Earth as in MIDEVIL TIMES!" Physics Man explained, "You know, knights, swordsmen, damsels in distress-" "Damsels in dat dress." Creep replied, pointing to a lady heading down the road. *SLAP!* "OUCH!" "Pardon me, dear lady, but why art thou crying?" Rodent asked. "Her name is Art?!" *SLAP!* "A cruel wizard has taken my sister and put her high upon a tower." She cried. "Is there a knight to save her?" Physics Man mentioned. "Aye." she replied. "You're a knight?!" Creep scoffed. *SLAP!* "King Arthur has found a knight." she continued, "Sir Quayle of Course." "Sir Quayle of-" Physics Man muttered, shaking his head. "This CAN'T be the same Quayle that we're looking for?" Rodent muttered. "I'm afraid so." Physics Man replied with a sigh. "But a KNIGHT?!!" Creep bellowed. "Thank God he won't be dubbed KING!" Physics Man noted, "WAIT! Is Lancelot one of Arthur's knights?" "Aye, sir." "I have a feeling that if King Arthur dies, somehow, Quayle will become king." Physics Man explained. "How do you know?" Rodent gasped. "KEN is writing the story!" Back in the White House, while the Oval Office is deserted, the Weasle comes out from hiding: "Why do they call this the Oval Office?!" Weasle muttered, "It's rectangle!" For no fault of his own, the author placed no one else in this room to slap the Weasle. "Look, a book!" the Weasle replied, lunging for the book, "Midevil ... hmmm, I wonder if this is Nitzche!" Boy is he begging to get slapped. The Weasle opened the book and disappeared. Once again, the book closed. At that point three CIA men quickly enter the room. CIA Man 1:"I" CIA Man 2:"Thought" CIA Man 3:"That" CIA Man 1:"I" CIA Man 2:"Heard" CIA Man 3:"Something" To make a really long story short (or episode, in this case), the CIA men determined that it was probably the wind. Back in Storybook land, Sir Quayle of Course, wearing heavy armor and a shield, approaches the tower on horseback, to see someone already there: "Do I know you from somewhere?" Dan Quayle asked. "I am Don Quijote de la Mancha! This is my squire, Sancho Panza." "Why are you here?" "I am here to rescue my Dulcinia from yonder tower." "But that's maiden Taiwan!" Quayle replied. "I told you-" Sancho started. "Nay! Tis the fair maiden Dulcinia! Begone! For I must save her!" "I was told by King Arthur to save her!" "Do you question my knighthood?!" Don Quijote mocked, "Then we shall joust to the death! The victor saves yonder fair maiden!" WILL DAN QUAYLE WIN THE JOUST? WILL QUARTERS INCORPERATED BE ABLE TO SAVE QUAYLE? WILL DAN QUAYLE BECOME KING OF ENGLAND? WILL THE WEASLE NOW INTERFERE WITH QUARTERS INCORPERATED'S EFFORTS? ARE THE CIA MEN THE MALE COUNTERPARTS OF THE SUPREMES IN DISGUISE? (Continued in part 4 of 4 in the next issue of Quarters Quarterly!) ========================================================================= Date: 20 Mar 1991 00:13:00 Subject: Quarters Quarterly #8 From: Duke da Duck Surgeon General Warning: Ken's comics may cause brain damage with long exposure: QUARTERS QUARTERLY By Ken "The Founder of Vax Account Back-Log System" Cooney =Issue 8= [In an obscure way, MOSTLY related to Issues 5-7] "If there must be a hero, why ME?!!" (Part 4 of 4) Or "The Knight Has Fallen" Quickly, the four members of Quarters Incorperated - heros for hire rushed to the tower. There they saw an old man lying on the ground with a fat man helping him up. "Who are you? Another knight?" the fat man asked. "ANOTHER knight?!" Physics Man asked, "Was Sir Quayle of Course here?" "Yes, you missed him by mere moments!" the fat man answered, "He has just rescued the fair maiden and is proceeding to King Arthur's castle." "Damn! We're too late!" Rodent cursed. "Not if we get to Camelot first!" Physics Man replied, "Let's hope I don't burn out the teleporter getting there!" With a buff of smoke, the four disappeared. Elsewhere, Quayle is leading maiden Taiwan to Camelot: "Stop fustering!" Quayle replied to the woman slung around his shoulder. "Ruu stupeed indeyot! Poot mey donn!" Okay, so he's dragging her to Camelot. Same thing. At Camelot, things get pretty hairy: "The King is dying!" a man screams. "It's the Sushi!" another man yells. "Kill the cook! Kill the cook!" "Oops, how was I to know the Sushi had the plague." the Weasle muttered, tossing his apron at the crowd and running away. Meanwhile, Sir Quale FINALLY runs into the four members of Quarters Incorperated: "OUCH!" Rodent yelled, "You teleported too close, Physics Man!" "How was I to know how fast he was coming?" Physics Man rebutted. "Begone! I must save the maiden!" Quayle replied. "Moron!" the maiden screamed. "Save, nothing, we're taking you with us." the Rodent Revenger replied as he quickly hauled Quayle off his horse. The five vanished in a puff of smoke. Much later: "Well ... we finally made it back where we started." Creep replied in much relief, "Now what?" "I guess we wait." Physics Man replied. ... "Ah ... Ken?" Oh yeah ... *BAMF* Back at the White House: "We're back!" Rodent replied with a grin. "Who's the author of that damn book?!!" Rodent asked. "DOCTOR TOON?!!!" they all shouted. "Quick!" Physics Man yelled, "Burn the book!" Rodent rushed to the book. The flame. The papier. The flame should benez the papier, but it shant because its asbestos cover. "Here, try this!" Physics Man yelled, tossing Rodent a shatterproof bottle. Rodent poured the contents upon the book, at which point, the book dissolved. "What was in that container?" Ravishing asked. "Cheeze Whiz." After many goodbyes (especially from the three CIA men), the group went to where Rodent had parked the Monster Truck. "It's gone!" Rodent screamed, quite angry and surprised, "It's actually gone!!!" "TAXI!" Creep yelled. A car pulled over. But this car was no ordinary car- "Not this 'NO ORDINARY' garbage all over again!" Creep complained. -it was the Chauffeur! "Where to?" the Chauffeur said with a sadistic laugh. The four piled in, and with a little bit of burning rubber, the car sped into traffic, weaving in and out, JUST missing getting hit by inches. "WAIT!" the Chauffeur cried aloud, "That's a kid on a skateboard with headphones and wearing a New Kids On The Block shirt! That's worth 235 points!" The car changed its course, racing after its intended victim. Elsewhere, the Weasle transports somehow into Doctor Toon's laboratory: "Gee ... what's this neat place?" the Weasle muttered, glancing over a really neat-o looking device, "I wonder what this big red button does-" Doctor Toon comes running into the room ... The scene fades to black ... And there is one lone voice ... ... Screaming ... "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! ALL OF MY HARD WORK, RUINED!!! IF I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!!!" WILL QUARTERS INCORPERATED EVER GET BACK TO QUARTERMAIN? WILL DOCTOR TOON EVER GET RID OF THE WEASLE? (The world ... may never know.) ========================================================================= Date: Thu, 9 Apr 1992 20:09:00 EDT Reply-To: UCF SUPERGUY List Sender: UCF SUPERGUY List From: Duke da Duck Subject: SG: "More on this Crisis thing" Quarters Quarterly #9 QUARTERS QUARTERLY ISSUE #9 By some guy "I'm in a Mid-Crisis Life" [part 1 of 4] or "Name that " Commander Creep, Ravishing Roger, the Rodent Revenger, and Physics Man found themselves on an interesting adventure. "I knew where I was before the adventure started!" Creep mentioned. =SLAP!= Anyway, the group decided to search for some excitement, as if the Spanish Inquisition wasn't excitement enough. So, due to the lack of creativity of EVERYONE'S part (especially mine), the members of Quarters Incorperated decided to go down the path that the Legion of Stuperheros did. Suddenly, the group came upon a group of s lying on the floor [see LoS #14]. "What are these s doing here?!" Creep asked. "I didn't expect to see these s here," Rodent muttered. "You know, these are the wierdest s I've ever seen!" Roger stated, as he returned his glances to his mirror. The group walked around the s and continued down the corridor. Around the next bend, they saw another thing. "That's not a !" Creep rebutted. "No, but it is something," Physics Man said as he examined it. "But that something is not a ," Creep added. "Just leave those s out of this, okay?!" Rodent hissed, obviously angry, wishing he never seen those s. "That's a stange looking thing," Roger replied as he strained to peel his eyes away from his mirror. "That's what it is!" Physics Man shouted. "What is it?" Rodent asked. "It's a Strange looking Thing (tm)!" "We KNEW that, moron!" Creep grumbled. "Heck, *I* could have told you THAT! It doesn't to take a genious to say that." "That's why YOU could have said it," Rodent smirked. "If I didn't know better, I'd say that THAT was an insult!" Creep yelled. "Stop the bickering!" Physics Man interrupted. The two silenced and looked at Physics Man, who was taking on of his gadgets, tracing it across the edge of the Strange Looking Thing. The device made a beep beep sound as it aproached the center. "What's that?" asked Rodent. "That's my beep beep device," Physics Man explained, putting it away. "I was just checking to see if it still works." Rodent sighed and shook his head. "If I'm not wrong, I think the Legion of Stuperheros walked into this Strange Looking Thing (tm)." Physics concluded. "So, maybe we should go after them?" Creep asked. "I don't know-" "Come on!" Rodent smirked, putting on his brass knuckles and taking out his laser pistol. "It could be fun! Maybe we can finally kick some alien butt." "Most aliens don't have butts," Creep mentioned. "Well, then we'll kick some alien antennae. Who cares?! As long as I get to do the fighting first!" "It might not be safe..." Physics man warned. "Safe schmafe!" A dramatic tone filled the air as the lights dim. "Maybe we should listen to Physics Man," Ravishing Roger said, putting his mirror away. "I mean, if my face gets damaged-" "Well, I'll leave you here to get eaten my some bug-eyed alien," Rodent said as he jumped in. "Damn!" Physics cursed. "We'd better go on in after him!" "I'm not going..." Roger stated. "Fine, you stay guard," Physics ordered. "Yeah," Creep added. "Be on the look out for any hungry, bug-eyed alien with a bottle of A1 stake sauce." The two jumped into the Strange Looking Thing (tm). Roger chuckled to himself. "Bug-eyed monster indeed!" A shadow passed behind him. Roger turned around to see a bug-eyed monster holding a bottle of A1 stake sauce. "ARGGH!" he screamed as he jumped in the Strange Looking Thing (tm). "What's eating him?" the bug-eyed monster muttered. "I was just going to ask him if he knew where the bathrooms in this ship were." "Strange." Physics Man muttered, looking around. A loud screaming echoed in the air. "Ah, that must be Roger," Rodent replied, checking his watch. "Just in time, too." Roger fell on the ground with a loud thud. "Glad to see that you joined us," Rodent chuckled as he helped Roger up. "Well," Roger muttered, dusting himself off, "I thought that you guys would miss me." "Right," Rodent grinned. Roger looked around the place, quite at awe. "This is strange," Roger gasped. "That's what I said," Physics Man noted. "Really?" "Yeah, it's right here in the script," Physics Man noted, taking out some stapled together sheets of paper. "Ah ..." Roger muttered, thinking. "Then, what's my line?" "Ouch, my buttox hurts." Physics Man quoted. "I think we have to take it from the top." "ALL the way from the top?" Roger gasped. "I'm afraid so." "Strange." Physics Man muttered, looking around. A loud screaming echoed in the air. "Ah, that must be Roger," Rodent replied, checking his watch. "Just in time, too." Roger fell on the ground with a loud thud. "Glad to see that you joined us," Rodent chuckled as he helped Roger up. "Well, I thought that you guys would miss me." Roger muttered, dusting himself off. "Right," Rodent grinned. "Ouch, my buttox hurts." "Well, it appears that this place is one huge maze of some sort," Physics Man concluded. "Where do we go from here?" Rodent asked. "There!" Physics Man mentioned obscurely, "Where that huge, elongated spinning diamond is." "The one in the middle of that huge lightning storm?" Creep asked. "Yep, that one," Physics agreed. WHERE ARE THEY? WHERE ARE THE LEGION OF STUPERHEROS? HOW WILL THEY THE MEMBERS OF QUARTERS INCORPERATED GET BACK? DID THE BUG EYED MONSTER *REALLY* WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOMS ARE? [To be continued in Quarters Quarterly #10]