========================================================================= Date: 14 Feb 1991 00:46:00 Subject: Stan, the Toilet Man #1 From: Duke da Duck Oh no... It's the world's 1ST 2-D superhero! STAN, THE TOILET MAN By Now Hugh Gottit Somewhere in a small town named Plainville, there lived a man named Stan Simpleton, know to all as the lowly toilet repair man. "HEY, lowly toilet repair man! Fix my plumming!" Armed with a tool box, Stan fixed toilets, thus his name. Just when this comic seemed utterly boring, something happened! While fixing a Nueclear power plant's toilet, the plant started acting funny. "Hey, Bill, this plant is acting funny." It started to glow. "It's starting to glow!" It was going to blow. "It's gonna blow!" Echo. "Echo." The plant blew up, with a big 2-D mushroom cloud, knocking Stan out of the 2-D world and into the 3-D world. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Somewhere, back on Earth, lived the infamous, good-for-nothing, evil minded, notorious Dr. Yes, in an isolated black castle. "Ba-hahahaha." Yes laughed for dramatic purposes only. There was a knock at his door. "Come in." Yes replied. "Are you the infamous, good-for-nothing, evil minded, notorious Dr. Ya?" "NO NO! YES!" "Make up your mind!" the person replied. "I am Dr. Yes!" "That what I said." Dr. Yes growled in anger, "What do you want?!" "I am your new evil, sadistic assistant." the man replied. "You are?!!" "Ah ... I'm answering the add you placed in the paper?" "Oh oh oh, and what is your name?" yes replied with an evil grin. "Sheldon." "Sheldon?!! NO NO NO! That won't do!" "What's wrong with my name?!" Sheldon asked. "'The evil, sadistic assistant, Sheldon' doesn't strike fear in people's hearts! What's you're middle name?" "Herman." "Your parents hated you, didn't they? Well, no matter, we need to give you an EVIL name, a name that will make people cower in fear!" "How about Biff!" "Sheldon, this is not a SURFING COMIC!!! Get with the program! How about Igor?!!!" "How about Spike?" "Igor it is." Dr. yes replied. "I don't LIKE Igor, Dr. Yo!" "NOT YO! YES! YES! DR. YES!!!" "Yeah yeah!" "NOT YEAH, GOD DAMN IT!!! YES!!!!!!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile ... or rather Nicewhile: "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........." Stan was plummeting to the ground. "What the hell is this?!!!!" he yelled, "Why haven't I hit ground?!!!" "Yooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhooooooooohhhhhhhoooooooooohhhhhhhhoooooooyyy!" Falling, accelerating, tumbling, shooting downward, crashing, going really fast ... Stan approached the ground. >CRASH!< "Ahhhh ... I think I broke every stick in my body." Stan mumbled. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile ... or rather VERY-Meanwhile (you know what I mean): "Alright, I'll call you Spike, so long as you call me Dr. Yes." the doctor replied, "NOT YA, YO, OR YEAH ... and you CERTAINLY can't call me Al!" "Okay! Okay! I get the picture!" Spike replied. "Um ... do you have any credentials?" "I skipped school once." "SKIPPED SCHOOL?!!!" Dr. Yes questioned. "Ahuh! And one time I sneaked a snack before bedtime!" "SNEAKED A SNACK?!! SKIPPED SCHOOL?!! What are you, a wimp?!!" "I'm not a wimp!" Spike yelled, "I stepped on a worm once!" "OUT! OUT! OUT!" Dr. yes yelled, chasing Spike out of the room. Dr. Yes slammed the door and screamed aloud. "DAMN! You can't find bad help now-a-days!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Elsewhere: (where else?!!) "Gee ... I thought I heard something over here." a boy replied, rushing across the field. "LOOK!" a girl replied, "What is it?" "I think it's a stick." The boy answered, tapping it with his foot. "It moved!" The two stood back a back, surprised. "Maybe it's some kind of snake." the boy replied. "Or maybe it's the Boogie monster!" "It's not the Boogie monster!" the boy mocked. "How do you know?" she asked. "Cos if he was, he'd have Boogies up his nose!" The figure stirred and slowly got up. "Unnnggghh.." "It's alive!" the girl replied, "I TOLD you it was the Boogie monster!" "Where am I?!!" Stan replied. "You're not gonna trick me, Mr. Boogie Monster!" the girl replied, stepping back even further. "I'm NOT the Boogie monster." Stan replied, shaking his stick-head, "I'm Stan, the toilet man." "It's the sewer monster!" they both yelled, running away. "WAIT!" Stan yelled, but his cries went unanswered. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at the castle: "Arrrghhh!" Dr. Yes cursed aloud, "Now I'll have to do my experiment alone!" Dr. Yes walked stage left. WHAT'S THE EXPERIMENT? WILL DR. YES EVER GET AN ASSISTANT? WHAT DOES STAN HAVE TO DO WITH THIS? WHAT DOES THE BOOGIE MONSTER HAVE TO DO WITH THIS? Find out in issue TWO of "Stan, the Toilet Man" appearing ONLY in Superguy comics (cos, frankly, no one else would take it!)... ========================================================================= Date: 14 Feb 1991 21:09:46 Subject: Stan the Toilet Man #2!!! From: Duke da Duck Well, golly ... It's the 1ST 2-D Superhero! STAN THE TOILET MAN By Nary Tree ISSUE #2!!! "This Looks Like A Good Place For A Stickfigure" Last Issue, Stan the toilet man was blown out of 2-D world and into a 3-D world. Ah ... I think that's it ... yeah, that's about it. On the far reaches of Plainville, the 2-D world, havok was occuring. "Where's that plummer?!!" Stan, the lowly toilet man, was nowhere to be found, and plumming seemed to fall apart everywhere. The Mayor, Mr. Goode Furnothin, decided to call a search party. "Hello, search party?" Mr. Furnothing spoke into the phone. "I'm sorry, this is the Very Kinky Sex and Mortuary line." "Isn't this 1-900-I-Go-Find?" he asked. "No, this is 1-900-We-B-Sexy." "Sorry ... wrong party line." Goode replied, writing the number down for later possible use. Dialing again ... "Hello, search party?" ... After finding the 1-900 Pizzaria (Sex and Pasta ... just say 'hold the garlic'), the 1-900 Zodiac line, the 1-900 religious cult, the 1-900 Elvis sightings line, the 1-900 'Thank you for your patronage' line and the 1-900 suicide hotline (which he was put on hold) ... Mr. Goode Furnothin finally got the Search Party line. "I want you to find someone." Goode replied. "Anyone in particular?" the voice asked. "Yes-" "Well, that'll cost you extra." the voice responded. ... Eventually, the Mayor initiated "The Search For Stan". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, back on Earth, the infamous, good-for-nothing, evil minded, notorious Dr. Yes was working on an experiment: "Alone, you forgot alone!" Ahem, right, alone. "I can't work on these conditions ... damp air, slime, sewage, mold, fungus, maggots, vomit ..." Dr. Yes bellowed aloud, "I need an assistant ... either that or a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition." There was a knock on the door. "What is it?!! Can't you see that I'm dramatically sulking?!!" "A delivery from a ... Mister Yup." "THAT'S YES! YES! DR. YES!" "Whatever ... are you gonna open the God damn door or are we gonna stand here and talk alnight?!!" "YOU are giving ME orders?!!" Dr. Yes yelled, angrily. "Well ... it's YOUR issue of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, I could care less!" "Well ... in that case come in, come in!" "I can't, sir." "What's the matter, can't you figure out how to open a door?!!" "It's locked, sir." "Oh yeah, that's right." Dr. Yes muttered, walking up to the door and unlocking it. Dr. Yes opened the door to see a big, muscular, green delivery man. "You look hulking." "That's what I've been told, sir." the deliverer replied. "Almost revolting." "DO YOU WANT ME TO SHOVE THIS PIECE OF TRASH DOWN YOUR THROAT?!!" "Say it again!" Dr. Yes grinned. "Do you want me to shove this piece of trash down your throat?" "More UMPH!" "Wait a minute, you're not one of those mad producers, are you?" "No." Dr. Yes answered, "I'm one of those mad scientists." "Oh, cos if you were, I'd have to break every bone in your body ... 'We're gonna paint your chest green', they say, 'It will wash off', they say, 'You'll be a star', they say." "A rejected shred of society, I like it!" Dr. Yes grinned, "You looking for a better line of work?" "Yeah ... like there's something worse than being a mail man." "Good point." Dr. Yes replied, "How about being my assistant?" "Is the pay good?" "No really," Yes honestly (YEESH) replied, "But you do get to destroy the frail end of society, stepping on their broken little bodies when they're down." "Kind of like IRS bill return day?" "Not quite..." The two started talking about an agreement... "Wait a minute, Mr. Author, what are you doing?!!" Yes asked. We're going to find out what Stan, the Toilet Man is up to. "Oh, MUST we?!!" Yeah, it is HIS comic. "Oh, very well." Yes muttered, "But return back soon, I have to explain my devious plot to explain to Mr. Green Giant over here." Will do. "Can you do me a favor?" Yes asked. What is it? "Can you fade to black ... black seems so ... EVIL!" Alright ... the scene fades to black. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at the field: ... Ooops, that's right, Stan isn't here right now, we must have missed him. "You looking for Stan?" the stage prop man asked. Ah ... yeah ... ahem, I kind of temperarily displaced him ... he was around here somewhere (checking pockets). "Well, Stan ain't here." NO ... REALLY?!!! "LOOK ... do you wanna know where he is or don't ya?!!" Alright, I'm sorry, where did he go. "Set 8 ... the "Starry Starry Night" scene. OH yeah, that's right, the Van Gogh set. "Ayup ... if you'll excuse me, I've got to get ready for the big chase scene." Chase scene??? I don't remember reading that in the script. "Well, we just added it in." the prop man replied, scratching his head, "It seems every good movie has to have a big chase scene..." Whatever ... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Finally, at Set 8 ... -er, somewhere on Earth, Stan the toilet man stares at the stars (Hrrm ... stares at stars ... yep, spelling is correct ... I think): "Strange ... these points of lights ... normally they'd be crazy glued right next the the ground so you could practically walk up to them and touch them." Stan sat down on the ground. "This is too strange." Stan closed his eyes and dreamed of home... {Aunty Em ... Aunty Em} -Er ... ahem, wrong story, sorry. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at the castle of Dr. Yes: "It's about time ... I was on my fourth hand of Solitaire!" Yes Complained. Ah ... Dr. Yes was playing Solitaire. Meanwhile, in 2-D world- "WAIT-" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - attempts at finding Stan were fruitless: "We can't find Stan anywhere." replied Indiana Joe, "It's fruitless!" "Not even citris?!!" the Mayor asked. "We don't even have bananas." replied Indiana Joe. "Yes," Maxwell Smart replied smartly, "We have no bananas today." "Where was he last seen?" the Mayor questioned Smart. "Indiana has that information." "No, I don't." Indiana replied. "I told you to get that information!" Smart muttered through his closed mouth, "Ahem ... we'll get right on it, Mr. Mayor!" "You guys better get on the ball!" Mayor Goode Furnothin yelled. "Any particular ball?" asked Smart. "Smart!" Indiana replied, "It was a METAPHOR!" "I knew that!" Smart replied. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back again at the castle of Dr. Yes: "GOD DAMN IT!!! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!!!" Yes yelled, "Listen, if you do that again-" Meanwhile, back at the Set 8- "STOP!!!!" Yes yelled, "Stop! I apologize!" OOOh ... the infamous, good-for-nothing, evil minded, notorious Dr. Yes APOLOGIZING! "YES! And it's not easy for me!" Dr. Yes responded, "It makes me break out in hives ... ah ... can we go on with the devious experiment?" I'm sorry, but we're out of time ... so stay tuned next time when we find out: WHAT'S DR. YES' DEVIOUS EXPERIMENT?!!! ========================================================================= Date: 15 Feb 1991 12:06:43 Subject: Stan the Toilet Man #3!!! From: Duke da Duck Holy moly ... It's the 1ST 2-D superhero! STAN THE TOILET MAN By Parkes Dats Goodwater Last issue, Stan was still bewildered by his new home. Meanwhile, at his old home, Maxwell Smart and Indiana Joe are trying to find out where Stan is, not knowing that he is in 3-D world. Also, Dr. Yes finally got an assistant and he was about to tell about his devious experiment when we ran out of time. So ... without further ado: "Finally, I'm finally gonna be able to tell my devious experiment." Dr. Yes replied with a sigh. "And what is that?" asked Dr. Yes' NEW (and improved) assistant, Lue 'Boy am I Hulking' Ferigno. "To make an evil, warmonger, fighting machine!" "Is that all?!!" "IS THAT ALL?!! What do you expect?" "Whatever happened to take control of the world?" "Nahh ... us new supervillians are much more subtle than that, we get the public to TRUST us ... kind of like Jimmy Swaggert." Dr. Yes replied. "Then we take over the world?" Lue asked. "No, then we blindly steal their hard earned cash on bogus religious fund raisers." "And then we take over the world." "No, then we currupt the youth by producing pop groups albums which the groups just lipsinc their songs, and then shove sublinimal messages in the songs." "Then we take over the world." Lue said with a nod. "Not yet..." Dr. Yes answered, "Then we transform society into lazy, unthinking, vegatable slugs that just couch out infront of the TV watching reruns of Donna Reed on cable ... and then..." Lue Ferigno looked at Dr. Yes, anxiously. "Now, you stupid idiot!" Yes yelled. "What?!!" "Now we take over the world!" "Boy, that sounds like a lot of work." "Well, this is the 90s ... it's a bit harder to take over the world now-a-days. You would think with instant credit, instant bankers, drive thru resteraunts, Federal Express, and microwaveable meals, there'd be an overnight way to take over the world. It just goes to show you that modern technology STILL has a long way to go." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, back in Plainville (the 2-D world) Maxwell Smart and Indiana Joe are looking over the library's old job lists: "What are we looking for?" Maxwell asked. "I don't know, but we'll know when we find it." Joe replied. "And how will we know what it is when we find it when we don't know what it is right now?" "Trust me, we'll know." "And what if we find something that we THINK is what we're looking for, but in actuality, it's not what we're looking for ... infact, what if it the exact OPPOSITE of what we're looking for ... and how would we KNOW if it was the exact opposite of what we're looking for if we don't know what we're looking for." "Max, you're asking for it!!!" Indiana growled. "That's what I'm trying to say ... what IS it? Or rather, what is IT?" "Max, just shut up and look!!!" "Wait a minute, I think I found something!" "What is it?" Indiana asked, looking up from his pile of lists. "My old chewing gum ... I lost it last time when I was in the library. How long was that, anyway? Ten, maybe fifteen years? I wonder if it's still chewy?" "Ugh .. I think I'm going to puke." "HEY, it hasn't lost its flavor!" "Now I KNOW I'm gonna puke." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Elsewhere, Sheldon Herman Myron, A.K.A. Spike, was walking in the cold, talking to himself, and getting a good conversation out of it: "'Not good enough', he says. I'll show him not good enough!" Forboding darkness shadowed over Sheldon as he triped over something. "Damn!" Spike complained, wiping the mud off of his face, "I ruined a good pair of Milli Vanilli designer pants!" Spike turned around to see something flat on the ground. "What's this?" he asked himself, grabbing it, "It looks like a stick figure toolbox. Hehe. Hey, it can open too!" Ominous music filtered through the air as Spike opened the toolbox. "A bright light! I wonder if there's a flashlight in here!" Spike said as he reached in the toolbox. Spike felt a tug inside the toolbox and pulled. It pulled back, dragging him into the box. The stickfigure toolbox closed and floated to the ground. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at the Ex-Starry Starry Night set Stan was waking up: "Yawn!" Exciting, huh? "Wait a minute, where's my toolbox?" I'm sorry, but we must be going to more important matters right now. "But-" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, at the local Acme Warehouse: Wait ... where's the set? "Eh?!" the stage prop man asked, "Oh ... it's you again!" Isn't this the warehouse scene? "Not anymore, I'm on strike until I get a raise!" Oh ... well, what are we to do now? "Well, the chase scene set is ready." Ah ... yeah ... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile ... ah ... improvise ... improvise ... Lue Ferigno was racing down I-86 in his Lambourghini: "How did I get in this Lambourghini?" Lue asked. Never mind, just make up a reason why you'd be racing down I-85 at 85 MPH. "Oh yeah," Lue responded, thinking, "I've gotta get the ingrediants needed to create Dr. Yes' Evil Warmonger Machine ... ah ... I gotta get it by midnight or this Lambourghini turns into a Saab." Ah ... yeah ... um ... quick dramatic effect. SUDDENLY, fifty cop cars started chasing him. "Fifty?!" Lue questioned, looking into his rear view mirror. Unbeknownst to Lue, in the trunk is Al Capone's vault, as well as Davey Jones Locker! "Get me out of here!" Davey yelled from the trunk, "I've got a gig to play!!! ... well ... lipsinc, but it's the same thing, almost." "We've gotta get that scum!" one of the cops in the cruisers said to his occupant. "You bet ya!" his occupant, Geraldo Rivera replied, "I've gotta know what's in Al Capone's vault!" "Hell with the vault, he's got a Monkey in there!" the cop replied, swerving out of the way of a Pinto, "That's cruelty to animals, 15 years to life in prison for that." "You didn't tell me that there is something in the trunk!" Lue yelled to the writer. Suddenly, the fifty cops were joined by 35 tanks, 76 Jeeps, 95 Hells Angels Bikers, and an a Monk on a Moped. "What the hell's going on here?!!" Lue yelled, putting the pedal to the floor. Lue glanced foward to see a car driving toward him. But, this was no ordinary car ... this was the car belonging to ... the Nun on the Road! WILL LUE FERIGNO GET THE INGREDIANTS HE NEEDS? WILL STAN FIND HIS TOOLBOX? WILL INDIANA JOE AND MAXWELL SMART FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO STAN? WILL PLAINVILLE FALL APART WITHOUT A GOOD PLUMMER? WILL DR. YES SUCCEED IN HIS DEVIOUS EXPERIMENT? WILL WE FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO SPIKE? WILL THE STAGE PROP MAN GET A RAISE? WILL THIS AUTHOR EVER GET A LIFE? Find out the answer to the ninth question in the next issue! ========================================================================= Date: 18 Feb 1991 09:54:08 Subject: Stan the Toilet Man #5!!! From: Duke da Duck Geesh! It's the 1ST 2-D superhero (again!) STAN THE TOILET MAN By Chore Tung ISSUE #5 "Stick in to 'em" (or "The Origin Issue" part V) (or "The Search for Stan" part III) (Or "Dinary People") Last issue, a pile up, a mess up, and two Carls. Ok, now that you are totally confused, let's continue the saga ... Lue 'Boy am I Hulking' Ferigno made a incredible 20 mile jump, landing in a small town not too far from the Acme Warehouse: "=pant= =pant= I got away ... but how long?" Lue looked around, the buildings, the roads, the 'Eat At Joes' sign ... it all looked mysteriously familiar. "There he is!" a voice yelled. Lue Ferigno turned around to see a group of people wearing tights. "I'm surprised he's not dead." the Black Knight said, panting. "He's incredibly strong!" Wonder Man answered, with a grin, "But this time with Vision's help, we can seperate him from Bruce Dickinson. Ferigno slowly stepped back in fear, suddenly realizing what was so Deja Vu about this place. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back in Plainville, the 2-D world, mayor, Goode Furnothin, was getting some rather urgent news: "Mr. Mayor, mr. mayor!" the secretary yelled, rushing in, "There is something standing right outside the window!" "The window?!!" the mayor replied, bewildered, "What is it?!!" "It's a large glass object so you can see out but the rain and the other elements can't come in ... but that's not important right now." she replied, "What is important is that this 'person' is big and calls himself Spikezilla." "You mean tall?" the mayor asked. "No ... I mean BIG ... take a look!" The mayor ran to the window and saw a stickfigure shaped person ... yet, it was ... big. "What do I do?" the mayor yelled, panicing. "I say we send out the millitary to destroy the thing." Indiana Joe replied, "Listen ... it might be a secret weapon from our neighboring enemies. I say it's best to shoot to kill!" "Do it!" the mayor said to the secretary, "Call the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines ... that's a great place to start!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, at the police lab, located at the police station, near a police parking lot, with police cars, and a police field with a police cow and a partridge in a pair tree: "Alright, move it!" a police man yelled, shoving Carl Marx against the police counter, "Book him!" "He's not Carl Marx, is he?" the booking officer asked. "Yes," the police man replied. "Great." the booking officer said, grabbing a pen, "We've got the whole bunch ... Harpo, Chico, Groucho and now Carl." "We haven't got Richard Marx yet." the officer corrected. "That's right." "So ... what do we have here?" the cop asked the lab examiner. "We think it's a microscope, but we're not sure." the lab examiner replied. "A microscope, eh? Well ... look into it." "Aye aye." "What's this?" he asked another lab examiner. "It looks like record ... it says '1999'" "Dust it for Prince." the cop replied. "I think that it may be a platnum." the second examiner replied. "Are you positive?" "No." he replied, "I'm Bill." "Ok Bill ... why is your co-examiner raising his hand?" "Oh ... he's Sure." "And what's this?" the cop asked Bill. "That's the Spanish Inquisition." "Gee ... I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition." "NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!" "Shut him up." the cop replied, angrily. "NO ... not ... the cumfy chair!" "What's this over here?" the cop asked Sure. "It's a piece of paper." "What have you made out of it?" the cop replied, curious. "Well." Sure answered, "First we made an airplane, but it wouldn't fly-" "Sir, something new has come in from the last bust." a second cop interrupted. "From the last bust? What is it?" the first cop asked. "Well ... that's when you arrest a person because the individual has something illegal on hand, but that's not important." the second answered, "What IS important is that it's a stickfigure toolbox." "Well ... get our boys on it right away." "Ah sir?" "Yes?" the first cop wondered, turning away from the toolbox. "We can't have boys, sir. We're both male." "Well ... then adopt them. I want to find out what that does right away." "Actually, sir, adoption doesn't happen right away ... it takes six months." the second cop noted. "That's right ... then skip it ... I suppose the lab examiners can take a look at it, then." "Good choice, sir." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at Acme's Warehouse, Stan was looking at the wrench in his hand: "I see you're looking at that wrench with delight." a man replied. "Actually," Stan said to him, "It's kind of hard to see it in the dark." "It suits you well." the man answered, "But that's not what I'm here for ... I'm here to give you a vital message-" "Wait a minute." Stan interrupted, "Are you a prophet?" "No." the man replied, "I'm a Morman from Jesus' Latterday Saints-" "A Morman?!@!" Stan yelled, swinging his wrench at him. "WAIT!! LET ME EXPLA-" Stan violently belted the morman man with a feeling of inner strenght. With a wrencing gut, and a wrenching swing with the wrench, he wrenched the fiend with wrenching ease, wrenching him with blood. "=pant= =pant= =pant=" Stan panted. He looked at the morman man, realizing what he had done. "-my God..." he whispered, "This is a hell of a weapon!" With a gleam in his eye, Stan grabbed forty dollars from the corpse and walked to the cashier. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at Set 8 ... the Ex-Starry Starry night set: "I'm gonna kill of Stan if it's the last thing I do." a voice replied. Wait a minute ... I don't remember this being in the script ... who is this?!! "Don't you recognize me?!!" the shadow spoke. Wait a minute!! You're the stage prop man. "Yes!" But, they fired you! "Well, I'm not out of the picture yet!" the prop man cackled, "Infact, as long as I'm in Set 8, I'll ALWAYS be in the comic!" But ... you can't do this. "I can't, can I?!! Well ... watch me ... I'll teach them to mess with Edward Finch!!!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at 2-D world the military was fighting Spikezilla: Millions of cheaply drawn tanks, fighter planes, trucks, jeeps, men, and missle launchers were approachind Spikezilla. "Ha! They think they can stop the great Spikezilla!" He screamed as he stepped on a whole army of stickmen. Spike reached in his pocket and pulled out something. "OH NO!" the General yelled, "He's got an eraser!" Everyone paniced. ... Mayor Goode Furnothing watched the chaos, afraid ... for the next election. "Mr. Mayor!" the secretary yelled. "NOT NOW!" he screamed back. "But, sir, the situation has gotten worse!" "How can it be worse?!!" "A quarter of a pannel from here ... the Army has spotten ... King Cone!" WILL KING CONE AND SPIKEZILLA DESTROY PLAINVILLE? WILL EDWARD FINCH KILL OFF STAN THE TOILET MAN? WILL THE POLICE FIND OUT WHAT THE TOOLBOX ACTUALLY IS? WILL THE POLICE BE ABLE TO CAPTURE THE FIFTH MARX BROTHER? WILL STAN KILL MORE MORMAN MORONS? WILL YOU BE ABLE TO SAY 'MORE MORMAN MORANS' TEN TIMES FAST? WILL THE MEN IN TIGHTS SEPERATE BRUCE DICKINSON FROM LUE FERIGNO? WILL ANYONE ACTUALLY READ THE NEXT ISSUE? Find out the answer to the last question in the next issue of "Stan the Toilet Man" appearing (and disappearing) in Superguy comics!!! ========================================================================= Date: 20 Feb 1991 19:41:34 Subject: Stan the Toilet Man #4!!! From: Duke da Duck Gee wiz ... It's the 1St 2-D superhero! STAN THE TOILET MAN By The Way ISSUE #4 "Sticks and Stones" (or "The Origin Issue" Part IV) Last issue alot of stuff happened, so if you missed it, consider yourself lucky. In Plainville (the 2-D world), Maxwell Smart and Indiana Joe are still looking through the list of jobs at the library, trying to determine what was Stan's last job: "I think I've found something!" Max said aloud. "What is it ... a lollypop stick you left here from second grade?" Indiana replied, sarcastically. "No ... a sheet with Stan's last job listed on it." Indiana grabbed the sheet and looked at it, "The Plainville Nuclear Power plant? But that place blew up!" Max looked at the sheet again, "I guess we know what THAT means." "Yeah ..." Indiana replied, staring at paper. "He can't be too far from the plant." Indiana looked at Max, too tired to boff him across the head, like it would do any good. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, elsewhere on Plainville, some interesting developments were occuring: "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!" Spike yelled as he fell, and landed on the ground. "What the hell!" He said as he slowly got up and looked around, "This looks like a stickfigure drawing ... but, I'm in it! How?!!" Suddenly, Spike realized what was happening. "I must be dreaming." Try again, bozo. "It's a mirage caused by a concussion?" Try 'You've fallen through the stickfigure toolbox and it somehow teleported you to the 2-D world'. "Nawwww ... it can't be." Alright ... believe otherwize ... have it your way ... I've got more important things to worry about. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, at I-85, cars, jeeps, tanks, and a moped lied strewn (or is it strown?) across the land, burning, smoldering, turned upside down: "Geesh ... what the hell happened?" Geraldo Rivera replied, crawling from the wrecked police car. "I dono ... I just saw this nun driving toward us at ten miles an hour. I tried to swerve out of the way, but it was impossible!" the cop replied. "Anyone get the license plate of that car?" "Nawwww..." another cop replied. "Damn!" Geraldo replied, scratching his head, "Even the Tanks are turned over! Her car must be dented beyond recognition!" "Not a scratch!" The cop answered. "Damn! She must have just got the car Martinized!" Geraldo said with a heavy exhale. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, at the Acme Warehouse (I hope): Gee ... the set's here ... I guess the stage prop man got a raise. "Naww..." replied a man, "We fired him ... you're looking at the grocery store used for 'Mama's Place'." Anyways, Stan found his way to the Acme warehouse. "Wow." Stan replied, looking at the hardware section, "A wrench that looks like mine ... but it's ... thicker ..." Stan looked at the engraving on the side, "WOW! It's a Stanley!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at Plainville, Mayor Goode Furnothin was sitting in his office, talking on the phone. e1 "Hello ... I'd like a pizza, hold the garlic ... and a blond number six ... ahem." Goode hung up the phone. "Sorry to interrupt you, but we found out where Stan's last job was." Maxwell Smart replied. "Don't you knock?!!" the mayor yelled. "Afraid not." Indiana replied, shaking his head, thinking about killing his agent for booking him in such a lame comic. "Infact." Max replied, "Now that I use SX500 Unleaded, my car doesn't knock either." "Never mind that!" Goode yelled, "What did you find out?!!" "Gee ... you didn't tell me we had to find out why that gas stops the knocks." Max replied, scratching his head, "That'll have to cost you extra." "NO, you idiot! He wants to know about the job!" Joe screamed. "I knew that." Maxwell spoke to Indiana, sitting on the edge of the mayor's desk. "DON'T SIT THER-" A large crash echoed through the room as a gold plated Modle-T modle fell to the ground, breaking into a million pieces. "I'm sorry about that ... I hope it wasn't as expensive as it looked." Max replied bending over to pick it up. "Never mind that! The job!" the mayor hissed. "The job was at Plainville Neuclear power plant." Indiana replied. "DAMN ... you know what that means?" Goode said, shocked. "Yes." Max answered, "He can't be too far from the plant." "Max!" Indiana cursed through his gritting teeth, grabbing Max's tie, "That joke wasn't funny the FIRST time you told it!" "Who's joking?" Max asked. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at the 50 police car/35 tank/76 jeep/95 hell angel/1 moped pile-up: "There's the car with Al Capone's vault in it!" Geraldo yelled, running to the car, laughing and drooling, "Mine mine mine, the coverage is mine! I can see it now ... another 2 hour series! YES!" A cop turned away in disgust. "You too." another cop replied, looking at Geraldo pulling at the trunk of the door, yelling 'Help me! Hahaha! Help me!'. "Why couldn't he have died?" the first cop replied. "Listen ... we might win the Persian War with minimal incidences ... we might get the defecit balanced ... we might even see an all white basketball team win the next championship ... but you can't ask for miracles." Geraldo laughed insnely banging the trunk with a crowbar. "Hey, watch it!" Davey yelled from within the trunk, "I'm in here!" "The Monkey is alive?!!" the two cops replied, looking at eachother. "Of course, I am!" Davey replied, "I've got a two year contract. I'm not allowed to die ... hell, I'm not even allowed to have a strand of hair out of place ... does anyone out there have a comb?" "Wait a minute ... where's the driver?" the first driver asked. "I saw a green hulking man jump 20 miles in the air that a way." the second cop replied. "20 MILES?!!" the first asked, "We're dealing with something inhuman." "You shouldn't talk about the author like that!" the second answered. "Sorry." "HEY! I found something out here!" the fiftieth cop replied. "What is it?" the fortininth cop asked. "It looks like a stickfigure toolbox." the eightythird hells angel biker noted. "It opens up, too!" the tenth cop replied. "Don't open it!" Carl Sagan yelled. "How'd you get here?!!" the thirtieth cop asked. "I saw a comet like thing soaring through the sky." "THIS?!!" another cop asked (how many people are there here, now?). "Don't open it! It might be a Communist plot!" the police chief replied, stepping out of the crowd. "Communist plot?!! HA!" Carl Marx laughed. "Wait a minute!" the Monk from the moped interrupted, "I thought you were dead!" "Well, so is Elvis." Marx commented. "Hell with that, someone help me!" Geraldo yelled from the Lambourghini. "Shut up!" the Monk yelled, "Or you'll have a special show about Monks who loves to ride Mopeds over sheep hearted talk show hosts!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at the castle, Dr. Yes is pacing: "Where is that lunkhead!" Yes yelled to no one, "He KNOWS that at midnight the Lambourghini turns into a Saab!" Dr. Yes turned on the TV. "-and in the Gulf ... SoDamn Insane said-" =click= "-a quote from SoDamn Insane-" =click= "-Poland sent 5000 troups to the Gulf, but the Mexicans kicked them out-" =click= "-would this place be a good place for a terrorist attack??? Yes ... well ... how about this place??? Louder please, so Allah can hear-" =click= "I repeat ... read my lips ... we will NOT use Nuclear Missles-" =click= "Dan Quale said that the US will not put aside the possibility of using Neuclear Missles-" =click= "There is a 50 cop car/35 tank/76 jeep/95 hells angel/1 moped pile-up here-" "Good ... plenty of violence!" Dr. Yes replied sitting back. "-and with us is Geraldo Rivera-" "DAMN!" Yes hissed. "Thank you, Mike. I'm Geraldo Rivera and in this car trunk is Al Capone's Vault ... as well as Davey Jones' locker. Are you alright, Davey?" "Actually, Geraldo, I think I might have some internal bleeding and brain damage-" "That's good ... and now the vault. We are opening it here live for the first time ... live and uncut on television ... live as it happens ... not prerecorded ... this is about as live as it gets-" "Shut up and open the damn vault!, Geraldo!" "Okay, police chief ... opening Al Capone's Vault ... there's not much security on the lock ... just the average lock here ... using the crowbar and ... it's open ... opening the vault now ... and ... it's ... it's ... empty! It can't be! It can't be empty! There must be some kind of secret pannel or something! Who would have a god damn empty vault!" "IDIOT!" Dr. Yes replied, chuckling. WHERE DID LUE 'BOY AM I HULKING' FERIGNO GO? WILL HE RETURN THE LAMBOURGHINI BEFORE IT TURNS INTO A SAAB? WHAT WILL THE POLICE DO WITH THE STICKFIGURE TOOLBOX? WHAT DOES CARL SAGAN AND CARL MARX HAVE TO DO WITH IT? IS IT A MEER COINCIDENCE THAT TWO PEOPLE NAMED CARL WAS AT THE SCENE? Continued in the next issue (yes ... that's a threat!) ========================================================================= Date: 21 Feb 1991 20:41:18 Subject: Stan the Toilet Man #6!!! From: Duke da Duck Not again!!! It's the World's 1ST 2-D superhero! STAN THE TOILET MAN ISSUE #6 (SPECIAL HALF-SIZED ISSUE!!!) By Gons B. Bygons "The Origin Issue" Part VI ================================================================================ Last issue, the author messed up a pun. So ... Warning to the reader: This is NOT Deja Vu ... Warning to the reader: This is NOT Deja Vu ... "I think it might be a platnum." the second examiner replied. "Are you SURE?" "No." he replied, "I'm Bill." "Ok Bill ... why is your co-examiner raising his hand." "Oh ... he's Sure." NOW that EVERYONE is TOTALLY confused, WE will CONTINUE the STORY. ================================================================================ FIRST off, IN plainville: "EXCUSE me." MAYOR good FURNOTHIN said, "THE lettering..." Ahem ... right ... I forgot to turn to Caps-Every-Other-Word-Lock off. To the north, Spikezilla stomped on tanks, swiping broadly, with his mighty eraser, to the right and to the left. To the south was King Cone dripping mass havoc over Plainville. Both forces, threatening to turn this world into a one dimensional world!!! "What should we do?!!" the mayor yelled,"His broad swipes are killing all the broads!" "Let them kill eachother." Indiana Joe replied. "The women?" Smart asked. "NO!" Joe yelled, "Let King Cone kill Spikezilla. King Cone will CREAM him." The mayor butted in. "Be wary, the actuary of this adversary needs necessary luminary query. This contributary is no ordinary-honorary-preliminary -very-scary-hairy-dairy fairy, he's an extraordinary-arbitrary-military-hari- kari." the mayor replied. "What vocabulary commentary for a functionary honorary!" Maxwell Smart added. "Yipes!" Indiana interrupted, "if a wipe-swipe-type-sideswipe-prototype snipes the windpipe-" "-a bash gash slash smash clash crash?" the mayor gasped. "could leave him dead." Max finished, "-er ... Ted." "Who's Ted?" Indiana asked. "Well ... it rhymes with dead..." Smart explained with a weak smile. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At this same time, somewhere in Central Connecticut State University, a man by the name of Indiana Joe is reading this very sentence of this very issue of Stan the Toilet Man: "I wonder if the author knows that there actually is an Indiana Joe in the REAL world." the REAL Indiana Joe replied. Well, apparently the author somehow knew. [Well ... actually, in the unprinted, unpublished, and unpresidented Stan The Toilet Man Issue 5.5, Indiana Joe sent a urgent message to this writer informing him of such. Also, in this issue, Lue Ferigno beat the stuffings out of the men wearing tights. Also, in this EXCITING issue, Stan bought the wrench from the Acme supply store and the police lab examiners looked into the microscope, dusted the record for Prince, and made something ELSE out of the piece of paper. Also, being bored of waiting for issue six to come out, Dr. Yes ordered pizza. Anyone HAVING this issue should send it to the writer at which point the person will be contacted by the police, given a free pair of handcuffs, and have free accomodations and free meals at your local police accomodation plant for ten years to life.] Suddenly, multiple messages of Superguy comics bombarded the system, crashing the system, leaving the REAL Indiana Joe in awe. "Awwww..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- While the REAL Indiana Joe was pondering on this delema, Dr. Yes was waiting for his pizza: "Damn ... he's 30 minutes late ... well ... atleast I'll get it free." The doorbell rang. "Coming!" Dr. Yes yelled, walking to the door. "Hi ... Dummino's pizza ... one large pizza with everything." "Yeah, you're late!" "Am not!" the delivery man replied. "You are too! It's been over 30 minutes!!!" "NO! It's only been 28 minutes!" "BULL! I WANT THAT DAMN PIZZA!" Yes screamed. "WELL, THEN PAY FOR THE DAMN THING, SCROOGE!!!" "OH YEAH!" Dr. Yes shouted as the delivery man on the nose. The delivery man's facemask slipped, revealing his true identity. "Geraldo Rivera?!!" Dr. Yes replied, shocked. "GOD DAMN IT!" Geraldo yelled, "Why aw-wayth the nothe!" WHY WAS GERALDO RIVERA DELIVERING DUMMINO PIZZA? WILL KING CONE CREAM SPIKEZILLA? WILL THERE BE OVERTIME RYMES NEXT TIME? ( to be continued in a gloriously violent, regular-sized issue!!!) ========================================================================= Date: 22 Feb 1991 12:01:55 Subject: Stan the Toilet Man #7!!! From: Duke da Duck Boyzee! It's the World's 1ST 2-D Superhero!!! STAN THE TOILET MAN By Popular Request [The Best Writer's Award: Issue #5.5] [The Longest Stick Figure Series Thus Far Award] [The Most Suspenceful Teaser in a Comic: Issue #3, Question #9] [The Best Display of Stanley Tools: Issue #5, Scene 4] [The Best Portrail of Geraldo Rivera as a Pizza Delivery Man: Issue #6] [The "Don't Mention It" Award] (Hey, I said not to mention it!) [The Worn Ward Cleaver Award] (Now, this is getting much too silly!) [The Official "This Is Getting Much Too Silly" Award] [The "One Too Many Awards" Awarded Award] Issue #7 ISSUE #7 "The Origin Issue" part VII (Or "Spikezilla Vs. King Cone" Round 1) Back at the police station, somewhere on Earth (that's the 3-D world for those who may be unsure at this point): The police chief leaned foward in his swivel chair, blowing smoke into the air. "So ... you're Mr. Sagan" "That's mister ... not 'Murr'." Carl Sagan answered. "You and Murr Marx ... -er ... the new guy we caught ... you haven't met before?" "Afraid not." Sagan bluntly replied. "WHY are you afraid?!!" the chief yelled, "Is it because both you and this Marx character have the same first name ... or do you want me to believe that this is a coincidence?!!" "You're joking, right?" Sagan replied. "NO, I'm dead serious! What is the chances of two guys to be at a scene, BOTH with the first name of Carl! Frank, I can buy that, but Carl ... NEVER ... there's some sort of conspiracy going on here ... and you better hope that we don't find out!" The chief pounded his butt in the ashtray and looked at Sagan with cold, fierce eyes. "Ah ... you're buttox is on the ashtray." Carl Sagan muttered. "You don't think I know that?!!" the chief yelled, getting up. "No." Carl answered. "Is that 'No, I don't think I know that' or is that 'No, I don't think you know that'?!" "I think that was 'No, I don't think you know that you know'." "Are you saying that I don't know what I know?!!" the chief sneered. "No, I'm saying that you don't know what you don't know." "I know what I don't know!" "No you don't." Sagan replied, "If you knew what you didn't know, then you'd know it." "Don't play mind games with me!" the police chief shouted. "Don't worry." Carl Sagan answered, sighing. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- By Popular Request (the writer ... of course) ... the reprint of the battle between Lue 'Boy am I Hulking' Ferigno and the men wearing tights. [Of course, the original storyline cannot be reprinted word for word from Issue 5.5. So, we will change the names, the occurances, the puns, and everything in between. Everything else will remain the same.] "We must weaken him!" Captain America replied, throwing his shield at full force at Lue Ferigno. "I'll head him off on the other side!" Captain Britian replied. "Where's Captain Mexico?" Captain Crunch replied. "He had to run." Britian explained, "Captain Caveman is replacing him." The four captains attacked Lue at once. "We're here ... we're really here!" a man replied. "Who are you?" Wonder Man asked. "We're the Hulk Busters." Egon explained, "These proton packs should help seperate Lue Ferigno from Bruce Dickinson." "Well, actually, we don't know if there actually is a connection between the disappearance of Iron Maiden's lead singer and Lue Ferigno." Moon Knight answered. "But that doesn't matter." the Black Knight replied, "We don't need a plot. We found out in some obscure issue of the Uncanned X-Men that you don't need a plot what-so-ever. Just plenty of violence, death, and distruction." "Well, night, attack him from above." Moon Knight said as he gabbed his really neat boomerang. "Who me?" the Black Knight questioned. "No." Moon Knight answered, "Night Knight." "Righto!" Night Knight noted, fastly flying for Ferigno. "Proton packs on!" Egon yelled to Spengler, "Vision ... get in position." "Wonder Man ... Wonder Man-" Vision cried out. But Wonder Man's mind was elsewhere, thinbging about the correspondance of the morning before the battle. /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ "I'm off to kick some bad guy butt, honey!" Wonder Man yelled, gabbing his Spandex tights and suitcase. "Don't forget!" Wonder Woman replied, "You've gotta bring Robin, the Boy Wonder to batting practice!" "He isn't still hanging around with the bat boy, is he?" "That's Bat Man!" "Who cares what his name is!" Wonder Man answered, "He should get a real job!" "Oh honey ..." Wonder Woman shouted as Wonder Man went out the door, "Don't soil your Wonder Wear." \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ "WONDER MAN!" Vision screamed at the top of his lungs, "GET WITH IT!" "Sorry!" Wonder Man replied. "Bdd bdd bbbu bbbd." Cousin It mumbled to Wonder Man. "Mubbd mubbd ubbbd." Captain Caveman answered. "What did he say?" Wonder Man asked. "He say 'Bdd bdd bbbu bbbd'." "Whatever." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Elsewhere, Stan is wandering the road, marveling at his new Stanley wrench: "Hey," a man yelled, as he pulled over his car, "Wanna lift!" Stan looked over to the driver, "I'm just going down to the center of town." "That's Elm Street ... I'm headed there too." the man replied with a grin, "Hop in!" "Thanx." Stan replied, "By the way, I'm Stan." "I'm Fred." the man replied, holding out his hand. "You should really get those burns looked at ... they look serious." Stan replied as the car pulled into traffic. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at the castle, Dr. Yes is standng over Geraldo Rivera: "You're bleeding on my moldy, cold, concrete floor!" Dr. Yes yelled. "Well, I woulthn't be bleein if you dit hit me in th noth." Geraldo muttered. "I aimed at your chin." Dr. Yes replied, "Apparently, it was a SCUD hit. What are you doing delivering pizza?!!" "I'm doing a story on people who hit delivery men for being real jerks." "You reporters are all the same slimy leeches!" Dr. Yes yelled, "You all rely on people's misfortunes. You lazy good for nothing! Try being on the other side for a change ... trying to TAKE over the world is much harder than having BS handed to you on a silver platter!" Geraldo looked at Dr. Yes and spat at him. "Actually." Dr. Yes muttered, "I could have some use for you." Dr. yes hit him again in the nose, knocking Geraldo out cold. "Damn ... I was aiming for your stomach that time!" Dr. Yes yelled, "What, do you have a magnet up your nose or something?!!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, back in Plainville (the 2-D world) Spikezilla was fighting King Cone: "Introducing ... the fight of the century!" (DING DING) "In this corner ... the BIG man with the eraser ... the loser without a clue ... Spikezilla!" (BOO BOO BOO HISS HISS!) "And in this corner, layered in over 32 flavors ... the big drip ... KING CONE!" (CHEER CHEER ERA DOWNY BLEACH!) "You both know the rules ... no biting below the top of the cone ... when I ask you to break, I want a clean break ... no Michael Jackson moves allowed, you hear me?!!" (MUMBLE MUMBLE) "Alright ... go to your corners and when the bell rings, come out fighting!" "Well ... looks like we got a good fight coming here ... Sugar Cone Lennard creamed 15 people so far ... and this new guy ... Mohamad Spike Lee ... I don't know if he's got what it takes to melt Sugar Cone." "Well, we'll find out when the bell rings..." (DING) "Sugar Cone comes out quick with a left and a right." "But wait ... Spike Lee's got something up his sleave ... what's this?!! a second man has stepped in the ring and is holding Sugar Cone back." "It looks like Spike Lee's got a second helping." "Wait ... Sugar Cone breaks the hold!" "It's only a crack, but Sugar Cone has fought worse and hasn't let them lick him!" "Sugar Cone is hot! His moves are melting into a blur!" "WOAH! A solid right from Spike Lee! He's down ... Rocky Road Balboa is talking to him now-" "I wonder what thoughts are flavoring Spike Lee's mind now." "We might have to Choco another loss for Sugar Cone ... by his nose he's got an AWEFUL banana split ... slightly bruised there." "Well ... Sugar Cone is saved by the bell, thus ending round one!" WILL SPIKEZILLA (MOHAMAD SPIKE LEE) LICK KING CONE (SUGAR CONE LENNARD)? WILL STAN GET TO ELM STREET IN ONE PIECE? WILL THE MEN IN TIGHTS BE ABLE TO SEPERATE BRUCE DICKINSON FROM LUE? WILL GERALDO RIVERA BE ANOTHER PAWN IN THE HANDS OF DR. YES? WILL THE CONNECTION BETWEEN CARL SAGAN AND CARL MARX BE FOUND? WILL A PLOT ACCIDENTALLY OCCUR IN THE NEXT COMIC? WILL THIS COMIC EVER END? (to be discontinued ... ) ========================================================================= Date: 25 Feb 1991 14:44:13 Subject: Stan the Toilet Man #8!!! From: Duke da Duck Hey Bee Sea Dee! It's the World's 1ST 2-D Stickfigure Superhero! STAN THE TOILET MAN By Nowe Ann Save ISSUE 8 "The Origin Issue" part VII (Or "Spikezilla Vs. King Cone" Round 2) (Or "Space For Rent - Dirt Cheap") We interrupt this comic for an important message ... get the channel that pays you back ... the Discovery Channel. [ A senceless commerical blares through the Vax, melting away at the layers of brain tissue, filtering into the subconscious...] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A mysterious Winebego heads its way to Elm Street: "Boy ... I'm feeling suddenly tired." Stan muttered. "Tired, eh?" Freddy Crugar replied with a smirk, "It must be the Carbon Monoxide filtering into the air conditioning. I thought I had that fixed." "=Yawn= ... whatever ... just wake me when I get there." "I will." Fred replied with a chuckle. . . . sweet dreams you can't resist . . . N E S T L E S . . . welcoming death's kiss ... N E S T L E S . . . dreamy white ... seeming nice . . . Fred brings the very best . . . in eternal rest . . . sweet dreams . . . you ca-a-an't resist . . . -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At Plainville (the 2-D world) Spikezilla (A.K.A. Mohomad Spike Lee) and King Cone (A.K.A. Sugar Cone Lennard) are duking it out: (DING!) "And the round two bell rings!" "Both fighters coming out strong ... boy, I can smell them from here." "They should have used Right Guard, eh?" "Actually, they did, but they couldn't find any Left Guard." "Well ... Sugar Cone is still holding it together." "Yup, he's still clinging on ... and you ain't got a thing, if you ain't got that cling ... Duwrap Duwrap Duwrap." "Woa ... what a right from Spike Lee ... well, he's got the right one, babe!" "AHUH!" "and a kick from Sugar Cone ... whoa! He's got Leggs and he knows how to use them!" "Look ... Sugar Cone is going out of his way for an RC Cola!" "This could mean trouble.." "I doubt it, Spike Lee is a good fighter." "How do you know?" "I follow my nose ... it always knows ... Spike Lee is winding up ... and slamms him a Bigg Mixx of power." "He's falling like Dominos." "OH ... OH ... the big KO! Wow ... within 30 minutes or less!" "Yup ... it seems Spike Lee had more Noid than Sugar Cone." "Look ... Spike Lee is exhausted, I see sparkels over his head ... Crest sparkles ... and he's down too!" "Well ... Midas is still the champion." "I guess it goes to show you ... nobody beats Midas. Nobody!" "Well ... that's it for now ... Cherrios!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Elsewhere, on a mound of rubble: "Arrgh!!!!!" Lue screamed as Peter Veckman blasted him with the proton packs, "It hurts!!!!" "Get off of me!" Rubble screamed, "You're even bigger than Fred!" "BOY!" screamed Winston, "This Bounty is a tougher picker upper!" "We must weaken the fabric threads that connect Lue Ferigno and Bruce Dickinson together!" Egon screamed, "Don't forget the fabric softener!" "Don't worry!" Ray replied, "We've got Solo!" DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM "What's that?!!" yelled the Black Knight, "Doctor Doom?!!" "WORSE!" Wonder Man screaked, "It's the Duracell Bunny!!!!" "NO!" Moon Knight, "We must kill it before it's too late!" No matter what onslaught, offslaught, sideslaught-into-the-corner-pocket they tried, they were unsuccessful. "We can't stop it!" yelled Captain America, "It just keeps on going and going and going..." "RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!" the men in tights screamed, scattering everywhere. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at Plainville, Mayor Good Furnothing is having trouble: (RING RING) "Hello?!!" the mayor asked, "There is trouble with the plumming?!! Well, then, pour some Mr. Plummer into the Draino ... what? ... you already did that? ... well, call Roto Rooter, sewer service and away goes trouble, down the drain ... they're booked for six months?!! Geesh ... times like these were made for Taster's Choice! WHAT?!! You switched the coffee we use with Folger's crystals?!! I can't take the caffine! You know what happened when I tried reviving with Vivarin last week!!!" There was loud banging at the mayor's door. "What is it?!!" the mayor yelled. "We're gonna put you in a smiling body bag!" the voice yelled. "Wait!" the mayor gasped, "I recognize that voice! It's David Lynch!" "My brother, the ex-guitarist from Dokken is here, too!" David yelled. "OH NO!" the mayor screamed, "It's a Lynch mob!!!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, at the local Sam's Resteraunt, some police men were relaxing after the 50 car/35 tank/76 jeep/95 hell angel/1 moped pile-up: "Ahhh ..." a police man replied, relaxing in a Laz-E-Boy chair. "May I take your order?" a stunningly stunning waitress asked. "Is that your car parked out in back?" the first cop asked, dazzled in her dazzling dazzleness. "Which car?" she asked. "The street car named Desire." "Why yes!" she smiled warmly. "Nice set of head lights." the second muttered with a smirk. "WHAT?!" she asked, quite shocked. "The car." the second cop clearified. "Oh ... thanx." she replied with a smile. "I'll have something that tastes like a cookie." the first said. "Okay ... a Honey Maid Graham." she said as she wrote. "I'll have something that tastes like a graham cracker." the second cop replied. "Ah ... a Honey Maid Graham." "I'll have something that's crisp like a cookie with a touch of honey." the third said with a smile. "Right ... a Honey Maid Graham." "I want something that tastes like a steak." the fourth answered. "A steak." she mumbled. "And the a Honey Maid Graham." he continued. The other cops smiled in agreement. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- While that pointless scene was going on, another worthless scene was also occuring: Somewhere in the slums of the cold, harsh reality of the streets, somewhere in a deserted, dark, and gloomy alleyway, a sewer cap slowly slides onto the road. "I'm here atlast." the voice hissed,"When they look at me, they're gonna run for the border!" A grotesquely thin mutan crawled out of the hole, letting his fingers do the walking. "Ahh ... no one is safe from ... THE BOLEMIC BOY!!!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At Dr. Yes' castle, Geraldo Rivera, ex-delivery person and ex-reporter, stirrs: "Still alive, are you?!!" Dr. Yes replies with a slight grin,"So ... you take a licking and keep on ticking." Geraldo looked at Dr. Yes, still slightly weak from the second bash in the nose, ".. ummmamam ... iyill ... pfttt ... wesist..." "Fine!" Dr. Yes groveled, "Have it your way! I just LOVE resistance!" "Wattle you ... pftth ... dowiff me?" Geraldo muttered. "You'll be the brain of my latest creation!" Dr. Yes laughed,"Gee ... I bring good things to life!" "No ... GTE." Geraldo mumbled. "Shut up, slime!" Dr. Yes yelled, "Or I'll get your daughter ... Butterfinger Rivera!" "You betta not lay a finga on my Buttafinga!" Geraldo cursed. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At Set 8, the ex-stage prop man, Edward Finch, is hoisting up a huge car up into the rafters: "UNGGGGHH!" he grunted,"and that should do it." Edward Finch looked at the script and laughed. "This should do it!" he replied, "Boy, I love what you'll do to him, Toyota!" WILL EDWARD FINCH SUCCEED IN KILLING STAN THE TOILET MAN? WILL DR. YES LAY A FINGER ON GERALDO'S BUTTERFINGER? WILL DR. YES EXTRACT GERALDO'S BRAIN? DOES GERALDO HAVE A BRAIN? A HEART? SOME NERVE? ARE WE OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD, THE WONDERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT WILL THE BOLEMIC BOY DO? IS LUE FERIGNO STILL ALIVE? IS BARNEY RUBBLE STILL ALIVE? WHAT WILL PLAINVILLE DO WITH SPIKEZILLA? KING CONE? WHAT WILL THE LYNCH MOB DO TO THE MAYOR? WILL STAN THE TOILET MAN SURVIVE FREDDY CRUGAR'S ONSLAUGHT? WHERE IS THE REAL INDIANA JOE IN ALL THIS MESS??? WILL ANYONE KILL THIS AUTHOR BEFORE THE NEXT ISSUE IS OUT???!! Find out in the next plotless, never-ending, chock full of nuts issue appearing ONLY in Superguy comics!!! (Bummer huh???) ========================================================================= Date: 26 Feb 1991 22:55:08 Subject: Stan the Toilet Man #9!!!! From: Duke da Duck No ... it can't be! It's the world's 1st 2-D superhero! STAN THE TOILET MAN By Mai Self ISSUE #9 "The Origin Issue" part IX (Or "The Lynch Mob" part II) (Or "I Bolemic when I see it!") ================================================================================ STOP THE VAXES!!! (WOAH BOY! WOAH!) The author announces the OFFICIAL Stan The Toilet Man "Find a Plot" Contest!!! The General Rules: Walk up to your nearest recruiting fascility and sign up. The Vague Rules: (Or "Rules, if you are not a General") Send a written consent form to the author stating that you are willing to participate in this really silly contest. This consent must include your next of kin and mention somewhere that if any kind of volent-like thing happens to you or your Vax account, the writer of "Stan the Toilet Man" has nothing to do with it and cannot be blamed for it. The first person to spot a plot in this comic and yell (Ie: say really really really loud in a booming, near-deafening voice), in a vax room filled with users, "I FOUND A PLOT!" fifty times, gets a free copy of the next "Stan the Toilet Man" issue, autographed by the author in undetectable, invisible teletype ink!!! (WOW! ZOWIE! ZOINKS! ZONKER! GOLLY-GEE WILLIKERS, BATMAN!) The 50 runners-up gets 500 MORE copies of "The Legion of Stuperheros" Issue #5, sure to clog up anyone's Vax account! REMINDER: We are NOT held responsible for ANYTHING that happens to ANYONE (or HIS/HER) Vax account while PARTAKING (or taking par) in THIS contest (SEE consent form)!!!!!!!!!! The Writer Rules: That he does. ================================================================================ ... and now ... the plotlessness continues ... On Rubble, Lue lies, moaning: "I like the New Kids ... I want to eat spinache ... Milli Vanilli are good singers ..." Okay, so maybe Lue isn't good at lying. "Get offa me, you big dope!" Rubble yelled from below. "Oh ... sorry." Lue muttered, getting up. "Damn." Barney replied, gasping for air, "And I thought Rosanne Barr was big! hehe." *SLAP!* "Oh ... I'm sorry." mumbled Lue, "I slap people who tell bad Rosanne Barr jokes ... it's instinctive. You alright?" Barney slowly oozed off the wall, "ungh ... well, atleast I'll be ready for my wife when I get home late ... hehehe." "You're wife beats you?" Lue asked. "All the time." Barney said with a smirk, "At chess ... checkers ... tic tac toe ..." Lue walked away, resisting a sudden urge to hit Barney again. "The parts!" Lue yelled, suddenly remembering, "Dr. Yes will be mad at me for being so late with them." Lue checked his watch. "A quarter to midnight. I better hurry or my Lambourghini will turn into a Saab." Lue Ferigno leaped another almost impossible twenty miles, landing at the Acme Warehouse. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At the police lab, Sure and Mr. Bill are looking at the stickfigure tool box, waiting for the chief to arrive: "Oh no ... Mister Bill!" a high screach yelled as a knife from the middle of nowhere sliced Mr. Bill in half. "Pull yourself together, already!" Sure replied, "Where's the Chief?!!" "Ahah ... me Chief Big Feather." an indian chief replied. "You're here." Sure said with a smile. "Are you sure this is the kind of chief we want?" Mr. Bill asked. "Hi ... you're looking for the chief?" Robert Parish asked as he walked in the lab. "Wait a minute..." Sure muttered. "I am zee real chief." a man in a trenchcoat replied, "I am chief eenspector klewsuo, at jour soivice." "I'm getting really confused now." Mr. Bill said, scratching his play dough head. "I got the chief!" a boy yelled. "What?!!" Sure asked. "Here." the boy said, holding out a small silk cloth, "A Hankerchief." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- While that totally confusing, pointless scene was occuring, in Plainville (the 2-D world), the mayor is in serious trouble: (BAM! BAM! BAM!) [George and David Lynch are slamming on the mayor's bolted door.] "You're not gonna get me!" the chief screamed. "George." David Lynch replied, "Play your instrumental song on your Gibson guitar!" The Dokken tune "Mr. Scary" blasted at the door, making it crumble. "NO!!!" the mayor yelled, going out the door and onto the ledge. The door gave. "What did it give?" the mayor asked the writer. *SLAP!* The door crashed open. "Where's the mayor." George Lynch asked. "Maybe he jumped." Merryl Lynch replied, tucking his tie into his suit. "Naww ... he ain't suicidal." David said, looking out the window, "QUICK! He's sliding down the drainpipe!" "It must be a big drainpipe for him to fit in it!" George noted. *SLAP!* Outside, somehow Goode's hands didn't slip as he made his way to the concrete sidewalk. "Gotta hide!" the mayor thought quickly, running into a nearby bar. The mayor gasped as he saw a woman on stage, singing "Blue Velvet". He turned around to see the Lynch Mob on his heels (well ... not ACTUALLY on his heels, his heels aren't THAT big). Goode Furnothin saw a familiar face at the bar. "Help me!" he replied, grabbing the man's shoulder, "You're a cop from the neighboring town of Twin Peaks." "Not in this scene." the man replied, mysteriously looking at the mayor's head. "What?!-" "You've got both ears, don't you?" the man asked, with a "out-of-touch- with-reality" stare. The mayor pushed the man aside and rushed on stage and behind the curtain, not prepaired for the sight that was now before him. "Shall we follow him." Merryl Lynch asked. "No." David responded with a sadistic grin, "He's in the hands of the Iron Curtain now!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In Dreamworld (not to be mistaken with the 2-D and 3-D worlds), Stan finds himself in a boiler room: "What the-?!" Stan mutters, quite shocked. Stan looked around. "This must be a dream sequence ... that's what all the fuzzy lines at the edge of my sight of vision must mean..." "This is more than a dream." a voice replies. Stan turned around to see a a strong black man wearing ripped jeans and a white T-Shirt. "Who are you?" Stan asked. "I'm Mohamad Ali." the man replied, "and if you're here, then you're a pawn of a madman known as Freddy Crugar!" "Freddy? You mean the guy that picked me up in the winebego." "Winebego?!" Ali asked, "You should know better not to EVER hitch a ride with a man who drives a Winebego!" "I'm not from here. I didn't know." "Let me tell you something." Ali continued, staring Stan straight in the eye, "Freddy Crugar is one bad dude! He fights like a butterfly and stings in your dreams, but it'll take quite a sucker to take on Ali!" Suddenly a rumble echoed through the boiler as tons of pipes crashed into Ali from overhead. "Ah ... a knock out!" Freedy replied with a grin. "You!" Stan said, shocked and angry, clenching his wrench. "You think your wrench can help you?!!" Freddy mocked, "I am king of this domain!" Crugar flicked out his sharp claws and scraped his head muttering something about dandriff and dried scalp. "You've hurt Ali already." Stan said as he stepped around the pipes, standing on a spot marked with an 'X',"I'll ask you once to let me go." "Let you go?!!" Freddy laughed, "You want me to cut it out?!!" Freddy's claws sliced through a nearby rope that was holding a Toyota car that just HAPPENED to be hanging right over Stan's head. [I wonder how THAT got THERE!] "You asked for it ... you got it!" Freddy yelled, as the Toyota came crashing down on Stan's head and crumbled into a thousand pieces (the car, not Stan's head) ... the car wasn't built Ford tough. WILL THE NEXT ISSUE WILL BE LOADED IN COMMERCIALISM??? IS STAN DEAD??? WHAT LIES BEHIND THE IRON CURTAIN? WHAT LIES LIE BEHIND THE IRON CURTAIN? WHAT LIES LIE LYING BEHIND THE IRON CURTAIN? WHAT LYING LIE LIE LYING ... OH, NEVER MIND. WILL SURE AND MR. BILL FIND THE REAL CHIEF? OR POSSIBLY IS THERE NOTHING LIKE THE REAL THING, BABE? WILL LUE FINISH HIS SHOPPING IN TIME FOR THE CHRISTMAN RUSH????? WILL FREDDY DECIDE TO BECOME SANTA CLAWS??? WILL SOMEBODY DECIDE TO MAKE SUSHI OUT OF THIS AUTHOR???????????? ENOUGH QUESTION MARKS ALREADY???????????????????????????????????? (to be continued in a double-sized, possibly concluding (?) issue) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ [How's THAT for a teaser!!! Remember, the author HAS killed before!!] ========================================================================= Date: 04 Mar 1991 19:32:37 Subject: Stan The Toilet Man #10!!! From: Duke da Duck ARRRGGGH!!!! It's the world's 1st 2-D Superhero! STAN THE TOILET MAN By Senn Tenny Ull ISSUE #10 Part I SPECIAL TRIPPLE SIZED DOUBLE SIZED EDITION (For that same low price! What a bargain!) "The Origin Issue" part X part I (Or "The end?!!") [Writer's Note: The OFFICIAL "Find The Plot" contest is still in effect ...] Somewhere, in the deep dark dark of the deep-dark of the iron curtain, mayor Goode Furnothin wanders aimlessly: "What is this place?" the mayor asked. "Vait!" a voice screamed, "Vat are you duewing heir!" "SCHULTZ!" "Yes, my comindant!" "What is this man doing outside the barracks of Stalock 13?!!" "I don new!" Schultz replied, "But I vill find out!" "You better find out!" Commander Klink said sternly, "Or I won't send out those Peanuts comics, that you make, to the Berlin Newspaper!" "Aye sir!" "Stalock 13?!!" Goode asked. "Hogan! Curnull Hogan!" "What is it, Schultz?!" Hogan asked. "Iz this one ov your restling friends?" "I don't think so." Hulk Hogan muttered, "Maybe he's a German secret agent." "Zue really think so?" Schultz asked, curious. "Ask him..." "Excuse me ... are zue un German sekret agent?" "No ... I'm mayor Goode Furnothing!" "Hogan, he says he's not un agent!" Schultz replied, sternly. "Well." Hulk Hogan muttered, "That aces it then. He must be a German secret agent, otherwize he'd say he was a German secret agent, in which case, he'd be lying." "Ah ... clever." Schultz grinned, "My comidant! I ave wit me a German secret agent!" "Hogan ... don't say nutheen about this." Schult whispered to Hogan. "My lips are sealed." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At the police lab, the real chief arrives: "What the heck is going on here?!!" the chief of police bellowed. "Und who iz zis injit?!" the chief inspector asked. "*I* am the chief!" the chief of police shouted. "No, *I* am the chief!" Chief Big Feather yelled. "No, I think that *I* am the chief he wants." Parrish interrupted. "No, he wants a hankerchief!" the boy corrected. "NO!" Sure yelled, "We want the chief!" "*I* am the chief!" the chiefs yelled. "Und I am Napolyun!" a short man wearing funny clothes and a big blue hat replied, putting his hand in his pants, "CONqerer of zee wuld!" "Get these nuts out of my face!" the chief of police replied. Bill grabbed the jar of Planter's Honey Roasted Nuts, "And what about these guys?" "Get them out of my face, too!" "Righto!" Sure replied, as two cops entered the room to escort the nuts out of the room. "So." the chief (of police) started, "What is this thing?" "Well ... we think that it is a teleporter of some sort to teleport things into another dimension." Mr. Bill said. "Okay." the chief muttered, looking at it. "You see ... we dropped a ball in there and now it's gone." Bill continued. "What? Can you be a bit more descriptive?" "Okay." Mr. Bill started again, "We had this red and blue spiral super bounce-" "The incident! Not the ball!!!" "OH!" Bill replied, seeing the light. "Well ... stop staring at the lightbulb and explain!!!" "Uhmm ... We dropped the ball in there and it disappeared ... also, one of the lab helpers fell into the box and was never to be seen again." "Alright, enough with that!" a man replied from behind. "Who are you?" the chief asked, turning around to see a man in a long trenchcoat. "I am secret agent Orange - DAMN ... I did it again ... you're not supposed to know that ... forget that I said it. Just give me the ... thingie." "Thingie?!" Bill asked. "Thingie?!" Sure repeated. "You know ... THINGIE!" Agent Orange specified, pointing to the thingie. "Oh ... I'm not sure that I can give it to you." the chief said. "NOT SURE?!!" "Well, anyone can come in here and say that they are a secret agent. Do you have any credentials?" "Of course not, I'm a secret agent! Secret agents don't HAVE credentials!" "I guess then I can't hand it over." the chief replied. "Will a Diner's Card do?" "Afraid not." "Drat." Agent Orange grumbled. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At Acme's Warehouse, Lue Ferigno finally acquired the things (not to be confused with "the Thingie" from the previous scene) essential to building Dr. Yes's creation: "Alright ... that'll be $19.95." the cashier replied. "Here." Lue replied, handling him a twenty dollar bill. "I'm sorry ... we can't take that." "Excuse me?" "We don't take cash." "What?!" Lue asked, confused, "You're a cashier, and you don't take cash?!!" "Afraid not." the cashier replied, "We have just succeeded from the Union." "Succeeded from the Union?!! The United States?!" "No, the cashier's union." "SO!" Lue yelled, impatiently, "Take my cash!" "Well, actually, we didn't quite succeed in succeeding..." "Then take the damn money!" "We only take confederate bills for the moment." the cashier replied. "Well, you haven't succeeded in succeeding, so take my money!!!" "I can't ... we might succeed in succeeding!" "Well ... when will you know?" Lue asked. "Next Thursday." "I can't wait until next Thursday! My Lambourghini will turn into a Saab in about five minutes!" "Terribly sorry about that, chap." the cashier replied. "How about if I write a check?" Lue asked. "We can't take checks, we might succeed in succeeding." "How about if I post date it for next Thursday?" The cashier thought for a second, "Alright." "Great!" Lue replied, taking out his checkbook from his pants pocket, "Got a pen?" "Sorry." the cashier replied, "We're boycotting pens, but we DO have these neat imported Mexican watches ... takes a licking and then dies on ya." "How about a pencil?" "Nope ... they're sort of like pens." the cashier replied. "How about a bananna?" "A bananna?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At Dr. Yes' castle, Dr. Yes is operating on Geraldo Rivera: "I don't believe it ... not one speck of brains in this big head of yours ... how the heck do you function?!!" Dr. Yes grabs his portable microscope and looks further. "Nothing ... nothing ... wait wait wait ... no, it's a speck of dust. God damn it! You disappoint me, Geraldo." Dr. Yes mumbled, "Maybe I SHOULD HAVE laid a finger on your Butterfinger ... she probably gots more brains than you do!" Dr. yes grabbed his Suped-Up Electron Microscope ZX-Cronium 2000. "Geesh ... not even a cell ... not even protoplasm!" Dr. yes replied, quite shocked, "Just to think all these years I thought Darwin was right ... I thought that the Platapus was a fluke of mutation, but now ..." "ARRRGH!! How does he store his memory!!!" Yes yelled, frustrated. "WAIT! Geraldo is a talk show host ... which are like game show hosts! No WONDER I never found a brain!!!" Dr. Yes realized, "I'm looking in the wrong end!!!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Elsewhere, in the Mohabi Desert, nothing is happening. But in the Bermuda Triangle, nothing is also happening: Is this a meer coincidence?!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- While the readers are pondering on that concept, Bolemic Boy is wandering the dark streets of New York: "What's this?!!" Bolemic Boy askes, bending over to pick up a piece of paper, "Richard Simmon's weight loss program!!! Wow!" Drooling, the Bolemic Boy read the information on the pamphlet. Nearby, a cop car is patrolling the area. "Looks like we've got another whino on our hands ... flash on the lights." the first cop muttered from within the car. "Euch ... he doesn't look alright." The Bolemic Boy looked at the car, and spied a small car of Slim Fast in the back seat ... glowing ... wanting ... "YUM!" Bolemic screamed, charging the cops. "DAMN! It's the living dead!" the second cop yelled, putting the car in reverse and burning rubber. "WEIGHT! WEIGHT! I must lose weight!!!" Bolemic frothed, as he jumped on the hood. The cops looked away from the rear view mirror one second too long, The car crashed into an 'Old Maid' cookies delivery truck, killing both cops. (Continued ...) ========================================================================= Date: 04 Mar 1991 19:39:47 Subject: Stan The Toilet Man #10 (cont)!!! From: Duke da Duck ARRRGGGH!!!! It's the world's 1st 2-D Superhero! STAN THE TOILET MAN By Senn Tenny Ull ISSUE #10 Part II SPECIAL TRIPPLE SIZED DOUBLE SIZED EDITION (For that same low price! What a bargain!) "The Origin Issue" part XI (Or is it "The Origin Issue" part X part I part II?) (Or is it "The end?!!") [Writer's Note: The OFFICIAL "Find The Plot" contest is still in effect ... you can't win if you don't play ... I know that it sounds obvious but...] At the police station, things have gone bad to worse: "Look at this headline!!!" the chief yelled, "'Two Police Men Killed By Running Into Old Maid'!! This doesn't make us look good!!!" Sure and Mr. Bill looked at him, silent. "And now this!" he continued, pointing at the stick figure tool box. "Get someone on the case about the cop killings!" the chief ordered, "And bring Carl Sagan out of the brink. THIS time, he might happen to know some answers!!!" Sure left the room and soon returned with Carl Sagan. "Ok, Sagan." the chief replied, quite angry, "For the last time, what is the connection with you, Carl Marx, and this box!!" [A sudden, dramatic zoom-in on the box.] "I know nothing about the box, I just thought it was a meteor or something." Carl Sagan replied. "Look ... we've played your game long enough!" the chief yelled, standing infront of Sagan, neither of them giving an inch, "Maybe THIS will jog your memory!" The chief took out a pair of worn Reeboks. "You must be joking!" Sagan laughed. "Am I?!!! They're PUMPS!!" the chief sneered. "Wait ... this is cruel and unusual interrigation!" Carl muttered. "They've been worn by Flatphoot! Shall I pump?!!" "NO NO NO! I'll talk ... I'll talk!" "Much better..." the chief replied. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back in Plainville (the 2-D world ... how many times do we have to keep saying this???), Indiana Joe and Maxwell Smart return to the mayor's office, to find it busted into: "My God!" Indiana replied, surveying the damage. "Geesh!" Max said, quite shocked, "Is it campaigning month already?" "This looks like the the work of a lynch mob." Indiana noted. "How do you know that?" "THIS." Indiana dramatically said, holding up a guitar pick. "George Lynch's guitar pick!" "And if my guess is correct, he was not alone." "So Merryl and David Lynch were involved, too?" "You bet your top dollar!" Indiana replied. "Strange. First a BIG person is sighted, then another one along with a BIG red and blue swirl circle thing and now this." "Yes." Indiana agreed, "It sounds like just another bad comic." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Elsewhere in Plainville, Spike is waking up from the fight with King Cone: "Ungggh ... huh?" Spike tried moving, but tiny threads were holding him down. "Don't tell me that the author is ripping off an idea from Gulliver's Travels!" The author is wripping off an idea from Gulliver's Travels. "I TOLD you not to tell me that!" Spike said, still slightly buzzed. "You SAID there was another one of us guys in this world?" Oh shut up! That won't happen until later! Now just stay there until I finish the other stuff. "Like I really have a choice." Look, at least the firm ground is good for your back. "Always look to the BRIGHT side of things." Spike mocked, "I bet you're a morning person, too!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- =Ahem= ... Ah, where was I? Oh yeah ... Lue ferigno finished signing the check with the bananna, and then made an impossible 30 mile jump. By now, Lue is used to the impossible: "My car!" Lue yelled, "It's not a Saab!" Lue looked at his watch ... it was five after twelve. "Of course! Daylight saving time!" [Yeah yeah, I know it sounds lame, but this whole Lambourghini turning into Saab ordeal was silly to start with. Just think of it ... at first, this scene was inserted last minute into the comic, and it lasted over seven issues. So, it goes to show that a little bs DOES go a long way!!!] Lue hopped into his car and put the petal to the metal. "The petal is metal." Lue commented. Well, then ... Lue floored it. "Floored what?!" Lue stepped on it ... ah ... burned rubber! "I don't got a lighter!" JUST DRIVE! DRIVE!!!! "Geesh!" Lue mumbled, driving down the straight-a-way at 120 MPH, "Ask a simple question and the author gets pissed at you." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at Plainville, Indiana Joe and Maxwell Smart are still standing at the same spot we left them at: "You changed to the next scene too early!" Indiana yelled. I did not. "Did too!" [checking script] ... ahem ... "Ah ... let's see." indiana muttered, trying to get back into the roll of the scene, "It sounds like just another bad comic." "That it does." Max nodded. ... Well?!! "That's it." Indiana answered, flatly. You mean I returned here just to hear one more stupid line? "You had to ... union rules." AAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGH!!!!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at Stolock 13, mayor Goode Fornothing is getting the third degree: "Answer me ... are you an agent?!!" Klink yelled. "I am not an agent ... heck, I don't know anything about movie stars, never mind about being their agents!!" "That's not the answer we're looking for!" Kling replied, "Shall I turn up the heat to FOUR degrees above the comfortable room temperature range?!!" "Look! I get one phone call!!" the mayor cursed. "Does he?" Klink asked. "I'm afred so." Schultz answered. "Couldn't you have LIED?!!" "Sorry." "Who do you want to call?" Klink asked. "Dominos pizza." "Pizza?" Schultz replied, confused. "Wait one moment." Klink said, as he turned to whisper to Schulzt, "Don't you get it?" "Vhat? He's hungrey?" Schultz replied. "No." Klink explained, "He doesn't want pizza." "He doezn't?" Schultz asked, baffled, "But he vants to call Dominos." "No he doesn't." "He doezn't." "Schultz." Klink explained, "He said 'Dominos Pizza'." "I know vhat he zaid, but vhat's your point?" "There are no Dominos pizza in the area ... it's a secret code." "Ahhh..." Schultz replied, still not quite understanding. "Listen." Klink explained, "He doesn't want to SAY that he's a secret agent, but secret agents must find a way to identify themselves to certain people." "So, 'Dominos Pizza' iz a code word meanin they're a sekret agent?" "Exactly!" Klink answered, "But don't let him know we know." "Why not?" "Cos if he knows we know, he might kill himself to save whatever mission he's on. Infact, make sure he doesn't know that we know that he might know we know, you know?" "I got it ... I think." Schultz muttered. "Well, stop whispering. He might figure out that we figured out what we were trying to figure out." "How do you figure?" "Never mind, Schultz." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back in the boiler room, Stan is lying motionless on destroyed parts of what used to be a Toyota car: "Hmmm ..." Freddy muttered, picking his teeth with one of his claws, "I almost broke a sweat, too." "FREDDY!" Crugar turned around to see Stan standing, with a gleam in his eye, beside the rubble, holding his wrench tightly. "Let's dance!" WILL FREDDY SUCCEED IN KILLING STAN? WILL THE CASHIER SUCCEED IN SUCCEEDING FROM THE UNION? IS THE MAYOR REALLY A SECRET AGENT? WILL THIS COMIC EVER END? (to be continued ... like there was an issue that wasn't like that!!!) ========================================================================= Date: 04 Mar 1991 19:44:38 Subject: Stan The Toilet Man #10 (finale) finally!!! From: Duke da Duck ARRRGGGH!!!! It's the world's 1st 2-D Superhero! STAN THE TOILET MAN By Senn Tenny Ull ISSUE #10 Part III SPECIAL TRIPPLE-SIZED DOUBLE SIZED EDITION (For that same low price! What a piece of dung!) "The Origin Issue" part XII (Or "The buttox?!!") [Writer's Note: The OFFICIAL "Find The Plot" contest is still in effect ... and there's nothing that you can do about it!!!] Stan stood infront of Freddy Crugar, clutching his wrench, with a gleam in his eye: "FREDDY!" Stan yelled, "Let's dance!" Freddy extended his claws outward. "So ... there is more fight in you after all!" Freddy kicked a nearby hubcap aside. "Let's dance to the Switchblade Serenade!" Freddy grinned. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, in the Mohabi Desert and in the Bermuda Triangle, nothing still wasn't happening ... or is it 'nothing still was happening', or is it 'still was there nothing happening' or maybe 'no happenings here'??? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Anyways, at Dr. Yes' castle, Dr. Yes finally finished operating on Geraldo Rivera's 'other end', just as Lue Ferigno arrived at the castle door: "It's about time!" Dr. Yes replied, grabbing the bag. "You wouldn't believe what happened to me the past few hours." Lue answered, quite exhausted. "Damn it!" Dr. Yes yelled, "I told you to get Wolfbane, not this generic stuff!" "Parts is parts, isn't it?" "For your sake, they better work!" "You never did clearify what you're going to do with the parts or Geraldo Rivera, for that matter." Lue commented. "You're right ... for once." Dr. Yes agreed, "Besides, it has been quite some time since I mentioned anything about my plan." "So, what is it?" Lue asked, curious. "I am going to manufacture and distribute Arnold Schwartzenegger dolls." "Is that all?!!" "Lue, these are not ordinary dolls." Dr. Yes clearified, "Sure, right now they might look and act fine, but in twenty four hours, they'll have total recall!!!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PLOT -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back in Plainville (the ... well ... you know by now), Indiana Joe and Maxwell Smart are conversing about what has traspired in their tiny town: "There must be some sort of connection." Indiana replied, "First Stan disappears, and these big people appear." Maxwell Smart remained unusually quiet. "I got it!" Indiana yelled. "Well, don't give it to me." *SLAP!* "There must be some kind of hole in this dimension." Indiana reasoned, "Where Stan fell though and these BIG people came from." "Of course!" Max answered, "Why didn't *I* think of that?" "We don't have enough time to explain that." Indiana noted, checking his watch, "According to my calculations, Plainville can only last another 36 hours without a good plummer." "Well ... comic book time, that could be forever." Max muttered. "No..." Indiana Joe disagreed, "The readers of Superguy would surely kill the author if he made this series go on forever." "I bet you Shirley's not the only one that'll kill him." *SLAP!* "Okay, here's the plan." Joe started, "You search for the mayor, try starting out on that ledge. I will look for the portal and bring back Stan." Max started heading for the window. "Max. Maybe, if we're lucky, we'll bring Stan back before somebody decides to turn this comic into an NBC television sitcom." "But that would mean that the writing would improve!" Max replied. "Good point." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at the police lab: "Damn ... boy, do I have to take a leak! Geesh! Who cut the big one?!" Oops ... wrong lab ... =ahem= ... someone's gonna shoot me for that bad pun ... ah ... at the police examination lab, secret agent Orange is trying to convince the chief of police that he's really a secret agent: "Look, buddy, I NEED identification!" the chief replied. "Do you take American Express Cards??" Agent Orange asked. "No, we don't take American Express." "What's happening here?" another man in a trenchcoat asked. "Um ... they won't let me have the thingie ... I even said that I was a secret agent and that got me nowhere." "You realize, they'll have to be brainwashed." the man muttered, "Oh, what the hell ... I'm secret agent Gettit." "Gettit?" the chief asked. "Double o four." agent Gettit replied. "Oh oh four Gettit?" Mr. Bill asked. "I get it!" Sure laughed. "No, I Gettit!" agent Gettit yelled. "Well, you got Credentials?" the chief asked. "Yeah, I've got bad teeth." Gettit answered. "Bad teeth?" Orange questioned, mystified. "Yeah ... Crud-dentals." *SLAP!* -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Freddy and Stan were standing, face to face, in the boiler room: Freddy spun, swiping air as Stan slugged his back with the wrench. "Nice move." Freddy replied. "I'm leading." Stan answered. "For now, rumba all you want!" Freddy yelled, getting poised for another attack, "Sooner or later, I'll put you in limbo." Freddy swung again, connecting with Stan's chest. "Waltz wrong, Stan?" Stan leaned foward, breathing hard. "Nice twist there." Stan suddenly swung, connecting Fred in the head, knocking him to the ground. "Freddy." Stan said, coldly, "You shouldn't tango with me." "You could have polka my eye out." Freddy replied, wiping his chin. Stan swung again, connecting Freddy in the leg. "Bust-a-move." Stan shouted, "Now to finish you off!" Stan reached over to the floor and grabbed a mirror. "A mirror?!" Freddy laughed, "That trick only works in the movies." Freddy looked at the mirror, and the mirror cracked into shards of glass. "You see?!! *I* am the master of the realm!" "Not anymore!" Stan repled, "You now got 7 years bad luck!" "Yeah, right." Crugar said, as he swung at Stan, missing him and hitting a container of Jello Instant Pudding, causing it to explode (the container, not Freddy). "ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!" Freddy screamed, as floods of pudding filled his mouth and nose, drowning him. Stan looked over at the pudding that was eating away at Freddy and the floor. "Pistachio." Stan muttered, "What a cruel way to go." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Finally, back at 2-D world, Spikezilla is still tied up: ... uhm ... where's Spike? ... he was just here a second ago ... -eh? what's this? 'I was quite hungry, so I grabbed a bite to eat and had some icecream for dessert - Superguy' WILL MAXWELL SMART FIND THE MAYOR? WILL INDIANA JOE FIND STAN? WILL THE POLICE CHIEF KEEP THE STICK FIGURE TOOL BOX? WILL AGENT GETTIT GET IT? WILL I GET IT? AND... THE SERIES FINALLY CONCLUDES NEXT ISSUE!!!!! (Well ... most of it, anyways.) [BTW:The contest is now over and done, or is it 'now the contest is overdone'?] ========================================================================= Date: 07 Mar 1991 23:14:57 Subject: Stan The Toilet Man #11!!! From: Duke da Duck What?!! So soon?!! It's the World's 1ST 2-D Superhero! STAN THE TOILET MAN By ... Hugh Knows With Special Guests: 3 Monkeys and a Davey ISSUE #11 "The Origin Issue" part XIII In the Hall of Just Ice, Nick Furry is operating on Robopop: "Come on, damn it!" Furry cursed, trying to repair Robo with spare parts from an electric alarm clock. Wait a minute! I thought this was a "Stan the Toilet Man" issue and the Legion of Stuperheros died ... well, except for AverageMan who tydied. [If you hold on a second, the characters will explain everything.] Okay ... continue. "That should do it." Nick said as he took off his gloves. "Where am I?" Robo asked. "At the Hall of Just Ice." Nick answered, after a chanting "He's alive!" and a chorus from "Part of the Machine". "I was ... killed by Edward Bazooka Hands." "You're part machine, Robo. I rebuilt you. I have the technology." "This sounds like the talk over for the Six Million Dollar Man, but I know the writers don't have that kind of budget." Robo replied, sitting up, "What about the others?" "WawaWoman and Maximillion died ... AverageMan tydied." "Tydied ... what a way to go." Robo muttered, "And SuperiorMan?" "He's in a coma." Nick said as he tightened Robo's knee joint. "There IS a God!" Robopop rejoiced, "We must recruit new members as soon as possible, so we get get our own comic book back and-" Robo hesitated. "What is it, Robo?" Nick asked. "At the tone, it'll be five twenty four. (BEEP)" "Damn, I still got a few bugs to work out." Nick commented, getting back to work. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at Dr. Yes' castle, Dr. Yes finished reproducing a half dozen Arnold Schwartzenegger dolls: "How does Mattel do it?!!" Yes asked, quite exhausted. "I'll be back." muttered an Arnie doll. "Oh shut up!" "Look ... we're twins." another Arnie doll mumbled. "Lue! Shut those damn things up!" Dr. Yes yelled. "Sure thing." replied Lue 'Boy am I Hulking' Feringo. "We must ship these toys to the local 'Webe Toys' outlet." Dr. Yes said with his usual authority, "This time, don't take the Lambourghini. Take the sports car out back." "Right." Lue answered, grabbing the six Arnie dolls and rushing out the door. "Don't forget to get a proof of sales!" Dr. Yes yelled, "We don't want the IRS to get us like they did with Al Capone!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- While the author snuck a second mentioning of Al Capone into this comic, Stan is waking up in some alleyway: "I'm alive." Stan replied, checkin himself for cuts, "No cuts, either." "Wazzis?" a man hissed from a distance, "A man thinner than I???" "Who am you?!" Stan yelled, staring into the darkness. "*I* ... am Bolemic Boy!" the man replied, staggering foward, throwing an empty can of Slim Fast on the ground. "You are so thin." Bolemic Boy noted,"Can I too become thin like you?" "Afraid not." Stan answered, "I'm a stickfigure." "No, can't be!" Bolemic Boy mumbled, "A person thinner than the Bolemic Boy ... can't be, can't allow ... must kill." "Must kill..." Stan muttered, sarcastically "It's nice to know that we have creative writers working on THIS comic." "Shut up! I kill." "In your state, I doubt it. Besides, I'm armed." "I am armed too." Bolemic said, extending his arms, "I got two of them!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at Plainville (the 2-D world), Indiana Joe is trying to find the time dimentional rip into the 3-D world: "It must be somewhere near the Plainville nuclear power plant!" Indiana replied, looking around. "WAIT! LOOK! In the sky! It's a bird! It's a dead bird! It's [you guessed it] a bullet?!!" But this is not just any bullet, it's SUPER BULLET, the bullet of steel! Protector of troups, justice, and the NRA! "This is not the Daily Bullet!" Super Bullet said, stopping in mid-air. "Who are you?" Indiana asked. "I am Super Bullet, the bullet of steel! Protector [do we REALLY have to go over this again?!!] bla bla bla [thank you]" "You're not from around here?" "Where IS here?!!" Super Bullet asked. "Plainville." "Ah ... a 2-D world." Super Bullet replied in his manly, steely way. "You wouldn't know a guy named Stan the Toilet Man???" Joe asked. "No, but if you humm a few bars, I'll join you on the second chorus." Suddenly, it dawned on Indiana. "Dawn already?!!" Indiana realized something. "Dawn already?!!" BESIDES that it was dawn already!!! "It was just night a second ago-" LISTEN, Super Bullet came through the time dimensional rip! "OH!" Indiana replied, "Super Bullet, can you carry me through the time dimensional rip you just went through?" Super thought for a second. "I don't know, but I'll give it a shot." Indiana Joe whipped out his whip making the end end on Super Bullet's end.[what descriptive words!] Within a split second, Super Bullet and Indiana Joe re-entered the time dimension rip! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at the police jail, Davey Jones is singing the blues: "It's the last tour to Pottsville, and I'm stuck here at the station. We'll be jamming at four thirty, but I'm kept here, times-a-wastin'. Where do I go? Oh, I don't know-" "SHUT UP!" Carl Marx hissed, "This Rock and Rule is terrible." "That's rock and ROLL." "It's still terrible! So, do the world a favor and shut up." "HEY!" Davey yelled back, "I'm not your stepping stone!" "Looks like Davey's a bit off key." a voice replied. "Mikey!" Davey Jones yelled, "How'd you know that I was here?!" "Well, we, like the writer of this comic, don't have a life, so we read the comic starting with issue one." Mikey answered. Really?!! I'm honored!!! (I think). "Well, actually we read the Cliff Notes to 'Stan the Toilet Man'." Peter replied, "We were going to see the movie, but Richard Simmons is playing Stan." YEEESH! Now THAT'S a scary thought! "That's nothing." Mikey sighed, "William Shatner plays Geraldo Rivera!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At Secret Base Alpha-Bets, Secret Agent Orange and Secret Agent Gettit are secretly carrying the secret stickfigure toolbox to secretive quarentine: "So, we stash this away with the others?" Orange asked. "Yep." Gettit answered, "With Hitler's brain, Confusious' personal diary, and the only '100% true' National Enquirer issue!" "I heard that somewhere in these vaults is Superguy's photograph!" "GET REAL!" Gettit replied, "You believe everything you hear?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at 2-D world, Maxwell Smart is STILL looking for the mayor: After climbing down the drainpipe, or rather falling down ... all good agents believe in saving time, I, Maxwell Smart, proceeded to enter a nearby bar. It was a smokey bar. "Can I help you?" Smokey the bear asked. I knew that Smokey always had tips. "Got any tips?" "Ten bucks worth of tips so far." Smokey replied. "Not bad." Max responded, "What about info?" "Only you can prevent Ken from writing this comic." "You REALLY think that I have that much power?!" It was then that I noticed the man next to me. Well, actually, I spilled my drink on him, but subconciously, I probably meant to do that. "Excuse me." Maxwell replied, tapping the man on the shoulder, "I have a question." "Well, I have an answer. Maybe they'll match." "Have you seen the mayor?" Max asked. "He went behind the curtain ... but you wouldn't want to go there." "And why NOT?" "That' the Iron curtain ... no one ever returns from there." "Well, we'll just have to see about that." Max said, getting up. "Excuse me for asking, but do you have both ears?" the mysterios man asked as Max approached the stage. "That's a code word for something, isn't it..?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at the alleyway, Stan and the Bollemic Boy are face to face: "Listen, fighting is pointless." Stan said, backing off a bit, holding his wrench tightly, "How about we make a deal?" "Deal?" the Bolemic Boy asked, "I don't play cards." "Well, how about this." Stan continued, "We don't fight and I let you be my sidekick." "Sidekick?" "You know. Like Batman and Robin, Doctor Who and Teela, the Lone Ranger and Tanto-" "Abbot and Costello?" "Well ... sort of." Stan muttered. "Sure, I'm game!" the Bolemic Boy yelled, putting down his fists. IS STAN SERIOUS? WILL STAN REALLY HAVE A NEW SIDEKICK? CAN MAXWELL SMART REALLY STOP KEN FROM WRITING THIS COMIC? CAN ANYONE STOP KEN FROM WRITING THIS COMIC? WILL THE MONKEYS BREAK OUT DAVEY IN TIME? WILL DR. YES SUCCEED IN DISTRIBUTING THE SIX ARNIE DOLLS? WHAT DOES THE LEGION OF STUPERHEROS HAVE TO DO WITH ALL OF THIS? WHAT DOES ANYTHING HAVE TO DO WITH ALL THIS???!!! ========================================================================= Date: 20 Mar 1991 00:14:16 Subject: Stan the Toilet Man #12!! (FINALLY!) From: Duke da Duck No ... it can't be real!!! It's the World's 1ST 2-D Superhero! STAN THE TOILET MAN and Bolemic Boy - the Boy Bolemic By ... Di Namicduos ISSUE 12 "Stan Man =year 1=" In a dark room in a old hotel room, sits a man ... no mortal man by far. This man is known by the name of Stan Simpleton. He sits here and waits. ... and waits ... ... and waits ... ... and waits and waits and waits ... Suddenly, Stan is inspired. "A stick is flying through my window!" A symbol ... ... a stick ... ... a hero is born. *CRASH!* "Ouch, that hurt." In the dark, he feels the suit. It's tight- "Too tight! I can't breathe!" -it feels like skin- "Euch! And it smells like an armpit!" -it feels good- -is good- -ummm good- -ummm ummm good- He dawns upon a cape, and bears a weapon. A wrench. Stan, the toilet man, lives! Elsewhere, Bolemic Boy, the boy bolemic, wanders the street, looking for substidence, or rather lack of it. From up here, the city looks so quiet. And I see it all. People murdered, slain, killed, shot. All on my own TV, and this is just the 10:00 news! I see it all, for I am the writer! Anyways, in the Hall of Just Ice, Robopop and Nick Furry are disgussing their next move: "We must get more recruits!" Nick Furry replied. "How about the want ads?" Robopop asked. "Sure!" Hours later: Knock knock. [There is a knock at the door.] "Yes?" Robopop asked. "I - uh - saw your ad." a man replied, staggering in with an M16. "Who are you?" Nick asked. "Rambutt!" he replied, collapsing to the ground. "It's a recruit!" Nick replied, signing him up. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Reaganbo is recovering from his wounds (from Legion of Stuperheros #5): "Reaganbo, how are you?" a man wearing a suit asked. "Well-" The man helped the ex-president up to his feet. "The scum sucker that got me is dead." Reaganbo hissed. "Afraid not, sir." the man replied, "He disappeared during the skirmish, or atleast his body did." "So, the brute is still alive?" he grinned, clinching his teeth. "Well, I'm ready for round two." "But, sir! You're bleeding! You should go to the hospital!" "Nah!" Reaganbo laughed, "I've bled worse in Vet Cong missions ins Si Gahn. Gimme my Uzi!" Back in Plainville, the 2-D world, Maxwell Smart traverses the Iron Curtain: A low mist filters the area. In the distance are shadows of a certain camp known as Stolock 13. "Aha!" Maxwell noted, "This looks mighty familiar!" Maxwell stepped foward, tripping a wire. "A man is outside the base!" a guard inside Stolock 13 replied. "Well, find him!" Schultz yelled. Two men surrounded Smart. "Aha ... looks like company." Smart smartly replied. "No." Schultz corrected, "TWO'S company ... three's a crowd!" Somewhere in Metopolis, Super Bullet soars through the air, with the 2-D Indiana Joe hanging on: "WOAH!" Indiana screamed at the top of his lungs, "We're through already!" Super Bullet stopped. "NOT SO FAST!" Indiana cried as he lost his grip and fell to the ground. [Somewhere in Central Connecticut, the real Indiana Joe is reading this comic, and feels a hard slam to his left shoulder. "OUCH!" he cries aloud, not quite understanding why his shoulder is suddenly hurting him.] "Now what?!" Super Bullet asked. "We must find Stan, and quick!" Meanwhile, at the Bermuda Triangle, something WAS happening!!! (See Quarters Quarterly Issues 1-4). During this event, somewhere in the base Alpha Beta, the 2-D toolbox sits in a locked vault ... glowing: "Well." Agent Orange replied from outside the vault, "How's our new edition doing." "That group broke up, sir." *SLAP!* "I meant the toolbox." Orange clearified. "I wouldn't know." the guard replied, "We are not authorized to open the vault." "Oh." Silence. "I hear that in another vault is The-Thing-That-Should-Not-Be." Orange muttered, curiously. "Yeah, vault number 13." the guard replied, taking out a cigarette. "No smoking." "Sorry, I'm new to this line of work." the guard answered, putting the cigarette away. "I wonder what it looks like." "Wonder all you want, sir. I cannot open the vault." WHY IS STAN'S TOOLBOX GLOWING? WILL SOMEONE LET OUT THE-THING-THAT-SHOULD-NOT-BE? WILL QUARTERS INCORPERATED CROSS OVER INTO THIS COMIC TOO? ARE THE TWO INDIANA JOES PSYCHICALLY LINKED? IS CONAN THE LIBRARIAN STILL ALIVE? IF SO, WILL REAGANBO HUNT DOWN CONAN THE LIBRARIAN? WILL MAXWELL SMART BE ABLE TO SAVE THE MAYOR NOW? WILL SOMEONE TRY TO SAVE MAXWELL SMART? WILL THE NEXT ISSUE TURN OUT TO BE A BATMAN PARODY? WILL THIS SERIES EVER END? WILL ANYONE CARE IF IT DOES? NOW THAT KEN HAS FINALLY WRITTEN STAN THE TOILET MAN #12, WILL HE GET AROUND TO WRITING DICK DARING #3? (continued yet again ... after the UHA Spring Break ... Yes, everyone needs a break every so often, even the READERS!) ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 12 Nov 1991 12:48:00 EDT Reply-To: UCF SUPERGUY List Sender: UCF SUPERGUY List From: Duke da Duck Subject: SG: Stan The Toilet Man Special Recap Issue! Somewhere in the dark of the dark dark, a voice replied "Huh?" Huh huh? "Excuse me, what happened?" the voice asked. Well, what do you mean? "Well, this is Stan Simpleton, and there hasn't been a Stan the Toilet Man episode since spring break. What's the deal here?" Ah ... the link is down ... I'll fix it. There. "Um, can you do the readers a favor?" Take the link down again? "No, could you briefly discuss the past 12 issues?" Sure. Stan got shot in the 3-D world and lost his box. "Um ... how about not so briefly..." It's the generic "golly gee, I forgot about that, can you print it again?" issue Of The World's First Two Dimensional Superhero! STAN ... THE TOILET MAN SPECIAL RECAP ISSUE By Calliope Dear Diary, This is Stan. You'll never believe what just happened. I mean, it's even wierder than writing to myself in this dumb old diary. I was shot from my 2-D world in Plainville to some sort of 3-D world, I guess. Well, I lost my toolbox, so I gotta get going and try to find it. Stan | | PLAINVILLE COURANT HEADLINES | | | | | | | O | THE LOWLY TOILET REPAIR MAN DISAPPEARS | O | | | | | | | Stan Simpleton disappeared today, as everywhere in Plainville, | | | O | plumming started going haywire. Mayor Goode Furnothin stated in a | O | | | press meeting that he has set up a search party. | | | | Indiana Joe and Maxwell Smart of the Search Party Line (1-900-I-Go | | | O | Find) stated that they were very optomistic. "We're very prepared | O | | | to start a search party. I mean, we even brought party favors!" | | | | So far, though, their attempts have been fruitless. "Not even | | | O | citrus." mentioned the mayor. | O | ===[ MAD SCIENTISTS ILLUSTRATED ]=== Dr. Yes, and his evil assistant, Lou "Boy am I Hulking" Ferigno" stated today that they have plans of taking over the world. But, Dr. Yes is using a more subtle approach in doing it. "We'll create an evil war mongering machine!" Not so unique says mad scientist Frankenstein who claims that Dr. Yes' idea infringes on his copyright. Dr. Yes claims that his idea is different. "You see, us new supervillians have to be much more subtle than [Frankenstein]. [We must] get the public to TRUST us ... like Jimmy Swaggert. Then we blindly steal their hard earned cash on bogus religious fund raisers. Then we corrupt the youth by producing pop albums which the groups just lipsinc their songs and then shove sublinimal messages in the songs. Then we transform society into lazy, unthinking, vegetable slugs that just couch out infront of the TV watching reruns of Donna Reed on cable. THEN we take over the world." Dr. Yes added, "You would think with instant credit, instant bankers, drive thru resteraunts, Federal Express, and microwaveable meals, there'd be an overnight way to take over the world. It just goes to show you that modern technology STILL has a long way to go." THE BOSTON COURANT ENORMOUS PILE UP ON I85 REVEAL SECRETS INSIDE OF AL CAPONE'S VAULT Last night, a Lambourghini driven by an unknown person was chased by 50 cops, 35 tanks, 76 jeeps, 95 Hells Angels Bikers, and a Monk on a Moped. "It must have been the biggest chase scene since the Blues Brothers." officer number 36 commented. Things got worse as an unknown black car driven by a nun ran into the whole spiel. "The funny thing was, no matter what we did, we couldn't avoid her. She took every lane at the same time. She just knocked us over like a bunch of dominos and her car wasn't even scratched!" "She must have just got it Martinized." Geraldo commented. As the cops accessed the situation, Geraldo hopped on the trunk of the Lambourghini, drooling and yelling "Help me! Hahaha! Help me!". Geraldo, the dopey reported, tried to smash the trunk open with a crowbar, in an attempt to find out what was in Al Capone's vault (which was in the trunk). The cops soon discovered that Davey Jones, who was also locked in the trunk of the Lambourghini (still trapped inside his gym locker), was still alive. "Of course I'm alive!" Davey Jones exclaimed, "I have a two year contract." On live television, Geraldo opened Al Capone's Vault to find nothing. "It's ... it's ... empty! It can't be! There must be some kind of secret pannel or something! Who would have a God damn empty vault?!" At the end of the night, police arrested Carl Sagan and Karl Marx. "It's too much of a coincidence that two people with the name Carl appeared on the scene." officer number 23 explained, "Besides, we have the rest of the Marx brothers behind bars, except for their brother Richard." PLAINVILLE HEADLINE NEWS SPECIAL REPORT Two large biglike creatures, titled as Sugar Cone Lennard and Mohammad Spike Lee, have been spotted in Plainville. Scientists say the world may end at ten. News at eleven. Dear Diary, This is Stan again, I just bought myself a new wrench ... and get THIS ... it's a STANLEY! After beating upon a Mormon who was pestering me, I decided to buy it. Now I'm hitching a ride with a guy named Freddy. I still say that he should get those burns looked at. Well, gotta go, I'm feeling really tired. Stan Dear Occupant, Have you ever considered buying the Remington Microscreen Rechargable Rotary Shaver? "I'M GOING UNDERCOVER TO INVESTIGATE PEOPLE WHO HIT DELIVERY MEN FOR BEING REAL JERKS ... ON THE NEXT GERALDO" MARVELOUS COMICS PRESENTS: LOU "BOY AM I HULKING" FERIGNO VS. THE MEN WEARING TIGHTS #1 Hi, this is McFarbrain, the artist who is over attentive on details that, instead of making a comic better, turns out to make it look rather pathetic. Anyways, I finally came across an idea that will make me millions of bucks. And, since it has MY name on it, you'll HAVE to buy it. See the pathetic battle as Captain America, Captain Britian, Captain Crunch, and Captain Caveman team up against Lue. Joining the four captains are Wonder Man, Black Knight, Moon Knight, and Night Knight as the Hulk Busters (Egon, Spengler, Ray, and Winston) try to separate Bruce Dickenson from Lue Ferigno. Special appearances from cousin It, Vision, and a sexy, barely clothed Kitty Pride. Look out for the silver, gold, copper, tin, aluminum, purple, paisley, and plaid covered issues. We interrupt this comic to bring you an important message ... get the channel that pays you back ... the Discovery Channel. | | PLAINVILLE COURANT HEADLINES | | | O | | O | | | MAYOR GOODE FURNOTHIN FOUND MISSING ... YET ANOTHER SEARCH PARTY | | | | | | | O | Earlier today the mayor of Plainville was found missing. Indiana | O | | | Joe deduced that it must have been a Lynch Mob headed by David | | | | Lynch. It is believed that David's brothers George and Meryl Lynch | | | O | are also involved. "I can't believe Meryl would do such a thing." | O | | | their mother claimed, "I mean, Meryl Lynch is a breed apart." | | COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU: A NIGHTMARE ON THE MOVIE SCREEN VI -- FREDDY'S BRAIN DEAD (AND SO ARE YOU FOR WATCHING THIS DUMB FLICK) See Stan battle wits against Freddy. Sure, it's an uneven battle since Freddy has no wits, but I'm sure everyone out there will be stupid enough to fork over $6.50 to see yet another Freddy movie thinking "Well ... he made it up to six ... it's gotta be good." (Not!) Groucho Marx glasses will be handed out before the movie starts. That way you can watch the movie without worring about others knowing that you were stupid enough to pay to watch this piece of trash. Rated Rejected -- No one under the IQ of 18 can be admitted without an [R] intellectual. =====[ THE NATIONAL INQUIRER ]==== SECRET AGENTS FIND A TOOL BOX THAT CAN GO INTO A 2-D WORLD THE ACME WAREHOUSE CASHIERS TRY TO SECEED FROM THE UNION; THE CASHIER'S UNION A BOLEMIC BOY AND TWO DEAD COPS ARE SPOTTED IN THE ALLEYWAYS BY WHINO NOTHING HAPPENS IN MOHABI DESERT AND BERMUDA TRIANGLE. COINCIDENCE??? PLOT FOUND IN STAN THE TOILET MAN ISSUE ... Alright! Alright! We're lying! ====[ MAD SCIENTISTS ILLUSTRATED ]==== DR. YES INTRODUCES "ARNIE DOLLS" JUST IN TIME FOR T2 [See "ARNIE" on page 12, or else!] Dear Diary, This is Stan again. I have a new sidekick ... Bolemic Boy the Boy Bolemic. He's thin like I am, and I think we may actually get along. Stan [And now the story continues with Stan #13 coming soon ... hopefully, this is enough warning for you to change your address or whatever precautions you feel is necessary. -- Calliope] ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 18 Nov 1991 18:50:00 EDT Reply-To: UCF SUPERGUY List Sender: UCF SUPERGUY List From: Duke da Duck Subject: Stan The Toilet Man #13 Oh no ... not another confusing plotless issue of ... The world's first 2 dimensional superhero! STAN ... THE TOILET MAN (With Bolemic Boy, the Boy Bolemic) ISSUE 13 "At Last, A Story!" By Willy Really Dewit SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Reading this comic may be harmful to your humor if taken in large doses, and possibly cause serious brain damage. Also, the material that this comic is printed upon is flamable. SURGEON'S SPECIFIC WARNING: This comic is filled with hideous puns and jokes. =====WE INTERRUPT THIS COMIC WITH A BREAKTHROUGH IN BREAKING INTERRUPTIONS===== This is the author. I've decided to add a new dimension to this comic. NO, I'm NOT going to make Stan three dimensional. I'm going to try a new concept. Considering that Stan issues have been known to endulge into new new forms and derivations and derivatives thereof of senceless babble in an attempt to get a guffah, I will go to a new low. I know you're saying, how low can this punster go? Well, just when you though I was a low as I could go, I'm adding SCRATCH & SNIFF to the comics. Yes, now you can smell what your senses have been missing! Here's a sample: ### ### This smells like a computer screen. ### ### ### And this, when printed, will smell like printer ink. Pretty neat, huh? ### So, enjoy this new feature while it's here ... until the next new fad rolls along, that is. ===========WE NOW BRING YOU BACK TO THE COMIC WHICH IS NOW IN PROGRESS========== When last we met our heros, that was the last we met of them. At this moment in time, Stan was feeling noticable weak. "Unngh ..." Stan moaned. "What is it, Stan?" Bolemic Boy (the boy bolemic) asked. "I'm feeling noticibly weak." "Well, no wonder, you're so thin!" "I'm a stick figure." Stan replied. "Oh yeah, that's right." Bolemic muttered, sitting in a nearby chair. "I need to find my toolbox. I think that there's some sort of psychic link or something." "But who can help us?" Bolemic Boy wondered. "I know where the box is." a voice replied remarkably on cue. "Great timing!" another voice remarked. "Of course, I wasn't always a SHELLED agent. I used to be an actor." "Really?" the second voice asked. "Yeah, I played a turnip in a school play." Enough of this babbling, how about attaching a face to these voices! "Who are you?" Stan asked. "The name's Robopop." Robo replied. "And I'm secret agent Nick Furry." Nick replied. "Nick heard about a two dimensional box that is being held in a base of some sort." Robo said, "Then he heard about about a two dimensional person and put two and two together." "So, the government told you this?" Stan asked. "No." Nick replied, "I heard it on Russian short wave radio." "We came here as quick as we could." Robo replied, "But, my metal was magnitized during my last encounter, and I was stuck to the elevator doors." "How did you break free?" Bolemic asked. "I didn't." Robo muttered, showing them the elevator doors stuck to his back, "I had to pry them off." "Maybe my slimey oozy skin can get between you and the doors." Bolemic answered with excitement. "Nah ... that's alright." Nick muttered, holding his stomache. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, Lou 'Boy Am I Hulking' Ferigno is at the local Webe Toys outlet: "Gee ... Arnie dolls just in time for the Terminator franchising!" the manager replied, "How many do you got?" "Only six." Lue replied. "SIX?" "The recession and all ... it has caused everyone to cut back." "Oh." the manager replied, scratching his head, "How much?" Lue hesitated, and then replied, "Ten bucks a piece." "Well, what if i want the whole doll?" the manager asked. "What's that smell?" Lou asked. "What smell?" the manager wondered. "THAT smell." Lou muttered. ### "I don't smell anything." the manager argued. ### "I know that, but we gotta plug this scratch and sniff thingie ### somehow." Lou replied. "Now you mention it, I DO smell ... something." the manager said scratching his head. "You're supposed to scratch the block." Lou muttered. "Oh." "You know." Lou remarked, "It smells like printer ink." "Or maybe a monitor." the manager noted. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Elsewhere in Plainville (the two dimensional world), Maxwell Smart is locked up in Stolock 13: "I should have known." Max muttered, "The old two guards waiting by the front gate routine." "I wish our rig was working ... currently it's on the fritz." Hogan answered, "Wait minute, don't you have your shoe phone?" "That's right!" Max exclaimed, "I'm glad I thought of it!" Max took off his shoe and tore off the sole. "What's wrong?" Hogan asked. "It's the other shoe." Max muttered, taking off his other shoe. Max listened to his shoe, "It's dead." "Great." Hogan moaned. "Don't worry, maybe my shoelace phone is working." Max took off his shoelaces and listened to it. "Damn, that's dead too ... it must have been when I walked through that swamp a mile back." Max replied, "Maybe my belt phone works." Max took off his belt, "It's working ... thank God." "We're lucky it works." Hogan replied. "I know what you mean ... my next choice would have had to been my underware phone ... and it's REALLY embarrassing to use that one." "You mean, talking to your underware while your naked?" Hogan muttered. "No." Max replied, "My underware smells." ### ### ### "No no NO!" Max rebutted, "I said my underware smells! Not, smell my underware!" Sorry. "Ah, Max." Hogan added, "Can you put your shoes on?" "Why?" "Your feet smell." Hogan said. ### "Yeah. They smell like ... printer ink." another person muttered. ### "Either that or they smell like a monitor." a third voice said. ### "Actually, they smell more like foot odor." Max noted. "Max, you KNOW that we don't have the budget to make these boxes smell like foot odor." Hogan remarked. "Well, maybe the readers can rub their feet against the box before smelling it?" Max mentioned. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Somewhere in Base Alpha Beta (or Alpha Bets, as it is also called) Agent Orange and Agent Gettit are going through some files: "What about this one?" Gettit replied, holding a long, flat metal object. "No, that's a nail file." "And this?" Gettin said, showing the other object. "No, that's a wood file." "And this?" "That's the Spanish Inquisition." Orange muttered. "Aren't you going to say that you didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition?" "No." Orange replied, "We saw you some time ago ... you were bound to turn up." "Drat! It's no fun being expected." the man muttered, "What do we do now?" "How about we start the interrigation!" "Well, in that case, you got the wrong place." Gettin muttered, "This is the integration room, not the interrigation room." "Oops ... sorry." The three men left the room, in search for a cumfy chair. "Why are we doing such boring tasks?" Gettit asked. "Because, we had our big chance in the Legion of Stuperheros and blew it!" Agent Orange muttered, "I STILL say we should have blown that ship out of the sky." "Orange?" "Yes?" "I smell something." "Gettit, ENOUGH with this smell crap! I'm sick off all of this scratch and sniff garbage!" Agent Orange yelled. ### "No, I REALLY mean it!" Gettit rebutted, "I SMELL something!" ### "What is it? PRINTER INK?!!" ### "No, gas." Gettit mumbled. "GAS?!!" Orange gasped, eyes bugging out. "Yeah, and it smells like a monitor." Gettit added. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Elsewhere in the sky, it's a bird ... it's a dead bird ... it's SUPER BULLET: "Well, I see no sign of Stan anywhere." Bullet said in his steely way. "Well, he's gotta be around here somewhere." Indiana Joe moaned. "Wait, I know someone who might know where he is ... my fellow super hero friend. Finger Man!" "Finger Man?!!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yes, FINGER MAN! Located somewhere in set five, Finger Man awaits cast orders: "Action!" the director yells. "And now." Finger Man says to the camera, "I will close this Ziplock bag with ... ... my hands tied behind my back." Finger Man presses hard on the Ziplock seal, "See, the seal seals sealing so succumbs to safety situations such as sanitary sources." "A perfect seal ... every time." Finger Man smiles. "That's a take!" "Great ... ah ... can someone get me out of this?" Finger Man muttered, struggling. "Finger Man! Super Bullet is here to see you." a stage man shouted. "Ah, tell him I'm tied up at the moment." "You know ... this scene stinks." he remarked. "=sniff= ... no wonder. The author broke wind." I DID NOT! ### ### ### HOW CAN FINGER MAN HELP SUPER BULLET? WILL STAN GET HIS TOOL BOX? WILL MAX GET OUT OF STOLOCK 13? WILL MAYOR GOODE FORNUTHIN GET OUT OF STALOCK 13? WILL THE ARNIE DOLLS REAK HAVOK UPON THE CITY? WHAT ARE NICK AND ROBO DOING IN THIS COMIC? WHAT AM I DOING IN THIS COMIC? WHAT AM I GOING TO BE DOING LATER TONIGHT? WHAT IS THAT HOT CHICK AT THE FAR CORNER OF CC114 DOING LATER TONIGHT? (To be continued ...) ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 31 Mar 1992 18:47:00 EDT Reply-To: UCF SUPERGUY List Sender: UCF SUPERGUY List From: Duke da Duck Subject: SG: "I'm your worst nightmare ..." Oh no ... after a long sabbatical, he's back and he's bad ... It's ... The world's first 2 dimensional superhero! STAN ... THE TOILET MAN (With Bolemic Boy, the Boy Bolemic) ISSUE 14 "What a blast!" By Parks Thats Goodwater Eons ago, when we last met our heros, Stan finally got his toolbox, thanks to the help of half of the Legion of Stuperheros team (Robopop and Nick Furry). Elsewhere, Maxwell Smart called Control, hoping that somehow he and Mayor Goode Fornuthin will get out of Stalock 13. Meanwhile, Indiana Joe and Super Bullet are in a race against time to find Stan, before their two dimensional world, Plainville, falls apart due to bad plumming. Currently, they are talking to Finger Man in hopes that he might have seen or heard of Stan. While that is happening, Lue 'Boy Am I Hulking' Ferigno is selling his Arnie Dolls (just in time for the T2 franchising). Now that you are thoroughly confused, part 14 of our plotless titleless story... At military base Alpha Beta, Agent Gettin and Agent Orange are about to explode with excitement: "I SMELL something!" Gettit rebutted. "Gas!" "Gas?!" Orange gasped. "We'd better-" Their voices were drowned out by an earth shattering ka-boom. Elsewhere, Cameo Man appeared in the middle of New York: "I found my secret power!" he cried aloud. "I'm immortal!" Cameo Man laughed as he finally found his true power. "And I'll prove it by blowing myself up!" The crowd scattered as Cameo Man revealed TNT taped around his waist. With a flick of a switch, he exploded into a million cameo pieces. Meanwhile, at Stolock 13: "Alright Chief," Max muttered into his belt phone. "So, how are we going to get out?" Hogan asked. "Well, they're going to bomb us out and I will grab the mayor and escape during the scuffle." "Well, where's the bomb going to be?" "I gave Control these locations," Max replied. "Here?!" "Wait a minute..." Max thought. KA-BOOM! At that same instant, in the local Webe Toys outlet, the Arnie Dolls are coming to life: "Come with me if you want to live," Arnie Doll 1 replied to the others. They walked to the edge of the store, and noticed that the door was locked shut. "I'll be back," Arnie Doll 5 said as he left. The doll returned with a gernade. "Hasta la vista, babe!" he replied, tossing the gernade at the window. BOOM! (Note that elsewhere at this time, Nick Furry and Robopop found themselves at a nuclear test site ... see the old and yet explosive issue of the Legion of Stuperheros for further information). Out in the deep space, Dr. Doom-Wanabe waved his hand as the entire universe, except Earth and Superworld, blew up with a Whop Bob A Lue Bop A Whop Bam Boo. Millions of people in New York believed that it was 'The White Light Event' (except those few who thought it was 'The Chevrolet Spring Event'): "I must be stronger!" a brute muttered. "Et tu, brute?" another muscle head asked. "Look, a shadow behind me! I must have shadow powers!" a woman mentioned. "Well, Oh My God! I must have a brain!" an airhead falsely assumed. "I must have writing powers!" Ken cried aloud. (Need I say more?) Meanwhile, in an apartment building, Stan is with his sidekick Bolemic Boy (the boy bolemic): "Stan?" "Yes, Bolemic?" "Why do I suddenly feel an urge to blow something up?" "Beats me," Stan muttered. Stan opened up his tool box and looked inside. "This is the doorway to my home," Stan said. "Can I come?" Bolemic asked. "Well, you're not thin enough," Stan replied, looking at Bolemic. "You've gotta be joking!" Stan reluctantly agreed to let Bolemic Boy jump in. As they jumped in, the tool box exploded into two dimensional bits. In plainville (the two-dimensional world): "Our world is about to blow up!" the people cried. WILL PLAINVILLE BLOW UP? WHAT WILL HAPPEN NOW THAT MILLIONS OF NEW YORKERS THINK THAT THEY HAVE SPECIAL SUPER POWERS? WILL THERE EVER BE AN ISSUE 15 BEFORE THE END OF THIS SEMESTER? WILL THE ARNIE DOLLS DESTROY NEW YORK CITY IF THE NEW YORKERS DON'T? WILL THIS SERIES FINALLY END? IF SO, WILL THERE BE A PLOT IN THIS SERIES BEFORE IT ENDS? WHY IS IT THAT THE UNIVERSE HAS BEEN GONE SINCE NOVEMBER AND YET NO ONE NOTICES IT BEING MISSING? ... TO BE CONTINUED ... ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 7 Apr 1992 11:22:00 EDT Reply-To: UCF SUPERGUY List Sender: UCF SUPERGUY List From: Duke da Duck Subject: SG: Stan The Toilet Man #15 (pre Crisis issue) It's ... The world's first 2 dimensional superhero! STAN ... THE TOILET MAN (With Bolemic Boy, the Boy Bolemic) ISSUE 15 "Home Again ... Home Again ... Home Again ..." [This happens before the crisis series] Finally, Stan the Toilet man was in Plainville ... home. The two dimensional world didn't look any better. Well, to be honest, it didn't look any worse. Quickly, Stan, with his mighty STANLY wrench, went to work. Elsewhere, in New York city, millions of New Yorkers believe they have some sort of super powers: "I'm stronger!" a muscle head muttered. "I'm smarter!" a jello-shooting, pencil neck geek replied. "I got a brain!" a sorority girl exclaimed. "Now, what do I use it for?" "I can be more daring!" a woman responded. "I can be more understanding!" a man mentioned. "I can be an honest politician!" "Yeah, right!" the crowd muttered. "Well, anything's possible ... isn't it?" As the crowd continued talking about what super powers that they had, from within the local Webe Toyus, the six Arnie Dolls emerged, after a big explosion. "Let's kick ass," Arnie Doll 5 mentioned. The crowd stopped talking and looked at the dolls. "Don't move, or we will kill you all!" Arnie Doll 3 ordered. "They're going to take over the world!" a woman replied. "Let's get them!" a man mentioned. "But they got weapons," a second man stated. "But WE got super powers!" a woman noted. The Arnie Dolls looked at each other. "On the count of three we move," Arnie Doll 1 said. "Charge!" a woman screamed. The whole mass of people rushed to six dolls. "Oh sh*t!" Arnie Doll 6 cried aloud. "THREE!" Arnie Doll 1 yelled, running for his life. The dolls scattered, but failed to escape the groping hands of millions of angry, adrenalin powered New Yorkers that, let's face it, had just about enough with people trying to take over the world. Also, it can be said, that they had the very same feeling toward merchandizing. The people pulled, stomped, crushed, threw, gouged, battered, and utterly destroyed the six Arnie dolls. They didn't have a chance. "Hasta la vista ... beeeebeeee..." one of the Arnie Doll speech sythesizer muttered before it self destructed. Somewhere, in a castle, a mad man called Dr. Yes was screaming really loud, cursing out six million New Yorkers, one at a time. At Stolock 13, Schults is drawing yet another sappy Peanuts comic: "And then Charlie Brown says 'Sorry, maam, I think my dog is wet', get it? My dog is wet? Hehehehe!" "Very funny Schults," Klink muttered, obviously not amused. "I wish something would happen around here." "Well, we do have a perfect record," Schultz mentioned. "That's right." "I mean," Schultz continued. "The only thing that could happen is perhaps a bomb hitting on of the bunkers belonging to our prisoners." =ZZZZZZZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM .... Ka-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!= Schultz and Kling dropped to the ground as the entire base rattled. "SCHULTZ! What the schell was that!" Schultz glanced over the desk and out the window. "It's a bomb that hit one of the bunkers that belonged to our prisoners, mein comidant!" Schult mentioned, with an apologetic smile. "Hogan!" Klink yelled. "Get me Hogan!" "Do you want 'em all at once or one at a time?" "I just want Hogan!" "That's what I meant," Schultz muttered. Inside the hole, a few coffs and gasps emerged: "Very smart, Smart," Hogan muttered. "Thanks!" Smart grinned but then stopped and raised his hand. "Never mind," Hogan mumbled. "You realize that if we didn't hide behind this iron bed frame, we would have been toast?" "Thank God for iron bed frames!" Smart mentioned, smartly. "You know that I'm going to get blamed for it." "Klink wouldn't blame you for THIS!" Later: "Hogan! I am holding you responsible!" Klink yelled. "Then again ... I could be wrong," Smart corrected. "What shall we do to them?" Schultz whispered to Klink. "We will ask the Nazi espionage general spy, Mr. X!" "How about if we get Mr. Q?" Maxwell Smart asked. "Silence!" A man entered the room. "Goode Furnothin!" Max gasped. "You know this man?" Hogan asked. "He was the guy that I was looking for." "Well, you just found him." WHAT WILL MR. X DO TO OUR MAXWELL SMART AND HOGAN? WILL CONTROL SOMEHOW SAVE THE DAY? WHAT WILL STAN DO NOW THAT HE HAS SAVED PLAINVILLE FROM DESTRUCTION? WHAT HAVOK WILL THE SIX MILLION NEW YORKERS REEK NOW? [Continued in Stan #16 and Crisis #4] ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 20 Apr 1992 09:09:00 EDT Reply-To: UCF SUPERGUY List Sender: UCF SUPERGUY List From: Duke da Duck Subject: "The Crisis finally begins in..." Stan the Toilet Man #16 Once again it's ... The world's first 2 dimensional superhero! STAN ... THE TOILET MAN (With Bolemic Boy, the Boy Bolemic) By me (again) ISSUE 16 "A Crisis Awaits..." [All of this STILL happens before the crisis series] Finally, after 14 issues of plotless dribble, Stan returned to his home world, Plainville. After Stan fixed the plumming, the town started rebuilding the buildings that were damaged during the King Cone Vs. Spikezilla battle. Among the buildings in Plainville that was rebuilt was the nuclear power plant. Stan was hired to fix the plumming in the power plant. Bolemic Boy, the boy bolemic decided to join him. All of a sudden, the plant started to glow. "It's starting to glow!" a worker noted. It was going to blow. "It's gonna blow!" Echo. "Echo." "This feels strangely familiar..." Stan muttered. KA-BLOOEY! Once again, Stan got shot through the hole in the O-Zone layer of Plainville and through the hole in the O-Zone layer of Earth, this time with his sidekick at his side. Meanwhile, somewhere is Limburger, Germany, a man by the name of Dr. Cheese was working on a new discovery: "I did it! I did it!" Dr. Cheese yelled. "I finally found a way to power my patented shrinking ray with cheese." Yes, that's right. The twisted mastermind, Dr. Cheese, discovered that by taking Swiss Cheese and filling all the holes with Cheese Whiz, he created an unstable form of inexhaustable energy. Of course, the mixture of the two was so toxic that Dr. Cheese had to make something that the cheese mixture wouldn't eat through. This was easily made by melting a metal alloy with 5 parts vibranium, 6 parts titanium, 3 parts upsidasium, and 1 part of Shakespeare's play Hamlet. "Now I will shrink the WWF wrestlers!" Dr. Cheese anounced. Why the WWF Wrestlers? "Because their Wrestle Mania always interrupts my favorite tv show, the Frugal Cheese Gourme," Dr. Cheese cursed. "NOW, I'll shrink the WWF wrestlers to six inches high!" Dr. Cheese laughed a spine tingling laugh. Back on Earth, Stan and Bolemic was falling through the sky: "ARRRGH!" they screamed. "We're gonna die!" Bolemic Boy replied. "No, you're going to do," Stan corrected. "I'm a stick figure, so I'll survive the crash." Suddenly, all of a sudden, a sudden streak of steel suddenly happen to shoot by all of a sudden. "It's a bird!" Stan yelled. "It's a plane!" Bolemic Boy announced. A bird got hit in the head and plummeted to the ground. "It's a dead bird..." Stan muttered, looking down. "No, it's Super Bullet!" Super Bullet announced, "The Bullet of Steel!" Yes, Super Bullet. The bullet that was rocketed out of an AK-47 just before the explosion. Super Bullet, the fighter for troups, freedom, and the NRA. [Super Bullet is a bullet depicted in Guns & Ammo comics - editor] Attached to Super Bullet by a whip, was Indiana Joe, screaming bloody murder. "BLOODY MURDER!" he screamed. Extending his right hand, he caught Stan and Bolemic with one swoop. "Back to the ground, Super!" Indiana gasped, trying not to look down. With a shot, Super Bullet headed for the ground, landing with a soft three-point landing. "Bulls eye!" Super Bullet announced. "Thank you thank you thank you." Indiana praised, kissing the ground. Meanwhile, Dr. Cheese walked up to his Automatic Transport Belt (tm) and strapped it around his waist. Grabbing a handful of limburger cheese, he filled the fuel unit. Sealing the fuel cap shut, Dr. Cheese pressed the POWER ON button. With a quick flash, Dr. Cheese disappeared. Elsewhere, at Wrestle Mania 3,546: "And it looks like Hogan is in trouble!" announcer one mentioned. "Trouble? He's beating the living crap out of Macho Man!" the second announcer noted. Hulk Hogan pounded Macho Man in the forehead a few times when he noticed a bright flash of light. "A man with a chunk of cheese on his head just appeared on stage, and I do mean appeared!" announcer two replied. "It's got to be a stage trick. It's probably a hologram or maybe a trick with mirrors, in hope to distract Hogan." Dr. Cheese pointed the shrink ray at Hogan and Macho Man and fired. Within a second, they shrunk to six inches tall. "I don't believe it!" With a chuckle, Dr. Cheese disappeared. "I guess this fight is shorter than we thought," the first announcer mentioned. Dr. Cheese reappeared in the wrestlers' dressing room. "Who are you?" the Ultimate Warrior asked. With a quick shot, Ultimate Warrior shrank. "Run!" Rowdy Roddy Piper shouted. The group scattered, but not before being hit by the ray. In a mad frenzy, Dr. Cheese shrunk each and every wrestler, including Cindi Lauper who happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Elsewhere, in Stolock 13, another Hogan is running into trouble: "Mayor?" Maxwell Smart asked. "He's not the mayor, he's a German secret agent," Schultz replied. "Shut up, Schultz!" Klink barked. "Okay, he's not a German secret agent." "So," Smart started. "It's the old 'mayor is a German secret agent' bit, isn't it." "Excuse me?" Klink asked. "I can read you guys like people read Playboy!" Smart added. "People don't READ Playboy," Hogan noted. "We'll, you know what I mean," Smart announced. "I'm on to them like a fly on the wall, like a fox in the field, like a chicken in the coup." "What are you saying, Smart?" Hogan muttered. "I think he's trying to say that he's onto us," Schultz replied. "Exactly!" Smart agreed. "By the way..." Smart added, "What ARE you up to?" "We're going to deliver secret plans on the location of all of the ally bases to the Germans," Schultz stated. "Oh," Smart mentioned. "That was my second guess." "What was your first guess?" Hogan asked. "They were going to brainwash the mayor into believing that he's the mayor." "But I AM the mayor!" the mayor protested. "You see, they started already!" Max proudly announced. "Anyway, I was on top of that, too." "Now what do we do?" Hogan asked. "Well, I thought that I could figure all of this out so that maybe you'd think of a way to escape," Max replied. "Oh..." Hogan muttered. Finally, Stan and his group, met finger man and the remaining of Ken's Super Hero creations. Now starts the Crisis! WILL MAX AND THE MAYOR GET OUT OF STOLOCK 13? IS THE MAYOR *REALLY* BRAINWASHED INTO THINKING THAT HE'S THE MAYOR? WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE WWF WRESTLERS? WHAT WILL DR. CHEESE DO NOW THAT THE WWF WRESTLERS ARE 6 INCHES HIGH? WILL PLAINVILLE ONCE AGAIN GO INTO TOTAL CHAOS NOW THAT STAN HAS ONCE AGAIN DISAPPEARED? NOW THAT THE NUCLEAR POWER PLANT BLEW UP TWICE, WILL THE PEOPLE OF PLAINVILLE TRY A SAFER FORM OF ENERGY? [Continued in Crisis #1, Crisis #4 (and #2 and #3 and...), and Stan #17]